Mandamon

I'd like to submit Chapter 14.

Thanks for the feedback! Cetriya - Lots of good points. Some of those are the same as I've gotten from other readers. I agree the first part can probably be cut down quite a bit--the warning that your first couple chapter will get scrapped and all that. I got a lot of other feedback about the amount of information. That will get toned down as well in the first edit. I do like your suggestion to bring a description of the Methiemum earlier, and it is important to the plot. Bringing it earlier may provide more of a hint for when they are described fully in chapter 8. The question about the kelhiw and the Houses does get answered later on. This is a long book (I'm estimating 150k at least) so I'm not as worried about delaying some of the explanation a few chapters. I am worried if you get so frustrated you want to stop reading. Let me know what you think as you read more. For portals, you have to have been to (or shown) the exit location, so Maji can't just open portals all across the galaxy. I may need to make that clearer. I think your other questions on technology will also get answered, but let me know if you're still confused when you get caught up. Yankorro - I agree, this is getting into the swampy, boggy, middle. I had some trouble with this and the last chapter especially. The money system is not really plot specific, so you're right--it can be cut down. Good point on the description. I'll look at that when I go back. On conflict, I agree this chapter felt lacking. I couldn't get it quite right when I was writing. Let me know how this one compares with what happens in the next chapter (and beyond).

A solid story. The setup is good and I was pulled in and wanted to keep reading. Then I got to the end...and was wondering where the next page was. There's no real resolution. I at least expected Taru to get to the island and something to happen. The revelation of naming her after her mother is not nearly enough to end the story. This is a very good introduction to something larger but right now, it seems unfinished. I spent most of the story wondering what the big grab was going to be at the end. Would Taru have to give up the girl? Would she reveal herself to be a god in disguise? Would the islanders kill them both? You've got good characters, good dialogue, good description, and I have a good feel for the world. This reminded me a little of "The second son," in that it was very well written, but fell flat at the end. I also just noticed that you've got a "number-child" theme going on there...

Comments along the way: Pg 1: Arlon's palms were covered with sweat and he wiped them on the front of his clothes. -Do you mean Forys' hands? I didn't see a reason yet for Arlon to be nervous. the POV in the first paragraph is also a little weak, and I wasn't sure whether it was from Forys or Arlon until the second page. Pg 1: "The priest wrung his hands, which showed how confident he was in Mahau’s early arrival." -No telling--You already showed it in the same sentence! Pg 4: "Arlon said. ‘Some humans can actually set shrouds pretty well.’ Behind him, he heard Forys shuffle on his feet.' -nice tidbit of worldbuilding and wel placed. There needs to be more of this in the first couple chapters about both the Shrouds and the Gods, to give the reader a little more idea about what's going on. Pg 5: Arlon losing his mind to violent urges felt odd. I gathered he was some sort of lust or sex god; unstable, but not necessarily violent. Seems odd that he would have an urge to kill Mahau, when he denies killing, unless he is actually the killer. From everything else he says and thinks, I didn't think he was the killer. Pg 7: another reference to regional gods. What is Mahau in comparison? Pg 13: "‘Is my Lord mad or something?’" -The "or something" jarred me out of the story. I think it's too modern. The conversation and characterization is good, at least for Mahau and Neda. Arlon, I think, is a little less well defined, but I can still understand his personality. However, I'm starting to lose the feel for the world. You may need to add in some more description or at least reminders of how everyone looks. I keep forgetting that the gods are larger, and I have no idea how much larger Arlon is than Mahau, and Mahau to Neda. I also didn't remember Arlon being purple. Is his skin that color, like he's got high blood pressure, or do you mean he's actually purple? Still liking the story and I want to see where it goes. I think on the next edit you should focus a little more on showing the worldbuilding and description. I'm still vague on shapes/sizes of gods, Shroud powers, the gods' culture, and how the world works with gods being physical. How do common people regard them?

