Mandamon

I didn't have as much problem with lack of description, but I do agree with andyk's point. I had more problems with general sentence structure. pg 1: "He swept the spear aside, stepping towards the other man, head butting him, using his helm to make the force of the impact." --awkward sentence. You've got mixed tenses in there. In fact, the first few sentences all have the same form: person does something, makes a motion, description of an event, another event They get a little hard to read . pg 3 and 4: repeated use of "waived" instead of "waved" pg 1 and 6: it's instead of its You also have lots of run-on sentences, all throughout "They looked back to the captain who’s face was contorted as the chest plate came off. He pulled up his shirt and his side was already turning red and swelling, it looked like some of his ribs could be broken." "Paul closed his eyes as he recognized the body, the man had won the prize from the year’s boar hunt." This is an interesting start to the story--there's some good action to draw the reader in. Just need some editing to clean up the sentence structure. if men and women always fight to survive, why did a whole attacking group surrender when their captain was captured? It seemed like they were winning. Following on andyk's point about the gun: You might be getting to this later, but I was also a little confused about the matchup of the two sides. Seems like Paul's side has swords and guns vs the Axians, who have spears and bows/arrows, and might be less armed. I'll need a pretty good explanation why the Axians weren't quickly defeated by the longer range guns and better equipped men (not enough bullets? overwhelming force?). As I said, you might be getting there, but it was bugging me while reading. Andyk: I just started playing "A Dark Room" this weekend and really enjoy it. Did you find out about it on Extra Credits?

I can do Google Docs. Haven't done much with it before, but I'm sure I can figure it out.

Two things: 1) If we are using Dropbox, I need everyone's emails who is involved (send me a PM) so I can set that up. 2) Is there brainstorming included in the first couple weeks, or do we need a story idea read to go? I have an idea of what I want to write, but haven't done any outlining yet.

I think the others have defined the main points I still had problems with. A lack of convincing background on the "bad girl" front is the biggest one. As I recall, the comment originally followed through on the next several chapters as well, though you may have changed that. I do like the additions of the domestic dispute and the second cop. It makes the situation a little more believable. However, I thought Seth should be attracting more attention if everyone just applauded him. Someone else might even ask him to sit down or buy him another drink, if all the patrons were that appreciative. It's also strange someone pushes a chair in his path with him just being recognized. Some of Seth's dialogue is still really corny, especially toward the end. I think the problem I have with him is that his dialogue seems inconsistent with his actions. He can accost a muscle-bound jerk face to face, then make a beeline for the most attractive girl in the room, but then throws out this line: "You’re not going to send a poor guy packing, after he finally worked up the nerve to walk over and say hello… are you?” I don't get the feeling Seth has to work up the nerve for anything. This makes him sound like a greaseball to me. Finally, I'll second andyk's comment that the setup is a bit long when everything will change next chapter, and Endurant Archivist on the mirror. That really popped out when you described it. "There's been a mirror here this whole time?" Overall, a good improvement. Looking forward to more! Notes while reading: pg 2: "She struggled to identify the strange feeling at the edge of her senses, and then added disgust to the crowd of emotions in her head. One of the cops was just her type- physically speaking, anyway." --In understand what this means, but I'm not sure it works. I read "disgust" and then wonder how that jives with him being attractive--they're basically opposites. pg 3: "his rugged features spoke of experience, while still conversant in the vibrancy of youth." --Way too purple. pg 12: How does she know about the third retired cop? Also, sort of strange having three officers in the same coffee shop. If it's near a station, it might be a good one to avoid if you're a wanted criminal. pg 14: "accidentally thumping the shiny napkin dispenser between them. --this seems incongruous with how you've described Seth being careful and deliberate.

Will do. I might try a new story anyway, as the one I'm writing will be ~100k or so and you'd be coming in at chapter 3 or 4. Whichever way, I'm interested!

