Mandamon

I still like your ideas, but this one is even rougher than the prologue. I know you're still writing, but you might consider a once-over for punctuation and spelling. Make sure the first (non dialogue) sentence is stong--it reads rather awkwardly and doesn't have correct grammar. In general, the first part of this section has the same problem as prologue: There's one bite of info, and then a long section of description. Let the description come after you've sucked us in. Your dialogue sounds stilted...it needs more punctuation to control the flow of the speech. Page 4 top sounds a little maid and butler, explaining about bloodmagic in the family. page 5, you stop again for a lengthy discussion of bloodmagic. You need to get me attached to the characters first to care. Mid page 7: You make a point that the witches won't say acknowledge lateness, but one raises an eyebrow to get her displeasure across, and then another makes a snarky comment about starting late. Sounds like they're acknowledging her lateness to me. Page 11: sending Xerress seems like a plot contrivance. Why did the other witches decide to send her? Just because she was late? That seems unlikely, but you've given no other reason why the rest of the witches (who all seem to hate each other equally) ganged up on her. As to Xerress being the villain, I don't get that impression, though I do agree it's too early to be spotlighting a villian as a POV. I may be wrong, but I get the impression that Xerress is the mother of the boys in the first section. I suppose she could become their antagonist, but she's clearly worried about them here. It's going to take a lot a character development to bring them to opposite sides. Great for the story, if it's done correctly!

Sorry for the late posting. I was having trouble figuring out what to say about this. I think these two chapters are the least changed since the original version, but also that these were the strongest chapters previously and not a lot needed to be done. There is a stronger characterization for all three characters this time, which is a plus. I got confused between Dexter and Lance in the past, but now they have distinct personalities. I agree with Eri that the zombie/monsters are not well described. Descriptions of hands are well done, but you mention heads and shoulders (the parts of humans we, as humans, fixate on most) yet say nothing about what they looked like. Are they decomposed? Mannikins? Alive/Dead/Undead? Were these people in the past? Not that you have to answer all these questions now, if that's giving something away... Giving a little description to the rotting flesh of heads rising above the ground, eyeballs hanging, brains showing, etc etc can give a lot more suspense/horror to the situation.

I see that! I'm traveling this weekend, so I may not have as strong a beginning as last year. I hope to correct that soon. I have an outline, but the idea doesn't feel as good as usual, though it has been helped by this thread. I'm a little wary of my ending as well. We shall see by the end of the month! If nothing else, I'll be 50K words closer to that magical million word-goal.

First of all, welcome! It's great to see another aspiring writer. I'm going to give a little more detailed feedback, just because that's what I saw. Although, I agree with the others in that you should finish writing before doing a lot of editing. So take our feedback and store it away until you are near the end of writing the first draft. Then take it out and apply it. Here goes... Overall, the writing is good, but I'm not sure about the format. It's definitely a prologue, but not the type I really enjoy--not saying anthing about the story, which I might find fascinating, but having to read this before turns me off. This seems to all be backstory that can be incorporated into the text of your story. The prologue is, in format, a long pull out view. There is no dialogue to break it up, and some of those paragraphs are long! It makes it into a long read for not much information. Further, Kirrin only learns secondhand of the method of defeat of the hordes of Scadrons, which is the entire point of the prologue. Put your recorder where the action is. If you want this to still be a stand-along prologue, have Kirrin fighting alongside the heroic Kaliban, seeing as he takes down the evil Mardrade with lots of pithy dialogue and descriptions... You could still make this an exciting prologue and get your point across without having 13 pages of plain description. Alternately, you could take the information here and intersperse it through the story. Sometimes leaving bits of the backstory until later adds more suspense to the rest of the story: "Why are they called the Bloodlands, anyway?" Oh right, he answered that in the first 10 pages. Nitpicky things: page 3 top - "Unending for three days..." Not really unending, then? Page 3 middle: "In his hands, he held a crude mace. The leg bone of some great animal held in a clenched fist. " The flow of the story makes me think you're still referring to the lieutenant, but you're talking about the Scardron. Page 5 bottom: "A Barbaric race all in all. They fought in oddly numbered war-bands, ranging from ten to a hundred men. They were beating the Scardrons back, but slowly. The Scardrons were almost as exhausted as the humans were but like their adversities they fought on." Same sort of thing. Who fights in bands? I assume the Scardrons, but it could be either the way your sentences are set up. Page 11: "Kirrin later learned what had happened..." This tells me Kirrin is not really the focus, which makes me less likely to read even more pages of description about him. Page 11: "I was there: I saw what happened. A dozen variations of the duel. Many insisted " -jarring. This has been in third person description, and then suddenly you throw "I" in there. You have a good writing style, which goes a long way in itself to having a good story. I think your concept is also good. It needs some editing, but that comes later. Keep writing!

