Mandamon

Merciless...check. This was...interesting. It was engaging, and the story as a whole was good, but the writing was very disjointed, to the point that I had trouble following it at times. I got the overall gist of it, but the description of the world, the academies, and the Exulted was so brief I didn't really get anything from it. Why was there an old world and a new, and what was the difference? Is it still on earth? In space? A new place of existence (i.e. the Archangel)? It made me think it was all just a plot device to set up the twist at the end, which it was, in a way... You say multiple times that Lily is not bright, but I don't really get that from her actions. She's probably the most insightful one there. I would have liked a little more characterization of the Archangel to say why he was so highly revered, and whether he was human or not. Notes as I read: I had to read the first sentence about 5 times to figure out what it meant. I was thinking "Graffiti" was a person at first, and that really threw me off. pg 3: "In the following weeks, the students show Lily that Angel’s support comes in the form of supply crates, left just far enough from the campus that the Exulted don’t bother." --I was confused by this. I don't have a good enough sense of the campus and the surroundings. Why not just drop supplies into the compound. Isn't it guarded? pg 5: "I was looking into the Library of Alexandria for,” she says." Missing word, or was this intentional? Either way, it's jarring. pg 9: “I don’t miss,” Nate says, without pride. “Otto recognized her voice when we hacked their comms, this time.” He leans forward, grips the metal sides of her bed. “I really hope you’re about to tell me you’ve betrayed the Archangel.” -I had to read this a couple times to realize Nate was saying the Director betrayed them, not Lily. pg 9: "We can’t scan any Old World tech like." -another missing word? Overall, good story and twist, but that's all on the surface. I want something more underneath to resonate with me why the world is like it is. It also needs to be cleaned up for clarity somewhat.

I'm also not very good at parsing short fiction, but you have captured a state of being, and a certain emotion, very well. There are still a few sections where the sentences could be tightened up, especially in the last paragraph. While it's short, there was still a sort of arc to the story, and even a conclusion, which gives a believable end to the scene.

I think the key word here is "skeleton." I'd be fine with a complete chapter or thought from later in the book, but I'd rather critique a well edited submission where I don't waste time telling you nitpicky things that you'll pick up on a later read through. It's also harder (for me) to get an idea of where the book is headed if the scenes are out of order.

You have distinct characters, and I don't think there are too many. I got a little confused with the consistency of the addresses. In the first half you refer to "Priscilla," and in the second half "Davis." I had to check back to make sure someone else didn't enter the room. This scene is a lot of sitting and talking, and while I understand you're introducing characters, nothing really happens except for Dan and Priscilla arguing. Nina is not active, and doesn't even speak for most of the chapter. I feel like a lot of this could have happened off screen without us really missing anything. The argument between Dan and Priscilla was rather trivial for the amount of arguing and stomping around. Sinead is also overly hostile. Maybe that's the norm for newsrooms, but it seems like everyone needs to take a deep breath. On the "transition" section, I don't think you necessarily need anything else. It cuts some of the non-relevant information to get back to forward movement. Some notes: pg 4: "laconically sank into" --I don't think you can laconically sink... pg 6: "Nina didn't seem to hear her," It's Ninas POV so she either did or didn't hear. There are a lot of "well"s in this chapter.

I was thinking about this a few days ago. The in-line comments on the drive really help me place exactly where a reaction took place and what the response was. Having others chime about their reactions makes a better pool of responses. The comments section can get very crowded, especially if there are any small grammar comments, but it's fairly easy to scroll through and line up the right comment to the right section. I'd be in favor of it.

I thought this was one of the best parts of your worldbuilding. I immediately got the Cats/Kits reference and the retro 50's vibe. More along these lines is what you need to create the 2034 atmosphere. General societal uniqueness is what will make this memorable rather than smart watches and talking cars.

