Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[AonEne he/him]

These were both good! (I do know who my vote's going to, though )

[Ashspren]

And the winner... by ONE VOTE... is @Edgedancer Jak, with Lift! 

For some reason, Edgedancer Jak likes winning by one... 

We will see you in the championship round! 

~~~ 

Our next pairing is... 

@Archer, with Allomancer Jak! 

@I think I am here., with Taln!

Good luck!

[I think I am here. he/him]

Oh, god.

Let me get my rap ready.

[Herowannabe he/him]

18 minutes ago, Ashspren said:

And the winner... by ONE VOTE... is @Edgedancer Jak, with Lift! 

For some reason, Edgedancer Jak likes winning by one... 

We will see you in the championship round! 

~~~ 

Our next pairing is... 

@Archer, with Allomancer Jak! 

@I think I am here., with Taln!

Good luck!

Congrats @Edgedancer Jak! Well played!

 

(man maybe I should have worked in that Treebeard guest rap...  )

[Edgedancer Jak]

Thanks @Herowannabe!! Yours was super solid, too! 

 

2 hours ago, Ashspren said:

For some reason, Edgedancer Jak likes winning by one... 

 

What can I say, I like to live on the .......................... Edge. 

And also because everyone else's raps are also dang good.

[Archer he/him]

Well done, everyone who has made a roast. They've all been fantastic so far! Here's my submission. 

WARNING: Beware of Stormlight Archive and Mistborn spoilers!

Spoiler

By popular demand, we are releasing the unabridged version of the exciting climax of the acclaimed newspaper serial Allomancer Jak: Adventures in Space! As devoted readers will already know, this is Jak’s legendary roast of the alien Herald of War, Taln.

Edited and annotated by Handerwym, Jak’s own faithful Terris steward!

**********

Whatcha got, son?

A proclamation?

Hope you don’t faint,

Like you did at the gate.

Sit back, you shadow,

I’ll have the first go.

You’re selfless, just.

Hope you’re not self-conscious.

‘Cause there’s a tirade coming

That could send Hoid running!

(It’s redundant, T-Lat.

Your smell already did that.)

You’re the agony bearer.

Good. Makes this fairer.

Eternal torment’s nothing,

Compared to what’s coming.

I'll insult you so bad,*

You’ll go fully mad!

Or is that too blasé,

Since you’re already crazy?

No one respects Stonesinew,

You’ll never get a thank-you.

Your clothes don’t help.

Whatcha wearing, fried kelp?

When you chose to descend,

Coulda gave your shirt a mend.

You showed up like a tramp,

Far cry from god, champ.

Only Shalash even looks at you,

That should make you feel blue.

From legend to nobody,

That’s not very lordly.

But you were always the one,

Like an unwanted cousin,

who didn’t belong,

In the Herald throng.

Not a scholar or king.

If you don’t mind my asking,

What’s your qualifications?

Why should you save nations?

Only time we saw you fight,

You died, am I right?

So much for the myth,

That you had a special gift,

With the sword and surges.

A new narrative emerges.

I think you’re a fraud,

Not someone to laud.

You barely held the north pass,

That’s a job for a lass.

Real men aim for more.

They fight mistborn!

Or, since they’re no more,

They fight a mistboar!**

Last week I found one,

It knocked away my gun.

So, I wrestled the beast,

‘Til it was deceased.

What saved my life,

Was my trusty boot knife.

And a well-timed stab,

That cracked it like a crab.

You should take notes,

Or read the newspaper quotes.

If you study my moves,

You could (maybe) improve.

You should be jealous,

Of how I’m more zealous.

And have more experience, 

Than you, ‘Great Prince’.

Taln, I’m feeling queasy.

‘Cause this is too easy!

I’m the best roast supplier,

Today, I’m on fire!

Not that you can tell,

I’m told your time in Hell,

Messed with your perception,

Made all a fiery deception.

Before you burn up,

You need backup.

Where your friends at?

You’re the only one at bat. ^†

Not to let out the cat,

But they gone from the chat.

Leaving you in a snag,

Holding the Oathpact bag.

Thus, your mantra’s a lie,

Not that it applies.

You got the wrong date,

And arrived too late.

Can you take a veiled hint?

Your one job, you failed it!

