Mandamon

Cool! Quite a few!

Out of curiosity, where are you published? I haven't done a lot of short stories as mine tend to get lengthy, but if you have some good sites accepting submissions, I might try submitting some of the ones I've done (or writing more).

I'm in the same boat. This may have potential after October timeframe when the folks involved get done with Write About Dragons.

Thanks for the answers. I've come across the same problem while I write. What I've found is to make sure you include the things that, if left out, make readers go "Huh? That doesn't make sense," at the cost of potentially taking out something cool, that takes up more room. Also, something I've been working on lately is making sure my sentences do two things at once. For example, you could have Ryan looking around the room at his sorry situation, but his eyes passing across Candice without seeing her (thus you remark on his situation and that he can't see Candice, at the same time). This gets rid of some of the info-dumping.

I agree. All these stories focus on movement rather than dreams. Of course this leads me to a Back to the Future quote: "It runs on steam!" Also, in terms on marketing, you might want to make a difference between steampunk and gearpunk. Clockwork tends to fall more in the gearpunk category. Clockwork Science? Running Toward Steam?

No, I wouldn't have put it down. This is only the fourth chapter, and I'd be willing to give it a chapter or two more for a reveal of what's going on. The big point here is that this is the first "job" and that's where you have to start giving some of the reasoning behind things. Right now we don't know how Candice was sent there, what she was really supposed to do (kill? not kill? save?) and why this guy was chosen. That means the reader is just going along with you on faith (pardon the pun). You're going to have to give something pretty soon so the reader can at the very least supply their own insight as to what will happen next, to provide a sense of suspense. Right now there's no suspense because I have absolutely no idea what's going to happen next. My thoughts range from Candice getting kicked out of assassin work (probably not) to Ryan being a plant, to this being a test to show she's not supposed to kill, to a first failure where she tries again...so on. A long answer to your question, but hope it helps.

Comments as I read: Pg1: both of first sentences are passive voice. pg1: She can't touch anything without it hurting? That's really going to limit her action. Also, I'm not sure whether she's visible or not. pg 1: "She was trouble alright. That much was certain. But what kind of trouble, and what authority figures she had to be wary of, had significantly changed since last she walked the earth. " --I had to read this section twice. You're saying she's trouble, but she's the one running away. I got your intent, but it took a couple tries. Pg 5: Candice is really angst-ridden about murdering someone. I would be too, but this also undermines what you've told us about her being a "bad girl." I would think she's used to doing what she had to to get the job done. pg 7: "If this would-be thief were to get caught and tossed in jail, it would be nearly impossible for her to complete her assignment." --This made me wonder how Candice arrived on Earth again. I suppose she went down the elevator, but where does she get off? If the guy gets thrown in jail, can she just ride the elevator down to his cell? --I assume by this point that she's invisible to humans, but you don't actually say. pg 12: "after which she could turn as many doorknobs as she liked, with hands soaked in blood. " --so does she make an impression on the world or not? Is she invisible, but corporeal? or does she have to manifest in some way? pg 14-19: I'm not sure what Ryan's POV adds, except to get an outside view of Candace holding the sword. You could still get that point across from her perspective. It seems strange to switch to him briefly after so long in Candace's POV. Plus, you rehash some of the story, which adds some unneeded length to the chapter for a character who (I assume) we won't see again. So...I'm unsure of what happened at the end. I looked up the quote that appears on Candace's chest, and it has to do with stopping one who is stealing. I'm not sure whether it applies to what she did with Ryan, or some sin she's been purged of, or both. In any case, I'm confused as to why she got the brand when she was sent to kill. I'm guessing we'll find out more of the reasoning in the next chapter. To me this ties into the lack of information on the Contract. We don't know exactly what Candace is doing, and why Ryan was a target--he seems a pretty sorry specimen for Heaven to target to kill off. Still interested to see what happens next, but I'd like to get some clarification on what she's doing and why.

