Mandamon

Some notes first: pg 1: "Willow forced herself to cry before meeting Lewis" --why? Seems an odd wording. Would she not have cried otherwise? pg 3: this may just be the "skeletal dialogue," but they seem to shift from poetry to singing. Which one is it? Lol. I like the songs. Very meta ;-) pg 5: drinking mead. I guess Willow's old enough to have a partner of some sort, but I don't really have a good grasp on her age. I keep thinking of her as a little girl, but she's obviously older than that. pg 7: I'm interested to see who this Emin is and how North Peak is different. Do they follow the scripture, or is that something special to Willow's village? pg 8: "something she needed to do before she left. " --I thought this was going to be informing all the people she mentioned previously about leaving, not visiting the giant again. pg 11: We get a name for the attacking creature - Vora - but no description aside from it's a creature, and big. How big? Is it like a giant pig? pg 13-14: the giant puts Willow down, but then runs off with her clinging to his hands. Does he pick her back up? pg 14-15: Still no description of the vora, and not a lot of the giant either, so using him as a comparison doesn't really help. I guess Willow fits in his hand? But that doesn't tell me a whole lot. pg 16: "Kendrick squirmed in her arms but she held him fast" Wasn't Willow too weak to run a few minutes ago? pg 20: I don't remember who Ewen is. Overall, I liked where this chapter went. It's certainly a departure from the previous ones, with a lot more action, as well as consequences. However, whether it's the unfinished nature or what, this was a lot harder to follow than previous chapters. Once they start being used, I don't understand why the scripture does what it does, or why the giant would be an abomination when there's other creatures like the vora around. The lack of description made this suffer as well, since I had a hard time picturing sizes, and what the vora resembled. It looks like Willow is about to embark on an adventure with Lewis (assuming he's still alive), so I'm happy to see more of the world. I think it would be easier to give a good assessment on chapters when they're a little more finished than this.

Great comments as usual. Belili's tale was completely spur-of-the-moment, but I like the way it turned out. I had a similar concern about Kisare's lack of urgency when writing. I may need to give her something else to do.

Chapter 19 Previously: Kisare and Belili escaped their captivity on the Aricaba plantation, along the way finding that Belili has a lock of magical hair colored brown, enabling her to use the Fruit that grows in their land to do magic. They meet up with Hbelu, prince of the displaced Asha-Urmana people, and plan to work in his village, building a new life. However their old master attacks with his uguards. The village fends him off, though he vows to return. Hbelu, the elders, and Kisare and Belili hold a council, and Hbelu decides they must travel to Karduniash to activate the seeds. Kisare discovers she has some color in her hair as well. They start the journey to Karduniash, accompanied by Hbelu, Zikar, and Nidintu, but are soon ambushed a few days out from the village by Aricaba-Ata and Enti-Ilzi. Belili and Kisare escape, but Hbelu is captured. The sisters, with the advice of the scout, decide to follow the noble’s trail. They come across a town, and dye their hair to disguise themselves as Asha-Urmana to search for Hbelu. In the town they meet up with Gemeti, a mysterious old woman, who decides to come with them and make them into nobles. They meet with the local Asha-Urmana, who allow the three to travel with them. Over a few weeks, they learn about being nobles, travel with the Asha-Urmana nearer the capital, and practice their magic. The three travel close to Karduniash, but are betrayed by a forger, and are forced to split up by the town guard. Each sister travels a different path to enter the city. Kisa avoids the guards and reunites with Gemeti, while Belili makes her own way into the palace. Both of them manage to get rooms in the palace, though Belili’s are more favorable than Kisare’s. Belili confronts and kills Ilzi, as well as gaining information about Aricaba-Ata, while Kisare is introduced by Gemeti to a high noble sympathetic to her cause. Thanks for any comments!

Glad to see the final lineup, Robinski. If you haven't read Mary Robinette Kowal's Glamourist Histories, the 4th one takes place in Venice and is very enjoyable!

Same for me, as usual. On the plus side, I'm getting close to the end of the story and after that I'll stop submitting for a while. Next week's entry is a little shorter (2600 words).

