Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[Mat]

2 minutes ago, DramaQueen said:

Sorry!! I'm struggling.

  Hide contents

I've never been able to read The Emperor's Soul, so everything I say about Gaotona, I have to get from Coppermind. It's hard.

 

Ooh yeah that would be tough. I can't imagine trying to do one against someone in Warbreaker, which I've never read either. That makes total sense. Good luck!

[Ghanderflaffle]

Can you still get it in tonight @DramaQueen? I can’t push it back too much farther.

[+Sorana]

4 hours ago, DramaQueen said:

Sorry!! I'm struggling.

That is hard. Although I can only recommend it. TES is fantastic and a short read as well. Shai is one of my favorite characters overall.

[Ghanderflaffle]

I’m sorry @DramaQueen, but this will have to be the last day I can give you.

[DramaQueen]

1 hour ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

I’m sorry @DramaQueen, but this will have to be the last day I can give you.

Super sorry, I'll definitely get it in by the end of today.

Edited August 27, 2020 by DramaQueen

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine]

@Sorana that was brilliantly understated, once again perfectly in character and a delight to read!

@Matrim's Dice, all I have to say is Yowch! I don't see how Spook could survive those flames you laid down.

@DramaQueen I'm looking forward to reading your roast, you got this!

[DramaQueen]

Ok, I finally got it!!

Spoiler

*Spook lands, wearing a mistcloak that he got...somewhere while in-between roasts. He looks around. A flicker of recognition crosses his face as he looks at Dalinar.*

 

Dalinar Kholin? Didn’t I already beat you?

I earned all the votes, leaving you and the other two.

You say you thought you scared me away, why would you think that when I won?

I kept going, and let me say, this really is just fun.

You commented on my speech, the first of your mistakes.

Having a fun way of talking makes this a piece of cake!

By the way, your grammar was really quite a mess.

It proves that I’ve got talent to speak that language the best.

Yes, it’s gibberish, yes, it’s odd, but that’s the point, you see?

My oddness and honesty made Beldre fall for me.

You’ll see that here, my endearing qualities will help me the same way.

I’ll defeat you. Again. But this time, you’ll fade away.

 

*Seeming to get distracted, Spook turns to the audience.*

 

I can’t help but notice that I’m up against old men.

I’m the youngest one here, yet I’m still the best of them.

If you’ll remember, near the end, Sazed and Breeze gave me command.

My note to Vin eventually saved us all, exactly as I planned.

They’ll claim that I was weak to get corrupted by Ruin,

But remember, so did Vin, till I gave Marsh that clue-in.

Without that note, the world would have been utterly destroyed.

I kept everyone on Scadrial from falling into the void.

Really, my awesomeness shouldn’t even be allowed.

But as John Laurens would say, “Let’s get this guy in front of a crowd!”

I’m here, and I’ll prove that I should be the victor.

Why are these guys even here? The qualifications should be stricter.

Look at us and tell me who you think is the name of names.

A couple of old farts or the Survivor of the Flames?

 

*Getting back on track, Spook turns to Dalinar again.*

 

Sorry, I was roasting you, wasn’t I? 

I had to take a break, it was too easy, my guy.

There’s so much for me to roast that it isn’t even a challenge.

I saved the world, there’s just a kingdom for you to manage.

Yet, somehow, you can’t even deal with that.

It’s obvious you’re only capable of getting old and fat.

Sure, you’re the Blackthorn, the Bondsmith, whatever. 

The way you became the leader really was clever.

You acted like you didn’t want the power it brought,

Yet when it was offered, you took it without a thought.

You’re a hypocrite, the worst kind. Why? Let me explain.

You keep it well hidden, you are your own people’s bane.

Your life is full of contradictions, a man who wants no power

Becoming a leader, nearly a god within one small hour.

You claim to be traditional, then marry your brother’s wife.

Sure, it was true love, I get that, but have you no respect for life?

You change the rules for yourself, your own benefit.

Simply read one of your chapters, your own words will prove it.

Alright, I’ll stop myself, or we’d be here all night.

Why don’t you already leave, take flight!

