Mandamon

I liked this a lot better than the last one you posted. A few comments, similar to those above. first, I just read your summary again. Why is this not the beginning? I thought it worked just fine. Depending on where you take the story, this could be a short story, or progress into a larger novel (but it would obviously be about more than the heist). I don't need any more introduction to the characters than what is shown here. At the beginning, you have a really good startup and then again fall into description for a few paragraphs, taking away the tension. Kate's in a club, waiting for some contact, and then you go into a description of ink and music. I don't need to know that yet. Or at least, only devote one sentence to it, then get back to the action. I'm not quite hooked yet. After that, the story keeps flowing well and this doesn't happen again. pg 9: Why did they have to get into the basement to hook into the VR? Not that it's unreasonable--they're probably into the building intranet, but there's no description as to why. pg 14: Why do the programs dissapear when they're shot? Do the guns disrupt them somehow? Overall, I liked this. The characters were good, and had a good dialogue with each other. The action was constant enough to keep me interested, and there was enough new thought on the older themes of VR and a heist to keep me interested. There were a few plot elements about the translation of VR to real life I didn't completely believe, as Carcinios says, but they could be fixed with a sentence or two of explanation. I didn't get too mixed up with who was doing what, but it certainly could be clearer. So I think you've got a good short story or novella here. My only warning would be if you wanted to put this into a novel format, you need to make sure you have enough other plots going and don't let this concise heist bloat up into something else.

I agree with everything the others said, especially Asmodemon's detailed analysis. It pretty much hit all the points I felt were lacking. I also had similar concerns to the first part. This was just a long (rich) description of a dinner where nothing really happens. I also got stuck on "dwam" as well as "tweeness" and had to look both of them up. "legér-de-main" I've seen before, and can puzzle out anyway, but the three of these in close proximity took me out of the story. Also, this one sentence took me out: "The prospect of becoming familiar with their eating habits soon became distasteful" --why is Blacklake bothering to become familiar with eating habits? and, as Asmodemon mentions, there was the possible POV goof of Peter and Sabine whispering where Blacklack could hear...? I really like your writing style, and am eager to see more action. Looking forward to the next parts.

Welcome back! I liked the idea of this, because I do like the magical/detective crossover. That said, this has been done before, and very succesfully, by Jim Butcher. However, I felt more of a similarity to the "Garret Files" by Glen Cook--which is also a sort of steampunk setting with elves, trolls, and humans all living together. However, this didn't have quite enough new content to keep me interested through both chapters. One missing girl, an odd gun, a dog, and stopped clocks could just as easily fit in a regular detective novel as in a fantasy one. You need something else in the background to tell us why it's an elf investigating and not a native of New York or Chicago. I think also what drew me out was the language. You've said before that English isn't your native language. I congratulate you on writing in a second language, then! That said, you will have a problem getting to the English speaking market (or even an agent) without writing flawless English. This isn't. In fact, it was hard enough for me to follow that I ended up paying more attention to the writing than the story. You might look into an alpha reader/editor who is fluent in English to fix any grammar or stylistic differences. Some things I noticed: First, Ed's voice isn't always consistent. You haven't quite got the hard-boiled detective, and you don't quite have an airy elven voice. He's also, as the others said, missing some of his backstory. Second, there were some language problems: "Mr. Henley, to whom do we owe this pleasure?" (to what...) "toasted bread" = toast Last, there were a lot of awkward, past-tense sentences: "looked like a likely candidate of being a changeling" "fixed me with his eyes, giving him a somewhat hawk like appearance" "Moments later I could hear the muffled sounds of people moving towards the door leading out of the apartment and a few seconds later I could heard the door closed shut." You writing comes across as formal, stilted, and passive tense. Not sure if it's a translation thing, but it comes across as hard to read. It lacks the spice of really good phrasing. You might try getting rid of all the "have" "had" and "did" words you can find. You also need some more commas in strategic places to get the right meaning of your words across.

