Mandamon

Welcome to Writing Excuses! I agree with little wilson for the most part. I also had trouble with the POVs. They are a strange mix of childlike emotions, and adult descriptions. At the end, I think it even left Elizabeth's POV and went to omnipotent. She couldn't know what the liquid nitrogen was doing, nor would she be able to comprehend what it was. This might have happened in other cases, but this was the one I first recognized. I was a little confused by the people's placement at the end (in or out of the rocket), and who survived, and who left. The POV from a child makes it hard to give a good establishing setting. I'm also hoping you switch to a more adult POV for the next chapters. This was ok for a prologue, but I wouldn't do a whole book from a toddler's perspective. I might even question that, as agents will pick up the same things we did and might stop reading just from that. Overall, the prose was good, and it was well-written. I'm interested to see where the story goes, and what's going on.

Hello all, This is actually chapters 2 and 3, as I realized they were together the same length as chapter 1. Again, it's a rough draft. I'm looking for critique on worldbuilding, excitement in the story, and interest in the characters. I don't think the learning curve is quite as steep in these two chapters, but let me know. Until now, Origon has seen the unveiling of the controversial Methiemum space capsule, fended off an assassin attack, and been forced to take the piloting chair. Next, a ride to the moon!

I'd like to submit Chapter 2 on Monday, as well.

This made me laugh. Although "Pordur" sounds just about as bad if you don't know the letters.

Welcome to Reading Excuses! I was intrigued by the story. I haven't read any Lovecraft, but have read other Lovecraftian stories. The second half seemed to capture that tone more than the first, for me. The creatures left me with the creeps, so it succeeded there. I forgot the story was a note by the time I finished, and wondered why it stopped so abruptly--you don't say what Saidy's solution was. Only then did I realize she had jumped at the beginning. So I guess yes, the ending does need some more work. You have the revelation of the creatures, and the chase, and the loss of everything for Saidy, But then the story trails off, with no reconciliation. Saidy just jumps, having for some reason written a note. I guess she wants to tell the world, but it's not very likely someone is going to find a scribbled note on the side of a river. Just off the top of my head, I'm thinking you want the creatures to actively drive Saidy to insanity/death. The way you tell it is very passive. They must have actively murdered her brother, and they were following her. Here's what popped into my head as I thought about it: Saidy loses everything, sleeping by day in bushes and (actively) chased at night by the creatures. They finally chase her to a river, which then drives for to jump. You could even have her leaving bits of notes in different places as she runs. Maybe a third person starts trailing her, to read the notes (and thus give the story narration). Not trying to write your story for you--just an example of what I meant about making it active. Good story overall, just needs some fine tuning at the resolution.

I agree with the responses so far. The new story is stronger than before, and eliminates some of the questions. I was also a little confused by Hirundo's sudden anger, but thought it might be something Maia was doing to him? You took out the umbrella from the first time around, which was a giveaway, but now when Maia poisons Hirundo, I'm not sure how it happens. He feels a sting, but no explanation for whether she pricked him with something or if it's her newfound magic gained from losing her wings. I'll second that Kioko seems a weak character. I understand she's a counterpoint to Maia, and the scene gives some good background on the division between the humans and the fae, but her quick introduction doesn't really work. Either she needs to be around for the whole story to contrast with Maia, or I would remove her character altogether. Overall very good! This piece could certainly be published somewhere.

And congratulations to you, Thought! I'm still somewhat terrible at the endings too. The best thing is to do something else. Then when you come back to it, you can smack yourself in the head and put the obvious ending where it should be.

Thanks for the feedback! Right. so I need to fix this. I think if I take out some of the new words, that might help. Did anything specifically confuse you the most? I can shorten up the beginning a bit to get into the story quicker (and take out some of the invented words at the same time). I'm aiming for epic fantasy length, which always seems to take a lengthier view, showing the setting. Would you have the same opinion if you picked up a 500-page book in a bookstore and read this first chapter? You caught me here. I split the chapter in two, as I realized it was twice as long as the other ones I was writing. ;-) Yeah, that's a darling I need to kill. Oddly, I've never had problems with "Sasthssn," compared to some of the other names I created. Any others particularly rile you? That's been on my list to read. I haven't read any China Meiville yet, but that one just got moved to the top! Thanks for this. I think this is one of the parts I worked on longest and hardest in this book and I'm glad to see others picking up on it.

