Mandamon

I have similar comments to Andyk. The magic system and caste system are interesting, but needs some more work on showing and not telling. Some comments below: Pg 1: "walked through the city that had recently renamed itself to be called Airendale" --walked through the city recently renamed Airendale Pg 1: "In the world of Cryos, monarchy and rule was based on hair color: blond hair, Righor's true hair color, was the highest; brown hair was lower; and black hair was the lowest color. Red hair was so uncommon anywhere other than the Shattered Isles, which ruled themselves in an entirely separate way, that nobody knew what their position would be." --take this out. We don't care about all this yet. Pg 1: "He did so using the Waves–a telepathic link any dragon had to their DragonBound. This was the first ability DragonBound had. Righor couldn't Bind with his dragon too soon, or he'd be seen." --Again take this out until later. You could simply say he talked to the dragon using the Waves, but don't try to explain this yet. Pg 1: "I am, in fact, one of the most powerful DragonBound in existence. A lord even among DragonBound. I have so much Untapped Potential–" Untapped Potential was the amount of "strength" a DragonBound had, and not what they could and knew how to use, but actually how much they had, "–that I can even Block Waves and Wave-signals."" --Nope. No one introduces themselves like this. Take it out until later. Pg 1: ""As I said, I can Block Waves. I can also feel when Waves are sent, and who is sending them–or, at least, where they are coming from. I just felt a Wave-signal from you. And Binding is done via Wave-signal. I thought a Journeyer would know something like that."" --and this. You could leave in "I can Block waves" Pg 2: "He was in a bed, where he must have been sleeping" --obvious to the reader that you would sleep in a bed you were in. "Now listen closely. I can only say this once."" --Why can he only say it once? Pg 3: Some of the humor is good, but a whole page of punning gets very old quickly. Humor is better when we understand the character a little better. You're only 3 pages in. I would focus more on developing the character first. And then some more infodumping. Righor phasing over to his dragon seems almost like a cheat to get out of the prison. It would be much more exciting for him to struggle to get out and back to his dragon. Pg 4: Lots more infodumping about the shape of the continent and the Lake. Again, not really pertinent to the story yet, so I would focus more on Righor's character. Much better than the last version, and a good hook at the end to draw the reader into the next chapter. There's a lot of extraneous information you can take out, though, and I think this would make the whole thing a lot stronger and draw the reader in quicker.

That is totally becoming my title...

I'm complex and unnecessary!

I know you said you wanted magic to not be the focus of the story, but I'm more interested in the summary above than in The Wasting Room itself! I feel like there's a lot of conflict that can be explored with the societal tensions of the adepts, rogue adepts, and scarcity of aether. You have a good magic system set up, a la Sanderson. Your magic is a physical thing, has a easy to understand use, and and is limited in abundance. I think putting more "at risk" moments and making clear the protagonist can't reveal he is an adept will increase the tension a lot and let you play with using magic, but only in a way that is hard to detect. Cole would also have some more tension added to his character if there is the risk that he and the protag might come to blows or cancel each other out using their adept powers. Alternately, maybe neither knows the other is an adept at first, which means each would secretly assume he is the superior. Just throwing some things out here, but the fact you've made story scenarios spin through my head with your explanation tells me there's some more material to be explored.