 

*Spook turns to Gaotona, looking bored.*

 

And...you. What’s your name? Gaotona, you say?

I haven’t fought you yet, but I could do this all day.

You express disappointment towards the people around you.

Those dark feelings inside them, though, are nothing new.

I inspired hope, the same way the first Survivor did.

Giving people opportunities to put themselves on the grid.

You say I never learned proper speech, well what do you call this?

Sure, I still have an accent, but I don’t use my words to dis.

Well, okay, I do, but only the people who deserve it.

Not innocents, not everyone the way you seem to see fit.

 

Moving on from that point, perhaps the largest of all,

To another, one quite a bit more small.

Small does not mean unimportant, though.

It could be quite necessary to fix, you never know.

You spent so much time studying art,

Yet, you’re no expert, you just try to act smart.

Your connection with Ashravan gave you influence,

Not your own abilities, just a mere associance.

You also refuse to make others do

Anything that you would not like to.

This may initially seem like a good thing, 

But you will soon see the problems it can bring.

Not everyone dislikes the same duties as you,

Having them do those things will help you come through.

 

Alright, it's the end, now for old time's sake,

I'll use my awesome slang for my win to make. 

Wasing of enjoying the hearing of your roasts, 

Wasing of the wishing to apologize the most.

Ising of the sorry for my championship today,

Wasing of "farewell" to one of you to say.

 

*Spook drops a coin, using his Mistborn powers to do an epic flip onto a roof, then disappears, bounding, into the distance.*

 

 

[Ghanderflaffle]

Looks good @DramaQueen, @Matrim's Dice, and @Sorana! One of you will be done come tomorrow, so let's see who the wonderful sharders choose! Vote here for 24 hours! (Ish) 

(Please ignore the fact that I am slowly morphing into a game show host. )

[Ghanderflaffle]

And the one eliminated is...... @Matrim's Dice. I’m glad you got to play, but your roasting is over (for the moment.) Please pick up your participation ribbon on the way out. 

@DramaQueen and @Sorana congrats! This is the final round, so I’m going to give you two extra days to work on your roasts. They had better be fantastic! Your roasts will be due on Wednesday. Good luck and happy roasting.

[Mat]

On 8/28/2020 at 7:41 PM, Ghanderflaffle said:

And the one eliminated is...... @Matrim's Dice. I’m glad you got to play, but your roasting is over (for the moment.) Please pick up your participation ribbon on the way out. 

@DramaQueen and @Sorana congrats! This is the final round, so I’m going to give you two extra days to work on your roasts. They had better be fantastic! Your roasts will be due on Wednesday. Good luck and happy roasting.

Ah well, it was really fun! I'll definitely be doing the next tournament  Congrats, you two! Good luck!

*Grabs participation ribbon- but also the bronze 3rd place trophy *

Edited September 2, 2020 by Matrim's Dice

[DramaQueen]

@Matrim's Dice, you did really well!! Good luck next tournament; I most likely won't participate, so I can cheer you on from the side!!

@Sorana, may the best roast win. 

[+Sorana]

@DramaQueenLet's do this!

 

I'm so glad I checked the shard while unpacking a convention/ loading the car for my holiday. Now I know what to do when we drive twelve hours on wednesday. (I visit some friends before that and with all the children running around I doubt there'll be a quiet minute to write anything.)

 

@Matrim's Dice
See you next time! I look forward to meet you on the stage again.

Edited August 30, 2020 by Sorana

[Ghanderflaffle]

Reminder to @DramaQueen and @Sorana! You’ve got 2 more days to get your roasts in, so have fun!

[Mat]

If neither of them post, have I roasted the most?

Do I win even though I was voted out of the flow?

I wonder what'll happen if Wednesday ends without rappin'...

 

[DramaQueen]

On 8/26/2020 at 6:29 PM, DramaQueen said:

Sorry!! I'm struggling.

  Reveal hidden contents

I've never been able to read The Emperor's Soul, so everything I say about Gaotona, I have to get from Coppermind. It's hard.

