Mandamon

Thanks to you both! @ rdpulfer: I've had some other comments on using more "physical" fighting vs. magical. I'm planning to add some more detail into the section with Hbelu @gwslow: I agree it might be good to get to know Zikar better. I'll work on that in the edit. To both: I see both of you like the magic system. Is there any confusion or does it seem clear to you? I've had comments from others that the magic is too complex.

Lol.

Previously: Kisare and Belili escaped their captivity on the Aricaba plantation, along the way finding that Belili has a lock of magical hair colored brown, enabling her to use the Fruit that grows in their land to do magic. They meet up with Hbelu, prince of the displaced Asha-Urmana people, and plan to work in his village, building a new life. However their old master attacks with his guards. The village fends him off, though he vows to return. Hbelu, the elders, and Kisare and Belili hold a council, and Hbelu decides they must travel to Karduniash to activate the seeds. While they prepare to leave, Belili and Kisare have a chance to live normal lives for a few days, and discover Kisare has some color in her hair as well. They start the journey to Karduniash, accompanied by Hbelu, Zikar, and Nidintu. Let me know what you think!

I'll go again, if I haven't worn out my welcome. Looking forward to another of Rutland Blacklake's adventures! (I for some reason always think Blackadder when reading that name...) Also just saw our ranks on 17th shard. Does this mean I get to boss Robinski around?

Hi gwslow and welcome to Reading Excuses! Thanks for the feedback. Yes, Zikar is the warrior. I introduced him in the last submission, so 1) he and Nidintu are pretty new and 2) Kisare and Belili don't know them very well either. You came in right at a brief lull in the action. I promise next week will have a lot more! All the names are based on Babylonian culture. I'm pronouncing Hbelu as "HuhBayLew," but go with whatever you like best. If you want to read the earlier stuff, just send me a PM with your email. No pressure. It's fine if you just want to review from here out.

Thanks folks! @stormweasel: Your edits are very similar to some other comments I've gotten. I'm alternating POVs each chapter, so right now I'm sticking to that format. One of downsides, of course, is that sometimes the POVs don't fit as well as they could. I was trying to go more for the traveling montage here, but I think it could be tuned up. I might play with some different POVs when I do rewrites. @rdpulfer: The other reading group picked up on "odds and ends" too. I'll turn that into something more specific. Good catch on the POV tags. I'll add some more of those in. Glad you liked Kisare's reaction to things. Next week will have a lot more action--looking forward to comments. By the way I read through "Wolf and Bat" and started reading" Blue Yonder." Cool comics!

Part 1 of chapter 9. The story so far: Kisare and Belili escaped their captivity on the Aricaba plantation, along the way finding that Belili has a lock of magical hair colored brown, enabling her to use the Fruit that grows in their land to do magic. They meet up with Hbelu, prince of the displaced Asha-Urmana people, and plan to work in his village, building a new life. However their old master attacks with his guards. The village fends him off, though he vows to return. Hbelu, the elders, and Kisare and Belili hold a council, and Hbelu decides they must travel to Karduniash to activate the seeds. While they prepare to leave, Belili and Kisare have a chance to live normal lives for a few days, and discover Kisare has some color in her hair as well. Thanks for any feedback!

Liked.

I want to submit again for Monday, but seems like there's no one around here lately. Anyone else going on Monday? Daddy Warpig? ... Bueller?

Thanks! Great comments. The chapters alternate POVs between Kisare and Belili. I've been submitting half chapters here, so you get two weeks of one POV. Good thought about the trinkets. I'll try to flesh that out on the rewrite.

Hi all. A brief summary: Kisare and Belili escaped their captivity on the Aricaba plantation, along the way finding that Belili has a lock of magical hair colored brown, enabling her to use the Fruit that grows in their land to do magic. They meet up with Hbelu, prince of the displaced Asha-Urmana people, and plan to work in his village, building a new life. However their old master attacks with his guards. The village fends him off, though he vows to return. Hbelu, the elders, and Kisare and Belili hold a council, and Hbelu decides they must travel to Karduniash to activate the seeds. While they prepare to leave, Belili and Kisare have a chance to live normal lives for a few days. Let me know what you think!

Perennial, Complex, and Unnecessary?

Usual request for Monday, if I haven't worn out my welcome yet.

Thanks for the feedback! This is very much a transition chapter, and had some other comments that it's sort of anticlimactic. However, this is part 1, so there is another section to this chapter! On Hbelu's facial expression. Funny. That was actually a late add, because someone else said they couldn't tell what he was thinking. I did think about writing out the argument, but at this point writing, I wanted to get on to the next section. Maybe that section will come back in the revisions. I think this is also were I really started to like Belili as a character, so that's probably why it's sop heavy on her internal monologue. That's a good catch, and something I'll have to make sure I'm consistent on in the edits.

First off, I enjoyed this a lot. I wasn't really sure where it was going for the first few paragraphs, but after that I was hooked. Some notes: Pg 1: the crop duster/drone reminds me of Interstellar. Not necessarily bad--I can see that being something that becomes an everyday thing. Marlene has a good personality. The repetition of facts about the wedding present usually wouldn't work, but I think it does here, with her thoughts. Re: small talk. That's exactly how I feel. Now I like Marlene even more. pg 5: Arnold as a retired politician. I suppose this is how people felt with Ronald Reagan. Also now I feel old. Good use of cell drones. It's equally scary and plausible. pg 7: "Marlene knew what to do when she had a question: she went straight to the Internet." --This sentence doesn't work as well. Of course she goes to the internet. That's what people do today, much less in the future. ...And then I read the rest of it all the way through... Very nice. The solution was promised at the beginning and given at the end. Your characters are very vivid, even for this short a story. There's almost a horror feel to the middle section, and I really wasn't sure whether it would end happily or badly until I got to it. I think that might change the tone slightly through the story, but it was well written enough that I didn't really notice. Looking forward to more works from you!