I tend to agree with Cjhuitt, but I'll post my own take on it. It starts with a mirror scene. You're not using this in the usual way, but what possible reason is there for him to be in front of a mirror? He could see all his wounds and describe them, except for the ones on his face, which he could feel. Are his hands tied? If not, he could feel his broken jaw. I got the feeling in the first part that Rick was a grown up from his thoughts and actions. They sound like a 20+ year old. The murderer refers to him as a boy. Also, the murderer refers to himself as a murderer? I get the idea for secrecy, but it doesn't sit right. Plus you never reveal anything else about him, so there's no point in concealing anything about him. He's only there to shoot Rick and move things along. Birthday/death date: I don't understand why only living people would have their birthdays celebrated. I take note at least of my favorite relatives who have since passed on. I would think him saying not to curse the day of his death is a much bigger tip-off. Aunt Anja seems very convenient; almost a Deus-ex machina. So far the story has not had any fantastic elements except for a magical witch showing up out of the blue. I think it's more that your setting is very current-time, which doesn't work with calling up an aunt who is known to be a witch. I had to flip between before and after the Anja's visit to figure out what was going on. At first I though the parents didn't think Rick was dead, but that couldn't be right. I think you need a better trigger for them calling Anja than seeing the note. Or if you keep that, it needs to be clearer that you're suddenly going to throw in magic. And the ending was pretty much what I was expecting. The parents brought Rick back, when he was only telling them to enjoy life, and then everyone's happy. At first I thought Bob would trade his life for Rick's or something like that, but nothing happened and the ending sort of fell flat. The story starts with a very violent picture of Rick, then inside the head of a murder, and then ends with a sort of goofy morality tale on life. Rick's parents come over as sort of one-dimensional and melodramatic. The best character, both in description and action, was Aunt Anja, but she was only there for a page or so. The genre would probably be an urban fantasy (guns and magic) but I think it needs some more work and thought before it can go anywhere. I think my main issue with this is that the story doesn't know what it is. You say this yourself because you can't tell what genre it is. I would suggest to pick one element and focus the story on that point. You'll get better characters and and more cohesive whole: 1) Rick's death (how, why, where, when) 2) the murderer killing Rick (not really pleasant) 3) How Aunt Anja uses magic and what the cost is 4) How Rick's parent react and/or get over it 5) Rick's parent's sacrifice to bring Rick back 6)... All these are in the story, and for something this short, there's not enough time to properly explore any of them. To me, Aunt Anja's magic is the only difference between this being "based on a true story" and a fantasy. If you're looking to write a fantasy, you need to have a focus on that in the story.

I think if you were doing this specifically to practice descriptions, then it worked. The descriptions are effective of people. but you might need more about Harry and where he is. However, if you want to turn this into something else, then the big blocks of descriptive text might overwhelm readers. For Harry being the POV, there's not a lot of focus on him. He's mostly just observing. I think you need to reverse the second to last paragraph. I was wondering why Harry was so scared that the soldier was talking, until I finally got to the end of the paragraph and found out he had heard a different voice altogether. "which was the reason he had been so startled to hear the voice." -the last part of the last sentence is unnecessary. We can tell from your description that the place is empty, and obviously Harry was startled, so we can figure this out. As to where this is going, I really have no idea. I could easily see this story being about someone completely different (like the old soldier) since a disembodied voice is interested in him, and the soldier and the voice are the only ones to get dialogue and do things. It could also be about Harry discovering some special ability/person, though with a bad leg, he's not going to be a very mobile hero. I would lean toward the former out of the two scenarios.

