Mandamon

9 17th Shard Discussion 13 General Brandon Discussion 12 Events and Signings 12 Cosmere Theories 14 Mistborn 5 Warbreaker 11 The Reckoners 13 The Rithmatist 8 Alcatraz 10 Writing Excuses 16 Reading Excuses 11 General Discussion 11 Creator's Corner 11 Role Playing 20 Mistborn: The Inquisition 20 Sanderson Elimination 20 Stormlight Archive 0 Introduce yourself! 0 Tech Support 0 The Coppermind Wiki 0 Interview Database 0 Cosmere Short Stories 0 Other Stories 0 The Wheel of Time 0 TWG Archive 0 AMAs 0 Tech Discussion 0 Reckoners RPG 0 Social Groups, Clans, and Guilds 0 Entertainment Discussion 0 Elantris and Emperor's Soul

Reading Excuses FTW! 9 17th Shard Discussion 13 General Brandon Discussion 14 Events and Signings 12 Cosmere Theories 16 Mistborn 6 Elantris and Emperor's Soul 9 Warbreaker 10 The Reckoners 13 The Rithmatist 10 Alcatraz 10 Writing Excuses 12 Reading Excuses 11 General Discussion 10 Creator's Corner 10 Role Playing 20 Mistborn: The Inquisition 20 Sanderson Elimination 20 Stormlight Archive 0 Introduce yourself! 0 Tech Support 0 The Coppermind Wiki 0 Interview Database 0 Cosmere Short Stories 0 Other Stories 0 The Wheel of Time 0 TWG Archive 0 AMAs 0 Tech Discussion 0 Reckoners RPG 0 Social Groups, Clans, and Guilds 0 Entertainment Discussion

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The story itself is interesting, but it's hard to read through all the grammatical errors. I like the worldbuilding I've seen so far, and I'm interested to see how the magic works here. I don't have a great feel for the characters yet, but it's only the first chapter. I would think a once-over proofread would catch most of these errors pretty quickly and make this a lot easier to read. The advice above is good. Reading out load certainly helps you catch errors. There are also some consistent mistakes in not finishing sentences within quotes, especially with question marks, and consistent lack of commas. Notes below: ---- LOTS of punctuation errors: commas, periods, periods after quotes (rather than in the quotes), verb/noun agreement, lack of question marks, lack of italics on internal thoughts Some examples of lack of comma usage: This is an awful idea, we’re not knights, Bloody Sprits we’re not even soldiers. We’re geologists not heroes. "They look like claw marks" I remark, Come on lets hurry". I spin around raising my crossbow to my shoulder looking down the bone shaft to the tip of the razor sharp flint arrowhead. it better be it took me a week to set the sights to the right distances. Lastly, I'm not big on present-tense prose, but that's a personal preference. Here there is the problem of mixing the boy's thoughts (which are usually in present tense) and speech, and not giving clear indication which is which.

pg 2: the handcuff humor is a little forced... pg 4: “Just the people in the room.” --in *this* room? pg 4: "After her sister Jessica passed away, her mother tried to find. " --missing something pg 6: “Okay, see ya, Boss.” Stephanie said. --except Sean is her boss? This had some good character development in it, but I felt a lack of urgency with the mission they were on. Is someone following it up? I seem to remember a time limit of some sort, so I would think they would all be scrambling if it's a day later. This is also starting to remind me of Larry Correia's Monster Hunter books as well. He deals a lot with the personal aftermath of monster attacks, like people changing in to vampires or zombies, which gives a lot of depth to the story. Looking forward to next time!

The first section (until pg 3) is very passive, which I suppose fits with Blacklake's mood, but doesn't keep the attention well. Judith's section is much more active and reads better. Hmm...the ending is a little confusing. Has Sabine possessed her in some way, or is her body still alive somehow? It does help to explain why there are blocked/missing feelings, but you might be able to highlight that more to give the ending more zing (I assume Sabine's consciousness is what's keeping Judith and Blacklake apart). I would almost rather see Blacklake's last section removed altogether and keeping the epilogue from Judith's POV. Maybe it would add more suspense? Dunno, but I'm out on the thin ice of suggesting things, so I'll leave it up to you. Anyway, congrats on another finished submission! Like the Tontine Inn, this was captivating, though this had perhaps more "thinky" moments. I'm interested to read the other novellas. How many of them have you written? Like Rdpulfer, I'm eager to see Judith progression going forward. I think she might be a more interesting character than Blacklake, especially if Sabine/Tarquin is still around.