It's already done--I'm just posting chapters now for feedback on rewriting. There are 23 chapters total and a short epilogue, so you're almost there. I'll probably have to split a couple of the last chapters into two weeks as they're large. As to "first book," This is supposed to be stand-alone. I'll let you guys comment on how well I did that. ;-)

Thanks for the comments. The magic is probably what I will have to work on the most in the revision. Comments at the beginning suggest I didn't explain it well enough, which I why there is perhaps too much explaining now! Glad you liked the fight in general. I think that's one of my favorite scenes. As to arcs, you're probably right there too. I know there's some dead space that needs to be removed, and I can add in some needed information about character development and plot streamlining.

There were several spelling and grammatical errors in this one, but aside from that I enjoyed this submission a lot. we get some more information about the town and its surroundings. I still don't have a really good idea of how far the other villages are from this one, or whether they're in the forest our outside of it. I assume they have farms and things. There's some good description of the giant, which also gives me some idea of the size. Some of this information could have come earlier, though. The relationship with Lewis is pretty sudden. You've mentioned him in the past, but I don't have a good idea of his character yet, not how long he has to travel to get to Willow's town. Not too much else to comment on. I'm still interested in where this is going, what larger conflict will develop, and how the magic/scripture actually works. Some notes: pg 2: "noticed the river of green like bleeding up " --something missing pg 3: "she had an arrow throw her eye" --through? pg 14: I didn't get that Starfall was the name of the town until the second time you mentioned it in the chapter. Have you said it before? Quite a few typos throughout, more toward the end of the chapter, and a few other missing words as well.

I have pretty much exactly the same response as Majestic Fox. For being only 800 words, this read "long," mainly because there was a lot of description, but nothing really to catch my attention. The first paragraph was good, and then you started to lose my interest. I liked the idea of the modular city, but was too bogged down in details about the letter (which I really didn't about at this point) and how long it takes to get places. I'm a lot more interested in why there are runes, which war is being fought and what trouble Tom will be getting into.

And here I thought you just kept coming back for the upvote... ;-)

I liked this section more than I thought I would. I was ready for another slowdown in pace as Rutland talked to various faculty, but I liked the interchange with Dr. Watt. Not sure if that will be relevant later, but I made a comment on it below. I'm also wondering now if he's going to survive the book. The part with Sabine was very interesting and showed some good character development. Now I'm wondering which version of her is the act, and which is true! Comments: pg 1: "To what effect he knew not, but at least he could dismiss the act as idle curiosity was Sabine to challenge him on it later in the evening." --something wrong with this sentence pg 2: "He only hoped that they did require some poor victim to lay down their life" --"did not require," I assume... pg 2: "He was spitting mad" --This is a big opportunity for show insead of tell. You've been describing thoughts for a page or so, but could break it up with Blacklake's actions showing his mood. pg 5: " There were some females in the gallery, but not many, the majority wore academic black, but the handful of women who were civilians did nothing to raise their conspicuousness, having chosen muted, autumnal colours such as grey, rust and olive." --big run-on sentence pg 6: A Scottish Engineer? Shall I cry Mary Sue? ;-) Or is this a play on James Watt? pg 10/11: Blacklake first tells Sabine to leave Dr. Watt alone, then sets him up to meet with him the next day. Wouldn't that potentially result in Watt's death? pg 14-16: Some good development for Sabine (if it's true) pg 16: "He had to now" --know

Thanks for the comments! Glad you like the POV shifts. It was a lot of fun to write them (as was Belili vs. Ilzi). Yes, I do have some concerns about how long Hbelu is missing from the story. He will reappear--never fear! I guess you can tell me at the end whether it was too long, or long enough.