Welcome to Reading Excuses! As the others said, it is obvious this is a first work, with some of the commmon mistakes. However, I also enjoyed the underlying plot. Apprenticing humans to robots is original and begs the question of how it happened (which I assume is developed in the story). That said, I have some comments made as I was reading, similar to what the others posted: There are no characters in the beginning. It immediately lessens the impact on the reader. There is also some passive voice, which you shoudl avoid, and several pages of description of things happening, but no real action. You describe events leading up to the accident that creates 3-Mac in lots of detail. I would argue this all can be cut, as the real starting point of the story, as told through a personality, would be when 3-Mac first wakes up, and sees the destruction around him. Pg 1: " A very strange looking machine" -how is it strange? Who is it strange to? Pg 2: "drone was about to finish up his work when he stopped" -Is it a he? Throughout the story, make sure you use the right "its" its = possessive belonging to "it" it's = a contraction of "it is" Say "it is" whenever you see "it's" in writing as an easy test to tell if it's the correct word. Pg 4: "the light began to intensify to the point where objects began to become blurry and unidentifiable." -How would mechanical eyes be blurred by light? A camera view, for example, might be overwhelmed by a bright light for a moment before automatically dialing back its aperture size, but nothing would get blurry. You finally get another voice around page 5 that tells 3-Mac what to do. This is the first real character you have, as 3-mac as yet has no personality, and brings some more attachment to the story. As Carcinios said, this middle part is the most interesting of the chapter, but the beginning and end trail off. Pg 6: "circular pad about 15 feet" -an artificial intelligence, as 3-Mac seems to be, will probably not estimate sizes. It is most likely programmed to measure sizes exactly, or compare to some known quantity. Chapter 2: This chapter was better, because you had humans and so could have personalities to tie in the reader. However, you have a great big description infodump after the first bit of dialogue. I don't know the characters well enough to read a list of statistics about them. You might try breaking the descriptions up and putting them in here and there as a few character traits that you reference. You also don't want to include precise measurements (140 lbs, 5'8"). No reader is really going to care if Rain is 5'8" or 5'7". As I said before, I'm interested by the plot, but the actual writing still needs some development. In general, tone down the descriptions, start from a character POV, no exact measurements, and watch the tenses and grammar. Please keep writing! You can listen to us critique what you write all you want, but the real way you get better is by just writing. And writing...

I enjoyed this a lot. The characterizations almost remind me of Swordspoint (which I just finished reading recently). I have to say I didn't really like the plot of Swordspoint, but I did like the style of writing. Comments as I read through: Your beginning doesn't really hook me. It's a guy looking out over...nothing interesting. I was, however, pulled back in by the "screech" at the beginning of the second paragraph, so...cut the first paragraph? (isn't that what we've heard time and again on Writing Excuses?) Your prose is very poetic, and I get the sense of a regency or Georgian time period from it. I'll reserve judgement until I read more, but it might be a little too adjective-heavy. Blacklake seems composed entirely of scorn and greed to possess the Coach House Inn. Strong character traits, but I would be careful to make sure it doesn't diminish his character to have only that one ambition, as it even overshadows his art. But the fact that I'm talking this much about the character means I'm intrigued, so I'm of two minds on it. This isn't the usual style I read, but I can definitely enjoy it. The two points that nagged at me (as a mainstream SciFi/Fantasy reader) were the abundance of "flowery" prose (too many adjectives) and an almost melodramatic element to the characters--they are fixated on one thing. But it's also a shorter piece, and that works more for this genre/timeframe, so I'm not sure whether it's a real issue, or if I'm just projecting my expectations into the piece. So hopefully I haven't confused you needlessly. Take what you will of the above. I did enjoy it, and looking forward to more.

Me too! I think that and this forum have had some of the biggest impacts on my writing in the past year. And I second your Sherlock comment. I can't wait for the next series to start up. I'm reserving judgement on Doctor Who until I see the Christmas special, though.

This is very good. I was sucked in after the first page. The one thing that tripped me up at the beginning is the number of unfamiliar names in the first couple paragraphs. I wasn't sure at first whether Xia was a person or a nation, and it took me a re-read of the first page to realize the husband/wife pairings didn't share a common name. Another thing that seemed odd to me was the name "Heaven's Cage" for their village/house/town. I wasn't sure what the structure was, so I couldn't find a connection with the name. Are they trapped there in some way? The only other part that brought up a marker in my mind while reading was why Yang Chengda returned so soon to the dirgible. This could be explained pretty easily--negotiations broke off, a guard informed him, he got angry...and it doesn't really matter for the plot. It just seems more like he was "moved" there at that time for plot if there's no explanation. These are pretty small concerns, and I'm honestly struggling to find something wrong. I enjoyed this a lot and it seems very publishable. The steampuck touches added a good counterpoint to the traditional Chinese formality, and I liked Tao's viewpoint and strong personality. Just a note of curiosity: Our Song Dynasty was from 960-1279 AD. Did you mean for this to take place in a history with an unbroken dynasty until much later, or was it something else? From the steampunk setting, I would guess this time period as 1880s to 1920s. I had a little trouble guessing because of lack of clothes description to go along with the telephone, but again, not that important to the story.