Ooooh. Very tempting. I've had those videos on my list to watch for a while. Beginning in two weeks? Is that an official start to the course, or is that just when you're starting? I'm just redoing my latest story. I don't really want to lose my momentum, but it would probably be worth it to learn to write better from Mr. Sanderson himself. Count me in as a potential yes. I've already got the Alpha Reader's Dropbox set up, so that could also be a place for submissions, if needed.

She posted it to her blog, to which I'm subscribed. She has some good stuff there, and occasionally asks for alpha readers to give feedback on some of her new stories.

Hi all, just saw this video Mary Robinette Kowal posted on a subject from one of her writing workshops. Lots of really good advice for both writers and people critiquing (i.e. this group).

Fine with me. In my opinion, we don't see enough revisions here. I like to see how other authors use the feedback from this group.

Thanks Robinksi and jParker. Good feedback, positive and negative. Good ideas about the magic system. There is scarcity built in with the Fruit, but I'm not sure it's coming across clearly. At this tech level, they don't refrigerators, so using the magical fruit before it spoils is a necessity, plus certain fruit types are only available at certain times of the year. I'm trying to avoid the "Noble Savage" trope, but not completely sure I've succeeded... I submitted this a lot earlier in the process than I usually do, more to get a feeling for the story as a whole. Thanks for reading around and pointing out the plot holes!

Thanks again for the feedback! So...we've learned that Mandamon does not do slaves well. I think I was so interested in what happens to Belili and Kisare after they got off the plantation I didn't have enough lead in to life on the plantation. I'll probably include another chapter up front detailing more of slave life (and probably do some more research on the subject). Thanks also for the details on the guards, Tia, and "telling." Need to tighten those points up. I may submit one more chapter next week, because it sort of gets to the main plot of the story, but after that I'm going to do some rework and more writing with all your notes.

Chapter the second: Previously, Kisare and her sister Belili, both slaves, found a buried box filled with potentially magical seeds. They decide to escape the plantation and slavery and look for their fortune in the wide world. For those who reviewed last time, I've still got the capitalized fruit names in here, as I haven't found a clever solution yet. But I will replace them eventually. For now feel free to mentally substitute what you wish. As always, I'm looking for comments on plot, setting, characters, and magic system, and especially how the dynamic between the sisters works from Belili's POV. Thanks!

No one's spoken up yet, so I have my second chapter ready for the 16th, if that's okay.

I believe the author is Endurant Archivist. Welcome to Reading Excuses! In the future, you can start a topic when you send out the email (generally on Mondays)--you don't need to wait for confirmation. pg 1: I would put Perrin's description a bit later on. Get the reader invested in the here and now before you start giving lengthy character descriptions Hmm... The name "Perrin" is pretty firmly taken. Lord Perrin doubly so. I would find another name, as I can only see a young blacksmith when reading this. pg 2, end: "I wish I could rest. But General Pine will be at my heels, no forest fire will stop him for longer then a few days. Especially with the rain. And over fifteen hundred people to protect. Where can we go?!" --this seems a little info-dumpy to me. It's not too bad, but try to break it into tidbits here and there that come out naturally as the story progresses. pg 7, top: Another italics infodump here. You seem to do this a lot, so I would watch out for this as a crutch you lean on to explain things. (There's a lot of this throughout. As Manaheim says, it makes Perrin look whiny). pg 10: "He doesn't know my father is dead. He doesn't even realize who I am." --I would take this out. The reader gets it from the context, which is a lot stronger than you trying to explain it. pg 14: again, this is a long download of what happened before the story started. Overall, the writing is good. The main problem I had was that for this to be the start of a story, it's not that interesting. Rather than any sort of excitement, you start with people fleeing a battle, then stopping at a town. Not much happens more than just recounting what happened in the battle. To be active, it's better to but events "in media res" or the middle of the action, rather than after they've finished, or before the next set of events have begun. There's not a whole lot distinctive about the world yet, although it does have the addition of guns, which tells something about the time period. It's just a lot of names of different peoples and towns thrown together. Is there something strange and different going on? Are the Axians human? Is there magic? Is there a kingdom (I assume so from the ranks)? jParker makes another good point about the army marching into a rural town. With your description of the flames, I was surprised that no one knew about Gree yet. Armies travel slowly. lone riders and messengers travel fast. Especially if there is a horde of Axians (whatever they are) coming through, I would assume a message was sent on ahead. I'm interested to see where this leads, but as the others said, there are some worldbuilding bits that need to be tightened up.

