The Official Thread of Relationships

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

I read your situation, skaa. From your perspective, it may seem like you're trying to do the right thing and she isn't responding, but here's what it may look like from her perspective. 

1. There's a girl who, through a quirk of genetics, is physically attractive. She's worked with this guy for about five years, and although she can tell he has a crush on her, he's never acted on it. She is not interested in him, so she has never flirted or given off any sort of "I'm interested in you, make a move" signals. By now, she's concluded that he isn't going to act on his feelings toward her, and so assumes that they've settled into a good working relationship. 
2. He asks her out. She says no. She expects that to be the end of it. 
3. It's not. He watches her, stalks her on social media, and she pretends not to notice. Sometimes, ignoring things makes them go away, so maybe if she ignores this unwanted attention, it will go away….
4. ….or maybe he'll just sit there ogling her legs. Great. She covers up and makes an exit as soon as she can. She wants to forget about it, but he sends her an apology over Facebook. What do you say to something like that? She, like any other girl in that situation, doesn't know, and so she says nothing. 
5. The apologies keep coming. It's starting to seem like this guy feels he's entitled to something, like he expects her to accept. But if she does, will he keep flirting with her? Ogling her? What sort of strings are attached to this apology? 
6. Oh Great Noodly One, it's a geometric figure with her face on it. Nope nope nope that is a big barrel of Nopefish. 
7. He keeps trying. Why does he keep trying? When will this stop? 

Again, reading the situation from your perspective, it's clear that you mean no ill toward her. But she doesn't know that. She can't see your thoughts or your intent. All she sees is your actions, and from an outsider's perspective, your actions come across as creepy. She's hoping this whole thing blows over, because she probably wants to forget the ogling incident and move on. Let her forget. Keeping your distance is the right thing to do here.

[ThirdGen]

5 hours ago, skaa said:

I have never had a girlfriend. Not for the lack of trying, though. Starting from high school, I've been rejected a total of nine times already. (I'm thirty years old now.) I have dated several times, but all of those led basically nowhere.

We chatted for a while, then I suddenly made a terrible mistake: I asked her out for coffee. 

I really should have accepted defeat and moved on, but I didn't.

For a while I played her game of not acknowledging each other's existence, but I desperately wanted her to not be mad at me any longer, so I attempted several things:

• I got a note in return asking me to please stop.

 

A few things I'd like to throw out there:  You've dated.  The number of times you've been rejected no longer matters.  Also, you're thirty, so high school definitely doesn't matter.  You've been many slightly different people over time since then.  There's no need to kick yourself for things you did thousands of days ago.

Another thing I wouldn't file under Mistakes - asking her out.  It happened in the moment, you had the confidence, it's all good.

Her saying no isn't a defeat.  Just a voluntary association that didn't happen.  It's not a competition.

Speaking as someone who did stalky things myself back in the day, I understand the urges.  The worry.  It took time and varied experiences to drift out of that mindset, but the most optimistic way I can put it is you don't need to get her apology.  There's just no association between the two of you.  Wanting to ask her out is not a connection.  Being friends or doing things together often voluntarily is an association.  Neither of you owes the other anything.

But in general, don't stare at legs and stuff.  Just with anyone.  People can see you, so it becomes an action you are performing against them.

"Playing her game" is not a real thing.  There's no game, there's no chase, there's no win state here.  You're just people.

You should not approach or engage her at the party.  You may be getting close to either "mace in the face" or "company disciplinary action" territory.  You don't need to "pretend" she's not there.  Just keep this in mind: Her presence isn't relevant.

[Elenion he/him]

@skaa

What has happened is your attempts to make up are setting her more and more on edge. The best thing you can do is to ignore her for a while (and I mean a while, like a few months). She'll notice that you've stopped, and when she's ready to make up she'll make the first move.

[Delightful]

28 minutes ago, Elenion said:

@skaa

What has happened is your attempts to make up are setting her more and more on edge. The best thing you can do is to ignore her for a while (and I mean a while, like a few months). She'll notice that you've stopped, and when she's ready to make up she'll make the first move.

 There's no relationship here to mend or 'make up'. She is disinterested and scared. Skaa is unwelcome. That's all. 

