Having a Bad Day?: Get 'yer Hugs here!!

[Wittles he/him]

On 5/8/2023 at 1:27 PM, InfiniteInsanity said:

I can't just stop. Nothing I do will ever be able to stop. I can't stop being sad, or anxious, or nice, or worried, or scared. I can't just stop doing those things or being the way I am suddenly. I won't be able to say things without hurting someone. I can't always be in control or know everything. My body will never be perfect. I can't stop the numbness it just comes back. And letting people help hurts them but not letting them help hurts them too. I'm terrified of telling people things because they'll stress over it. Its better just to not say anything than to hurt people. Inevitably I'm going to hurt everyone I interact with. I can't help it. Because... I don't know. It's just what happens. And whenever I think I'm doing better and actually doing something right for once its not good enough. It's not the right thing apparently and then I get told over and over how disappointed and mad I made people.

I'm supposed to be the nice, happy person who knows what she's doing.

But I'm not. I'm not all that nice, I'm not happy, I have no idea what I'm doing. 

And I can't just give up or stop trying because then people will be disappointed and mad.

I'm trying I really really am. But it's never enough so what does it matter.

It's okay to not have an idea what you're doing. You may feel like a burden, but I assure that many people don't feel that way and want to help you out. We're here for you no matter what!  

[The Wandering Wizard he/him]

My cat hasn't been doing the best. He was puking a lot and so we took him to the vet and they gave him an injection and said to bring him back in if he started puking again, which he did yesterday. So we're going to take him back to the vet again but I'm worried about him

[Immortal Platypus]

3 hours ago, The Wandering Wizard said:

My cat hasn't been doing the best. He was puking a lot and so we took him to the vet and they gave him an injection and said to bring him back in if he started puking again, which he did yesterday. So we're going to take him back to the vet again but I'm worried about him

*hugs*

I hope he'll be okay!

[The Wandering Wizard he/him]

22 hours ago, Being of Cacophony said:

*hugs*

I hope he'll be okay!

Thanks Cacophony. He's still not doing very good but we're getting him back into the vet on Monday.

[Kasimir he/him]

Found out someone I knew from early uni days is dead now, and had done some pretty bad things. I don't know how to feel. 

[The Isochronism he/him]

I've been feeling pretty terrible lately, and I have no idea what to do. I feel so lonely, even though I have no right to feel that way because I'm surrounded by friends, and somehow it's easier to post that on the internet for a bunch of strangers to see, then it is to talk to the people I love most. 

[The Paradoxical Phenomenon he/him]

1 hour ago, Bondsmith-Edgedancer said:

I've been feeling pretty terrible lately, and I have no idea what to do. I feel so lonely, even though I have no right to feel that way because I'm surrounded by friends, and somehow it's easier to post that on the internet for a bunch of strangers to see, then it is to talk to the people I love most. 

I'm sorry. Is there anything I could do? *hugs*

[The Isochronism he/him]

31 minutes ago, TheAlpha929 said:

I'm sorry. Is there anything I could do? *hugs*

I don't think so, but thanks anyway. Sometimes it helps just to do a little ranting.

[Guest]

On 29/05/2023 at 7:04 AM, Bondsmith-Edgedancer said:

I've been feeling pretty terrible lately, and I have no idea what to do. I feel so lonely, even though I have no right to feel that way because I'm surrounded by friends, and somehow it's easier to post that on the internet for a bunch of strangers to see, then it is to talk to the people I love most. 

If I may, it is completely possible to be lonely while surrounded by the people you love. 

Alone and lonely are two very different things. 

Sometimes the people you love, won't understand somethings about you. Sometimes you won't feel comfortable enough to tell them you need help or that you're not feeling good. Telling them means being vulnerable and that is a very scary thing. 

Tim Kreider said, 

Quote

“If we want the rewards of being loved we have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known.”

But it is a mortifying ordeal. And the presence of anonymity while venting to "strangers on the internet" may be what makes it easier. 

That's okay too. What you are feeling is valid.

Remember if someone truly cares about you, they will not shy away from helping. That has not been the case for me as of yet, unfortunately. But I dearly hope it is for you. 

