Mandamon

Heh. I enjoyed this, even though it was unclear. But then, I tend to like short ambiguous "poetry" stories that make you think. I didn't have a problem with the POV--I thought the first paragraph was sort of a "fly in" to the story--but I do agree with jParker on the other two points. On clarity: Don't lose the ambiguity of what exactly happens. I think what makes this story interesting is the reader trying to figure out whether the lizards took over the hotel, or whether something is happening to each group that stays there, or what. Keep that. However, I think there may some shift in intent, especially in the 5th paragraph, when you say "This is a first for our little hotel," because we've obviously seen other groups. I don't think there's time in this piece for explaining the twists or turnarounds. You have to leave it to the reader to figure out by your description. That leads into... Word count: I think you can take this down to 500 words, and make this a really snappy and thought provoking piece. It will be a challenge. Look at each word and sentence and try to make it serve more than one purpose (description, dialogue, sensations, setting...). But I want to see the finished product when you do!

I liked the concept of this, but I don't think it's suited to a short story, or at least not one this short. The sense of Pyrus' failure, and then triumph, would have been stronger if we knew more about the worldbuilding behind it. From the reader viewpoint, his choice is obvious--why even bother with sacrifice to spirits who obviously aren't doing anything? Everyone else in the town has stopped doing it. Also, we never learn what the Great Walk is, why it matters, or why the whole town is deserted. I was wondering the whole time why he would sacrifice food for the ghosts that he could be eating himself. If he dies, then he can't sacrifice, thus the first priority must be to stay alive, even if the ghosts get a meager sacrifice that day. The problem with this sort of alternate culture and values is that you need to make us believe with Pyus that the sacrifice is the right thing to do, even with all it costs him. I'm not sure that's suitable for a short story, because there's not enough time to get the necessary information across to keep the resolution from falling flat.

Thanks for the feedback. Looks like I might need to work that part up a notch to get the significance across. I would have liked to include another Skeksis, but felt it was getting a little crammed into 10k words as it was. Guru- yes, I wasn't sure about the tentacles either, but the lore says he wears a "frightening" mask and with the animal/plant/mineral hybrid creatures that occupy the Dark Crystal world, I thought that might be cool as a disguise. I'll try to make that part clearer. Also, yes, both the Skeksis and the Mystic (urRu) are aware of the bond and dual deaths. That's the main reason they stay away from each other. Thanks!

Guru, cjhuitt, thanks for the comments. I'm getting exactly the feedback I hoped for. To answer a few of the questions, yes this is an "unfinished" story, in that it's more a display of skill to the contest masters than a true story. Rian's backstory is included as the setup question on the contest website. He's the first Gelfling to figure out the Skeksis are not the noble beings they pose as, and are stealing Gelfling essence. He, Gurjin, Jul, and the new urRu and Skeksis are the new seed characters the company has introduced. (interesting sidenote--there was recently a poll on the Dark Crystal forums on how many used Rian as the main character. Only one voted yes out of about 20 responses.) The dialogue hiccups and Dreamfasting seem to be the biggest points, followed by more description needed and even more 3-symbolism, if I can cram it in. This is just what I need to do a second edit. I'll also look at the age of the Mystics. I struggled with that one too. Oh, very good catch on that one. *facepalm* Of course he would have brought another. Another question for you all: Did anyone catch the importance of the spirit beast? This may be a hard one for those not included in the contest, but there is a Skeksis (the opposite of urVa the Archer) who is called skekMal the Hunter, and he's described as almost a wild animal, disguised and catching and eating anything in his path. Now you know that, any other comments about the confrontation between the two halves? Good/bad/indifferent?

Who are you intending the audience to be? Generally older audiences read about older protagonists. Exceptions include the ones jParker and sarkadark posted. I could believe 12 or 13 at the youngest, but still with nowhere near the grasp of abilities. I would wonder first why you have such a young protagonist. Is there something special about him being young? Ender was chosen because 1) he was a genius and 2) the battle school was looking for new trainable perspectives (if I remember right). Is there some reason Peter has to be pre-adolescent and not 14? 17? 25? note: b with a ) sign turns into a smiley. Sigh.

Completely serious. Now the answer might be one that Mysty suggested, or to cut the "millions in a pocket" part until you have more information, or to add a one sentence explanation that sums up your worldbuilding until you have more time, or even hang a lantern on the phrase so you promise to answer it later. There's lots of ways to do it.