I haven't seen many pieces dealing with playing a host--I like the switch. Overall, this is good, and captures the attention. It's different. I agree with Jagabond on the length, or at least the content. I thought the reveal at the end didn't have enough punch. We don't really get any contact with the alien, so we can't get any hint of what it's going through. Then Julian figures out the problem in a paragraph or so, and has the solution (and the solution to the peace talks). I'd like to see more of the interaction and realization between Julian and the alien. As to title, I'd pick something dealing with both the alien's and Julian's problems with being alone, and how they deal with their issues...and...I can't think of anything good off the top of my head.

Wait--the reading excuses version got a map! Now I'll have to read both! also feeling like I'm missing out when I don't comment here as well. But I think everyone else caught the same things I did--especially the multiple POVs I'll argue a little on the sexist comments with Jagabond. I really liked the phrase "preserve her ample modesty," in that she's both covered and...ample. While yes, the men weren't described the same way, it also gives a lot of flavor to the setting and how people might dress. For someone to be described like that (to me) is more a sign of the what is normal in the setting vs. what our conceptions are now. Leigh Butler has a great thread on the "read of Ice and Fire" on Tor.com and makes some great comments on how GRRM portrays the views against women in the Game of Thrones books, while still making a good point vs. today's society.

Ha! Me either. I don't think any of us here are. I just meant that when I read it, it fell into a sort of rhythm: Da DUM da da dum dum, Da DUM da da da. It almost has the same start as a limerick...not really, but it put me in that mind. A limerick is usually a piece of silly writing and this seemed a lot more serious in tone. Then for the rest of the poem I was trying to reconcile the two and it threw me off. I know that's not very concrete, but then, that's also why I don't usually critique poetry.

Garden of Roses: Alright, I'll stick my neck out here and try to touch on the poetry a little. Take all the below with a big warning sticker. I don't generally do poetry, so my critiques here are suspect. It's a fairly standard story of a relationship betrayal, if you assume yellow roses are friendship, and blue and black are revenge/evil/betrayal of some sort. I don't know the official meaning for those. (Edit--my guesses were pretty correct based on your meanings, if the "death" is of the romance and not the person.) If you want critiques on style or format, the rhythm of the poem doesn't flow as well as it could to my ear. This format of 10-11 syllables per line lends itself to a faster, lighter reading cadence, which doesn't work as well with the tone of the poem. Showers: The biggest thing about this that hit was the sense of no hope. I tend to be an optimist, so I want to find something that could be better. I would hope there is a turnaround in store, or at least a conclusion what is happening here. Like jParker says, there's no real conclusion, so rather than reading like flash fiction, it's just a brief vignette going nowhere particular. Look up "If you were a dinosaur, my love," which was a piece of flash fiction on this year's Hugo ballot. It's barely longer than what you have, and packs an emotional punch.

Good work on the updates. Specifics are what's wanting, to my mind. Both of those edits adds some specifics the reader can place and judge as to "bad-girl-ness." However, I'll second Robinksi's comment that it then brings up the question of why the family deserves it, which gets vague again. When you're telling why she's bad rather than showing, the reader doesn't get to make their own judgement and has to rely on yours.

Very nice worldbuilding. You write description very well. I like the hints dropped in while you build it up during the first chapter. It gives me the feeling of a 1900's- 1930's era steampunk setting (steampunk because of the metal leg and contraptions on the stage). Two things that seemed odd: 1) cigarettes. I don't know why particularly. This is obviously an alternate world, but they have many things we do such as alchoholic drinks. I don't know why cigarettes crossing over seems strange, except maybe I've never seen it before. If so, congrats! The jazz mentioned later on affected me the same way. 2) Seems others had the same reaction here. I'm assuming Calum/Kinetic are the same person. It's strange that Iain always refers to him as "Calum" and everone else as "Kinetic," even when speaking to each other. I'm not sure whether it's a first name/last name thing, or Iain has a different form of address. Add to that I'm familiar with the engineering definition of "Kinetic," which also messes me up. HOWEVER, we get a good transition with this later on (pg 14), sort of hanging a lantern on how Iain always addresses him differently. I'm satisfied. Like Endurant, I didn't catch that Iain was reviewing the show until he sat down. I thought he was just another artist, watching the show, though it seems like he may have been on the stage as well, in the past. I'm still a little hazy on how exactly Influence and wavepainting work. Are they permanent changes? Are they only used for art? Perfectly reasonable to still have questions after the first chapter, so I'm looking forward to the answers. I liked this a lot, and I'm eager to see the next chapter. You've set up a good tension between Iain and pretty much everyone around him, and drawn a lot of questions to his past. I'll echo jParker: now the other chapters have to be as good as this one!