I'm also going to try to at least be concious of the scene/sequel format while writing. These tips have been very helpful, and I think made my outline a lot better to start with. Hopefully that means less editing afterward... Good to luck to all participating in NaNoWriMo! If anyone wants to do the official buddy thing on the NaNoWriMo website, I'm willing to participate.

I got confused at first by the pairing of Kennara and Inahken, and Kennehl and Beloken. Now that I see them side by side, I understand a pattern in naming with the "Ken" tribe, but reading it straight, I was completely confused as to who was with who and which were male. I'll agree the theological discussion seems superficial, very much a "drink the kool-aid" sort of cult. Of course, the appearance of a "supposed" Bezalel would put an end to the theology conflict if he were real. But that Beloken immediatly denounces him as a fraud leads me to believe these people can think for themselves. If that's the case, then you need to shore up their religion/beliefs so that it's not just a strawman argument. If these people are only getting one or two chapters in the book, I'd think about using more time to flesh out their beliefs, or replacing them with another character we know to show off Bezalel.

I have to agree with the others about Molly. She's better than she was before, and the tie-in with the cat and exercises are better this time around for not taking an entire chapter, but she's still just...dull. I find myself reading through her part faster to get to the others. Maybe this is because all the others have some obvious flaw and she doesn't? Maybe it's that she's doing ordinary things competently, rather than extraordinary things competently (you describe the exercises as hard, but there's no real descriptions to indicate this is so) or ordinary things incompetently. I remember she was described as very short the first time around. Is that still in the story? Keeping it in, along with some reason for it, might give her some more interest. For example. Tyrion (Game of Thrones) is a dwarf and a pain in the chull, but you love him because he's looked down on by everyone and still wins. If he was regular size and still a pain, he's be much less loveable. I do like Dexter more this time around, though the relationship with Kat is unclear, especially since Molly is forbidding relationships. I do like the ending of the chapter better--it seems very natural. The slang/worldbuilding (spacewaste, and I think another one in a previous chapter) is still a little confusing. I get the idea people have absorbed foreign words, but otherwise this is a low-tech society?

Yes, I think it's going to be Man vs. Self, if only because I can't come up with a believable villain. I also want to challenge myself to make a story fully character-driven. I tend to drift to plot-driven. Yeah, that might be more accurate... I like that. Ties in with his personality well. I want to make his mutations potentially dangerous to him and others, to ramp up the Man vs. Self aspect, a la John Cleaver having to stop himself from harming others. How about this--his skin excretes acid instead of sweat, and he keeps dissolving things he's sitting on and using (like his chair and clothes)?

