Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[Szeth Pancakes he/they]

On 8/9/2023 at 5:28 AM, The Sibling said:

 @Szeth_Pancakes? You going to write your roast?

Completely forgot about this

you still want to do this?

[The Sibling she/her]

8 hours ago, Szeth_Pancakes said:

you still want to do this?

I mean, sure!

[Guest Ψιτιsτηε Βεsτ]

I am waiting too…

[Archer he/him]

Cosmere Character Roast Battles: The Reboot 

Grab a pen and a page 
And sweep off the stage 
Flick on the spotlights
Let’s book some new fights
They’ll be lots of news voices
The crowd makes their choices 
Expect more rhyme than reason 
As we start the new season
It’s first come, first served
For this battle of words
So call out your name
And sign up for the game!

I miss this tournament, let's bring it back. Exact contest rules and timeline will be decided based on the number of sign-ups, but I’m hoping to play a format where everyone gets to participate at least twice, and we follow a schedule that is both writer and viewer-friendly, starting next week-ish.   

 

[TwinStorm He/Him]

Put me down as the Lord Mistborn himself, Spook

[KaladinsSenseOfHumourSpren He/Him]

Hmmm....

Ati or Vasher...

I'm going Ati.

[SpartanBrigade He/Him]

I'll go with Kelsier

[Archer he/him]

Welcome, my Scadrian friends!

The fight begins when I say when

For this 1 v 1 v 1, here's the listing:

First is Spook, the tineye misting

Next Kelsier, like father and son

Then Ati joins to Ruin their fun

The match is every man for himself

Today's winner will increase their wealth

When do we begin, I hear you ask

Your time starts now to complete your task

Edited August 17, 2025 by Archer

[Aeoryi she/her]

10 minutes ago, Archer said:

Welcome, my Scadrian friends!

The fight begins when I say when

For this 1 v 1 v 1, here's the listing:

First is Spook, the tineye misting

Next Kelsier, like father and son

Then Ati joins to Ruin their fun

The match is every man for himself

Today's winner will increase their wealth

When do we begin, I hear you ask

Your time starts now to complete your task

Archer!!!!

[Hoid Slayer He/Him]

16 minutes ago, Archer said:

Welcome, my Scadrian friends!

The fight begins when I say when

For this 1 v 1 v 1, here's the listing:

First is Spook, the tineye misting

Next Kelsier, like father and son

Then Ati joins to Ruin their fun

The match is every man for himself

Today's winner will increase their wealth

When do we begin, I hear you ask

Your time starts now to complete your task

May the High Emperor, Elend Venture, joint this competition?

I noticed there are only three participants so far when tradition dictates four

[KaladinsSenseOfHumourSpren He/Him]

2 hours ago, Archer said:

Welcome, my Scadrian friends!

The fight begins when I say when

For this 1 v 1 v 1, here's the listing:

First is Spook, the tineye misting

Next Kelsier, like father and son

Then Ati joins to Ruin their fun

The match is every man for himself

Today's winner will increase their wealth

When do we begin, I hear you ask

Your time starts now to complete your task

Wait so we're starting?

[TwinStorm He/Him]

shoot

I gotta write something

give me a day or two pls

[Archer he/him]

10 hours ago, Aeoryi said:

Archer!!!!

hi! 

10 hours ago, Hoid Slayer said:

May the High Emperor, Elend Venture, joint this competition?

I noticed there are only three participants so far when tradition dictates four

sure, if you make a dramatic entrance 

7 hours ago, KaladinsSenseOfHumorSpren said:

Wait so we're starting?

Correct! 

7 hours ago, TwinStorm said:

shoot

I gotta write something

give me a day or two pls

Couple of days feels reasonable. It's best when everyone posts at a similar time, so we'll shoot for loose coordination 

 

This round begins with contestants three, 

But a surprise fourth might appear, à la WWE

Stay tuned! 

[KaladinsSenseOfHumourSpren He/Him]

Uhh...

Is it too late to swap to Marsh?

I don't feel like I know enough about Ati.

Also I feel like we should create a new thread for this

Edited August 19, 2025 by KaladinsSenseOfHumorSpren

[Archer he/him]

14 hours ago, KaladinsSenseOfHumorSpren said:

Uhh...

Is it too late to swap to Marsh?

I don't feel like I know enough about Ati.

Also I feel like we should create a new thread for this

Nah, we've had ten tournaments in this thread, 

The necro already happened, making it undead. 

