Mandamon

Chapter 5 of Physical Magic. Previously: Silluka gets picked up for her coming-of-age, but fails because of her "stump" of a right arm. However, one of the elders takes an interest in her, and sets her to decode an ancient scroll that doesn't require the use of her missing right forearm and hand. Silluka also meets Hufi, the sadistic head of staff, and Papaki, a nice boy with a limp and a lisp. Ichu takes in the harvest, but it's less that usual. He uses magic to bolster his body for the trip to town, but his aching joints means the magic is less dependable and he has to repeat the Chayu to get to the village. Once there, he speaks to the other farmers, who say their crops are failing too. They plan to parctice a Chayu to call the goddess Aunt Harvest to help them. Feedback on the usual is appreciated: What's cool, what's boring, what doesn't work, what you don't understand.

Well, I'll go ahead and put in a request for the 23rd. I've done 4 weeks in a row, so I'll drop back if we have too many.

Great comments from everyone. Interesting thoughts on Ichu's personality. I hadn't thought of the stoic vs. worrywort and will have to read over it to figure out what I want to do with it. andyk, yes, forcing the Council into action is not shown well. I need to fix that part. jParker, I know why you're feeling the call to Aunt Harvest is contrived. Reading back through it, I haven't described the political environment of the Huaca well, More information would give a better reason why they would rather lose a few people than call for help. Rohmert's law: Hadn't heard of it before, but I looked it up. Thanks for bringing it up! I want to say the Chayus make body processes more efficient, so the law takes longer to wear a body out and they aren't stricken afterwards. Or, I suppose I could say "magic." I'll think on it. yankorro, Re. magic systems, your writing style makes more sense now! As to the two storylines intersecting, that's part of what I'm having trouble with. They will, but around 10 chapters in I started wondering "where am I going with this," (even having an outline) which is why I decided to submit it here. I tend to like Silluka's story better overall, but it depends on which POV I'm writing. Thanks again for the great comments. This is helping to put me on track for the rest of the story. I want to submit at least two more chapters, and depending on how much I have to change, I may drop out and do some revision.

Chatarra: I liked this. It almost feels like one of the interludes I've been ranting on about, but in this instance it works, because that's what the story is about. Both Subhash and Sajid had good character depth, even though the story was short. The only part I wasn't sure about was the very end. Subhash is going home, but he's walking away from the dumpster and TV. I assume maybe he's going to get something before he leaves? But it doesn't really work because he's moving away from his objective as the story ends. Maybe have him climb in the dumpster instead? Diamond: Well this one was something new. It's a completely different style from your usual. I liked the basic premise, but felt the story itself was incomplete, or didn't have a strong direction. Mats has no clear objective, aside from bedding potential model candidates, and so almost acts as a secondary character to Annie, who is the one who changes. In the end, she does change, and leaves, and Mats just goes back to what he was doing before. There's no challenge, and nothing really accomplished, as Annie's transformation didn't seem to help or hinder her relationship with her husband (versus Subhash finally getting to go home...). I'm not sure if Mats actually saw the original Annie as a type of perfection, which was then ruined, or if it was merely an afternoon's infatuation for him. Fun reads!