I Think this is a solid story overall. It's consise, follows the intent you set out, and covers everything you promise. The only problem I could see was that it was very predictable. There was absolutely no surprise. You kept having Sigrun ask if her son could have done these horrible things, and I was mentally answering her, "Yes. Yes he did." It seems like you're trying to raise the level of tension by having Sigrun wonder, but it fell flat for me because I already know. Maybe it was because the gist of the story was rendered as a sort of prophecy by the god (?) in the beginning? We know Hilmar is evil, and we're just along for the ride seeing things play out. We even knew he would leave in the end--you already told us so. I think this could be better if you made it more suspensful, and let us wonder if Hilmar is actually changed or not. I'm not sure how to do this with your setup, unless maybe you introduce a competing evil, or another killer? I don't know. Also, I would take out the runes. I love seeing them and the nordic names, but I have no idea how to pronounce Þór or Þórður. I'm guessing this is a "Th" for Thor, but I keep wanting to say "P" while I'm reading and it throws me off.

Hello all, This is the first chapter of a book I'm rewriting from the ground up. It's got a sort of steep learning curve, so I'm trying to balance that with good character introduction. This is a rough-ish draft, so I'm not as worried about grammar, unless you see something glaring. Mostly I'm looking for understanding of the worldbuilding, excitement in the story, and interest in the characters. Let me know what you think.

Silk--I'd also like to submit something for this Monday, if that's alright.

I had mostly the same thoughts as Halcyon. I also got confused at the Phokas reference, until I realized it must be a typo. This chapter was more enjoyable to me than the others, but there is still something lacking. We've seen five chapters now, a good 50 pages or so, and I'm starting to get a feel for your writing. Your prose is technially good, and I can tell you're starting to piece together the story you want to tell us, building it up from parts. The problem is, the story as a whole feels dead. I think it's the same thing Halycon is talking about with lack of emotional investment. I've had to struggle with this a lot myself, and keep reminding myself that the story is about the characters and what they feel, not about the plot. The plot is just there to give the personalities of the characters something to do. You might want to check out the series of "homeworks" Cjhuitt posted for NaNoWriMo. They are taken from Jim Butcher's blog. Especially look at the Scene/Sequel parts--those helped me immensely in outlining, and covers any missing emotional reactions. Basically, I think you have the "Scene" but are missing the "Sequel." Keep writing!

I have to agree with Syme on this one. I'm interested in the new character of Sarriah, but the whole chapter seems an excuse for a history lesson, and her personality doesn't really come out. Especially since this is her first POV, I would make this a lot more character dependent, like skipping her lesson because she's impertinent, or going to it early because she's studious, or losing her way because she's forgetful... There's a little bit of this in the chapter, but it's mostly washed away by the mountains of history. Just because she's learning it doesn't mean the reader needs to. What is Sarriah's purpose? Is she the only child and destined to rule? Can females rule? Will she fight against the bloodlands? Is she a second child who only needs to be a learned historian for the duchy? So on. You can hint at what you plan for her in this opening section. I'm also don't get a great sense of where the duchy of Doragon resides. You've had the bloodlands represented, mainly as a threat, but where is the duchy? Is it on the outskirts of the bloodlands, and thus needs to protect itself, or is it in the cosy interior of the allied duchies and can goof off while the other duchies are on guard?

