Mandamon

I have pretty much the same response as Yados, but I'll post it anyway: I wrote this in the order I read it... You have an interesting magicsystem and world. I like the eye-color determining who does what. Your prose is generally fine. As Yados says, it's more the definition of the story you need to work on. This reminds me almost of a game set up, giving out a quest. "Here's the land of XY, populated by Z, and now you have to go save AA from BB." (note: I think that works with the eventual reveal, but it makes the beginning weaker.) The problem is your main character doesn't actually do anything. She/he watches, and I don't get any description or name, or even gender. It's almost as if Niko is the main character. And the ending. Hmm...I didn't get the twist at all, except that the main character did not interact and was only an obsever. There weren't any clues that the observer was the princess except at the beginning, and I would only go back to read that part once I got to the twist at the end. It certainly draws the reader in by making them wonder what is going on, but it makes the story weaker by then revealing the first chapter as a set-up. From this point on, is Pythia going to be a main character? I don't see how the story could be told from her viewpoint, unless she is dreamwalking the whole time, and then she doesn't have any interaction with others. If Talvin is the main character, then his involvement is already revealed as a machination of the princess, thus lessening the effect of his own choices. I'm interested to see more of this, but I'd be aware that this trick will only work once. Past that, you have to have a good, solid story foundation, with some more work coming on how to start it.

Congratulations from me as well! Great news, and glad you found your niche!

Where did everyone go?

Here is chapter 12 of The Seeds of Dissolution. Previously: -Origon flew a capsule to the Methiemum moon, discovered a strange aberration that defies natural law, and reported back to the ruling members of Methiem and to his friend Rilan, on the Council of the Maji. -Sam, living on Earth, escaped a strange energy-sucking coldness, but was unable to save his aunt. He escaped through the hole in the fireplace of his house, and met up with Origon in the Nether. -Sam learned about the Nether and the city of the Imperium, Origon took him to see the Council, and Councilor Rilan determined that she and Sam are the same species. -Rilan meets her new apprentice and Sam learns how little the ten species know about space and the universe. -A crisis is brewing, with some members of the Assembly wanting to secede. Meanwhile, Sam is left with Enos, and has to figure out how to talk to girls. -In the Assembly, a witness to the Aridori testifies, while Sam learns more about Enos. I'm looking for the same stuff as always: character development and interaction, worldbuilding, pacing, learning curve, and any confusion with words. Thanks!

Pretty quiet around here. I can do Chapter 12 next week, if that alright.

Welcome to Reading Excuses! Your writing contains a lot of emotion that draws the reader in. There are instant hard choices we are faced with, that makes us care for the characters, even the ones in the prologue. I think the story idea has merit, and I'd like to see more, but my main complaint is that that writing itself is pretty rough. First, your writing is very adjective-heavy, with lots of "ly" words that can be removed when you edit. You also have a lot of really long sentences together, especially in the first couple of pages. try to intersperse shorter sentences in between to break up the flow. It makes it easier to read. You also might want to break up some of the longer sentences. They are reaching the length and convoltion where they are hard to understand. There's also still a lot of typos and missed words in this. I realize we're offering more in the way of general story criticism, but I would do an extra read-through to get rid of some of those errors--It really takes the reader out of the story. pg 1, heading: "It is a rage so great, so fierce, and so old that is has taken" (it for is--practically the first thing we read!) pg 7: “It is over wild one,” the old man said (needs a comma) pg 10: "indicating it’s mid-life" (its) pg 10: "pinning a rather large branch Ellil’s trunk" (missing a word) pg 12: "Her face and eyes where red" (were) pg 14: "He instantly felt his chest begin choke, and the stirrings of the storm within him whither and quiet," (missing a word and wither for whither) Pg9: "The sky was rather pretty that day. . . Anyway!" -I would remove the last word. It doesn't sound professional. Pg 10: "“Leto!” Maya shrieked, tears of absolute horror streaming from her bright eyes. Leto however couldn’t hear her; he couldn’t even hear the wind rushing past his head" -a bit of a POV error. Unless this this in 3rd omniscient, then from Leto's perspective, he can't hear what you say he can't hear. I don't get a good feel for Ellil. Is this a tree standing alone, or towering above a forest? On pg13, it seems like he's running over the tops of other trees. Was Maya also up in the tree? (later, you do explain this. You might want to move some of the explanation before the action to give the reader a sense of setting.) pg 16: "Suddenly, a sound punched through the tempest coursing through his body, and he let the fist drop as the Advocates took hold of his arms. Not a single whimper escaped his lips as they began to beat him, taking turns at punches and kicks" -didn't quite get this. What sound did he hear? I do like the environment you've created, with the island with such strong wind that everything is bent before it. I'm interested to read more about the wild ones and what the Taming is. It's early in the story to get a good feeling for it yet, but I'll say right now I like where it's going, but there is a lot of cleanup to do in the editing process.

