The Official Thread of Relationships

[Curious Anamaximder he/him]

I just found out I'm bisexual.

Yay for me, and you guys are the first to know, outside my one real life friend.

[Jo and the Bush all/any]

Congrats on the self discovery! How'd you figure it out?

[Curious Anamaximder he/him]

Congrats on the self discovery! How'd you figure it out?

One very long walk with a dog.

And about 6 months of soul searching.

[Delightful]

I need some advice. This is partly me thinking through the situation too.

 

The short version is, someone is making a sincere effort to be my friend, and I don't know if I want to reciprocate, and if I should anyway.

 

Basically, she's one of those people who I'm aware she exists and we've had a few nothing conversations a few years ago when she was the new girl around and I was being friendly. I bumped into her again recently, she invited me to hang out in that way you do when you bump into someone, that's only rarely an actual invitation. I also mentioned it was my birthday in a couple days, and she texted me then to say happy birthday. And she's asked me again to hang out, specific time etc. 

So.....

She's putting in a fair bit of effort to try befriend me.

I'm happy with the friends I have.

I like meeting new people and learning new perspectives on life.

I've also sort of met her and we didn't really click - no dislike but no amazing blossoming friendship either.

Also - this is likely me just being a privileged chull, but she has a very thick accent and she's hard to understand and it's awkward and I don't know how to deal with that.

 

So....do I owe her my time and emotional spoons? Should I be nice and give some to her anyway? What do I do about language awkwardness? Like she can say something three or four times and I still don't understand and I'm trying to be polite and then what?

 

I've also been in situations a couple times before where I've befriended someone to be nice because they seemed lonely, but we didn't have all that much in common/we grew apart, and I ended up putting in way way more into the relationship than I was getting from it and I ended up super burnt out and to this day there's someone I keep  hoping I don't bump into because I spent a lot of time trying to help her but we have not much in common and no real friendship and I would have literally nothing to say to her. I don't want to get burnt and emotionally exhausted again, I have limited emotional energy for close friends, but I also don't want to be a selfish horrible human being.

 

You're all very different, and you have very different perspectives. What do you think I could or should do?

[Curious Anamaximder he/him]

Thats tough. Maybe just say that you wouldn't like to be BFF's, but you would be willing to be sorta friends.

Also, you are not a privilieged chull. You are a wondeful person.

Edited June 9, 2016 by Curious Anamaximder

[Orlion Blight he/him]

You could also "tell the truth" and say you currently do not have time available to hang out. No matter how nice she is or how sincere her petitions, she is simply not entitled to your time.

[Orlion Blight he/him]

Some dating advice:

[Adamir he/him]

Me the last two times I tried to ask someone person out.

Internal monologue: All right, you've put this off long enough. Three slow dances have gone by tonight, the last one is starting in two minutes, and you've been too scared to ask her. If you put it off any further, you'll have to wait until the next end-of-term party. It's 3 AM, put it off any further and you might fall asleep. Maybe she won't be there, if she isn't there you won't embarrass myself, please don't be there... HorraAAAHHGH, she's still there. All right, conviction, you've got nothing to lose if you go for it, but you'll lose the opportunity if you don't. Go on, it's eight steps, five words, one question. Wait, how long have you been standing here? Is your stare creepy? No, she hasn't noticed. Thirty seconds left, everyone's finding their partners, now or-

Someone else already in a relationship: Hey, (her name)! Willing for a dance?

I'm not looking for advice on how to ask someone out. I want to know how you convince yourself to do so. I've got the standard phobia of losing the other person's friendship, alongside a fear of awkward situations, a fear of disappointing people, a fear of saying stupid things and a fear of regretting choices. How do you motivate yourself to walk a short distance towards someone, ask a question, get an answer, and walk away?

Edited June 19, 2016 by Adamir

[+Slowswift]

I'm actually just as anxious for an answer to that as you are.

[Delightful]

Motivational tip I like:

why are you allowing fear to make your decisions? Decide based on what you want to happen, not what you're scared could happen. 

 

Say no to living in fear! 

 

Seriously, just do it. The words take five seconds to say, it'll be over, you'll have an answer. You can't never do anything for fear of consequences, if and when consequences arise you'll deal with them. And as someone I know likes to say, most of what you worry about either can't happen or won't happen.  

[+Slowswift]

4 minutes ago, Delightful said:

Motivational tip I like:

why are you allowing fear to make your decisions? Decide based on what you want to happen, not what you're scared could happen. 