I agree with jParker and Andyk. Hadn't thought about getting into Dimas' head before, but that may be where my comment on the shift in perception between Dimas the Character and Dimas the Storyteller came from, back in chapter 3 or so. Some feedback based on the previous chapters... Pages 1-4. Not sure how much this adds. We already knew Celia was sick and certainly not doing well. This is more of the same with a vague warning that she might possibly die (from the unsympathetic doctor)? There's no other revelation except that the doctor will be away, but then, she doesn't seem to be doing much good so far. After that, you get much more packed into one page with the revelation between Thais and Dimas than you did on the four previous pages. Although I am a little confused as to whether it means Dimas is Riki, or if Dimas is just Celia's father. I assume we might find out more later... After that it lags a little again. I'm a little hazy on the relationship between Gamboa, the Colonel, and Thais, probably because I haven't read all the chapters together. However, I do remember being confused about who was doing what in the war, so it's possible you need to add a little more exposition to who did what to whom. Overall, there's one big reveal in chapter 9, and aside from that, not a whole lot to move the plot along. Chapter 10, good description of everything, and then nothing happens again. I understand why you did it from a plot perspective, but you build up the drive to a new location and city the reader hasn't seen in nine chapters, and then promptly leave and go back to the original city. We see Jimmy, but don't get any more information about what's happening because Jimmy doesn't seem to know either. Because of the length of this work, I would question doing it that way instead of just summing it up with "Dimas got a ride all the way out to C-City for Jimmy to tell him to go back home, but on the way back..." and then go into the part with the prototype. The last couple pages after that are interesting, since it's the first time the rectangle has been used. Now I want to see what's going to happen to Dimas again, but it seems like you used 16 pages to get about 4 pages of real content across. You've said before this is about 15 chapters long, and I think it (so far) started out much stronger than it has become. This might be a case where the whole thing needs to be cut by a few chapters to keep the story going, or the sideplot of the war needs to be bumped up to fill in the dead space. I'm interested to see how it finishes up to compare the beginning and the end.

That's what we're here for! Glad I could help. But also, don't take just my advice. Wait for some others to reply as well, as they'll have more or different input. On character traits and tags, you can fall into this rabbit hole for a while: http://www.17thshard.com/forum/topic/2325-nanowrimo-prep/ Thanks to cjhuitt for posting originally. I know Jim Butcher's tips have helped me immensely in the last book I've been writing, especially the Scene/Sequel format.

Welcome to reading Excuses! I'll jump right in with what I saw as I read: in the 2nd paragraph, don't refer to "the captain" when you're in his POV. I start looking for someone else. There also looks like there's a word or something missing in that description: "and luck for the captain that the bullet had been an inch and a half high." So there's good action going in, and I'm starting to get interested, and then...infodump from end of page one through page two. It's good stuff, but save it until later and introduce it a piece at a time. I don't care about the character enough yet to know his backstory (and the design of aircraft). In fact, whenever you introduce a character you tend to pause for a few paragraphs to give backstory. It's okay to give some extra information, but you're drifting toward the infodump side. I found the part around pages 8 and 9, about giving nicknames, a little awkward. Yes, the Captain might not know a mercenary troop has a nickname, but I wouldn't think he would need an explanation on how the nickname is a mark of respect. I was more surprised that the mercenaries were even known by a formal name at all. on Page 10, you say the unit is communicating with hand signals in air. I didn't have a good feeling for how they were grouped or how far apart they were, so I started wondering if the hand signals could even be read that far away. you also have two characters and a nationality named with an "A" word: Arias, Alexis, Assarian There were enough "A", "R" and "S" letters included that I had to pause to get them straight a couple times. Last, you have a lot more "Tell" then "Show." For example: "There's always been tension between us, and I know that at least some of it is my fault." I didn't really get much character tension in this exchange. They were pressed for time, and trying to figure out what to do. It's pretty natural Niles might snap at Soli. But you then tell us they have some tension in the past. Then you give us an agreement to get along. It would mean a lot more if we were shown the tension first rather than just telling us it's there. Overall, this has solid, tight writing, which is a good start. I'm interested to read more. There's some infodumping, but that's easily fixed. I didn't get a lot of feel for character personality, though. The more character traits and tags you can include shows me how your characters will act.