I see what you mean about these chapters... Pg 3: the whole political situation sort of comes out of nowhere. I have no idea what the Colonial Libertarians stand for or what the Frontal Strategy is, and it doesn't seem to have a lot to do with the story. I don't know whether to root for them or not, or if it matters. I had to read that paragraph a couple times to make sure I wasn't missing anything important. The whole conversation with Hwan is sort of strange. It reads almost as an infodump opportunity, and almost like we're supposed to be looking for a plot point with that character. Not sure which it is as of yet, but currently it feels weak. From what I can tell, nothing really happens here in chapter 7. There's no real plot development, and not a lot of character development, either. The argument with Celia is similar. I understand how it could come up, and the motivations of the characters seem real enough, but the whole argument reads as forced. Maybe it should have come earlier, before Celia accepted the "blackmail" bedtime stories. Once she's accepted that in trade for eating, the reader doesn't expect her to argue again. Pg 12: ok, so I was totally expecting this to be another story-in-story chapter, and it threw me off that it wasn't, although it makes sense as Dimas has just stormed out. Pg 16: So the conversation with Hwan was important... I think the whole political situation needs some more buildup in the previous chapters so it makes more sense here. Your focus has been on the black rectangle, and then the story-in-story, and now it's switching again to political matters. Chapter 8 does start moving a little more, but it's hampered by the setup in chapter 7. I think chapter 7 may come across as weak because of the story switching gears. By this point, we want to hear more about Celia's father and what happened, and we're given political intrigue instead. Maybe combine chapters 7 and 8 and give us another bedtime story? Although drunken bedtime stories probably aren't too good either. The whole attack by the punk kids and Dimas' visit to his old home don't move the plot along, and could be cut. We already know the state of the colony, and know Dimas used to live here before he went off to fight.

Thanks for the comments. Seems like I might be doing alright with the Cult of Form. I'll keep an eye out as I write. I'll also go back to that description of Enos. I see what you mean. I was reading my current book at lunch today and came across this same line. Now that you pointed it out, it just made me laugh! Yep. This is one of those things that nagged at me when I wrote and I shrugged it off. People always pick up on those points! I need to listen to my subconscious while I write. They're both attempts at being "cultural" whether that worked out or not. The rice paper comment meant Origon believes the threat of the Aridori is only a flimsy ruse. Not sure if I got that point across correctly.

Here is chapter 11 of The Seeds of Dissolution. Previously: -Origon flew a capsule to the Methiemum moon, discovered a strange aberration that defies natural law, and reported back to the ruling members of Methiem and to his friend Rilan, on the Council of the Maji. -Sam, living on Earth, escaped a strange energy-sucking coldness, but was unable to save his aunt. He escaped through the hole in the fireplace of his house, and met up with Origon in the Nether. -Sam learned about the Nether and the city of the Imperium, Origon took him to see the Council, and Councilor Rilan determined that she and Sam are the same species. -Rilan meets her new apprentice and Sam learns how little the ten species know about space and the universe. -A crisis is brewing, with some members of the Assembly wanting to secede. Meanwhile, Sam is left with Enos, and has to figure out how to talk to girls. I'm looking for the same stuff as always: character development and interaction, worldbuilding, pacing, learning curve, and any confusion with words. Thanks!

I've got Chapter 11 ready to submit for Monday, if that's alright.