A couple comments: Pg 3: how long is the carriage ride? His arms and fingers are going to get really tired... pg 4: some more too on-the-nose maid and butler dialogue. pg 5: and then he rides the carriage back. It would be good to at least mention how tiring it is to ride under the carriage. pg 13: the protagonist is familiar with the wasting room, so it seems odd that he wouldn't think it a trap with only two people until after being in the room. I had to go back and read over the first chapter to answer some of my questions. Having that fresh in my mind, I can see that this was all a set up for Cole. That said, I was expecting something a little more. The original premise makes a lot about Aether and how it works, but that isn't really involved in the heist at all except as a tool. Instead, the protagonist states pretty clearly that he's going to do something to Cole because he's killed a nobleman. So then he befriends him, then follows through on his promise. There's not a lot of adversity in the story, nor is there much character to either Cole or the protagonist. This is a novelette, and it's well written and has some good worldbuilding, but I think it needs some other "zing" in it to make it really good. Something to give the protagonist trouble with his objective, or something to change the objective completely during the story. As it is, I liked it, but I think it could be really impressive with some additional character and plot development. One other tidbit--I got the impression Cole was a fire adept from the first chapter. Is that correct? Responding to your writeup and questions above (I wrote the above before reading it) 1) Name the protagonist. It doesn't really matter for the story, but gives you a chance to increase the worldbuilding with a name and I don't have to type out "protagonist." He doesn't really need identifying tags since this is 1st POV, but I don't think the intentions were completely clear all the time. That can be good to increase some of the tension you're missing, but bad if it confuses the reader. 2) I like both the social engineering and the magic use. I think putting them together shows the strength of the magic system. I would use the combination more to overcome some of those new challenges you're going to include... 3) As stated above, and by andyk, the biggest problem here is the tension, or lack thereof. I didn't ever feel much tension between Cole and the protag. Cole is far too trusting. t's written well, so that's the first hurdle handled. I agree more character development will allow more tension, as will situations the protag can't readily handle. On the other side, social or personal challenges from the other characters will develop him a lot more. I think it was at it's best using magic in inventive ways to help out the style of the professional thief. With that, you can give him greater challenges, and have him overcome them with combinations of social engineering and magic.

I'll second that holding in/letting sound waves go is a cool idea. Very nice use of the magic system. I also agree with Andyk that this section was too "easy." I was originally going to say I didn't think enough happened, but I think Andyk's explanation gets more to the root of it. We're faced with completely competent and mature protagonist, so there's nowhere for him to grow. I wonder a little about the scope of the story. It's maybe 16-20k in length, which puts it on the short side of a novelette. Is there a reason you chose this length? I think there's plenty here that could be expanded into a larger story. Much of the magic system isn't explored. But on the other hand, I don't know if the writing is concise enough to work for a short story. This leads back to the comment that there's not enough obstacles for the protagonist. For a short story, you are focused on a particular instance, and can have appropriate roadblocks. This reads more like a novel, with the setup of the protagonist, magic use, Cole, and then the theft. You might actually have too much going on for the length of the story, and not enough time to develop enough conflict and character building to make the payoff worthwhile. I'll stop rambling now... Suffice to say I do like the writing and the story and I'm looking forward to the conclusion. I'll wait until then to give my final assessment.

I would actually suggest to keep writing this one. Is this your first book? If so, definitely keep writing it. You'd be amazed how much stuff you can/will change in just the first edit after you have the whole thing out on paper (or electrons, I suppose). Sanderson actually said in one of the Writing Excuses podcasts that he's written his "Great Golden Epic" (or something like that) and it wasn't very good. Trust me. Write this one, even if you don't think it will be good. You'll learn a whole lot about writing in the process. You will write great scenes in this book, even if you feel like the concept is past your ability. Then write another book. Repeat.

This was better in the purple prose department, and Candice wasn't quite as much head-over-heels for the cop. This strays back out of romance, which is good, though we still don't have any hint of the fantastic until the end of the chapter (not that that is bad...) However. I still never had any sympathy for a pushy cop trying to get a date. After the third (bad) attempt I was hoping Candace really would throw the coffee in his face and walk out. I'm honestly not sure Seth works, at least in the first impression. I get the feeling you intend him to be the love interest for Candice during the book (which has its own metaphysical problems), but without a large personality change, I don't see it from the first chapter. So, having prescient knowledge of what is to come in the next few chapters...I'm going to make suggestions. Please forgive the impudence. I would cut all this first part out and maybe show her exiting a theft, but then showing kindness to others. It plays her Heaven/Hell conundrum better and shows why she's considered a candidate for Hell. If Seth plays a large part in the story, then he could be the cop Candice is running from after a bungled theft. He would have seen her bad side only, and then she, as an angel, would have to show him her good side, which is much more difficult for her. I wouldn't do another rewrite of chapter 1 yet. if you haven't finished writing the book, do that first. Then you can see the whole arc of the story and whether the first bit works or not. Keep writing!