I finally finished editing my last book (which is in the Writing Group Dropbox folder under The Best Kind of Present - rewrite 1, if anyone wants to take a look), so now I can concentrate on revving up for NaNoWriMo. Here's my everything... Story Skeleton (updated) When hormonal surges start causing temporary changes and powers instead of just acne, one teenager uses his new powers to fit in at school. But when a pattern to his powers turns dangerous, will he succeed in saving himself and his hometown? Character: Allen Merszywyzk a. Exaggeration: ultra dorky, unpronounceable last name (“It’s Polish”). b. Exotic position: his hormones cause weird changes instead of acne. c. Introduction: Grows something physically unattractive (giant gross skin wings) d. Empathy: can't help that he has giant wings. It's hard for him to do simple things. e. Tags: long messy hair, dyed black, pale, NOT goth! f. Traits: wears black, clothes are messy, shoelaces get untied The Great Swampy Middle: BEGINNING: Allen wakes up with wings. Not angelic feathery wings (which might be embarrassing), or leathery demon wings (which might be cool), but pink, skin-toned expanses of skin held together with creaking bones and muscles. They were disgusting. Just like every other mutation he has. Why wasn’t it ever just a zit? Despite his social standing somewhere near pond scum, this will actually make him less popular. END: Allen lands a date with the most beautiful girl in the school, the new head cheerleader, after confronting the person responsible for the mutations and getting the cure. Only, after the cure takes affect, he finds the girl's mutation was to become strikingly beautiful instead of having acne. She wasn’t a new girl as everyone thought, but the nerdy girl no one payed attention to. She reinvented herself to take advantage of her new looks. Now he finds she likes the same comics he does and laughs at the same nerdy jokes. MIDDLE: Allen gets into a fight with Steve Bellik, the school bully, and the hormonal surges cause Allen to start burning—a human torch. He gets out of the school, but not before most of the school is destroyed. Steve is in the hospital for major burns, as are several other students, including, the new girl; the most stunning girl in the whole school. She even talked to Allen twice! This is too much—he can’t live like this for the next five years, or whenever his hormones calm down, and he sneaks out of his house to investigate why all the teenagers are having strange reactions instead of acne. (I had these scene/sequels combined into one, but as I wrote them out, they seemed like two sets.) First scene: 1) POV – Allen Merszywyzk 2) Goal: Get to School. 3) Conflict: (Self) He woke up with wings—everyone will laugh at him (more than usual). 4) Resolution: Yes, but: He finally figures out how to get a shirt on, but by that time he is late for school and has to skip breakfast. First Sequel: 1) Emotional Reaction: Great, I thought. Why couldn't it have just been a giant zit on my nose? Why do I always get the most disgusting changes? 2) Review, Logic, & Reason: Can’t stand around feeling sorry for myself. I’m already late. 3) Anticipation: Can I get on the bus? 4) Choice: Go for it. Second Scene: 1) POV – Allen 2) Goal: Get on the bus 3) Conflict: Has an embarrassingly hard time getting on the bus. He's teased by Steve Bellik-the football jock/bully-and his cronies, once he forces his way onto the bus. Steve has perfect hair today. Yesterday his teeth were blindingly white. Allen get wings, Steve gets a thousand dollar haircut. There is no justice. 4) Resolution: Yes, but: Allen gets to school, but his wings keep popping up (along with other things) and getting in the way when girls look at him and finally the teacher sends him home early. Second Sequel: 1) Emotional Reaction: Why do I have reactions that are so disgusting and awful? Everyone hates me. Why can’t I have reactions like Steve? 2) Review, Logic, & Reason: If I had a reaction like Steve I’d be like Steve. Do I want that? No. I don’t want to be some football jock with white teeth—no one would notice me beside him. Of course the notice today was not the best. 3) Anticipation: How can I make other people see the cool guy I really am? 4) Choice: I’m going to take control of these reactions. I’m not going to let them get the best of me.

Glad to see Alberic active. This also helps round out how the recent crime wave is affecting the city. Some nits: page 3/25: "Despite behind head of the guards, Alberic was not." Confusing, until I realized it referenced the previous paragraph. I assume behind => being. Also confused further down the page: "It was possible; it had happened before. It was Lord Dominik’s father, though." what was Lord Dominik’s father? Page 6/28: “By them back?” = “Buy them back?” More confusion: "I will offer a pardon — for just one many, and not for the original thief." Aside from some typos and rough edits, this version is much better. It ties in a lot better with the crystals being stolen the chapter before, and you show the conflict between what Alberic wants to do about thieves in the city, and what is allowed. I remembered before I wasn't sure why thieving was a big issue. Now it's explained. I like that Alberic's personality is pretty much the same, but you've taken out his exuberance in skipping and hopping around. He seemed more like a top in the previous version. Now we get the excitement and restlessness, but with a minimum of outbursts--it's mostly contained internally. I'll even accept him skipping a few steps at the end of the chapter ;-) I think this sets up Alberic to be the antagonist of the thieves very well. I'm getting a better feeling of the worldbuilding this version, but it's still shaky. Is it apocalyptic Earth? alternate Earth? It seems like a medieval-ish society in government, trending toward the Victorian in society.

