Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[DramaQueen she/he/neopronouns]

[Kings_way he/they]

Oh no, am I going to have to change my username to Vincinni?

[Fezzik]

Don't worry, Vincinni. You have me!

[+Doomstick he/him]

3 hours ago, Fezzik said:

Don't worry, Vincinni. You have me!

Fezzik! Are there sharks ahead?

[+Sorana she/her]

Okay, so here we are. I'm not entirely satisfied, but in the end I know, that I won't have the time to go over it again, so here you are!

I tried out a few things and it turned out quite different from my previous ones - so any feedback is appreciated.

Spoiler

*Gaotona steps onto the stage and bows*

I’m honored to address you, respected opponents
Heard quite a lot, ‘bout your deeds and actions
there are but a few, I would love to greet
only a few, I look forward to meet
so if you’d spare me a minute, of your precious time,
I won’t disappoint you, with these words of mine

Please, come a bit closer, beautiful spren
you are still a young one, your bond quite recent
You’re able to grant power, to lead and to guide
you can shape the world, with a Radiant beside
These abilities of yours I greatly admire
as they are something I honestly desire
A world with less lies, with honestly ruling
a world where guidance isn’t considered boring

Don’t worry I know, that without a bond
You end up mindless, like a fish in a pond
No need to feel bad, there is no reason
for in the artists you seek, lies a great wisdom
just a little more truth, less focus on lies
but given your age, it’s just a mood passing by

*turns toward Ishi’Elin and bows again, deeply this time*

I’m greatly honored by your appearance, Tashi or Tashim,
or if you prefer I’ll call you Ishi’Elin
I don’t care for you name, or the role you play
I care for your actions, for the truth they bear

Be it high priest or herald,
you are a great man,
but don’t you agree, you’re a bit – exaggerating?
Maybe tone down this pomp, these great words of yours
just a bit, just enough, that you can hear the world.
They need your help, and yet you decline,
you ask for servants, when that role should be thine

No need to tell me, I know ruling is hard,
it eats up your life, your hours, slips under your guard,
you offered your power and even your brain
and yet it has been, mostly in vain.
It’s a ruler’s curse, to try for the best,
and be proven wrong, by future and past.

*frowns when his eyes rest on Rock for a moment before he reluctantly addresses him as well*

Last and least, *a long a sigh*
I see you, honored fighter, you’re brave and strong
but without any sense of right and wrong

*a longer pause, as if considering to leave it at that before he goes on*

When I look at you actions, I can see what you did
I can follow the lines, every single bit
But in the end it comes down, to one single fact
What I value the most, you stomped into dirt

Loyalty and honestly, are pillars of old,
they are far from easy, to follow around
But if you step up, and face the challenge
You can be sure you’ve won, a loyal ally
I really tried to think, of a fact I value
something, I like and respect about you
but in the end my opinion, climbed lower and lower.
Because you, my dear soldier, are nothing but a coward

*turns away and ignores him from now on*

*bows to the other two*

I greatly value your opinions,
Your thoughts and suggestions
And despite a few lies,
blue as grass or green as the skies
I would be a fool to discard your feedback
I’ll take home my notes and thank you a lot
A safe journey home, may your gods be with you
be it by portal or horseback, may your troubles be few.
 

 

Edited July 15, 2020 by Sorana

[Hen she/her]

@Sorana that was very Gaotona of you. I liked it!!! It was more of a subtle roast but it was great! 
@Gears And @hoiditthroughthegrapevine I don’t think I complimented yours yet, but they were both awesome roasts, I had no idea the power I was up against. 

I had to listen to Hamilton when writing mine to get me in that... rap battle spirit. 

[dannnex male]

I really liked that one, very passive aggressive

Is that all of them? Do we need to set up a poll or something to vote?

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

Brilliant @Sorana!

You got his voice perfectly. Only Gaotona would roast people by being disappointed that they haven't fulfilled their potential. This is the only roast I've seen that is based on humble dissapointment.

Great roasts everybody!

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

Looks great all four of you! Here's the poll, it'll be open for 24 hours. Vote now!

[Gears]

6 minutes ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

Looks great all four of you! Here's the poll, it'll be open for 24 hours. Vote now!

It says "You need permission. This form can only be viewed by users in the owner's organization."

[+Sorana she/her]

3 hours ago, Hentient said:

that was very Gaotona of you. I liked it!!! It was more of a subtle roast but it was great! 