I think everyone else covered the pertinent facts. the first part was conflict-light, which you already said you were fixing. I also agree Oddleif's name comes in a bit late. To contrast with Syme and Cjhuitt: I didn't imagine Arrick as anything but corporeal, as you mention how he took care not to disturb anything. I got the impression he was a naturalistic being. I was actually imagining something like a cross between an Ent and an Elf. I didn't have any problem switching POV's later in the story, and I assumed Oddleif was the same baby that was rescued. I also didn't have any problem with Arrick suddenly becoming very violent and killing the woodcutter. Maybe I've read too many Fey stories, but I'm comfortable with those types of characters having a different set of morals than us (especially with respect to giving and taking lives). Maybe it would help to make that clearer, if that's your intention. The one part I had a little problem with was size. I originally envisioned Arrick as smallish, but then you say he's huge compared to the farmer, and can pick him up like a doll. My first thought was, "how did he get in the door?" I don't think you say if he had to duck or bend double to get in the house. But also, if he's that big, and can lift a heavy man, there's got to be a certain amount of mass there. For him to also run through treebranches without disturbing anything would be difficult. Yes, he might be nimble, but sheer weight is going to bend or break branches. Such a massive thing would also be easier to see. Maybe the answer is incorporated into your worldbuidling, but unless you say something about it early on, readers will have questions. I was also intrigued by Oddleif having pointed ears and other shadow-walker characteristics. So do humans get kidnapped and transformed into shadow-hunters? I got the impression he was developmentally behind the other shadow-walker children, so was he stunted from being a human where the others were naturally born shadow-hunters, or is he just slow? You might answer these questions later on, and I don't think it's something that has to be addressed now, but I wanted to give feedback that they did occurr to me. Good story overall, and I think it would make a good novella.

Annnnnnd....Complete! I finished up my first draft yesterday, clocking in at 70,062 words. I'm going to do something I haven't done before and set this one aside for a few months. Usually I plow right into a second draft, and of course am still too close to the story. I'm hoping this time around I can do some other writing I have planned and then come back fresh. I'm pretty sure there are several parts I want to expand to make the story more complete. So the only thing I didn't do is give this story a name. Currently it's just titled "Allen," which is the name of the main character. It's short for Allen's Bad day, which I feel is really a terrible title. I came up with a few others, but they all sound equally as bad to me: Life Without Acne Superpowers and Zits Pimples and Powers Powers, Peanut Butter, and Pimples Any votes on best/worst from a pick-it-up-in-store point of view? When everyone else gets finished up, I'd like to do before/after outlines to compare. I found after the latest Writing Excuses that I naturally outline and write very similar to Mary. I'm interested to see what others do.

I really enjoyed this short story. I was instantly sucked in my your writing, and your prose is easy to read. Contrary to Syme, I wasn't confused at all. Maybe I've read more of this type of short fiction. No, there wasn't an explanation of why the war was being fought and what the world was like, but a lot of short stories are like that. There isn't room to expand the world in the wordcount for a short story. The story is all about the character reactions, which were definitely captured here. I got a good feeling for the personalities of both Hirundo and Maia. Your use of names also caught my attention. I had to look up Furin Kazan's name to figure out why it seemed so familiar to me. Using General Sun was very cool. I've read the Art of War and recognize some of the strategy you include here. I like how you left hints of the larger backdrop of history and plot behind the story. It makes it feel like this is part of a larger ongoing story. The gearpunk/fae/Japanese mixture also caught my attention, both for originality and how their natures work together. All three tend toward small details and a more poetic nature, both of which I think were captured in your writing. It's very intriguing and makes me want to read a whole novel based on this idea. two technical things I noticed: pg 1, a small character confusion. I assume you mean Nomura, but you probably want to put her name there to separate it from Hirundo. Pg 4 and pg 6, the one paragraph summaries of Maia's past are a little off putting against the descriptive background and dialogue-rich setting of the rest of the story. I understand why you summarized, since this is a short story, but they might even be too short. More elaboration will help to connect even better with her character and plight. I also wanted to know more about the flying machine and gear technology, but the amount of description you have now works well with the story length. It would be gratifying to the reader to know more, but at the same time, it will bloat up the story as Syme says. As it stands, I was left thinking about the world, and imagining its technology for myself, based on the hints you gave from Japanese culture and the gear technology references. This isn't a bad thing, as I usually like books better that I have to sit and think about a little after I finish them, to arrange all the hints and pieces in my mind. Great piece, and I'd love to read more, especially in this world!