The story so far... Kisare and Belili escaped their captivity on the Aricaba plantation, along the way finding that Belili has some brown hair, enabling her to use the Fruit that grows in their land to do magic. They meet up with Hbelu, prince of the displaced Asha-Urmana people, and plan to work in his village, building a new life. However their old master attacks with his guards. The village fends him off, though he vows to return. Hbelu, the elders, and Kisare and Belili hold a council, and Hbelu decides they must travel to Karduniash to activate the seeds. Thanks!

Standard request for Monday as well. I'll drop back if there are too many people.

Juugatsu, thanks as always for the great feedback. I'm nearly finished with the book--only about half a chapter and the epilogue left, and I'm starting to see the themes that I need to clarify in the rewrite. What you're talking about here is one of them, with how the Fruits and the new seeds affect the Asha-Urmana. Hopefully this is one of those things where I can clarify once I have the ending in place. You're right about any other color but blond being magical. I think later on I made a shorthand that "color" in the hair = magic, but that doesn't entirely work either. You and rdpulfer are correct about needing some in-world slang. Good feedback on Kisare as well. It's always hard with the "Council of Elrond" type scenes (as Robinski has put it) to make everyone feel active. Next week will be about the same length, but I've found I tend to get better feedback on shorter sections that a 5000-word submission. Glad you're seeing less technical issues. This is about the time where I felt the story really started to come together.

pg 2: The first break on page two reads a little awkward. You have Aldo making an impressive and definite statement, and then take it away with the next sentence. I think the sentiment is good, but the transition is awkward. pg 4-5: I don't remember if you had as much explanation before, but I thought this was good. It gives a little more about the world, and also tells us about Aldo's motives. pg 6: better description of the Equos as well. I think last time they were described a few chapters in. This makes them immediately powerful and ominous. I liked this a lot better. It makes more sense for Aldo to be antagonistic to Julia for a reason, and you give us one. The descriptions of magic are better too. I have a clearer idea of what happens, why, and what the words mean. I'll agree with rdpulfer that the end was a little abrupt. It felt like the chapter could play out until the end of the fight, rather than stopping before (I assume) the surprising revelation. Looking forward to more!

rdpulfer--thanks for the feedback and welcome to Reading Excuses! I've also thought "magical hair coloring" is kind of awkward. I haven't come up with a good alternative yet...If you think of anything let me know! Yes, Kisare is a little on the sidelines in this chapter. Some others commented that she could raise some more objections. If you do want to read the "back issues" send me a PM with your email. No pressure, of course. I'm trying to include a short summary in my entries so people can get caught up.

The story so far: Kisare and Belili escaped their captivity on the Aricaba plantation, along the way finding that Belili has a lock of magical hair colored brown, enabling her to use the Fruit that grows in their land to do magic. They meet up with Hbelu, prince of the displaced Asha-Urmana people, and plan to work in his village, building a new life. However their old master attacks with his guards. The village fends him off, though he vows to return. Now, Hbelu, the elders, and Kisare and Belili hold a council on what to do next. Thanks!

I should have something to submit for the 23rd as well, if anyone is around next week.

Juugatsu--Thanks as usual! There's been a lot of other comments on the fight. I think this section is due for a large rewrite to get it more tense, and with more repercussions. I address the part about talking with a mouth full of juice later on, but I need to bring it back to this chapter as well. The magic is gone when the juice loses its taste. Good catch on Fruit getting damaged. Hadn't thought about that too much. Hbelu's resolution to the fight does have some bearing on the second half of the chapter, which might answer your questions. I'll wait and see. Glad you liked Kisare's reactions. That seems to be the best part of this section. Another good catch on researching the seeds. Yeah, you'll have to wonder on that--I never did address it ;-) I think I imagined an Asha-Urmana research lab, with Anagmeshu-Ea hunched over a primitive microscope, but I never did write that part. Thanks again for commenting, even with a busy schedule. I'm on a trip this week myself, so I think I'll hold off on posting the next part until Feb 23rd. That and it seems a little sparce around here lately.

The prologue is much better. I'm still rather horrified by it, but I suppose that's the intent. Knowing what I do now about later chapters, I'm still not sure where and how the minotaurs tie in, except to demonstrate that they're sentient creatures hunted by humans. You make it clear at the start that we're dealing with minotaurs, which as I recall was my main problem with it last time. It flowed a lot better this time, and had good tension with the mother trying to protect her children. Aldo seems instantly less abrasive than last time, and I think this better shows his competence in knowing magic so early. Still not sure whether Diego's brief interlude adds anything for me. It does show the brutality of the area, though. The way Aldo handles the boy in line is handled a lot better (if I remember correctly). I can still tell that Aldo comes from privilege, and is certainly egotistical, but he's not so over the top that I hate him immediately for it. Manipulating the boy shows he's arrogant, but also crafty enough to get his way. Much better repartee with Julia as well. In all, I enjoyed this version a lot more. I'm much more interested in the story by this point than I was last time. I want to know what happened with Aldo's family, and with Julia three years ago. Looking forward to more!

Here is part 1 of chapter 7. Previously: Kisare and Belili escaped their captivity on the Aricaba plantation, along the way finding that Belili has a lock of magical hair colored brown, enabling her to use the Fruit that grows in their land to do magic. They meet up with Hbelu, prince of the displaced Asha-Urmana people, and plan to work in his village, building a new life. However their old master attacks with his guards... Let me know what you think.