 

I'm struggling again for the same reason listed here^

I haven't had time to get/read Emperor's Soul, so it's really hard to come up with roasts against Gaotona, plus I have school and homework, so I have limited time. I hate to ask again, but @Ghanderflaffle, is there any way you could extend the deadline?

Spoiler

I feel like I'm being really annoying...

 

[Ghanderflaffle]

5 hours ago, DramaQueen said:

I'm struggling again for the same reason listed here^

I haven't had time to get/read Emperor's Soul, so it's really hard to come up with roasts against Gaotona, plus I have school and homework, so I have limited time. I hate to ask again, but @Ghanderflaffle, is there any way you could extend the deadline?

  Hide contents

I feel like I'm being really annoying...

 

Since I gave you extra time already I can only give you at most two days. I get the extra workload, but we do need to keep this moving. The latest I can give you is Friday, especially because I’m busy all weekend. Hopefully that works @Sorana @DramaQueen! 

[+Sorana]

And here I am, prepared to tell you I'm sorry for the missing the deadline, as I spend all of my Wednesday at a doctor's place due to some health issues that fell on my feet. I am really sorry for not letting you know earlier but yesterday was nothing but awful.

Friday is perfect. I should be done by then.

==============

Actually I managed today. Here you are:

Spoiler

*Gaotona raises an eyebrow at the reappearance of Spook for the last round of the tournament*

I see you are back,
presumptous boy
was it confidence you lack,
or does the competition bring you no joy?

You claim you can do this
all day and all night
and yet you flee
before the audience casts their light
To me that seems
as if you're a coward
but then again,
you did come forward.

Your arrogance one day,
will break your neck
the way our greeted Dalinar
showed a huge lack of respect
I admired your courage,
the way you never gave up,
but is that a facade,
one you carefully made up?

How do you expect to rule
without listening to others?
While acting like a mule,
fleeing the moment you are bothered
You look down on great men
just like a spoiled brat
and still expect them to come
when you turn your head.

I listened to your claim,
that you were given command
mentioning that is nothing but vain,
you never had the situation in hand
Mostly you were the last one
Vin and Elend had left
and while you got part of the job done
they carried the real heft

Your spot on the crew
was out of pity at best
and while the members were few
I know you were last
If only because you never managed
to get your priorities right
and apart from the operation
you also endangered their lives

*frowns at the cloak Spook is wearing*

Do you really need a cloak
for your subjects to bow?
You look like a very poor joke
for greatness needs no show.
It's visible in every action,
in the way you speak
it's shown by your reaction
towards an enemy you defeat

But I already noticed,
you rarely listen at all
so full of your pride
I might talk to a wall

*spreads his hands in acceptance*

You know little boy,
it's fine for me
you don't want to be here
- just accept your defeat
while I respect and admire
the good that you've done
I'd have to be a liar
to claim I respect you as well.

You gave in to Ruin
gave it all to the foe
without thinking of Vin
or her battle at all
And while Elend and Sazed
fought for your world
you left them alone
and chased after a girl

That you ended up in charge
turned into a legend of old
that, too, was at large
because noone else was around
I know it is hard
to face an unwelcome truth
especially about a part
that belongs to you.

Maybe that is the reason
why you rushed of this stage
flight is easier than defeat
or to face your own rage
I know you look down
on me cause I'm old
but I'll gladly assure oyu
even old men can be bold

If you only came down
from the high horse that you ride
we could be a team
helping people left and right
you have the strength of youth
and I years lending me wisdom
I could guide you towards truth
help you find a way of reason

Certainly speaking for you
is one plain fact
that while your good traits are few
and despite everything you lack
the change that you cause
how you created a place
with equality in its laws
rightfully earned your legend a space

*bows again deeply*

I hope you take some time
to consider my words
outstanding already
I know that for sure
you - can be more!

 

Edited September 3, 2020 by Sorana

[DramaQueen]

On 9/2/2020 at 8:24 PM, Ghanderflaffle said:

Since I gave you extra time already I can only give you at most two days. I get the extra workload, but we do need to keep this moving. The latest I can give you is Friday, especially because I’m busy all weekend. Hopefully that works @Sorana @DramaQueen! 

Friday should be good, thanks!!!