I liked this chapter a lot more than the prologue and chapter 1, since it introduced a character rather than a political situation. Overall, I agree with Halcyon. The reactions to everything were a bit bland. For example, I would think Filista might want to go back and see for certain that her group, including her new husband, were dead rather than taking the word of a complete stranger, no matter how what magic urges she has. Maybe he talks her out of it, but I think there should at least be some resistance to the idea that she's now one of the Lykanides. There's also a bit of an infodump on how Lykanides work, taking up a good portion of the chapter (about half). Don't reveal everything too quickly. also, since Filista has just lost everything she's known, it might not be the best time for a history lesson, as she might not take in all that much. As Halcyon said, it might be a good time to focus on her reactions. Later, start talking about what she has become. You could push the explanation out a little, or rearrance the flow of the chapter, or even have Hyginos start blathering on, not realizing her emotional state, since he's far distant from his own Awakening, and have Filista get angry at him. It would put a little more character conflict into the chapter, and that's what it's all about! Of course, feel free to accept or ignore as you see fit. The story is starting to draw me in, and I'd like to see more.

I agree with Syme, the beginning of this chapter seems forced. The whole "insult people for fun" is not really novel. It's not a bad personality trait for a character, and I generally like Aken, but try to do something with it instead of having a four-page explanation of it. Page 5, Aidel couldn't insult Aken, but now seems really adept at getting on Fen's nerves. He preferred the "subtle" insult, but now plays obvious words games with titles. I know they're friends, but it seems a big personality shift. having read the other chapters, I'm not a fan of this one. Fen runs through the palace? Really? Maybe if the palace was under attack. I can't imagine there's an emergency so big that the king would need to run through the palace without even knowing what it is. My immediate thought was that Fen thought he was going to get deposed in the emergency session. But it's just some reports of border villages being attacked. This hardly even seems a reason for an emergency session, or at least one that can't wait a couple hours to give the king the proper advance notice so he doesn't look like a fool. Reading a little further, Fen suddenly seems just hysterical. He has to take the fight to the enemy. Maybe I'm not remembering correctly, but this doesn't seem like him. Maybe give some more reason for why he's acting like this? Again, a sort of shift in personality. After the first outbust he calms down again and offers measured suggestions and even manipulates against a rival. This seems more like him from the first few chapters. This isn't the same personality as someone who runs through the corridors and gets hysterical that he thinks his country might be at war. I think either make the threat more immediate and give him advance notice ("Your Majesty, there is a raiding party at out gates!") or have the emergency session not called quite so quickly. You can still have an emergency session if you call it for an hour from now. But this latter suggestion sucks some tension out of the story, so I would lean more toward the first idea.

Hope we didn't traumatize you too much, Trizee! I looked back and realized I was the second one to critique you... Anyway, on to dashing new dreams... Prologue: as Trizee said, I'm guessing the prologue includes the named Death of the King, but I'm left not really knowing how it's relevant. As Halcyon said, there are a lot of names and places flying around, and it was only looking back through a second time that I realized Lysantos was king of Sarkis, not Thereos. I assume they are all together to throw back the Yacatu. There's also a lot of names starting with the same letter (for example, "L") and it gets confusing as to who is who. Some subtle grammar things: your paragraps are not indented--don't know if this is from moving to pdf. Also, thoughts are usually italicised, not underlined. Chapter 1 I have to say, I got bored about halfway through the first chapter. There's lots of politicking going on, but still no real punch for the story. I get that the Yacatu are invading, and all these nation-states need to work together instead of fighting? Technically it's well written, but I had trouble caring for any of the characters. Most of it is not, in fact, about the enemy which is destroying them, but instead about another nation-state. The Thereos people describe the Sarkians as evil, but then talk about negotiating with them. We already know they are fighting together, from the prologue. Why are they debating this now that they are already committed? This book is putting me in mind of the Illiad. However, the Illiad only takes place in the final battle at the very walls of the city they are attacking. The Illiad is all about heroic characters fighting other heroic characters (on their side and the other side). Any war planning to start attacking Troy must have come far before the first word of the story. Now that's obviously several thousand years away from our current writing style, but some things still hold. I would suggest you want to start this story with introductions of the characters and why we care about them, not what they think about international politics. Put the debating about what to do either before your story happens, or after you have established what the story is about and why we care about one nation over another (or better, one character over another) I think this story has promise, and I think your writing style is firm, but you need to draw me in with the first chapter (or first page) so that I will be willing to get this book over the hundreds of others in my reading list.

