The Battle for the Sandwich

[The Stick]

You were stabbed in the chest with Nightblood several hundred times. You were not faking.

[Immortal Platypus]

I'm very good at pretending. Also, your Nightblood was a cheap replica, and I don't know how you didn't know that because I was wearing the real Nightblood on my belt.

[The Stick]

While you were pretending, my hundreds of Larkins ate your Investiture so Nightblood killed you.

[Immortal Platypus]

I'm not Invested so your Larkins did nothing. Also, it was sheathed. But that's besides the point. I am called an Immortal Platypus for a reason. If a cheap imitation of Nightblood could kill me, that would be pathetic. You can tell it was a cheap imitation because you aren't dead to it even though your hundreds of Larkins would have eaten your Investiture. I am also now too far away to continue this conversation and I have the sandwich. 

[The Stick]

I stand in my fortress and press the big red button. Immediately, 500 intercontinental ballistic homing trellium missiles are fired at your position. They then make impact, vaporizing you.

[Immortal Platypus]

There was nothing for the Trellium to react to and so I'm just hit by tiny, mosquito sized missiles that don't explode. It hurts, but I take in Stormlight and heal, then proceed with what I was doing.

[The Stick]

You claimed you were not Invested. Regardless, there was secret harmonium in the missiles.

[Immortal Platypus]

I wasn't Invested. You'll note I said that I took in Stormlight. But the Trellium didn't hit the harmonium like it was supposed to.

[Szeth Pancakes he/they]

“Don’t you need Investiture in order to take in Stormlight?” asked Szeth, covertly reaching into both Stick and Cacophony’s pockets and taking each quantum iteration of the sandwich (which wouldn’t resolve until the two’s debate ended).

(Edit: yes I’m aware this isn’t how quantum mechanics works)

Edited May 21, 2023 by Szeth_Pancakes

[The Stick]

Sadly for you, I use my quantum physics engine to fix reality to where I have the sandwich and then open a perpendicularity. I use my Elsecaller abilities to Soulcast you and everything within a fifty mile radius of me to fire.

Edited May 21, 2023 by The Stick
Had to bold.

[Immortal Platypus]

2 hours ago, Szeth_Pancakes said:

“Don’t you need Investiture in order to take in Stormlight?” asked Szeth, covertly reaching into both Stick and Cacophony’s pockets and taking each quantum iteration of the sandwich (which wouldn’t resolve until the two’s debate ended).

(Edit: yes I’m aware this isn’t how quantum mechanics works)

"No, the Stormlight is Investiture, so when you take it in you are Invested, but before that you aren't. Plus I found a way to not need a spren or an Honorblade."

25 minutes ago, The Stick said:

Sadly for you, I use my quantum physics engine to fix reality to where I have the sandwich and then open a perpendicularity. I use my Elsecaller abilities to Soulcast you and everything within a fifty mile radius of me to fire.

I question how you have the capability to open a perpendicularity as an Elsecaller. I use my Elsecalling to hop into the Cognitive realm and take the sandwich bead from you. You watch as the sandwich floats away then disappears into the CR. (Yes, I'm aware that that wouldn't work in the books, but I have a work-around.)

[Szeth Pancakes he/they]

34 minutes ago, Being of Cacophony said:

“Plus I found a way to not need a spren or an Honorblade."

“Ah. That’s questionable, but I’ll allow it.” Szeth takes his Narrator powers from his TLT self and uses them to take the sandwich from you, then twists the plot so that this post is the resolution of the thread. Now that Szeth had the sandwich, everyone lived happily ever after.

The End

[Immortal Platypus]

4 minutes ago, Szeth_Pancakes said:

“Ah. That’s questionable, but I’ll allow it.” Szeth takes his Narrator powers from his TLT self and uses them to take the sandwich from you, then twists the plot so that this post is the resolution of the thread. Now that Szeth had the sandwich, everyone lived happily ever after.

The End

A voice boomed from the skies, "YOU CANNOT MAKE A RESOLUTION TO THIS THREAD! THAT BREAKS THE RULES!" The sandwich is forcefully ejected from his hands back to mine.

Un-The End

It's really not that questionable, due to: (slight spoiler, cross-over character that is in Warbreaker and SA)

Spoiler

Vasher.

 

[The Isochronism he/him]

I extract 5.17543% of the sandwich with tweezers. If all the tools I could have used, tweezers are by far the scariest. I pocket the sandwich portion, but keep my tweezers at the ready.

Edited May 21, 2023 by Bondsmith-Edgedancer

[Szeth Pancakes he/they]

3 hours ago, Being of Cacophony said:

It's really not that questionable, due to: (slight spoiler, cross-over character that is in Warbreaker and SA)

  Hide contents

Vasher.

 

I mean, given that he does have extra Investiture, it doesn’t contradict my argument.

“Ew, tweezers,” says Szeth.