Besides, you’re obsolete.

Mankind is elite.

Take me, for example.

All the Voidbugs^‡, I’d trample.

As my readers know,

With gun or with bow,

No one beats Jak.

And that’s a fact.

I am King of the Koloss,

I could be Trell’s boss.

Award winning Tineye,

All around great guy.

With folks like me around,

Why are you on the ground?

Your info’s antiquated,

And very outdated.

If Roshar’s like here,

Then you could disappear,

And nothing would change,

‘Cept a reduction in mange.

Even your weapon’s a relic.

We’ve got bullets of ceramic.

(And metals like lead.)

Through the air they’ve sped.

While you’ve got a toy cleaver.

That screams like a beaver.

And where’d that Honorblade go?

Gone as the shard, no?

You really need to upgrade,

For a gun, you should trade.

I could talk to Ranette, ^§

She’d help out, I’ll bet.

I think she likes me.

But that’s another story.

Bottom line, bro.

I’m a better hero.

We both have a nice tan,

But you’re a broken man.

To be irreverent,

You are irrelevant.

I’m from the next gen,

Of adventurous men.

You’re older than a gem,

And as useful as crem.

Thanks for stopping by.

Nice of you to try.

But you can’t beat an attack,

From Allomancer Jak!

**********

Editor’s Notes:

* This is just one of many grammatical errors Jak refuses to let me correct. I suggested replacing the line with, ‘I will insult you effectively/you’ll shield your ego protectively’. Jak refused on the basis that it ‘would sound like the noise a kandra makes when you twist their spikes’.

** I never saw this creature. Jak tells me it attacked him while I was sleeping, but the only proof of the encounter he was able to provide was the broken remains of my favourite knife.

^† This expression is derived from the terminology of a sport popular in the Western Dominance. According to one traveler I interviewed, it involves hitting a small ball with a stick, then doing the box step in celebration.

^‡ Despite my best efforts to educate him, Jak has little more than a rudimentary knowledge of both entomology and cryptozoology. Unfortunately, this hasn’t stopped an alarming number of academics from using his writings as a primary source for their research. Studies like Boxford’s An Analysis of the Food Chains of Rare and Alien Creatures are the result.

^§ It should be noted that while Jak’s gun was made by the gunsmith Ranette, he bought it second-hand. As far as I know, he has never actually met her.

 

Edited September 6, 2018 by Archer

[Ashspren]

@I think I am here., about 25 hours left!

[Ink he/him]

That was great @Archer! Lets see how Taln responds.

[I think I am here. he/him]

Great rap, Archer! You've set the bar high.

Now, onto my own roast.

Spoiler

I'm Talenel, ninth son of Honour,
And when I roast you,
You're gonna be a goner.

Your lines are nothing,
Next to my verses.
Your Allomancy's useless,
Compared to my Surges.

And from the wreckage of your defeat,
I'll prove myself as one of the elite.

Hey, look who's back!
Oh hey, it's Jak!
The dumb-dumbest explorer,
Your lines couldn't be poorer.

But while your fame's still a mystery,
My name's down in history.
'Cause while you're out "saving lives",
I'm charging Odium with my battlecry!

But let's be real,
This is all just causal boasting.
Now I'll let you feel,
The true power of my roasting.

You asked why I'm a Herald,
One reason:
I'm a badass.

Your most powerful weapon,
Is probably,
Your stupid use of sass.

At least Arclo, Axies, Lightsong had a little storming class!
Your idea of a joke,
Is to say something crass.

Well, I've got news for you, you don't get a free pass,
When I'm done with you, you'll go back crying to your lass.

(one, two, three, four)

'Cause your end is near,
Filled with fear?
I could beat a Seer,
You'd be afraid of a deer.
'Cause my rap's nuclear,
Your stupidity is clear,
You just wait and sip your beer,
Til your Terrisman appears.
Your only peer,
Who gives you your only cheer,
But behind your rear,
Probably leers and jeers.
But I'm here,
On a whole other tier,
You're a Tineye, lend an ear,
Do you hear?
I'm the best,
In the storming Cosmere!

(five, six, seven, eight)

But enough sugarcoating,
Let's get rid of this clown.
'Cause when I go to roast you,
You're gonna storming stay down!