Chapter 18 Previously: Kisare and Belili escaped their captivity on the Aricaba plantation, along the way finding that Belili has a lock of magical hair colored brown, enabling her to use the Fruit that grows in their land to do magic. They meet up with Hbelu, prince of the displaced Asha-Urmana people, and plan to work in his village, building a new life. However their old master attacks with his uguards. The village fends him off, though he vows to return. Hbelu, the elders, and Kisare and Belili hold a council, and Hbelu decides they must travel to Karduniash to activate the seeds. Kisare discovers she has some color in her hair as well. They start the journey to Karduniash, accompanied by Hbelu, Zikar, and Nidintu, but are soon ambushed a few days out from the village by Aricaba-Ata and Enti-Ilzi. Belili and Kisare escape, but Hbelu is captured. The sisters, with the advice of the scout, decide to follow the noble’s trail. They come across a town, and dye their hair to disguise themselves as Asha-Urmana to search for Hbelu. In the town they meet up with Gemeti, a mysterious old woman, who decides to come with them and make them into nobles. They meet with the local Asha-Urmana, who allow the three to travel with them. Over a few weeks, they learn about being nobles, travel with the Asha-Urmana nearer the capital, and practice their magic. The three travel close to Karduniash, but are betrayed by a forger, and are forced to split up by the town guard. Each sister travels a different path to enter the city. Kisa avoids the guards and reunites with Gemeti, while Belili makes her own way into the palace. Both of them manage to get rooms in the palace, though Belili’s are more favorable than Kisare’s. Thanks for any comments!

Putting in standard request for next week, with standard dropping back corollary.

Thanks Majestic Fox! Good comments. I'll agree Bel wandering about is not the most interesting. I'll need to make that clearer and more to the (plot) point when rewriting. Also, that is actually where the chapter ends. It's a bit of a cliffhanger for what's coming next.

Overall, I liked the chapter, and didn't notice any glaring inconsistencies. I'm interested to know more about the giant, though I'm wondering how they're a threat if they move so slowly. We're still learning about Willow's powers, but I have a feeling things are going to blow up soon if she runs around healing everyone. I can't imagine that's good for her body. Some notes: pg 2: I forget, is Violet older or younger? Here she seems like a spiteful old woman, but I don't think you've said. pg 3: did we meet Lewis yet? (can't remember) pg 3: "Clara was stood outside the grain house loading sacks onto the back of a wagon. ‘You can work the rest out for yourself.’" I was confused here who was talking. pg 5: I"m glad we got to know about Blue Tor, the next village over, but I'm still a little lost on the general landscape. It sounds like this village is in a forest? I don't really have a good lay of the land. pg 7: "You can it Willow" --You can do it Willow pg 8: "felt a prickle of something was she crept past Olga’s house, but decided not to dwell on it." --The last part of this sentence screams "plot element" to me. I think the sentence stands well without it. pg 8: Couldn't she also find her way by a light in the village? Or is there no light at all at night? Looking forward to more!

Gwslow--thanks for the comments. You may be right on them knowing about the Olive powers. That part had a couple changes and I may have messed up the sequence.

Thanks for the feedback! Good point on Bel being captured. I guess Kisa doesn't know if she isn't, but then doesn't know if she is either. I've had some other concerns on the magic system, so I'll be doing a lot of editing in that regard. Good suggestion. Glad there were some surprises! Hopefully they'll keep coming.

I'll start with comments as I read: pg 1: "“Titles will be sufficient.” “Very well,” Kellic bowed deeply. " --This seemed weird because you say you're going to use his title, and then use his name. pg 1: "“What may be less well known, your highness, is that the Neren’tev predicted this collapse before even your father’s father drew breath. Disorder inevitably follows an overextension of power.”" --I like that the dire predictions here are not based on some arcane prophesy, but on a political prediction. I see a future Marxist society trying to emerge... --And then the king refers to it as a prophesy. I like it. pg 2: "Belisefe frowned again. The prototype was fast becoming his last, desperate option, which unsettled him. All pawns were already in play, but the game was still young. If he couldn’t see alternatives, he would have to make them. " --this last section seems very generic and doesn't really add anything. The previous paragraph had a better closing statement. pg 3: "that tavern" --why not give it a name? pg 4: "Lianye felt at ease within the unadorned wooden walls, a feeling she had long since forgotten, and reasoned that after another night here they would seek other accommodations." --So why does she think they will move if she's finally comfortable? pg 5: I like the misdirection with the exploding pouch pg 6: "Should I sing, she wondered." --Should I sing? she wondered. --Also, I think this is the first mention of some sort of magic, three chapters in, so I was a little confused. Also, unless the explosions happened at exactly the same time, which is hard to do, either Rend would have heard something upstairs or Lianye downstairs. Sounds like Rend's happened slightly before, from your description. pg 7: okay, did not realize that it was Dev who did part of that. pg 9: why did Lianye hide from Rend? She seemed to trust him pretty well. pg 10: fire is a very serious business. There should be people coming to help put out the flames, if only for a sense of preservation so the fire won't spread to buildings they own. Overall, this was a good selection. Lots of things happened, and the different stories started to come together. I'm interested by the Song, but a little confused that no one has mentioned it before--or am I just forgetting things? Anyway, most of my comments are up above. Looking forward to the net submission!