But again, you don't have to.

And...how do I say this...you don't need a reason to be feeling down. Sometimes you feel down for absolutely no reason and that's valid too. Bad days will occur. Its not about making sure there are no bad days, but making sure you keep going in spite of them. 

Remember, 

Quote

“It won’t be like that for me,” Kaladin said. “You told me it would get worse.” “It will,” Wit said, “but then it will get better. Then it will get worse again. Then better. This is life, and I will not lie by saying every day will be sunshine. But there will be sunshine again, and that is a very different thing to say. That is truth. I promise you, Kaladin: You will be warm again.”

I feel the same way you are feeling loads of times and a little TLC can go a long way. Maybe take some time out, listen to your favourite song, eat your favourite food, do a beloved activity. 

This are just suggestions, in the end. I hope you feel better soon. Sending lots of hugs <33

 

Edited May 30, 2023 by Cruciatus_heart

[+Slowswift]

On 5/28/2023 at 6:39 AM, Kasimir said:

Found out someone I knew from early uni days is dead now, and had done some pretty bad things. I don't know how to feel. 

I imagine that kind of thing takes a while to process, regardless of knowing how to feel. If you've got someone to talk it out with, that might help. Good luck!

[Kasimir he/him]

20 minutes ago, Slowswift said:

I imagine that kind of thing takes a while to process, regardless of knowing how to feel. If you've got someone to talk it out with, that might help. Good luck!

I guess that's why there's the mixed feeling. A sort of struggle to reconcile memories of friend groups with what has happened to everyone, a sort of 'how could that person do these things,' and a recognition that in life, people often don't show the most abusive, dark aspects of themselves to us, so of course we'd be blindsided.

Thanks though, I've been burning some ink trying to come to grips with it  

[The Isochronism he/him]

12 hours ago, Cruciatus_heart said:

If I may, it is completely possible to be lonely while surrounded by the people you love. 

Alone and lonely are two very different things. 

Sometimes the people you love, won't understand somethings about you. Sometimes you won't feel comfortable enough to tell them you need help or that you're not feeling good. Telling them means being vulnerable and that is a very scary thing. 

Tim Kreider said, 

But it is a mortifying ordeal. And the presence of anonymity while venting to "strangers on the internet" may be what makes it easier. 

That's okay too. What you are feeling is valid.

Remember if someone truly cares about you, they will not shy away from helping. That has not been the case me as of yet, unfortunately. But I dearly hope it is for you. 

But again, you don't have to.

And...how do I say this...you don't need a reason to be feeling down. Sometimes you feel down for absolutely no reason and that's valid too. Bad days will occur. Its not about making sure there are no bad days, but making sure you keep going in spite of them. 

Remember, 

I feel the same way you are feeling loads of times and a little TLC can go a long way. Maybe take some time out, listen to your favourite song, eat your favourite food, do a beloved activity. 

This are just suggestions, in the end. I hope you feel better soon. Sending lots of hugs <33

 

You're absolutely right. Honestly you deserve more reputation for that than the 1 I was able to give you. Everyone, get this woman some reputation. 

Thank you, so much.

Edited May 30, 2023 by Bondsmith-Edgedancer

[The Paradoxical Phenomenon he/him]

Can I be frank for a moment? It annoys me every time I see this topic's title. I don't know if the person who named it was attempting to act southern, but I get the feeling they were when I see "'yer". Why the heck is there an apostrophe right there?? Normally (at least how I was taught), an apostrophe is used to replace a letter, excepting when using it to mean that someone owns something, or in a name. "'Yer" should be "yer", because what comes before the "y" in "yer"? Also, if you're trying to act "southern", you ought to use "havin'" instead of "having". I don't know where the person comes from, but I'm guessing out west. 

And I don't really want to dis whoever came up with the thread, it's really useful and has been well loved. Good on you for that!

This has been another installment of: "Alpha Rants About Meaningless Things That Do Not Matter". Thanks for wasting your time reading that, everybody. I have some weird emotions pent up at the moment.