Ah yes, now I remember Clement. Tricky subject depending on if these stories are meant to be read together, or as separate entries. It's likely readers won't remember Clement and thus question the line. Good visual. That helps out a lot. But seeing the shape of the bridge, and since it is the title, I would go into a lot more description of why it's a mathematical bridge--why it was named so and how the (I presume mathematically defined) trusses are shaped.

Thanks Robinksi! Always good to post the comments here as well. Maybe it will generate some more discussion.

Just happened to run across this today. I'll be going as well. Are you all on the google group? Looks like Akoebel is going.

pg 1: "looking north along Trumpington Street. He could not bring himself to go that way" --why? I don't remember anything specifically about that street, but there have been a lot of street names mentioned. pg 2: "‘Yes,’ he said, as if Rutland had correctly guessed some secret pass code:" --I like this line. pg 5: "I know you remember what happened to Clement" --Does the reader know this? Or am I just forgetting? pg 6: "He itched to push his consciousness across the space between the bridges " --is there more than one bridge? Where is Blacklake standing? Is he still 40 yards away? pg 6: "It would mean going back on the promise that he had made himself," --This doesn't seem like a good reason anymore to me. The love of his life is about to get killed, and he can just reach into her mind and stop it. He's done it to Tarquin. Why doesn't he? The next paragraph covers this somewhat, but I'm still not convinced by him being afraid of how she sees him. If he's so afraid of this, can't he affect Sabine instead of Judith? pg 8: "she" --should pg 12: As with last time, a lot of the "mental" description is pretty vague. There aren't any bounds set for how this works, so I don't know if what Blacklake is doing is remarkable or not. pg 13: "She saw her end and her desperation turned to pleading" You tell us this, but Sabine hasn't spoken since Blacklake made the net around her mind. pg 14: Sabine's death is sort of anticlimactic. It's easy for Blacklake, as he already has her caught. This might actually be a point where you want to pause for a moment and analyze his thoughts before (or after) he ends another life. He's known her a lot longer than Judith. Does he feel relief? Anger? pg 16: "faded into darker and deeper shades of red and brown, always approaching black." This is where I find the mental description confusing. You're assigning colors to things, but I don't know what they are. pg 16: The end is a little ambiguous. I'm sure we'll find out more in the Epilogue, but so far it seems like there needs to be more to this chapter showing whether Judith is alive or not. Overall: There was more action here again, which is good, but now I'm starting to have problems with the mental actions, since you are using them more. I wrote a little above, but I think the problem I have is that you haven't put any rules on the system, so I can't be surprised or proud of what Blacklake does. Basically you're falling afoul of Sanderson's first law of magic: "An author's ability to solve conflict with magic is directly proportional to how well the reader understands said magic." For example, disabling Tarquin seemed too easy compared to the fight with Sabine, but I can't say how. Similarly, Blacklake does something to Judith, but I can't really tell what, or whether it's a revolutionary thing, or something Sabine or Tarquin could have easily done. I did enjoy this, and I'm looking forward to the conclusion to see what happens with Judith. I think this can be a really solid piece with some touchups.

pg 1: "several old, leathery editions. The wall was decorated with several plaques and certificates," --"Several" repeated pg 1: "plus leather sofa." plush? pg 6: by this points, the hints that Lawrence/Bannister is some sort of werewolf are pretty obvious. pg 8: “Yeah, Hyde was. He was the first to get pinched,” --I might be being dense, but it took me this long to figure out that Bannister was against the monster hunters from last chapter. I suppose it should be obvious. Maybe because he wasn't mentioned by name in the last chapter. Still interesting, but I'm a little confused on what the organizations are, who Westerna is, and what they're fighting about (besides that one side is monsters and the other is monster hunters). Also, if Renfield betrayed Dracula, then was Dracula not teamed up with the other monsters? At this point, I'm starting to wonder what the stakes are and how the lines are drawn, now that we know some of the characters. On a more technical note, some of the dialogue is a little choppy, with answers not necessarily coming after the questions. Sometimes it felt like the characters weren't talking, but instead answering in the way that would give the reader information.

