Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[Ashspren]

48 minutes ago, Inklingspren said:

Hey @Ashspren, can I sign up for the 3rd season now?

Because you participated in this round, I won't put you on the reserved list. Sorry. 

8 hours ago, Herowannabe said:

Storms this is a hard choice. They're both so good...

As a side note, in the future if there are ties they should go into a bonus tie-breaker round, with each player allowed to post a limited number of bars (like 4-8) to roast the other one.

That's a really good idea. I'll start that next tournament. Thanks, Hero!

[Ink he/him]

Ah... alright. I'm just going to have to hope not as many people are on the reserved list as there are participants. I see why you did that. Even then, I might be a pinch-hitter.

[Ashspren]

And the victory... by literally ONE VOTE... goes to... @Edgedancer Jak, with Lift! 

Excellent job to both Edgedancer Jak and @hoiditthroughthegrapevine. It was a well-fought battle, and you two made Roast Battle History. 

~~~ 

Our final Tournament 2 Primaries group is... 

@Wyndlerunner, with Lightsong! 

@Mistspren, with Arclo! 

@I think I am here., with Taln! 

@Toaster Retribution, with Axies the Collector! 

Good luck, everyone! You have 48 hours. 

~~~ 

Unfortunately, starting now, my schedule is going to be really packed. I’m really worried that I won’t be able to be completely on schedule with everything... If I’m a few hours late with some posts, I apologize in advance. Just bear with me. 

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

Congratulations @Edgedancer Jak, your roast was awesome (as Lift would say).

Thanks again for making this happen Ashspren, this was a blast.

Looking forward to the next round, what a great line up!

[Herowannabe he/him]

Arclo and Axies? This should be good.

Spoiler

 

[Edgedancer Jak]

Dang, that's nuts! Dancing on the Edge.. Nice rap from you, too, @hoiditthroughthegrapevine! Everyone's been so good this round, I can practically see the Stormlight leaking from my computer screen.

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

1 hour ago, Edgedancer Jak said:

Dang, that's nuts! Dancing on the Edge.. Nice rap from you, too, @hoiditthroughthegrapevine! Everyone's been so good this round, I can practically see the Stormlight leaking from my computer screen.

Hats off to you brother, and you did it in an hour.

Stormlight is leaking from eyes, but it'll pass, it'll pass.

[Toaster Retribution he/him]

Here comes Axies!:

 

This contest really has been great so far

I´ve seen toastspren, roastspren and some stormin boastspren

But now I´m here to attract some of my own

Yes, studying is the reason I´ve come to this town

I´m Axies the Collector and I´m here to collect

The spren, the crown, and the names of those I beat next

 

Speaking of beating, let´s begin with Taln

Known for picking a fight

And for having the most confusing identity in Stormlight

Are you a Herald, a fraud or a Cognitive Shadow?

No one cares, because you arrived a bit too late, bro

The Desolation is here, and you are busy rambling

If you had been clearer in the head we could have avoided a lot of scrambling

But now you are here, and some think that´s worth toasting

Me?

I´m just happy you are here to hear my roasting!

 

Then there´s Lightsong, Returned from the dead

The guy who made his own priest shake his head

Thought being divine was hard

Despite the fact that you were resurrected by a Shard

All you did was drink and yawn

I found a disappointmentspren on your lawn

I´m suffering from the Curse of Kind

The only thing that haunts you is the inability to make your memory rewind

 

And finally, hello Arclo!

I always like seeing what your hordelings can do

Both of us are aimians

But only I have an actual aim

Philosophy isn´t really that fun of a game

Maybe it gets better if you happen to be a hive-mind?

But I doubt it, considering that your body is built of cremlings of some kind.

[+Ark1002]

Nice job! I really want to see Arclo's roast of Axies.

[Wyndlerunner he/him]

What's up y'all, Lightsong is my name, and verbally sparring is my claim to fame. 

I'd say that I'm cool, but to be more specific, when it comes down to it I'm rather deific.

Oh, Taln, Taln, if that's really your name? Because if it is, that would be quite a shame. The Herald Taln was heroic and grand. You? You can't get around without Shalash holding your hand. You're a piece of a god? So am I, what's the difference? I look the part, you show no resemblance.

Oh, it's Axies the collecter (better chart another vector) your island is gone, people see you as a spectre. So you've come to collect? Well so have I, and I could beat ya even if I didn't try. You looking for Alespren? Well who would've thunk! You won't find 'em here cause I can't get drunk! 

Hello Arclo, now you're more than odd, probably cause cremlings make up your bod. You're looked upon as eldritch, some sort of abomination. Meanwhile, fans heap me with praise and adoration!

That's all for me, so don't waste your Breath. Give them to me, and I'll spare you from verbal death!

*mike drop*

Edit: I apologize for the poor formatting, I wrote this on my phone, and its pretty difficult to get formatting right on it. Also, sidenote, roasting Taln was way easier than I was expecting.

Edited August 30, 2018 by Wyndlerunner
Had more thoughts

[Mistspren she/her]

Here it is. Note that different color texts are Arclo speaking from another cremling, allowing him to overlap his speech. Hope you enjoy the roast.

Disclaimer: I bear no ill will against any of the writers of Taln, Lightsong, or Axies. Great work on your roasts, and good luck.

Minor OB spoilers:

Spoiler

 

[I think I am here. he/him]

Nice rap, Mistspren. Sometimes I found it a little hard to follow, but overall, great!

Also, I second Mistspren's disclaimer.

Now, onto my own rap (please excuse the cringe use of 'fam'. ):

Spoiler

I'm Talenel, Herald of the Almighty,
and when I roast you, I'm gonna do it rightly.
Your pesky bars bend beneath my grip.
Your rhymes, under my hand they rip.