I generally buy books on recommendation, and if I run across one in the wild, by the cover art and design at first glance and blurb on the back for a second opinion. Pretending I were reading down the names of all these books in a bookshop, here's the ones that caught my eye: Trizee The Winter Wars A Hope for Stone Foundation Sentence Earth and Steel (but not steelwar/ Goldsteel) Facial Paradoxes (sounds cool) Stroniax Paradox Flint (I tend to be with everyone else on the XX and YYY, but I can be a sucker for a good name. I like Paradox Flint, but not the other ones. I can give or take dragons. If I see a mega-sequence like that all together, I would be wary. I have a lot of good books to read a not a lot of time to devote to a large series unless it's really good.) The LordSteel Corporation (it sounds like fantasy/corporate blended together, which seems interesting) Age to Age, We Fall (awesome name) Magicians Death Silk Passage to Zero Cobwebs and Silhouettes Fall Stars Fall Guenhywvar Intertwined death Equilibrium (I would pick it up because I liked the movie...) The traveler (I've read two other books with names along these lines and I liked them) Symbiotic communication The silent Shadows TheSadDragon Broken Circle A Flickering Light The Giant of Tyrel Swords of the Order akoebel The Fifth Compendium The Emerald Shower (I would to pick this up to see where the name came from) And here's mine... The Seeds of Dissolution The Best Kind of Present Short Stories Dreams of Dust Wish Hunting Reverie and Nocturne Escapade of Silence Remembrance of Past, Expectation of Future Cycle of Rebirth (Tentative compilation title of the above) I have three future works muddling around in my head (tentative and unformed titles...): Conjunction Physical Magic Allen's Bad luck (for NaNo 2012)

I'm working on it! I "finished" writing my first book in 2009, submitted to several agents, and got all rejections. I cleaned it up for the Amazon breakthrough contest, and didn't get past the first round. Started cleaning it up again, and found Writing Excuses, and realized all the things I had done wrong. After that I started writing a series of short stories (the first of which is Dreams of Dust), which I haven't submitted anywhere. Then I wrote The Best Kind of Present for NaNoWriMo in 2011, submitted it to Amazon Breakthrough and got to the second round... Also submitted it to agents, got back some helpful hints, and then started with this writing group. Hopefully this will help me tone my writing enough to get accepted by agents.

I didn't notice anything particularly wrong in execution with these chapters--Caleb got most of the nitpicky things with viewpoint that caught my attention. I don't think I've ever had an issue with your writing, aside from an occasinal misplaced comma or something small. Most of my issues are with overall plot and sequence. I was also confused by the rallying/rioting. I first thought they were rallying against the shifter, but then remembered that there had been an invasion with soldiers recently. I guess I'm not sure where each part ended up. Did Hemlock and Black Rose come in at the end of the invasion? Isn't the town still fighting off the soldiers? I think there needs to be some more explanation of how the town is laid out with respect to where each group is. I also agree with Caleb's assessment of Sericea. I almost cheered when she finally got killed off, and now Rosalin is bringing her back up again and wanting to avenge her. I can understand that from Rosalin's point of view, but I still really dislike Sericea's character. It's not clear whether you meant this character to be a mentor or a bad influence. Maybe some character tweaks are in order? Is her character even needed? Could that relationship be filled by meeting Dais earlier? Finally, at the risk of being repetitive, since I've brought this up several times, I think the plotting may be off. Caleb felt like things were wrapping up. I get that feeling too, but I'm still unsure of how the magic system works and why all these people are fighting. The writing and story are good, but it feels like there's a big hole somewhere in the story where all the backstory has been cut out. Things I want to know: 1) How do the paths work/what are they/how many are there and what is the connection between a Pathfinder and the Shifters? 2) What is the reason for the war? 3) Why are the Shifters so feared? I've been told they almost took over the region, but I haven't seen anything impressive yet that a large magical wolf couldn't do. 4) Who is Rosen, where did he come from, and what is the connection to Amaryllis? 5) How did Rosalin and Rosen merge? It seems to be a physical and mental merge, but I'm unclear. 6) What is the relation between Rosalin's home and the "real" world that everyone else lives in? (This at least is stated as an objective of the story by Rosalin) 7) Where is Dais' father and why is he important (aside from being a father.)? I feel like I should put this one in since you've put so much time in on it, but it really isn't a major plot point for me. I know some of these may be spoiler-y, but I'm just listing the main questions that came up as I've read. Just as a side note--I think my favorite characters are Black Rose and Rosen. I'm sad that Rosen isn't in the story more. So we've seen 21 chapters so far. How far through the book are we? Is this intended to be stand-alone, or a series? Without giving anything away, can you tell us what part of those questions above are answered in this book?