Good worldbuilding. Now the challenge is to put this^^ in the story in a form where Mysty doesn't have this question in Chapter 1!

Thanks for the quick feedback! Oh, and do yourself a favor and watch the Dark Crystal. I's a really good movie, and you haven't ever seen anything like it--I promise. If you care to read the first half, send me a PM with your email and I can send it on. Don't feel obligated, though. Dreamfasting comes from the movie, and there's not a lot of explanation as to whether the communication is completely open, or one can choose what to share. I took the view that one could keep things away from the other with training. Thanks for the catch on contractions, and the other notes. I'll look for that in the re-edit.

Welcome to Reading Excuses! On with the critiquing... As jParker said, watch out for the info dump on page 2. Having the reader learn about Peter's skills firsthand is much more interesting than just listing them for us. I'll probably have forgotten specific traits by the time you use them, and then you'll have to repeat them anyway. Is Peter's narration believable? Not really. This sounds way too old for a 9 year old. I do think the asides work for his age, but not the calmness and exposition. He's too much in control of his self. 9 year olds have the attention span of a goldfish, so I don't quite believe he can summon up the will and concentration to craft two spells in the space of a couple seconds. What issues distract from the main thrust of the narrative? There's a lot of bleed-over from Harry Dresden: named with four names, some of the skills as a wizard, the third eye, the names of spells (infernus)... I'm not saying these are specific only to the Dresden Files, but you've portrayed them very similar to the way Jim Butcher portrays Harry Dresden. You can use the same abilities, but you need to shake them up more so people don't immediately make the association. There are some good futuristic elements, like the scanning equipment and robot dogs, and I would maybe put more focus on that part at the beginning to differentiate. I'm wondering if any of this Is what you will portray differently later? Are you drawn in by this opening? Does it make you want to read more? This is a qualified yes. Your prose is good, light, and engaging. I want to read more of this character, even if I don't necessarily believe that he's 9. That said, I'm not sure where you're going from here. Peter is pretty powerful, and rich, for a 9 year old. Is he going to get more powerful, somehow ("I’m the most powerful magician in the world")? If his mother is still in control of his actions (he can't even get home a little late), and he's already solved the biggest problem I can think of for a pre-adolescent (bullying by armed teenagers and surviving a mugging at gunpoint), I'm not sure what else he's going to do.

Hi all, This is the second half of an entry for the Penguin Dark Crystal Author Quest Contest, and I'm looking for the same things as last time. If you're familiar with The Dark Crystal, this takes place many years before, when there were lots of Gelfling, and the Skeksis and Mystics were young and strong. I am looking for: 1) Does this evoke the world of Henson's Dark Crystal movie for you? Why/why not 2) Does this make you want to read a 50,000 word story based on this topic? 3) Gelfling are not human, and are characterized as innocent, naive, and forgetful. Do you see these characteristics? If you're not familiar with the Dark Crystal, any normal feedback is appreciated. Thanks!

I'd like to submit my Dark Crystal entry part 2 for next week.

Thanks for the comments. I haven't read the novelization, but I did get the recent graphic novels and the World of the Dark Crystal (which is a fantastic book to have, in any case). 1) I was attempting to capture some of the nostalgia of the film in choosing those characters, plus all the stories put out so far have had the girl/boy pair. That said, I do want these two to be different. See what you think of the second half. 2) I intended this to be more of a writing example than a particular part of a 50K novel. However it turned out more as the beginning of the story. The hidden palace probably wouldn't come back in until the end of the story. As for description, I was a little frustrated while writing, trying to cram as much description in while getting the story across. That's one area I'll target when I re-edit. 3) This was another part sort of bound by the contest rules. The story is supposed to be about the Gelfling Gathering together to create the Wall of Destiny, so I can't really keep the Skeksis secret long because there has to be enough time to gather the clans. I settled on the secret being "out" but not believed by all but a few. Again, let me know if the second half changes your views any. Thanks again for the comments, and tune in next week for the conclusion (of the entry)!

Just finished!