Interesting. I was thrown off by Joan's observations in the first couple pages. I started expecting fantasy and then realized it was taking place in present day. It was obvious she was a foreigner in some part of the U.S. It took me a while to realize what this was--until Hannibal starts to fight T.G. After that I guessed it was a cage match to determine whether Joan of Arc or Genghis Khan would win in a fight. Nothing really wrong with it in terms of writing, and it was paced well enough that it took me the appropriate amount of time to "get it." I don't know if this will stand up as a short story by itself without the readers being familiar with the concept of a cage match, but if that's what this is for, then it serves the purpose. I did like the sense of decoding what was really going on from a foreign POV to something familiar to us.

This has some good potential to it, but there is a lot of explaining going on. Some of which jagabond identified already. You can cut a lot of your paragraphs down to get the important information across. Right now, you keep going after you've told us what we need to know. pg 2: "The door opened and a short man in a bowler hat strolled in with his two bodyguards, one waiting outside the other stepping in with him. " --this is your real start to the story. Cut out as much of the explaining in the previous paragraphs and get to this point. pg 2: "None of this really passed through Ben’s mind once he noticed Giovanni enter the shop" --then he wouldn't be thinking it... I was also a little bothered Ben just walks away. There are many things he could do while the victim was incapacitated to finish him off. Of course, it might be plot-relevant, but then I question why you're letting plot points drive the action of the characters. It's an interesting start. In need of editing, but that can come later. I'm interested to see how you've set up the worldbuilding for this story. Definitely write some more and then submit it here.

Much better than the last couple chapters. We got some good progress, both physically and emotionally. I'm also glad Teimen finally got killed off--it gives some more space for these characters to work in. That said, I also see what andyk is saying. I was assuming this is the end of the first section of the story, after which Marnar and Saffen are going to more directly confront the "higher powers" i.e. Kavyelan and co. I like the action scenes, but the comma use puts me off. It does give a sort of breathless sense to reading it, but also makes me wince grammatically. As andyk says, shorter sentences are better. From reading your notes, I realized you were putting Marnar and Saffen together, but I'm not sure I would have picked up on it as much reading on my own. The relationship is in the very beginnings, but seems more as Marnar accepting another companion rather than anything romantic. I also think of Marnar as a lot older than Saffen. Not sure you've said anywhere or if I'm just making that up. I think this leads into what the others are saying about her decision being too sudden. I agree, even though I knew narratively it was the next step. Overall, I think this needs to be more of what the book is like instead of some of the previous chapters. I would even take out Gillus' POV. We get enough of his actions from the other two seeing him, and we don't really need to know the rest. Plus, narrowing this down to the important POVs (Marnar and Saffen's relationship) will give more importance where it's needed. This can be applied to the rest of the story as well. I know I harped on this already, but to make a final point (and get off my soapbox), every time you have a new POV, the reader has to mentally catalog all the relationships that character has. It washes out the strength of the emotional attachment. I wasn't really bothered by Teimen's death, even though he's had a POV. If you only tell this from a few characters--Marnar, Saffen, Damiel, and maybe one other--you can really pump up their emotions and character development without making this a 1200 page book. This also gives you more room to flesh out political and magical worldbuilding. End soapbox... Looking forward to the Alpha Readers version! One strange wording: pg 9: "The first had recovered, coming back at him, but not before he’d sliced the second’s sword arm, then leg ‘cause he can’t cross and gutted him" --not sure if this is left over editing notes or something else. Didn't quite understand this