Hes freaked her out and she's not going to make up with him. She's going to stay away from him. Seriously, if I was her I'd start looking into restraining orders. 

[Left he/him]

44 minutes ago, Delightful said:

 There's no relationship here to mend or 'make up'. She is disinterested and scared. Skaa is unwelcome. That's all. 

Hes freaked her out and she's not going to make up with him. She's going to stay away from him. Seriously, if I was her I'd start looking into restraining orders. 

@Delightful that sounds exceedingly harsh to me. I totally get if that's partially just me misreading your intent, but it reads very critically and harshly. I thought Skaa sounded like he got what he's done was bad and is just trying to fix things now, inexpertly as his attempts might be. 

While your hypothetical response might be appropriate ( personally it feels just slightly over kill, but it could be entirely justified, I don't know enough), I guess it bothers me that you had to share it on here. It feels needlessly hurtful on a thread that's usually for supporting folks. 

I'm  sorry if I've come across as rude, I really tried to make this as polite as I could while still being clear. 

Maybe pm me so we don't hijack the thread? 

[Delightful]

9 minutes ago, ScottLeft said:

@Delightful that sounds exceedingly harsh to me. I totally get if that's partially just me misreading your intent, but it reads very critically and harshly. I thought Skaa sounded like he got what he's done was bad and is just trying to fix things now, inexpertly as his attempts might be. 

While your hypothetical response might be appropriate ( personally it feels just slightly over kill, but it could be entirely justified, I don't know enough), I guess it bothers me that you had to share it on here. It feels needlessly hurtful on a thread that's usually for supporting folks. 

I'm  sorry if I've come across as rude, I really tried to make this as polite as I could while still being clear. 

Maybe pm me so we don't hijack the thread? 

That particular response was aimed at Elenion, not skaa. 

And yes, I'm being harsh, because that girl's safety takes precedence over skaa's (or anyones) ""right"" to her attention, and it takes precedence over some hurt feelings. 

Edited July 21, 2016 by Delightful

[ThirdGen]

1 hour ago, Elenion said:

@skaa

and when she's ready to make up she'll make the first move.

I don't recommend anybody making suggestions along this line to skaa, because the worst part of the vicious circle of this behavior is expecting something more to happen, then being disappointed when it doesn't.  The healthy way out of this is to minimize expectations and stop feeling ownership over a situation that nobody owns.

[Left he/him]

48 minutes ago, Delightful said:

That particular response was aimed at Elenion, not skaa. 

And yes, I'm being harsh, because that girl's safety takes precedence over skaa's (or anyones) ""right"" to her attention, and it takes precedence over some hurt feelings. 

I do think I'm understanding this better... And I definitely agree with you. 

I guess I'm just left with, will your words positively affect her safety? (That's something I'm going to be thinking about for a while anyway and not primarily directed as a retort or rebuttle).  

[skaa he/him]

These are all very helpful guys, thanks. The girl's safety (both emotional and physical) is of course the important thing here, and I completely understand Delightful's concern for her fellow female. Rest assured, this girl in question can easily kick my butt if she wanted to (she knows boxing). Not that I ever plan on testing that...

I would have skipped tonight's party just to avoid any awkwardness, but unfortunately I already agreed to take part in some stupid game the HR thought up. Nonetheless I will stay as far away from her as possible.

Also, as of this morning (Philippine time), I have blocked her from Facebook. This is because even though I already unfriended her previously, I still see her comments on other people's posts, and I no longer want to see her any more than is absolutely necessary.

Edited July 22, 2016 by skaa

[Kaymyth she/her]

1 hour ago, skaa said:

These are all very helpful guys, thanks. The girl's safety (both emotional and physical) is of course the important thing here, and I completely understand Delightful's concern for her fellow female. Rest assured, this girl in question can easily kick my butt if she wanted to (she knows boxing). Not that I ever plan on testing that...

I would have skipped tonight's party just to avoid any awkwardness, but unfortunately I already agreed to take part in some stupid game the HR thought up. Nonetheless I will stay as far away from her as possible.

Also, as of this morning (Philippine time), I have blocked her from Facebook. This is because even though I already unfriended her previously, I still see her comments on other people's posts, and I no longer want to see her any more than is absolutely necessary.