Hi all, This is the first half of an entry for the Penguin Dark Crystal Author Quest Contest, so it's 1) technically fan fiction and 2) I've got some specific things I'm looking for along with general feedback. If you're familiar with The Dark Crystal, this takes place many years before, when there were lots of Gelfling, and the Skeksis and Mystics were young and strong. I am looking for: 1) Does this evoke the world of Henson's Dark Crystal movie for you? Why/why not 2) Does this make you want to read a 50,000 word story based on this topic? 3) Gelfling are not human, and are characterized as innocent, naive, and forgetful. Do you see these characteristics? If you're not familiar with the Dark Crystal, any normal feedback is appreciated. Thanks!

I got excited this weekend and finished the first draft. If I can get an edit done tomorrow, I'd like to submit the Dark Crystal story for critique tomorrow night.

Anyone else here doing the Dark Crystal contest? I'm finishing up a submission and was thinking about posting here in a week or two.

Akobel--on the ending, I completely agree with your alpha reader. I was sort of horrified that Forys even suggested cutting Arlon's leg off, but I thought the shroud "clot" was a cool idea. I was a little disturbed even by removing fingers. At first I thought it was unusual violence for this book, but then looking back I you had other similar descriptions, so it's something else. I think part of it is the quick change in Arlon's temperament. It feel almost like an innocent (or maybe someone of low intelligence...) who's been manipulated into a crime, but then has to suffer the full extent of the punishment. Do they deserve it? Well, yes, but... and there's your moral dilemma. On the other hand (ha) removing the entire hand is a more fitting punishment, but only because his modus operandi is to use his hands to strangle. I think you could pull this off, but you need a lot more buildup of Arlon using/admiring his hands. Again, this comes to the switch in character. In the first half, he's sort of goofy, with anger under the surface, and only in the second half does he start actually strangling people. That theme should be carried all the way through the book, or maybe just brought out more...did he strangle the original gods he was put on trial for? Okay...I've written much more than I started out to, but one more thought: You could use the same method with the leg of putting shrouds in Arlons wrists to stop his from using them, without the gory implications of cutting them off. Then you get the tie-in between use of hands, punishment for crimes, and "Shrouds," the title of the book... On the "arbitrary" 12 Gods, this suddenly makes much more sense when you say "1 greater god per slice of 12" rather than 11 lesser gods to one greater god. 12 at least has some historical connotations: 12 hours in a day, 12 (greater) Greek gods, etc. I would certainly have Mandos comment on it. I've often found that one explanatory sentence "in world" can erase all sorts of reader questions, because that's the way the characters know it to be true. If Mandos says something like "I don't know why; it's a natural law," many will suddenly shrug and let it be, rather than asking about it. I think part of the reason I was worrying about it was that you had a lot of math going on with number of greater to lesser gods. You might remove some of the numbers and just say "with that any dead, we can't support another greater god" rather than telling the exact number when a greater god disappears. Again, I think this does have a lot of potential, even if parts require a rewrite. The version of Seed of Dissolution you read was actually my second attempt. The first one had so many problems, even after editing, that I kept (some of) the characters and basic plot, but started at the beginning and rewrote the whole thing without looking at the original text. I lifted a total of three short scenes from the original, because those were the parts I liked the most.

Robinski--thanks for the effort in any case! I look forward to hearing what you think. And don't get pulled over on my account...

