AdolinsGirloftheWeek

I liked this. You are setting up some interesting mysteries and that's always fun. I was confused here and there, but that's probably because I haven't read the earlier chapters. You have two moments in this chapter with very short-sentence dialogue exchanges with little in-scene details to frame them. I have a weakness for those moments, but two in one chapter seems like a lot, even with several terse characters. Dimas is an interesting character with what seems to be a loaded background, but I would love to get inside his head a bit more. What does he think about everything going on? My favorite part was his little internal monologue after his chat with Celia - I would love more stuff like that.

^ Any chance you could re-send the first 12 chapters? I'm curious about the story, but I'd prefer to look through the earlier sections than get a backstory breakdown.

Thank you very much for checking this out Cetriya! Great catch on the over-explaining thing for Niko, I'll make a note of it. I like your comments on Pythia's mental reactions as well - improving that might help mitigate the problem with her inaction as a character. As for Niko's name, both Niko and Nikos are Greek names, but I don't love the running together "S" in Nikos Silverwing (I'm guessing most English-speaking readers won't be as familiar with Japanese culture as you are).

I liked Neda a lot - she had a nice confidence to her, and I liked her oddly casual relationship with Mahau. They have a fun dynamic and I'd like to see more it. Having said that, I think their conversation may have run a little long. It slowed the pace a bit, and it did seem a little odd that she would argue/banter with him that long while a messanger from the greater gods waited. Since she seems like the more responsible one, I was also surprised he had to bring the subject up. Overall, excited to keep reading more!

I loved this! sorry it took me so long to read :/ But anyways, I especially loved the beginning scene. It was an interesting way to introduce the world and the magic system, and I was intrigued by Mahau's character right off that bat. Giving him a legit moral dilema right off the bat gave us a lot about him. I think my biggest problem with Arlon's part is that I just didn't care as much as I did in the first part of the chapter. Maybe better to hold off on the scene until we feel more for those whose lives will be affected by Arlon's plan, or make Arlon a little more sympathetic of a character to the audience.

Mandamon, akoebel, thank you again for your helpful comments! As always they are extremely appreciated. If I do end up deciding to stick with this as the beginning, I will definitely do something about those first couple of pages - akoebel, I think you summed up the problem perfectly - it's too much of a "fast-forward" through events. As for Pythia's POV, I think I will take your last bit of advice Mandamon and keep writing for now. It's hard for me to figure out how I could structure the story without it, but that's not to say it's impossible. I still think her POV might be worth pulling off, but I'll keep an eye on the problem and see how awkward it keeps making things in the next few chapters.

Oh that is great to hear! WoK has one of my favorite fantasy novel covers.

This is the second/first chapter of my novel Slumber, a story of fairytale magic and heroes who need to lighten up. Upper YA in general tone, with little controversial subject matter besides moderate fantasy violence. Based on last week's critique, I've tried to rework the first half of my second chapter into a feasible half a first chapter instead. So my biggest question is, does it work as an introduction to the story? For those who read last week's chapter, do you like these scenes as the start of the story better? Besides that, any comments on anything (voice, exposition balance, characterization, plot etc.) are definitely appreciated. Thanks! AGW

ShinNoir and akoebel, thank you! I really appreciate your critiques. I'm going to scrap this as the first chapter, but I know I will circle back to this scene at some point, so these comments are extremely helpful. Akoebel, agreed on giving up the ending twist! As fun as it seemed, I can see the disadvantages better now. And thanks for the Brandon wisdom - he always has such good points. I'll try softening the D&D feel too. I have this unfortunate addiction to the word "quest," I'm starting to realize. So glad you liked the voice! ShinNoir, I'll check out "Churchhill's Bodyguard." Sounds like a good read. I'm already head-desking at putting Ashera so far away from Talvin. And I appreciate your point about the gathering seeming too friendly. Given what happens next, the friendliness seems even more out of place - I'll work on fixing that. As for Talvin, he's the fourth son, so he managed to shirk his academic lessons a fair amount. He's all right at speeches, but he's terrible at arguing with people, which will be something he'll have to work in the course of the story. I'll try to tweak the wording a bit to soften it though, maybe get rid of "crushed" and all that. (sorry to everyone in this thread for the long responses to critiques - it's just an easy way for me to keep track of how I'm addressing each story problem). Thanks again! AGW (EDIT: Embarrassingly enough, just figured I could upvote posts - that problem has been resolved)

I'd love to submit something this week.