[kajsa ㅇㅅㅇ she/her]

9 minutes ago, TheAlpha929 said:

Can I be frank for a moment? It annoys me every time I see this topic's title. I don't know if the person who named it was attempting to act southern, but I get the feeling they were when I see "'yer". Why the heck is there an apostrophe right there?? Normally (at least how I was taught), an apostrophe is used to replace a letter, excepting when using it to mean that someone owns something, or in a name. "'Yer" should be "yer", because what comes before the "y" in "yer"? Also, if you're trying to act "southern", you ought to use "havin'" instead of "having". I don't know where the person comes from, but I'm guessing out west. 

And I don't really want to dis whoever came up with the thread, it's really useful and has been well loved. Good on you for that!

This has been another installment of: "Alpha Rants About Meaningless Things That Do Not Matter". Thanks for wasting your time reading that, everybody. I have some weird emotions pent up at the moment.

Hmm, I see your point but I like the title.  

also I get the weird emotions thing. my hormones are through the roof, so, while cleaning up dinner, my mom asked me to get a different Tupperware than I’d brought her, and I almost started sobbing right then and there lmao

[The Paradoxical Phenomenon he/him]

1 minute ago, Kajsa said:

Hmm, I see your point but I like the title.  

also I get the weird emotions thing. my hormones are through the roof, so, while cleaning up dinner, my mom asked me to get a different Tupperware than I’d brought her, and I almost started sobbing right then and there lmao

Don't get me wrong, I like the title too. I just don't like the spelling.

whoa, I'm sorry

it ain't hormones for me or nothing, I just don't use my good-for-nothing emotions. I have and acknowledge my feelings, I just don't act on 'em or nothing. Cuz if I did, everyone in my path would either hate me, or hate me. well… now that I kinda think about it, that does kinda seem like hormones.

Spoiler

wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow im kinda a mess sometimes lma(labama)ooooooooo

 

[Kasimir he/him]

18 hours ago, TheAlpha929 said:

I don't know if the person who named it was attempting to act southern

Worth noting West Country (UK) accents use 'yer' too.

Don't really recall why Venture named the thread this way, but the apostrophe is definitely an odd/spicy choice.

---

Separator for the actual thing I showed up in this thread for:

COVID shredded my immune system. Down again with an infection and more antibiotics than I've seen in the last five years of my life >>

And my writing project ain't working out. I picked something that was probably more ambitious but felt worth doing but now I'm just stuck because I don't have the technical skill to carry through and it's frustrating because I can sort of see how it should be done but can't make it work :/

[The Isochronism he/him]

On 5/31/2023 at 2:10 PM, Kasimir said:

COVID shredded my immune system. Down again with an infection and more antibiotics than I've seen in the last five years of my life >>

And my writing project ain't working out. I picked something that was probably more ambitious but felt worth doing but now I'm just stuck because I don't have the technical skill to carry through and it's frustrating because I can sort of see how it should be done but can't make it work :/

I'm so sorry.

I don't know how much this helps you, but I know exactly how you're feeling. (Not with COVID, somehow I've never had that.)

I've felt that frustration at my lack of skill so. many. times. In my head I have something perfect, but the second I try to bring it to reality it becomes something tarnished, and tainted by my own lack of skill. It's times like these that I ask myself "why can't it just be easy? Just once I want it to be easy." And then every time, without fail, a quiet voice enters into my head, asking me "Would it have any value at all if it was easy?" Call it the voice of God, or my own subconscious, or even my high school debate teacher, it's always there. So Now I'm going to ask you the same question. Would your project, whatever it is, have any value to you if it was easy? I still remember my first novella that I wrote probably 2 years ago. It was terrible, and every word added to the pressure in my head. It was so different on paper then it had been in my head, so imperfect, so terrifyingly real. I had one month to write it, and with 10 days left, after going through 5 or 6 drafts, I considered giving up. But you can't fix a book that doesn't exist. And so I brought that imperfect book into reality, and at this point I've finished 5 full length novels and 3 novellas. I've held a printed copy of my most recent story in my hand, and just stared at it and cried. Holding that book was like nothing else, even though I knew I still wasn't published, and the art was just done by my dad. (who to be fair is a famous professional artist, who travels all over to teach stuff and everything, but still.) More then that I knew my book wasn't perfect. But it didn't have to be perfect because it was so amazingly REAL. So my advice to you, don't write something perfect. Write something real. Let it be terrible, let it be imperfect, but please don't let it live only inside your imagination.