Thanks all. As usual, you get to the bottom of what I need to work on! 1) Capital vs. non: Yep. I completely agree. I need to find some other way to denote this, but I'm not sure how while still letting the readers immediately know what kind of fruit it is. Saying "magical apple" every time seems kind of dumb (Mapple? Morange? I'm sure there are other dumb names...). I'll work on it. 2) Slavery, etc: I'm really enjoying the class-type struggles in this book, and it will end up being a big theme. However, the same parts you all brought up, I also thought were weak. I originally didn't even have Aricaba-Ata hitting Kisare. Also the guards on the trees don't seem to be doing their job. Looks like another rewrite on this first chapter later on... jParker --I was in a Charleston museum when thinking some of this stuff up, so "Southern plantation" is more accurate. A big plantation back then was about 50 slaves, so that's what I based this on. I might need to make that clearer. 3) Hair color: Asmodemon--Robinski caught the part where I said the slaves' hair was bleached weekly to make them all completely blond, no matter what their real hair color is. There's more mythology forthcoming about normal vs. magical hair color, but I may need to clarify earlier. 4) Bel's flightiness: I'm interested to see what you all think of the second chapter. I'm alternating viewpoints and leaning a lot on tight POV. I won't say more, but I'd like to see what the reaction is when reading in Bel's head. Thanks again!

Hi all, This is a new project I've been working on (as my other two weren't really going anywhere). I'm interested to see what people think of the plot, setting, characters, and magic system. And anything else you see, of course. I'm not too far in, so I'll probably go slow with submissions. Let me know what you think!

Okay, I think I'm ready now and back from vacation. I've got something for the 9th--a completely new story.

pg 1: you had me until "spinal column." It's too specific a word compared with the rhythm of "fire in his abdomen" and "crimson snake of his blood." Maybe just "spine" instead. pg1: had to look up "hypovolemic" A couple examples of places where you use a comma instead of a period or semicolon: pg 1: "A bad idea, lightning seemed to rush up and down his body." pg 10: "Any UniCel soldiers currently deployed onto the ground would be marked down as acceptable losses, Will was glad he wasn't one of them." overall, this is a solid story, well written and easy to read. And yes, it could stand some adjective trimming. I would say there's not really any new concepts or themes here. The concept of forced life through creation of a new body goes back probably to the 1950s[citation needed] in terms of storytelling (in fact, there's a movie about it with Tom Cruise coming out soon...). I also agree with andyk on Will's passivity. I think that can be helped with Asmodemon's suggestion about bringing in the flaws in Will's programming sooner, and maybe make that a larger or more overt part of the story. That way, Will gets some more action in exploring what's changing in him. You can also create some more differences between this story and others that tackle the same issue. Will doesn't have to speak to be active; he just has to decide and carry out action that changes his situation. I do like the epigraphs. They made the world a lot clearer to me. The Ouroboros reference didn't do much for me, as it's clear pretty quickly that Will's life is circular. If people are confused by it, you could get rid of it for another piece of worldbuilding and I don't think the story would lose anything. I didn't see any particularly weak scenes, but I also wasn't ever really surprised by the story. Will taking some unusual action might help with that.