I think that everyone else has mostly covered what I'm thinking.  You went haring off into weird obsessive territory, and tripped straight down into a sinkhole of perceived creepiness.

The one thing I want to emphasize here is, do not expect to repair the relationship.  I know that's not an easy thing to accept, but every gesture you made pushed her further off into "this guy is scaring me" territory.  There are some violations of trust that just can't be fixed.  I know it's harsh, but that's the way it is.  Learning to let go is the best possible thing you can do right now.

[Oversleep]

I recon there is no way you could avoid her physically? Change rooms so you would limit the exposure?

Destroying a crush is already hard without the other person being constantly nearby, I can tell you. And I don't see another way but to seal off that feeling and dump it in volcano. It will be hard, it will be painful, but there is no other way if you don't want to go insane. Also personal experience.

Edited July 22, 2016 by Oversleep

[skaa he/him]

31 minutes ago, Oversleep said:

I recon there is no way you could avoid her physically? Change rooms so you would limit the exposure?

Destroying a crush is already hard without the other person being constantly nearby, I can tell you. And I don't see another way but to seal off that feeling and dump it in volcano. It will be hard, it will be painful, but there is no other way if you don't want to go insane. Also personal experience.

That's why I plan to work from home whenever I can from now on. This might mean I'll need to get a decent broadband connection so that I'm not limited to mobile tethering, but I guess it's worth it.

[Aonar he/him]

Okay. So I have a situation.  [Warning. Before I get into this, this is a massive wall of text, the majority of which is likely irrelevant.. If you feel like reading an overly long rant about my current teenage relationship angst, (and a collection of strange footnotes) feel free to continue. If not, feel free to pretend this post doesn't exist, and go on your merry way. ]

 

There's a girl I like. I've known her for ~three years now, although I've only been interested relatively recently. Over the last ~half a year, we've hung out a lot; two months ago I finally got up the courage to admit my feelings. Turns out they were mutual; us hanging out a lot was not a coincidence on her part.*

Of course, that was horrible timing on my part.  Exams were coming up; we didn't have as much time to spend together as we would've liked, and what time we had tended to be a little muted, seeing how we were both a little tired and a little stressed. (Also doesn't help that we were both a little tense with the whole relationship thing; her for reasons that are going to be important later, me because I'm generally fearful of just about everything.)** 

Summer started, and things didn't really get better. We both got summer jobs; (not sure how that works in other places, but here here it tends to mean working basically full-time hours or more in irregular shift work ) our amount of available time dropped down to zero, and we were both more stressed and tired than before. We've been able to see each other all of twice since summer started; once was on a holiday; once last night for about an hour.

Here's where it gets to be a situation. I was dropping her off at her house; she's clearly got something on her mind; something she's been mulling over the whole night. (I was blissfully unaware at the time, of course; obvious in hindsight, though. See *.) She's suddenly really nervous, fiddles with the radio to turn it off (unsuccessfully) and proceeds to explain me a thing. This part of the story isn't really mine to tell; while there's nothing bad about it, it was something she was clearly very uncomfortable sharing (Although perhaps ironically, I had figured out large portions ahead of time.***), and even though the internet is anonymous 'n all, and you're all very nice people, it's not my right. Suffice it to say, she has some issues, and they're aggravated by stress, fatigue, and strong emotion.  

By this point, I could see where this was going. Summer job is stressful; compounded by fatigue from training (volleyball team does an over the summer workout regimen type thing****)... Trying to maintain a serious relationship is too hard right now.

"Can we just be friends right now?"

Well crap. "Of course. That's fine." Not really, but what else can I say? I care about her too much to say anything different.***** Even if her reason had only been "I don't want to go out with you anymore," that's her decision, and it's not my right to say anything else. 

So that leaves me in my current predicament. I'm going to give her the space she needs; that much is a given. Regardless of whether or not we're in a relationship, she's one of my closest friends, if the best way to help her is to distance myself, that's what I'll do. But how exactly does one toe the line between drifting apart and not giving enough space? I still want to be there for her, if she needs me, (and the implied potential resumption of relationship makes me hopeful, although I'm trying not to put too much stock in it) but if I'm causing her stress, intentional or not, well, I obviously don't want to be doing that.******

So... yeah. I don't have any clue what I'm doing, and am generally just trying to freak out as calmly as possible right now.  Does anyone think they can help?

