Mandamon

Good tension in the first part. It's a little short on description, so I wasn't always sure what was going on, but it's got a good flow. pg 6: "The two arrows were released with a single twang. They barely penetrated its thick hide, and slowed it not at all. Expected. " --so why use them? Mya makes several comments about her plate armor being too heavy and not useful. I would think if she wore it all the time, she would be used to or have overcome the limitations by using different methods. Where is Aldo while Mya is fighting the Alpha? I was lost for part of both of these chapters as you don't give a lot of setting information. You explain later how they got there, but by that time I already figured it out. I'm not sure the timing works out exactly right between Overall, these two chapters were enjoyable. Getting into Mya's head was a little strange. I expected her to be a lot more confidant than she was, especially if she had been an Equo for twenty years. Has she had an apprentice before? I can't remember if you said. In any case, she seems to fluctuate a lot between putting Aldo through too much, and then apologizing for it. She seems less experienced than I would expect. There were also a couple parts (as well as the note above about pg 6) where either Aldo or Mya thinks, "X is going to happen!" and then it happens. It seemed redundant to me. I was almost expecting something different to happen, just because you made a point about them anticipating the next action.

Okay, I can see that now you say it, but I didn't know she was appearing when the fan opened the first couple times. I thought it was the "real" Elyse.

Not many comments on this one--similar ones to Juugatsu. It held my attention, and I was happy to see Aldo getting his sour personality beaten out of him. The rich kid track really didn't work with Mya. I'm not as forgiving to his nature as Juugastu is; I still think he's a spoiled brat, but he is persistent in getting what he wants. I also thought the fight choreography was good, but I was starting to get tired of the training montage by the end of the two chapters. It would take a long time to bulk up to wearing plate armor, so I'm guessing that training will go on a while, but hopefully without so much attention focused on it. pg1: good visual starting out. However I didn't remember he had a scar. Have you mentioned it before? Also, do the Equo require their apprentices to be bald? Why is he shaving his head? pg 9: So Sanas is something like Parma? I'm guessing these are two of the seven techniques the Equos know? It's not really clear. (You do make it clearer later, by having Aldo use Parma again, but I was confused for a page or so in the middle.)

I have some similar remarks to Asmodemon; I'll just put down what I wrote before reading the comments. I also didn't have any problems with the quotation marks, reading it on a computer. pg 1: A lot of the first paragraph is very passive. You can take out all the "had"s without losing any of the meaning. Having already guessed this last time, it wasn't much of a surprise that Elyse is the woman on the fan. So James' wonderment at this doesn't really do anything for me. pg 1: "and they were known to be indestructible" --this sort of smells of plot contrivance. Why would they be indestructible? Most everything can be broken or destroyed pretty easily. (You do answer this later--maybe specify that the magic is what is indestructible, not necessarily the physical item) pg 2: I was surprised when Elyse appeared from the fan, so good reveal there. However, I don't know why James was prepared for it. Why would he think a painted figure would appear, when it had never been done before? pg 2: "Apparently this meant that her memory was reset whenever the fan was closed." --This seemed like a pretty big logical jump. pg 4: “I hope you did not disturb anything, or you will be in serious trouble, young man.” --going back to the discussion about age last week, this makes James seem a lot younger. If he's somewhere 16-18, I would expect him to be pretty independent by now. pg 5: The exchange with his father is similar. His father is talking to him like a little boy, and James is trying to have an adult conversation. It seems different from how James has acted so far. Not necessarily a bad thing, but it does feel different. pg 5: “I would have had to let you in on the family secret eventually, so I might as well tell you right ow" --maybe this is what's bothering me. On the one hand, James should know about this, but on the other hand, his parents are keeping him in the dark. pg 6: Another good reveal about James' mother. I can't remember if there were any clues before--this one caught me completely off guard. And then the end... not sure how I feel about this. I suppose if James agreed to it, it makes it acceptable to capture him, but his father was going on about not sacrificing his wealth, or his wife. Now he's okay with sacrificing his only child--the one who would take on his craft after he dies? Seems a very poor decision. What else is he building up all this wealth and power for? Overall, I liked the second half better than the first, mainly because James was actively trying to solve his problem, rather than just mooning over Elyse. The ending was good in than is was very definite, but I'm not sure it completely works. Asmodemon has some good remarks about how the magic works.

I don't follow all of the references in pages 3-4, obviously, but I like it. You don't try to maid and butler the dialogue with Praxedes and Anna explaining to each other the things they should know. I can pick up enough of the mirroring between the two games of PM2 to sort of follow. I love the idea that someone went on vacation and caused WWI. An...interesting header for chapter 4... Ah. This answers the other question I had, about who Praxedes' ancestor was. I'm still a little confused about who is who, but I'm willing to read on and find out. I think I'm forgetting some of what happened in the very first submission. There's a lot of "nephew" and "uncle" when Damascus and Pius are talking. That might just be the way the address each other. I'm still liking the alternate history and how the two worlds are meshing. I really don't have much negative to say. I'm interested to see how the two storylines start coming together and what plans you have for Praxedes and Anna. Just out of curiosity, do you have an outline for this, or are you discovery writing it?