[The Stick]

Sadly for you all, I am bonded to an inkspren and Bondsmith spren. The sandwich you had all along was a decoy and the real one is currently in [REDACTED].

[Immortal Platypus]

8 hours ago, Szeth_Pancakes said:

I mean, given that he does have extra Investiture, it doesn’t contradict my argument.

“Ew, tweezers,” says Szeth.

i didn't think about that, you might be right.

3 hours ago, The Stick said:

Sadly for you all, I am bonded to an inkspren and Bondsmith spren. The sandwich you had all along was a decoy and the real one is currently in [REDACTED].

Which one? Also, no you don't, I took it. My taking it wasn't based off you not having multiple spren.

10 hours ago, Bondsmith-Edgedancer said:

I extract 5.17543% of the sandwich with tweezers. If all the tools I could have used, tweezers are by far the scariest. I pocket the sandwich portion, but keep my tweezers at the ready.

As you have taken part of the sandwich, that breaks rule number 2, the sandwich cannot be duplicated. Your 5.17543% rejoins the rest of the sandwich in my pocket.

[The Isochronism he/him]

3 minutes ago, Being of Cacophony said:

As you have taken part of the sandwich, that breaks rule number 2, the sandwich cannot be duplicated. Your 5.17543% rejoins the rest of the sandwich in my pocket.

Hold up, I already thought about that, this isn't duplication, just division. Still probably illegal, because it does feel kind of illegal, but we could get into some very interesting definition battles here.  For example, if I take one thing off the sandwich (say lettuce) and leave the others, it is still (for all intents and purposes) still a complete sandwich. I'm curious where you draw the line. 

As much as I love debating definitions, you're probably correct here, so I'm asking purley to know your opinion on the deep philosophical questions above, not to start a debate about legality.  

I grab another pair of tweezers, and use them to stab all the nearby spren. 

[The Stick]

Sadly for all of you poor peasants, while you debated on the legality of taking parts of the sandwich. I leave you a decoy and go to the Nightwatcher. I am given the boon of the Sandwich remaining mine unless stolen on the tenth of [REDACTED], on the day of [REDACTED] on the planet of [REDACTED] at 12:45 P.M in the city of F___________ if and only if the attacker wields Nightblood and is wearing [REDACTED] and using ChayShan while Ascending to a Shard and dancing with the [REDACTED] in hand. I am given the bane of being unable to eat cereal on Tuesdays.

[Immortal Platypus]

9 minutes ago, Bondsmith-Edgedancer said:

Hold up, I already thought about that, this isn't duplication, just division. Still probably illegal, because it does feel kind of illegal, but we could get into some very interesting definition battles here.  For example, if I take one thing off the sandwich (say lettuce) and leave the others, it is still (for all intents and purposes) still a complete sandwich. I'm curious where you draw the line. 

As much as I love debating definitions, you're probably correct here, so I'm asking purley to know your opinion on the deep philosophical questions above, not to start a debate about legality.  

I grab another pair of tweezers, and use them to stab all the nearby spren. 

yeah, I was inferring from the rules. it technically doesn't break them and division isn't technically duplication, but I think it falls under the same category. Also, your example doesn't really work here due to the fact that the sandwich is whatever type you want so it can have lettuce or not depending on who is holding it.

4 minutes ago, The Stick said:

Sadly for all of you poor peasants, while you debated on the legality of taking parts of the sandwich. I leave you a decoy and go to the Nightwatcher. I am given the boon of the Sandwich remaining mine unless stolen on the tenth of [REDACTED], on the day of [REDACTED] on the planet of [REDACTED] at 12:45 P.M in the city of F___________ if and only if the attacker wields Nightblood and is wearing [REDACTED] and using ChayShan while Ascending to a Shard and dancing with the [REDACTED] in hand. I am given the bane of being unable to eat cereal on Tuesdays.

What you didn't realize is that the Nightwatcher just got stabbed and killed by tweezers. I was the being you spoke to. I lied to you and as you left, I stole the sandwich from you, leaving your own decoy.

Look, stop trying to make it so we can't take the sandwich please. That's not the point of this game, it's to have fun and come up with crazy, wacky ways to steal something.

[The Stick]

Of course, I am sorry.

I then realize that you are a Sharder and therefore want Stormlight Archive 5 to come out. I threaten to send a virus to destroy the document Brandon is writing in to compel you to give the Sandwich. However, you later realize that I am also a Sharder and would never have destroyed Stormlight 5.

[Weaver of Shadows he/him]

I steal the document of stormlight 5, give it to the Stick, and while he is distracted by the greatest book ever I steal the sandwich.

[The Stick]

I happily start reading for the next week or so.

[Szeth Pancakes he/they]

I hand Lightweaver a box set of Era 3 (obtained via time travel). While they’re reading, I steal the sandwich.

[The Stick]

I finish Stormlight Archive 5 and shout who dies to Szeth. He immediately breaks down in tears because it is a character he loves and I take the Sandwich.