Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[Ink he/him]

Ah, Lift, Mraize and Skai. This will be fun.

[Archer he/him]

Woot! Thanks to everyone who voted for me, and to Ax, Matias, and Ark for making some amazing roasts! I look forward to seeing how the next rounds go. Good luck, everyone! 

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

44 minutes ago, Ashspren said:

This next round, we have...

@Inklingspren, with Odium!

 

@Edgedancer Jak, with Lift! 

 

@Sorana, with Shai! 

 

@hoiditthroughthegrapevine, with Mraize!

DOH!!!

I planned to face off against Axies, Arclo, and Taln. I thought for sure I'd get at least one of those as an opponent!

Here's one of the choicer lines for Axies (spoilered below if you don't want to read it, and don't worry it's a Mraize specific line so it doesn't take away from any of the plethora of insults still available):

Spoiler

The Collector, you're an Axies that doesn't concern me
You'd set yourself on fire if you tried to burn me.

I am setting out on a 2 day camping trip today in about 2 hrs, that's why I did all of the prep work. The best laid plans Mraize and men I guess...
Hopefully inspiration hits me hard right now, or my campsite has a cellular signal...

I might post the full "hypothetical roast" after this Round of competition is over, there were some hard blows for sure.

[Herowannabe he/him]

1 minute ago, hoiditthroughthegrapevine said:

DOH!!!

I planned to face off against Axies, Arclo, and Taln. I thought for sure I'd get at least one of those as an opponent!

Here's one of the choicer lines for Axies (spoilered below if you don't want to read it, and don't worry it's a Mraize specific line so it doesn't take away from any of the plethora of insults still available):

  Hide contents

The Collector, you're an Axies that doesn't concern me
You'd set yourself on fire if you tried to burn me.

I am setting out on a 2 day camping trip today in about 2 hrs, that's why I did all of the prep work. The best laid plans Mraize and men I guess...
Hopefully inspiration hits me hard right now, or my campsite has a cellular signal...

I might post the full "hypothetical roast" after this Round of competition is over, there were some hard blows for sure.

You may want to hold off a little bit on that. If you make it into the next round then you might very well be facing off against one of those three. 

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

1 minute ago, Herowannabe said:

You may want to hold off a little bit on that. If you make it into the next round then you might very well be facing off against one of those three.

I meant that after there's a victor for the the entire second round, after the final 1 on 1 roast is over.

[Ink he/him]

36 minutes ago, Archer said:

Woot! Thanks to everyone who voted for me, and to Ax, Matias, and Ark for making some amazing roasts! I look forward to seeing how the next rounds go. Good luck, everyone! 

You were awesome! If I win, I fear facing Jak. Odium doesnt though. 

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

@Herowannabe this is my own personal opinion, your Stick rap was just a couple of iotas of awesomeness less than Archer's Allomancer Jak rap (the iotas really came from the Handerwym annotations, man that's super awesome attention to detail).

And I also have to say that I went in thinking that I would be really annoyed by your stick wrap, the Church of the stick is not my thing.

But you really, I think, exhausted all of the ick rhymes that have ever been with your opening, it was so good. I am really looking forward to Jak vs. Stick now.

 

[Kidpen he/him]

I should do this someday.

Someday.

I'll just watch for now.

[Ashspren]

7 minutes ago, Kidpen said:

I should do this someday.

Someday.

I'll just watch for now.

I can put you on the reserved list for Tournament 3...

[Kidpen he/him]

1 minute ago, Ashspren said:

I can put you on the reserved list for Tournament 3...

Sure!

[Ashspren]

2 minutes ago, Kidpen said:

Sure!

Perfect! You’re on the list. Glad to have you!

Edited August 24, 2018 by Ashspren

[Herowannabe he/him]

32 minutes ago, hoiditthroughthegrapevine said:

@Herowannabe this is my own personal opinion, your Stick rap was just a couple of iotas of awesomeness less than Archer's Allomancer Jak rap (the iotas really came from the Handerwym annotations, man that's super awesome attention to detail).

Thanks! I'll take that as the supreme compliment that it is. 

33 minutes ago, hoiditthroughthegrapevine said:

And I also have to say that I went in thinking that I would be really annoyed by your stick wrap, the Church of the stick is not my thing.

It's not really mine, either, but the idea of entering a rap battle as stick was just too fun to pass up.

34 minutes ago, hoiditthroughthegrapevine said:

But you really, I think, exhausted all of the ick rhymes that have ever been with your opening, it was so good.

Don't panic, I predict that I've barely nicked the surface of the thick pile of -ick words to pick from.

43 minutes ago, hoiditthroughthegrapevine said:

I am really looking forward to Jak vs. Stick now.

I'm not.  This is going to be hard. 

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

2 minutes ago, Herowannabe said:

Don't panic, I predict that I've barely nicked the surface of the thick pile of -ick words to pick from.