Great comments. I agree that the Asha-Urmana are not used very much here. I think I need to have a much bigger focus on their movements. If I add in a POV from Hbelu, hopefully I can emphasize that aspect. The ending is definitely short. I thought about adding more to the epilogue, but I want to make sure I don't water things down too much. I'll have to think about that some. Thanks again!

Chapter 23, part 2, and Epilogue Last time, the new tree grew, and the Dyad found it did nothing for them. Here is the conclusion of Fruits of the Gods Looking for any of the usual comments here, as well as final thoughts since this is the end of it. I’m interested to see if this ties things up for you, and if I’ve kept the promises that I started the book with (for those who've read the whole thing). Are there extra parts here that need to be carried back to the beginning? Thanks to everyone for all the feedback and comments since whenever I started posting this. I’ll be taking a break from posting for a few weeks most likely, and I’ll start editing this one later on this year.

I think you're on to something there...

Putting in my request for the last entry of Fruits of the Gods. After which I will drop back on the submissions for a while.

Note with your intro, you actually come to 5688 words, which is 7 words longer than my submission! This is why I don't put my summaries in my submissions... pg 6: Is there a reason the other pedestrians are avoiding him? I thought he was making a face or something, but you don't mention it in the text. pg 8: Tarquin threatens to betray Blacklake to Judith, but when Blacklake says he's told her some already Tarquin gets angry. So was it in an empty threat? I don't imagine Tarquin would do that. Before that Tarquin says Blacklake has his freedom, but he obviously does not if Tarquin is still planning to "clean up" after him with Judith. You do explain this better a little further on, in that Blacklake is free to make his own choices. But I would argue he isn't free if Tarquin is coming after him. Although I think now I might be arguing with the character rather than the writer... pg 12/13: I was a little confused by what Blacklake did to stun Tarquin. He reached out to everyone at once? pg 13-16: the description of what Blacklake is doing to Tarquin is also little confusing, but then I suppose we don't have good words to describe it. You do say people were avoiding them, but might not someone come to see what the matter is when two men silently face each other for several minutes, and then fall on the ground? Even if Tarquin is doing something to keep them away, they should start coming once he's stunned. --edit: Ok, then you address it the next paragraph with the undergraduates. I'm still surprised no one came before then, or was the whole confrontation a matter of seconds? More cliffhangers! I shall have to wait until next time... Overall, a captivating section. I'm wondering what will happen to Tarquin and whether Blacklake did permanent damage. A few minor quibbles, but a solid piece in all.

Yes, I feel I need to up the danger in the last section of the book. I agree the sisters aren't really threatened. Hopefully, if I clear up the magic beforehand, I can slip the Mulberry reference in, or gloss over it, so that it's still a bit of a mystery here. I left the name of the new Fruit out here just because it's not well known, but it does get named in the next bit (and you should be able to figure out what it is by the description and a google search). But good catch on Marut's personality. He might well blurt it out...

Thanks for the feedback. Sensory description, and description in general, if where I tend to fall short on the first draft. I'll note to add more in here when I edit.

