Rules for Surviving a Fantasy World

[Aeoryi she/her]

628. A group of three Adventurers always features a traitor.

629. Should an evil person show up in the night, the chances of you noticing are negligible in most environments.

630. Magic items that have a fore warning attached should always be used, even if it is used incorrectly.

631. Avoid unnecessary romance side-plots along the way. 

632. Sometimes, sacrifices must be made, but you may have to make it more dramatic otherwise people will forget who was dead and who was alive.

633. Odd, prime numbers are always better for super-mysterious-ultra-powerful councils. A number like 4 is blasphemy. 

634. One cannot outrun a mysterious monster in a cave. Refrain from interacting in dark caves.

635. Fall damage is negated if there was a greater hazard nearby.

636. Drink coffee.

[Ookla she/her]

On 11/1/2018 at 4:52 PM, Faceless Mist-Wraith said:

266. No matter where you are, no matter how safe you feel, always look behind you.

This is just plain old good advice.

305. If you're standing on a volcano near the climax, do try to avoid triggering the eruption (one of my characters broke this rule and nearly died as a result--though she did kill both villains and sink an island with it). Furthermore, if you are the villain, don't build your base in or near a volcano (a rule my villains broke), because chances are the heroes will somehow trigger the eruption and cause your kingdom to crumble into dust (see LotR and my previous comments).

[Edema Rue she/her]

637. Yes, time travel is possible and has been used, as you can tell from the way we jumped from rule 636 to rule 305.

638. Never say never, my dear.

Edited December 5, 2023 by Ookla the Believer

[The Unknown Ajah he/him]

1 hour ago, Ookla the Believer said:

Never say never, my dear.

638. Unless you want something to happen, then say it never will. Whatever you want to happen will then be contractually obligated to happen.

[Ookla she/her]

On 12/4/2023 at 10:12 PM, Ookla the Believer said:

637. Yes, time travel is possible and has been used, as you can tell from the way we jumped from rule 636 to rule 305.

638. Never say never, my dear.

I have... absolutely no idea how that happened. I don't know what I had to read wrong to think we were in the 300s instead of the 600s. Perhaps I failed to get through all the pages?

[Quivil she/her]

8 hours ago, Ookla the Ookla said:

I have... absolutely no idea how that happened. I don't know what I had to read wrong to think we were in the 300s instead of the 600s. Perhaps I failed to get through all the pages?

Time travel! Clearly!

[Aeoryi she/her]

639. Time travel always destroys plot, no matter how much you try to repair it.

640. Eldritch deities require summoning rituals in advance

641. Eldritch deities may only be banished by a special artifact

642. Eldritch deities must display their power.

[Weaver of Lies he/him]

643. Never think you have the upper hand in battle.

[Aeoryi she/her]

644. For the sake of clarity, antagonists must explain their evil master plan to the protagonist before attempting to destroy them

 

[Just a Silvereye he/him]

645. If you build a defense that can resist an assault by X enemy soldiers, then the bad guy will show up with 2X soldiers at least. Or a new weapon that makes your defense useless.

[Just_a_Fan he/him]

645b: the opposite also applies to weapons.

646: new weapons are prone to jamming.

[Weaver of Lies he/him]

647. Antagonists can change, but always expect them to betray you.

648. Never follow your dreams.

[Just_a_Fan he/him]

648.5: follow your dreams. but not into a cave.

649: learn about memes. the DNA of the soul.

[The Bookwyrm he/him]

650: Even if you have access to instant communications devices, chances are you're probably going to forget about them at a point where they would have made the plot much easier.

[Just_a_Fan he/him]

651: deus ex machina type items are often rare and valuable. if they are not, you're in a harry potter media or something. 

652: if you're some well respected hero who's name is being tarnished by some evil twin or something, just start nuking your foes, and any nearby areas of high vice. at the least, you become the edgy anti-hero that the writers refuse to write off for the sake of fan service. 

Edited December 21, 2023 by Just_a_Fan

[Edema Rue she/her]

653. If you’re going to be hung as a witch, just don’t deny it! Confess to being a witch, then accuse half the town, and then chaos will ensue. But you won’t be hung!!