 

 

See footnotes:  *******

 

*I'm really (see: extremely) bad at reading people; okay?  

**I have good excuses! (Or so I tell myself, anyways.) For one, I am likely a very high functioning autistic (a psychologist suspected so when I was eight; have not seen one since, so cannot be sure, although from what I have read, I fit the majority of the criteria), and as such, don't deal with emotions or physical contact well; both things I am aware relationships generally involve a lot of.  For two; my last attempt at a relationship (if you could call it that) went horribly, and it was at least partially my fault. So there's a bit of anxiety there.

***Not reading people here, just putting together facts and clues. One of the few things I'm good at, and surprisingly useless. Life is not a detective novel, unfortunately.  

****Well, girls team does anyway. They're way more hardcore about it than the guys team (which I'm on) is.

*****Yeah, I know it's stupid. We've been friends about a year, we've only gone out a handful of times, we're still teenagers; I don't have a right to care that much. Knowing that doesn't make things better, though.

******My first impulse this morning was to send a text trying to explain my feelings better than I did last night (I have a bad habit of repressing emotionally charge memories, so I really have no clue on the majority of what was said, but if my track record holds, I likely did a horrible job) then immediately realized this was a really, really bad idea.  I've been wavering between the applicability of variations of the idea all day. Thankfully (or maybe not, haven't decided yet) I haven't actually sent anything.

*******I've used way too many smilies. ******** But it's fine. It's all fine. No it isn't. : P

********And too many footnotes.

Edited July 22, 2016 by Aonar Faileas

[ParadoxicalZen he/him]

7 hours ago, Aonar Faileas said:

Okay. So I have a situation.  [Warning. Before I get into this, this is a massive wall of text, the majority of which is likely irrelevant.. If you feel like reading an overly long rant about my current teenage relationship angst, (and a collection of strange footnotes) feel free to continue. If not, feel free to pretend this post doesn't exist, and go on your merry way. ]

 

There's a girl I like. I've known her for ~three years now, although I've only been interested relatively recently. Over the last ~half a year, we've hung out a lot; two months ago I finally got up the courage to admit my feelings. Turns out they were mutual; us hanging out a lot was not a coincidence on her part.*

Of course, that was horrible timing on my part.  Exams were coming up; we didn't have as much time to spend together as we would've liked, and what time we had tended to be a little muted, seeing how we were both a little tired and a little stressed. (Also doesn't help that we were both a little tense with the whole relationship thing; her for reasons that are going to be important later, me because I'm generally fearful of just about everything.)** 

Summer started, and things didn't really get better. We both got summer jobs; (not sure how that works in other places, but here here it tends to mean working basically full-time hours or more in irregular shift work ) our amount of available time dropped down to zero, and we were both more stressed and tired than before. We've been able to see each other all of twice since summer started; once was on a holiday; once last night for about an hour.

Here's where it gets to be a situation. I was dropping her off at her house; she's clearly got something on her mind; something she's been mulling over the whole night. (I was blissfully unaware at the time, of course; obvious in hindsight, though. See *.) She's suddenly really nervous, fiddles with the radio to turn it off (unsuccessfully) and proceeds to explain me a thing. This part of the story isn't really mine to tell; while there's nothing bad about it, it was something she was clearly very uncomfortable sharing (Although perhaps ironically, I had figured out large portions ahead of time.***), and even though the internet is anonymous 'n all, and you're all very nice people, it's not my right. Suffice it to say, she has some issues, and they're aggravated by stress, fatigue, and strong emotion.  

By this point, I could see where this was going. Summer job is stressful; compounded by fatigue from training (volleyball team does an over the summer workout regimen type thing****)... Trying to maintain a serious relationship is too hard right now.

"Can we just be friends right now?"

Well crap. "Of course. That's fine." Not really, but what else can I say? I care about her too much to say anything different.***** Even if her reason had only been "I don't want to go out with you anymore," that's her decision, and it's not my right to say anything else. 