'Cause your mouth needs a cap,
Your steward needs a nap,
You've stepped on my trap,
Time to kill you with rap.

'Cause you're a joke, you know? *
(Mentally slow)
Your raps don't flow.
(Is your confidence low?)
'Cause you sound like a crow,
(And look like one too)
And your faults only grow,
(You're the worst of your crew)

'Weak' isn't a word in my vocabulary,
It's clearly the only one in yours.
'Dumb' won't be in my obituary,
But in yours that'll be all.

'Gross' can't describe the majesty of a Herald,
But for you, it'll be enough.
'Rabid' could describe you, you're nasty and feral.
Time for me to speak off the cuff:

(one, two, three, four)

Hey,
You say,
You're not afraid,
But I know the truth.

Now, time to pay,
You die today,
Your success is a sleuth.

'Cause I know you're
Terrified,
Of my immense skill.

If you're so storming
Petrified,
Then let me have my kill!

'Cause you're thicker than a tower,
You don't seem like you've had a shower. **
You're the weakest in power.
I'll knock you down within an hour.
You're a thorn to my flower,
While I stand strong you still cower.

'Cause when we're talking 'bad'.
You couldn't go any lower.
I'm faster, you're slower.
Now listen, you ogre.
'Cause when it comes down to the better of us,
You're just mediocre.
Nothing more,
Nothing better.

(five, six, seven, eight)

All right, 
(yeah)
All right,
(yeah)

Tryna bring you down,
Tryna knock you to the ground,
Tonight.

All right, 
(yeah)
All right,
(yeah)

It seems you have adjourned,
You're ability to learn.
How outmatched you are,
In this fight.

All right, 
(yeah)
All right 
(yeah)

I think I've still got room for you,
In my appetite, alright?

All right, 
(yeah)
All right,
(yeaaaaaah)

'Cause you're done.
No more fun,
Under the sun.
You're going down.
To the ground,
Like the clown you are.
You're an enemy, † 
Hearing me?
Dumber than an anemone.
If only you could see,
That your only friend's
Imaginary.

'Cause I'm winning with glee.

You're an Allomancer,
Use your tin,
Use it to see.

That compared to me,
You're nothing.
Disagree?
Alright then, let us see.

'Cause if I'm a forest,
You're a tree.
If I'm an eagle,
You're a flea.
If I'm an 'A',
You're a 'Z'.
If I'm a miracle,
You're a catastrophe.

So, hear me out, Jak.
You understand my rap?
And after my attack,
Are you gonna give me a clap?

'Cause while you like wall-licking,
I like trophy-picking.
And something I'm thinking,
Is that you need a good kicking! §

Any defence you have's all in vain.
'Cause when my rap hits, it hits like a hurricane.
Don't look back now, nothing can be saved,
'Cause when I'm done roasting,
You'll never be the same again.

'Cause I'm Talenel, ninth son of Honour,
And when I roast you,
You're gonna be a goner.

Your lines are nothing,
Next to my verses.
Your Allomancy's useless,
Compared to my Surges.

And from the wreckage of your defeat,
I'll prove myself as one of the elite.

***Footnote***

* And now, onto Handerwym,
You uncreative hack.
Hey, Kelsier called.
He wants his Terrisman back!

** You're people are free yet you still work for Jak?
Wow, an Honour I have is an Honour you lack.

† 'Cause I'm a rap god,
Pinnacle of glory and fame,

§ And look at me now, Wym.
I just beat you at your own game.

 

Edited September 7, 2018 by I think I am here.
Yo, yo, yo, give it up for our Killer of Void, our Herald of Roshar. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you, TALENEL!

[Ashspren]

Here’s the link! 

https://goo.gl/forms/LybdTbLtb6Bknf3i1

VOTE VOTE VOTE!!!

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

Awesome roasts @Archer and @I think I am here.! You guys cranked it to 11!

