Mandamon

Good thoughts. I'm hoping a Hbelu POV earlier in the story will also help.

--They would sink really good, though... Aha! I am vindicated! My aversion to "had" stems from Strunk and White's Elements of Style, where they harp on removing unnecessary words, one of which is "had." Another is "that."

You got the first half last week, so you should be up to date now in both places...

first paragraph: The combination of "Renfield" and "his Master" are cluing me in to something here... pg 1: "It made things considering easy for Renfield" --considerably more easy? pg 1: "Military drones were all the rage these days, Renfield said" -- said to who? If you mean as a generic comment, it's sort of strange directed at the reader when this isn't in first person. pg 2: "Renfield wiped the threat from his pale brow" --'sweat,' I assume. pg 4: "He regarded him with his eye eyes." --I am reminded of the Aye-aye, which makes this phrase hilarious. pg 4: "Screw this, Renfield thought" --The thought should be in italics pg 6: "It looked like at first, " --missing word pg 7: "This couldn’t be good for him, but it beat the alternative. " --no, more like instant bends, and Renfeild convulses in agonizing pain. This is an interesting concept, Refield betraying Dracula. The first few pages had a bit too much infodump, but it got better once the conversation started. I felt a lot more tension with Dracula threatening Renfield than with him walking around on his own on a submarine. I did have some trouble with Renfield's escape. At any depth near the Marianas Trench, he would have been 1) crushed instantly and 2) had horrible nitrogen narcosis (the bends) when he got to the surface. However, this did capture my attention, so I'm interested to see what the first chapter would be, and whether Renfield is the main character, or someone else is.

Great comments as usual! I had someone else comment on "party" as well. I do have to be careful with pronouns. That's cropped up several times with this story. I'll need to do some more description on Erishti (the girl). I originally meant her to be in more, but she got pushed off to the side a little. What do you mean by the focus shifting to Hbelu? As in the story doesn't seem like it's about the sisters at that point?

Chapter 22. A little long this time. Previously: Kisare and Belili escaped their captivity on the Aricaba plantation, along the way finding that Belili has a lock of magical hair colored brown, enabling her to use the Fruit that grows in their land to do magic. They meet up with Hbelu, prince of the displaced Asha-Urmana people, and plan to work in his village, building a new life. However their old master attacks with his uguards. The village fends him off, though he vows to return. Hbelu, the elders, and Kisare and Belili hold a council, and Hbelu decides they must travel to Karduniash to activate the seeds. Kisare discovers she has some color in her hair as well. They start the journey to Karduniash, accompanied by Hbelu, Zikar, and Nidintu, but are soon ambushed a few days out from the village by Aricaba-Ata and Enti-Ilzi. Belili and Kisare escape, but Hbelu is captured. The sisters, with the advice of the scout, decide to follow the noble’s trail. They come across a town, and dye their hair to disguise themselves as Asha-Urmana to search for Hbelu. In the town they meet up with Gemeti, a mysterious old woman, who decides to come with them and make them into nobles. They meet with the local Asha-Urmana, who allow the three to travel with them. Over a few weeks, they learn about being nobles, travel with the Asha-Urmana nearer the capital, and practice their magic. The three travel close to Karduniash, but are betrayed by a forger, and are forced to split up by the town guard. Each sister travels a different path to enter the city. Kisa avoids the guards and reunites with Gemeti, while Belili makes her own way into the palace. Both of them manage to get rooms in the palace, though Belili’s are more favorable than Kisare’s. Belili confronts and kills Ilzi, as well as gaining information about Aricaba-Ata, while Kisare is introduced by Gemeti to a high noble sympathetic to her cause. Kisare learns more about the Dyad from the high noble, while Belili spins a story about her background to gain Marut’s favor. At the Cherry Festival, Kisare’s eyes are opened to Noble life, and she and Belili both meet the Dyad, as well as have a confrontation with Aricaba-Ata. The Dyad forbid them to fight, and say the group with the best present for them will “win.” That night, Kisare talks with Marut’s shadow and learns about the noble’s structure. The next day, Belili finds and confronts Aricaba-Ata where he is hiding Hbelu. She reveals Aricaba-Ata is her father. He will not release Hbelu, but at least she knows he is alright. Thanks for any comments!

Thanks, Majestic Fox! I do agree with you on the lack of tension here. I know I need a lot of revision so probably some of this stuff will go away or get cut down when I rewrite.

Same with me--if there's a space on Monday, it's three more entries and that's the end of the book!