Ch 10 You've got the "turnaround" for Varus, but it seems almost too easy. Suddenly people are getting out of his way, even those that didn't see what he did to the assassins. Yes, he's getting more attention, but he seems to suddenly do all the right things, whereas before he did all the wrong things. Maybe I'm just seeing the difference between active Varus and passive Varus, although that also highlights how much Varus has been dragged along so far. We get a brief glance of Cadmia trying to figure out Varus' deal with Mars, but then it's dropped for a trip to get strange and arcane artifacts, I gather, to appease the house gods. I would have liked to see some more explanation of what Cadmia intends to use them for, or a scene with the ritual itself. Ch 11 It seems strange that Murena is holding court with supplicants. I wasn't aware this was a practice in Rome, even for a senator. Anyway, this might be a place to drop a few worldbuilding/historical hints as to what's going on. Does Murena own all the property the people work in? Are the attached to the house? You say "tenants" later, but I'm still unclear on what the relationship is. pg 9: "The most annoyed turned towards the door, but most remained," -repeated "most" There's at least one instance of "Cadmiae" instead of "Cadmia," especially confusing because you also mention the Cadmiae in this chapter. Have they been introduced before? I feel like they have, but I can't remember what they do. Nice to see some more interaction from Murena and Varus taking initiative finally in trying to bring his general out of depression. Sepunia and Sophia tend to be confusing names, especially as they now appear in scenes together. Keep it up!

Not happening for me this week, and I'm going on a 2-week vacation soon, so I plan to submit something around June 8th. I should have plenty done by then.

Good action in this chapter, and it's nice and short as well. I like the multiple viewpoint, giving both sides to the conflict. Also got some much-needed progress on everyone's arcs. Is this the first time Cadmia's seen Varus berserk--to realize he's blessed by Mars? I thought there was a barfight earlier she'd seen, but maybe she wasn't there. Cadmia also got a gift from Jupiter to shoot lightning. I would have liked to see what bargaining was needed for that. Still a bit unclear on what all is needed to gain a gift from a god. Are they jealous of other gods, so that one has to be careful how many and what gifts they have? I didn't have much reaction to Murena losing his wife, so his revelation that he couldn't protect anyone didn't make much impact on me. If you intend this to be a more emotional plot point, you might need some more setup earlier to help the reader feel what Murena's feeling. I think I had this same problem when she left with Dama--that I didn't really care. I have much more interest in Varus losing himself in the red mist--understandable, since he's one of the main characters. I'm interested in his story. So I think the juxtaposition of the two actually shows how little impact Livia's death has. Since we're not in either one's head, Livia and Murena's problems come across as something in the background, even in Cadmia's POV. I'm interested to see what happens after this, now that Cadmia has some inclination of Varus' potential. Also wondering what Murena will be doing, but with his current objective rather finally crushed, it seems like he's at a dead end (pardon the pun).

I've got a new story I'm working on. Depends how much more I get written this weekend whether I submit this week. More likely I'll want to submit something on the 19th.

Glad to read more of this--I was wondering how Cadmia and Varus were getting on... It's been a while, and I had to look back to find Nurya's name. At first I thought she was Nestia. Also had to look up Bantius. Still don't remember his wound. Was that from the attack by the Satyr? pg 1: how does Cadmia sense Varus stiffened if he's standing behind her? pg 2: you say "stiffened" again a few paragraphs later. pg 5: "His body and voice were still the same" --Hostus doesn't speak as he changes faces, so how does she know? A little confusion on the magic side of this scene: Does everyone feel the flow of power from the mymillo's sacrifice? Does that power let Hostus transform, or something else? Doesn't his power come from Janus, and not Nemesis? The second half of the chapter was quicker and more enjoyable than the first. The only complaint might be that it was too predictable. As soon as Cadmia went into the cells, I knew she was going to try to learn to fight, but that Varus would be the better one to teach her. Is this a problem? Not sure. It may just be that you've painted the characters well enough that I can see what's happening. I do like this starts to bring Cadmia and Varus together. Hopefully Cadmia is learning to appreciate that others have skills too. The whiny rich-girl attitude can be grating. Seems Varus' torc can resist powers granted from other gods... From what I remember of the other chapters, this is still mostly setup. I feel like there are some heavier or more exciting parts coming, and I'm eager to get to those. And here is the point where I wonder at the planned length of the book. By my estimate, we're about 36k words in, so I would guess 120k total, with this being the first third of "setup" soon to transition into the main body of the story. As a reader, past this point I'm ready to start seeing some explanations (re. how the sacrifice power works, and some hints about the torc) along with more questions as the story develops. I'm interested to see what happens next!