Glad I'm not the only one!

Previously: Kisare and Belili escaped their captivity on the Aricaba plantation, along the way finding that Belili has a lock of magical hair colored brown, enabling her to use the Fruit that grows in their land to do magic. They meet up with Hbelu, prince of the displaced Asha-Urmana people, and plan to work in his village, building a new life. However their old master attacks with his uguards. The village fends him off, though he vows to return. Hbelu, the elders, and Kisare and Belili hold a council, and Hbelu decides they must travel to Karduniash to activate the seeds. Kisare discovers she has some color in her hair as well. They start the journey to Karduniash, accompanied by Hbelu, Zikar, and Nidintu, but are soon ambushed a few days out from the village by Aricaba-Ata and Enti-Ilzi. Belili and Kisare escape, but Hbelu is captured. The sisters, with the advice of the scout, decide to follow the noble’s trail. They come across a town, and dye their hair to disguise themselves as Asha-Urmana to search for Hbelu. In the town they meet up with Gemeti, a mysterious old woman, who decides to come with them and make them into nobles. They meet with the local Asha-Urmana, who allow the three to travel with them. Over a few weeks, they learn about being nobles, travel with the Asha-Urmana nearer the capital, and practice their magic. The three travel close to Karduniash, but are betrayed by a forger, and are forced to split up by the town guard. Each sister travels a different path to enter the city. Kisa avoids the guards and reunites with Gemeti, while Belili makes her own way into the palace. Thanks for any comments!

I may have a poor internet connection this weekend, but would like to submit if possible. Unless self-deprecation occurs, of course!

Good catch here. I'll do more describing and less telling in the rewrite. As to Kisa escaping, she just ran after she recognized the situation. At that point, I don't think she had any Fruit handy to use. Thanks!

As to continued submissions, it's getting pretty thin on the comments for my stuff too. I'm a little farther on, so I'm going to forge ahead and see what I get. Anyway, whether you post in the Alpha Readers thread or here, you know I'll read it! pg 1 "his first thought on walking " --"waking," I assume The next three pages are just Blacklake thinking, which tends to bog down a bit. I don't think you even have any movement tagged, so for all I know, he's just sitting unmoving at a table for an hour. pg 4: "Today Judith went through the motions." --seems unnecessary. We know she's washing things. pg 7: "but never to the extent that serious developed" --something wrong here And then Judith does some thinking for a further 3 pages. She's at least washing clothes at the time. pg 13: Good play between what Blacklake thinks about Sabine and what actually happened pg 15: "Think things through the elder John Blacklake" --"through, the" pg 16: I feel like two glasses of wine probably don't help with making a robust shield... I liked the latter half of this section more than the former. At first, there was quite a lot of thinking going on, and not much doing. Later, you have some good tension between what happens with Judith and Sabine, and Blacklake's self-imposed ignorance. I'm interested to see what happens at the party, and whether Sabine has Judith in tow.

Thanks for the feedback, as always! As to Bel's decision, she's not being entirely reliable in relation to her hair. There are some other hints previously, but this might suffer some from "weekly reader" syndrome.