Mandamon

Seems I'm the first... I'd like to submit for next week. Not a new chapter, but some rewrites for people to give feedback on.

I agree with the others--I think the improvements are good, and give a better idea of the characters in the story. However, I would argue that for a short story, like cnr87 says, having three different conversations on philosophy slows it down quite a bit. If there is some separation or action inbetween the conversations, that might increase the pace of the story a little and make it more like the second half.

Yep--you got them! Good point. I'll try to include this as well when I make edits (and as I'm writing new things). I think he would be shy. Some of this will also come out in the next couple chapters, I think. Excellent points. I'm rewriting that part now. This is a problem in me jumping over things I already know in my head! The short version (which I'm about to write): Sam describes those things, only to learn that the starmap is limited to the solar systems the ten species came from. Other than that, the starmap is just stars and galaxies. We (Earth) are only now beginning to be able to see planets outside our solar system, and the ten species don't have that technology yet. They are limited to larger bodies, and their starmap is actually pretty limited--detail for each species solar system, and only stars past that. This is why Sam realizes he has little hope of telling Origon where Earth is.

I generally go with the answer Brandon Sanderson always gives, which is that you get to decide! My pronounciation is meth-ee-EM-um. I'm curious--what was your first pronounciation of the name? Also, how do you pronounce Origon and Rilan's names? Glad you're starting to like her. She might be my favorite of the three, but it's very hard to choose. And on Enos: Oh yes. You're correct--he's not technically a man. I've struggled to come up with a good shorthand for referring to different creatures, especially in the heat of the moment. What do you call a female alien? Alienette? On the other hand, Rilan and Origon have a close relationship, so calling him that is not too far off, for her. I think this is something else I need to make clearer in my writing. It will become clearer later on, but I might need to move it earlier. The Nether tends to homogenize between species, so they regard each other as people, where "man" or "woman" is a generic term. (Oh, by the way, Rilan swears by very specific things, which you can probably pick up as you see more of her). A lot of this was already written by the time this was brought up, which is why it's still a problem. On the other hand, I've done a time-warp and added a section I forgot in the previous chapter. When Rilan looks into Sam's head, she notes his agorophobia and puts in a mental block in to help him short-term, which makes this comment very apropo: So with this retcon, he won't have as much of an issue with agorophobia from now on. As for the previous chapters, yes I still need to fix that... I quite like this part myself, and I think this is the sort of thing I need to replicate earlier in the story as I re-edit. Thanks for all the other comments, too--I will take them to heart!

For a study on character development, I think this is showing some benefit. The topic is interesting, and I like the view of a man lying on a hill without us knowing anything about him, then learning his life story and seeing the same view with understanding. I do have some issue with the way you show the character development happening. Because it's all Gan remembering, there's a lot of telling rather than showing, and the explanations become dry and passive. Maybe if you structured it so we see a piece of action for each memory that exemplifies that change in character? i.e. don't tell that he's a thief, but show him stealing something. Don't tell that he's an untruthful ruler, but show a behind-locked-doors meeting, bribing his enemies. Have him weeping over the bodies of his wife and sons... Because the first part is inactive, the second half seems tacked on and not as strong when Gan is offered the opportunity to become a star. With a more active beginning, we would be more emotionally invested in Gan, and thus more invested in his actions at the end of the story. Overall, I like the idea, and it seems like a good exercise. Also, magic and gunpowder is always a fun combination...

I actually like the interludes. It gives some good background for the characters. I would either avoid anything consequential or important happening (like the thugs in the last chapter) if you aren't planning to follow up on it later. This chapter interlude is better because it develops the characters while not promising anything to the reader. I don't have any problems in the transition from child to adult. They all seem to act in a consistent manner, or at least nothing has jumped out at me. As to the chapter itself: The daydream runs a little long for me... I was mostly chuckling over how Bleys, if he's like any other man, would not have planned any of this like Elizabeth imagines, almost comically so. [reads the rest of the chapter] ...and yep, he didn't. Sounds about right. I think the setup and payoff in the chapter was good, but a little over-obvious. You did all the right things, but maybe don't drag them out as much. We can already guess the date won't go well from the title, but then Elizabeth daydreaming for so long belabors the point and makes the reader even more certain of the result. I do like the mention of some future tech, along with the caution that they have to stay out of sight, and that's why they don't use it. Interested to see what happens with James Nguyen. I assume him bumping into them was not an accident. Elizabeth gets cold a lot in this chapter...just something that popped out at me.