Pg 2-4: I didn't get the impression Mahau was that upset with Neda's impertinence before. Now it seems like he's going to call her out for doing the same things she did before. I got the feeling this sort of attitude toward Neda matched Arlon's personality more than Mahau's. Pg 6: Hmm...then a few pages later he's much more lenient with her again. No punishment for her speaking out of turn. This matches Mahau a lot more. Pg 3: Interesting "inside" comments on the gods' approach to worship. I like Mahau's thoughts about gathering followers and his comments on the "barbaric" regional gods. You may want to provide a little more explanation for how they are categorized. You've mentioned regional gods several times. How are they different from Mahau and others? Pg 4: There's a very easy changeover between Mahau and Mandos. Mahau also seems pretty unconcerned that Mandos might lose him some followers. I'm wondering what the penalty is when Mahau loses people. Do his powers weaken? You might answer this later, but the thought popped into my head as I was reading. Pg 9: There's still some flip-flopping with both Neda's and Mahau's actions toward each other. One moment they seem like an old married couple, the next a very formal priestess and god. Seems inconsistent. --Ok...I got to this point before I realized you had switched POVs between Mahau and Neda. Maybe I just overlooked it, but you might want to take a look at pgs 6-9. There may be some confused POV in those pages. Pg 13: "I especially liked the bodies of murdered people with all those clues lying around their bodies.’" -That comes across kind of creepy. Also odd that they are so familiar and Mahau doesn't know a lot about her? Pg 17: The shell/shroud conversation is unclear. I'm not sure you've explained the magic system well enough to get this meaning across yet. You're starting to get into the story here, and it's intriguing, but I think you're also starting to get ahead of yourself with the magic system. You may need to add some more description for how it works and how gods work before you jump fully into the culture. Looking forward to next time!

I didn't see anything particularly wrong in this chapter. The characters are still discernible, the description is good, and the events were clear. (you already know my opinions on the style of writing for the story sections...;-)) I do like seeing some dichotomy between where the professor is from and the colony Riki lived in. It gives some needed information that not all the colonies are in such a state (even if the means of production are maybe not quite legal). I think the one problem I had with this chapter was that it didn't really draw me in. It's getting right into the middle of this novella, and the reader should be realizing how much there is left to the story. Yes, Riki is making more connections and learning where the rectangle came from, or who's looking for it, but even with that, I felt nothing really happened. I thought he was going to spend more time with the old man and the girl, because the whole last Riki chapter was about them. But they just gave him a warning about Jaguars and sent him on his way. Then the interview with the professor is even shorter. For a story of this length, it seems like two chapters didn't really give a lot of progress to the main objective. Nor did they really fill out Riki's personality any more. I wouldn't think Celia would learn a lot more about her father from Dimas telling her this part. Thinking to other novellas I've read recently (Legion, The Emperor's Soul, Dominion, The Sagan Diary, the Human Division part 1) each one has a certain snap to each chapter and something important happens in it. There's never a wasted character or connection. I'm interested to see what happens as we get to the climax/end of the book, but I'm wondering if some of the middle portion (like what you did with chapters 7 and 8) might be able to be cut down. Feel free to prove me wrong! I look forward to the next installment.

Here is chapter 13 of The Seeds of Dissolution. I know several are new to the story, so it will be harder to jump right in. Here's a brief summary: Previously: -Origon flew the first capsule to the Methiemum moon, discovered a strange aberration that defies natural law, and reported back to the ruling members of Methiem and to his friend Rilan, on the Council of the Maji. -Sam, living on Earth, escaped a strange energy-sucking coldness, but was unable to save his aunt. He escaped through a hole he somehow created in the fireplace of his house, and met up with Origon in the Nether. -Sam learned about the Nether and the city of the Imperium, Origon took him to see the Council, and Councilor Rilan determined that she and Sam are the same species. -Rilan meets her new apprentice, Enos, and Sam learns how little the ten species know about space and the universe. -A crisis is brewing, with some members of the Assembly wanting to secede. Meanwhile, Sam is left with Enos, and has to figure out how to talk to girls. -In the Assembly, a witness to the Aridori testifies, while Sam learns more about Enos. -Rilan realizes the witness is lying for some reason, but is upstaged by a rival, Vethis. Origon attempts to diffuse the situation by bringing up his Drains. Afterward, he learns Enos and her brother were also victims of a Drain and wants to immediately investigate the site, but Rilan stops him. I'm looking thoughts on character development and interaction, worldbuilding, pacing, learning curve, and any confusion with words or complexity of the story. Thanks!

