Mandamon

I'll do the same deal as last week. I have another chapter to submit but don't want to hog space. If it's full, I'll drop back a week.

I guess I'm getting a reputation . The reason I harp on this a lot is that I was exactly the same way when I started out. I've spent my last two books training myself to write from character rather than a plot, and I find it make the story a whole lot better. This is the reason Romeo And Juliet can be done in 16th century Italy as easily as in 20th century L.A. or with animated garden gnomes. The characters drive the story. The plot and worldbuilding can be a wonderful addition (I prefer the garden gnome version myself...) but it's just that--an addition built around the characters. Open up the find/replace function. You can actually apply italics or underline in the search box and it will at least turn single words from one to the other. Not sure how to do it for all sentences, but you could at least identify every place it happens.

Very interesting you say this. In the previous four or so incarnations, this was always the beginning of the story. I switched it around this time to get a first taste for the fantasy world and the magic. Of course, then I ended up with four chapters of introduction. As a point of interest, when I get the next chapter posted, see if you would still want this to be the first chapter if the other four were in between this one and the 6th... ...Syme--you must have been posting when I was. Thanks for the second opinion. That's basically why I changed it. Yeah...you're on the right track. Tune in next week!

So the whole infodump issue seems to be covered. It needs to be changed, but I think the important part is how it should be changed. You don't actually get to The Big Secret until nine pages in, and this is what I have more of a problem with than even the infodump. She's an Empath (and her siblings are something, too) but I looked back at the previous chapters. It seems like you've made an effort to show she can bond with the children and with New Guy at the end, but I don't see evidence of this anywhere previously. it's like you included it particularly in this chapter because you wanted to show it off. Especially in the flashback with Bleys, holding hands for the first time I would expect to see her knowing his emotions in her recollection. So this ties in with the infodump. I think all of this you need to spread out more between the chapters. Don't keep it a secret, because it's the point of your book (I assume). Show that she's getting blips of emotion from those she interacts with in the first chapter, then you won't need to explain as much. Have someone in passing mention that they wished X technology was still around, or that X war with China hadn't happened. You can do the same thing with the siblings, if they have a different power. I would as rather not have to read another infodump later about what their ability is. As to New Guy, he's weird. Looks like that's your intent, so I guess it's alright, but he comes across as almost bipolar. He's strangely angry one moment, then helpful the next. Oh, and if I was a girl and he had kissed me like that, he would have been on his rear and I would have been limping back to the lodge on my own, no matter how much I had to struggle. Or at least the manager would be hearing about it and me might not be working there the next day after all. Also, I was thinking your assumption of rare minerals of any sort on the Moon was false, but looked it up and found out people are starting to think of that already, so good work there. It lends some credence to your backstory and setting up the colony on the moon. I will agree you need a better reason for the sudden war. Even if that's some plot point later, have the current opinion that some dimplomat made a faux pas or something, just so the reader doesn't wonder why there's no reason. Random question: Can your nose run in space? Overall, I liked this chapter better than the last one, but it does need some editing.

Haven't listened to the latest episode, but they mention Vinge quite often on the podcast. I'm currently reading A Fire Upon the Deep (on their recommendation), which deals with several alien species, and various emotions or lack thereof. Very interesting. In particular, there is one species that is a group-mind personality (one conciousness made of several individuals) which is very well done. ...just remembered, there's another race with no (natural) short term memory. Provides some interesting conversations with humans.

Hmmm...fair point. Would you accept eBay? I'll have to look at that in the edit.

Not anything specifically. More my usual (maybe thinking too hard) reaction of seeing anger, lust, greed, hate fear... all the usual human reactions. There weren't any particularly lacking or added, except the lack of attachment to a body. I don't think you necessarily need to change anything. As humans, we react best to human emotions in stories. Do aliens feel the same emotions we do? Probably not something to be addressed in a nine-page story.