Alright, Akobel, time to return the favor with Shrouds: I posted a document in the Alpha Readers folder containing my reactions as I read through, as well as a few typos I noticed. You can get more detail there, but in overview: I really like the story idea of a god who is also, basically, a P.I. Sort of like the Dresden files, but with gods instead of wizards. I also like that the story was a murder mystery at the same time it was a fantasy. The ending was satisfying, and had a good “surprising, yet inevitable” feel with the new greater god candidate. I had a definite drive to read more and find out what happens next. The characters felt real to me, and I could sympathize with their reactions, and understand why they did what they did. There were only a couple places, mostly with Arlon, where I thought a change in character was a little too overt. Comments and questions: There were four main areas, which you’ll see most of my comments focus on. Better descriptions of location and travel time. Specifically at the beginning, I had a lot of questions about where all the gods lived, how close their temples were, and what their followers were like. Later in the book, you started to supply this information, but that information needs to be propagated back through the book. More/clearer explanation of the magic. As the book is called “Shrouds,” I feel I should have a good understanding of them by the end. I still don’t understand completely. I can tell you there are different color shrouds, some affect time and some affect space, and they change the fabric of reality. I still can’t tell you which color matches which shroud or why. If you make specific tags for the type of magic, it might inform the reader better. There also doesn’t seem to be a clear cost for the magic aside from the user getting tired. This means you could (and do) have humans that are far more powerful than their gods. With a specific cost, it becomes more interesting to figure out how the magic is limited and how to get around it. The gods and what they represent. OK. This is the big one. I said before I really like the idea of a god detective. It’s got exactly that right mix of the strange (god) mixed with the familiar (investigator). That said, I think there was some missed opportunity in this category to bring the book from a good read to a really fascinating story. First, I never got a good feeling for what made a god or why they were chosen. It seemed random. There was some explanation for a greater god appearing, in that they are “anointed” in some way. The numerical relationship of gods and greater gods also seemed almost random, and wasn’t satisfying from a reader perspective—it seemed more like a plot device. You spend hardly any time on how a god is different from a human, in fact going so far as to show how vulnerable they are. They’re more like immortal humans that can still be killed. I’d like to see the direct reaction between followers and gods and how it changes their emotions, or physical makeup, and then what happens to that power void when a god is killed. I’d also like to see more of Mahau’s backstory; how he became a god and how his hip was injured. For reference, Terry Pratchett’s Small Gods has a great scene of a god rising to power again. You make a plot point of how Mahau works as a god, but it is only at the very end of the book. I think the “twist” could work even better if you layered hints of that relationship throughout, and also applied it to why both Arlon and Arden changed (from benevolent to evil, and from lesser to greater god). You could even apply it to Debolah and how she came to be the oldest greater goddess. The mystery. There is of course the mystery of the murderer. However, it turned out to be exactly the person I thought it was, so not as satisfying to me. Most of the first half is taken up by Mahau going off on false trails that really don’t matter in the end. I’d love to see more on how a god works, how he or she is tied to followers, and how the worship affects their personality. If you can then tie the type of god (vengeance, love, greed, etc.) to the mystery itself and get that same “surprising, yet inevitable” for the reveal of the murderer as you do for the new god at the end, I think it would make Shrouds a really great story. I'll let you know if I think of anything else. Otherwise, read through the comments in the Alpha Readers folder and let me know if you other questions.

I agree with the others. This has come a long way from the first draft. The others caught the biggest parts I was going to mention, such as passive voice and redundant sentences. There is one more technical detail: it's = it is its = possessive of it If you come to an "it's," say "it is" and see if it still fits the sentence. you'll learn the difference quickly. Having seen the difference here and the last post, the best advice I can give is to write through the whole story. Don't go back and edit. Finish writing, let it sit for a week. and THEN go back and look at chapter 1. You'll see a big difference, and you'll see what we're pointing out for yourself. It is very hard to introduce a robotic character as the main POV, but I think you can do it and still have an exciting book. It's a hard challenge, but as you grow as a writer it will become easier. I would also advise, before you write any more, to read Strunk and White's The Elements of Style. Seriously. Read the whole thing, cover to cover. It's available in most used books stores, or on Amazon for $5, and it's 100 pages long. Read the whole thing, and then read through your chapter. See what you recognize.

Huh. No, didn't get the connection between the man and the tiger at all. I suppose because Snowcat hadn't talked before, and because the man was outside of the box (having escaped from the cage somehow). You specifically have Joshua Stone say the animal is real and not a vision, and I think that somehow cemented in my mind that it was not a magical animal. Thus I was blindsided when Things Happened. Not sure if it's just me, or the way the story was worded. I'd be interested to see who else picks up on the connection.

I agree with jParker on the lack of description. Especially to give life to Lei. pg 2: "Men and Women didn’t speak directly" Speak directly to each other? or to the students there? I think you mean they don't speak to each other at all. This poses some large societal problems. They must have others ways to commmunicate, then pg 5: Lei looked down at her hand, saw raw meat. She blinked. Nmu. Tiger. Meat. Animal. She nodded. I can do this. ”Splendid! You’re the first to try and come away unharmed.” --this part is a little disjointed. I assume Lei fed the tiger the meat, but unless she passed out, there would be some recollection. Why is there a sensory blackout here? pg 5: Lei doesn't seem to have much trouble adjusting to men talking to her, for all her horror when Head Father spoke to her. If it's a social taboo, I would expect her to be very shy and not talk to the merchant. pg 7: "X-2" doesn't seem to fit for a name in this context. I would think he would name it after a flying animal. I liked the story and that it showed more of the world, but I was confused after the fight. Who was the old man on the wagon? Who shot Lei? Why did she turn into a cat? I assume this was something to do with Snowcat, though why if he denies being the magical Nmu? The telepathy with animals sort of came out of nowhere. The ending left Lei's fate up in the air, but there were several questions left unanswered. Do you intend to fill out more of this story? As it is, I don't know if it can stand by itself, but it does work as a companion story.

