The Official Thread of Relationships

[ParadoxicalZen he/him]

2 hours ago, Erunion said:

It's weird for me when I hear people say they don't want kids, as I LOVE children and absolutely do want kids. 

But I also get it conceptually - I know I don't want kids for a while because they are a huge commitment, an incredible responsibility AND they make many aspects of life more difficult, especially career aspirations/etc. Not impossible, but more difficult. (Plus, seeing as I'm single and likely to remain that way for a while.... it's not like there's a huge risk of having kids suddenly). 

And that's not mentioning the whole pregnancy and birth thing that you ladies go through if you want children (and don't want to adopt). 

So I can mentally understand not wanting kids, but then I look at my niece and my heart just absolutely melts.

I see my nephews...and I'm glad they are my siblings' problem...and not mine too much of the world to see to force myself into a niche compartmemnt

[Zathoth]

6 hours ago, TwiLyghtSansSparkles said:

One of the best pieces of relationship advice a pastor ever gave was, in reference to his wife, "She does not complete me. She complements me, and I complement her." He went on to say that if you're looking for someone to "complete" you, you're probably going to have a dysfunctional relationship. I don't think he ever used the word "codependency," but he described it well enough. Get to know yourself well enough to know what traits would complement yours, and you'll have an idea of what to look for in a partner. 

As for grandkids….I still haven't told my parents that I don't want kids, and I don't plan to. And—oh jeez, I just realized I'm probably going to see my grandmother this Christmas when I go back to visit, and she is definitely going to ask if there are any "young men" I'm interested in. I'll just tell her no, though I am tempted to just say, "Oh, yeah, there's this great guy named Wade. He has some pretty gnarly scars, but he's so cheerful and funny that you hardly notice. He's got a mean streak, though. You wouldn't want to make him angry. Or be named Francis. Anyway, we're going out for chimichangas soon. And, no, you probably don't want to meet him. I mean, really. His jokes are….not your style. At all."  

*Ringringring*

"Hello, this is Ryan Reynolds."
"Hi Ryan do you feel like making my family incredibly uncomfortable during christmas?"
".... I'm listening."

...out of everyone you know, who would be the worst person to bring home?...

 

About children, dont want them, dont want a relationship in the first place. I have books to read, songs to write, games to play, I dont like people enough to spend that much time, effort and money on them, its not worth it to me.

It would be fun to be the cool uncle though, but my sister doesn't want kids either, so I cant be a cool uncle.

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

8 hours ago, Mistrunner said:

Thanks for all the advice, everybody. The 17th Shard Support Group is truly a marvelous thing.

I'd also like to add in reference to the current discussion that people are also annoying if you do want kids. If I tell people I want to be a mom, they look at me like I'm throwing my life away. And occasionally tell me I'm throwing my life away. Raising the next generation is not a second-rate job.

 

7 hours ago, Erunion said:

It's weird for me when I hear people say they don't want kids, as I LOVE children and absolutely do want kids. 

But I also get it conceptually - I know I don't want kids for a while because they are a huge commitment, an incredible responsibility AND they make many aspects of life more difficult, especially career aspirations/etc. Not impossible, but more difficult. (Plus, seeing as I'm single and likely to remain that way for a while.... it's not like there's a huge risk of having kids suddenly). 

And that's not mentioning the whole pregnancy and birth thing that you ladies go through if you want children (and don't want to adopt). 

So I can mentally understand not wanting kids, but then I look at my niece and my heart just absolutely melts.

Those are pretty much my reasons for not wanting kids: They're cute, but raising them is not for the weak. I don't think I could handle that much responsibility. 

Besides, with how I simultaneously spoil Bruce and worry about his health, I fear that I'd be the sort of mom who sends her second grader to school with seven-grain crackers and herbed goat cheese, but just says "So?" when the teacher complains that said second grader is pointing a stick at her classmates and shouting Potterverse curses. 

….okay, that made it sound kind of awesome. Scratch that. Don't want kids. Might screw them up. Do not want. 

And the whole birth and pregnancy thing….kinda squicks me out. 

2 hours ago, Zathoth said:

*Ringringring*

"Hello, this is Ryan Reynolds."
"Hi Ryan do you feel like making my family incredibly uncomfortable during christmas?"
".... I'm listening."