Say no to living in fear! 

Seriously, just do it. The words take five seconds to say, it'll be over, you'll have an answer. You can't never do anything for fear of consequences, if and when consequences arise you'll deal with them. And as someone I know likes to say, most of what you worry about either can't happen or won't happen.  

The problem is, I still never manage to convince myself.  Though, you did remind me of a favorite quote from We Bought A Zoo: 

Quote

You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.

 

[Mailliw73 he/him]

1 hour ago, Adamir said:

Me the last two times I tried to ask someone person out.

Internal monologue: All right, you've put this off long enough. Three slow dances have gone by tonight, the last one is starting in two minutes, and you've been too scared to ask her. If you put it off any further, you'll have to wait until the next end-of-term party. It's 3 AM, put it off any further and you might fall asleep. Maybe she won't be there, if she isn't there you won't embarrass myself, please don't be there... HorraAAAHHGH, she's still there. All right, conviction, you've got nothing to lose if you go for it, but you'll lose the opportunity if you don't. Go on, it's eight steps, five words, one question. Wait, how long have you been standing here? Is your stare creepy? No, she hasn't noticed. Thirty seconds left, everyone's finding their partners, now or-

Someone else already in a relationship: Hey, (her name)! Willing for a dance?

I'm not looking for advice on how to ask someone out. I want to know how you convince yourself to do so. I've got the standard phobia of losing the other person's friendship, alongside a fear of awkward situations, a fear of disappointing people, a fear of saying stupid things and a fear of regretting choices. How do you motivate yourself to walk a short distance towards someone, ask a question, get an answer, and walk away?

1 hour ago, Slowswift said:

I'm actually just as anxious for an answer to that as you are.

Same. Though recently, I've been thinking of this quote: "

“You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.” 

 

Edited June 19, 2016 by Mailliw73
XD Slowswift, you totally stole my quote. :P

[Master Elodin]

O.o Epic ninja.

[Stormgate he/him]

1 hour ago, Adamir said:

Me the last two times I tried to ask someone person out.

Internal monologue: All right, you've put this off long enough. Three slow dances have gone by tonight, the last one is starting in two minutes, and you've been too scared to ask her. If you put it off any further, you'll have to wait until the next end-of-term party. It's 3 AM, put it off any further and you might fall asleep. Maybe she won't be there, if she isn't there you won't embarrass myself, please don't be there... HorraAAAHHGH, she's still there. All right, conviction, you've got nothing to lose if you go for it, but you'll lose the opportunity if you don't. Go on, it's eight steps, five words, one question. Wait, how long have you been standing here? Is your stare creepy? No, she hasn't noticed. Thirty seconds left, everyone's finding their partners, now or-

Someone else already in a relationship: Hey, (her name)! Willing for a dance?

I'm not looking for advice on how to ask someone out. I want to know how you convince yourself to do so. I've got the standard phobia of losing the other person's friendship, alongside a fear of awkward situations, a fear of disappointing people, a fear of saying stupid things and a fear of regretting choices. How do you motivate yourself to walk a short distance towards someone, ask a question, get an answer, and walk away?

My general thought process is to be afraid for a few minutes, then just say, "Storm it. I'm just going to do it."

Bravery isn't not being afraid, it's being terrified, and ignoring it.

[Delightful]

Huh, I didn't like We Bought A Zoo. Great quote though. 

I I was thinking of Colossus

"4 or 5 moments it all it takes to make a hero"

[Mailliw73 he/him]

3 minutes ago, Delightful said:

Huh, I didn't like We Bought A Zoo. Great quote though. 

I I was thinking of Colossus

"4 or 5 moments it all it takes to make a hero"

Another good one.

[Delightful]

1 minute ago, Mailliw73 said:

Another good one.

Until you ruin the moment by shooting Francis.

[Jo and the Bush all/any]

4 hours ago, Adamir said:

I'm not looking for advice on how to ask someone out. I want to know how you convince yourself to do so. I've got the standard phobia of losing the other person's friendship, alongside a fear of awkward situations, a fear of disappointing people, a fear of saying stupid things and a fear of regretting choices. How do you motivate yourself to walk a short distance towards someone, ask a question, get an answer, and walk away?

 

4 hours ago, Slowswift said:

I'm actually just as anxious for an answer to that as you are.