Welcome to Reading Excuses! I should say first that I missed that this was a short story, and so the ending threw me. Some of the comments I made were me thinking about what comes next, and not that this would be the end of the story as well. You do have a lot of character development for a short story, but I agree with andyk on the amount of backstory. Also, for the beginning of a novel, I was completely fine with the Master of Truth coming in when he did, but thinking about it as a short story, it's definitely too late in the story arc. Same thing with the boy. If this is as far as the story goes, we need to know Kadrian's objectives. Overall: an interesting story, and it captured my interest. With the worldbuilding, it feels more like an epilogue to a longer story, though, as if we should know these characters already (and hence the Master of Truth coming in late). This throws the story off slightly. The mention of the shadow wielders in particular made me think there was more coming that would explain the magic of the world. You also have a lack of description (and I get accused of this as well). I can tell you have the city, environs, and people thought out in your head, but there isn't much in the story to help me visualize it. Some other notes: pg 1: ceremonially --not sure this is the correct usage. Maybe "he nestled the dagger with ceremony?" There are some run-on sentences, especially near the beginning: first line: "Kadrian sank down and backed into where the stack of crates stood against the brick wall and spied through the narrow space." pg 9:"Kadrian looked over at the boy with his arms stretched up above his head making the small couch look huge." pg 6: "something felt different. But oddly, everything was just as he remembered it. Abruptly he realized what had changed. Tarril’s house was exactly as it was before. He wasn't." --We don't know the character enough to emphasize with him that something has changed. Thus you're just telling us that he changed, and not how. Show us how he changed. pg 9: "excited sneer" isn't that sort of contradictory? pg 10 top: I had to read this paragraph several times to make sense of it. I think Manny is driving the cart they are in? But you don't say this directly, and I'm left wondering why you've brought up Manny and what he is doing. pages 10-12 have a lack of description. Kadrian and Jasper are hiding in a cart, but I don't know how. Are they hiding under goods, or under a tarp, or behind something? What does Kadrian peek over? bottom of pg 12: or is he not hiding at all? It seems like the guard can see him easily. Pg 14: Ah. I thought this was the beginning of a story, not a short story, so the ending caught me off guard. It makes the rest of it make more sense, though.

Welcome to Reading Excuses! Overall, good writing. I was interested in the story, and want to read more. I'm getting a sort of mid-east/fertile crescent vibe from the worldbuilding, so good work on that. Some notes: There are lots of names on the first page. Most of them are not repeated later on, and just clutter up the story because the reader is trying to remember them while getting into the story. Either give a little more to each person to remember them by, or reduce the names to let the introduction shine through. But I do agree with Yankorro on the tags in general (being one of those he is referring to ) Along with tags, the flow of the writing is a little choppy. You tend to have a lot of short action sentences next to each other: "He grabbed Galen by the shoulders. Galen stopped pacing. Tarrito looked Galen in the eyes. The pain in them was evident." Which makes the reader start. to. read. like. this. If you combine two sentences here and there, it will read smoother. Last, I'm not completely sold on Tarrito's character. This may sound harsh from just reading a few pages, but the feeling grew as I read more. He seems to be very squeamish, non-confrontational, and not especially good at getting the job done. That's fine for a character in general, but I'm having trouble believing that he's survived as a spy in a hostile, violent town for five years without 1) getting caught or 2) getting beaten to a bloody pulp. He goes to the poor district to get meet his main contact and can't even fend off a group of petty criminals. I have to think that's he been there many times to find Galen. What did he do the other times? Did he avoid the alchemists every single other time? Again, this is a little harsh, and you may explain everything in the next chapter, but this is what came to mind while reading. I'm interested to see where this story goes!

Chapter 4 of Physical Magic. Previously: Silluka gets picked up for her coming-of-age, but fails because of her "stump" of a right arm. However, one of the elders takes an interest in her, and sets her to decode an ancient scroll that doesn't require the use of her missing right forearm and hand. Silluka also meets Hufi, the sadistic head of staff, and Papaki, a nice boy with a limp and a lisp. Ichu takes in the harvest, but it's less that usual. He uses magic to bolster his body for the trip to town, but his aching joints means the magic is less dependable. Feedback on the usual is appreciated: What's cool, what's boring, what doesn't work.

I'd also like to submit on the 16th. Looks like we already have three including me, so I can drop back if we get too many.