Nope, no idea, but I'll see if I can catch it! I'm in your time zone this week, working in Desford. Have to get used to that "driving on the wrong side of the road" thing... Glad you made the change to the bishop rather than the mayor. (see what I did there...two comments in one...)

I would make more comments, but you're probably sick of me...;-)

I thought these two chapters were better than the first ones. I'm getting pulled into the world more, especially since we find out more about the Equo. Some notes: pg 2: “Hey, it’s a free world.” He leant against the wall next to her. --it's probably not, if this is any sort of pre-industrial society. Aldo mentions peasants a few paragraphs above, so there's obviously a class-based society. I know it's a small nitpick, and he's just trying to get a rise out of Julie, but the phrase pulled me out of the story. Good tension when Ranus threatens Aldo. Not sure about using so much profanity. If this is YA, which I assume it is, given the characters' ages, I don't think it would work. I understand why you use it, but it might need to be toned down. pg 8: I wasn't expecting a POV from one of the Equos. Good switch there. However, a lot of the interplay between them seems almost juvenile. A lot more petty than I would expect from serious men and women devoted to whatever they're doing--saving the world in some sense, I expect. And the end of chapter 2, we have Rubumultis, Parma, and possibly Admo as words for magic things. You give us an indication of what Rubumultis is, but there's no description of the other two at all, so it's going to be hard for me to keep them straight, going forward, I expect. pg 13: "I should be able to count on Brutus. I've known him all my life." --Et Tu, Brutus? pg 13: "His grey eyes were wide and intense, and Brutus saw the faintest of red dots in them. " --This seems to be in limited 3rd POV, but this is from Brutus' POV, not Aldo's And this: "Brutus could not tear his eyes from Aldo's. The hairs on his arms and neck stood up, and he shivered uncontrollably." I can't remember if you did this in the first chapter as well. I tend to think if you stay in 3rd limited most of the time, you should do it all the time and not just into omniscient. You can go the other way, but It's not widely done. Ok, I'm liking Aldo a bit more than before. His competence and proactivity are overshadowing his unlikeability enough. I'm interested to see more of what happens. The language is a bit...much. And I'm not particularly sensitive. But if it starts distracting me from the story, that's too much. The Equo were swearing every sentence or so, and I don't want to put up with that for a whole book. If it's YA, it's definitely too much. Even if it's adult, it's a bit strong.

I have to say this was hard to read. As Tal says, the first couple pages are very flowery and purple, with lots of excess adjectives flying around. It gets better later on, but I don't think you really address the underlying problem between the two of them. My main question is WHY would she love this man? He seems pretty horrible, and I can't think he would have changed that much since she met him. You say that she loves him, and Gianni is crying as she kills him, but I don't get any sense of where that love came from, thus I have a hard time relating to the conflict. Laven is almost a caricature of a villain. Some comments: Pg 1: "managed to catch the core of a nearby bush" --This sounds painful. She'd probably be poked in the eye by the outer branches (from personal experience) Pg1: "releasing some of the hurt weeping from an unseen wound that she could not heal" --This seems overly dramatic to me, especially only two paragraphs in. Also, "sour wine of anguish" End of pg3: "his wife." I assume you mean Gianni here? Seems odd that she's referring to herself so while thinking about the situation. Mid page 4: We're not given a lot of reason Laven suddenly turns into a killer. Without more evidence of Gianni's "evil pox upon the world," I can't really sympathize with either of them. Pg 7: "His head snapped up and their eyes locked" But before you said she couldn't see or hear him... Also, there are a lot of missing commas. Here are a few sentences by example. "I tell you Gianni this marriage will not work." "She blinked hard hands clinching and unclenching." "She nodded to herself accepting that her subconscious had been tracking the cloud all along" "Gianni spoke clearly from across the clearing not moving except for a slight quiver of her lower lip." Overall, I think this could be very poignant, but there needs to be a reason for the love in the first place, that will give a better sense to Laven's betrayal and abuse.