Welcome back to submitting! This was a nice, concise piece. I liked it. It had a nice twist, and fell into the "Surprising yet inevitible" camp. I didn't figure it out until right at the end, so good job on that. I had to look back through the story to see the hints you had laid out, for example, swearing by Hades, the title, the snakes on the helmet, and the first mention to a primary helmet--I completely missed that the first time. Once you metioned the snakes on the helmet, I only thought that she had some sort of medical powers. I thought the pacing was good. The first time through I thought the setup was long, but then realized it only took up about the first 3 pages, and then you get into the action. I have no idea about firefighting, but the explanations sounded plausible. The only problem I saw was with the 5 minute time limit. She was very concerned about getting out in that time--understandable because the house was burning and collapsing, but what happens after 5 minutes? Would the crews just leave her in there? The designation of "3 minutes" or "1 minute" left seemed like an artificial deadline. I also agree with jParker on the he/it part as well. I'd just pick one. Overall, very enjoyable. Looking forward to the others!

I enjoyed this I think the most out of what you've submitted so far. There were only two points I had problems with: First, the dialect doesn't seem quite right. I can't put my finger on it, but every time I see "Ain't," it throws me out of the story. I think maybe the dialogue isn't fluid enough to for slang to work correctly? Or it may be that it's not consistent throughout. Second, you say the Scarlet Dawn company is catching up to them, but there's no sign except for explosions in the distance. Nothing really threatening. It's a false tension. I realize it's a Mcguffin, but I think it might give away the real villains a little too early to those who are familiar with the military trope of "our commanders are willing to sacrifice us." Other than that, I did enjoy the story as a whole. It was a very familiar alternate planet/war setting, not in a bad way, but one I could relate instantly to. "They put us in this hell and we're going to fight through it," a la Predator, Alien, Avatar, Veitnam, etc...

Good work on the writing! Elephantine vs. the Stoat and Birth of the Engineer were my first choices too, for the same reasons (glad there are other engineers that like to write...) Hope to see one or more of them up here soon.

I really like the idea of baking with emotions. Very cool idea. Monsieur de Montague's personality is perfectly hateable, but you can still understand why he would do what he did to the king. Very nice. I do agree with the others on the personality of the king. I was assuming Montague made the king happy to mess up his relations with the southern district and maybe abuse his power, but that was never made clear. The daughter's death was also sudden. I could see where you were leading, but it was like you jumped over something in the middle. I think the ending to this was better than your others as well, but then cutting the ending short works better for a piece like this. The only problem I had with it was that Monsieur de Montague was the POV in the beginning, but then you don't hear from him afterwards. Andyk touched on this. It would be a nice bit symmetry to see him in his shop afterwards, smiling evily after hearing news of the daughter's death, maybe putting some particularly nasty essence into a pastry. He's the real motivator in this story, and certainly the personality the reader reacts to the most. I want to see his reactions to what he's done, more than the king's. Maybe his ill will even plunges the kingdom into a fight with the southerners, making him lose business?

Yep--I had a similar reaction to the others. I liked the dream descriptions, but there were some holes in the plot, which I think were all covered above. On the ending/lack of action, this seemed like it could be the first chapter to something, but maybe not a short story in itself.

I pretty much agree with ShinNoir. This type of story wasn't really for me, and I got the sense of the end shortly after I started it. I'm seeing a pattern in your short stories, where there's a good idea, good writing, but the end is either predictable or cut short. Do you outline or discovery write? Just as a suggestion, you might try the other one on a new story or even on an existing one to see if it makes a difference in how it ends.

This chapter seemed solid. I was actually expecting the other priests to be more like these--overly protective and belligerent. I'm trying to think what would happen if a bunch of ABC worshippers crashed a temple to XYZ (pick your favorite gods). Mahau's anger at the beginning seems a little off. From the rest of the story, I would guess he would get cold and deadly rather than hot and angry with the annoying priests. This anger seems more fitting of Arlon. Vengance/revenge and dishes served cold and all that. I like that Arlon can see his defeciencies, even if he can't admit them. I'm starting to like Arlon more than Mahau, now, because his character has more flaws.

The descriptions are good. I got a good feeling of setting. The Scottish(?) accent of the Greykirk natives did throw me a little. Not sure if it was the cadence, or consistency, or what was wrong. There's a similar accent in Charles Stross' book, Halting State. You might want to compare. I didn't have too much trouble with the swearing. I tend not to like it in writing in general, but this seemed appropriate for the environment you set. For all that this story was very dark and gritty, I liked that it had a "happy" ending. I was afraid something was going to go wrong for the main character in the end, but was happy to see him get his man.

