Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[Channelknight Fadran]

*Cheers on DramaQueen*

[DramaQueen she/he/neopronouns]

7 hours ago, Channelknight Fadran said:

*Cheers on DramaQueen*

*Fails because Rock is really hard to insult*

[Gears]

10 hours ago, Channelknight Fadran said:

*Cheers on DramaQueen*

*scoffs in mildly offended*

2 hours ago, DramaQueen said:

*Fails because Rock is really hard to insult*

*laughs in wonderful character with no flaws*

[DramaQueen she/he/neopronouns]

3 hours ago, Gears said:

*laughs in wonderful character with no flaws*

There are some flaws! And I will expose them!

[SirWolfe]

On 8/7/2020 at 0:00 AM, DramaQueen said:

There are some flaws! And I will expose them!

Don't know about that. His features are chiseled like a rock. His steadfastness is like a rock. His strength is like a rock. His moral fibre is built upon a strong foundation - like rock. Rock rocks.

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

I need your roasts @DramaQueen and @SirWolfe. 

[DramaQueen she/he/neopronouns]

6 minutes ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

I need your roasts @DramaQueen and @SirWolfe. 

Isn't it @Gears that I'm up against?

I'm almost done, I'll have it before the end of the day.

[Gears]

2 minutes ago, DramaQueen said:

Isn't it @Gears that I'm up against?

'Tis I you shall face in glorious battle! Prepare your words, for this duel of wits shall leave one of us deceased! [I just need a few more lines. Give me an hour or so.]

Edited August 8, 2020 by Gears

[DramaQueen she/he/neopronouns]

Just now, Gears said:

'Tis I you shall face in glorious battle! Prepare your words, for this duel of wits shall leave one of us deceased!

Indeed, and thou shalt be the one staying behind.

[Gears]

1 minute ago, DramaQueen said:

Indeed, and thou shalt be the one staying behind.

Nay, tis thou who shall remain on the ground!

[Gears]

Yet another double post, but of my roast I must boast, @DramaQueen is surely toast!

Spoiler

Hello there, Spook/Jedal/Lefting I’m Born
I thought there were three people I’d need to scorn
The fact there’s only one of you makes this so easy
Though you’re so pathetic roasting you makes me queasy.
Your name is a desperate bid for attention
Based on the data of horrid retention
You flare tin constantly to make yourself useful
But because of this you later had to be rueful.
You can’t differentiate your friend and a god
Your achievements are things that no one should applaud.
Because of you, Urteau was nearly destroyed
Of worthiness you are completely devoid.
Oh wait you can’t understand my words so ethereal
Because you know only the language of High Imperial
Let me say this in words that you’ll understand
So you’ll be properly burned by my great reprimands. 
Wasing the doing of insult bestowments
Wasing the wanting of worthy opponents
Notting the seeing of talented rivals
Wasing the knowing of certain survival
Alright, that’s enough, I can’t take anymore
Talking like that is just such a bore
You’re a terrible Tineye with abandonment issues
Your god friends are the sole reasons your life continues

I don’t like to brag, so I’ll make this part terse
‘Cuz an inflated ego is really a curse
I’m better than you in all possible ways
Except for killing and failing at saving the day
You ruined yourself for the sake of utility
I know myself and my superior abilities
A chef, some help, an extra hand or two
Not a half-useless nobody Tineye like you.
You took Ruin’s Investiture for the sake of more power
I only bend my principles to save those who cower
I’ve got a family that loves me and good friends by my side
You’ve got self-doubt and tin flares and a Peweterarm spike
A father who sold you, a mother who let him
An uncle who left you with strangers as soon as he met them
I was a slave but my crew stood beside me
Your crew made you get things and serve them coffee.
I’ve got kin, I’ve got friends, and a stable mentality
You’ve got nothing but loss and pain in totality.
If your thread was unwoven from the all-powerful Weave
The world wouldn’t notice or tearfully grieve
You may think your deeds are incredibly glorious
But at the end of this duel I’m the one who’s victorious.

 

Edited August 8, 2020 by Gears

[SirWolfe]

2 hours ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

I need your roasts @DramaQueen and @SirWolfe. 

*Sigzil looks up with an expression of confusion, pretty sure that he's not supposed to be in the competition anymore, then shrugs*: Perhaps my forms haven't been processed yet.

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

3 hours ago, DramaQueen said:

Isn't it @Gears that I'm up against?

I'm almost done, I'll have it before the end of the day.

Your right. I’m still thinking last round. Sorry Wolfe, Gears. 

[DramaQueen she/he/neopronouns]

I might end up getting my roast in a little late, today was a lot busier than I thought it would be, sorry!

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

Can you get your roast in by the end of today @DramaQueen? That’s about as much time as I can give you.

[DramaQueen she/he/neopronouns]

Spoiler

So, I made it through to the second round,

Leaving my opponents bleeding on the ground.

I guess you did too, Rock, defeating scissors and paper,

But I'll defeat you, leaving nothing but vapor

You'll go up in smoke, but for me it's just games. 