My high school debate teacher wrote an entire speech about "theoretical stuff" which I wish I could share with all of you guys, because it's been the single most influential set of words I've ever heard or read, and I'm a Brandon Sanderson nerd so that's saying a lot. In the speech he told a story of a the man who'd started amazon with his two friends. He owned 10% of the company, (if I remember right) but early on when the company hit a rough spot, he sold his share to his friends. That 10% of the company would now be valued at somewhere well over a billion dollars. And so that poor man is forced to live with a billion "theoretical" dollars, that he gets to own forever, always wondering how his life could be different if that money was real. But it never will be. 

Theoretical stuff seems perfect at first. It is perfect, in every way, except for one large downside.

It's not real.

If you want to live in a world where nobody ever hurts you, never allow yourself to become close to anyone. If you want to live in a world where you never fail, never take risks, and never learn what it's like to succeed. If you want your story to be perfect, never write it. But if that hypothetical world isn't the one you want to live in, then I invite you to keep writing anyway. Your project may have been ambitious, but that doesn't mean you can't make it real. Instead of living in the perfect hypothetical, live in reality. 

I hope this helps in some way, I know that rant was kind of long. Please, if you're ever doubting your skill, feel free to DM me and send me samples of your writing, or shoot me your writing questions, and I would love to be a cheerleader. I've never been a great writer, and I still have tons to learn, but I'm more than happy to help out a fellow struggling writer, if only by finding what's good about your writing and telling you how great it is to keep you motivated.   The truth is, no matter how good or famous you get, we all have days when we're struggling, and we all have a long way to go.

[Kasimir he/him]

7 hours ago, Bondsmith-Edgedancer said:

(Not with COVID, somehow I've never had that.)

Congrats!  Serious, it's good though, COVID be whack and tiring so I hope you get to stay COVID negative for as long as possible!

7 hours ago, Bondsmith-Edgedancer said:

Would your project, whatever it is, have any value to you if it was easy?

I'm sorry to say, yes?  I mean, I guess that I'm weird, but I've had easier writing projects before. I don't always value the easy ones as much as the hard ones but there are easy ones that I do value significantly as well. (I wouldn't, for instance, value something that was dashed off quickly to meet a deadline, but I've also had pieces of writing produced under those circumstances that I do value anyway because I think it captures something of worth.)

To be honest, I think that's where I'm coming back to, which is sort of the underlying question of why I want to write this. I feel like I'm struggling more because I can't really answer that question, along with the fact there's nothing I can articulate that's particularly compelling about the project. For normal projects, there's normally a theme or character or a scene that keeps me going. The fact I can't identify anything solidly that I want from this project is maybe a sign I need to pause and reflect more and then ask myself if I'm the guy who should be writing this, because there's no burning need to, and the story isn't living in me.

I feel like the value question is a really good one, to be honest. Because if I don't value it, maybe that's a sign there's something wrong in how I'm thinking of it anyway.

7 hours ago, Bondsmith-Edgedancer said:

I still remember my first novella that I wrote probably 2 years ago. It was terrible, and every word added to the pressure in my head. It was so different on paper then it had been in my head, so imperfect, so terrifyingly real. I had one month to write it, and with 10 days left, after going through 5 or 6 drafts, I considered giving up. But you can't fix a book that doesn't exist. And so I brought that imperfect book into reality, and at this point I've finished 5 full length novels and 3 novellas. I've held a printed copy of my most recent story in my hand, and just stared at it and cried. Holding that book was like nothing else, even though I knew I still wasn't published, and the art was just done by my dad

That's honestly pretty damn amazing and solid though, you really worked at it and pushed all of them out, congratulations! Even if it's not published published, that's gotta be an amazing experience for sure.