This piece was moving, but very depressing, but then, I'm not much for sad stories. A couple things occurred to me as I read: Not sure why a random dog barking would snap Jeff out of suicide. He seems ambivalent to his own dog the rest of the time. How many days has it been? There's an unfinished insurance claim, and beers all around the house, but Jeff is still have very early stages of mourning, almost in shock, and still says he's married when talking to the woman in the bar. From that I got the feeling it was one or two days, but from the rest of the story I got the impression of a couple weeks. I also thought the answering machine was a bit of an anachronism. Depends on when you set this, but I don't think you say.

Akobel--Thanks a bunch! I am about 3/4 of the way through yours and hope to finish it up this week. First off, glad you liked it. This gives me some hope I can get an agent with this one. Sort of back to front on the questions... Interesting you thought it didn't need an epilogue. I added that thinking the ending was too weak and didn't tie everything up. Maybe it was the passiveness you mentioned. I'll have to take a look at that. I do intend this to be the first of a series, but wanted it to work as a stand alone so it would be easier for a publisher to pick up. I really like this "genre" in that it is a science-fantasy, but I know publishers have a hard time with things that don't have well-defined bounds. I wrote this as either a soft sci-fi where the magic was a type of science, or a more "hard" fantasy where the magic had a scientific leaning. I enjoy both types of books and some of my favorite works sort of cross the line. Aridori/Enos/forgiveness: yep. I fixed it some in the edit, but not enough. Houses and the Nether: I intend to flesh out the other Houses in the next books, but I couldn't find a place to work them in this one without causing bloat. The previous version had a lot more and was about 50k longer. Yes, the Nether is scary, now you mention it! It got more so as I wrote it. That and the planetary coincidences are there for a reason, which I hope to elaborate on later. Again, I had to cut out a lot of bloat the first time through, but I tried to weave some of it back in with the chapter headings. And last, the magic. I'm a engineer, so I know exactly what you mean with the wall of air. I started out trying to make the magic system as "real" as possible, in that you had to change things within the natural order, but it wasn't very exciting. There are some sections this didn't work out as well. Thanks for pointing that one out. I have an idea how I might fix it.... Again, thanks so much for reading through. I'm excited it held your interest. If you think of anything else, let me know, and I hope to have your review up soon!

This was good--I had trouble finding critiques, and most of them are questions about the world, which might be answered if there is more to this... pg 11: the description of running through the archive isn't clear. At first I thought Eiji was still in the cell and had locked the door. Now the questions. I'm glad you say this will be part of a larger work, because I'm ready to read chapter 2. If your question of myth refers to the Quatlmander, then yes, that came across. As to satisfaction and conclusions... Why does Bazaarat smell of rot and decay? Is it because it's in the desert? Also, it might be good to qualify what is harder than bone. Is brick harder? Is clay harder? Baked clay vs. soft clay? You mention wood, but the city seems to be in a dry plain. Do they even have enough wood/bamboo/paper to build a city? I would think in this environment, they might have to build out of clay and sand, if they want to only have things softer than bone. Are utensils and bowls all made out of wood as well? Do they actually use bone as a building product? If so, they could have bone bowls and cups--probably easier to shape with a shortage of wood. Why is the king (or father to the princess at least) roaming outside the city with his daughter and trying to steal a book? Why would the royalty need to steal something that belongs to the city? This could easily be overlooked now if this was part of a larger book, but if this is to stand alone, you might need a one-line explanation from Eiji. You also don't address anything about Andrew's magic and what he did in Ohtek lands. Again, not a problem in a larger book, but here, that is what defines him (he is an outcast from the city because of it) yet you say little about it, and he never uses his powers even though that's the point of him coming to town. Not a deal-breaker by any means, but I do want to know more to be satisfied. It does have a nice conclusion, but begs for more to come. I'm ready to read more!