This was pretty good, overall. The concept drew me in, and you included enough history and worldbuilding to get my attention without infodumping too much. However, I have to say the writing itself is pretty raw. There are a lot of comma and apostrophe errors, one POV error, and it chops up the writing enough that it's hard to read. All these are technical things that can be fixed, so keep working on the story--I want to see more! (And as I see more, I can give you a better opinion on what I think of the story as a whole...) More precise examples: There were lots of commas that grammatically need to be periods or semicolons. For example Goes to- "His voice hushed, too quiet to be heard by the rest of the guard moving into position. Not all approved of Padricks love of words." The POV error was at the end of pg1. You are looking from Hadera's POV, and then go to Thomas at the beginning of pg 2 Minor note, There was a page and a half of talking, then a page and a half of exposition. Both parts were good, but a little too long on each "subject." The Writing Excuses crowd talks about this sometimes in how your prose should flow. Try to interweave the two a little more. On page 4, there were lots of commas and apostrophes missing: and so on. I'm looking forward to what happens to those who come through the gate, and why it's there in the first place!

Yep, Caleb hit everything. Pretty much point for point what I wrote down. I'm going to go farther on the computer code and say strongly to nix it now. I understand code, though I'm not a programmer, and my eyes instantly glazed over when I saw it. I didn't even try to read it until I saw you had made it integral to the plot, and then I slogged through it just to understand what was happening. To wit: Stephen Hawking notes in "A Brief History of Time" that an editor told him every equation he includes will halve his readers, so he only put in one--in a book about astrophysics. Now realize that more people understand equations than do computer code... I'll leave it at that. I think the characters of Panther and Valcar are worth developing, but I think the story itself needs some more work. Here are the things that popped into my head while reading. You may answer them later, but not knowing now left me confused: Why are Panther and Valcar traveling on this ship? They were living on Earth--why travel now? Pather is mostly reacting to events that unfold, and there as yet isn't any driving force to the story to attract my attention, just some fighting on a ship. Who are hijackers and why are the hijacking?

I agree. It's easy for me to spit out that story skeleton for an existing book, because I can capture what's there. If you look at Butchers skeleton for Storm Front, it's pretty similar in complexity. On the NaNo one, it doesn't have a clear goal yet because I literally came up with the idea that day (from a combination of Alcatraz and the Katie Ka-Boom shorts in Animaniacs...). I think going through these exercises will help me find the goal of the story versus the starting situation. The character homework (especially tags and traits) has already helped me out.

Okay, I'm late, but I'll submit something for partial credit for last week. I'll try to get my next homework in on time... Current project: When Isaac and his mother escape from the mob who murdered his father, they leave in the time machine he invented to try to bring him back to life. But will they succeed when the changes they make set Isaac's father's tyrannical doppleganger against them, in his very own time machine? NaNo 2012 When hormonal surges start causing temporary changes and powers instead of just acne, one teenager discovers the pattern, and starts using them to his advantage. But will he succeed when the real originators of the changes take notice? Other options (my first book): When Sam accidently sends himself to an artifical alien planet after his house is destroyed by a void of energy, he is set on a path to both reclaim his home and discover his new magical talents. But will he succeed in his war against the voids, the league of Maji who create them, and the dissolution of the entire universe?