I like the gathering monsters, but the villains here seem very similar to the group from The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, which has seen a lot in both film and graphic novel format. I'm guessing the monster hunters are trying to get rid of them, and the name drop of Renfield sets up some tension between sets of main characters. However, I think this was less polished than the prologue. There were several places with wrong word choices, some missing words, and some passive voice. Things that could probably have been corrected by a once-over before submission. It was enough to distract me while reading. I noted below how you seem to be forcing the reader to dislike Holmwood, though we haven't actually met him yet. I want to be able to form my own opinion. Not being able to come up with a good cover story on the fly doesn't necessarily mean a person is incapable. Not quite sure what's going on at the end of the chapter. Did she read the scroll? Or did something else attack her? My first thought was the blob (from old B-movies) was swallowing her up. Overall, I'm still interested to see what the main plot of the novel will, as well as where the title comes in. So far it's been more on the Urban Fantasy/Thriller end of the spectrum, where a title with "mancer" in it means more of a Sword and Sorcery Fantasy novel to me. Notes: pg 1: "Still, Stephanie could stop some signs of life from her binoculars." --see signs of life? pg 2: "making another sweep or the perimeter" --around? pg 2: "She was content with any reply, as long as what happened in that hotel room during an op in New Orleans." --missing something. pg 3: Interesting. We now have Dracula, the Fish Man, and Mr. Hyde. Shaping up to be an Anti-league of Extraordinary Gentleman? Not to mention Harker, Van Helsing, and Renfield. pg 4: "It didn’t help that she was down to a skeleton crew on this op. She only had six-man team on this op. Three of them were in the car with her. " --some repetition here. This could probably be rephrased into one sentence. There's been several of these so far. pg 6: There's a lot about how bad Holmwood is, but we haven't even really met him, besides a voice on the radio. It seems like a lot of priming to dislike a character, but I haven't seen any reason to yet. pg 7: "Ten minutes later, the five-member team was stacked outside a heavy-duty refrigeration door outside of the building known as Processing Four" --word repetition pg 8: "His smile was contagious." --you just said it was infectious a sentence back. I'd take out one of the references. pg 10: "It was louder than Stephanie had expected." This seems strange. How loud do you expect someone to scream when you shoot them? pg 11: "Her face exploded into pain as she fell backwards. She fell backwards" --repetition. "Before she could collect her thoughts, her brain exploded." --no it didn't...it might have felt like it did... pg 12: "She could feel the sharp feeling of something graze her leg." --what's a "sharp feeling?"

Chapter 23, part 1 - last chapter! Previously: Kisare and Belili escaped their captivity on the Aricaba plantation, along the way finding that Belili has a lock of magical hair colored brown, enabling her to use the Fruit that grows in their land to do magic. They meet up with Hbelu, prince of the displaced Asha-Urmana people, and plan to work in his village, building a new life. However their old master attacks with his uguards. The village fends him off, though he vows to return. Hbelu, the elders, and Kisare and Belili hold a council, and Hbelu decides they must travel to Karduniash to activate the seeds. Kisare discovers she has some color in her hair as well. They start the journey to Karduniash, accompanied by Hbelu, Zikar, and Nidintu, but are soon ambushed a few days out from the village by Aricaba-Ata and Enti-Ilzi. Belili and Kisare escape, but Hbelu is captured. The sisters, with the advice of the scout, decide to follow the noble’s trail. They come across a town, and dye their hair to disguise themselves as Asha-Urmana to search for Hbelu. In the town they meet up with Gemeti, a mysterious old woman, who decides to come with them and make them into nobles. They meet with the local Asha-Urmana, who allow the three to travel with them. Over a few weeks, they learn about being nobles, travel with the Asha-Urmana nearer the capital, and practice their magic. The three travel close to Karduniash, but are betrayed by a forger, and are forced to split up by the town guard. Each sister travels a different path to enter the city. Kisa avoids the guards and reunites with Gemeti, while Belili makes her own way into the palace. Both of them manage to get rooms in the palace, though Belili’s are more favorable than Kisare’s. Belili confronts and kills Ilzi, as well as gaining information about Aricaba-Ata, while Kisare is introduced by Gemeti to a high noble sympathetic to her cause. Kisare learns more about the Dyad from the high noble, while Belili spins a story about her background to gain Marut’s favor. At the Cherry Festival, Kisare’s eyes are opened to Noble life, and she and Belili both meet the Dyad, as well as have a confrontation with Aricaba-Ata. The Dyad forbid them to fight, and say the group with the best present for them will “win.” That night, Kisare talks with Marut’s shadow and learns about the noble’s structure. The next day, Belili finds and confronts Aricaba-Ata where he is hiding Hbelu. She reveals Aricaba-Ata is her father. He will not release Hbelu, but at least she knows he is alright. At the second night of the festival, the Dyad reveal they have their own Asha-Urmana. Aricaba-Ata introduces Hbelu, the sisters give the box to the Dyad, and Hbelu offers to interpret the marks of the gods on it. Thanks for any comments!