News flash:

Stick around for the Stick vs. Jak round it's gonna be Epic!

Really man, that's super awesome. Odds in vegas just shifted, it's now even odds.

[Furamirionind They/Any/All]

3 hours ago, Ark1002 said:

12 upvotes? There was twelve upvotes on that post! THat did not deserve 12 upvotes!

No... You got 14 upvotes... I would say you deserved everyone of them... But I am starting to think the more we try to convince you you were good, the more convinced you are in it being bad... So... You are right! I can't believe you got a single upvote! : P

[+Ark1002]

1 minute ago, Furamirionind said:

No... You got 14 upvotes... I would say you deserved everyone of them... But I am starting to think the more we try to convince you you were good, the more convinced you are in it being bad... So... You are right! I can't believe you got a single upvote! : P

Not complaining 

[Furamirionind They/Any/All]

55 minutes ago, Herowannabe said:

Don't panic, I predict that I've barely nicked the surface of the thick pile of -ick words to pick from.

SO MANY "ICK" SOUNDS IN THIS SENTANCE.  No one can survive facing the Stick. (with a capital "S")
(I look forward to these so much now)

I will (of course) vote for the one I think is better, but the jokes and rhymes are so good!

[+Ark1002]

Anything with the Stick in it is better.

[+Sorana she/her]

Shai enters the stages and bows deeply to the assembled crowd.
"I welcome you all to the third round of the 2nd Cosmere Character Roast battles. Before starting I'd like to thank @Ashspren for this possibility to share my new piece of art with you. My name is Wan ShaiLu and I am one of the best forgers alive."
She bows again and afterwards starts her roast.

(There are some SA (incluing OB) spoilers, therefore the spoiler box)

Spoiler

All hail the great Odium
you really expect to be put on a podium?
You're doing nothing but sitting in prison
Oh right - they say that you do have a mission
Old Dalinar scared you away like a pup
and I trust even Lift to eat you up.

Speaking of Lift, our little thieve
sorry girl, but you're really naive
you say to your spren, that he is your pet
and on pancakes you place your bet
When your friends call you, as they need your help
you ran off far away like a little whelp.

There he comes, Mraize the gentleman brute
finished cleaning up your new white suite?
you pretend to mighty and have a vision,
but all that you do is ask for permission
you are only the puppet shown around
distinguishly clad, but only a clown.

Shai bows a third time and then leaves the stage, waiting for the next opponent's entry.

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

@Sorana Awesome roast!

Here's Mraize, comin' out swiggin' (spoilered for Oathbringer and Emperor's Soul spoilers)

Spoiler

Hello there prey, you know it's nice to meet'cha
  I'm the Killer in white and I'm gonna beat'cha
Go on mewl like chulls, 'cuz I'm closing in
  The last thing you'll see is my crooked grin

You suckas asked for this, but I gotta warn ya
  You're going down hot, cuz I'm gonna burn ya
Like moths to a flame, you're gonna find your graves
  'Cuz my truth destroys more than it saves

Check it out you chulls, I'm the master hunter
  Start diggin' your graves cuz your goin' under
My darts are all filled with some nasty venom
  Watch me take aim and you'll see whats in 'em

First on the hit list is that annoyin' urchin,
  Who's only awesome, because of her chin
If that chin's not waggin' with some flippant prattle
  It's 'cuz you're usin' it, gorging like cattle

Listen up yo, here's the Ghostblood diet
  It's a knuckle sandwich and ya gotta try it
Wait nevermind, cuz you probably eat fists
  Maybe instead I'll just give you tetanus.

The only upside of you always eatin'
  Is the break that we get from your annoyin' bleatin
There’s one thing 'bout'cha that I gotta know
  when you pass gas, does it glow?

Actually one more question couldn't wait.
  Can you get stormlight if you regurgitate?
At this point one more question couldn't hurt,
  Can you get stormlight from eating dirt?

Yo—I know how the struggles go
I wanted to be a Toy's R' Us Kid too and never grow old
But do your hear that Lift, it's reality
  Your teenage years are the finality
You're gonna get pimples, you ain't gonna play with toys
  Life ain't so simple when you're chasin' boys

But I’m the bad boy you can never catch
  All slicked with awesome, go on and stretch
(ooh missed)
I'm amazing, and so far outta your league
  that all you'll ever gonna get is fatigue.