Thanks to you both! These are incredibly helpful critiques, and I really appreciate you taking the time to do them. Believe it or not, Ashera (the quiet desert girl) is the protagonist, with Talvin as the secondary protagonist. Pythia influencing their actions does affect the power of their choices at first, but eventually they discover her non-corporeal presence hanging about, and things get a little more complicated. I wanted to go for a Great Gatsby/The Book Thief feel, where the narrator is involved in the circumstances and does have a growth arc of his own, but does not ultimately drive the main action of the story. (Though this story is definitely not on the scale of either of those books.) Based on my outlines and scenes I've written so far, Pythia soon starts entering Ashera and Talvin's heads, where her PoV is more limited, since she is sharing their senses (though she can also hear the thoughts of whoever she's occupying at the time). I wrote this first chapter because I thought it would be the most clear way to establish the magic system and Pythia's own character, but I realize now that the twist kind of undermines that second point, and also, there are so many people and concepts introduced that it feels a bit overwhelming. So knowing this, and looking at your critiques, my thoughts are just to discard most of the first chapter, and start with Pythia entering Ashera's head while she's trying to escape Niko Silverwing's supply wagon. That gives Pythia some action she can take right away, but also better establishes Ashera as the protagonist, and provides action that is more narrow and focused. Alternatively, I could just rework the first chapter without the twist, then maybe label it "Prologue" or something so it doesn't promise a protagonist it can't keep. I'm leaning towards the first option, but I would love your thoughts!

Hi there! I like the beginning – though I might play up the oddly mundane feel of the situation even in that first opening paragraph. That’s the fun part for me – what’s going on is very gross and a little creepy, but Lyan and her father treat it rather casually. The concept makes me interested right away, and I’d love to see it even right in that first sentence, so the reader knows they are not getting a run of the mill horror story. We get a lot of Lyan’s room, and even though it’s an interesting set of paragraphs, it winds a little slow – perhaps she could be searching for something in the room while the reader gets the info, like she is in the later paragraphs. It might lend a little more action to the scene. I think you also don't need to explain to us so clearly how the room characterizes her - it speaks for itself. Just a heads up, I’ve also probably read one too many novels with female protagonists that have an early scene of the girl getting ready/examining herself in the mirror. Nothing wrong with it, and it’s nice to know what she looks like, it just feels a little cliché. In chapter 3 the dialogue is very intriguing, but also gets a little confusing in the back and forth. I think this will be resolved judging by your notes though. Overall: I like the concept, I like the world, and I think you do a good job with suspense. I wanted to know what Roa was like before she arrived, and now I want to know more about conflict she seems to be introducing. I also want to know more about Lyan’s magic, and what exactly the All-Die was.

Hmm, so many options... Zane - A good "fixer-upper" Denth - great sense of humor Dilaf - so sincere and devout The Lord Ruler - always looks young, plus, gotta love a man with power Ruin - Life of the party, knows how to shake things up Odium - The ultimate bad boy In all seriousness, I'd probably go for Spook. Cute, boy next door type with relatable flaws and great potential.

This is the first chapter of my novel, Slumber, a fairytale reworking with a more Sword and Sorcery-ish spin to it. Should be Upper YA in general tone, with little controversial subject matter besides moderate fantasy violence.I'd love your thoughts on voice and how you feel about the plot being set up/central conflict especially, as well as anything else that strikes your mind. Thanks! AGW

Thank you very much! It's great to be here.