I didn't really see anything wrong with this. It was short and to the point, and had some good insight into the Poquat species. Now, I will add that without having first read your other short story, I might have been confused jumping straight into this. Standing by itself, I think the reader could probably pick up what was going on a few paragraps in, but might wish for a little longer story fleshing out how the Poquat species works and looks, as described in Sweet Nectar of Memory As for a story from a wholly un-human viewpoint, as I think about it afterwards (and I did not when I was reading...), Sartaqua has very human reactions, but then what else are you going to do? I struggle with this myself. I do like the Poquat indifference to the body dying, though. That adds an alien flare. Two other minor things: 1) for a story this short the explanation of the heist in the middle might be a tad long. 2) The fight had a lot of blow-by-blow information. You might be able to cut some and give more of an impression except where certain moves are required for the story. Overall, very nice, and could easily be submitted to a short story contest somewhere.

I did get some of the same feeling as Syme on the lack of technology, but wasn't as bothered by it. I assumed it went along with whatever the Crash was. Unfortunately, that might have been because I spent the first half being confused. your first discussion on Crashers/gathering/volunteering/etc is a little too vague. You're trying not to reveal too much, but you've revealed too little, especially for the length of the dialogue. I'm having to keep track of things I don't yet have any description of, so I can't remember them by then end of the dialogue. On page 7 you finally get to a reveal that this mysterious group is a bunch of students. You probably could have told me that sooner without messing anything up. I would combine the student's history lesson with the conversation with Remington. That way you can get across the information without 1) having an infodump and 2) the reader being confused for the whole chapter on which organization or person is doing what. As an example of this, you explain how ruling over a continent isn't exactly the correct description (vs a landmass) before I even know who's ruling what. I'm still not sure what the difference is between the Coalition and World Order. A couple of character/plot things: -Characters are still light on description and personality. I think I had this same complaint last time. I have trouble remembering who is who. I got Remington confused with Jonas during the conversation with the students. -I didn't understand why Emily got so upset about the students asking about a conspiracy theory. And then someone she didn't know at all indirectly called her non-related uncle a stupid name and she got really upset. This is where you need some extra characterization to help the reader understand why this is happeneing. -Also, was it supposed to be clear why the students were taunting her, or is that something to be revealed later? Did Jonas or Remington put them up to it? I do like the writing style, and the story seems like it will be engaging once it gets going. I'm intrigued by characters developing some mental/magic power in a cultre with failing technology.

This is the reaction I'm looking for (a bit). I said in another post that this book is a "Fantasy Space Opera." This will certainly tie in with the next few chapters and is part of the main story.

Here is chapter 5 of The Seeds of Dissolution, in which a new POV is introduced. Previously Origon has flown a capsule the Methiemum moon, discovered a strange abberation that defies natural law, and reported back to the ruling members of Methiem and to his friend Rilan, on the Council of the Maji. As always, I'm looking for critique on character development, worldbuilding, pacing, strange language, and learning curve (not much of the last two this week). Grammar and nitpicky edits I'm not as interested in as this is a rough draft.

I'd like to submit on Feb 4th as well. I can push back a week if others who haven't gone recently want to.

Not sure why, but I didn't like the second half as much as the first. I've tried to figure out why and can't quite--I've started this reply over several times now. Part of it is the first half explores the philosophical reasonings behind actions very carefully, while the second half, as Turos says, is a survival at all costs. There's a disconnect between the way the two halves are structured. Another part is that Alina accepts Sence's lies very easily, without asking for any proof that Sence has done the obviously nigh-impossible task of convincing Lord Vasco. I'm expecting her to at least prod a little to get more information. After all, as a paid wizard, her reputation and possibly life will be on the line (as we see later). Last, the end leaves some things unfinished. This is ok for a short story, but I think there would be some immediate retribution for the Poquat forcing the portal open. Are they denied trade access now, or does the Marqis just let the people who have invaded his fortifications and killed his soldiers have free reign through the portal? I assume the madness is still sweeping the city, so there will be bad feelings toward the Poquat when the reason gets out. Seems like there could easily be more to this story. Your end point seems more like the end of the second act, where everything is at its worst. I'm still waiting for the third act, where everything gets tied up. The story is still intriguing, but I feel like there's more you can do with it.

Aubrey--yes, I need to explain the physical limitations of the magic. I didn't want to delve too deeply this early in, but it sounds like it was confusing. I'll go back and edit later, but I meant that he had physically tired himself out by using magic so much, but he had also decreased his total volume of power by permanently investing--sort of like losing bits of soul. That's the part that would take years to grow back. I do intend to address this later as well. I've already done some editing on the scene with Rilan after the other comments. Good points, though.