I agree with andyk that the tone is still inconsistent. Whatever your religious (or not) bent, I think people would have trouble accepting saints encouraging murder. Wouldn't they instead coerce them to do better with their lives? Even Batman doesn't kill, and he's a pretty dark character. Things I liked: Still an easy-to-read tone. Consistent characters. They react as I think they should, if sometimes a little dense. Good imagery. I can see what you're describing well. Other things: pg 2: "Candace stared at Paul as if the man was calmly explaining that Chess was played with sticks of dynamite instead of Knights and Bishops." -eh? This put me in the mind of Steelheart and the bad metaphors. You keep telling us how bad Candace was, but stealing religious relics? She's already stated her conviction not to kill. Okay, she's a thief. I would categorize a "bad bad life" as one dripping with the blood of its victims, not with an unknown number of thefts of articles with significance to one particular religion, which may or may not be true. Who knows whose bones are really in more reliquaries? She's still not good, but not that bad. Other supernatural assassins given the chance to kill or go to Hell? Spawn and Ghost Rider. Candace doesn't really measure up. pg 9: "She wondered again at the mysterious tattoo." --wasn't it her tattoo? She knew when she got it, just not exactly how. After pg 12 it starts to drag on a bit with explanation. There's a lot of Paul saying things are required in the mysterious Contract, and I'm getting almost as fed up as Candace that nothing else is said about it. If it's a plot point, say it. If it's a spoiler, wait until later. But don't keep bringing it up and not saying anything about it. Annnd...she doesn't actually know how to use a sword, so she's going to cut her arm off without training, unless that knowledge magically comes with the sword. Overall, I think all this can be condensed a lot. It will keep us questioning things like the Contract and how Heaven works, until you can show us. The more you explain here, the more I'm inclined to poke holes in it. I think as you get into the main conflict of the book, it will become clearer.

I'm glad you tackled that one, Robinski. I thought something seemed fishy, but was too lazy to do the math. I have to say I enjoyed the account of Lord Rolando as well. I'm not adverse to wordiness (currently reading WoR...) when it's done right and has a reason. This had a reason to be wordy. It was a fabricated tale to persuade someone else. The more detailed and extravagant, the better.

On portraying the genre, it's mostly in word choices and descriptions of setting. Say there is a city on a world: -short houses, cobblestone streets, wood and stone construction, heavily populated market = fantasy or colony world that has forgotten it's origins (Pern) -brick mansions, steam-belching industry, forward thinking inhabitants, refined metals = steampunk or colony world -heavy traffic, stylized culture, credits, tall buildings, cleanliness = colony world/SciFi "Colony" and "Empire" are problematic, because they could either be an interstellar empire and colony worlds, or a seafaring empire and colony nations. A few words can clarify a lot, and be careful of which ones you use to describe. "Traffic" makes me think automobiles. "Crowds" makes me think people moving around on foot. Of course all this is generalization, but the reader will make a quick assumption when starting to read and then can be nudged in the correct direction with more description.

Once again I got here late (busy week) so most everything has been covered. I agree with Andyk and jParker on pretty much everything: the pacing was again too slow and you're still winching up the axe far past when we want to see it fall. In the first section, what are their intentions toward Saffen? Why keep her along at all? As jParker said, it seems more like plot pushing the main characters together. Still more set up with Marnar & co, but they still haven't gone anywhere. The whole first part takes place while breaking camp, getting ready to go south. You start with Celantorn contemplating Damiel, but with no action. As with jParker, I'm just not invested in Celantorn. I don't know what he adds to the story. You tell us about Damiel's abilities (some of which you've already told us about), but don't show why they are useful. I was also wondering about the physic(s), but jParker but it into words much better. They seem weak. Even in your own writing you acknowledge this; "They may not have physics to send messages, but signal fires could be effective too." Here, you break with getting ready for a council, but no action has been taken. Teimen is starting to seem ineffective. He can't hold on to Marnar, and now he's barely keeping his troops in check. In the last section you say Saffen is a hostage, but hostage against what? Your writing is still keeping me engaged; I think most of this can be corrected in a first edit by taking a liberal cut of the words and putting the action forefront rather than passive thinking about what is to happen. Andyk's point on POVs is spot on.