 

1 hour ago, hoiditthroughthegrapevine said:

You got his voice perfectly. Only Gaotona would roast people by being disappointed that they haven't fulfilled their potential. This is the only roast I've seen that is based on humble dissapointment.

 

2 hours ago, Danex said:

I really liked that one, very passive aggressive

Thank you so much! That was exactly what I was aiming for! I have to admit I spent more time on getting the tone right than anything else.

[Kings_way he/they]

2 hours ago, Gears said:

It says "You need permission. This form can only be viewed by users in the owner's organization."

Same here

[Mat he/him]

2 hours ago, Kings_way said:

Same here

Yep

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

Results are in! The winners of the first round are @Sorana as Gaotona and @Gears as Rock! Congrats to both of you and thanks for playing @Hentient and @hoiditthroughthegrapevine. 

Round two will be @Kings_way as Sixth of the Dusk, @Truthless of Shinovar as Waxillium Ladrain, @Toaster Retribution as Jenet, and @SirWolfe as Sigzil. You will also get 3 days, so roasts are due on Sunday. If this doesn’t work let me know! Good luck to all four of you!

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

Congratulations @Sorana and @Gears, those were great roasts!

Excited to see the roasts for round 2!

[+Sorana she/her]

4 hours ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

Congrats to both of you and thanks for playing @Hentient and @hoiditthroughthegrapevine. 

It was an honor to face the two of you!

And I really look forward to everybody else's roasts! Have fun writing them! I'm excited to see what you come up with!

[Toaster Retribution he/him]

Most likely roasting tomorrow. Today is my last work-day. Whooo!

[SirWolfe]

And here we go!

*Sigzil walks up to the others.*

Spoiler

Greetings,
I’m Sigzil,
Worldsinger, 
Squire Windrunner,
My efforts are useful, my lessons insightful,
I keep Bridge Four running in terms of morals, morale, and financials.

To my friends I am kind,
I’m encouraging and helpful,
But you aren’t my friends,
So prepare for a mouthful.

*Turns to Lord Ladrian*
Now, excuse me, sir,
Lord Ladrian, sir
You know what, nevermind, I’ll stop being so formal,
You may be a lord but you sure ain’t mine.

*Snarls and punctuates each line with a jab to Wax’s chest*
You irresponsible prick,
Your kind makes me sick,
For the sake of your “freedom” you neglect those under your care.
Sure, you didn’t ask for the responsibility,
But neither did I, yet for Bridge Four I’m there.

Honestly, you’re a damned shame,
You flee from your duty, you’re a Lord only in name,
You rely on Steris to do the hard work,
Of maintaining your house and your House,
While your duties you shirk.

You have no delicacy, no class,
And I’ve noticed that you’ve not submitted the forms,
For being an absolute chull (NOTE: It seems like 17thShard has an auto-censor. The word Chull appears to have replaced my original word, which would make it rhyme with the first line in this section, and is also another word for donkey)
So I did you a favor, you lazy, violent worm,
And completed the paperwork in your name,

You’ve no respect for respectability,
Not a shred of nobility,
As expected of Harmony’s Ruin,
You make a right mess,
Of every gathering,
Every social address.

You may call politics a silly game,
But it’s a silly game that keeps the common people alive.

You think that you’ve had it rough, lawman of the Roughs?
Don’t kid me, you’re noble, you’re rich, you’ve got power.
Me, I’m the son of a laborer,
In a nation of scholars,
I failed my exams because I didn’t have time,
To both study and work, to support the family of mine.

Now, with you I’m done,
And now it’s time to move on to the child from First of the Sun

*Turns to Sixth of Dusk with a sneer*
Sixth of the Dusk, 
What a name, what a joke!
Let me tell you the truth young man, 
Your only advantage is a couple of chickens
Your magic’s reliant on having those birds on your shoulder,
To help you avoid your various grisly ends.

How’s life on an island that constantly tries to kill you,
A life spent in hiding, the constant risk of dying,
Praying to a god who never responds,
Except to send even more hardships and danger, 
While you protect his magic, parasite-filled pond

You think you’re so cool,
Living on that island alone,
Living the life of a storming fool,
Following your uncle’s teachings,
Hiding whenever you hear nightmaws screeching.

You’d say that you’re better,
For evading and surviving,
Facing death at every turn,
Every waking moment on guard,
Knowing that any mistake could cause you to die.
But let me tell you something:
So have I.

