Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[Ink he/him]

WHY MUST I ONLY CHOSE ONE?!?!

Seriously though, there isn't one that I can clearly say was better than the others... I dont want to chose! But I must... UGH!

[Herowannabe he/him]

54 minutes ago, Inklingspren said:

WHY MUST I ONLY CHOSE ONE?!?!

Seriously though, there isn't one that I can clearly say was better than the others... I dont want to chose! But I must... UGH!

The choice was easy for me, but I admit that I might be a tad bit biased.

I don't envy everyone else who is voting though, all the raps where phenomenal

[EdgedanceroftheDawn she/her]

2 hours ago, Herowannabe said:

The choice was easy for me, but I admit that I might be a tad bit biased.

I don't envy everyone else who is voting though, all the raps where phenomenal

Yeah, I'm just a teeny, tiny bit biased as well 

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

Holy crap, those were all awesome!

Nicely done @EdgedanceroftheDawn, @AC12, @Rhapsody and @Herowannabe. That was a hard vote to cast, you guys all crushed it.

[AonEne he/him]

Those were all great!

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

@Ashspren just have to say thanks again for setting this up. This thread is the best things to happen to the cosmere since Taldain got boomboxes.

I'm actually staying up way later than usual, writing hypothetical responses to potential opponents. That's either sad or endearing (or possibly somewhere in between).

I was off of the shard for a couple of months, but like they say in the bible "just when you think you are out, they pull you back in".*

It was actually @Toaster Retribution that pulled me back in now that I think about...Axies the collector, you're going down.

 

 

*I'm actually a Christian, but I thought that was super funny.

[Toaster Retribution he/him]

10 minutes ago, hoiditthroughthegrapevine said:

It was actually @Toaster Retribution that pulled me back in now that I think about...Axies the collector, you're going down.

Yay, happy to be the one pulling. Hope we end up facing eachother in this at some point. And Aimians are much harder to kill than Ghostbloods ;-)

[Ink he/him]

4 hours ago, hoiditthroughthegrapevine said:

I'm actually staying up way later than usual, writing hypothetical responses to potential opponents. That's either sad or endearing (or possibly somewhere in between).

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

me too... i had the most amazing roast for stick....... its endearing, as it means you are dedicating time to a well-deserving subject. 

[Herowannabe he/him]

8 minutes ago, Inklingspren said:

me too... i had the most amazing roast for stick.....

Ha ha silly Inklingspren, you don’t roast sticks, you use them to roast other things.  

[Ashspren]

5 hours ago, hoiditthroughthegrapevine said:

@Ashspren just have to say thanks again for setting this up. This thread is the best things to happen to the cosmere since Taldain got boomboxes.

No problem! I’m having so much fun keeping track of this, honestly. 

~~~ 

The winner of the first battle is... @Herowannabe with Stick! Congratulations!

~~~ 

Our next grouping is... 

@Archer, with Allomancer Jak! 

@AxeliustheGreat, with Kelsier!

@Matias, with Sazed! 

@Julio, with Nale! 

Good luck, everyone!

[Ink he/him]

Well done @Herowannabe! Good luck to everyone else! Jak, Kelsier and Sazed. Almost all scadrillian! Nale will be interesting too. 

I definintly want to see Kelsier vs Sazed.

[Herowannabe he/him]

3 hours ago, Ashspren said:

The winner of the first battle is... @Herowannabe with Stick! Congratulations!

Woo!

To all of my opponents: Well fought! It has been an honor. *Samurai bow*

And good luck to everyone next round! This is another really good grouping of characters 

Edited August 22, 2018 by Herowannabe
Typo

[Sherlock Holmes he/him]

Kelsier vs Sazed... that is going to be fun. 

[Herowannabe he/him]

Honestly I’m more excited to see Allomancer Jak vs... well any of them, really. 

[Ashspren]

Like I said, the group randomizer gave me surprisingly good results this time... 

[Sherlock Holmes he/him]

My rap: 

Quote

It’s I who defeated the Lord Ruler,

‘Cause I’m way cooler.

Two civilizations are what I’ve saved,

For the first two gods’ ire I braved.

Hey it’s Kelsier, Survivor of Hathsin.

And as you all can see, I’m gonna win.

 

Allomancer Jak, is that your name?

Within the realm of roasts, I reign.

Watch and see, for you will learn

That I am the master of the burn.

 

You know nothing of science or religion,

You basically have the brain of a pigeon.

You can’t even get your girlfriend’s words straight;

It is you she is fond of, but can barely tolerate.

Your Terrisman steward considers you stupid;

He thinks your letters barely intelligent or lucid.

 

Oh hey Sazed, is that you?

Godship; an awful thing to construe.

Two Shards is a burden indeed

To have turned my friend to need.