7 hours ago, Bondsmith-Edgedancer said:

I hope this helps in some way, I know that rant was kind of long. Please, if you're ever doubting your skill, feel free to DM me and send me samples of your writing, or shoot me your writing questions, and I would love to be a cheerleader. I've never been a great writer, and I still have tons to learn, but I'm more than happy to help out a fellow struggling writer, if only by finding what's good about your writing and telling you how great it is to keep you motivated.   The truth is, no matter how good or famous you get, we all have days when we're struggling, and we all have a long way to go.

Thanks, I really appreciate this and it's probably the kick to the rear I needed. Don't worry though, this isn't doubting my skill utterly  Just that I'm aware this particular project threshold takes a higher level of skill than I currently have. I don't really mind failing at it but I think a lot of my struggles are because I don't really know how to go about doing something at that level. It could be because I'm trying something very stylistically different from my usual work too, so there's an additional layer of frustration involved. 

[+Wax he/him]

I’ve made my peace with a lot of things.

My life has been amazing recently… new car, no major financial woes. Yet, family life has been average. Somehow, I’ve come to the realisation that the things will rarely get better. There will always be a lack of something. But, I am ok with it now.

[Weaver of Shadows he/him]

One of my good friends is moving, and she is one of the very few people I can talk to about Sanderson in person. I’m going to try to get her to join the shard before she leaves *crosses fingers*

[Guest]

I'm...not in a good place. 

I feel bad, physically and mentally. Like really bad.

I think part of the reason I'm feeling so bad is because I've realized i no longer like creative writing. And its because of my mother. 

I've been doing creative writing since I was in the fourth grade. For me, its always been a way to express and let loose my creativity. Something that makes me feel better, something that helps me process what I'm feeling. It was one of the things that made me, me. 

And sure you do something consistently for 6 years you're gonna get fairly decent at it. 

Over the past few months, my mother has been telling me every single day how she can't wait to read the books I publish, how I'm going to be the best author ever, how I'm going to make so much money from it and be rich and famous. (Keep in mind, I have actively expressed that my desires do not align with this, that i do not want to be an author, i want to live a simple life as a professor surrounded by books and tea for the rest of my life. I want to help young minds find the power of the written word, and i want my life to be composed of bookstores, music, libraries and research.) (I want simplicity. I want peace.)

If i was bored, she'd tell me to write. Random moments of the day she'd ask me why im not writing or how my writing is coming along. She'd brag to all her friends and all our extended family about how my writing is the best writing she's ever seen and I'm going to be rich and famous one day. 

Writing, drawing, any creative work- these are intensely personal things. 

And now...

Now everytime i open google docs, i feel this pressure behind my eyes and it feels like I'm choking up. Whatever creative muse, if it ever existed, has been strangled and buried six feet deep. 

And this hurts. It hurts so so bad. i feel like I'm actually grieving for this lost talent. 

I'm kinda angry on myself for being so...naive as to ever show her my work.

Sorry.

Edited June 15, 2023 by Cruciatus_heart

[kajsa ㅇㅅㅇ she/her]

43 minutes ago, Cruciatus_heart said:

I'm...not in a good place. 

I feel bad, physically and mentally. Like really bad.

I think part of the reason I'm feeling so bad is because I've realized i no longer like creative writing. And its because of my mother. 

I've been doing creative writing since I was in the fourth grade. For me, its always been a way to express and let loose my creativity. Something that makes me feel better, something that helps me process what I'm feeling. It was one of the things that made me, me. 

And sure you do something consistently for 6 years you're gonna get fairly decent at it. 

Over the past few months, my mother has been telling me every single day how she can't wait to read the books I publish, how I'm going to be the best author ever, how I'm going to make so much money from it and be rich and famous. (Keep in mind, I have actively expressed that my desires do not align with this, that i do not want to be an author, i want to live a simple life as a professor surrounded by books and tea for the rest of my life. I want to help young minds find the power of the written word, and i want my life to be composed of bookstores, music, libraries and research.) (I want simplicity. I want peace.)

If i was bored, she'd tell me to write. Random moments of the day she'd ask me why im not writing or how my writing is coming along. She'd brag to all her friends and all our extended family about how my writing is the best writing she's ever seen and I'm going to be rich and famous one day. 

Writing, drawing, any creative work- these are intensely personal things. 