I have to say I agree with andyk on this one, on both his topics. There's too much explanatory dialogue. I got where she was on page two, but there's a whole lot of Candice not figuring out where she is, and the "surprised and disbelieving" gets annoying after about 6 pages. Also, lots of swearing for being in heaven... Similar to what andyk was saying about humorous vs. dark tone. They can be mixed well, but some of this comes across as a little forced, like the fake radio voice styn mentions. This could probably be shortened to a few pages. I felt like the point was belabored a lot before you came to a conclusion. Yes, it's heaven. The reader gets that from the start. After another 15 pages of describing it, we're ready to get to the point. If you expand the unique parts of this (Peter is a hippy, Candice is an angelic assassin, others in heaven want to bump her off) that will help draw the reader in . As others have said, the theme is not totally original, which means you have to work harder to make someone who's "read this before" care about it. I've learned on the pieces I've given out for critique that EVERY time your subconscious bugs you about something and you brush it off, a reader will pick up on that flaw. Anyway, despite the critical tone, I am looking forward to more. Your tone of writing is fresh and makes reading easy.

I'll second the point on first-person. It's not my favorite tense to read in, but this is done well enough that I don't notice it too much. pg 3: Is all this preparation really necessary for them to talk? I didn't get the impression the flooding was magical, rather that it was some mechanical action. Did I miss something or is that correct? pg 4-5: There's a lot of expository dialogue here to tell what's going on. I think it can be condensed to be less info-dumpy and give more hints than full explanations. pg 5: okay--here's an explanation of all the preparation. Still seems a little excessive just to have a private conversation. Didn't they say aether is pretty rare? The chances of this meeting being overheard are pretty slim. The repetitions of "greenhorn" get a little annoying. He knows Cole's name. You got my interest with the first two chapters, and this carried it to some extent. I can tell there's a big con planned, but I don't really know what it is. Sort of getting a vibe of "Thief." As these last two chapters were all preparation, I'm hoping the next couple chapters will have some action.

Welcome to Reading Excuses! Overall I think this has some potential. The writing is good, and the pacing is tense enough to keep reader interest. I assumed this was SciFi at first from "traffic," "Sapient Emprie," and "colony" but then realized it was fantasy as you described the architecture. I agree with the others on the plot inconsistencies of raiding during an attack and the lack of troops. I think this shows the main problem I had with this chapter. As to it being a prologue, I could go either way, depending on what the separation is between this and Ch1. pg 1: I've always had trouble believing in any people that has completely uniform and monotone architecture and surrounding. Just the physical variation between colonies would likely drive some differences. Also, how does bright archetecture = monotone? I associate bright with color, usually. pg 2: "Pearls were wildly rare this far inland, that coupled with a gold setting meant she would be able to fetch an outstandingly high price for the whole piece. " -wouldn't this mean it would also be very easy to trace? pg 4: "illogically, erratically and obsessively perfect" -these are not usually adjectives that go together... pg 10: "that she'd likely swallowed it." -that won't be fun if it starts burning again. Ah...yes: pg 11. I want to read more--keep writing! That said, I think you need to do some worldbuilding. Especially, the uniformity of the empire bugs me. If facial expressions are hard to read, that means the empire has been in place for a long time (longer than a generation). Governments trying to impose complete order (monotone surroundings, wearing masks) tend to go corrupt very quickly. The black market is a sign of this, but I would think there would be more signs of individuality, especially for the rich and poor. I would think they would use color on clothing as a sign. So I think to sum up my rambling: I'm interested, but you're going to have to show me some better reasons for why events happen.

I think the others have picked out the same points I did, so not much to say here. I agree with cutting anything that doesn't move the story along. I was also more confused than I expected from missing the middle part, even though it seems not a lot of time has passed. I think your descriptions of action are good, but as jagabond says, the dialogue tends to pull me out. Overall from what I've seen, I think the characters of the Sapphires could be more distinct and less cartoony-villain. We never really get a good sense of them except the standard destroy-the-world (or mulitverse) fare. What do they gain? Why go to all this trouble? Can they be altruistic at all, or is there no choice for them?