I've sent out a few copies of the first 12 chapters of Seeds of Dissolution to readers, so I'd like to post chapter 13 for Monday. Not sure if anyone/everyone is caught up, but we'll see.

No problem with keeping the characters apart. Mahau, Arlon, and Neda are all clear in my mind. I couldn't tell you the elder gods' names off the top of my head, but I don't expect them to be major characters anyway. Forys I don't have as clear a picture of, but then I don't think he's gotten as much screen time.

There's some good things going for this plot. I like the idea of a mystery between the gods. some comments: Pg 2: "Before soon" -strange wording Pgs 2/3 are a little too explainy. By that I mean you could be a little more subtle with how you tell what's going on. One example: "‘You know we lesser gods don't hold you five in great esteem, so don’t try to bully me into doing what you want.’" comes across as maid and butler style conversation. If they both know this, there's no point to saying it. Maybe Mahau could show that he knows that's a bluff. Same thing with "A greater god apologising? There’s something very wrong here." It's a very direct tell of what you want to say. Let the events show us instead. In contrast, the very next paragraph is a lot better. Mahau recognizes they are afraid by their fear and need. But you've already told us that, so it lessens the effect. Pg 5: "going away investigating murders" -Also strange wording pg 6: "...reproving stare? The mere sight of her reproachful stare" -maybe a different word choice there Pg 8: "she said in what was probably the most icy manner she knew. She didn't like to have him here, and she was showing it." -same thing here. You're showing us, and then you tell us afterwards. Don't second guess yourself. The first sentence is enough description. Arlon is a lot better fleshed out in this one. There's much less monologuing and he's a more sympathetic character, even though you can tell he's not really a "good" god. I continue to be interested in this story, and I'm starting to get a sense of the world and the gods. I like that they are completely physical beings and suffer from hunger, pain, etc, but at the same time are definitely godlike in manner. Keep it up!

Nothing attached to the email! Can you resend the attachment?

This is very good. You might think I'm crazy, but my first instinct is that this needs to be shorter and tighter. I'll get to that in a moment. Stating Martin's name is a little awkward. You could leave it out if you wanted and just say he's guarding the stone. I was drawn into the story, and very quickly tied up in Martin's character. He's got clear goals, clear conflict, and lots of emotion. The torture scenes get the point across and show the pain he's in, but aren't overly gruesome or prolonged. I suspected Marina was probably Nathalia around page ten, when I realized she could substitute if Martin couldn't see her. My main comment is that this has a good ending, but it's not the *perfect* ending. I think this has a whole lot of potential. I liked that Martin got some payback in the end, and while this is well written, there is still not quite enough zing to the twist. And that's the whole focus of the story. The reader knows you're not just writing something about a sorcerer getting tortured and killed, so what's the point? We're looking for the twist from the beginning, so it has to be really good. I'd keep in the Marina/Nathalia twist as a good distraction, but then add a real curveball. Maybe either turn this incredibly dark (the sorcerers are making him imagine all this? Or he takes Nathalia's place and misuses the stone?) or make us think he's going to really die, and then save him somehow. I'm sure you'll have better ideas. That's why I think it could be shorter, to give the reader less time to realize what the (real) twist is. You have a start in that he gets his revenge on Nathalia, but I think it could be better. Overall, quite good. Polish it up and submit it somewhere!

On POVs: I think it would be better with Ms. Luwon cut. That leaves you still with 3 POVS, which may be too much. I thought the phone scene with Choli actually worked well. I got the sense she was shaken up and at the scene of a quake. You could try to cut out some POVs by describing what another character notices about them. You don't have to give every emotion for every character. Often what you don't say is as important as what you do. In contrast to film and comics, in writing it's often better to give hints and let the reader's imagination fill in the blanks. It's a more subtle medium. As a last point, I think this chapter was so scattered because the viewpoints were so short. If you combined a couple to make them twice as long, then it would be easier to keep track of them. On technology: Looking back, I think I was more interested in the cultural part of the technology, instead of meaning you had too much. Yes, I can understand robots, fighting games, and monorails, but why? Why are robots used? Is there no unemployment? Are the fighting robots that Mel and Ace use virtual or real? They're trading and using parts, so I assumed it was some sort of power armor, but I didn't get a clear picture. Obviously you don't need to explain all this in the first chapter, but it seemed like a lot was thrown in for the sake of being futuristic. If you haven't thought about the above points, maybe have a reason for why that technology exists. It will make your setting more vibrant and real.

