The Official Thread of Relationships

[ParadoxicalZen he/him]

Not entirely off topic, but does anyone find it hard to make friends/connect with people, even if you make an effort to try and do so? Cause I find it really hard to build friend relationships

[Left he/him]

1 hour ago, AnanasSpren said:

Not entirely off topic, but does anyone find it hard to make friends/connect with people, even if you make an effort to try and do so? Cause I find it really hard to build friend relationships

I used to struggle with it a lot. It's taken a lot of practice and getting mentally healthier and more mature, but I'm pretty comfortable now. 

[Erunion he/him]

Been almost a year since my ex and I broke up (for the right reasons, and with no anger, but I was still in love with her at the time so it hurt like a thousand bullet ants teamed up with Semirhage to wreck my life). 
Blocked notifications on Facebook/etc., but haven't removed completely because we were good friends, still get along very well (the one time we've seen each other since the breakup), and would like to be friends again when I'm 100% over her (I've let her know that I WON'T contact her until then, and she understood). 

She dated a guy briefly (who I was super against, because it was bad news) and ended it (thankfully, because it was bad news - he was mentally unstable and emotionally manipulative). The whole process (viewed second hand) emotionally ruined about three months of my life. Right now I think she's dating someone new (again, I see this stuff second hand on mutual friends facebooks/etc.) who was a mutual friend, and I think they're a great fit, if it's true that they are dating. So I'm kinda happy for them. But it leaves me with a few problems. 

I don't want to care about her relationship status any more, except as a distant friend. I obviously am more concerned about it than I should be. 
I STILL am not 100% over her. I know this, and it stings (like a memory of a date with Semirhage and a thousand bullet ants).

The past year I've been insanely busy with work/Uni, so I haven't had a chance to meet anyone else. And even if I do meet someone else, I'm not sure if it would be right for me to start dating someone while still carrying emotional baggage about my ex? I don't know. 

So yeah. Rant over. Any advice? Or just patience?
Either way, virtual hugs would be appreciated (although this is technically the wrong thread for that....)

[Delightful]

@Erunion I don't have advice for you, but patience and hugs I can do. 

*hugs*

*more hugs*

and here *extra compact hug for the road*

[Erunion he/him]

3 hours ago, Delightful said:

@Erunion I don't have advice for you, but patience and hugs I can do. 

*hugs*

*more hugs*

and here *extra compact hug for the road*

Appreciated  

plus, I came back to 17thShard after a 4 or so year Hiatus (during that depressing three months), so it's not all bad I guess! 

But yeah. /flop. 

[Kaymyth she/her]

53 minutes ago, Erunion said:

Appreciated  

plus, I came back to 17thShard after a 4 or so year Hiatus (during that depressing three months), so it's not all bad I guess! 

But yeah. /flop. 

...if you were one of my RL friends, I'd suggest a casual fling to try and get some of the built-up jumbled stuff out of your system.

But this is the Shard, and the majority of denizens tend more towards the conservative side when it comes to relationships, so this advice may be good for you, or it may be terrible for you.  I don't know you well enough to say which way it's likely to go.

[Erunion he/him]

30 minutes ago, Kaymyth said:

...if you were one of my RL friends, I'd suggest a casual fling to try and get some of the built-up jumbled stuff out of your system.

But this is the Shard, and the majority of denizens tend more towards the conservative side when it comes to relationships, so this advice may be good for you, or it may be terrible for you.  I don't know you well enough to say which way it's likely to go.

Appreciated - but yeah, I'm not a casual swing kind of guy  

partly conservative morally, partly personality (I'm into commitment and relationship, and don't like messing with people's emotions). 

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

I've been answering Crushing Coworker's questions as tersely as possible since I last posted here. His questions have gotten more... Well, he asked me if I had a good lunch today, and when I said yes, he asked "Are you full?" 

And when he said "Have a good evening" on his way out, I tried to ignore him, but when I looked up, he was waiting for me to answer. For clarification, we're both off at the same time today, so he delayed going home until I said "You too." Not for more than a few seconds, but this....bothers me for some reason? It's like he thinks I have to communicate with him the way he wants? Is that too presumptuous? 

Argh. Cue the hardcore ignoring. 

[Oversleep]

1 minute ago, TwiLyghtSansSparkles said:

And when he said "Have a good evening" on his way out, I tried to ignore him, but when I looked up, he was waiting for me to answer. For clarification, we're both off at the same time today, so he delayed going home until I said "You too." Not for more than a few seconds, but this....bothers me for some reason? It's like he thinks I have to communicate with him the way he wants? Is that too presumptuous?

I think a proper response would be to ignore him for a long enough so that he'd get uncomfortable, pretending to be focused on whatever you were doing and then raise your head as if you just remembered and respond "Yes, yes, good evening to you too" like this was a small detail you forgot to do. Waving your hand as in "that's unimportant I'm busy" could be added, although adding "and whatever" would probably be too forced.

I don't think anything could make this more of "casual politeness, I don't really care".

[Orlion Blight he/him]

3 hours ago, TwiLyghtSansSparkles said:

I've been answering Crushing Coworker's questions as tersely as possible since I last posted here. His questions have gotten more... Well, he asked me if I had a good lunch today, and when I said yes, he asked "Are you full?" 

