Syme

I'd also like to submit tomorrow.

I liked most of this story, but was let down by the ending. The scene in the beginning was quite vivid and the visions Brion has are intriguing and disorienting (which I'm assuming is the intended effect). What's a bit problematic is that the protagonist doesn't actually do anything except for at the very end and even then that action didn't feel very well motivated.

I agree with the others for the most part. The first part was intriguing and had a thick atmosphere and the introduction to the magic system was well done. The second part had a very Disney Villain feel to it. I very much enjoy a good villain protagonist, but at least in this first chapter I found nothing at all likeable about Arlon. On a technical note, you should watch where you put thoughts during dialogue scenes. If at all possible, you should have the POV characters thoughts in the same paragraph as his speech (or in a paragraph of its own if its a longer train of thought). So for instance the following is problematic: Here it's better to move that last sentence to the next paragraph. As it is, it gives off the impression that this is Belis's thought, not Arlon's. Overall I think this is an intriguing start, so this works quite well as a first chapter.

I like the voice. It seems gruffy and and direct, which works well for the story. The same goes for the swearing, but then I'm less bothered by swearing than 99% of the population, especially in the anglophone world. I have a hard time writing this critique. Though I liked the atmosphere of the story and the prose is good and the characters reasonably well developed for a short story, I never really got into it. For me it's one of those stories that I think I should like, but don't. Maybe it's just that I'm not too fond of the whole hardboiled detective thing. Sorry that I can't be of more help than that.

Please tell me what you think.

I'd also like to submit on Monday.

All comments and critiques are welcome, even if you've just caught a spelling error.

I'd like to submit next week.

Thank you all for the great critiques. I'm glad you liked it. The stuff she's drinking is a full and balanced diet with all the necessary nutrients mixed in, so her digestive system still works normally. The idea behind that is that the technology in the story is advanced enough to simulate human interaction. The idea behind the simulation is that everyone can be God in their own universe, but if you have many gods that doesn't work so well. Karl might certainly agree with you, but Karen would say that simulated interaction with people is better than real interaction.

The setting came across quite vividly. Unlike Guru Coyote, I did get a strong Mayan vibe from this. The prose was clear and didn't get in the way of the story. I liked the pacing and overall flow of the story. Things keep moving at a nice speed, but there's still enough time for description, so it never feels rushed. The title has a nice ring to it and fits the story well. I didn't get the ending. What exactly does Ichick gain by this ruse? As far as I understood, Ahmakiq will still cut off the town from water, so their situation hasn't improved. The best guess I can come up with is that news of the rebels attacking has somehow changed his mind, but I can't quite figure out why.

I appreciate any comments and critiques, even if it's just a spelling mistake you noticed. I'm especially interested in your thoughts on sensory detail. I'm also very interested in how you liked the romance angle.

I'd like to submit next week.

I like this story. It has good flow throughout and the prose is crisp and enjoyable. The pacing was good; there weren't any passages that dragged or felt rushed. I was thrown off a bit by the "landlord" being a woman. I thought it odd that the protagonist knew exactly down to the second how long transferring the data from the phone took. Wouldn't that depend on the amount of data, its format, etc. ? Considering how bad every single file system known to me is about estimating how long a certain data transfer will take, this seems quite implausible to me. To make it more plausible, you could maybe give us the progress as a percentage along with the rough estimate of how long it'll take based on trials with the dummy phone. I'm with Mandamon in that the first line is excellent. I also especially liked the paragraph about not knowing your mark on page three. There are a lot of powerful lines in this story. This is one I liked especially: Straightforward, but very moving. I would only suggest a tiny alteration: to remove the "But." Without it, I think the message is even clearer and the impact is increased by the parallelism of with the previous sentence. I think the ending wasn't quite as good as the rest of the story. It was a satisfying ending, but it lacked the sort of punch I had hoped for. Still, this is an excellent story and I enjoyed reading it.

Please let me know what you thought of my short story "The Twelfth Daughter."

I'd also like to make a submission tomorrow.