Edit: Aghhh today was terribly busy, I'll get it in ASAP, though.

Edited September 5, 2020 by DramaQueen

[Mat]

...Who won?

[DramaQueen]

I haven't submitted mine yet, I am failing epically. (HOW DO YOU SPELL THAT???)

[Bearer of all agonies]

T-H-A-T 

Spoiler

Get my joke, someone.

 

[Ghanderflaffle]

Because I got busy on Friday, you have until Sunday night. @DramaQueen

[DramaQueen]

On 9/5/2020 at 7:33 PM, Ghanderflaffle said:

Because I got busy on Friday, you have until Sunday night. @DramaQueen

Ok, I'll get it in by then! Thank you!!!

Edit: Got it by a hair, here it is!

Spoiler

Gaotona, old man, I’m back, as you can see.

Or can you? Maybe you’re too old--you’re not a Tineye like me.

Maybe that’s the reason you can’t sense many things

That I am able to, including feelings.

True, I’m no Soother, but at least I can tell

The difference between emotions, and I can do it well.

I could tell Beldre was sad from just the look in her eyes,

I even determined why, to no one’s surprise.

You, however, have such little experience with expressions

That you don’t let your own show, leaving others with questions.

You’re so hard to read, but you have so much inside.

What do you feel that you feel you have to hide?

To have emotions is human, they’re meant to be let out.

Of the fact that hiding them is unhealthy, I have very little doubt.

We’re supposed to share emotions, not retreat into a shell.

The difference it can make is like heaven and hell.

I should know, I experienced them both,

Heaven when I died, but what I remember the most

Is the sacrifice I gave to save my city, you remember?

I went into the flames, became a human ember.

I cared about those people, enough to sacrifice myself.

I burned, yet still survived, much greater than yourself.

It should come as no surprise that the people chose me to lead.

They leaned on me, a good decision, as I then freed

All the people of the city, maybe the whole world.

What did you save? Your dignity, that wasn’t deserved?

 

Your next fault, I’ve found, is that you do not approve

Of Forging, yet that was your first move

After Aradel’s soul needed reForging,

You called upon a Forger, to help with that thing.

You did not approve until its uses helped you.

No matter, I’m used to that, it’s nothing new.

The Citizen hated nobles, slaughtered all with noble blood,

Yet his own blood was dirtied from a line which he called mud.

Not to mention he was building an army of Allomancers,

You and him are quite the same, avoiding notice like nimble dancers.

I’ll admit that Forging’s useful, that isn’t the problem.

It’s the fact that your hatred of it has become your emblem,

Yet you take full advantage of it when the opportunity arises.

 

Another thing, your disappointment is colder than ice is.

I mentioned this last time, it’s worth mentioning again,

As it seems to have grown still stronger than it was back then.

People do their best when they’re encouraged by those above them,

Not when you talk down to them, or treat them like phlegm.

Yet, you always seem to do this, despite what I’m sure you know,

You must give motivation, then the greatness can flow.

If you want respect, that’s not the way to earn it.

There’s a much better way, it’s not hard to learn it.

Just show that you believe in those you rely upon,

That way they won’t feel you’re just using them like a pawn.

 

Wasing of the hoping of the winning of this round,

Wasing of the knowing of my roasts to pound.

Nips of the ising of the soon to see,

This final victory belongs to me.

*Spook returns Gaotona’s bow, somewhat sarcastically*

I had it yesterday night, forgot to tag people so they saw it...

@Ghanderflaffle @Sorana

Edited September 7, 2020 by DramaQueen

[AonEne]

On 9/5/2020 at 6:09 PM, DramaQueen said:

I haven't submitted mine yet, I am failing epically. (HOW DO YOU SPELL THAT???)

I’m pretty sure that’s the right way. 

Awesome roasts, everyone! 

[Ghanderflaffle]

And we have our winner! After many hard fought battles, @DramaQueen has fallen and @Sorana has come out victorious! Congrats to our latest winner and thanks to everyone for playing!

If anyone has any special suggestions for the next tournament feel free to share. I will start accepting new competitors tomorrow after deciding if it will be normal or not.