I'll certainly continue reading, and you should also get some other opinions on the writing style (HINT to other reviewers...), as I've already said I'm biased. Others might like that style more than I do. I'll try in the future to only note new things I see and not harp on the style... I think the story itself is very enjoyable. I've certainly read books before where my appreciation for the story and characters overwhelmed any dislike of a particular writing style.

pg 5: the transition to the story is still pretty abrupt. The last chapter ends with Dimas leaving the room, so you don't get a sense that he's sitting down to tell more of the story. I guess this is still the style, but I notice a lot of your sentences are short and choppy. If this is the intent, fine. Otherwise, it makes the reading jerky. Pg 6: "but he was either flat ignoring him or pretending not to hear" -I think these actually mean the same thing... I think the problem I have with story is that it's such a departure from the rest of the tale. If the whole thing was like the sci-fi adventure, or like the story, it would be fine. It's a large jump to go between the two. I also keep wondering how Dimas knows this story so well. Either he's making up parts to fill in gaps as he tells it to Celia, in which case it's not what "really" happened, or he's got some sort of memorized account. Sorry to be so literal about this, as I know it really doesn't matter to the overall story, but these things keep popping into my head as I read and distracting me. In the latter half of chapter 6, there is a lot more of "He said" and "your father told me," which sits better with Dimas telling the story. In the first half, there's not a lot. Pg 11: ok--the lack of quotes is again bugging me. After more thought it might be the mixed prose and dialogue. "Riki, he said. And, er, yes please, I’ll have some" This takes too much effort for me to parse when you, as the writer, are giving direction and when the character is speaking. I think if you're not going to use quotes, you might separate the dialogue into a separate line by itself. Especially don't mix dialogue in a large paragraph--I have to read those at least twice to pick out the dialogue. pg 13: "At that the old man started coughing, and stubbed out his cigar in a big ashtray full of almond shells. His wife took the ashtray from him, saying, Nelson, you know you’re not supposed to get worked up like this. Then she gave Riki a stern look, the look of a displeased schoolteacher. This young man isn’t one of those." -This is a prime example. The last line could technically be either dialogue OR Dimas' narration, and it took me several reads to figure out that the wife was speaking. Overall your story and writing are well done. Sorry I keep going on about the story sections--I know you're following a specific style. Just trying to point out all the things that jump out at me as I read it--they're big enough that they're keeping me from paying as much attention to the content of the story.

Uh oh--now I'm getting called out! I thought this chapter was better, mainly because it was more action oriented than character. Here's what I saw: Pg 2: "If that guy can ‘port anywhere, he could already be at my house." -I was asking myself this very questions, and expecting him to pop up on the subway or something. But since you brought it up, now I'm wondering if he knows where she lives, or why Emily thinks he would be able to appear in her house? Pg 3: “You have a Power. You gained access to it on your birthday.” -interesting...so is this a power that is given to someone? If it's hereditary, I don't know why it would show up on a birthday particularly. It would show up within a couple years, but nothing specific. Pg 3: Chris seems very well connected with the World Order... Pg 5: "He looked about 25." -It's hard to judge ages that accurately. You might say "he looked like he was in his mid-twenties," or something like that. Pg 6: "had the same blonde hair and 5’11’’ height, and looked about 19 as well" -You do this here and a little later on. Don't give exact heights or ages. It's all but impossible to tell that on casual inspection. Talk in generalities--taller, shorter, mid-twenties, under twenty, older, etc. It's enough for people to get the idea. But this does provide some better tags for a group of people. Some authors give nicknames to new characters, just to smooth introductions (especially if they are one-off or minor characters). For example the woman stands out, and then the four men Emily could nickname "Not-Rem," "Old," "Black Hair," and "Red Hair." Then when you talk about them in the midst of action, they stand out (see note below on action) Pg6: "and Emily wasn’t sure Rem even knew what ‘proud’ meant." -Huh? Not sure what this meant. Is Rem stupid? Humble? Pg7: The fight scene is unclear. I'm not sure who's doing what to whom. There's a lot of names flying around, and you address it blow-by-blow. This gives a lot of information to the reader, and is very jerky because it's a lot of short sentences. You could add some generalities (while Nick and Red Hair fought, I did X that was very heroic...). Pg8: "Rem’s identical twin" -Are you giving this as a nickname, or telling us who he is? Because from Emily's POV, she wouldn't know this (or at least wouldn't really figure this out in the midst of being kidnapped) OK, as I said, I liked this chapter better. It's got some action, and some movement from the antagonists. Looks like Emily might find out more about her Power next time!