So that leaves me in my current predicament. I'm going to give her the space she needs; that much is a given. Regardless of whether or not we're in a relationship, she's one of my closest friends, if the best way to help her is to distance myself, that's what I'll do. But how exactly does one toe the line between drifting apart and not giving enough space? I still want to be there for her, if she needs me, (and the implied potential resumption of relationship makes me hopeful, although I'm trying not to put too much stock in it) but if I'm causing her stress, intentional or not, well, I obviously don't want to be doing that.******

So... yeah. I don't have any clue what I'm doing, and am generally just trying to freak out as calmly as possible right now.  Does anyone think they can help?

 

 

See footnotes:  *******

  Hide contents

*I'm really (see: extremely) bad at reading people; okay?  

**I have good excuses! (Or so I tell myself, anyways.) For one, I am likely a very high functioning autistic (a psychologist suspected so when I was eight; have not seen one since, so cannot be sure, although from what I have read, I fit the majority of the criteria), and as such, don't deal with emotions or physical contact well; both things I am aware relationships generally involve a lot of.  For two; my last attempt at a relationship (if you could call it that) went horribly, and it was at least partially my fault. So there's a bit of anxiety there.

***Not reading people here, just putting together facts and clues. One of the few things I'm good at, and surprisingly useless. Life is not a detective novel, unfortunately.  

****Well, girls team does anyway. They're way more hardcore about it than the guys team (which I'm on) is.

*****Yeah, I know it's stupid. We've been friends about a year, we've only gone out a handful of times, we're still teenagers; I don't have a right to care that much. Knowing that doesn't make things better, though.

******My first impulse this morning was to send a text trying to explain my feelings better than I did last night (I have a bad habit of repressing emotionally charge memories, so I really have no clue on the majority of what was said, but if my track record holds, I likely did a horrible job) then immediately realized this was a really, really bad idea.  I've been wavering between the applicability of variations of the idea all day. Thankfully (or maybe not, haven't decided yet) I haven't actually sent anything.

*******I've used way too many smilies. ******** But it's fine. It's all fine. No it isn't. : P

********And too many footnotes.

My advice? wait a while till you both have time and the energy for a proper conversation  (no texts, bad juju right there) whether that's a couple of days or weeks, so you both can pay the proper attention this scenario needs...that and writing down what you want to say can help a little if only to organise your thoughts.

And @skaa I'm with Delightful on this. I went through something similar and granted, I was a bit messed up at the time, but the main thing is to learn from this. Congrats for having the courage to ask her, but we all gotta learn to take a hint.

[Aonar he/him]

1 hour ago, ParadoxSpren said:

My advice? wait a while till you both have time and the energy for a proper conversation  (no texts, bad juju right there) whether that's a couple of days or weeks, so you both can pay the proper attention this scenario needs...that and writing down what you want to say can help a little if only to organise your thoughts.

And @skaa I'm with Delightful on this. I went through something similar and granted, I was a bit messed up at the time, but the main thing is to learn from this. Congrats for having the courage to ask her, but we all gotta learn to take a hint.

Storms. I was kind of hoping that when I woke up this morning, no would've responded to this, and I could just hide it and pretend it didn't happen. (Late-night ideas are bad ideas.)

But yeah. I imagine you're right. Waiting is the best course of action. Waiting kinda sucks, though.   

[Erunion he/him]

@Aonar Faileas
Listen to @ParadoxSpren - these convos need to happen in person.

@skaa
Coming here was a good idea. It's often hard to see other peoples perspectives and how they perceive situations. Listen to @Delightful - she seems to know what she's talking about. 
A couple of things: First, we know that you mean nothing but good here, that you have no intention of harming her or anything else. She doesn't. And she won't, not until you've clearly moved on. We live in a society where rape is a thing, where stalking is a thing, and where sexual harassment in the workplace is still, unfortunately, a thing. You've made the girl feel uncomfortable, and unsafe. At this point, there's only one thing you can do about it. Leave her  alone, and move on. 
Right now, working from home is a good idea, but it's not a long term idea. It's a short term solution - moving on is a long term solution. 

For future reference: 
Don't be afraid to ask someone out - that was both perfectly reasonable, and absolutely fine. Your actions after that were unacceptable, and extremely stalkerish. NEVER, I repeat NEVER, make a personalized gift for someone you're interested in with pictures on it if they are not in a relationship with you. It's an action that makes people extremely uncomfortable. 
And finally: no means no. Always respect the wishes of the other party in EVERY relationship (be it platonic or romantic or business!)