I'll allow a joint team of Ati and Marsh, 

Switching out entirely would make this a farce. 

[KaladinsSenseOfHumourSpren He/Him]

3 minutes ago, Archer said:

Nah, we've had ten tournaments in this thread, 

The necro already happened, making it undead. 

I'll allow a joint team of Ati and Marsh, 

Switching out entirely would make this a farce. 

Ruin and Death

Destroy all the rest

Saved the cosmere time and time again

Resisted the Intent

[Vielence She/Her]

Ok so i absolutely cannot rap but I did want to say that this is AMAZING. 

[SpartanBrigade He/Him]

20 hours ago, KaladinsSenseOfHumorSpren said:

Ruin and Death

Destroy all the rest

Saved the cosmere time and time again

Resisted the Intent

Spoiler

Uh... weren't you after me?

 

[KaladinsSenseOfHumourSpren He/Him]

7 hours ago, SpartanBrigade said:

  Hide contents

Uh... weren't you after me?

 

...

WaT?

I haven't actually started yet

Just warming up

[TwinStorm He/Him]

imma gonna have to drop out im afraid

very sick and no energy

sowy

[Hoid Slayer He/Him]

1 hour ago, TwinStorm said:

imma gonna have to drop out im afraid

very sick and no energy

sowy

*squeeze*

Hope you feel better soon!

*crunches knuckles*

It’s just me, the Dead Survivor, and the Destroyed god of Ruin now

Make the first move

[KaladinsSenseOfHumourSpren He/Him]

Uhhh

Your move, @SpartanBrigade

[Hoid Slayer He/Him]

Elend Venture vs Kelsier

Spoiler

As the crowd awaits the beginning of the contest, a sudden hush settles over them. The clatter of a silver coin, spinning on the floor, rings louder than a million horns in the silence. And then, suddenly, a massive whoosh breaks the quiet, as a man, robes billowing, crown gleaming, falls from the sky and lands in the middle of the crowd. The people part, whispering, as he confidently strolls to the podium and ascends it. For a second, all is silent. Then the man nods, and the announcer's voice booms.

 

High Emperor Eleeeeeend Venture!

 

Hey, hey, hey

Sorry if my entrance was a little abrupt, 

But such a gathering of fools, I had to show up

I mean, come on, could I truly miss out

On a meeting of the Cosmere's two dumbest louts?

 

Elend stands back as the crowd goes crazy. Smirking, he steps back up to the podium.

 

Let's begin with Kelsier,

What to say?

You and I, we were never on good terms

 

But I guess the lion never does like the worm

 

A man so ambitious, you became your own monster

So blinded by rage, you let your greatest foe enter

Always the hypocrite, even at your apex

Rashek's not the only one with a god complex

So pathetic, even your own wife could see it

Oh, I'm sorry, did you really think she gave a little **it?

 

Crowd audibly cringes. Elend is only further invigorated. He speaks with passion.

 

All you did was die, Ha! thought that would matter

Guess what, old man, living is harder

While you left us in a worst state than we had begun,

I put the world back together, I did what had to be done

Even scarred your own daughter, that should sound an alarm

But don't worry, Kel, she's safe in my arms

 

*wink*

 

The world knows who you are now, everybody can see

Hypocrite, psychopath, murderer, wannabe

So come on, do us all a favor and begone

Go to rot in the pits where you belong

 

Hush settles over the crowd. Elend smirks, and whispers.

 

Go on now

Keep on running

@KaladinsSenseOfHumorSpren@SpartanBrigade

Edited August 25, 2025 by Hoid Slayer
Edited to add pins

[KaladinsSenseOfHumourSpren He/Him]

9 minutes ago, Hoid Slayer said:

Elend Venture vs Kelsier

  Hide contents

As the crowd awaits the beginning of the contest, a sudden hush settles over them. The clatter of a silver coin, spinning on the floor, rings louder than a million horns in the silence. And then, suddenly, a massive whoosh breaks the quiet, as a man, robes billowing, crown gleaming, falls from the sky and lands in the middle of the crowd. The people part, whispering, as he confidently strolls to the podium and ascends it. For a second, all is silent. Then the man nods, and the announcer's voice booms.

 

High Emperor Eleeeeeend Venture!

 

Hey, hey, hey

Sorry if my entrance was a little abrupt, 

But such a gathering of fools, I had to show up

I mean, come on, could I truly miss out

On a meeting of the Cosmere's two dumbest louts?