Aubrey--good points on the flight into space. I didn't want to dwell on it too much, since it's not very interesting having a character flip switches for hours. Looks like I need to address a few things, though. The pod has no artificial gravity. They are strapped firmly into chairs until the crash, so I didn't think there would be too much problem with weightlessness. I should probably look that up. I did think about the lack of air--maybe I'm not explaining it very well. I envisioned him as creating a force through the space in between things (i.e. the House of Communication, dealing with bridging gaps). This translates to "moving air" in atmosphere. I'll do some revising--might be good to focus on the transition to lack of atmosphere, as you suggest. This is behind the scenes stuff, but I envisioned Ksupara as a very close moon, similar to Mars', so they spend less time in space. The Moon is about 380,000 km from Earth and it takes 76 hours to get there, going by that calculation: Deimos is about 23,460 km from Mars and it would take 4.7 hours to get there (Phobos is even closer!) I put Ksupara 35,000 km from Methiem, taking about 7 hours to get there. Thanks for the comparison to Stackpole. I'm familiar with his work, but I don't think I've actually read anything of his!

I think you have very pleasant and engaging writing style. Despite this being slow (and probably not geared toward me), I was drawn into the story just by the writing. That's good, because, as you said, this is a slow start. I agree with Syme that it might be a little too slow. You know what readers you're aiming at better than I, so maybe this works, but I'm trying to imagine a 14 yo girl sitting still long enough to get this far. There's a love interest, so that's a start, but it's already somewhat developed, so there's not the excitement of seeing a new relationship form. You cover the beginnings in the flashback, but that section is so long (3.5 pages!), I'm thinking maybe that's where your first conflict may be, and you need to back up to tell that story. The sisters are well developed, as are the couple minor characters. Bley is a little too saccharine for my taste, but then we're seeing him through Elizabeth's eyes. And then there's the SF aspect. I also agree this doesn't feel like SF at all. Aside from the rocket in the prologue and the one casual mention of the lunar colony in this one, every part of this story could be an average YA romance. Part of it is the setting, although I'll give you some slack on that since you say this is a very small mountain community. Still, if you allow 30+ years as a minimum, I at least expect Shian to show off a picture of the cute new guy on her smartphone. The shop owner probably won't have receipts, and the "Old Chevy" will be at least a 2020 model. It may not be rumbling (with no gas motor). Maybe some of the SF comes out later in the in story, but thinking in terms of an agent looking for a specific market, you might want to put some more hints in earlier.

I really like the inventive worldbuilding. The flying fish is a great courier, and I really like the starlight-powered machine (astral power rather than solar power?) and the orb-messages. I see where Syme is coming from, and I agree to an extent. There's a conflict possibility (I got a surprise message!), but the follow-through is in the wrong direction. It's the end of a conflict rather than a beginning. Seems like a war should be beginning, not ending. Or his brother has been eaten by Derig-spawn, or something. The formatting is a bit strange, but easy enough to fix. I do want to see more, though. The world seems very interesting, from this brief glimpse.

Thanks again for the great feedback. This chapter is a little slower, mostly because it's a tie-up of the first action of the story. The next chapter is a rather dramatic POV shift. Hopefully this one's not too slow, but it sounds like it kept you interested. I usually end up shortening in the first edit. Ok, so looks like this section needs some work. I need to go back and clarify Rilan's motives. I know her personality, but the reader doesn't yet. As to why Origon is convinced so quickly, these two have a long history, and he knows her very well. Thought I got that across, but seems I need to clarify. Not to blow my own horn, but I'm very pleased at how Origon is coming out, as I write--to the point where I'm hoping he doesn't overshadow the other POVs! Glad you alerted me to the speech, Syme. It reads a lot better to me, now, too. Thanks! I'll be happy to send you the first chapters if you want to/have time to read through--just send me a PM with your email. The magic/colors get explained in the previous chapters--they're only visible to Maji. It's really a fantasy (shh...don't tell anyone...)! Seriously, though, I'm writing this as a fantasy space opera, because I've never really seen that before.