...out of everyone you know, who would be the worst person to bring home?...

Even better, since I'm pretty sure Deadpool is playing Ryan Reynolds instead of Ryan Reynolds playing Deadpool.

8 hours ago, Mistrunner said:

There's no way to win and people will find a way to insult whatever choices you make, so the best you can do is give negative people grapefruits as presents and hope they squirt the juice in their eyes.

I move to make Mistrunner the official Shard Life Coach. Motion carried?  

[soyperson]

1 hour ago, TwiLyghtSansSparkles said:

I move to make Mistrunner the official Shard Life Coach. Motion carried?  

Aye

[Darkness Ascendant he/him]

Things move far to quickly here.

Who am I?

No that's not a riddle.

I mean. What can I be?

[ParadoxicalZen he/him]

What are people's thoughts on who should make the first move? (Hypothetically speaking for those with a little or a lot of social awkwardness)

Edited October 12, 2016 by AnanasSpren

[Darkness Ascendant he/him]

19 minutes ago, AnanasSpren said:

What are people's thoughts on who should make the first move? (Hypothetically speaking for those with a little or a lot of social awkwardness)

in relation to what. It's late and I'm gonna go eat supper, so I can't be bothered re-reading

[Orlion Blight he/him]

2 hours ago, AnanasSpren said:

What are people's thoughts on who should make the first move? (Hypothetically speaking for those with a little or a lot of social awkwardness)

The answer: an unhelpful "you should."

[ParadoxicalZen he/him]

In general; whether it be showing interest in taking it further, asking someone out etc. Do/would females prefer males/other females to make the move and vice versa, what classes as making the first move or showing somone you're interested versus just being friendly (hard question to answer but I'm in a situation on an escalating schedule so I was just curious

[Orlion Blight he/him]

49 minutes ago, AnanasSpren said:

In general; whether it be showing interest in taking it further, asking someone out etc. Do/would females prefer males/other females to make the move and vice versa, what classes as making the first move or showing somone you're interested versus just being friendly (hard question to answer but I'm in a situation on an escalating schedule so I was just curious

I'll still say "You should". Gender does not factor into it, it's just whoever is able to overcome the social awkwardness long enough to make the first move. Since you won't know that, it's better to take fate into your own hands.

A simple "out to dinner/coffee" should be sufficient to show heightened interest. 

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

9 minutes ago, Orlion Determined said:

I'll still say "You should". Gender does not factor into it, it's just whoever is able to overcome the social awkwardness long enough to make the first move. Since you won't know that, it's better to take fate into your own hands.

A simple "out to dinner/coffee" should be sufficient to show heightened interest. 

Spoiler

 

 

[ParadoxicalZen he/him]

43 minutes ago, Orlion Determined said:

I'll still say "You should". Gender does not factor into it, it's just whoever is able to overcome the social awkwardness long enough to make the first move. Since you won't know that, it's better to take fate into your own hands.

A simple "out to dinner/coffee" should be sufficient to show heightened interest. 

Aye, I ask purely because of reading an article about the gender question

[Kaymyth she/her]

2 hours ago, AnanasSpren said:

Aye, I ask purely because of reading an article about the gender question

There is, of course, a school of thought that thinks women should let the menfolk do the asking.

I rather think that's a load of sexist hooey.  If you're interested in a person, express that interest!  Guys can be shy, too!

[soyperson]

22 minutes ago, Kaymyth said:

There is, of course, a school of thought that thinks women should let the menfolk do the asking.

I rather think that's a load of sexist hooey.  If you're interested in a person, express that interest!  Guys can be shy, too!

It's true, we can.

[Delightful]

4 hours ago, AnanasSpren said:

In general; whether it be showing interest in taking it further, asking someone out etc. Do/would females prefer males/other females to make the move and vice versa, what classes as making the first move or showing somone you're interested versus just being friendly (hard question to answer but I'm in a situation on an escalating schedule so I was just curious

 

23 minutes ago, Kaymyth said:

There is, of course, a school of thought that thinks women should let the menfolk do the asking.

I rather think that's a load of sexist hooey.  If you're interested in a person, express that interest!  Guys can be shy, too!

I don't think expressing interest should be gendered. Maybe once upon a time it was romantic but......just who could be bothered? If you like someone let them know. Maybe they're too awkward to tell you they like you too. And if they're not other interested at least you know rather than waiting forever for them to speak up when they're not going to.  