Welcome to Reading Excuses! My comments are similar to those above, and I think it's telling we all came up with the same points when reading this: pg 1: "She was a woman, after all." --I would cut this line. It can lead to a world of trouble in assumptions, gender roles, perceived chauvinism... Especially since you haven't yet identified the cop as male, I was confused why you needed to make this remark and at first assumed the cop was the one that was female. There's a lot of purple adjectives included: tantalizing aroma warm arms ridiculous false promise swarthy doom these are all from one paragraph. You might want to tone it down a little. It starts to sound more like a Harlequin than a Fantasy novel. The tone for most of the piece comes of more as a romance than the beginning of a fantasy. I might have to check to make sure I didn't get the wrong book. I'm not saying romance is bad, but andyk makes the point well when he says Candice dwells too much on her attraction to the cop. About halfway through, I was ready to punch him. I don't care how good looking he is, this gets into the "no means no" territory. Anyone who came on that strong I would suspect of an ulterior and not very nice motive. Couldn't Candice just have said "sorry, I'm not interested" and left? I don't think that would have put too much suspicion on her. Again, as andyk said, there's too much emphasis on the cop, and not enough on what/who Candice is and why we should be interested. I did think the end was a good hook, but the reader would have to get there first. It has potential, but needs to be streamlined a bit.

Interesting section. I like that the threads are coming together, but I think there is room for some more development of the team and also some some worldbuilding. pg1: Kara and holocats. Contrary to Robinski, something seems off with this to me. I get that it's an advanced society and she's a crazy cat lady, but why go to the bother of feeding and everything when the cat is holographic? Is there a dearth of real cats and is there a special need to pretend to feed something that will survive perfectly well without food? I know there can be all sorts of reasons to explain this, so maybe that's what I'm getting at. Give me a reason to believe Kara feeds holographic cats with holographic food (see section on worldbuilding below). pg 4: “I don't know why aren't already,” --missing something here. Jaime: There's a lot of setup here, but nothing really happens. You could cut all the conversation in the hall, have them arrive outside with the blood smear, and have the same effect. Andyk mentioned this already, but there's some worldbuilding missing with Kara and Emily's society. I get that Skynet's happening, but why? What social consequences? How? There's not enough time to address all this when you're flipping dimensions, but maybe throw some hints in. Maybe you can even connect the holographic cats with this. When the society is so far into virtual technology that it's commonplace to treat a hologram with as much devotion as a favorite pet (or another person), there is more potential for the systems to become self-aware. Are people ready for this step? Maybe some of them WANT their machine overlords to come about and created the singularity... pg 15: "without power, a water main burst, then another, and another." --why would they burst? Power isn't usually used to control water. Flow is controlled with diverter valves, so you wouldn't have any problem if the power went out. --Yay engineers! I wrote the above before reading the comments. My (mechanical engineering) understanding matches Robinski's on water and sewerage treatment methods. Engineers are inherently lazy, so having gravity do all the work with water is an accepted practice. I'm in favor of cutting the pipes bursting. In a built-up society, there are all sorts of safeties in place. Nothing's going to explode if the power is out for a few minutes. Now once flying cars start crashing into buildings, then maybe you'll have things exploding as gas mains and electrical connections get damaged. pg 18: "Even the blood was compressed beneath the metal." -Another engineering concern. This isn't likely. Fluids are very hard to compress. If there was enough force to do that, the falling skiff would have gone into the pavement. I'd cut this as well and note that the woman was reduced to a smear. pg 18: "Plus, at least it's not a dry desert no man wants to go.” “You're a dry desert no man wants to go,” Jaime said." --I don't get it. Sounds like you're missing a word, and the joke is rather tasteless anyway. I'll have to second other comments that the team doesn't really click together. They don't move as a unit, they waste time with useless jokes, and they don't play off each other very well. If you have 40 minutes for an extraction covering several city blocks, you have no time to communicate except for what words are essential. Plus they are opposing the Sapphires, so they need to get in and get out fast. Tightening the dialogue and description will help, as will reducing the amount of movement the team has to do. They should come in as near as possible to the target.