Thanks to you all. Writing this section was what made me want to really finish the story in the first place. Your comments on the description from last week helped me on a final edit of this before i submitted it. And that's why it's so frustrating! I'm beginning to wonder if the rest of my planned story arc isn't solid. I think I need to do some brainstorming on future events.The next chapter has some more action in it for Ichu.

pg 2: I'm a little confused with the voices in his head vs. the Torc. When Varus is standing over the grave, it seems like he had the voices in his head for a while during campaigning, but the Torc's voice is newer. I looked back at chapter 1 and it seems both the voices and the Torc's voice appeared at the same time? pg 3: I almost thought the daughter was the young wife, she was so commanding. pg 11: "Varus scratched his chin. Sunlight scorched patches of skin forever reddened by the Gaulish priest's magic." --You haven't really mentioned his scars except for the wine spilling and here. I was seeing a fully healed soldier in my mind. Not sure you told what the result of the Gaulish healing was--how extensive his scars are. Very nice writing. Not a lot happens here (seems all the submissions this week are slow chapters), but I still feel immersed in the story because you expand the characters so much. I have a good sense for the family ties, as well as the relation, and awkwardness, between General and Soldier and Murena and Varus. One possible issue is that you mention the voices in Varus' head and, in the first chapter, the eponymous Fire in the Blood, but I don't see a lot of conflict within Varus. Does he have to keep either or both at bay? Are they trying to rise up? I would think Fire in the Blood would lead to some internal strife, but Varus seems pretty chill. I don't yet have a sense of the direction of the story, but I'm interested to see what happens.

Once again, I'm in agreement with Andyk: 2nd paragraph, lots of passive tense pg 1: "What he did not know was that planting was a very delicate procedure, requiring precise timing and weather. " --if he doesn't know it, he can't narrate it. pg 2: placket --had to look that one up. pf 4: "Some jokes are just too bad not to laugh at." --yep. So again, Good writing and good characterization. I'm starting to like Elmer and I'm getting a feel for the townsfolk, but he's just not doing anything. We have a few hints of why he's in town, and other strange things might be happening at night. Aside from that, Elmer fends off a woman, has a day, and then goes to bed. I'm sure there's some plot here and I'm eager to hear what it is. You've got my attention, now follow through on your delivery. I think the issue is that Elmer just observes. The best way to generate conflict is have two characters interact. So give Elmer the job he's looking for, and maybe he finds out about farming in the mix. The bit with Colby was good because it showed us family relations, as well as having action. I would question why you're interested in telling us about Legacy before you have the plot rolling. Get us caught up in the action, or have something strange happen in the night, and then we'll start to wonder about this little town with all the conflict in it. I'll gladly listen to exposition on Legacy then.

Sounds like Andyk and I are in agreement about pretty much everything. Interlude: I like that this firmly places the manticore as real and an objective. I was at first surprised to see it flying, but then looked it up, and manticores are depicted both with and without wings. Learn something new everyday... pg 2-3: I would be careful that this section doesn't get too preachy. It's fairly long for Rose to ultimately just push the preacher out, so unless something comes of it later, you might cut it down. pg 4: "Weeks and months went by" --this again. Rose seems to have given up on searching for the Manticore with any determination, and I'm left wondering what the book is about. I'm not saying the search won't take months, but the pace of the story has changed quite a bit. the first 6 chapters were a day-by-day accounting about searching for the Manticore, and now you've moved to week-by-week or even month-by-month. There's especially a contrast with the interlude. If the Manticore is out flying around, someone is sure to have seen it. pg 4-5: For what reason did Rose suddenly have to ford a dangerous stream, in winter, and put all their lives at risk (not to mention killing a horse)? I guess this is to reach Mercedes, but you never say, and I don't remember them having to cross the river before. It seems random and nearly psychotic. Also, I'm not sure how the horse drowned but the much smaller and shorter people did not. pg 6: If a woman rescued a young boy from doing rather strange dances at an all-male club, my first thought would not be to accuse her of (of believe that she was responsible for) child molestation. Maybe the reputation of Gogo a-Go-Go is not well known, but I doubt it.