Aha--I see Endurant figured out the problem I had with the Contract. Also ties in to what I was saying about not knowing Candace's crimes. Other notes are below: I like the scene where Candace tries out her wings. It gives a bit of humor to the situation and we see her panicked for once, even though she gets it under control quickly. I didn't have too much problem with the space. I knew she was in a small room, but I didn't get the impression she lifted off from the ground. Pg 1, Paul gets out of his chair and sits on the desk Pg 3, Paul leans back in his chair. You don't say that he sat back down. I said this last time, but I still don't believe in Candace's punishment based solely on her stealing religious artifacts. She's already said she won't kill, and that's usually the biggest bump on the path to being condemned to eternal hellfire. You haven't given me enough evidence to understand why she is so heavily condemned, or why she in particular is being chosen for this job rather than someone more...Hellish. Pg 10: Wait, the Contract has only been around 1500 years? I'm wondering what event triggered it. I started to lose interest when Paul started talking details about the deal, around page 12. I think you're telling here more than showing. Pg 17: was Paul considered a monk? This felt a little too long for a chapter. I was ready to get on with the job about halfway through. Also something still nags at me about the whole situation with Candance and the Contract, but I'm not sure what. Maybe that her actions are railroaded with no real explanation behind it. (Endurant's explanation is much better than mine). Generally, though, I'm still interested and want to see what her first job is like.

I'm about halfway through the first set of videos. Good info on how to critique! Started writing tonight...500+ words. Thought I should write some more. Checked again....900. Got excited over the section I was writing...stopping at 1300 words for tonight. Going to watch some more videos!

Trying to adjust my critiquing style a la the videos... Did Paul change into Solomon? First off, I like the nuances you create between the characters. You can tell a lot about the relationships between them just by the words. So much so, that some of the explanations and dialogue spoken by others after an explanation seem unneeded: “How many Bryth?” Solomon’s heart was starting to beat faster, wondering how many archers had died because of his orders. “Twenty-two.” Bryth was grim. Twenty-two? Solomon sighed, hanging his head. My first true command and we lost twenty-two men? That’s a third of them! I got Solomon's emotion from the first comment. The later ones were unneeded. LIke Andyk, I'm also starting to notice some of the lack of setting. It's hard to tell where things are happening and how much time has passed. There's also no detail on the Axians. Are these just another batch of humans? What is their armor like? How are they differentiated from the Krytians? I think the hardest part I have with reading this so far is that I don't understand the stakes of what they're fighting for. Enjoying it though, and I look forward to more.

I like that tagline better... I guess we'll see how it works after the first week. I'll probably want to read all of everyone's work, just so I get the whole story.

I like it. ...ok one quibble (since it's me). Is this one person or multiple? "HIs/her" vs "their" I was thinking about the 1000 words a week this morning. I'll write more than that on good day, but this also gives me a chance to do reworks, as well as watching the videos. I think I'm going to start with a goal of 1000 words, and if I go over, then I'll spend a little more time on outlining or editing before I submit. I did write a couple sentences just to find the into to my story, but that's it, I promise! Going to watch the intro now (secretly!) --Edit: ok, now I'm confused about the math. We're not writing 1000 words a week, we're writing 3000 a week to have 30k in 10 weeks. Are we only submitting 1000 of the 3000 per week, or all 3000?