 

Next in my sights is the shard of Hatred
  But first something just has to be stated
All your Passion talk, you know if just fails man
  It makes you sound like a used chull salesman

You ain't god's hate, or passionless numbness
  Face it gramps, you're the shard of Dumbness
The Desolation's on—How many did ya loose before?
  But this is the TRUE one, so let's check the score

You got an army of Singers, that seems pretty tight
  But how many of your Singers can you get to fight? (3?)
Your super powered Fuzed look tough—No foolin'
  Too bad only five of 'em do more than droolin'

When I saw your Thunderclasts, I thought they were Epic
   'Til one get killed by a skinny epileptic
You had a long term plan, and when it was done
  Cultivation took away your Champion (fool)

When you talk about the Future, you get all excited
  But face it sucker, you're Future Near-Sighted
When you bargained with T, you deserved pity
  There was one part of the Diagram you couldn't see
  (probably didn't see that I was goin' call you a fool here too, did ya? fool)

Cultivation's got your number, you're gonna get Shattered
  My boys and I will be there when you're splattered
But Rayse, don't worry when you go down hard
  Mraize knows exactly what to do with your Shard.

 

My next darts are comin' at the sneaky stamper
  I hear your slippered feet as you flee and scamper
When I'm done with my roast, you'll be with Uncle Won
  You'll want to stamp yourself 'til your memory's gone

Check it out Shai, I'm a true bad boy
  Unlike you I'm the Real McCoy
I earned my mad skills, all on my own
  Not from sittin' around, carvin' pieces of stone

You're world is small, and you don't even know this
  You live on the same world as freaking Elantris
I'm a Worldhopper and an Investor as well–
  And all my shares in your planet I'm gonna Sel (your CR's messed up yo)

Without your soul stamps you're just an artist
  Let's face it yo, you ain't the smartest
You lost the scepter 'cuz–Let's be succinct
  you didn't see it coming and you got Hoid-winked.

With skills like yours you should be livin' it up
  Nor forging an Emperor so he don't spit up
Don't get me wrong, you're skills are amazing
  If changing urns to chamber pots is your thing

I feel sorry for you, you seem sad and lonely
  You life seems devoted to your work only
No one like's a faker–wait that depends...
  Unless you know the secret of making new friends

 

 

Edited August 25, 2018 by hoiditthroughthegrapevine
formatting, typos, etc.

[+Sorana she/her]

@hoiditthroughthegrapevine Thank you. But yours is fantastic. Much more like a rap than my approach.

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

25 minutes ago, Sorana said:

@hoiditthroughthegrapevine Thank you. But yours is fantastic. Much more like a rap than my approach.

Thanks! I really think yours was great, especially this part:

4 hours ago, Sorana said:

You're doing nothing but sitting in prison
Oh right - they say that you do have a mission
Old Dalinar scared you away like a pup
and I trust even Lift to eat you up.

Really my wife is kind of upset about how long I spent on my roast... We ended up not going camping because we didn't get out early enough to get a campsite (because I was working on this ).

Secretly I was excited that camping didn't work out so that I could get more time to work on this, and I could use my computer to format it.

[+Sorana she/her]

13 minutes ago, hoiditthroughthegrapevine said:

Really my wife is kind of upset about how long I spent on my roast... We ended up not going camping because we didn't get out early enough to get a campsite (because I was working on this ).

Secretly I was excited that camping didn't work out so that I could get more time to work on this, and I could use my computer to format it.

Oh wow. My husband is annoyed by the time I spent "in fictional worlds", but something like that didn't happen so far. And I don't think he would accept it. (Though he did accept that I rescheduled our vacation this year so that we could go to a live role play convention, I decided we couldn't miss. But that's something we do together, so it's somehow different.)

And thanks again for the compliment! That really means a lot to me!

Edited August 25, 2018 by Sorana

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

2 minutes ago, Sorana said:

And thanks again for the compliment! That really means a lot to me!

Well, it's well deserved. That's some great work.

We still had a fun day trip to the ocean, so really it was still a fun day, but I did waste 3 hours getting everything ready for camping.

I was annoying my wife by taking voice memo's of potential roast lines while we driving though...hmm, so maybe that's a minor vacation blow-up...

Pretty awesome to go conventions with your husband, my wife might go...but they would have to be convenient. C'est la vie right.

[+Sorana she/her]

Just now, hoiditthroughthegrapevine said:

Well, it's well deserved. That's some great work.

We still had a fun day trip to the ocean, so really it was still a fun day, but I did waste 3 hours getting everything ready for camping.

I was annoying my wife by taking voice memo's of potential roast lines while we driving though...hmm, so maybe that's a minor vacation blow-up...

Pretty awesome to go conventions with your husband, my wife might go...but they would have to be convenient. C'est la vie right.

Yes, c'est la vie.

And I'm really lucky that he's a role player, too. My life wouldn't be the same without plate armor in the living room or half finished swords in the cellar. Escecially with LARP you need a partner who can understand why it's fun to spend weekends crawling through mud, standing nightwatch and fighting demons, because that hobby really takes up a lot of your free time.

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

Just now, Sorana said:

And I'm really lucky that he's a role player, too. My life wouldn't be the same without plate armor in the living room or half finished swords in the cellar. Escecially with LARP you need a partner who can understand why it's fun to spend weekends crawling through mud, standing nightwatch and fighting demons, because that hobby really takes up a lot of your free time.

Rad.