Now: Don't despair. This relationship isn't going to happen, so don't dwell on it. But you've got plenty of hope for other relationships, moving on and having a wonderful and fulfilling relationship in the future. 30 isn't old, and previous failures will not prevent you from future successes, provided that you learn from your mistakes!
I have a close family friend who was in an on-again off-again relationship for years with someone who was ABSOLUTELY wrong for him. We all knew it, and were deeply concerned for him. Eventually, he officially ended that relationship and moved on. By then he was in his mid thirties, and was likely expecting to be a career bachelor. 
Now, 6 or so years later he is married to an absolutely lovely woman, with one incredibly cute kid and another on the way. 

So: Do the right thing, don't obsess, and don't despair! There's hope for everyone

[skaa he/him]

Thanks again to everyone who gave me advice. Last week's party happened without much incident. I did not attempt to communicate with or approach the girl. I would have preferred sitting at a different table, but my closest office friends sat with her and they invited me over, so felt I had little choice. Thankfully we never had to interact with each other.

There was one time during the party when I was about to enter the men's room just as she exited the ladies' room. If I hadn't read your advice (particularly Delightful's) I would have been sorely tempted to talk to her then, particularly since she just stood there looking at me. But through your guidance, I realized that she must have been rooted to the spot due to fear of me, so I quickly went inside without a second thought.

Anyway, my telecommuting experiment starts tomorrow. I will also start looking for dating opportunities. Wish me luck!

 

Edit: @Cognizantastic, if I may contribute, I think two mutually attracted people do not necessarily have to start a relationship immediately. The two of you can happily remain "just friends" while you are not yet ready. Just tell her about your situation and see if she understands.

Are you by any chance trying to avoid relationships because of your academic goals?

Edited July 25, 2016 by skaa

[Delightful]

@skaa sounds like good improvement. Hope it all works out for you! 

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

I know this isn't a romantic relationship, but I need advice. 

I have a coworker. He is of the male persuasion and I get the impression he wants to flirt with me. But I don't like him like that and actually find his attempts to flirt kind of irritating. It doesn't help that he asks me the same questions repeatedly at different intervals, even though I give the same short responses each time. 

I don't know....I feel mean shutting him down, but I really don't want to seem like I'm flirting back. And to make things more complicated, there's a rule against personal non-work related conversations at the desk, and I don't want to get caught in one if a supervisor walks by. 

What can I do?

[Edgedancer he/him]

4 minutes ago, TwiLyghtSansSparkles said:

I know this isn't a romantic relationship, but I need advice. 

I have a coworker. He is of the male persuasion and I get the impression he wants to flirt with me. But I don't like him like that and actually find his attempts to flirt kind of irritating. It doesn't help that he asks me the same questions repeatedly at different intervals, even though I give the same short responses each time. 

I don't know....I feel mean shutting him down, but I really don't want to seem like I'm flirting back. And to make things more complicated, there's a rule against personal non-work related conversations at the desk, and I don't want to get caught in one if a supervisor walks by. 

What can I do?

I'd say that in the long run making your lack of interest clear is better for both of you than leaving the guy with hope.

[Orlion Blight he/him]

13 minutes ago, TwiLyghtSansSparkles said:

I know this isn't a romantic relationship, but I need advice. 

I have a coworker. He is of the male persuasion and I get the impression he wants to flirt with me. But I don't like him like that and actually find his attempts to flirt kind of irritating. It doesn't help that he asks me the same questions repeatedly at different intervals, even though I give the same short responses each time. 

I don't know....I feel mean shutting him down, but I really don't want to seem like I'm flirting back. And to make things more complicated, there's a rule against personal non-work related conversations at the desk, and I don't want to get caught in one if a supervisor walks by. 

What can I do?

Guys will always latch on to anything, so shut him down! Stay professional! Remember, you're building a new life, you got no room to pity this fool!

Things like "I'm working" "I don't see how that applies to the job at hand" etc, will resolve a lot of issues. Just be consistent.

If he becomes a creepazoid, notify the proper supervisor.