 

Your personality is fading away;

The Intent of your Shards has more sway.

Your lady friend died and you lost your faith,

Turning you into something of a wraith.

You only regained strength when Vin died;

To take Shards and save the few who survived.

That’s good enough, I guess,

Though you really have made a modern-day mess.

 

Herald, an odd title for such a man

As to be Nale, one who clearly cannot plan.

Now stand aside, I’ll show you my power

At rhyming all day, hour after hour.

 

Killing the potential Radiants never worked;

You only worsened the disaster that lurked.

Training Szeth was the only important thing you did,

The rest of the time you only hid.

You only changed because a little girl took pity.

Even so, you lost much of your tenacity.

 

I am Kelsier, Survivor of Hathsin,

And as you can all see, I’m gonna win.

 

[Matias he/him]

Here is mine, hope you enjoy

pd: on my cellphone some verses look cut, sorry

Sazed:       Are you my enemies? the ones against me?
                  Im busy trying to stop Autonomy
                  Im Sazed, Terrisman, Feruchemist
                  Be ready cause the Hero of the Ages is here

                  Allomancer Jak, o yes i know you
                  Your stories are the most boring thing I've seen
                  All your liying dont fit in my coppermind
                  I bet you don't know that the planet it's not flat

                  I don't need to do this, i've got a plan
                  I'll let my Shards to do the rap
  
Ruin:         Hey Kelsier, are you still afraid?
                 By my fearless power, that is so great
                 You let your friends die, just like your wife
                 Your doom, your Ruin, has come to you guys

Preservation: Hey Nale, how is that desolation going? 
                      It's already there!, you gotta be joking
                      Your reputation is so exaggerated
                      Everything but you must be Preservated

Ruin :        It's time to end this, don't you think my friend?

Preservation : Infinity by 2, your end is near
                                 1,2,3 fuuusion... Ha!

Harmony:    Kelsier couldn't die, even in that you failed
                   Jak It's just a waste, i have to say
                   Nale, you are a loser, a big disaster
                   Just wait for Harmony, he'll fix this later

                   2 Shards in one, i have two minds
                   I think it's time for you to go on
                   I've seen the future, don't waste your time
                   Every single battle i've already won  

Edited August 22, 2018 by Matias

[Archer he/him]

Great roasts so far everyone! Here’s my submission, using the character Allomancer Jak.

WARNING! There may be spoilers for the Stormlight Archive, Mistborn: Secret History, and Mistborn Eras 1 and 2. Maybe.

Spoiler

Never before seen excerpt from the soon to be released Special Collector’s Edition of Allomancer Jak and the Spit Fire!

Edited and annotated by Handerwym, Jak’s own faithful Terris steward!

**********

Dear reader, the inferior transportation to plantations has delayed my motorcade’s travel to unravel the secrets of spirits up north, of course. For now, my know how and expertise’s at ease. I’ve devoted my bloated street smarts to an art that’s unknown, I bemoan, to many, or any, or most: the roast.

 

Alright, you three enlightened buffoons,

I ain’t holdin’ back, here come the lampoons.

Introduction time, you know what I see?

City slicker one, and two, and three. And me?

When I say Allomancer, you answer back Jak!

I’m the man on track to attack your rep’s slack.

 

I’m a newspaper man, got my name throughout the land.

Front page of the Gazette, you can bet, no sweat

For me, the people love to see, what deeds

I’ve done, in the hot Roughs sun, fights won,

Damsels saved, treasure craved, paths paved.

 

And all of that? It’s made me famous.

Though Handy says ‘I’m ignoramus’

I’m the most grandiose (not to boast)

Raise a toast!

To the man, legend, and myth,

Whom was forthwith ranked the fifth

Likeliest Man to Find a Place Unexplored

(In that great paper, The House Record).^•

But enough about me,

Let’s get going, agree?

Listing each of your flaws individually.

 

Sazed, I’ll start with you.

‘Cause you’ve the worst hairdo.

I heard that you ascended,

Hope your docility has ended.

Now you’re the boss with the specs,

Whose hobby’s helping koloss have sex.

How’s your record so far?

No rouge kandra on the radar?

I’m sorry about Vin,

Or did you think that a win?

Giving you all the power,

To make your pretty flowers.

This is so easy, it’s criminal.

Effort expanded: minimal.

I feel like a crook,

It’s like roasting a book.

At least the Heralds have style,

I’ll talk to Nale for a while.

 

Hey almighty,

You don’t frighten me.

‘Cause I’m full of energy,

And balanced inner chi.

Footsteps like a panther,

The balance of a dancer.

What I’m trying to say,

Is I could you any day.

 

You remind me of a beast,

I met in the near east.

The Dread Mistwraith King*,

You’d be, in his midst, shaking.