I have my comments as I read below. To answer your question on worldbuilding, there was a little too much of just dropping things in because. I felt like you were showing me the watch to say, "look, it's the future!" You drop the date a couple times, which is fine, but you may want to put some more time into the worldbuilding and conceptualizing what technologies are around. The details on the car are ok, but it's as an infodump, so I ended up tuning it out. You might think about how the world worked back in 1994. You can assume the tech that has progressed from then until now might continue to progress in the same fashion, barring some world-changing event (of which there will certainly be at least one). I guess the main question is, WHY is this set in 2034? Is there some part of the story that needs to be here? if not, just make it the present, or near future, and be done with it. Otherwise the reader is left wondering if there is some other context. You may be addressing this soon, but I would make sure to have some sort of "thesis" (for lack of better word) as to why you chose this setting/time. Otherwise the reader will start looking for hidden meanings. Comments: pg 1: "Nina was anxious to get on the road, but sad to leave the only hometown she’d ever known. Her parents, on the other hand, were more melancholy than anything else, with her mother cradling a stuffed frog that Nina had kept since childhood." --lots of telling in this paragraph. You could cut out telling her parents were melancholy and just show the mother cradling the frog. pg1: "Her father said, trying to find something to say that wasn’t wouldn’t sound overly sentimental." --and this is sort of a cheat in POV--Nina doesn't know what her father is thinking (and there's an extra word in there) pg 1: "“It’s open.” Gus bellowed." --Who's Gus again? Her brother? He suddenly appears in the room. I thought it was just her and her parents. Pg 3: I really don't need to know that much about the car. Chapter 2 as a whole is almost melodramatic. We don't really know or empathize with the characters enough to make the parting meaningful, so it just sounds sappy. I think you could easily start with Nina in Washington, looking back on her family, or having her mom call or something. Chapter 3 starts to get into some action, but it's mostly still Nina traveling toward her new job, not actually landing in it. The end promises some action, but I'm hoping it doesn't involve the description of her flight overseas. I didn't have a problem with the way the blondes were introduced on the subway. There was less time devoted to them than the family and Nina interacted with them, so I was satisfied. You seem to have some concerns about editing and description, so I would suggest (in revision) looking at your sentences and seeing if they move the story along. Unless it adds something to character, plot, or setting, take it out. I'm interested to see what the deal is surrounding the Pope and how Nina handles the story...

I feel like I cheated, because I had absolutely no idea how to critique this the first time around (not necessarily a bad thing), so I read the comments first to help me cogitate. Oh well. I really like this overall. It reminds me of some other good flash fiction I've read. I'm not as concerned as the others about the identities of Pilot and of the machine. It may or may not be sentient; I can suspend disbelief enough to imagine narration by an inanimate object. I would say the two weakest points are 1) Pilot and 2) the ending. 1) I got the feeling they were different pilots each time, as each previous one was killed, but just as the machine kept knowledge of it's "past lives" there seemed to be that connection with Pilot(s) as well. I can accept that for the machine, but for some reason not as much with the pilot. It may be as simple as "Pilot" being a name vs. "the pilot" being the current occupant trying to integrate. 2) Like the others, I didn't feel the ending really worked. Beware: here I go into conjecture and suggestion, so ignore if you want and just note that something is wrong...... It might be because the structure of the story was suddenly different. All the other tests were about birth and evolution, and the last was about reuse, so it cheated the promise at the beginning. Your "thesis" of the story is birth, as stated in the first line. In the last section you name-drop "birth" again, but then you describe how Pilot this time is merely reusing wreckage. The story isn't about success, it's about striving. Then you break that promise by explicitly stating "there is no drive." I don't know what the "correct" resolution would be--maybe something about how the tests will go on forever? Maybe the machine starts designing itself? Dunno. So...that was more than I intended to write, and it's mostly rambling. Still, you got me thinking, which is what I define as a good story, so congratulations on that! Oh yeah...and I like the title as well. I think it describes the story perfectly.

I've generally got the same reactions as the others. The vignette (or is that vinaigrette?) gives a sense of travelogue wonder, but even for something as short as a scene, I didn't take much from it. There was confusion and missed opportunities, but I didn't feel they particularly went anywhere or meant anything. Maybe that's what a vignette is? I don't know. The conversation with the two tourists was easily the best part to me. More like that might give more depth to both the characters and the setting. As to the writing style, I also noted the tense difficulties, and thought it was wordy and could be more concise. Especially for something this short, every single word must do at least one thing, if not two or more. "Fused words" I don't have too much of an opinion on. I use them sometimes, but I often go back and correct, just because it feels vaguely wrong.

After reading so much about fettuccine noodles, I read this as "vinaigrette." I was confused.

I thought time had passed, but I didn't suspect 19 years. That would fix some of the discrepancy between prologue Prissy and Chapter 1. I wouldn't put in "19 years later" but you can make it apparent as the story progresses.

Also off-topic: andyk, I'm continually amazed at what I pick up while reading nowadays. Pretty much every book I read gets a Reading Excuses edit in the back of my mind with all you guys chiming in about plot, setting, and character problems--it's hard to turn off, and it also makes me aware of some of the crap writing that gets published, or how many rookie mistakes get past editors!