This sort of feels like I'm watching an anime with the young master of the house going after the maid. pg 2: in the paragraph starting "James jumped to his feet and walked away with fast strides," There's some POV confusion here. James couldn't see Elyse's brow furrow if he's striding away and disappearing behind a hedge. pg 3: "he had spent most of his time thinking about her..." everything after this point in the paragraph is pretty over-sugary. In fact, most every time James thinks about Elyse I imagine little pink hearts bursting in the air above his head. pg 3: Interesting detail. His father makes fans? --aha...magic fans. Cool. pg 9: So Elyse remembers the flowers, but not the conversation that happened after he gave her the flowers? This was interesting. It was slow to pull me in, mainly because James is very whiny and overly melodramatic about the maid. He comes on very strong at the beginning with no real reason for it aside from he thinks the maid is pretty. Isn't consorting with the help usually frowned upon? I can't stop envisioning this as an anime setting, mainly because of the way the household is set up. I didn't get a good feeling of the setting or time period. What clothes do they wear? What technology is around? They have a car, so I'm inclined to think modern, but a large household staff is not something seen nowadays except by the super-rich (or maybe in Japan?). I already figured out what happened to Elyse by the time it was explained, so I'm interested to see what happens and how/if it's fixed. I wouldn't give James a good chance of having a relationship with the maid, but I'm interested to finish the story.

Actually, if you read the whole article above, it concludes that Google does have some language detailing that it must ask before using any of your information and the language is used to give Google the permissions to move things around within their own services. While the rights you give them are still not very satisfactory, there are very similar and it fact better defined (according to the article) than the terms of service on Dropbox, Skydrive (Microsoft), and iCloud (Apple). Plus, Microsoft and Apple both say they can delete your information if they find it objectionable. Basically, anything you put in the internet is there forever (including this forum!). Be careful what you post and say.

Oh, ok. I didn't realize this was before the election had started. I keep assuming this is farther along in the story than it is!

I really enjoyed this submission. This addresses a lot of the issues brought up earlier with pacing and too much build up. As to being out of order, I was honestly expecting this to be much later, from your explanation. This could technically come right after your last entry. Nina's only been in Rome a few days, and you give a good explanation for what she's been doing. I'm satisfied. We also get a much better picture of Dan. I mentioned before that he seemed to be raging against Prissy too much, but this section makes their relationship a lot clearer (along with Madison's) I'll second manaheim's nitpick. Marinara is a red sauce. One more thing, which may potentially upset the plot a little. I'm pretty sure (though I may be wrong) that when a new pope is elected, all the voting cardinals are sealed in the Sistine Chapel until the voting is concluded, whether it's a day or a two weeks. So, you wouldn't really have a portion of the voting cardinals eating out at a restaurant. That aside, this makes me more interested in the story again--I'm interested to see more.

Coming in later here, and I think most things have been covered. Original notes: Giving the heights and weights in the second paragraph, while helping to explain that these are not humans, takes the focus off the urgency of the chase. Plus it makes me wonder how they have the same measurement system... At the end of page one, Liorel is flipped by a bolt, but she's very large. I wouldn't think a bolt could move her that much. pg 2: ok, they're minotaurs. I was having a hard time figuring out what they were. My first thought was centaurs. Although I wonder at them being able to speak, since they have bull heads. I'm wondering what sort of culture this is, where parents teach their children to hunt and kill sentient beings for sport. pg 5: the imp is still in the area, eating its last kill when Aldo shows up. It's distracted and full. Diego had to deal with an imp ready to attack and let loose at him. Seems unfair if this is a trial of strength and ability to choose an apprentice. This kept my interest, but it was a struggle at times. Aldo in an unsympathetic character in every possible way--he's rich, spoiled, mean, cruel, and over confidant. I was at times hoping for a POV from the girl, who I like much better. I have a feeling you're going to be fighting against readers with this the whole time. Going with Sanderson's sliders of competence, proactivity, and sympathy, you've got the first two raised high, to some extent. Aldo is proactive about winning the competition. He's a competent fighter, and has some sort of surprising magic at hand. I'm just not sure they're high enough to compensate for him being so unsympathetic (I think this ties in with what andyk is saying about draining tension from the fight with Julia). But I'm ready to read more and find out... End notes. On the subjects raised above, I'll agree that Julia's come-on did strike me a strange, but I was more focused on Aldo being such a jerk about it. The style is fairly fresh, and it's nice to see different creatures than the normal mythic animal tropes. I will also agree your writing style is not as active as it could be. Lots of the description felt dry, and that in turn gave me a even more unsympathetic impression of Aldo. I'm also wondering if the prologue is worth it here. Aside from giving some insight into the violence of the culture and a tag that we're reading fantasy, I'm not sure what it adds. Maybe it will tie in later. I did note you introduce two sympathetic characters, then immediately kill them off. It's almost too much of an "I'm writing grimdark" hammer to the head. Interested to see what happens next week.