I think this story the best I've seen from you so far. The plot was cohesive, and Grant achieved what he set out to do. I also thought Caleb's mother was a little scattered, but I guess that does come with the social worker aspect. You might include a one liner to explain that to those who haven't dealt with social workers before. I tend to cringe when an author cites another fantasy/Sci-Fi work in their own. It cuts down on the audience that can read it and understand it. Harry Potter might be grasped by most people, but I wouldn't reference the Dresden files. We've all probably read it here, but your mainstream reader will have no idea what you're talking about. The reference to urban fantasy will probably go over a lot of people's heads too. The only place I felt the story got a little loose was at the end, from page 11 on. I did like the end, and understood the intent, but got lost a little once you started throwing magic around. I think there were some lapses in description, or explanation for why things worked. Why did Grant turn into a dragon? How did killing Caleb in the mirror universe transfer him home safely? Why does crossing his eyes to make two images of something freeze it in place? I know this is a short story, but that just means that every word has to count twice for explaining to the reader what's going on. Before you submit it, make your writing as efficient as it can be, where every phrase furthers the plot and character and/or explains the magic. I think this will be really good in the final version. Good luck with Writers of the Future!

I think we should combine these posts, but I would like some sort of notification at least in the RE board, as I don't venture out into the main forum that often. I'm planning to submit to the Leading Edge contest based on the information posted, so it's certainly useful.

This was much better than the prologue. I would even say the writing style has matured. I'll second Penance's comments on giggling/guffawing and the infodump with King Azymulff. pg 3 forward. Lord Aken's insults seem almost juvenile and he insults anyone who comes near. I get that's he's drunk and probably inbred nobility, but maybe make this a little more subtle? pg 10 You said two pages previously that Elad was pensive and no one had seen him in a rage, yet he loses patience and strikes first. Seems like Adiel would be more likely to do that. Elad also is the one to propose the fight and loses, despite taking the prize every year in the swordsman's tournament. Doesn't seem very pensive to me... To follow up on what Mindie said, It'a little too obvious that the duel is just a cover for you to explain Fen and Loriyya's relationship. I think it can still work, just balance the two sides out a little more. Overall much better than the prologue. The characters feel more real and I'm interested to see where they go from here. I would also like to see Loriyya develop as a person. I would get rid of the prologue entirely and use this as the beginning of the story. Fen is much more likeable than Link, and you pretty much explain everything that happened anyway. In fact, the reader now has the image of the sort of noble, or at least strong, bandit with the shining sword, and you can plop into Link's perspective to give a personality shock to the reader.

Welcome to Reading Excuses! I'm with you all the way on using Writing Excuses to learn how to write. I finished my first book, listened to my first podcast (5.13: Writing the Second Book, still one of my favorites), thought, Oh no! I'm doing ALL those things wrong!, and sat down to rewrite. On to the criticism... Page 1: The first paragraph is a mouthful--I almost lost interest there. Cut it down and get into the story quickly. A suggestion: have Plous interject or think something after the first sentence, then carry on. Page 2: The dialogue sounds sort of artificial, like you are trying to explain things. Let it come out naturally. For example, have Makaur drinking a cup of blood as he talks, rather than telling that he drinks blood. Show us what a katae is with a few simple descriptions so that we know to fear him early on. Some nitpicky things: Blackmail - one word non-descript - Hyphenated Page 4: did he wipe the blood off the sword cane? I don't really know anything about sword fighting and still that bothered me. Blood will corrode the blade. If he doesn't wipe it off for some reason, tell why. Overall it's intriguing, although I've seen the "basically good guy in thrall to a malevolent power" done before. It seems like your opening hook is that Plous is finding his replacement, who will be something special (or that's what I imagine I've been promised in the writing). I may be over analyzing, but this could almost be a prologue to introduce the awesome character of Plous' replacement, depending on who's your main character... Plous' character was good. I immediately got that he was helpless, but still a strong person underneath. Makaur was a little one dimensional and over-dramatic, but then, he's a demon. Sort of comes with the territory. Keep writing!