True. I believe brass, zinc, and aluminum corrode or tarnish, while ferrous materials rust. Except if it's brass plating, then the iron or steel underneath might rust...

Just as another data point, I didn't pick up that the gateway was to another world while reading. I thought it was a gateway to another part of the country.

I'll put in my request as well for the penultimate entry in Fruits of the Gods! If we go over, I can drop back.

This captured my interest more than the first chapter, and I think more than Willow's chapters. This has a lot of good development for Ambrose and for the story in general. I'm left wondering how the Keepers and Willow's religious group are related. The House of Lords and the meeting with Lyle start to increase the reader's knowledge of geography and local groups without being infodumpy, which is good. Lyle seems familiar. I think I remember Willow mentioning his name, but I might be making that up. I didn't catch the inconsistency at the House of Lords, unless it's something to do with the geography note I made below. Notes: pg 4: I like how Ambrose is certain of the maid's name, even though he's wrong. pg 4: "She raised dutifully raised an eyebrow" --repeated word. pg 5: "stepped around the man" --he already dodged past him the paragraph before. pg 6: "towered up above the less ministries" This seems an odd word choice. Maybe smaller? Less important? pg 6: interesting that Ambrose seems to be for the "common man" when he's disgusted by most of them. He seems more like a lord himself in manner than one of the masses, but his aim is to liberate them? I don't think we've gotten much information on the Kovorus yet, so this makes me interested to find out what it can do and what these gateways are. pg 7: "Munoria" This is one of the first region or country names mentioned. I don't remember if you told us where they are yet, and I can't remember if you gave a region name for where Willow lives. I'm trying to mentally place this alongside the second Willow chapter and wonder if I would be as confused by the geography if I was still getting into the story. Don't know if it's a problem or not. pg 8: "Yathrin hills in Govoria" okay, here's another place name. pg 10: "quetching" not familiar with this. pg 20: "but I fear your to going to take more " --something missing There are a lot of different words to describe Ambrose (and others) walking. This isn't neccessarily bad, but it started to grab my attention as the different terms mounted up. I don't think you ever actually say that someone "walked." swept padded strode briskly dodging past stepped around Wellwright staggered back padded leisurely stepped into Looking forward to more!

--Does the prologue grab your attention? --Yep. You've got some good sensory description, which draws the reader in, and start off with mentioning the emperor and then poison in the first two lines. You specifically mention Naiyu getting rid of the poison, which is very effective in contrast with the end of the prologue. --What do you notice about Naiyu as a character? Does she interest you? --I have to say she's not the most interesting character yet, simply because we don't see much of her thoughts. But by the end, I'm wondering what she's hiding, so that probably works with what you intend. --I struggled with managing Naiyu's thoughts, since I wanted to show off bits of her character, but I also wanted to keep the majority of her thoughts hidden, and reveal them later on. --I can see this. Naiyu comes across as a little bland. However, she's a Japanese (?) servant, and the aren't known for their expressiveness, so it sort of works. Especially if you go right into childhood, before she's learned to control her thoughts, that would show the difference in time. --A strategy I tried to use is to really focus on sensory intake, and describe Naiyu experiencing the scene, rather than her thoughts about it. Do you think I managed it, or do you have suggestions for what I can do better? --Worked for me. More sensory description is always good in a book. There was a big dissonance in the end as the emperor is dying between what the sons show and what Naiyu shows. That part felt a little off, just because she wasn't reacting at all, but that also made me question what her motives were. If she was the one who poisoned him, that makes sense. if it wasn't her, then she should be freaking out a lot more. Looking forward to more, and learning how this comes about. As Robinski says, we now have to wait a long time to find out what happens right before this scene. In a full length novel, I'd be skeptical of going back to her childhood, but for a novella, I think it can work.