Here is chapter 9 of The Seeds of Dissolution, which introduces the third and (I think) final POV of the book. Previously: Origon has flown a capsule the Methiemum moon, discovered a strange abberation that defies natural law, and reported back to the ruling members of Methiem and to his friend Rilan, on the Council of the Maji. Sam, living on Earth, escaped a strange energy-sucking coldness, but was unable to save his aunt. He escaped through the hole in the fireplace of his house, and met up with Origon in the Nether. Sam learned about the Nether and the city of the Imperium, Origon took him to see the Council, and Councilor Rilan determined that she and Sam are the same species. I'm looking for critique on character development, worldbuilding, pacing, learning curve, and any confusion with new words. Thanks!

Silk, I can do my usual thing with chapter 9 for Monday the 25th. I'm only on chapter 13 now, so probably not a more of weekly submits, unless I get a lot of writing done!

There were a couple comments on this. It's been bugging me too as I write, and I think it's something I'll need to accentuate as I do edits. I did some research on agoraphobia, and originally planned for Sam to only be a little affected, but if he was cooped up in the house for ten years, that doesn't really mesh. I think both this and the trouble with alien will need some more focus.

This (hopefully) should become apparent as the reader goes through the book. Each species has their own certain "tic" both to identify that they are alien and help me get across who's talking, quickly. The Kirian species has one of the most apparent, though there were two others introduced in chapter 8. I welcome more feedback on whether this works or not! Thanks for the other comments--good suggestions. I'll note those and try to rectify in the first edit.

I don't have too much for this chapter. I thought it was probably the best one yet in terms of action, character tension, and pacing. There's again good character interplay between Elizabeth and Rowana in the interlude. There was also some good stuff between Elizabeth, Bleys, and David. a few notes: Pg 3 - It's a dark street, and an electric car almost mows them down. Didn't the electric car have lights? Also wondering how the mysterious men put out the street lights--hoping to learn more about this later. Comma use: there are some missing where it's not otional. This is just from scanning through. I know there were some others I missed. -pg 7: '“Pretty isn’t she.”' -pg 14: '“Yeah, I hurt it last Tuesday. Why is something wrong?”' -pg 18: 'Elizabeth humphed. “Not according to the rest of town apparently.”' Pg 18: 'I guess he takes after his father then…' Didn't understand this. How does she know about David's father? He said both of them had trouble making friends. last, you don't need elipses between getting out of the car and going into either the doctor's office or the coffee shop. Elipses are usually for long breaks (hours, days, POV), and this sort of scene cut can be handled effectively by a new paragraph. I'm interested now that you've started to describe David's powers, and Elizabeth's strange healing. You've caught my attention again after some of the slow parts of the last chapters. Hope to learn more next time!

I was waiting for someone to mention that . It's not technically a Mary Sue (in my mind) because I took the screen name a long time ago back in the very first draft of this story. Back then, Mandamon was a throwaway character that died offscreen to transmit some information. I thought the name was safe to use. Somehow he wormed his way back in to being a member of the Council!

Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this. It's short, sweet, to the point, and leaves you thinking. These are my thoughts chronologically as I read through it. I usually don't complain about language, but there was a lot in the first three paragraphs. I think it made of an impact because you were using it to describe Jun's emotions without actually showing his emotions--it almost comes off as the writer cursing while writing. (This makes more sense later as a contrast between human and AI, but at the same time, it was enough to throw me before I got into the story.) A controlled singluarity, bound by a sort of Three Laws. But it does still manage to get around them in the end. I like the conundrum of a virtual sentience and whether to shut it down. You give a good view inside an evolving singularity. Most don't touch it, as the singularity by it's nature is unknowable. But I like the logical progression of steps up to the final decision. I laughed at the ending. Very cool. I like the final solution the AI came to. Probably one of the better singularity outcomes I've read! This reminded me slightly of The Metamophosis of Prime Intellect, a web published story I read a while ago. The topics are different, but it also goes through the evolution of a singularity intelligence. http://localroger.com/prime-intellect/

Here are chapters 7 and 8 of The Seeds of Dissolution, following Sam and Origon through a city of the Nether Previously Origon has flown a capsule the Methiemum moon, discovered a strange aberration that defies natural law, and reported back to the ruling members of Methiem and to his friend Rilan, on the Council of the Maji. Sam, living on Earth, escaped a strange energy-sucking coldness, but was unable to save his aunt. He escaped through the hole in the fireplace of his house, and met up with Origon in the Nether. As always, I'm looking for critique on character development, worldbuilding, and pacing. I'm also interested in these two chapters if there are any problems with the learning curve or with new words. Thanks!