And from the ashes of your demise,
I'll say my win was never a surprise.

(Da, da, da, daaaa...)

Let's start with Arclo,
The Cremling man.
It's sad to know,
He's his only fan.

Because face it,
No one likes you, man.
You can't escape it,
You're as dumb as a can.

Do you really think,
That we are all,
Just parts and pieces,
Of bigger world?

Sorry to break it to you, man.
The world's not a storming animal, fam.

Did you really pick,
A philosophy.
That makes people think,
You're a bit crazy?

Sorry to say it to you, bud.
Not everyone's made of storming bugs!

(Da, da, da daaaa...)

Lightsong, Lightsong, Lightsong.
One wonders if you know,
How wrong, how wrong, how wrong you are,
No? Then let me show,

You say we're both a part of God,
One difference,
I'm not lame.

Because no matter how hard you try,
Fame's still,
My ballgame,

You don't know who you are,
I've got a star system named after my scar,
Oh, you got your memory back?
Turns out all you were was an accountant slack.

I was a KR, before it was cool,
I'll KO, you out of your rule.
And if you still act like a fool,
Then I'll K I double L you and Blushweaver too.

Because I'm a Stoneward, with two storming Surges.
And all you have is a breath that's worthless.
Because your life ends as mine emerges,
I would laugh but all it would be is mirthless.

Your only breath does one thing: heal.
Stormlight does that, yup.
One, large, change, though.
I don't need to die to power it up!

I took thousands of years of torture,
Deep in Odium's lair,
You'd break at the first sign of pressure,
If I'm stone you're glassware.

So take a break, dude,
Who cares if you've got light-for-brains?
'Cause when I go to roast you,
I do it hotter than Odium's own flames

(Da, da, da, daaaa...)

And now onto Axies, our last contender,
Lamest of all, a spren collector!
I really thought it couldn't get any worse, 
And then I heard your first verse!

You're crazy, man,
A loose screw,
You collect spren,
Like its all cool.

But let's be frank, dude.
You're as uninteresting as your years.
When I read your interlude,
I was bored almost to tears!

You say you bring void,
Though I've seen a voidbringer,
And believe it or not
Your a splinter to their timber

You're weak,
You're nothing,
You're an Aiman outcast.

You're meek,
I'm cunning,
I'm a Herald of Tanavast

I walk with Honour,
With my Honourblade.
You talk with beggars,
A stupid charade.

Oh, you can change your skin?
How sweet.
While I'm getting void-blood,
Off my feet.

And if you think I'm done with you,
Then I should tell you that the opposite is true.

Because no matter how much I discuss or talk,
There'll always be something to ridicule or galk.

And let me tell you this thing, my Axies, friend,
With you I have pages of material on end!

'Cause you're always a freak,
You're always weird,
Your faults stretch longer,
Than Ishar's own beard!

So let me make this straight, let me make it true,
When I'm done with you, you won't have one curse,
You'll have two.

(Da, da, da, daaaa...)

Because I'm Talenel, Herald of the Almighty,
And when I roast you, I'm gonna do it rightly.
Your pesky bars bend beneath my grip.
Your rhymes, under my hand they rip.

And from the ashes of your demise,
I'll say my win was never a surprise.

 

Edited August 30, 2018 by I think I am here.
Yo, yo, yo, give it up for TALENEL!

[Ashspren]

All right... here’s the link! 

https://goo.gl/forms/kp8h5L2y4aehAZWu1

VOTE VOTE VOTE!

[Ink he/him]

Those were all good. UHHHHHGGGGGGG... why must I only vote for one? I don't have a favorite! They were all so good!

[Herowannabe he/him]

10 minutes ago, Inklingspren said:

Those were all good. UHHHHHGGGGGGG... why must I only vote for one? I don't have a favorite! They were all so good!

Right?? This decision is even harder than last round... 

[Mistspren she/her]

@Ashspren the link didn’t work. It said the survey was closed.

I’m pretty glad I’m in this round, otherwise I’d have a hard time deciding. As it sits I have a little bit of bias. Just a little.

[HeyLookItz he/him]

Yeah it's not working for me either. It says it's "no longer excepting responses"

[Fezzik]

Me neither

[Nohadon he/him]

Hey. I'd like to join the next round (or if I can, this round)

Can someone @ me when I can join?

[Ashspren]

@Nohadon, I’ll put you on the reserved list. 

@Mistspren, sorry about that! Just fixed it. The 24 hours starts now. 

[Wyndlerunner he/him]

I will admit, that I'm rather disappointed that no one signed up as Blushweaver, it would have been fun to have a rap battle between Lightsong and her..

[Ashspren]

54 minutes ago, Wyndlerunner said:

I will admit, that I'm rather disappointed that no one signed up as Blushweaver, it would have been fun to have a rap battle between Lightsong and her..

Oh, storms. Would that really be a roast battle, or more like a pickup-line exchange? 

[Herowannabe he/him]

29 minutes ago, Ashspren said:

Oh, storms. Would that really be a roast battle, or more like a pickup-line exchange? 

Both

[I think I am here. he/him]

Huh, you know, this is such a close call, I wonder who I should vote for? Taln was pretty good, so I’m gonna vote for Taln.

No bias at all 

[Wyndlerunner he/him]

58 minutes ago, I think I am here. said:

Huh, you know, this is such a close call, I wonder who I should vote for? Taln was pretty good, so I’m gonna vote for Taln.

No bias at all 

No worries! I think most of the participants vote for themselves. I know I did.