We'll see me to the end, I'm the Survivor of the Flames.

 

Wait, I just remembered, you don't really do this stuff.

You don't ever fight, though you still try to act tough.

The other members of Bridge 4 have important things to do.

You stay where you are, you're only good for making stew.

I know what you're going to say, it's a part of your traditions!

So you act like all your people? Where are your ambitions?

No, I get it, you're the third son, you can't fight!

But you should be able to do one important thing, right?

 

What's that you're saying? There's more that you can do

Besides just sitting 'round making chull dung stew?

Yeah, I'd heard that you're quite good with a bow.

But a soldier isn't good enough? Is that so?

"Airsick lowlanders," you don't respect your crew.

They respect you, though I don't know why they do.

You don't respect them, but you respect the spren girl Syl?

She's never been a god, and you know she never will.

Sure, she's a sliver, but she doesn't act like it.

She's childish, naive, all she does is flutter and flit.

Your crew leader, Kaladin, acts more like a god.

Yet it's not him, but his spren, of whom you are so awed.

I'm not talking about his powers, I know those are caused by Syl.

I mean his "no man left behind" mentality, saving others is his will.

 

I see things, not just 'cause I burn tin.

In people, too, I see things, just like I told Vin.

She turned down my advances, I knew why, I'm no fool.

That title'd go to you, perhaps, if I were more cruel.

It's different, though, your foolishness comes not from there.

You've got a wife and kids, not that anyone would care.

Your story focuses on you as a member of Bridge 4.

You seem like a great character, but your arc's kind of a bore.

Constant, happy, willing to help, you seem to have no flaws.

Your growth is never really shown, which gave me pause. 

It's hard to roast a fellow with no imperfections shown.

I'd rather beat a person with a chapter of his own.

Seems you don't draw enough attention for that kind of thing.

I guess I'm stuck, it's you and me within the ring.

 

So, I gave my best shot, not sure if it was worth it.

If someone took a look, they'd see in less than a minute.

I'm a character with flaws, yes, you see me overcome them.

Your consistency seems nice at first, then it's annoying as crem.

Who'd you rather read about, the Survivor of the Flames

Or the humble, consistent stew chef, Deliv'rer of the Sames?

I know my answer, but we'll wait for the people list'ning.

Spoiler alert: "Spook's the winner!" we'll soon hear the people sing.

Nice fighting with you, but it's time for our farewells.

I'll move on, you'll go home, rapping nothing but "oh, well"s

Proving once and for all what I already knew.

Spook, Survivor of the Flames is better than you.

Here it is! Sorry it's so late!! It's also a bit shorter than I would have liked, but I'm still proud of it! It got the point across clearly and concisely. (I hope.) Enjoy!!

[Gears]

17 minutes ago, DramaQueen said:

Here it is! Sorry it's so late!! It's also a bit shorter than I would have liked, but I'm still proud of it! It got the point across clearly and concisely. (I hope.) Enjoy!!

You did well, though you found no flaws! Rock is a perfect being! Good job. 

[+Sorana she/her]

6 hours ago, DramaQueen said:

Here it is! Sorry it's so late!! It's also a bit shorter than I would have liked, but I'm still proud of it! It got the point across clearly and concisely. (I hope.) Enjoy!!

I like it a lot! Great job!

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

Results are in! @DramaQueen as Spook moves on! Congrats and thanks for playing @Gears.

Next round is @Truthless of Shinovar against @Matrim's Dice. Your roasts are due Saturday! Good luck.

[Mat he/him]

I'll have mine ready tomorrow. Had an unexpected... writer's block.  

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

I’m going to push back the due date to tomorrow for @Matrim's Dice and @Truthless of Shinovar. I’m showing sheep today, so I won’t be on. 

[Mat he/him]

On 8/15/2020 at 6:38 AM, Ghanderflaffle said:

I’m going to push back the due date to tomorrow for @Matrim's Dice and @Truthless of Shinovar. I’m showing sheep today, so I won’t be on. 

Works for me. Thanks....  

Edit: I have finished, and will thus tag everyone who needs to see it: @Ghanderflaffle, @Truthless of Shinovar!

Hehe

Spoiler

*Dalinar walks up to the stage, coat clean and crisp. He acknowledges Wax’s presence on the sidelines, then sharply turns away from the man to face the audience.* 

 

Greetings, I’m back, to roast here once more, 

But trust me when I say this won’t be an encore. 

Wax’s life isn’t great, but that’s not sad to say, 

Cause it gives me loads of reasons to stay here all day. 

 

He was born in a village 

Of Terris and wood 

Was taught all of the things 

A Terris boy should 

 

Did he do them? No! 

He thought he was tough 

Shot Forch in the head 

And ran away to the Roughs 

 

He set out to be 

The ‘Gentlemen’s Lawman’ 

Stopping Pars, Granite Joe 

And that one, Bloody Tan 

 

But that don’t make him special 

He hardly took a life 

Miles Dagouter killed Pars  

And Wax shot his wife. 