 

Elend stands back as the crowd goes crazy. Smirking, he steps back up to the podium.

 

Let's begin with Kelsier,

What to say?

You and I, we were never on good terms

 

But I guess the lion never does like the worm

 

A man so ambitious, you became your own monster

So blinded by rage, you let your greatest foe enter

Always the hypocrite, even at your apex

Rashek's not the only one with a god complex

So pathetic, even your own wife could see it

Oh, I'm sorry, did you really think she gave a little **it?

 

Crowd audibly cringes. Elend is only further invigorated. He speaks with passion.

 

All you did was die, Ha! thought that would matter

Guess what, old man, living is harder

While you left us in a worst state than we had begun,

I put the world back together, I did what had to be done

Even scarred your own daughter, that should sound an alarm

But don't worry, Kel, she's safe in my arms

 

*wink*

 

The world knows who you are now, everybody can see

Hypocrite, psychopath, murderer, wannabe

So come on, do us all a favor and begone

Go to rot in the pits where you belong

 

Hush settles over the crowd. Elend smirks, and whispers.

 

Go on now

Keep on running

@KaladinsSenseOfHumorSpren@SpartanBrigade

Quote

I'll do something in a few hours.

Can't right now.

 

[SpartanBrigade He/Him]

13 hours ago, Hoid Slayer said:

Elend Venture vs Kelsier

  Reveal hidden contents

As the crowd awaits the beginning of the contest, a sudden hush settles over them. The clatter of a silver coin, spinning on the floor, rings louder than a million horns in the silence. And then, suddenly, a massive whoosh breaks the quiet, as a man, robes billowing, crown gleaming, falls from the sky and lands in the middle of the crowd. The people part, whispering, as he confidently strolls to the podium and ascends it. For a second, all is silent. Then the man nods, and the announcer's voice booms.

 

High Emperor Eleeeeeend Venture!

 

Hey, hey, hey

Sorry if my entrance was a little abrupt, 

But such a gathering of fools, I had to show up

I mean, come on, could I truly miss out

On a meeting of the Cosmere's two dumbest louts?

 

Elend stands back as the crowd goes crazy. Smirking, he steps back up to the podium.

 

Let's begin with Kelsier,

What to say?

You and I, we were never on good terms

 

But I guess the lion never does like the worm

 

A man so ambitious, you became your own monster

So blinded by rage, you let your greatest foe enter

Always the hypocrite, even at your apex

Rashek's not the only one with a god complex

So pathetic, even your own wife could see it

Oh, I'm sorry, did you really think she gave a little **it?

 

Crowd audibly cringes. Elend is only further invigorated. He speaks with passion.

 

All you did was die, Ha! thought that would matter

Guess what, old man, living is harder

While you left us in a worst state than we had begun,

I put the world back together, I did what had to be done

Even scarred your own daughter, that should sound an alarm

But don't worry, Kel, she's safe in my arms

 

*wink*

 

The world knows who you are now, everybody can see

Hypocrite, psychopath, murderer, wannabe

So come on, do us all a favor and begone

Go to rot in the pits where you belong

 

Hush settles over the crowd. Elend smirks, and whispers.

 

Go on now

Keep on running

@KaladinsSenseOfHumorSpren@SpartanBrigade

Spoiler

Kelsier swaggers into the room with a grin, spreading his arms wide

Elend the bookworm, sitting high in your tower
You stood by and watched as skaa were stripped of power
You quote laws and theories, but I lived the pain
Scars on my arms tell the truth in the flame

You read of rebellion, I wrote it in blood
Turned peasants into soldiers, raised hope from the mud
I don’t sip wine in towers I fight in the ash
Where were you during Luthadel’s clash?

Rebuilt the world? No, you played emperor for a while
Your reign was nothing but a failed trial
You raised your empire with the bones of my friends
Their blood brought you to power, don’t you dare pretend

Couldn’t stand against your father, knelt to his will
I rose from the Pit, I’m rising still
You really think your people admire you?
Look around, you’re nothing without my daughter beside you
 

I’m the spark in the mists
The faith in their eyes
The face that lives though the body still dies
 

I let you live Elend, or don’t you recall?
Without my mercy you wouldn’t be here at all
While you cowered behind your walls trying to stall
I brought empires to their knees, I make gods fall

Crowd goes wild

 

Edited August 25, 2025 by SpartanBrigade