I definitely want to get impressions from readers on these people. It wasn't my intention to channel anything Mid-eastern about them. They are religious fundamentalists, but as much as any Baptist, Catholic, Muslim, Jew, or any other religion could be. Looking back on the story, though, there are some obvious parallels. Any thoughts on how to differentiate in the story so it doesn't seem like I'm making a particular political or religious statement?

Hadn't thought of that, but I may steal the idea! Thanks for your input on the other parts. I'll try to get more of that physicality on the re-edit. Right now, I've got to push myself to write more--I've gotten behind over the last few weeks.

Here is chapter 10 of The Seeds of Dissolution. Previously: -Origon flew a capsule to the Methiemum moon, discovered a strange aberration that defies natural law, and reported back to the ruling members of Methiem and to his friend Rilan, on the Council of the Maji. -Sam, living on Earth, escaped a strange energy-sucking coldness, but was unable to save his aunt. He escaped through the hole in the fireplace of his house, and met up with Origon in the Nether. -Sam learned about the Nether and the city of the Imperium, Origon took him to see the Council, and Councilor Rilan determined that she and Sam are the same species. -Rilan meets her new apprentice and Sam learns how little the ten species know about space and the universe. I'm looking for the same stuff as always: character development and interaction, worldbuilding, pacing, learning curve, and any confusion with words. Thanks!

Looks like another slow week. I can submit chapter 10, if that's alright.

cnr87: Thanks for the comments! Glad you liked this version better. nm whitley: Thanks to you as well. That's something I hadn't really thought about before. I'll go back and look when I was using 3rd or 1st. Now that I am thinking about it, I've been using italics when I wanted to make the thought sharper to the reader, as in it's something Sam feels strongly. The third person is more when I need narration from inside his head. It feels passive to me. At any rate, I'll keep a closer eye on this as I write further.

I forgot this was a novella. The part timings make more sense, but for such a short story, you might not need to even make the differentiation. I assume 4-11 is the story-in-story? This would be a large chunk of the book then. I would make sure it reads well. On that note... Again, this makes more sense now. I would still be careful, as they are both published authors. Not including the quotes might only set your agent's/editor's teeth on edge. Personally (and this is just me talking, so no offense), I really don't like that style--it seems lazy and pretentious because it makes the reader work hard to figure out what's going on rather than just enjoying the book. On the other hand, other people do like it for the easy, storytelling vibe. It's your story. On the last point, Dimas' voice, I would make the 3rd person voice closer to the 1st person rather than the other way around. It seems to me to fit better with the environment you've created. I think it could be fixed relatively easily, with a few comments thrown in here and there, and maybe a sentence about how he settles into a different mindset to tell the story to Celia. You could even say that he purposefully smooths out his rough speech to not scare her (as the story is about her father being in danger...) But I think it could be fixed, and without too much difficulty.