Here's my thoughts for this year (and last year). This is my second NaNoWriMo. This one was a little bit different than the first time around. The first time I was really nervous about writing 1667 words a day, and prepared for almost the whole month of October, doing research and writing an outline, plus I needed a lot of research on historical figures. So when I started, I had such a complete outline, it was easy to write something every day toward the story. I did NaNo both years with my wife, which was an added bonus as we could keep each other at it. We both found writing that much per day wasn't that hard. Last year was my second real attempt at a book, so I didn't have a whole lot of experience. In between then and now, I've polished the work I wrote last year, finished another short work (60k ish), and outlined a future novel pretty thoroughly. So this time, for me, seemed completely different. I was planning to work on that new outline I had, starting a normal length Fantasy novel (120k+), but about two weeks before, I had an inspiration and had to write it. Luckily, Caleb's "workshop" proved invaluable to getting an outline set up in a hurry. I didn't have nearly as complete an outline this time, but once I started, I found myself once again on a roll, and easily able to hit my daily target. I hit almost 2000 words per day during the last couple weeks, and hit the 3000 mark the day I finished off 50k words. I started laying out the scene/sequel format for the first couple chapters, but soon ran out of that preplanned material and had to rely on the outline I wrote previously. However, having done the scene/sequel for a time made me aware of how it worked and I could subconsciously "check" myself as I wrote to make sure I was getting all the reactions in. Both years, I've aimed for a YA book, which makes it a comfortable length for NaNo. I aimed for about 60-90K length, which means I can get most of the story done during the month. I also like that I'm not writing the first part of a long novel in a mad scramble, and then have to go back and fix it later. I came out with about the same impression as I had last year. It's a great accomplishment having done NaNo, but I don't want to have to go through that all the time (at least while I have another job I'm working full time). I've dropped my goal back to 1000 words a day until I finish off this book, to give me some breathing time. Each year, I say I'm not sure I want to do NaNo again. But I probably will. I felt more confident this year with the outlining prep, even if it wasn't as complete as what I did the year before, I think because it made me focus on fleshing out the characters more. Maybe I'll attempt a full-size novel for NaNo next year, and see how it comes out.

Congrats from me as well! I kept seeing that wordcount shoot up everyday, and it helps keep me on track. I'm hoping to finish tomorrow or Thursday. I don't think that will be the end of the book, but I'm getting there. Maybe another 10K words after that. On the plus side, the ending is a lot clearer to me now that I've written so much. Might be cool for winners to post a short outline (for those that have them) from before starting the book and what really happened as you wrote. I know mine's evolved as I wrote!

Then I have done my job...

Ok, after an extensive internet search, how about this name: Misypliwjczyk It's at the same time less pronounceable and more correct! I kept the first sound, as I wanted the short form of his last name to be "Miz."

Yep, this was meant to be humor. I don't explicitly state it as Polish in the book, but one of those Eastern European names Americans find impossible to pronounce. But I take your point, Eri. I might change the ending around, as "wyzk" isn't a real ending you'd find. I modeled the name after one of my wife's co-workers: Sypliwtchak. I could never get my tongue around the first half.

Thought I'd put this up here if anyone hasn't listened to the latest Writing Excuses episode. It's a Microcasting episode and one question is "Should a novice writer fix glaring story problems during a draft, or wait until after?" Howard gives a good answer, that in his group, if everone realizes there is a big problem in plot or character or something, the others in the group assume that it will be fixed later, but the writer keeps on writing for now so he/she can finish the first draft. Later entries are read with the assumption that plot point was fixed or successfully explained away. I thought that might be something good for us to do here. Also, I'm going to take a non-humble moment and say that I submitted the first question on the podcast (about percent of original draft making it to print). I was happy they thought it worth addressing on the podcast! Also also, did anyone here secure one of the spots to the writing retreat next year? I thought about it, but eventually decided against. I might try to go for the second one, if this one is successful.