First off, I liked the story. I got a very Mayan vibe from about the second page. I was wavering between Egyptian and Mayan, but the mention of jungles and toucans led me to Mayan. The prose is good--nothing really to say about that. I agree with cjhuitt that Ahmakiq's casual violence is a bit much, especially when compared with everyone else. You did mention a sacraficial altar, but aside from that I got the feeling of sort of basically happy people, faced with difficulties. I was a little confused with Ichik's character. He likes to draw, he likes to wander, he's evidently good at inventing, but he seems almost an idiot-savant in all other ways. Being an engineer myself, I know it takes a lot of effort and concentration to get a design right. Having Ichik dash one off while blundering through a conversation seemed contradictory. I also thought the end was a little sudden and easily tied-up. Before, Ichik is terrified by staying in one place, in the city, or even in the jungle. Yet at the end, he's happy to stay with Mahaway. That part might need some more exploration. Aside from that, I liked the setting and Mayan/Steampunk theme. I would have liked a little more description of the purpose of the crystals, but then this is a short story. You got their purpose as a power source across, and the story doesn't really need them to be explained.

I would agree with Andy that both scenes were a little slow. I think with some more tension they would be more exciting to read. Aside from that I don't really have any problems. It's interesting that the killer is revealing himself voluntarily, and I wonder where that will go. On Pg 4, you mention Forys' twin sister. Did I miss something, or am I just not remembering it from a previous chapter?

Hmmm...this story didn't really work for me. The writing was technically good, but see below comments: pg 10: "throw my screen out of the window" -if you have a sim, wouldn't you have some sort of virtual workplace as well? For that matter, why would someone need to work? If there are people who avoid sims, do they also avoid other technology? This is in the future, but "daily life" is very much similar to todays. There seem to be some inconsistencies (or something you know that's not explained fully) in this society. The story is successful in that it gets to the feeling of addiction and escapism vs. "the real world," but I don't really believe the characters. They seem more like archetypes than actual people. I didn't have an problem with the sensory detail, but I'm with Guru Coyote on the romance angle. I don't know how those two ever got together. They've never even eaten a meal together? If society is so different that is something normal, you need to do some work to get us used to their set of values. I think the worldbuilding needs some more work to feel real. The story achieves its end, but I think there could be more to it to create a really good story. Right now it reads more like a 80's PSA. I was thinking to myself "Kids, don't do drugs," after reading it. I think the main reason it didn't work was these questions which popped into my head. There were enough that it was distracting while I was reading.

Welcome to Reading Excuses! Looks like we have several new members recently. I Love the first line. It's a great contradiction. Your writing is light and polished enough that I was on page 5 and completely sucked in before I remembered I was supposed to be taking notes. After page 5, the pacing slows down just a little, which is alright, as you've got the reader hooked by then. In general, the pacing seemed fine. Nothing jumped out at me. For some reason, him admitting to selling drugs pulled me out of the story. Not sure if it was just personal aversion or if it didn't fit with the mental profile I had of the main character. It did work with chipping away at his values, as GuruCoyote says. The biggest issue I can come up with is the lack of description. Description isn't necessary to all styles, of course, but the biggest place I felt the lack was in people description. I can imagine typical city scenery fairly well with no input. In the first few pages, there was no description of the man who contacts him, but I could believe that the thief wouldn't look to see details. However, there's no description of the man's face the second time either. Now I know they're talking face to face. Is there anything memorable about him? In fact, no one gets a name or face here. Not bad, but it's sort of hard to refer to people once you realize it. It does fit in with the "thief" lifestyle and he says specifically he doesn't want to know the people he steals from. Still, I would think he might know his landlady's name. Just that one word can describe a person to the reader, even if it's not a real name. (eg, "I never learned her name, but referred to her mentally as Lemonface") This has good thief/partner/mark play. Believable action (even if I don't know anything about it...). There's still not a lot of description during the take, which again is not necessary, but a few words here and there might help. I did keep expecting something magical or SciFi to happen, and then read your note about taking it out. I was expecting it more because this forum caters to that, and not because of any lack in the story. I do suspect whichever agency is putting together these plans for stealing information, but that could just as easily be the thriller-type conspiracy as the wizards behind the scenes or the Science Fiction advanced or alien technology. Last, is this the first part of something, or meant to be a full story by itself? Either works, but I see plenty of room to go from here. Looking forward to more!