This was a good read, but almost completely different in tone and content from the other half of the story. I don't even see any similarities in place names or cultures. I feel like this could be happening on the other side of the world. Similarly, there was very good character building on Ambrose. I can tell exactly what sort of person he is and see why he makes the choices he does (good or bad). However, this was almost to the exclusion of anything else, especially description. We get a few place names, but nothing really on where the city is or what is happening directly around Ambrose. For example, what is the Mayfly? Car? Train? Fying contraption? I don't think you say. One comment while reading: pg 5: "nodding jovially at the driver" --this seems odd in relation to the bad news he just got and his general mood. Overall, I liked this, and I'm interested to read more. I just don't see how the two stories tie together at the moment. The one with Willow seems like a YA fantasy/coming of age story, and the one with Ambrose is an adult Steampunk novel about progress vs. nature. I'm probably a little skewed by reading 3 or 4 chapters of Willow before getting to Ambrose. My reaction might have been a little different had I read just the first chapter and then this.

Lol. I may have to use that.

pg 1: "speak to him about the honesty of his feelings and intentions towards his sister" --this seems excessive. I think we can gather what he wanted to talk about. For some reason Blacklake making nice is reminding me of Gru from Despicable Me. It just doesn't seem like his nature. And now I've got Gru stuck as my mental picture for Blacklake... There's also lots of telling what happened in the conversation, rather than giving us the dialogue. I realize we don't want to hear a lot of small talk, but maybe a few snatches of conversation, especially about the portrait. The whole section comes off as very passive, which in a way, works with Tarquin coming in later, but at the same time, leeches the possibility of tension out of it. pg 3: "but he held off pouring until the idea had registered with his guests" --huh? pg 4: "Tarquin’s current features" --do they change? I wasn't aware of that. pg 7/8: I like the juxtaposition of the thought conversation and the spoken one. pg 9: "the question that he did not want to answer" --which was? Why is it such a concern that Sabine and Blacklake be together? If he outlives Judth, then Sabine would have a chance again. It seems like Tarquin had some plan for them, but I don't know what it is. pg 15: "pausing for only a second before she dropped and transformed, an ugly process that he did not need to see again." --I assume into some sort of bird? I thought this section was good, and it's starting to bring the different parts of the story together. As rdpulfer said, it's lacking on the conversation between characters, especially in the first half. As usual, there were lots of run-on sentences, but I've perhaps harped on that enough already... Interested to see how this plays out in the last three entries.

Great comments, thanks! I'm glad you guys here tend to be pretty consistent with the comments from my other writing group. Only two more chapters...

Chapter 21 Previously: Kisare and Belili escaped their captivity on the Aricaba plantation, along the way finding that Belili has a lock of magical hair colored brown, enabling her to use the Fruit that grows in their land to do magic. They meet up with Hbelu, prince of the displaced Asha-Urmana people, and plan to work in his village, building a new life. However their old master attacks with his guards. The village fends him off, though he vows to return. Hbelu, the elders, and Kisare and Belili hold a council, and Hbelu decides they must travel to Karduniash to activate the seeds. Kisare discovers she has some color in her hair as well. They start the journey to Karduniash, accompanied by Hbelu, Zikar, and Nidintu, but are soon ambushed a few days out from the village by Aricaba-Ata and Enti-Ilzi. Belili and Kisare escape, but Hbelu is captured. The sisters, with the advice of the scout, decide to follow the noble’s trail. They come across a town, and dye their hair to disguise themselves as Asha-Urmana to search for Hbelu. In the town they meet up with Gemeti, a mysterious old woman, who decides to come with them and make them into nobles. They meet with the local Asha-Urmana, who allow the three to travel with them. Over a few weeks, they learn about being nobles, travel with the Asha-Urmana nearer the capital, and practice their magic. The three travel close to Karduniash, but are betrayed by a forger, and are forced to split up by the town guard. Each sister travels a different path to enter the city. Kisa avoids the guards and reunites with Gemeti, while Belili makes her own way into the palace. Both of them manage to get rooms in the palace, though Belili’s are more favorable than Kisare’s. Belili confronts and kills Ilzi, as well as gaining information about Aricaba-Ata, while Kisare is introduced by Gemeti to a high noble sympathetic to her cause. Kisare learns more about the Dyad from the high noble, while Belili spins a story about her background to gain Marut’s favor. At the Cherry Festival, Kisare’s eyes are opened to Noble life, and she and Belili both meet the Dyad, as well as have a confrontation with Aricaba-Ata. The Dyad forbid them to fight, and say the group with the best present for them will “win.” Thanks for any comments!

Looks like there's only 3 for next week including me, Robinski, and Majestic Fox. Is that right?

I wasn't sure on the age when I read it. I remembered the previous chapter fairly well, but I was thinking that this was happening in Julia's present, but she was using her original name in the dream. I'd say if this is a flashback, you might need some clarifiers, especially with the big logic leap from chapter 2 to 3.

Putting in the request for next week, assuming we don't overflow.

Lol. Glad we are in accordance once again! And my brain must have been confusing "M"-names when I wrote that...