 

The trauma hurt him bad 

He ran far away to go 

Back to his housely duties 

And try to get back in the flow 

 

His friend came for him, and Wax couldn’t resist 

Shying away duty, to get back in the mix 

 

Again and again, ‘Lord’ Ladrian has shown 

That he’d rather shoot a gun, then take care of his home. 

 

He might have unique powers 

But not as good as mine 

While runs around with metal 

Men and storms are what I bind 

 

I create perpendicularities! 

But he jumps around 

And makes himself heavy 

To crash through the ground. 

 

He tries to be good 

And does his best not to slack 

But when it comes to flair 

No one beats the man Jak 

 

He can shoot a gun well 

But that’s a primitive skill 

When it comes to diplomacy 

He probably should write his will 

 

I build and bind things 

While Wax can only destroy 

He should really grow up 

And become a ‘big boy’ 

 

His powers are a sham, He barely can win 

But I know my skills stop the Parshendi’s sin.   

 

Harmony knows it, he tries his best, 

But Waxillium Ladrian passes no test. 

 

I’ve mentioned before 

That ill-fated shot 

That hit Lessie’s head 

And made Wax distraught 

 

Now let me mention  

She wasn’t to be trusted 

He loved a Kandra 

His heart was encrusted. 

 

The very first time 

That he killed that girl 

It didn’t matter 

Cause Bleeder’s plan would unfurl 

 

Wax stopped her, oh yes,  

But it took lots of help 

He needed all he got 

While he was useless as kelp 

 

It was only fitting 

That Wax spiked the final one 

Killing Lessie twice 

He didn’t think it was fun. 

 

I might have killed my wife, but it wasn’t meant that way 

You did so accidentally, but purposefully later, I’ll say. 

 

I can assure you this: Navani won’t die by my doing 

But considering your track record ‘out’ is where Steris should be moving. 

 

Looking back on my rhymes, it’s less of a rap 

And more of a poem, one that hurts like a slap 

Waxillium Ladrian, your life’s a disgrace 

So go back to dust and stop spreading dirt on this place. 

 

*Dalinar laughs at Wax, who has yet to show up. Then he whirls his cloak and leaves.* 

In my opinion, it's not as good as my original one. Hopefully enough! Truthless, your turn!  

Edited August 16, 2020 by Matrim's Dice

[Truthless of Shinovar he/him]

Spoiler

[As Dalinar is running away, Wax flies down and lands next to Dalinar. He has two pistols in his hand and shoots two bullets down at Dalinar’s feet]

Hey watch it old man,

Cuz next time I won’t miss.

You think you can just roast me? Fam,

You got no idea how much you’re gonna get dissed.

 

Let’s start with the facts:

You give me flack for the way I killed my wife with a crack

But I didn’t lack getting wracked with pain unlike you jack-

Well anyways, it was tacked to my back like a pack;

You forgot and never looked back.

 

Did you hear her scream when she burned?

That was something you earned, 

Even now that you say you learned, 

Say that you’ve turned,

And when I see you, Bully, my stomach is churned.

 

But it’s easy to attack the past,

and you ain’t learning so fast.

I’m aghast you don’t have the wisdom to make a comment that lasts.

You think that now you’re tall and mighty like a mast?

Well I’ve amassed a bunch of reasons that should put you to shame.

 

You’re a pathetic excuse of leader,

You pretend you’re a reader,

Can’t keep your “coalition” agreed or anything near heeders!

You try to be pleader, but your power it teeters,

And we both know Taravangian is the manipulator. 

 

I, on the other hand, am everything you want to be,

I’m free to be the lawman Elendel needs,

And I don’t resort to genocide when people disagree. 

Not to mention I got not one but two shards who support me, 

What was it you said? “Honor lives on in me”?

 

Haha, that’s pathetic, you just keep on dreaming

That you of all people have the power to stop the shard of hating,

Your fighting a war with no winning, 

Because your army’s just teeming 

With broken people barely breathing.

 

So next time you need

Someone with more backbone than a reed, 

You know who to call, 

The person who brought you your fall.

[Wax burns steel and Pushes Dalinar to the ground. Flying upwards, Wax gives Dalinar one more glare before he bounds out of sight]

Boom. Roasted. 

@Matrim's Dice @Ghanderflaffle

Great roast by the way, I especially liked the writing a will for my diplomacy skills!

[Mat he/him]

12 minutes ago, Truthless of Shinovar said:

Can’t keep your “coalition” agreed or anything near heeders!

 

Spoiler

Great roast!  

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

Results are in! The winner of this round is..... @Matrim's Dice as Dalinar! Congrats to you, you’ll also be in the next round once I have time to get that set up. Thanks for playing @Truthless of Shinovar. 

There will only be two more rounds to this tournament. The next one will be the three remaining players against each other. Only one will be eliminated. The remaining two will continue to the finals. I will get the next round set up in a couple hours when I have more time.