Here's chapter 3 of Physical Magic. Previously: Silluka gets picked up for her coming-of-age, but fails because of her "stump" of a right arm. However, one of the elders takes an interest in her, and sets her to decode an ancient scroll that doesn't require the use of her missing right forearm and hand. Silluka also meets Hufi, the sadistic head of staff, and Papaki, a nice boy with a limp and a lisp. This chapter introduces the second POV character in the story... Feedback on the usual is appreciated: What's cool, what's boring, what doesn't work. I've edited some based on responses here on lack of descriptions, so let me know how this comes across. Tell me what's wrong and why I can't get into writing this story!

I'd also like to submit on Monday again.

Thanks for the contrasting opinion! You're on the right track that magic is so prevalent it's accorded the same function as technology. I think this is really the same problem as before. I have a world I'm excited to share, but it's not all coming across in the story, and that vague thing is what I need to fix. The next bit has a different structure to it, so I'm wondering if the worldbuilding will come across worse or better. I really like Silluka, but I get what you're saying about the cleverness vs. age. I'll have to find some way to balance that out.

Thanks to both of you. I think you're hitting some of the points I need to work on. Some of my frustration is that I have a very clear picture of this world, but not a lot of it is coming across in the writing. I need to add in more description, but I'm having problems finding where without infodumping. Hopefully better description will get across some of the anachronistic terms. I do mean that the complex is a research center, as the elders serve as the progressive workforce in this world. Hope I can get that across with some better wording. Probably need to change the nomenclature... The next two chapters are from the secondary viewpoint in the book before I go back to Silluka, and I'm interested to see what you think.

Aha! Then I shall post in the correct place... I like that Rose has some more involvement and you've brought Martin back into the picture. However, I wasn't excited to see the chapter opening with Rose once again traversing the distance and 3 days back to Angeltown. It feels like we only get a hint of the Manticore, which I assume is the main point of the story, and then get dragged back to Angeltown. Also, that the reporters know about her troubles with the hillfolk seems strange. If they're that reclusive, how did the tales get back to town before her? Telling about the police officer brings home that we never saw any response from that incident. She kneed the officer, and then nothing else happened. Aside from that, the interaction between Rose, Martin, and the Journalists was well done, and got across some good information pg 3: Maxi in a tutu and mascara is kind of creepy. pg 5: Some confusion at the start of Chapter 8. It's almost like a continuation of Chapter 2, where she's finding a place to sleep. Also, she rode 3 days back to town, I assume to look for Prince, randomly rescued Maxi, and then left? I guess she decided not to look for Prince after all? I agree with Andyk that Rose is sort of aimless. pg 5: Wait, they're staying here for weeks? What happened to the manticore search? Why didn't Rose outfit this place before she went out the first time? pg 7: If Jimmer and Marta's house is near the refuge, and they've been there for weeks, wouldn't they have met already? Also, I doubt Maxi can pick up (coherent) reading and writing in a matter of a few weeks. As Andyk says, having him able to read and write would be simpler. This installment had some confusion in terms of plot points and timelines, especially in Chapter 8, but overall I do like that the story is picking up and bit and more things are happening. I'm more interested now in the next chapter.

Here's chapter 2 of Physical Magic. In the first chapter, Silluka gets picked up for her coming-of-age, but fails because of her "stump." However, one of the elders takes an interest in her... Feedback on the usual is appreciated: What's cool, what's boring, what doesn't work. Tell me what's wrong...

I'd like to submit chapter 2 for next week, if that's alright.

Two McMillion--also thank to you for the feedback! I missed yours when replying as the website was being unresponsive. Interesting that you mention Elantris and the philosophy (and much thanks for the comparison!). Sanderson actually likes to do the modern ethics/thinking in primitive society a lot. He did it in Elantris with Sarene and in Mistborn with Vin (which, of course, is where I get some of my inspiration for a young, strong female character). You're on the right track that philosophy is more advanced here than technology. That said, I do get your point that it was a bit blatant in the first chapter. I'm guessing it's similar to what the others are picking up on with too much exposition. There are big divides in this society between age, education, and physical handicaps, but it sounds like I need to tone it down a bit and spread out the explanation.