But not me, I was brave,

I had my girl to save!

I gave his antlers a spin,

Didn’t even have to use tin.

You god guys are all the same,

Overconfident, lame.

You think you’re untouchable,

But really, you’re vincible.

Just give me minute,

I’ll find a way to win it.

That’s what guys like me do,

And that’s bad news for you.

Because you’re going down hot,

Once I find your weak spot.

 

Here’s the deal, Nalan,

You’ve wasted your lifespan.

Your resumé is full of killin’,

Making you a villain.

And you style? Puh-lease.

Your trademark’s legalese.

No one likes a rules freak,

They just seem weak.

And helping Szeth?

Led to a bunch of deaths.

What’s your problem man?

Do you want zero fans?

You need to rethink,

And have a stiff drink.

Want to buy, for a sphere,

Some Jak Brand Beer?**

Sold at the best saloons,

A drink for afternoons™.

It might help with the pressure,

Now let’s move on to Kelsier.

 

Is that Timmy I hear?

Stuck in well, oh dear.

No, it’s the Survivor!

Hiding scared, what a skiver.

Kelsier! We need to talk.

About this path you walk.

 

You made a church so optimistic,

Not bad for an agnostic,

Though that’s pretty egotistic,

But ain’t that your whole schtick?

Doing the godly gimmick,

So you can play the altruistic.^†

 

You’d dare to doubt Mare,

Then let her die as you just stared.

Let Ruin copy what your doin’,

As you ghosted like a druid.^‡

Never tried heal Ironeyed,

Though he’s your bro (I’d have cried).

And Vin did all the heavy liftin’,

While you were uselessly sittin’.

Slack-jawed without your squad,

You middle-aged fraud.

A fake nobleman, but not a noble man,

You got replaced by a Doberman.

On pewter you’re plastered,

You illegit disagreeable fellow.

You’ve got the people awed,

But I know you ain’t a rap god.

Can’t turn scars into bars,

Or that pain into a brain,

because you’re totally insane.

 

The three of you are so inept,

The trophy now I will accept.

Free advice: don’t mess with those,

Who have better taste in clothes.

In contrast, you appear,

Like newbies to the frontier.

Don’t mess with me,

On my turf, see?

The Roughs are for,

Eagles to soar,

Koloss to roam,

And for my home.

Better run, and not come back.

Y’all just lost to the great Jak!

**********

Editor's Notes:

^• Jak might have come in first, but Bushtown Quadruplets bribed the newspaper's editors into giving them the first four spots. 

* see Episode 12, Allomancer Jak and the Hallucinogenic Berries!

** I've tried Jak Brand Beer. In my humble opinion, the stuff is better suited for killing weeds than for human consumption. 

^† To make up for not being too artistic.

^‡ While I was sleeping one day, our camp was visited by a travelling salesperson. The man claimed to be a druid capable of turning himself into a ghost by drinking a potion. He's the reason we were broke from episodes sixteen to eighteen. 

 

[Wyndlerunner he/him]

@Archer, sir, you have blown my mind. So to you I say, My like to yours, my upvote become yours.

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

3 hours ago, Archer said:

see Episode 12, Allomancer Jak and the Hallucinogenic Berries!

Hahahahah, that was so good @Archer! That was my favorite roast of the whole competition (and there have been some amazing ones)! I really hope Brandon writes Allomancer Jak and the Hallucinogenic Berries.

I love that you had a roast within a roast by adding the Handerwym annotations, brilliantly done! The voice for Jak was perfect too, I am only sad I have but one upvote to give.

Nice work on the other roasts too @AxeliustheGreat and @Matias, some really good stuff.

Edited August 22, 2018 by hoiditthroughthegrapevine

[Archer he/him]

Thanks, both of you! I'm really glad you liked it.

[Sherlock Holmes he/him]

Great gods, Archer, I can never manage to outdo you despite my greatest efforts. Which may say something about my work ethic. *coughs onto back of hand* Anyway, I loved the roasts, even though everything you wrote about Kelsier was inaccurate. 

Edited August 23, 2018 by AxeliustheGreat

[Archer he/him]

1 hour ago, AxeliustheGreat said:

Great gods, Archer, I can never manage to outdo you despite my greatest efforts. Which may say something about my work ethic. *coughs onto back of hand* Anyway, I loved the roasts, even though everything you wrote about Kelsier was inaccurate. 

Thanks!

Surely there was something accurate in there... *rereads roast* Nope. Nope. Looks like pretty much everything except for the pewter dragging bit was exaggerated.  Jak sure sucks at getting the facts straight. 

[+Sorana she/her]

It will be an easy decision this time. Best rap so far, in my opinion.

[Ashspren]

@Julio, about 33 hours left!