Sure. Send me a PM with your email and I'll send it out.

Thanks for the feedback! Yes, I think this landed in a lull, and then there's been a number of new readers. There is a steep learning curve to this, so I didn't want to post another chapter and just have everyone confused. Good points, all. I knew this chapter was heavy on the namedropping and intrigue, but I'll cut it down some more during edits. It was more to show all the various different agendas going on, but it looks like I've got that across already. Thanks for the points on subtlety vs. spelling out. I'll look for that as I write. Glad you recognized the scene/sequel format. I outlined the story following that format and I think it's helped my plotting immensly. Yes, more "ly" adverbs...those darn things creep in (unnaccountably? maliciously? silently?) when I'm not looking. I can post more if everyone's interested (I'm up to ch 23 now), but didn't want to overburned the new readers with all the backstory. It's hitting the main storyline at this point, and it's sort of neccessary to know what happened in the past to figure out what's going on.

Welcome to Reading Excuses! You say you're a new writer, and reader. One of my favorite quotes is: "A writer is a reader moved to emulation" - Saul Bellow. So read as much as you can. It will help your writing style develop. As for this piece, I have some general comments first. First, run a spell and grammar check, and proofread yourself. There's some misspelled words and wrong word choices ("my self" instead of "myself") throughout the chapter. Pg 3: "viewed the graphic user interface, GUI, screen." -you don't need to explain GUI to a SciFi audience. You also don't need to itallicize names, or even nicknames, as you introduce characters. Tenses: You have a lot of mixed tense through the chapter. Some is in past tense, some is in present. Novels are usually written in past tense, and the tense may change between viewpoints, but for a beginning writer, stick to past tense. Some examples: Pg 3: The section with Stravo getting up is in present tense (mostly), when the previous part wasin past tense. Pg9-12: some of Mrs. Luwon's POV is also in present tense. POV: You have 4 POVs in 3500 words! This is way too many to start out with. By the time I got to the end, I wasn't sure who was the current character. For a beginning writer, limit to one to two in the whole book, and you probably want to use one POV for an entire chapter. Also a note, From her own POV, Mrs. Luwon would probably not refer to herself that way. She would probably use her first name. pages 6-13 have some confusing description and dialogue, and sometimes I get lost while reading. Some examples: End of pg7: I'm not sure what "defenses for backup" mean or what Asara broke in the fight. pg 10: "“Hi Mrs. Luwon.” Stravo stood up. “You can put down your arms and legs, Jeremy.”" -I assume he's talking to one of the robots, but I'm not sure how it's holding both its arms and legs up Pg 11-12: Is the building quaking or the robots? At first I thought the robots had tremors, then I though there was an earthquake. I know it's probably clear in your head what's happening, and this is exactly what writing groups are for. Find out where you're missing some description or plot that confuses readers, and then go back and edit. So that was all technical stuff. On the story itself, I like the general idea, but need to see more from one POV to really get a feel for what's going on. I get a strong Anime vibe from your writing, especially in the scene on the monorail. This isn't bad, but be careful you don't copy too much from that medium (if that's what you're doing). You've also got a lot of future technology crammed into the pages, and you may need to slow down a little on introducing it, so as not to overwhelm the reader. I didn't have much problem with the pacing, and the city vanishing at the end will draw the reader on. I look forward to more. Keep writing, and try not to edit too much now. Find your voice--the only way that will happen is by writing, and writing, and writing. Also listen to Writing Excuses (if you don't already). Search especially for episodes on POV, plotting, character voice, and scene blocking.