I feel like I don't have enough comments, but then I think this might fall under "good enough I can't think of anything bad to say about it." I was very impressed with the story, and couldn't find any overarching problems. I think this could end up in a short story collection somewhere. Side note: on the pitch above, I've read pros and cons on the "but will she..." continuation in a pitch. Some agents hate it, some don't mind. You might want to rephrase as a statement rather than a question: "She must pit her song against a haunting melody lurking within the vessel’s holds, intent on claiming the ship and everyone on it." Unless you've heard something to the contrary... An on to poking holes! Pg 2: Sorry, Sheera => She-Ra in my head. Pg 5: A little issue with description. You've said "legs," a few times and that's warring with my mental image of a mermaid. Is that what these are, in which case they would have a flipper--legs joined together--or is it something different? If something different, then maybe a little more description showing that this isn't a mermaid. --Note: it's clearer later that she has full legs. It's only somewhat confusing at the beginning. You might throw out the word "Siren" earlier to denote that she might not be the same phenotype as a mermaid. pg 9: "There were no people though." --I'd get rid of "though." It makes a bigger impact. Familiarity concerns. Does Linaeve know what a Bosun is, and how a lantern works? She does later play with the fire, which makes a good scene. My first thought when Isi calls to the Bosun was that Lineave would think "Bosun" was his name, rather than position. Sirens, Dryads, and Zombies, oh my! Very nice Strange and Familiar hook. This turns things on their head. I'm unclear on how Renata got to be the main intelligence of the Dryad. Maybe a little more explanation needed on whether the Dryad has a body, or if the ship is its body, or what happened. Maybe as simple as Renata got there first, and the Dryad had more time to work on her and make her a true vessel. I like the ending as well. I'm pretty sure Isi is in for a bad fate, but you've done enough work with Linaeve's character to make her sympathetic. I can't decide who to pull for! You've got me siding with an alien creature over a familiar human in distress, which tells me that this is well done. Glad to see some new stuff from you!

I came to a similar conclusion as andyk on lack of character, but with a lot more words... I wasn't as bothered by the lack of setting, except where you define the pass as strategically useless, but don't tell why. I took the rest as sort of a commentary on useless war, which doesn't need a particular time or place. The story has a slow start - I'm not immediately pulled in. It's sort of confusing that you're talking about the eastern and western armies in the northern pass. I thought there were three armies for a few pages. pg 1 starts with passive thinking about war efforts and then the next page is an infodump on skirmishes. The next few pages are mostly discussion of tactics. The whole story is about a lack of action, which is intrinsically hard to make interesting. Most of the characters are trying not to do anything, so nothing happens. Maybe to make it more interesting, you could put in an element of tension: some reason why it's better to do nothing. I assume there are spies on each side. What are they doing to either progress or stall the war? From what I gather, the western side dumped problem solders and the eastern side put useless aristocrats to guard the pass. This makes sense for what happens when they fight, but it needs to be made the central theme of the story, and made more visible. Then you say the pass is strategically useless. This doesn't make a lot of sense to me. The western side, by winning, now completely controls a pass into the enemy country. at worst, they've gained land. At best, they now have another usable entry point into the eastern lands, which can't be useless. I guess in summary, I'm not convinced it's useless, without more explanation. I was also confused who got killed in the end. Was it the Captain of the western army battalion, or the officer with the idea to attack? Either way I felt the ending was a little weak. This story depended on character development for the reader to understand how the war was balanced and then upset. Most of the writing was about the plot instead, with some unneeded focus on history of the war, and not enough attention given to the characterization. Like andyk said, the characters fell a little flat, but those characters are the only reason the war goes from a stalemate to a (partial) victory for the western side.