I was part of Bridge Four before Kaladin came,
A suicide crew, a disposable piece in a game.
We had run right into danger,
Forced to throw away our lives for the glory of strangers.

I was a slave, a soldier, a bridge runner,
You’re what, a trapper? A trader? An antisocial no-namer?
At least you had a choice in the matter,
You could have decided to leave anytime,
That was a luxury that I couldn’t afford,

 

*Leaves Sixth of the Dusk behind, and pulls out a neat sheet of paper*

Now, who's next on the list,

It says here you're Jenet.

Jenet, where have I heard that name bef- oh!
You’re that horse lady, the one with the temper.
Oh wait, you’re a lighteyes,
I apologize, ma’am.
Mistress, with all due respect,
your ‘lessons’ were useless and your teachings were boring,
And this is coming from an Azish who enjoys working with ledgers.

Mistress, with you, one can do nothing but wish to expire,
To jump into a chasm in an effort to forget your existence.

In my humble opinion, you’re like a sphere that’s gone dun,
You’ve no dreams, nor ambition, 
And you will never be able,
To leave that damned stable.

I may be a clerk,
But at least I do work,
At least I have dreams, meaningful goals,
You may be a lighteyes,
But while you dedicate your life to tending to foals,
I interweave stories with truth, and aim to be first into the skies.

Actually, you’re more like a sphere that’s just made of glass
Worthless and useless, a pointless piece of trash.
You care more for the horses than you do for the soldiers,
Who place their lives on the line so you can spend time,
Prancing around with the horses, making their coats shine.

You might find me boring,
Judgemental and blunt,
But I’m aware of my faults,
And work to keep them in line.

And to end my tirade, I’ve sent out a form,
For you all to concede,
Because let’s face reality,
There’s no way in Damnation,
That you could ever beat me.

Edited July 18, 2020 by SirWolfe

[Truthless of Shinovar he/him]

12 hours ago, SirWolfe said:

And here we go!

*Sigzil walks up to the others.*

  Hide contents

Greetings,
I’m Sigzil,
Worldsinger, 
Squire Windrunner,
My efforts are useful, my lessons insightful,
I keep Bridge Four running in terms of morals, morale, and financials.

To my friends I am kind,
I’m encouraging and helpful,
But you aren’t my friends,
So prepare for a mouthful.

*Turns to Lord Ladrian*
Now, excuse me, sir,
Lord Ladrian, sir
You know what, nevermind, I’ll stop being so formal,
You may be a lord but you sure ain’t mine.

*Snarls and punctuates each line with a jab to Wax’s chest*
You irresponsible prick,
Your kind makes me sick,
For the sake of your “freedom” you neglect those under your care.
Sure, you didn’t ask for the responsibility,
But neither did I, yet for Bridge Four I’m there.

Honestly, you’re a damned shame,
You flee from your duty, you’re a Lord only in name,
You rely on Steris to do the hard work,
Of maintaining your house and your House,
While your duties you shirk.

You have no delicacy, no class,
And I’ve noticed that you’ve not submitted the forms,
For being an absolute chull,
So I did you a favor, you lazy, violent worm,
And completed the paperwork in your name,

You’ve no respect for respectability,
Not a shred of nobility,
As expected of Harmony’s Ruin,
You make a right mess,
Of every gathering,
Every social address.

You may call politics a silly game,
But it’s a silly game that keeps the common people alive.

You think that you’ve had it rough, lawman of the Roughs?
Don’t kid me, you’re noble, you’re rich, you’ve got power.
Me, I’m the son of a laborer,
In a nation of scholars,
I failed my exams because I didn’t have time,
To both study and work, to support the family of mine.

Now, with you I’m done,
And now it’s time to move on to the child from First of the Sun

*Turns to Sixth of Dusk with a sneer*
Sixth of the Dusk, 
What a name, what a joke!
Let me tell you the truth young man, 
Your only advantage is a couple of chickens
Your magic’s reliant on having those birds on your shoulder,
To help you avoid your various grisly ends.

How’s life on an island that constantly tries to kill you,
A life spent in hiding, the constant risk of dying,
Praying to a god who never responds,
Except to send even more hardships and danger, 
While you protect his magic, parasite-filled pond

You think you’re so cool,
Living on that island alone,
Living the life of a storming fool,
Following your uncle’s teachings,
Hiding whenever you hear nightmaws screeching.

You’d say that you’re better,
For evading and surviving,
Facing death at every turn,
Every waking moment on guard,
Knowing that any mistake could cause you to die.
But let me tell you something:
So have I.