This version is much better than last time. The start-up for the argument with Celia is a lot better paced, and gives a good reason for Dimas to leave. The construction of the chapter is more fluid, and gets to the points you want to make. Hwan has a much more grounded personality. I can see that he's hinting at something at first, and then I can understand his reasons for joining the authority. it's much more reasonable for him to find Dimas at his old home than randomly in the market (although I guess Hwan has probably got some surveilance on Dimas either way). You removed some the political background, and I only realized it when I went back to look at the old version. That tells me it wasn't needed, so good job on that cut. Last, you bring up the rectangle at the end of the chapter, which ties us back into the story and gets us ready for what comes next. Better all around! I'm looking forward to the next part.

Another good chapter. Even though the story is dealing with some life and death matters, it still seems almost like light reading to me. Not sure if it's Mahau's character or your writing style. Whichever the reason, it makes it easy to keep reading. Some comments: Pg1: "Where is the accursed man?" -should it be "accursed god?" Or does Mahau's status as a lower god mean he's closer to human? Pg2-4: You've got some good banter between Neda and Mahau. I get a good feeling for the two characters and how they regard each other. I didn't think it ran too long as I read it, but I see what Adolins is saying. On the other hand, this builds good rapport between the two characters. Pg5: "Hadn't Neda told him the grizzly man was a messenger for the greater gods, Mahau wouldn't have looked at him twice." -This sentence is a little awkward... Pg 5: "Mahau examined the shape of the messenger’s coat. Only one scroll could fit there, which meant this particular messenger only had one missive to deliver." -I get your intent, but I'm having trouble imagining a coat that can only hold one scroll (along with the person in the coat). Is it a very large scroll? Also, Mahau finds a note in the coat later, so it's not like it only has one pocket, or anything. why can it only hold one scroll? Pg 8: "The only thing Mahau needed to do was to appear shorter than he really was. This was easy using a space reducing Shroud on oneself." -you're telling rather than showing. Instead just show Mahau making the space-reducing shroud and take out that last sentence where he's explaining magic principles to himself, and also the few sentences in the next paragraph where he's desribing what it does. You've already got the showing part, but you're telling too, and that makes it weaker. Pg 8: "So, the messenger left his coat on purpose for Mahau's use." -Again, you're over-telling. The reader knows this from the note; you don't have to spell it out. The story continues to be interesting. I can't help but think Mahau going alone to a gathering of all five greater gods, without telling anyone, when we know the gods fight amongst themselves, is a bad idea... I'm sure we'll find out soon. I have to wonder if Mahau recognizes this is a risky action, or if there is so much unquestioning loyalty to the greater gods that he obeys without thinking. Looking forward to more!

Well, I think I like the first version better than this one. The first has all the issues I already mentioned, but this version has more problems with POV and how it's set up. Because you don't have Pythia as a vehicle to explore the scene any longer, you try to condense your prologue, and it comes across as very explainy. There's a lot of telling rather than showing. Then once you get to Ashera, there is some POV confusion. It's hard to tell if you're writing from Pythia's POV inside Ashera's head, or from Ashera's POV. I think if you are intending this to go after your prologue of last week, you're repeating yourself in the beginning, and if you mean for this to be the beginning of the story, then it's too general to start out with. It sounds like you're summarizing something that we should know about. You lose the wonder of the first few paragraphs of your chapter from last week. Once again, I think the problem is your choice of protagonist. Pythia is by definition unable to interfere, and so making her a protagonist means she must be inactive. It would be much easier to write, and to read, if we learn about Ashera and Niko and Talvin in the natural progression of the story. As it is now, Pythia can tell us about the characters becuase she can get in their heads. But you don't want to tell us about the characters, you want to show us how the characters react. At the risk of sounding draconian, I think Pythia's POV is a darling you need to kill. But taking this away from the story takes out some of the mystery with your setup, and I'm not sure how much damage that will do to you story structure. I see all the elements of a good story, but they're not in the right order yet to start it out. And to immediately contradict myself, don't spend too much time on this. Write the book first, then come back and fix it. I'd rather see the next chapter next week (and assume the first chapter went well) than to see variations on the first chapter over and over. Keep writing!