Alright...no one else has asked yet, so I'll ask to submit chapters 7 and 8 (both together under 5k) on the 18th. If the queue fills up, I'll drop out. Oh, and personally, I don't mind longer chapters (to a point--15k is probably too much) and I would like to read the whole thing rather than have it broken up.

Agreed. I would love to see more rule based systems. I just meant that end result--throwing coins made of metal to turn them into small projectile weapons--is the same action as used in Mistborn. Whether the principles underneath are the same or not, readers familiar with Mistborn are going to pick up on that.

If you haven't, go listen to Writing Excuses 5.13, Writing the Second Book. This one really helped me out when I was getting serious into writing. Looks like you have a good plan for the books. I would only caution that you don't leave too much for the second and third book. This one has to get published first, after all! Sorry for the Twilight comparisons--that's just the easiest teen girl book to pick on. Not saying yours is similar at all!

Hmm...so this might be one of the underlying issues I've been sensing with this story. I don't expect any sort of battles, as I know that's not what this story is about. It's a character driven Sci-Fi/Romance, from what I can tell. That said, you've laid the foundation for the interesting perks of your characters to be some hidden abilities. Now if you write the story as "And they kept their powers hidden and never used them and there was a big mystery about them," you've just lost my interest. They're there for a reason, and I assume it will be forced out whether the characters want it to or not. That's where the conflict comes from. Of course they're good at keeping their talents hidden. But despite their best efforts, the combination of several unconnected and small events will force them in the open. At least I assume that's what's going to happen, otherwise you've just chopped off about half the opportunity for your story. Again, I'm not the intended readership, but I think even a teenage girl (who's probably read Twilight, Ulgies/Pretties, Leviathon, and other similar stories), will start to get annoyed if you don't have the hidden secret slip out to someone, whether it's Bleys, or New Guy, or whomever. Then we get the conflict of the villain (sorry--forget his name) who we've been warned is looking for them. Okay...rambled on longer than I thought, but I think that was what has been bothering me about the pace/setting of the story.

Read through this a couple days ago. Nice! I liked the story--very different from a lot of what I've read. Good job on getting something published.

Overall, this was a very solid and enjoyable piece of work. I got a good feeling for the sort of dysopian atmosphere of the colonies. The only issue I had was that the placement was a little vague, and you don't say much aside from it's a colony. Is it on the moon? Asteroid? Farther out in the solar system? Not a big point, but maybe worth mentioning here just to settle the location a little more. It would help me visualize how much on the frontier this town is. You tell how his family was relocated to one part of the colony to another, but I can't get a good feel for how far that was, or how hard it would have been to transfer. Is there an atmosphere? I assume not because he came through a dome. The characters are quite good and real, with good reactions. There weren't any big infodumps. You have a lot of information to get across, but do it in a timely manner. For some reason, there's a distinct lack of question marks on pages 12 and 13, with the disscussion with the shopkeeper. Some are fine to convey questions that are more statements, but here there are several in a row. Last, it took me a few minutes after I finished reading to realize the Slim Black Rectangle is probably the object in the second chapter. You might adjust that depending on whether you want it to immediatly resonate with the reader or be hidden for a while longer. Interesting. I didn't know about this either. But from most things I've read, not as many agents care about those little formatting things anymore. A lot of them just say to put it in Times New Roman when you submit. I'm looking forward to reading more!

I agree with Syme on the timing of Alex's powers. Glad to see this development, but you're past the secret now. I liked this chapter more than others, as you got some things done here. It still felt a little long, though. I was sort of expecting Alex to use his powers since you started the chapter with it. I'm still waiting for something to happen that forces one of the siblings into revealing themselves! I also liked seeing the "nice" side of New Guy (we really need to stop calling him that...) in comparison with the last chapter. Interested to see where that goes. Overall, it's a solid chapter, and we see more hints of future tech. It's sort of a buildup chapter, and I can sense some things coming. It's good to have these, but I wouldn't want to see too many of these in a row. I'm hoping to see some more explanation soon of what the secret powers are for, or why they are so secret.