@ Sunshine - they all sound good! Go for the one where you can put your characters through the most grief! @Endurant - I've had this universe bouncing around in my brain for almost 20 years, from when I was a young teenager. Seeds of Dissolution went through about 5 complete rewrites (as in none of the words are the same) before getting to the newest version. Lots of things got cut away before the whole gelled together. I have one other short story in the universe written, an outline for book 2, and have been wanting to do some backstories for a while.

I think I actually said about the same thing last time, though not at length: From March 17th: "I agree with andyk that the tone is still inconsistent. Whatever your religious (or not) bent, I think people would have trouble accepting saints encouraging murder. Wouldn't they instead coerce them to do better with their lives? Even Batman doesn't kill, and he's a pretty dark character." But please don't take these reactions as "I hate your book." These are (hopefully) constructive criticisms based on the personalities of the few readers on this forum. It's what we thought of while we read it...our reader reactions. I'll repeat what I said the first time you submitted these chapters: KEEP WRITING. You may have better responses when posting chapters 3+. Often the first couple chapters of a book end up getting thrown away entirely or vastly changed. Let us see more of the story, get more into in, and then decide whether to keep posting or not.

Endurant: That's because it's my universe . I posted the first 14 chapters of the finished book on here last year. The full version (though not the final updated one) is on the Alpha Readers folder in Dropbox. Robinski was kind enough to do a full read-through for me, so he might get a little more out of the Novella... Google Docs seems to work. I'll probably end up writing in Word on my computer and then pasting in for the submissions.

(Tangenting all over...) I was reminded of the "Fallout" games once you start to get into it. I still have a bit left to play, I believe, but I'm interested if there is some worldbuilding explanation at the end.

I also noticed the change in tone. it didn't bug me as much, but I did notice it was there. However, I was also put off by attitudes of the inhabitants of heaven/purgatory. I don't have particularly strong connections to the Christian religion, but I had a similar reaction to what I find wrong with most ficton about most heaven vs. hell or heaven interfering with daily life. Whether you believe it or not, heaven, angels, apostles, what have you, are placed in a situation where they are morally beneath some humans, which is opposite to their description. Thus you've set up a strawman argument where humans can justifiably wage a war against heaven and win because they can be morally superior. Thus you potentially negate the concept of a heaven or afterlife. My opinions, of course, but this is the sort of mental spiral I go into whenever I watch something like Dogma or Constantine, or even playing Diablo. Compare this to Good Omens, which also concerns both an angel and a demon and lots of religious stuff, but they are concerned with the flawed actions of humans that will bring around Armageddon, not the actions of either Heaven or Hell. Suddenly it becomes about (flawed) humans making their own choices. --Not sure if I'm actually making sense with all this rambling, so I'll get off the soapbox now... Some general comments: pg 1: "A skinny elevator operator appeared from inside the lift" --I was confused here, as I first thought Candice was already inside the lift... pg 3: "What the hell is this guy rambling about?" --some of the internal thoughts seemed unnecessary, telling instead of showing. pg 8: "twelve-and-one-half feet, square." --would she know this offhand?

I have a couple pages of outline for mine as well. The worldbuilding is mostly complete, as I've re-visiting the Seeds of Dissolution universe. I'm telling some of the backstory of when two of the characters, Origon and Rilan, went on their first big adventure, 19 years previous. They're hunting down a rogue Majus. I've wanted to do this for a while, and I'm hoping to make it accessible both for first time readers and ones who have read the novel (hey--we happen to have both here!). My challenges are reverting the characters to a less experienced time, and trying to get the relationship right.

(more tangent...) I also watch Extra Credits for the mechanics aspect, though I do play a fair bit of games. There's a lot of useful stuff. If you haven't tried the third one they mentioned--Frog Fractions--it's also really fun. Takes about 2 hours to play through and it's very humorous, especially if you're familiar with old-style games.