I'll start right with comments on this one, and then go into what I thought. First sentence...I had to open up the previous chapters to find out who "her" was that Dimas followed. Obviously it's been a while since I've read the last chapter, but you may want to include Thais' name again, since you don't mention her name until the 4th paragraph. Pg1: "an antique digital clock ticked off the seconds" -It doesn't actually tick, then, does it? Not a big thing, but this sentence pulled me out of the story while I thought about it. Pg1: "She let her jaw drop to speak again but said nothing." -Minor POV error. 'Her jaw opened to speak," or "Dimas saw her mouth open," but don't tell what Thais is thinking about doing. Pg2: "Dimas about his mother, his sister, the house, and Thaïs about her job working in the Colonial branch of some dirtside bank, worrying with her finger at a patch of dry skin under her left eye as she spoke in her peculiar High Colonial dialect plagued with Terrestrial tics from her private-school background." -this is a really long sentence and I got lost reading it. Pg11: This is part 2 already? Makes me wonder how many parts there will be. You might just leave it as Chapter 4. I note you also switch to first POV. This can be tricky. pg 13: "Riki took a step back from the doorway, shouting What in the hell...?" -even though this is technically dialogue (and I'm not sure whether the whole thing should be in quotes or not) Riki's direct speech should be in quotes. So should the little man's speech. -yeah...after that point you go into full dialogue. You really need quotes in this. pg 14: ...Ok, now you've got the man telling a story to Riki, whose story is being told to Celia, in the story you are writing...I have no idea how many quotes need to be in this. Pg 15: "Are you kidding, said Riki, of course I know who she is. If you don’t know, Berihun was the new Chief Administrator who had just been chosen to represent the Colonial Authority on Earth." -here you're pulling out of the story-in-story to give side info to Celia. It's a little confusing. Pg17: When he got back that night there was a crowd of neighbours clustered near the open elevator door, muttering amongst themselves with serious looks on their faces. “I heard a sound, did you hear a sound?” or “I heard a loud noise, like wha-bam, and I came out to look,” they were saying. -Now you use quotes? Pg17: "Debating whether the poor man had jumped or been pushed. Riki went to the stairwell and started climbing. He had grown to like Wellington, and now that someone had thrown him down the elevator shaft..." -First he's debating, then he's sure of what happened to Wellington. So overall, I still like your writing style, and the environment you've created. Your prose is polished, except for some quibbles over quotes. But the more I think about it, the less I like the story-in-story. First for the confusion in how it's told, but that can be fixed. Second, the change from 3rd to 1st gives us a different view of Dimas' personality. In 3rd, I got the sense he was a terse, laconic, ex-military who was on a mission. Now he's spinnin' a yarn for the young'un to help 'er get to sleep. forgive the horrible slang, but that's sort of the old-man-on-a-porch impression I got. I think it's much more in line with the creole/latino atmosphere, but doesn't fit with the first look at Dimas. Third, the point where this story is told derails the larger story you're telling. In the first two chapters, Dimas is escaping guards to get back into a restrictive colony, trying to make a black-market deal on a strange piece of technology, and then visiting the house of a woman who's probably in some sort of trouble. It's tense and exciting. Then we suddenly pull up a chair and have storytime to a little girl. Yes the story is related, and I can see where it's going, but I think we need to understand the characters a lot better before we sit down for a long yarn with them. I think titling "Part II" so early on accentuates that sense of the story completely changing. I'm still interested in reading more, but I want to get out of the story and get back to what's really happening. We can have an interlude after getting over the hurdles of Part I and know generally what the story is about. Right now, I have no idea, except that it itcludes a slim black rectangle.