Once again, your writing draws me in and keeps me reading. I'm not sure if it's just this chapter, or if it's intentional, but in reading this submission especially, it was hard to even stop reading, because one paragraph and thought led into the next, despite me having no idea what was going on for the first half. It's a big jump away from the first two chapters in setting and description, but not in overall tone. The two old men talking about the acrobats is a bit maid-and-butler, but still plausible. I'm not sure how long ago this happened. After reading, I'm still very confused as to what is going on. That's not to say I would stop reading at this point, but there's no mention of how Mary got here (and why she's now Mary instead of Julia), or even any real acknowledgement from her that's she's somewhere else. The whole thing feels like a dream, but I'm not sure it is. At any rate, I'm interested to read more and see what happens in the Mystic's Haven. I also like that the title has been referenced, as it gives a little bit of an anchor to what the story will be about.

Thanks for the comments! Yes, this was intentional. A bit of whimsy for the party. Glad you liked atmosphere at the party. I was definitely going for hedonistic/decadent, so I'm glad that came across.

Intersting insight into Blacklake. On the one hand, I like that it's Tarquin's pragmatic view that we get, but on the other hand, it's once again 5 pages of thinking. I'll agree with rdpulfer that I'd be interested in who Tarquin learned from. pg 5: "Tarquin sighed" this drew me out because Tarquin has been thinking about Blacklake, in a white room setting (or at least not described in 5 pages) and suddenly you draw attention to his actions and movements. pg 8: "great bought of conscience" --bout? pg 12: Somewhat anticlimatic that Blacklake telling Judith about his powers happens "offscreen." Not too much to say about this section. It read easily and kept my attention. I generally enjoy Tarquin's sections, despite the standard complaint that a lot of the story is people standing around thinking. This had a good description of the difference in power between Tarquin and Blacklake, making me wonder how old Tarquin is. Aside from that, this section seems to be mainly setup for what comes next. I'm wondering what Judth's chances of survival are at this point.

Thanks! Great comments, as usual.

Chapter 20: Previously, Kisare and Belili escaped their captivity on the Aricaba plantation, along the way finding that Belili has a lock of magical hair colored brown, enabling her to use the Fruit that grows in their land to do magic. They meet up with Hbelu, prince of the displaced Asha-Urmana people, and plan to work in his village, building a new life. However their old master attacks with his uguards. The village fends him off, though he vows to return. Hbelu, the elders, and Kisare and Belili hold a council, and Hbelu decides they must travel to Karduniash to activate the seeds. Kisare discovers she has some color in her hair as well. They start the journey to Karduniash, accompanied by Hbelu, Zikar, and Nidintu, but are soon ambushed a few days out from the village by Aricaba-Ata and Enti-Ilzi. Belili and Kisare escape, but Hbelu is captured. The sisters, with the advice of the scout, decide to follow the noble’s trail. They come across a town, and dye their hair to disguise themselves as Asha-Urmana to search for Hbelu. In the town they meet up with Gemeti, a mysterious old woman, who decides to come with them and make them into nobles. They meet with the local Asha-Urmana, who allow the three to travel with them. Over a few weeks, they learn about being nobles, travel with the Asha-Urmana nearer the capital, and practice their magic. The three travel close to Karduniash, but are betrayed by a forger, and are forced to split up by the town guard. Each sister travels a different path to enter the city. Kisa avoids the guards and reunites with Gemeti, while Belili makes her own way into the palace. Both of them manage to get rooms in the palace, though Belili’s are more favorable than Kisare’s. Belili confronts and kills Ilzi, as well as gaining information about Aricaba-Ata, while Kisare is introduced by Gemeti to a high noble sympathetic to her cause. Kisare learns more about the Dyad from the high noble, while Belili spins a story about her background to gain Marut’s favor. Thanks for any comments!

Same here. Only a few more weeks to finish up for me.

Thanks! High praise! I really liked writing this chapter, and I want to aim for this sort of feeling when I rewrite it.

Some comments first: pg 1: "looked after the place in the after the place ' word doubling I forgot Jack was her brother at first. He hasn't been around in a while pg 2: "she should take the rest of the week to recover, but that she should do so on Saturday please." --not sure what this means. pg 3: "To stand on the Mathematical Bridge " --well, we finally have the title of the story, but it's just dropped in there. I don't get the significance of the name. pg 3: why would she think the woman was an artist? pg 5: you say it's a stretch for her to think the woman is connected to Blacklake, but I still don't really believe the leap in logic. and thus ends 5 pages of Judith thinking... pg 10: I like that you note the difference between Blacklake past and present with regard to reading Jack's thoughts. pg 10: "weaken his defence against Judith, who could wake at any moment, or in hours." --Sabine, I assume. So Blacklake finally makes a choice. I'm interested to see what happens because of this. I assume he will be tested against both Sabine and Tarquin, so that should prove interesting. The main problem I have here is I just don't get the chemistry between Judith and Blacklake. I'm not sure why, but for some reason I just don't buy it. All the scenes with Blacklake and Sabine work a lot better than the ones with Judith. I can't really give you any good reasons, but that may be for the best, as I shouldn't be suggesting things anyway...