Hmmm...have to agree with jParker and andyk on this one. I'd say this was not the best of chapters so far. It was scattered and didn't have a lot of movement expect that Marnar and Saffen meet. As the others said, Saffen's recollections starting the chapter are pretty passive. I don't think any of it is necessary until she gets to the inn. I'm having some trouble visualizing the inn. Are all the rooms full and there's a sea of people sleeping in tents? I think I missed why there are so many people at the inn. Who is Gillus? Maybe I'm forgetting something from the last chapter with Marnar. I agree with jParker that the fight was rather slow. Celantorn and Damiel are...there...but we don't really get anything to go on. They're introduced; now what happens? To follow jParker's point, Celantorn = Celaborn in my head. I think a lot can be cut out of this chapter, and maybe even make it part of another chapter where there is more of a resolution.

First off, I was hooked from the first page and wanted to keep reading. That said, I agree with the others. I got about halfway through and realized I still had no idea what the Dirge was. The flashback were a little confusing, but nothing I couldn't handle. You might try to find a way to break them up more. By the I was still very confused, so I don't think the payoff came across. I wasn't sure whether the ending was in a flashback or not, and it seemed very abrupt--so much so that I wasn't sure if the story was finished. Overall, I can tell you're a good writer, and the imagery and characters are real. However, I get the feeling you're describing something you know about and forgetting to give a few needed hints to the reader to let them in on the secret.

I haven't had a problem with Varus or Cadmia particularly. The Varus chapters have been slower, and there's still mystery around how and why the red mist affects him and what it is. I could stand to have a stronger hint on what that or the torc do by now. It might help the perception of Varus. I think if Cadmia's disdain is due more to her youth, emphasize that point. This is the first Varus chapter I thought went as well as a Cadmia chapter (similar to what hawkedup says above). There is more action, Varus is making some decisions on his own, and even defying the red mist. I'm also glad Sophia is back. I thought she might return based on your original description. Comments: pg 1: "Varus struggled with his own discomfort' --I think you can take out this tell, because the rest of the paragraph shows it. Maybe add one more sentence showing his discomfort. pg 3: "A friendly face" --has he still not figured out he got robbed? Okay...you follow through a couple pages later. Can't remember whether you said at any place if he discovered his pouch was missing. I assume he did... pg 8: "for all her skill, purse snatching hadn't kept her well fed." Again, similar comments to hawkedup. You said Varus' purse was fuller than when she took it. If she was hungry, wouldn't she have spent some on food before handing it in? This seems to be a turning point for the story, and I sense it's picking up. I think what's going to get you is that the first few chapters are a slow start, versus what it's become. We don't get Cadmia until ch4 (I think) and Sophia only shows up now. Maybe think about an early chapter or prologue with Cadmia in it? Or maybe one with Murena, to show his leadership before the downward spiral? Looking forward to more!

To start with, I liked this. The idea behind it is cute and makes for a satisfying light read. You play off the end well enough against the concept of the story. You could even provide more of a comparison with the POV losing a job at the beginning and then asking for some classifieds help at the end. Don't start with "so." Just take that one word off, and I suddenly take the story much more seriously. I sort of agree with stopping at 'fairies are dicks,' at least for that paragraph. I don't think the story should stop there. It's sort of at the halfway point where it changes from "what is a fairy" to "where are you going with this." Overall, I liked it, but it did drag a little in the middle, which is worse for a short story than a full length one. I think this could be really good if you cut it down by a quarter to a half. That would also put it more at the short story limit for more contests and magazines. Things to cut: You say things more than once. In a short story especially, each sentence has to do double duty, progressing the plot and providing emotion, or making a point. I'd look at every line carefully, see if it's absolutely useful to the story, and if not, cut it. As for titles, I'm terrible at them too. I usually wait until I've finished to title something. Off the top of my head: Fairies are Dicks (Eh...why not) Fairy ex Machina, or Fairy in the Machine, or some play on that. The Real Statisticians (Although this sounds kind of boring)