And when he said "Have a good evening" on his way out, I tried to ignore him, but when I looked up, he was waiting for me to answer. For clarification, we're both off at the same time today, so he delayed going home until I said "You too." Not for more than a few seconds, but this....bothers me for some reason? It's like he thinks I have to communicate with him the way he wants? Is that too presumptuous? 

Argh. Cue the hardcore ignoring. 

Here's what you do. You go up to him, and hand him a five dollar bill. When he asks you what it's for, you respond, "it's to help you get a clue."

[Delightful]

"Are you full?"

...............................

wow. Just....wow. 

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

1 minute ago, Delightful said:

"Are you full?"

...............................

wow. Just....wow. 

Glad I'm not the only one who thinks that's a weird and mildly inappropriate question.  

[Delightful]

Just now, TwiLyghtSansSparkles said:

Glad I'm not the only one who thinks that's a weird and mildly inappropriate question.  

Please, tell me more about the contents of your stomach.  

[Erunion he/him]

6 hours ago, TwiLyghtSansSparkles said:

I've been answering Crushing Coworker's questions as tersely as possible since I last posted here. His questions have gotten more... Well, he asked me if I had a good lunch today, and when I said yes, he asked "Are you full?" 

And when he said "Have a good evening" on his way out, I tried to ignore him, but when I looked up, he was waiting for me to answer. For clarification, we're both off at the same time today, so he delayed going home until I said "You too." Not for more than a few seconds, but this....bothers me for some reason? It's like he thinks I have to communicate with him the way he wants? Is that too presumptuous? 

Argh. Cue the hardcore ignoring. 

On the 'are you full' - he's not asking for personal details, he's likely looking for an opening. Sounds like he wants to ask you out for coffee to me - likely he was hoping that you'd respond something like 'i could always fit another snack' or 'I could have another bite'. If you'd said one of those things, that would be his opening to ask you out. 
Probably. 
Armchair psychology is not what I'm trained for. 

Basically, he's giving you tons of opportunities to flirt with him - he's giving you a lead-in that can easily and quickly lead to flirting. He's fishing for your interest; seeing if you will bite. 
So he's not trying to be creepy. He's just hoping for a date. 

Which, since you're obviously not interested, leaves you two options. The hard way, or the slightly less hard way. (Unfortunately there's no easy way, not that I can think of).

Hard way: You go up to him and straight out say that you want to keep your relationship strictly professional. Say you're not interested in him romantically, and let that be the end of it. You could do it with a stern face/attitude (guaranteed success, but increased likelihood of strained relations in the future), or you could do it with a friendly smile (NOT GUARANTEED SUCCESS - he might still think he has a chance. But decreases likelihood of strained relations in the future). 

Slightly less hard way: You ignore him. You continue to ignore him, and let his overtures of flirting be like smashing his head against a brick wall of your NO. Hopefully he'll get the hint and move on. 


Advantages of Hard Way: 

- Situation ends. You've brought your cards to the table, you deal, and it's over. Odds are you won't have to deal with this anymore. 

- It's best for him emotionally. He knows he doesn't have a chance, he gets to move on and stop fixating on you. 

Disadvantages of Hard Way: 

- IT'S REALLY FLIPPING HARD. Like, seriously. I have actual training in interacting with people (including strangers), have experience with extremely difficult conversations, but being the introvert and peacemaker that I am I don't know if I could do it under the circumstances. I say that as a guy. 
- He could make a scene. This is especially risky if he has lower character, expects something of you, or is crazy. 

Advantages of Slightly Less Hard Way: 
- It's not as hard. You just ignore the guy. 

- Smaller chance of a scene. He's more likely to just go gripe about YOU with his friends over drinks or something. 

 

Disadvantages of Slightly Less Hard Way: 

- You leave him hanging. Which means this could go on for days, weeks or months, depending on how bad he is at getting hints. 

- Emphasis on YOU in the above section. If he has a large group of friends who you interact with this could poison relationships/future relationships, but that's only if he's vindictive and/or crazy. That's not too common among guys, but you see it. Especially on the internet. 


- DISCLAIMER: I'm a guy. I'm also tall, athletic and have spent over half my life training in martial arts. I have a very, very different perspective from most people. Which means that solutions that work for me may not work for you. Because you and I are different. And that's like 90% of the point of this thread, to get different perspectives on relationships. But not all solutions work for all people. 

My take: 

Take the hard way. Because it's probably also the right thing to do. 

In the short time I've been alive I have continually found this to be true. Ignoring your problems doesn't make them go away. Especially in relationships. Especially with people.

My last relationship lasted four years. It was also my first relationship. We never really fought, and we always got along. I thought it was because we were matureish, because we got along so well, and because I was a peacemaker at heart (I am, but that's another story). 
But there was a problem. A really big, flipping problem. Because I wanted peace and quiet, and hated confrontation so much (shocking for a fighter, but it's the truth. I hate confrontation. I love contests of strength or skill, I love intellectual arguments, but I can't stand emotional arguments; especially with people, doubly so if I care about them. It's a long story), I let things slide. I ignored problems. Thought they'd go away. Felt that they weren't even really problems, or that just by ignoring them I could pretend they weren't real, knowing things would work out.
Unsurprisingly, I was wrong. 