[+Slowswift he/him]

3 hours ago, Kaymyth said:

There is, of course, a school of thought that thinks women should let the menfolk do the asking.

I rather think that's a load of sexist hooey.  If you're interested in a person, express that interest!  Guys can be shy, too!

Thank you

I remember one time in Government class, the teacher had everyone vote on whether or not it should be mandatory for the guys to pay for a date, and every single girl in the class raised their hand for yes. And I just sat there like, What? Why?? What if, for whatever reason, I'm unable to pay? I shouldn't be prohibited from spending time with someone because I don't have a lot of (or any) disposable income. And who says you need to cough up a wad of cash to have a good time in the first place?! Go to the park! Go on a hike! Heck, just sitting around talking is a perfectly fine date idea! 

[/rant]

Edited October 12, 2016 by Slowswift

[little wilson she/her]

The person who asks should be the one paying, unless going dutch has been agreed upon. The asker is usually the one who plans the date, so they're able to plan something that matches their budget. And if that's just a hike or a picnic in a park, that's perfectly fine. The cliche dinner and a movie is both (usually) expensive and a really lame first date idea.

[+Slowswift he/him]

1 minute ago, little wilson said:

The person who asks should be the one paying, unless going dutch has been agreed upon. The asker is usually the one who plans the date, so they're able to plan something that matches their budget. And if that's just a hike or a picnic in a park, that's perfectly fine. The cliche dinner and a movie is both (usually) expensive and a really lame first date idea.

I guess that works. But now we're back at who gets to do the asking. 

[Delightful]

39 minutes ago, little wilson said:

The person who asks should be the one paying, unless going dutch has been agreed upon. The asker is usually the one who plans the date, so they're able to plan something that matches their budget. And if that's just a hike or a picnic in a park, that's perfectly fine. The cliche dinner and a movie is both (usually) expensive and a really lame first date idea.

Going Dutch?

[PantsForSquares he/him]

2 minutes ago, Delightful said:

Going Dutch?

Splitting costs 50/50, I believe. Or by item, I'm not sure. It's some sort of cost-splitting lingo.

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

5 minutes ago, Delightful said:

Going Dutch?

 

2 minutes ago, PantsForSquares said:

Splitting costs 50/50, I believe. Or by item, I'm not sure. It's some sort of cost-splitting lingo.

As I've always heard it used, it means each perso pays for what they order. So if one person wants to order prime rib with lobster tail, the other person isn't required to chip in when they only ordered a small chicken dish. 

[little wilson she/her]

Twi's right. At least in the way that I meant it. You pay for yourself.

[Arrae]

Going Dutch sounds fair. Everybody pays for what they order, you don't have to worry about the other person ordering more than you can comfortably pay for, or feeling obligated to return the favor of having your entire meal paid for you.

[Erunion he/him]

I'm gonna put this here very simply: everyone wants the other person to make the first move, because making the first move is terrifying.  

There is literally no reason for this to be gendered. 

In the past, societies 'ideal woman' of dating age was a quiet, pretty, unassuming ornament. A woman who made the first move would have been seen as an overbold 'hussy', or merely as an unattractive and undesirable mate.

That was stupid, and I'm so glad that feminism has killed/is killing those stereotypes.

 

As far as paying goes: my ex and I would always try to pay for each other. We'd almost make a game of it; often one of us would intentionally sneak over and pay while the other was in the bathroom/etc. 

If we were doing a date (movie, skating/etc) and a dinner, the one who planned it would pay for the date, the other for the dinner. 

That's a healthy way to do it. There are other ways - if one of you has a healthy full time job and the other is a starving student? Maybe a different balance. 

But yeah, there's absolutely no good reason that paying for a date should be gendered. Why would it be? 

In the past, it was gendered because men were expected to work, while women weren't. As women entered the workforce, they'd often just work to provide for themselves until the got married, whereas women would go for higher paying careers. The concept of the man being the financial provider was deeply engrained in society. Thus, in the past, it made sense for men to pay for dates. 

 

Now? There's no reason for it to be gendered. 

[Darkness Ascendant he/him]

Hewo, I'm a shy dandewion dat happen to bwe on fier.

Did you also know this is the Official Thread of Relationships thread?