And now...

Now everytime i open google docs, i feel this pressure behind my eyes and it feels like I'm choking up. Whatever creative muse, if it ever existed, has been strangled and buried six feet deep. 

And this hurts. It hurts so so bad. i feel like I'm actually grieving for this lost talent. 

I'm kinda angry on myself for being so...naive as to ever show her my work.

Sorry.

Don’t be sorry. *hugs*

Its so so sad that you have to go through this. The pain, the loss, it’s awful. And it’s even sadder to hear that your mom has torn you down trying to build you up. I’m really sorry that you have to go through all this, and it sucks. 

Gosh, I really wish I knew what else I could say to help. Just know that we’re here for you and that we care for you deeply.  <3

also, a tip for rediscovering the joy in creative writing (I myself have been writing for nearly my whole life, but I’ve been consistent with it for the past 8 or so years, and I’ve been struggling with it lately, so I like to use this) is something I like to call automatic writing. It’s a lot like automatic drawing, where you let your pencil follow wherever your hand wants to go. If you can, try to find time—even five minutes a day—to just write words. It helps me to write on paper, and even just a few sentences a day has helped me feel not so lost. 

I hope this helps. And if you ever want to talk about anything at all, my PMs will always be open.  Good luck, my friend. <333

[Morningtide she/her]

On 6/15/2023 at 9:30 AM, Cruciatus_heart said:

I'm...not in a good place. 

I feel bad, physically and mentally. Like really bad.

I think part of the reason I'm feeling so bad is because I've realized i no longer like creative writing. And its because of my mother. 

I've been doing creative writing since I was in the fourth grade. For me, its always been a way to express and let loose my creativity. Something that makes me feel better, something that helps me process what I'm feeling. It was one of the things that made me, me. 

And sure you do something consistently for 6 years you're gonna get fairly decent at it. 

Over the past few months, my mother has been telling me every single day how she can't wait to read the books I publish, how I'm going to be the best author ever, how I'm going to make so much money from it and be rich and famous. (Keep in mind, I have actively expressed that my desires do not align with this, that i do not want to be an author, i want to live a simple life as a professor surrounded by books and tea for the rest of my life. I want to help young minds find the power of the written word, and i want my life to be composed of bookstores, music, libraries and research.) (I want simplicity. I want peace.)

If i was bored, she'd tell me to write. Random moments of the day she'd ask me why im not writing or how my writing is coming along. She'd brag to all her friends and all our extended family about how my writing is the best writing she's ever seen and I'm going to be rich and famous one day. 

Writing, drawing, any creative work- these are intensely personal things. 

And now...

Now everytime i open google docs, i feel this pressure behind my eyes and it feels like I'm choking up. Whatever creative muse, if it ever existed, has been strangled and buried six feet deep. 

And this hurts. It hurts so so bad. i feel like I'm actually grieving for this lost talent. 

I'm kinda angry on myself for being so...naive as to ever show her my work.

Sorry.

I can't imagine how awful this must feel. Listen to Kasja because they're smarter than I am at helping people. Don't blame yourself for this though because it is absolutely not your fault. My only advice would be to take creative writing and put it in the box in your head labeled "just for me." When you write, write whatever you want, whenever you want, and try to remember that you're doing it to have fun and make yourself proud. If you have a writing block, please don't stress because I know that you are amazing and inspiration will come back. I've seen your writing and you are incredible. This just might take time. 

Sorry if that was unhelpful

[Wittles he/him]

The fact that I don't think "right" is a fact that is being driven deep into the core of my being and it causes so much pain.

I can't learn "right"

I can't organize "right"

I can't communicate "right"

Logically, I know this isn't true, that it can't be true. I know that there's no "right" way, and that it's okay that I do things differently

But I can't believe that when the most common thing I've internalized from every teacher and authority figure I've had is that I'm lazy and disrespectful and I'm not doing things the right way

I hate myself. I hate the fact that I'm just wrong. I feel like I shouldn't have problems because I'm supposed to be strong and I'm supposed to choose to be better. 