Hello all, This is chapter 4 of The Seeds of Dissolution. Once again, this is a rough draft. This is the last of Origon's first POV, and wraps up the intro to the book. Note, for those who commented, Origon's speech is toned down. See how you like it. I hope you're getting a feel for the universe. As always, let me know of any comments on that, worldbuilding, pacing, character interest, learning curve, and anything (words, speech, etc) that gets on your nerves. Background: Having piloted the new capsule to the moon, and discovering a strange disturbance there, Origon comes back to the planet to talk to the leaders of the planet.

I'll take the fourth spot for the 28th, if that's alright.

Thanks again for the great feedback! I never really thought about this--I put the word in italics in a sort of "hey this is a foreign word" mode, but looking back, if I did that, I should probably italicize all the species and house names and I don't want to do that. I'll go back and change that. Good catch. Origon's whole species speaks like this...he is a POV character, but one of three. I tried to introduce little quirks in different species' speech to show you who's talking. Sounds like it's still not little enough. I'll tone this down. I should explain this book was the first one I wrote, and I really liked the concept. I'm re-writing it from the gound up, not even looking at the previous text if I can, as the first time around it was pretty bad. Some of the old stuff has slipped back in, like kelhiw, Origon's language, and Species names. That's part of the reason I'm posting here--to weed out the old unneeded elements. This does get addressed in the next few chapters. It's meant to bring up a question in the reader's mind at this point as to what is "magic," as this is not the stadard medieval setting. I wanted to show what the magic system could do before I fully explained it. Hopefully this works, or will become clearer as the story progresses...

I liked the overall principle of your story with memory transfer and an alien race. I also liked the setting. There were two very long philosophical/mathematical conversations here that I think need to be cut down a bit. this is still the first chapter and you're already investigating problems that have plagued human society for thousands of years, re: the price of a life and mind vs. soul. even one of these will be a little heady for a first chapter, but having both set the tone as more of a philosophical book rather than a fantasy. If you are planning to have a very philosophical book, fine (and I'd warn your readers about it upfront), but otherwise I'd move those conversations a bit later. You say this is a novellete, so the story is shorter and you need to get to the point faster, but I still think it's too early. Don't know why, but the first sentence almost made me set the story down immediately. I think because it was such a generic fantasy image. The story is fine afterward. I want to read more, although I'd be wary if there are more long and involved philosophical discussions. If you want to approach the subject, I'd do it in smaller chunks or with subtler situations.

Unfortunately true. I think you can blame our arrogant American culture for that. [rant] Also the school system where students can't find Europe on a map, and finding something like Germany or Romania would be too much to handle! (Note this is not directed at little wilson at all, but at our terrible school system--it gets my ire up whenever the subject comes up)[/rant]

I think everyone's covered most of what I saw, so I'll keep this short. Yes, the egg scene was confusing, but I'll go farther to say you might need to look into your movement/action blocking. Some of the descriptions are a little awkward. I was also confused by who was who in the large family. The only one I could keep straight was Erik, because he has a twin and he got more screen time. Past that, there are four (?--going from memory) other children and they walk in an out of scene without a lot of tags as to who they are. Take a look at Jim Butcher's blog on character development. It gives some good ways to distinguish characters with one or two words. Last, I know this is the first chapter, but it seemed light on content. We got a couple vague references to some sort of World Order, but it was vague enough that it didn't even capture my interest. It needs some hook to say whether it's good or bad, powerful, shadowy, conspiratorial, etc. This has potential and I'd like to read more. Keep it up!

Yep, have to agree with the others. I spent the whole story, after the first encounter, mentally shouting at the main character to figure it out. Obviously I have some extra clues, like the title and the story plot, but really, he should have figured it out sooner. Also, if you've crash landed on a planet, you check the atmosphere before you step out of the ship, rather than waiting for you air to run out. First, you don't want to waste your resources, like bottled air, and second, you don't want to get killed by a stupid mistake. It's sort of like scuba diving. If you're at all trained, you do a check on every piece of equipment before you enter the water, and you know what the water environment is like. I think for this to work as a short story, it needs a second objective. The fact that the alien's expressions/body language is opposite from ours can be used as a tool in the first contact, but there has to be something else to hold the interest. The Writing Excuses guys often mention to think through the first few twists or endings, then discard those and think past it to give a real surprise for the reader. You could use the opposite facial expressions as the first revelation, but then add a second one for the zinger at the end. Maybe the aliens genuinely don't like having fun, and that's why the little girl was scared, something like that. Good prose and writing, keep at it!