I learned a painful lesson. Sometimes, in fact many times, confrontation is the best solution. The right way.  In fact, some times it's the only way. 


So my two cents? Deal with him directly, honestly and without guile. It's the best way. 

For me. 
You're not me. So my advice (for me), might not work (for you). So take it as advice and use it to make your own decisions. 

 

Whatever you do, be careful, be wise, and know that you've got us on your side. 

[Orlion Blight he/him]

Honestly? The guy could also just not like silences. Without an overt proclamation, any confrontation based on the idea that he is seeking romance would fail, since he would have plausible deniability.

Confrontation is probably the best course, but over what he actually says. So, when he asks you another dousy like "are you full?" It might be best to respond with, "that's a weird question which makes me uncomfortable." When he stutters about how that wasn't his intention, you could respond with something like, "please, I just want to do my job."

[Delightful]

@Erunion I was also thinking he was looking for an opening to invite Twi out for coffee. 

Twi could also go with "I'm getting the impression you're trying to flirt with me please don't" which has more wiggle room than "look dude I'm not interested in a non-professional relationship". 

and.....maybe? If coworkers are around, making a scene wouldn't be such a terrible thing because then they'd be on board with the situation and might be able to convince Pushy Guy separately to back off? 

[ParadoxicalZen he/him]

Personally, I'm in agreement with the direct option as there are many ways you can word it to the same effect, and for most cases (in my view anyway), it is usually the most surefire way, but that relies of various factors..so debatable. I just find nipping something in the bud before it becomes uncomfortable or before something gets misconstrued the easiest option but my experience with these matters is very limited so just do what's right for you ^^

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

Thanks, guys. I do want to nip this in the bud, but I think @Orlion Determinedis right—without proof he's trying to ask me out, he'd have deniability and I'd make everything awkward, not to mention earn the wrong kind of reputation, depending on how he told the story to others in our department. The brick wall approach is definitely the long way, but I think it's the best one for this situation. If he does ask me out, I'll just politely decline and that should do the trick; but until then, I'll keep the confrontation to things that he actually says. In other words, when he asks another weird question, I'm calling him on it. 

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

Okay, sorry for the double post, but this is starting to freak me out a little. 

He asked me a question at the desk--an unimportant chit-chatty question that, coming on the heels of a string of patrons I had to deal with while he sat at the opposite end of the desk and pretended not to notice, I chose to ignore. 

So he asked it again. 

I ignored it then too. 

He stood up from his chair and moved closer to ask me the same question until I gave a terse "Yep."

I know it's a fairly minor thing, but it made me uncomfortable and I don't know what to do to make it stop. 

[Orlion Blight he/him]

Do you mind sharing what the question was? Depending on the content, that might be something to bring up with the supervisor.

In fact, if he continually asks questions that have nothing to do with the job, that's something to bring up with the supervisor since it interferes with your ability to do your job. Particularly in this entitled manner.

 

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

Just now, Orlion Determined said:

Do you mind sharing what the question was? Depending on the content, that might be something to bring up with the supervisor.

In fact, if he continually asks questions that have nothing to do with the job, that's something to bring up with the supervisor since it interferes with your ability to do your job. Particularly in this entitled manner.

 

I'd just hung up the phone with a patron who was having trouble downloading a book from a library ebook app. He asked if the patron was trying to download the app. I just said yes to make the question go away, because I didn't want to explain the whole situation. 

[Edgedancer he/him]

Twi, this might be the point to tell him that he's making you uncomfortable. No reason to even bring up the whole "I think you might be interested in me" part or anything. Just the part where him asking you the same question repeatedly and him getting into your personal space is making you uncomfortable

[Orlion Blight he/him]

Shoot, it was somewhat work related.

Two things: 1) Note time and dates when he does creepy stuff like get closer to ask questions. This will be necessary to demonstrate that he is creating an intimidating environment. If you all ready have the case, take it up with the supervisor. You shouldn't bring up anything about any perceived romantic intentions on his part without clear intent, just that you find his matter intimidating and distracting to your work.

2) Merely ignoring him doesn't seem to work since he believes he is entitled to a response. So a terse response followed by something like "I resolved it." To cut off further inquiry would be best. In the case of your example, "Yes, I resolved it." "How?" "Had them restart their device." "Heh, that's amusing" "disinterested grunt as you go do something else."

Honestly, as I get more information it's hard for me to get a read on this guy. Luckily, that's not necessary, since the issue is workplace intimidation, which does not depend on his intentions.

[Briar King]

You could always still use the fake bf route.

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

3 minutes ago, Briar King said:

You could always still use the fake bf route.

Problem is (aside from the lying angle) that this coworker is kind of….awkward. I'm not sure he knows where the line is, or how to read signals. So he might leave me alone after the fake boyfriend trick, or he might keep asking me questions about this fake boyfriend that I'd either have to ignore or make up answers to.