Gosh I hate it when my parents tell me "you choose your attitude" Or "You're the only one who controls how you feel"

If that was true, then am I just not supposed to feel sadness when someone I love dies? Am I supposed to not feel fear when I'm up until four a.m. listening to my parents fight? 

Even if that wasn't a problem, I'm sure as hell not supposed to show emotions. If I show anger, I get in trouble. If I share how I really feel to my parents, it's never their fault they make me feel like I'm not enough, it's mine. It's always my fault. 

All of my problems are, or at least feel like they are completely my fault, and I should just be doing better and working harder. I feel like everything I'm feeling is awful and I shouldn't feel it and I'm a bad person for having a decent life and still feeling like a waste of space.

I'm so tired of life. 

Anyway, I just needed to get some feelings out here. I'm not really having a great time right now

[Edema Rue she/her]

23 minutes ago, Wittles of Shinovar said:

The fact that I don't think "right" is a fact that is being driven deep into the core of my being and it causes so much pain.

I can't learn "right"

I can't organize "right"

I can't communicate "right"

Logically, I know this isn't true, that it can't be true. I know that there's no "right" way, and that it's okay that I do things differently

But I can't believe that when the most common thing I've internalized from every teacher and authority figure I've had is that I'm lazy and disrespectful and I'm not doing things the right way

I hate myself. I hate the fact that I'm just wrong. I feel like I shouldn't have problems because I'm supposed to be strong and I'm supposed to choose to be better. 

Gosh I hate it when my parents tell me "you choose your attitude" Or "You're the only one who controls how you feel"

If that was true, then am I just not supposed to feel sadness when someone I love dies? Am I supposed to not feel fear when I'm up until four a.m. listening to my parents fight? 

Even if that wasn't a problem, I'm sure as hell not supposed to show emotions. If I show anger, I get in trouble. If I share how I really feel to my parents, it's never their fault they make me feel like I'm not enough, it's mine. It's always my fault. 

All of my problems are, or at least feel like they are completely my fault, and I should just be doing better and working harder. I feel like everything I'm feeling is awful and I shouldn't feel it and I'm a bad person for having a decent life and still feeling like a waste of space.

I'm so tired of life. 

Anyway, I just needed to get some feelings out here. I'm not really having a great time right now

Ah, Wittles. So much of being a teenager is doing everything all wrong and being someone no one, least of all yourself, likes. And the worst thing about it is that it’s all so extreme, so high stakes. If you fail this class, you’ll fail school and never go to college or get a job and you’ll die alone and miserable. If you don’t make this friendship, you’ll never date, never get married, be lonely forever. And the worst of it all is that some of the things your mind tells you are just true enough that it all feels true. You really will never be enough. You really will have days where absolutely everything you do is wrong. Sometimes you would be completely justified in watching it all burn with glee. Sometimes you might have plenty of reasons to just let go.

But justified isn’t the same as right. The choice to keep living when there’s no logical reason to? It’s not justified. But it’s so, so right. The choice to keep trying, to take another step, to breathe another breath, to stand up and push through the endless darkness, even when there’s no light at the end of the tunnel? You have no reason to do that. And it will hurt a whole lot more than just being done. But it is a choice that will help you. It’s a choice you make daily, and every day that you choose life and love over hate and fear and exhaustion is a day worth living.

Don’t get me wrong, it hurts, Wittles. It hurts so storming bad. Life will bring you so much pain, but there is joy too, even if you can’t see it right now. And emotions…they are strange and powerful things, especially during this time of life. They are so often completely outside of our control; we are their slaves, more often than not, and being told to control them is like being told to jump off a cliff and expect to fly. A beautiful idea, but completely naive and impossible. 

You’re human. This pain is real. The fear is real. The reasons are all completely valid. But you are worth saving. You are worthy to live. Sometimes there is no right choice, even when everyone but you seems to be making it. I promise you, the pain does end. Even if it takes days, weeks, months, years and all you end up with is a tiny, momentary smile. There is joy in this life, and you will find it, even if it takes surviving all this.

Sorry, that was long and may not have helped at all. If so please just ignore it. Just always remember, you are loved, by us on the shard, those in your real life, and (whether you’re religious or not) your Savior.