Great roasts too from last round @Herowannabe and @Edgedancer Jak, and a congratulations on Edging past Hero on that one (that one was seriously too close to call, great job guys)

[Ashspren]

And the winner is... @Archer, with Allomancer Jak! 

~~~ 

I’ll post the official statement signaling the championships in about 24 hours. 

[Archer he/him]

Woot! Well done, Itiah. That was a great round!

I look forward to the Edgedancer Jak vs Jak showdown.

[I think I am here. he/him]

Great job, Archer!

[Ink he/him]

Jak Vs Lift. Honestly? The two I though would lose before we started (along with stick) But you two wrote them very well. Congrats! I look forward to this. You are both really good.

[Ashspren]

Hello, 17th Shard users,  and welcome to the Tournament Two Championship Round! 

Introducing our two amazing competitors... 

@Archer, with Allomancer Jak! 

@Edgedancer Jak, with Lift! 

These two have entertained us with amazing raps throughout this tournament, so of course, we are all so excited to see what they have to come up with! 

Good luck to you both! 

[AonEne he/him]

Good luck, guys! I look forward to reading two raps that will surely be awesome!

[Ashspren]

@Archer @Edgedancer Jak 23 more hours!

[Archer he/him]

Here goes!

WARNING: Beware of Stormlight Archive (especially Edgedancer) spoilers!

Spoiler

In this special advance preview of Jak’s astounding adventure on Roshar*, his much-hyped roast of the alien she-warrior Lift is finally revealed. For more of Jak’s audacious acts, watch for Episode 102: Allomancer Jak and the Sentients of Space in this week’s House Record!   

*Edited and annotated by Handerwym, Jak’s own faithful Terris steward!

************

Hi Lift! Isn’t this cool? Hope I don’t look cruel,

As I destroy you fool in the last roast duel.

Go easy on you, ‘cause you look, what, seven?

Not something I’ll do! Crank this to eleven!

It’s your unlucky day, in more ways than one.

As Wayne would say, this will be pretty fun.

This’ll be as interesting as when that team-

Oops, Handy’s signalling me to stick to one scheme.

I have risked my skin* and mastered tin.

All your biggest win was was copying Vin.

Little girl, in a crew. Sound familiar to you?

I’ll give you a clue. Ain’t unique what you do.

Remember when, gir’, with morals you did tamper?

Blinded by anger, that mean, you gangster,

Going down miffed, I always up, Lift.

I would never shift, like that, that’s weak stuff.

I’ll admit that yo, are more powerful.

But you’ve upgrades, bro, that grant you Regrow.

You cheated the game, asked to be the same.

So Nightwatcher came and made you less lame.

You owe it to her, she made this occur.

Without her, you were a trivial blur.

Even with your boon, ‘round ya trouble’s strewn.

Hunted by that goon, Darkness, to make typhoons.

Although, to be fair, he’s scary as a bear.

I’m used to more rare villains that will dare,

To try bolder tricks. Tried Roughs politics?

One time, just for kicks, I ran ‘gainst Mayor Bricks.

(I was trying to show he’d been lying,

About applying the cause of some dying,

It’s a long story. Ended with a foray,

Into a quarry, then things got gory.)

Point is, you’d have died, if that you had tried.

Oh, sure, you can slide, but you’re small inside.

Known for your awesome metabolism,

Stormlight’s oft the sum, but have you tried rum?

You’re an immortal^†, but, I chortle, 

You teetotal, never touched a bottle. 

Don’t give me that crem, about being ten.

You need to live an’ enjoy life again!

So, you learned to make and eat some pancakes.

For Harmony’s sake! That’s child’s play, you fake.

I’d like to allege, you dance on the edge,

of greatness you fledg-ling. You can grow sedge,

Or grass, trees, or crops. Instead, you rob shops,

And evade the cops. You’re like a cyclops.

Pathetic vision. The power of progression,

Could make provisions. I can envision,

So many ways it could help a bit.^‡ 

Instead, you do hits. ‘Round the town you flit.

That’s you to me, (Transpose the F, see?).

So much more to be, but you prefer your sprees. 

Though I am impressed, by that spren you molest.

He’s always oppressed, but still does his best.

Juxtaposition: He has exposition,

a Realmatic logician predisposition.

You’re (to be vicious), too superstitious.

And so unambitious. Eating nutritious,

Is fine, delicious. Makes your teeth piceous,

But between us, I’d do the same, no fuss.

Bottom line though, you’re outclassed by Wyndle.