Overall, this was good. I agree with Andyk that you could perhaps move some of this to Rome to get on the action earlier. You have a lot of names on the first page, though I did remember most of them. Having to track three or four new ones is stretching my memory a bit, but it depends on how unique you make their personalities. I agree again that Vinya jumps off the page most clearly, even more than Nina. I was a bit surprised by the POV from Aidan (as I hadn't read your notes yet). I'm interested to see what part he will play. There were some good future tech references in this submission, with Vinya's clothes and printing the room keys. I wonder if the camera equipment might be reduced as well? Wireless data upload? drone cameras? The "Gyros or Tandoori" reference went over my head at first, even with you pointing it out. I think it's because although Nina and Vinya have "ethnic" names, you haven't really given a racially linked description. Which is good! There's a slippery slope here, between having the joke be easy to get the first time around, and being guilty of putting people in boxes. Looking forward to things happening in Rome.

Great Interview! Both of you have inspired me to look at short fiction again. I'm going to try my hand at some later this year.

Welcome to Reading Excuses, Lord Juugatsu! Lots of engineers around here. I'm also a M.E. Sounds like you have some writing under your belt already. Shadow's Beneath was excellent. I really enjoyed seeing the writing process for the W.E. folks. See you in the forums!

...That you know of. ;-)

I agree with Lemming here. He says the same thing I was trying to get across on WaD about how you faked out your readers too much on Dyllis (though he says it better.) More bread crumbs would be appreciated before the reveal.

I liked the structure of this, showing glimpses into what happens in the future. However, I thought this was rough overall. I couldn't quite tell what was going on, whether this was an actual environmental catastrophe, or if it was humans looking for new places to live and then messing up those environments. Without any reference to dates, I also couldn't tell whether the sun was getting dim, or if people had just polluted their environment so much they couldn't get enough sunlight. This reminds me of an old story in Ranger Rick (if anyone remembers that), where the Earth is covered in garbage and a bunch of animals tries to figure out what happened. It stuck with my young self because I just couldn't imagine any way Earth would be completely covered in garbage--eventually people would just reuse it. That was sort of the same reaction I had here, simply because I was confused on the reason for the future apocalypse.

I assumed that was a reference to Jonah and the whale? But I wasn't sure the context, even as a joke, inside this story.

First off, don't take this the wrong way, but I like this more than "Millennial Reign." I'll disagree with the others on the footnotes. I could go for a whole book of this, with the tongue-in-cheek references the whole way. But then, I tend to like goofy stuff like this, and footnotes remind me of Terry Pratchett, which is always a good thing. To your questions, I didn't mind the chatroom that much. You'll never get colors in anything printed, so I would drop those. I didn't really have trouble following, as their screennames are printed right there. The voices were a bit similar, but unless these become important characters, they don't need to be that distinct. If you want a reference to published material with chatrooms, Lev Grossman's "The Magician" series has some of it, I think in the second book. I like Praxedes, and she gets some more characterization here. You start to get into some story ideas near the end, and I'm more convinced now that this strategy might work, if you play it as a completely open parody/satire of Principia Moderni where the worlds collide. I don't know if you could ever sell it, but I think it could be a pretty funny/cool book.

Very interesting to see the similarities and differences between this and WaD reading group. Overall, things tend to be consistent in what parts are tagged. Had to chip in on Once Upon a Time. My wife and I watched up to the third season, but just couldn't take it anymore. I really liked the price for magic, as Lemming brings up, and the take on fairy tales. However, later on it started falling to the usual TV problems of stretching things out and resetting heroes just because the actor wanted to be on another season.

I thought this was cool, but then, I like alternate histories. Even though the footnotes take you out of the story, I enjoyed them for what they were. Now, to make this a "real" story if you have the intent to write something and publish it somewhere so more than just players of the game will read it... There's certainly a lot of material to pull from here, and you have sort of a prebuilt society to draw from. You could easily turn this into a story, and not even have to justify the breakoff point from our history. Contrary to what you say above, most people aren't going to care what exactly happened as long as you have some general clues like Japan has overseas colonies, and the New World is on equal footing with the Old world, or whatever actually happened. If you don't know where to go, I would resist the urge to delve into the history more than you need to, and focus more on how the characters develop. The problem with having a really cool setting and not knowing what to do with it, is that you often get a weak story. If you want suggestions, I would take another story idea you have with strong plot and character ideas and blend it in with this setting. That way the overall story will still be strong and you get to use this neat setting.

First off, I enjoyed reading this. The writing flowed pretty well save for a few awkward sentences, like Jagabond addressed. I didn't have as much problem with the voice as he did, but there wasn't anything that stood out to me as unique, either. The subject matter was a little old, and it felt like a story that had been told before. That said, I don't know where it was going, so you had me interested to see what happens next. I had a little problem with Taln being so young, as it's hard to get reactions from an 8-yo's perspective right. I'm assuming this is sort of a prologue and we will next see Taln more grown up. I wouldn't like to stay in an 8-yo's head for very long. So overall, this was interesting and well written, but I hope there's a good hook coming up to show me how this is different from all other boy and dragon stories around.