Thanks for the responses. jParker--glad you liked Silluka. I was a little worried about putting an actual disabled character as the lead in case I caused offense (by not portraying it well), but I think so far it's working. I'm interested to see what you think in the next few chapters. yankorro--nope, avoiding the HP vibe. It goes a different direction in the next chapter. Both of you have the response I was hoping for on the magic system. I'm wondering what you think as it progresses. There is another cultural basis in the story which becomes more evident later. Looking forward to the first one to spot it. The big takeaway seems to be the reaction to the teenagers and the exposition. I'll look at that on the edit. I'm hoping to post at least the first 5 chapters (I have 11 written) as that should be enough to get a feel from the piece and maybe discover what direction I need to go with it.

I'm glad they're actually on the search now, but they don't seem to be getting anywhere yet. There is some good worldbuilding as to what happened with the war/the Crunch (which I think are different things?). I don't have a very good idea of where they are and how they're traveling. pg 1: Which town is this? The last chapter, Rose was in the mountains with the Hillfolk. I got the feeling it was sort of rustic with people in little shacks, but no big town or market. They were in the woods, then in a town, then wandering out in the mountains again, but are they going the same direction? In a circle? Zig-zagging? pg 5: Aha! Manticore tracks...no, wait, a false alarm. pg 6: Aha! Surely now the Manticore is...wait, no...just the rocks creaking. As Two McMillion says, I'm still not convinced there actually is a Manticore. From everyone's response, it seems more like a folk tale. pg 7: The list of questions with no context takes me out of the story a little. Also, it's a very scientific list. It's too formal for what I get out of the rest of the story. pg 9: Aaaannnd Prince leaves again. Aren't they way out in the middle of nowhere? Where would he go? Nice to get some more of his history. Still don't know a lot about where Rose came from and why she was in jail and met Prince's aunt.

Note--I forgot this was for NaNo, so I may be a bit harsh. I'm sure this will get better with a once-over. The first page is a just a lengthy description of Elmer sleeping in. I found my attention wandering and waiting for something to happen. Also, he gets up, arranges his shaving equipment, and then goes back to sleep? I'm referring to: "Some time later, Elmer grew tired of sleeping—for it was very tiring business—and left his room." But this is after him arranging his things. "presumed-kitchen" --the reader can assume the thing in back of the bar is the kitchen. "She was at least a head and a half shorter" --than Elmer? Bishop? “Go duck your belt.” --this made me laugh. pg 4: wait...why are they calling him Alan now? --you answer this the next page, but I think it's Elmer's complete lack of response that threw me. We're in his head, so we expect an instantaneous response of "that's not my name." pg 5: "feigning chastity" I don't know what this means, unless it's in relation to a prostitute. As you said, it's another slow start. After two more chapters, I'm still waiting for something to happen. I don't mean that you have to start in media res, with guns blazing, but on the other hand, six pages of getting out of bed, going downstairs, eating lunch, and then finally asking about the bill is not that interesting. I still don't know anything about Elmer, where he came from, why he's looking for work, or what the landscape is like. You mention they're far away from Arame, and also far from Harper. I don't know where those are, so that doesn't tell me anything except that the town is off the beaten track, and you already told us that. As Two McMillion said, You've got some leeway from the Angel scene, but we've got to know something else soon.

Very similar comments to the others. Tight writing and very engaging, and you managed to put a lot into a short story. It feels like there's a lot behind this, even though you don't have room to talk about it. However, like the others, I was sort of confused by the logistics. Were they were playing poker with the regular cards? Some of the alternate names threw me. also, why did the old lady's spell take the Apache, if he won the hand, but the Rick beat her in the end? I wasn't completely clear on what she did to set the spell in place. Did it require her to win, or make certain plays? Overall very engaging, but you might want to a few more sentences or words of explanation, at the risk of making it longer.

Gah...sorry about the triple post. Chrome just freaked out on me. I can't seem to delete. Can an Administrator clean up the other two posts?