It sounds counter-productive, but, the way I do it is by not caring. I just convince myself it doesn't matter, and then I ask because there's no negative outcomes if you don't care.

 

I need help. I think. I'm not really certain. I'm kind of hoping that just putting all this out there will clear this up for me. I've been purposely single for almost a year, for various reasons. However, for the past two months, I've been pretending to date one of my best friends, who I'll call Sarah. Sarah spent nearly two years dating a guy, and for various reasons, she dumped him, a bit over two months ago. However, he took the breakup super badly. He's been stalking her, trying to guilt her into dating him again, and all sorts of generally crappy stuff. She asked me to help her by pretending to be in a relationship with her, which I was fine with. So we faked a relationship for the past two months.

But, lately, it's gotten, real? Like, I've been pretending to date Sarah for two months now, but I've started seeing her in the same way I saw my old Girlfriend. And the she's changed how she's treating me as well. When we started faking our relationship, it was smooth, but we had to think at it. Now everything just seems to come naturally, and I can't tell if she actually likes me in that way, or is just continuing the charade. We no longer preface everything with, 'Hey, let's do this to look like a couple.' Now we just say 'Hey, want to go do this?'

So, I think the problem is that I can no longer tell if I like her as  friend, or if I want to actually be in a real relationship with her, and I can't tell how she really feels about me.

[Delightful]

@The Only Joe why don't you

ask her? It's a weird enough situation to begin with that I don't think it would be (any more) awkward. I think. 

Hows her stalker situation going? :l also kudos for helping her out. Her situation sounds downright terrifying. 

Edited June 19, 2016 by Delightful

[Mestiv he/him]

I agree with Delightful that you should talk to her. To me it looks like she might have the same "problem" as you have, because she doesn't remind you and herself that it's fake and seems natural. I think it's quite possible that the feeling is mutual. 

[Oversleep]

7 hours ago, Delightful said:

Motivational tip I like:

why are you allowing fear to make your decisions? Decide based on what you want to happen, not what you're scared could happen. 

 

Say no to living in fear! 

Nononono, the answer is to live in fear. You just need to scream at yourself in your head louder than that othe voice It's way easier to do things you're normally afraid of if you have a superomnicidal Nightblood monologuing in your head

@The Only Joe, if you have read Name of the Wind you probably understand. If not, here is a quote:

Quote

We understand how dangerous a mask can be. We all become what we pretend to be.

There is truth in the saying that a lie told a thousand times becomes truth. The way I see it, you are a couple already... but maybe neither of you have realised that yet

[Orlion Blight he/him]

The best way to overcome fear is by doing. Only then will uncertainty be gotten rid of. I mean, what's the worst that can happen? She'll say no and tear out your heart. And as you pass out from blood loss and trauma, the last words you'll hear will be a deep voice announcing: "Fatality. Flawless victory." 

 

[Delightful]

12 minutes ago, Orlion Determined said:

The best way to overcome fear is by doing. Only then will uncertainty be gotten rid of. I mean, what's the worst that can happen? She'll say no and tear out your heart. And as you pass out from blood loss and trauma, the last words you'll hear will be a deep voice announcing: "Fatality. Flawless victory." 

 

Yeah. I've found the best way to be brave is a) just do it and  remind yourself that you've done scary things before, you can deal with scary, you got out ok last time. 

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

Sushi Date Guy and I have another date set for this Friday.

[Jo and the Bush all/any]

9 hours ago, Delightful said:

@The Only Joe why don't you ask her? It's a weird enough situation to begin with that I don't think it would be (any more) awkward. I think. 
Hows her stalker situation going? :l also kudos for helping her out. Her situation sounds downright terrifying. 

I'm not sure i want to ask though. I liked not being in a relationship, and I liked how we were friends, but I like this as well? I don't know. I'll ask her.

And her ex is still trying. We all just graduated though, so he doesn't have an excuse to see her everyday, so it's gotten a lot easier to avoid him as long as we don't announce to everyone when we'll be out in public with friends.

5 hours ago, Oversleep said:

@The Only Joe, if you have read Name of the Wind you probably understand. If not, here is a quote:

There is truth in the saying that a lie told a thousand times becomes truth. The way I see it, you are a couple already... but maybe neither of you have realised that yet

I've always been fond of that quote because of it's truth, I just hadn't realized that this was a situation in which it applied.

Edited June 19, 2016 by The Only Joe
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