Welcome to Reading Excuses! Generally, I have the same sorts of comments as jparker and andyk. I forgot you were going for near-future by the end of the submission, so if that matters at all for the story, then yes, it's a good idea to incorporate more. Like andyk says, cell phone technology is a great place to start. You could also change Prissy's motorcycle to something more "green" powered, or something as simple as LED lights in the church illuminating stain-glass windows. If you want a good example of near-future technology, watch the movie "Looper." It has a lot of good stuff, like modern-day automobiles converted to solar power. Some comments: Your first paragraph has a very long sentence. I would consider separating it to make it easier for the reader to get into the story. Pg 4: there's already been two pairs of family with "mother," "father," and squirming children, so it's starting to sound a little generic. Pg 4: "Unable to withstand the sheer cuteness of her portraitist, the woman smiled..." --I'm guessing this is in 3rd person omnipotent POV? Also, this is a very over-the-top description. Pg5: I can't tell if Prissy is being sarcastic and overly sweet, or if she actually talks that way. Pg 9: "I just watched an act of mass child abuse." --This seems...a strong objection, even for someone who doesn't like churches. The babies weren't harmed in any way. pg 10: "It rang off the side of a Green Bay Packers popcorn tin..." --This makes me think of a physical thing, not a sound. Pg 10: "of Dr. Spock as portrayed by Leonard Nimoy" My nerd sense is tingling. Dr. Spock is a child psychologist. MR. Spock is the character on Star Trek. Pg 12: and the first chapter is in limited 3rd person POV. There's a switch from the prologue, which is okay, but something to watch for. Overall, this is decent beginning to a story. I won't even begrudge you the lack of a SciFi or Fantasy element... I'm interested in where the characters are going. Two concerns. The way you describe Prissy and the way she acts seem to be different to me. She acts like a unsophisticated teenager, but she's described as a tough-hitting journalist. I assume we will find out more on this later. Some of the dialogue and description seems...saccharine. There's a lot of okay hunkey dorey sort of stuff, so I'm wondering if that is the style for the whole book, or just what's happening at the beginning. Things like this: "He gave his daughter the longest, tightest hug he could as he broke down in tears" Seem overly happy. I'm left wondering when the horrible monster is going to jump out. I think I'm saying the same thing as jparker here with respect to small towns. There's a couple typos and missed quotation marks, but you can pick those up on an edit. Interested to see what happens next week!

Congrats! I'll be sure to buy a copy!

I'll agree with what the others wrote. There's a general theme of not much tension. This is more on the humor side than serious, so I think you can get away with lack of tension more, but this is lacking the polish I see in your longer work. Still, great to work out of your comfort zone. I'm not good at short stories either--mine tend to phase into novellas when I'm not looking. Some notes: pg 10: The king seems really, really, dumb. It's humor, but he's almost as bad a caricature as Sir Lexal. pg 11: good, I hoped Sir Lexal would have some problems. pg 13: A good reveal of what the blanket could do, but it would have been even stronger if we knew something about the verses in the book first. pg 14: wait, she leaves her sword in the dragon's eye and then stabs it through the mouth? With what? pg 15: I like that Arri takes up her father's promise. pg 17: I would mention the dragon's name again so we remember how it came true. I had to look back to the beginning to see what it was. I liked this. It was witty and turned lots of tropes on their heads. I think the pacing could be tightened up a little to make sure all the promises are delivered on at the point with the most impact. Revealing the rhyme and the blanket, and Theo's name could potentially have more impact. Still in all, a nice tight story. Did Arri come from Arya Stark? I remember her calling herself 'Ari when she was pretending to be a boy, and needle/the fencing rapier were also similar.

Glad to see someone else doing a prequel novella! That's what I'm doing with the Write about Dragons class and my Seeds of Dissolution story. pg 7-9: you don't give Murena's rank at this time, and I started to get confused later when you were referring to "the general" at the same time you referred to Murena. If I hadn't read the other work, where Murena is a general, I would have been less confused. I had to read carefully to remember who was speaking. I generally agree with the others on lack of development. Below is what I wrote before reading the comments: I'm interested to see what comes of this. Murena obviously has some growing to do before he becomes what we see later. It's hard to say objectively, but I think this stands on its own as well. You have some good character moments for both Varus and Murena. The one part I'm concerned about is that Varus seems very similar to what I saw in your other novel. I'm not sure how much chance he has to grow here before getting to that other story. He's already lost his wife, is a hard soldier, and has the rage in him, which is basically what he is like in "Fire in the Blood." Interested to see what happens next!

Awesome! Let us know when it's on Amazon and I'll get a copy. I'll be sure to spread the word as well!