I like this version a lot more--the story gets to the point faster, and (from what I remember) you've combined the first 3 or 4 chapters into one. Your worldbuilding seems more concrete this time too. I get the feeling of our world, possibly after some alien contact/invasion. In any case, post catastrophe. Much better this time around! But... Overall there is still a lot of excess words. I think you could still cut a bit without damaging the storyline. It would make it a lot snappier and easier to read. I'm putting this under the "descriptions" category, but I don't think it's only descriptions. The dialogue can get long in places. Specific places: It feels like a long time that they stumble around in the warehouse, but it's really only two and a half pages. Dexter and Jorah's argument. I like what it shows of the characters, but it bogs down in the middle of the scene. I can't quite put my finger on it, but maybe it's too much description in one block. or sentences that are too long. Maybe try the Niven/Pournell trick of a 10% cut in content (as an experiment) and see what you end up with. Finish writing the book before you do that, though. Getting better! The hook is a lot clearer here. The fact that Jorah finds the bag on page 8 rather than 30 or so in the last version starts the tension much earlier. I'm curious to see more of this rewrite...

Yeah, ok. I'll go ahead and put it out there that I never even considered them just going back a day. One of those problems where I'm so involved in the plot that I don't see the easy answer. Of course, that's what writing groups are for... I could make a valid argument for why they don't go back, and there are some reasons stated in the book why the best bet is to zoom off in the time machine. But, this also gave me a good idea on how to both keep the tension going at the beginning of the story and to answer this "small" plot hole (which tends to unravel the whole book...). Off to rework. I'll post the change when I get done, and then if there aren't any other giant problems that negate my premise, hopefully continue on with the story ;-)

I did Nano for the first time last year with my wife. In fact, that's where The Best Kind of Present comes from! My wife wrote her first book as well. I didn't write any text beforehand, but I did create an entire outline and do research on the historical people, knowing I wouldn't have time while writing. Thoughts from last year: I like the concept, and it really gets you into the habit of writing each day (which I've tried to keep up, even if not 1600 words). However, what comes out of it needs to be seriously edited to come close to something worthwhile, so that makes me sad. This year, I don't think I will do something completely new, but rather, use the contest to make myself re-write my first book, which I've been putting off for a while. It had some major problems, and now I have the whole outline, with changes, in my head, but I'm not sure I'm good enough to do it justice yet. Nano will let me just write without worrying, and then later I can come back and edit. Doing it with a group really helps. My wife and I would compare notes each day to find out how many words we could finish by the end of the month. I'm certainly up for posting results or something on this forum as well. There's also a friend function on the NaNoWriMo website that lets you track others' progress.

This is another good chapter and I don't have any problems with the plot or pacing. There's some good action and it keeps my attention. I think the main problem I saw was the same confusion Trizee had (and I have read the rest of this ;-). You've showed some good action with the magic system by now, but I'm still not very sure what it is and how it works. This is apparent in the scene where Black Rose uses the Path of Darkness. I couldn't figure out why putting darkness in front of Black Rose's eyes would convince others she was stumbling. So far I've seen the Paths of Fire, Earth, Light, and Darkness, and maybe a few others in the prologue. I've seen stone skin, moving earth, throwing fire, and doing things with darkness and light. It feels like you have a system in place, but I'm not sure what it is. It's far enough in the book that it's starting to annoy me when I read that I don't understand why these things are happening. Now, I don't think you should derail the good action and tension you have in here to make a big explanation, but maybe add a few choice phrases here and there when Black Rose is throwing magic around. Give us a hint of the worldbuilding behind it. I have the same problem with the Shifters, in that you say that they are weaker than they were before, but we don't have anything to compare to. I can see how much weaker Black Rose is compared to the prologue. Describe that same comparison for Hemlock.