The heart of this chapter was good, but I think the execution here was a little shaky. To start, there were a few grammatical things in the interlude (which was fine except for that) 1) Ms Lila-she keeping telling me to call her Granna but I still think of her as Ms Lila in my mind, was very adamant about our behavior today. 2) Ms Lila--she keeping telling me to call her Granna but I still think of her as Ms Lila in my mind--was very adamant about our behavior today. -use an em dash, not an en dash, and make sure you come out of your comment. Otherwise I get confused as to where the sentence is ending. 1) Ms Lila-Granna had 2) Ms Lila--Granna--had -Here too. There's a couple other places during the chapter. 1) There is no concern in her face just irritation 2) There is no concern in her face, just irritation Comma. Pg7: is Eliza a different person than Elizabeth? Sounds like this is one of Rowana's friends in context. Also, where did the party come from? Did I just miss it, or was there suddenly a party Saturday night? Pg11: you mention that Elizabeth is expecting David, and I remember now vaguely something about inviting him to a party. Of course I have a week or more between chapters, but you might want to add a reminder in there somewhere of why they're having the party, who's invited, etc. Pg 12: "She turned, facing burning, to lead them into the house. She felt someone else behind her and a voice whispered in her ear. “Still friends?” Again her stomach jumped. She fluttered a weak smile and looked up to see the teasing set fade from David’s lips." -This paragraph is a little awkward. First, it's not someone else, it's David. he was right there. Second, I thought they were friends now? Why does he feel the need to make sure? Last, "teasing set" doesn't really work for me. pg 16: Some of David's speech is coming across overly refined now, even more than you mean. "We did not have time for trivial pleasures like this when I was a child. I spent most of my time in more instructive methods.” -I would have had to had to say something to this, but no one else notices. I get he's a weird character, but was he raised by resistance fighters? This goes into nutso camo-covered survivalist territory. I don't think he would say something like this in mixed company unless he's a lot stupider than I thought. pg 17: “About two years into the war the Eastern Axis got tired of the fact that western missiles were pounding them into rubble and created a virus that successfully immobilized satellite communications. That's when pretty much everything descended into chaos. The west eventually figured out how to return the favor but by that time the damage was already done.” ... Within a month the economy had crashed to an irrecoverable degree.” -and no one's fixed this since? All it requires is a software reset. They should still have satellite communications unless something a lot worse went on. It would be extremely hard to infect everything. I can't buy this unless you give some better reasons. Also, Christian's consipracy theory is a little too ridiculous sounding, even for a conspiracy. It also sort of comes out of nowhere and is based on thinking the moon landing was faked? Sending an entire colony to the moon is a little harder to fake than the first ever moon landing with 3 people. Pg 21: Who's Mr. Joe? did I miss this earlier? Pg22: "as if Benedict really had volunteered on his own" This is redundant. Let the joke stand by itself. There's a lot of little typos in this chapter: He/he's, Their for They're, Then for Than (several times) This chapter is a little less refined than the others. The story is a much better way to give information, but the real heart of the chapter is the conflict between David and James. I want to find out more about that, and then it's completely dropped for the rest of the chapter for Angela's story. Again, the story is much better than the infodump, but you should probably make one more comment about the animosity between David and James before the end of the chapter to keep the interest going. Also, if this is now the first we hear of the history of the war, I think it's too late. If you've removed the info dump completely, you need to drop earlier hints.

Portals tend to work all the time. It's unusual one didn't (because of the Drain). I'll try to make this clearer. Yes, the end of this chapter still feels awkward to me. I'll be cleaning it up in edit. Let me know what you think after ch5...

After reading comments on how Sam's agoraphobia was not working in the book, I found myself unable to write more until I went back and edited those parts. So here is all of chapter 6, 7, and about half of chapters 8 and 9. It is a long selection, about 10000 words. Feel free to skim through to places you thought didn't work before. This also includes the new section (ch 8) where Rilan places a block in Sam's mind. I think I've gotten a lot more of what Sam should be feeling, both in being thrust out of his home, and in seeing alien species for the first time. Let me know how I've done...

Speech pattern taken care of chapter 4 and on. I'll keep the tokens in mind. I think there's more of this later, but I'll try to bring them forward in the edit. Good thought. Yep.

Glad to see you reviewing again cjhuitt! Thanks for all the feedback. The general editing notes are good. I'll keep those around for the first edit. Aside from that, it seems like you had two major issues: 1) You say you weren't bothered by the learning curve, but then skipped a lot of names and were confused later with Sureriaj, Sasthssn, Kirian, the colors, etc. This tells me I need to tone it down a lot, or make it clear these things will be explained later. 2) Questions for the future. A lot of the points you bring up are addressed as the book progresses. I want to just say RAFO, but I'm wondering if I need to tone down the questions some. Are you still interested enough to keep reading and find out, or have I asked too much without answering? With the amount of worldbuilding for this books, I was aiming for answering a lot of the basic questions within 50 pages or so. The questions being: -Species not having space flight yet (answered soon) -How species from different planets met the first time (answered in ch 6 or 7) -Methiemum being the only ones with spaceflight, thus having a monopoly on space minerals (I don't think I specifically addressed this? I meant to say they were the most technologically advanced...might need to edit that) -How Origon knows about the shuttle (hinted at soon, answered ch 9, I think) -How the Houses of magic work and connections to air/communication. (answered through the book as magic is explained)