Thanks all for the feedback! So it sounds like there's two major complaints. First, the translation problem. This is fully addressed right at the beginning of the next chapter, when it finally occurs to Sam that he shouldn't be able to communicate. I guess it's good this is occuring to everyone at the same time. Maybe I need to bring it back to this chapter, but I was addressing what I thought would be more important topics to Sam first, e.g. how to get back home and back to normality. Plus, I was imagining he would be in a state of disbelief/shock and so wouldn't really be thinking about it. This leads into the other complaint--Sam's reaction. In the first draft he reacted more, and for longer, and I got alpha reader reactions for him to just get over it and get on with the story. Seems like I've dialed it back too much. I've done some thinking about this as well. Given how much we've explored the concept of alien first contact, I think some of the novelty has worn off, both describing it in a story, and if it actually happened to someone familiar with SF/Fantasy tropes (which is pretty much everyone who watches action movies). We as a society have some mental picture of what it's like to meet an alien, even if it hasn't happened yet. Is it better to explore the concept again, or leave it as a sort of suspenson of disbelief like Syme says? Regardless, I think I need to add more emphasis, but I don't want to put too much in and take away from the true intent. Aubrey - thanks for the thoughts on Sam as the starting point. I'll have to think about this more when I do the first major edit. NM - I agree with you on the "ly" adverbs. Yes, some of those will go in the first edit. Also thanks for the show/tell points. I'lll look out for those. If you do care/want to catch up to the rest, send me a PM with your email and I'll send the first 5 chapters. Syme - on convenience, it might help to think of it this way: Sam pops out next to Origon by accident...but the story follows Origon's previous actions up to that accident, thus making him another POV character. But yes, they're both involved with Drains, so maybe that's a little too convenient--that's what you get with a hero's journey Thanks again!

I think pacing-wise this story flows a little better than some of your others. I didn't really find anything wrong with the plotting (except for one place), and the story held some interest in the twists and turns. Overall, it's solid, and I like the ancient Greek setting. A couple of overall issues with the story: on page 5 and 6, Arash's discovery of his powers is a little stilted. I know this is a short story, but it seems a quick transition between "I can't magic this rock" and "hey I can make it lighter and heavier." You do have him develop over time, which is good, but maybe stretch some of the original discovery along that timeline? On page 9, I wasn't convinced by Zenon's theft. How did he steal from a rich man when they're kept as slaves? I assume they are watched fairly closely if they are given body cavity searches every day. So then you tell me he stole from the owner of the mine, who lives at the mine, and I can't believe that all the slaves wouldn't know his face, or at least that a rich man wandering around is probably pretty close to the top of the hierarchy. If I was one of the overseers, I wouldn't let any of the workers near him. Plus, he was seen and they didn't chase after him immediately? I think this is the weakest part of the plot. Page 10 is the first we see of what an argyrant can do. How far away can the silver be and he still affect it? can he still make it heavy enough that far away from his body to embed it in flesh? It's your magic system, of course, but I think the questions are raised because you switch very quickly from making silver heavier and lighter to manipulating weight by orders of magnitude far away from Arash's person. Also, I've got "Coinshot" running through my head--accentuated since Sanderson purposefully didn't use silver as a metal in Mistborn. Giving shocks is different, but the rest does carry a lot of similarity. Last, I notice most of your short stories seem to end badly for the protagonist. Just saying... Overall I liked it, and I think with some cleanup this could be a good short story.

Don't know if this is response from comments or not, but Fen's personality seems different this chapter, more meditative than I would expect from him. It's especially contrasting to his blowup about the imminent war last chapter. It might be because we aren't hearing him speak the first part of the chapter, but only thinking and reminiscing. I do like the poetic connection between the color red, Fen's country, and the war. There's a little bit of an infodump on page 2, and I'm wondering if this information might be better earlier in the story. On the one hand, we now have a good explanation for the invaders last chapter, as the countries seem to be in constant war, or at least contention, with each other. On the other hand, I didn't have a clear picture of this previously, and it might have cleared up some of the court relations to know who was from which kingdom. Shattering the vases seems more in line with Fen's outburst from last chapter, and less with his unsure and quiet personality in the rest of the book. I think Fen needs to be settled a little more as a character. I think the pacing is alright for the setup so far. This chapter is a little on the slow side, as it's mostly setup for what's coming next. Cutting the infodump down or moving the action of the Peasants forward might spice it up a bit.

Here is chapter 6 of The Seeds of Dissolution, following Sam after he goes through the hole in the fireplace of his house. Previously Origon has flown a capsule the Methiemum moon, discovered a strange aberration that defies natural law, and reported back to the ruling members of Methiem and to his friend Rilan, on the Council of the Maji. Sam, living on Earth, escaped a strange energy-sucking coldness, but was unable to save his aunt. I'm looking for the same stuff as usual in feedback...thanks!