Seems to be a solid chapter. I didn't notice anything glaringly wrong. The personalities for Mahau, Neda, and Arlon seem strong and I'm starting to expect how they react to things. I still don't quite understand shrouds (as I'm reading). That's not bad, if you're planning on explaining more, but the following was confusing: Pg 9: "Neda glanced at the two gods. They were still alive, even if it looked like a soundproof Shroud was laid upon this room – if such a thing existed." -I don't know enough about shrouds to agree or disagree with Neda that it doesn't exist, so it threw me out of the story. A couple editing notes, for when you get there. Be on the lookout for excess words: pg 4: "Mahau didn't comment on the usage of a past tense to reference someone which was supposedly just missing" -you could probably stop at "past tense" and let the reader figure it out Also, watch for Some of your er/est ending words (redder, biggest, etc). You sometimes have the wrong form. There are a lot of question sentences that don't have question marks. I'm interested to see how the last god was killed--and if he was... Looking forward to next week!

Welcome to Reading Excuses! I enjoyed the story (I also enjoyed your Figurative Origami, by the way). Here are some comments: Aaron sometimes imagines what he would see on other's faces. There are descriptions of other senses--smells, feels, and sounds--but it feels more like you are describing a blind man, rather than the reader feeling through his senses. Describing what he assumes he would see brings me out of the story. The dialogue is okay, but somewhat stilted. Case in point: “He is a rather nice dog, isn’t he? We do not often get dogs who are allowed to ride in the passenger area.” Near the end, it starts to sound like Aaron is a native Spanish speaker speaking English, except you say he doesn't really understand Spanish. he had much more American speech at the beginning: "Well, at least that much is the same. Come, Ralph my handsome friend, we will find a way up this volcano yet." “Ok, we use what we learned. Tap, tap, step.” Not sure about the end. There's not really a resolution of the story, so I'm not sure what you're getting at. Aaron found Quetzalcoatl again, but nothing seemed to come of it. His "vision sight," which appeared for the express purpose of leading him, went away. Ralph is a companion, but besides that, has no resolution either (and yes, I realize he's a dog, but you've made him into a full character). We're never quite sure what Aaron is looking for. Why/how was his sight taken? Is he looking to get it back? Is he looking for some other favor? He wouldn't be able to see Quetzalcoatl, so what is he hoping to achieve by climbing the mountain? Jill is mentioned briefly, but doesn't come into the story. Was she going to help him? Who is she? I get the feeling Maria is either some guardian of Quetzalcoatl, or is Quetzalcoatl in disguise, but there's not quite enough information either way. I think if you expand on the pertinent questions, it will give a lot more satisfaction to the reader at the end. There's almost a conflict here, but not quite. Look for what you imply at the beginning of the story, and make sure that "promise" is addressed at the end.

Here is chapter 14 of The Seeds of Dissolution. This one has some more action and progress than the last couple chapters, and I like this one, even though it's broken up into small POVs. Let me know what you think. Previously: -Origon flew the first capsule to the Methiemum moon, discovered a strange aberration that defies natural law, and reported back to the ruling members of Methiem and to his friend Rilan, on the Council of the Maji. -Sam, living on Earth, escaped a strange energy-sucking coldness, but was unable to save his aunt. He escaped through a hole he somehow created in the fireplace of his house, and met up with Origon in the Nether. -Sam learned about the Nether and the city of the Imperium, Origon took him to see the Council, and Councilor Rilan determined that she and Sam are the same species. -Rilan meets her new apprentice, Enos, and Sam learns how little the ten species know about space and the universe. -A crisis is brewing, with some members of the Assembly wanting to secede. Meanwhile, Sam is left with Enos, and has to figure out how to talk to girls. -In the Assembly, a witness to the Aridori testifies, while Sam learns more about Enos. -Rilan realizes the witness is lying for some reason, but is upstaged by a rival, Vethis. Origon attempts to diffuse the situation by bringing up his Drains. Afterward, he learns Enos and her brother were also victims of a Drain and wants to immediately investigate the site, but Rilan stops him. -Sam gets clothes to blend in with the people of the Nether, makes friends, starts to settle in, and learns about unrest in the Imperium As always, looking for comments on character development and interaction, worldbuilding, pacing, learning curve, and in-world word confusion. Thanks!