I was part of Bridge Four before Kaladin came,
A suicide crew, a disposable piece in a game.
We had run right into danger,
Forced to throw away our lives for the glory of strangers.

I was a slave, a soldier, a bridge runner,
You’re what, a trapper? A trader? An antisocial no-namer?
At least you had a choice in the matter,
You could have decided to leave anytime,
That was a luxury that I couldn’t afford,

 

*Leaves Sixth of the Dusk behind, and pulls out a neat sheet of paper*

Now, who's next on the list,

It says here you're Jenet.

Jenet, where have I heard that name bef- oh!
You’re that horse lady, the one with the temper.
Oh wait, you’re a lighteyes,
I apologize, ma’am.
Mistress, with all due respect,
your ‘lessons’ were useless and your teachings were boring,
And this is coming from an Azish who enjoys working with ledgers.

Mistress, with you, one can do nothing but wish to expire,
To jump into a chasm in an effort to forget your existence.

In my humble opinion, you’re like a sphere that’s gone dun,
You’ve no dreams, nor ambition, 
And you will never be able,
To leave that damned stable.

I may be a clerk,
But at least I do work,
At least I have dreams, meaningful goals,
You may be a lighteyes,
But while you dedicate your life to tending to foals,
I interweave stories with truth, and aim to be first into the skies.

Actually, you’re more like a sphere that’s just made of glass
Worthless and useless, a pointless piece of trash.
You care more for the horses than you do for the soldiers,
Who place their lives on the line so you can spend time,
Prancing around with the horses, making their coats shine.

You might find me boring,
Judgemental and blunt,
But I’m aware of my faults,
And work to keep them in line.

And to end my tirade, I’ve sent out a form,
For you all to concede,
Because let’s face reality,
There’s no way in Damnation,
That you could ever beat me.

Wow. That was really good!

[SirWolfe]

55 minutes ago, Truthless of Shinovar said:

Wow. That was really good!

Thank you! I try my best.

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

Roasts are due today @Truthless of Shinovar, @Kings_way, and @Toaster Retribution. 

[Toaster Retribution he/him]

3 hours ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

Roasts are due today @Truthless of Shinovar, @Kings_way, and @Toaster Retribution. 

Sorry for taking long. Here comes Jenet:

Spoiler

All right, listen up boys

I can teach you how to ride a horse

But today I will show how to roast with force!

(After all, roasting isn’t mentioned in Arts and Majesty, so anyone who wants to roast can do it). 

 

Let’s start with Wax

You are about as pleasant as a dull axe

Always out catching criminals and crooks

Your exploits have filled many books

Still, you look like a ruffian, with your guns and your hat

I will crush you like my horse crushes a rat

When it comes to riding, roasting, or just not getting killed, I’m clearly the queen!

So you stay in your manor and admit that I’m the best thing you have ever stormin seen!

You died once, and my rhymes will slay you once more

Now I’ll move on, since you are such a bore.

 

 

Sigzil, bridgeman, soldier and apprentice of Wit (that guy is real wierd, by the way).

Is there any profession you haven’t tried on for a fit?

You scribe for the bridgemen, thats all good and neat

Taking care of horses though, that wasn’t really your best feat

When there is need for some surging, they call for Drehy or Skar

Your status as a side character hasn’t really gotten you all that far

 

 

Then lastly we have Dusk, as ugly as a whitespine tusk

We both like animals, that is pretty cool

But by the Almighty, my horses are better than some invested chickens, you fool

You think Patji is tough, with its predators and all?

We have storms that would make you hide until sometime next fall

While scary monsters are a big threat

The weather on Roshar is chilly and wet

One wind from the Stormfather would blow your chickens to Shinovar, I’d bet

So don’t think your impressive, cause honestly, you arent even close

Now please give up, before i have Dreamstorm bite your nose

Edit: Just read @SirWolfes roast, and man that was good. 

Edited July 19, 2020 by Toaster Retribution

[SirWolfe]

@Truthless of Shinovar@Kings_way

Sigzil *whiny voice*: Guuuuuys, you need to fill out the correct paperwork to drop out or ask for more time.

[Truthless of Shinovar he/him]

Quote

Ok, I’m about 70% done, I think I’ll be able to finish it tonight, but if not, do you mind if I post it sometime tomorrow Ghanderflaffle?

@Ghanderflaffle

 

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

That's fine. Can you have it by the end of today? @Truthless of Shinovar