As much as I secretly like prologues, I agree. Though you could still use the first chapter as a revelation from Pythia to the others later on, telling how she was there when they started out on their quest...or something.

I think this is much better than last time. I instantly have more interest in the story than the previous version, and questions about the magic system. Before it just seemed gross, but now I can tell it has some purpose. I didn't compare writing styles offhand, but I didn't see a lot wrong aside from the couple small things below. The character of Lyan is (from what I remember) also a little more developed than Coil and I can better agree with her responses. Roa is delightfully hate-able. I look forward to when she next shows up. Some comments: Pg 7: essentialize. Not a word? Pg 8: mid-tanness. Also not a word? pg 10: "he was draped in grey-dyed leathers with a simple silver pin-- and eye devided by a thin sword-point-- " -no space after the "--", some typos I'm all for keeping momentum going, and it's probably better to not nitpick over things on the first draft, but I also wouldn't post the section with notes until you clean it up some, or at least remove the notes. Don't let the reader see what is going on. It's too hard even for me as a critiquer to follow and give feedack on that part with parts still missing. That said, I do like the idea of the shadow/spider who's going to produce (I assume) some horrific creature. It works well with the blood magic and aocalyptic feeling I get from the rest of the book.

I do like this. It's an interesting setup with an interesting concept: Gods are corporeal body, and can make it so humans can't notice them. And Mahau at least was once human too. I'm interested in what Mahau is and how he got there. Arlon's part is a bit explain-y. I get the feeling of a villain monologueing how he has been wronged and now has to right it in his favor. I like the description of the gods and how they are among humans. It's a good switch which gives some interesting new prospects for the priests. The writing in the first part with Mahau seems more consistent than with Arlon, maybe because there isn't any dialogue. That part comes across a little stiff. There's more telling than showing. You've got a good idea, but I would work on the dialogue more to give more personality to Arlon and Belis. Even (especially?) for gods, they seem shallow. Overall, I'm interested to see more. I have a weakness for stories with mythology or gods, so I'd like to see more about the gods' personalities and powers.

Hmmm...I had to look all the way back to the prologue to figure out who Bern is. Even for a reader reading all at once, you probably need a reminder for a bit character out of the prologue, when he doesn't show up again until chapter 7. I also couldn't figure out why he wanted to steal things until I realized he was part of the band of thieves Link belonged to. pg 2: "Yes we have. We’ll fight for the honor of great Eria, for her fare hills and grand mountains, for her young boys and cute little girls. And the whole world will see how amazing we really are." -I'm not sure boys would talk like this. Also "fair," not "fare". The next line from them is the same. I don't think they would say "rather impressive," when the farmer in front of Bern said "don’tcha know." More importantly, if they do talk like this, tell us why. Are they a rich noble's sons out for an adventure? Pg 8: "Bern gave a slight smile. Rak seemed to take an odd pleasure in reminding Bern of his paunch. Not odd; perverse." -But he only mentioned it once in passing...Bern seems really uptight about this... "Bern raised an eyebrow. “I can see how Ark comes from Rak, but where did the Chapun come from?” “Paunch!” -This just seems weird. He chose a name to make fun of Bern before he knew Bern would come into the room? Either this has some important meaning later, which I'm missing, or I would cut it. It's just confusing as to why you put so much importance on Rak joking about Bern's belly. The conversation with the minister also seems a little too much. The minister might dismiss Bern's warning as a something drawing troops away from where they are needed, but I also don't think anyone in power would instantly ignore someone telling him of a danger he'd never heard of. Maybe he would send a few men to investigate? Overall, this chapter doesn't do a whole lot for the story. It sets Bern as a possible new character, tells that someone has rounded up all the spies in this city of Eria, a place we haven't seen before, and lets us know Link is moving his army. We already knew that. Is Bern Erian? Why is he warning the queen rather than one of main characters? You might be setting something up, but unless that's the reason, I think a lot of this could be cut or summed up in an aside.