And he’s a window, into your mad soul.

Worse by a spren, you should be forgotten.

Relegated then, to the dreams of men.

You oughta be in, Lift, fields to be havin’,

Fun. Run home or somethin’. You’re out of place, hon.

Life won’t cut you slack. Your stuff, you should pack.

‘Cause you’ve been setback by Allomancer Jak!

************

Editor’s Notes:

* This is likely a reference to his most recent adventure, when he met a Worldhopper. (See Episode 58, Allomancer Jak and the Tournament of Worldhopscotch!) He was tricked into believing that on other planets people tattoo their foreheads for fun. I am convinced that he would have gone through with the disfiguring procedure in order to impress the traveler had he not fainted at the sight of the needle.

^† Jak would like me to remind his readers (for the sixteenth time this year) of his claim that he has a pet Faceless Immortal who is quote unquote ‘a dozen times better than that idea with legs’ that is Ms. Lift’s companion. He tried to mention it in this couplet, but I convinced him afterwards that rhyming immortal with Immortal is poor form, even if one of them is capitalized.

^‡ Jak’s still annoyed that the café in Fadrex City wouldn’t accept granite statuettes as payment. He’s been trying to find a way to get free food ever since.

 

[Edgedancer Jak]

Yo,

I’m’a get scholarship to King’s College,

I prob’ly shouldn’t brag, but dag, with every word I amaze and astonish,

The problem is I got a lotta brains but -- Oh, wait.

 

Wrong heroic, prodigy orphan growing up on the streets. Sorry Lin Manuel Maranda!

 

Haven't read @Archer's yet because I want to get my thoughts together first, I'm sure it's pretty darn good judging by his past performances, though. I'll have mine up sometime tomorrow morning!

[Ashspren]

@Edgedancer Jak, 30 more minutes!

[Archer he/him]

@Ashspren If he's late, I don't mind giving him some more time. I'd rather not have this end like the last one did.  

[Ashspren]

2 hours ago, Archer said:

@Ashspren If he's late, I don't mind giving him some more time. I'd rather not have this end like the last one did.  

Excellent, thank you so much! @Edgedancer Jak, whenever you’re ready. For the sake of time, though, roughly 24 more hours?

[Edgedancer Jak]

Dang, @Archer, I really enjoyed that, and my character was the one getting roasted!

Here's Lift!

Spoiler

 

 

 

Hey Li’l Prancer Jak,

Get ready to take some flak,

You’ve already taken too many cracks

To the head, your tall-telling smacks

Of thin air from the substance it lacks.

Lift’s here to give you some facts.

 

From the sound of your stories, I’m glad I can’t read,

If'n I could, my eyes just might bleed,

Just hearing your fictions

Gives me Grand Indigestions.

What’ve you got?

You’re stuck in a rut.

 

I’m just starting my journey,

You’ll end yours in a gurney,

I’m growing and learning,

The Words are just burning,

A Radiant to be,

I’ll keep my people free,

Puttin’ my life at risk,

For even those who get missed,

What do you work for?

Silky socks in your drawer?

 

This game has been chill,

But it’s time to get real.

 

You think yourself gentleman of the Roughs,

You clearly don’t know your stuff,

Feral hunger, the struggle to survive,

You have no clue what it’s like to actually strive.

Where’s the next meal, no mum ‘n no dad,

Only people around you with life just as bad.

There’s a strength and a power

From beating the darkest hours.

That’s a depth you’ll never see,

So stop pretending.

 

You put yourself in danger to fatten your checkbook,

Trying to get silly people to give you a first look,

How ‘bout instead of your foolish misadventures,

You use that big head to save people from their distressers?

 

I listen to those ignored, I remember the forgotten,

You live with lies told about gains you’ve never gotten,

You’re an ugly tourist in a world you don’t understand,

If you want to learn, here, I’ll give you a hand,

Listen

To the missin’,

Hear

Their fears,

Recall

The sound of their fall.

 

 

[Ashspren]

All right everyone, here’s the last voting link for Tournament 2! 

https://goo.gl/forms/0QmN1kSyE4Z8OeP93

Quick reminder for anyone who did not participate in Tournament 2: this is your LAST CHANCE to reserve a spot for Tournament 3! 

Okay, now... good luck to both of the competitors. Both of your raps were amazing! 

VOTE VOTE VOTE! May the best competitor win!