[Briar King]

Give the cold shoulder. May make ya come across like a B but your settling into a new routine. Get it settled 1st

 

or just mention your going to see your BF in LC over the weekend within ear shot of him and if he's normal he ll take the hint. Be creative 

hell I've had to use the fake GF line plenty of times for unwanted female attention. They ve all worked so far

Edited August 2, 2016 by Briar King

[Pestis the Spider she/her]

I have a similar problem as Twi, and I really don't know how to deal with it. I am terrible at all this social stuff. 

So I have this coworker. We're both from Poland, and we're pretty good friends at work, as we talk a lot (my job allows talking as long as job is being done in the same time). He's several years older (I'm not sure how much older exactly). Also both of us (as well as other 15 or so ppl from our work) live pretty close together, coincidentally. 

So one day me and this guy were walking to the exit gate, when he started to talk about some interesting stuff. So I decided that I can go with him (usually I take different route, but we live so close that is doesn't really matter), so we can keep talking. And it was all fine, until he almost walked me home. I was not fine with that, so I stopped him half-way, but back then I thought it was just because he wanted to keep talking (he's pretty talkative) and talking. 

But then the next time we worked together he actually waited for me to go out of the building (I had to change clothes, which took me a few minutes). So we walked home together home again. Half-way I decided to go do some groceries to the nearby supermarkt, and so I told him that he doesn't need to come with me (I was trying to tell him to go home, but I'm bad ant subtlety). He went to the shop with me, which stressed me out so much that I forgot half of my groceries. I told him that I don't want him watching me shopping, but he said he's not paying attention and that he doesn't care what I buy either way. Then I think he tried to walk me home again, but I stopped him again (trying hard to be subtle, so I don't offend him).

Then the next day he wrote to me on facebook inviting me for some fresh carrot juice (he knows I like it). I totally ignored that message. Since then I told him I won't walk home with him anymore (I found some almost reliable excuse), but often he still waits for me after work, even though he knows I won't walk with him. 

So here's my problem that I am even not sure that he is really trying to flirt with me or if he is just being friendly, and I am simply overeacting. If he is flirting with me, then how am I supposed to make him stop without offending him? I like him as a collegue, but that's it. And I am really, really not in a mood for any relationships right now, so I admit that I might be panicking a little without reason. I am really, really bad at dealing with people. 

But that's not all. There is this other guy that just started working with us, but he seems to be overly friendly with me. I saw him like 2-3 times, and he already behaves like he knew me for months, and that freaks me out. He once touched my shoulder in a friendly manner once (some ppl at my work do that sometimes, because I am too scared to tell them that I totally hate it, but they know me much, much longer, so I learned to deal with it). Also the 2nd time I saw him he said that he "missed my beautiful smile" (I'm basically smiling all the time at work for several reasons. It's not exactly honest, but most ppl don't know that.) 

I have no idea if he is so friendly only with me or also with other ppl. The only other person I see him spending lots of time is a Spanish girl, but I think they might know each other from outside the work. Also I don't know what they're talking about together, since they speak Spanish all the time. And I don't know what he does when I'm out of the room (and I am out of the room about half of the time). What is the possibility that he is trying to flirt with me? Or maybe that's just his personality? How do I deal with this? Any help, please?
 

[The Honor Spren she/her]

@Pestis the Spider I'm probably less than qualified to give advice. But it sounds like the first guy is interested, and the second guy is just the type of person that is friendly with everyone and gives compliments and such. But I don't actually have any experience with guys, so I wouldn't know.

[Orlion Blight he/him]

@The Honor Spren I would say your assessment is entirely accurate.

@Pestis the Spider For the first guy, dealing with him would be similar to dealing with Twi's problem: consistent rejection. In your case, letting him know that walking you home makes you uncomfortable would be the sort of thing to do. Be unapologetically honest (I.e. Don't use the form "I'm sorry, but..."). This will be key if he asks "but what about that one time..." you can say "the conversation was interesting." Or nothing. You don't owe him an explanation.

The second guy sounds fairly extroverted, so he might be simpler. Let him know you feel uncomfortable with being touched by people you barely know. He'll either apologize or say something corny like, "we should get to no each other, then!" A simple, direct "No" with no laugh would be a proper response in the second case. Or an "eww". 

In either case, if this continues to be a problem, let the appropriate supervisor know.