I think you're fine with three chapters before the mystery. I wasn't expecting a body and was still learning about the world and characters enough to be entertained solely on that account. As andyk says, you might want to scatter some clues just to alert that there will be detective work involved. I can't remember exactly where, and it may be the line you mention, but I did feel a break in the middle of the chapter and was vaguely surprised that there was more. So yes, I think you could easily split chapter 2 up.

manaheim - don't fret too much about it. I gave him similar grief about this section over at the WaD submissions. Someone else with the same reaction means I don't feel as bad about it now And, I think you get a pass on the "giving harsh feedback" for several more submissions!

I figured it was something like that. I just didn't remember it specifically, what with fiveish weeks in between. Thanks for sharing this much with us. I know it's not great to look forward to getting put through the grinder each week, but I hope we've at least given you some food for thought. You have the right idea in writing what you want. We're supposed to be giving feedback, not forcing you to change the core of the book. If your reader wants a different book than you intended, then they should go read that one instead!

I'm up to 8300 words total, so far. I'll most likely be up to 10 or 11k by the end of this week. Which just means I have to decide which part I want to submit and which to leave out. ...Or I can do like Robinski and submit almost 3000 words...

pg 3: Ok, so yes it was a test, which was my main guess. Something still bothers me about that, though. I feel cheated for some reason. --Ah. Andyk has nailed it. pg 6: "pashmina" -had to look this up pg 7: "The wings! Michael!" --it took her that long? pg 8:“The coffee shop. You were there! You were both there!”: --okay, I like this. I don't remember that part, but I like the reference. pg 11: Michael's a real jerk. It fits in with the other heavenly personas you have depicted here but once again strikes me as wrong somehow...But I won't open that can of worms again. --yet you do acknowledge it the next page, so that helps some. pg 14: "He stopped in the middle of the rubble-strewn courtyard of asphalt, dirt, and shards of glass. He faced her." --okay, again I don't know in which spot they landed from Heaven and why they needed to travel to this point. Couldn't they just have appeared here? pg 20: "walk back." ...to where? I liked these chapters more, especially the action of the fight/training, but almost felt like they should have come before she was sent down the first time. They knew she didn't know how to use a sword. It's just sloppy to send an untrained person out to do a trained one's job. This ties in with what andyk is saying about Paul's treatment of Candice, especially when the punishment for failure is so...eternal.

I picked up on approximately the same things as andyk. Overall, I'm really enjoying this and I love the city life and occupation detail you put in to it. Pg 1: I didn't understand in the first chapter than the aim of Kinetic's piece was to defy gravity. Not knowing what the magic system includes, I didn't know enough to be suitably surprised by that any more than the pretty colors. Pg 2: Eaza's speaking pattern is a little too constant. I've used that same pattern myself in writing, but every sentence she says sounds like the same rhythm. I would guess in a "native" speaker's pattern there would be more variation. pg 7: I had to look back at the first chapter to realize there were three sisters, not two. I thought Necenna was the same one that showed up on the balcony in chapter 1 until you pointed it out. She has a very similar reaction to Lemila at first. I really liked the character building for Necenna about pickpocketing while telling the story. I'm still not completely sure about how Painting works and what it can change or how permanent it is. Also not sure why Lemila had blood on her, if she was changed to metal. Maybe this is what andyk was confused about? Both this and the thug with the skin Painted to be stone confused me for a minute, I think because I attribute "painting" to something on the surface, so I keep being surprised when it goes farther than that (i.e. the thug has stone skin). I'm also really not sure how Influence connects to this, but it hasn't played a big part yet, so it hasn't been as much of a problem. Looking forward to the next one!

Contrary to jagabond, I like myths and retellings quite a lot, so this was just my thing. Some notes: Cool reveal to Authurian legend on page 1 and 2... Pg 7: I'm guessing where this is going...interested to see if my guess is correct. I like seeing the legend through Mordred's eyes. Pg 8: I also like the different visions of the present; different takes on what Arthurian legend was "really" like. Yep...it ended like I thought. Events go as they must, but you give us some buildup during the story that something might be different this time. Where jagabond thought it was linear, I felt tension because, knowing how the tragedy of Authurian legend usually ends, I was watching the try/fail cycles of Mordred going against his destiny. This is well written and concise, giving good depth to a character that is usually not sympathetic. Is that interpretation of Excalibur yours, or have you seen that somewhere else? Showing visions of the present is a neat difference from how one usually thinks of them. I do agree with jagabond that the message at the end was a little strange. I felt pulled out of the story a little as I didn't know if Mordred was addressing a contemporary audience or the reader directly. In all, a nice, tight story.

Awesome! Thanks guys. I'll look into all those places. I'd love to get some detailed rejections. So far on the books I've submitted, I've just gotten form rejections. It's hard to know what I'm doing wrong. This will inspire me to write some short stories, I'm sure.