[Cash67 he/him]

2 hours ago, Edema Rue said:

653. If you’re going to be hung as a witch, just don’t deny it! Confess to being a witch, then accuse half the town, and then chaos will ensue. But you won’t be hung!!

653b. This plan works best with a willing accomplice who stirs up the crowd on your behalf

[Edema Rue she/her]

5 hours ago, Cash67 said:

653b. This plan works best with a willing accomplice who stirs up the crowd on your behalf

i.e. Abigail Williams and Susanna Walcott.

[The cheeseman Sola Scriptora]

On 12/22/2023 at 12:32 PM, Cash67 said:

653b. This plan works best with a willing accomplice who stirs up the crowd on your behalf

653c. Part b is disregarded if you are, in fact, a witch and are able to magically stir up the crowd on your own.

654. If magic is illegal, don't confess to using it just because you perceive it as honorable. It won't work out well.

[Weaver of Lies he/him]

655. Never go to a seer before you incur the wrath of some entity. 

Edited December 24, 2023 by Lightweaver2

[NerdyAarakocra They/Them]

A couple of rules for villains:

656. While it is required to obey rule 644 above all else, remember that smart villains always mislead the heroes when they villain-splain. Don't ever give the whole truth!

657. Whenever there's a huge ritual to summon a Legally Distinct Tentacle-Faced Eldritch Fish Horror (or any other creature of mass destruction), there's a 50% chance that whoever is leading the ritual will be consumed by the summoned creature just to underscore how powerful it is.

    657a. To avoid this, command the creature as soon as it gets summoned. Don't waste time laughing maniacally! If you do, your chances of survival decrease dramatically.

    657b. Avoid summoning creatures of mass destruction at all if you're not fully sure that you're the main villain.

658. "A stupid villain makes threats. A smart villain offers services." This is good advice. FOLLOW IT.

[Aeoryi she/her]

659. An ultimate secret weapon must be single-user only. If the weapon falls into the wrong hands, roll one d4 to see if it breaks.

660. Volcanos are always active. Just the smallest misstep could kill you, because dormant volcanos are lame.

661. One shall not mention the periodic table of the elements, because everyone knows the real elements are fire, air, water, and earth (substitute with light, shadow, or ice as needed). 

662. The person who brings a sword into the gunfight normally wins, due to chopping 600+km/h speed bullets by reflex

663. Balance must be kept between everything, until a plot-convenient point of the story.

664. Sailing too far west is a very, very, bad idea, as all maps show that there is the edge of the world there, and that'd be bad to fall off.

665. Summoning rituals must take more than 2 minutes, otherwise it wouldn't be cool enough.

666. Defeated does not always mean dead, and vice versa.

[Weaver of Lies he/him]

667. If the antagonist successfully completes a ritual and brings a demon over, no matter how powerful this demon is there is still hope.

[Just_a_Fan he/him]

668: don't [funk] with anything. both literally, nor figuratively. see 613.

669: check 4 hidden t3xt.

[Aeoryi she/her]

670. Make sure that if you outsmarted someone, you explain completely how it works and boast about it, otherwise no one will understand 

671. On a foggy day, it's every man for himself. Everyone knows on foggy days someone will get lost, so make sure you can survive if it's you.

672. If there's a mysterious door that you think has some secret power behind, it's probably a bad idea to open it. 

673. After your adventure, there is a chance you might encounter a sequel adventure. Just don't get your hopes up. It's normally even more dangerous and even less rewarding.

674. On a side note, most trilogies have the best book last and the worst book second.

675. There's always a hidden room in a temple. Don't even try to deny it.

676. There might even be a hidden room in your house, and you won't even know it until 10-30 years after you bought said house.

677. Visiting abandoned houses that used to belong to your relatives is a terrible idea. 

678. Do not try and outrun ancient evil. It is always faster. Same with most villains. 

679. Archers never run out of arrows, unless it's plot convenient. 

680. Mages, wizards, or other magic users never have a limit unless it's in a plot convenient moment.