Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[DramaQueen]

I am out of practice and it has been quite some time since I've read Warbreaker, so we'll see how this goes

May the best roaster win!

[Channelknight Fadran]

well schnapplesauce

oops

[The Paradoxical Phenomenon]

@SymphonianBookworm, @yeshevishman, @DramaQueen, y’all have 24 hours to submit your raps!

Edited June 16, 2023 by TheAlpha929

[DramaQueen]

Oh gosh, I had no time today and I won't have any time tomorrow, could we extend a day or two?

Edit: on second thought I may be able to swing this. But if I'm not submitted by the deadline tomorrow, I promise I will be by that time on Saturday.

Edited June 16, 2023 by DramaQueen

[The Paradoxical Phenomenon]

9 hours ago, DramaQueen said:

Oh gosh, I had no time today and I won't have any time tomorrow, could we extend a day or two?

Edit: on second thought I may be able to swing this. But if I'm not submitted by the deadline tomorrow, I promise I will be by that time on Saturday.

Well, I’m nice (), so if you absolutely cannot submit it today, we can extend it one day. Do your best to get it in today, of course, but I don’t want it to mess with your life stuff or anything. (“Life stuff.” Lol.)

[yeshevishman]

Hey. I'm going to try to finish mine today, but things have been getting in the way.  If I can't,  I will not be able to post until Sunday as I'm Sabbath observant and can't write or post on Saturdays.  

[The Paradoxical Phenomenon]

So… I’ve thought about it a bit, and I guess I’ll just extend to Sunday evening, if no one can post. If all of you post today it’ll be fine, but it’s less than 2 1/2 hours until then. We’ll see.

[The Paradoxical Phenomenon]

We’ll extend to Sunday.

[DramaQueen]

Spoiler

Alrighty then, let's get this battle started,

Two of us inevitably will be leaving broken-hearted

Looking at my competition, though, I must say, I'm not scared

No offense, but it's clear that I'm the most prepared

Two of us are royalty,

Two of us divinity

Only one with both, that's me

The best out of this trinity

 

Lightsong, my man, a god who doesn't want to be one

But a good man like yourself knows how things should be run

See, when you're given power, you must take it with authority

You gotta let the people's lives become your top priority

You might be thinking "wait, hold up, I didn't ask to qualify

"Why are all the common folk deciding it's me they glorify?"

Chances are,

It's cuz you are

The best they got,

The rest ain't hot,

So pop a squat,

I'll tell you what

True cowardice is what you got

Sure, some folks bury heads in sand

But you refuse to take command

You're trusted and respected, too,

But you deny these things are true

You have the capability

To take responsibility;

Instead you play the fickle fool

While doubting your divinity

Who cares if you're a god or not?

With the admiration that you've got,

You have the chance to do something

Instead your life's an endless ring

You do the same things every day

Your life will never fade away

But surely you find no true joy

Just looking like a golden boy

Instead of you, Siri and Vivenna

Have to sort out your dilemmas

Hallandren is your own city

But you hardly do more than just sit pretty

Sure, you give them the occasional tip,

But mostly all you give is lip

In short, you play at apathetic;

Shorter, you are just pathetic.

 

And now for Adolin, a prat of a prince

Just the thought of you is enough to make me wince

To roast someone like you is an insult to my talent

You roast yourself daily just by trying to be gallant

You tried to fight for Kaladin by being your own jailor,

You've pooped yourself on purpose, and your best friend is your tailor

You're reckless, irresponsible, and can't keep a relationship

The only one that lasted had to be an arranged courtship

Dude, I read books at balls, I barely even tried,

You offended half the country then got a mail-order bride

You seem to spend all of your time out gallivanting

While everyone else tries to stop the world from ending

Honestly, you're mostly there for comic relief

And to have another person giving Kaladin grief

How many things have you done without a thought?

And how many of those things made everyone distraught?

Your impulsiveness can have its moments, that I'll admit,

Killing Sadeas was approved of, even by Wit,

But you gotta think things through, when push comes to shove,

Maybe that explains why you always struggled with love.

You need to learn when to trust your instincts and when to let them lay

Unless you want to push anyone and everyone away

Lighthearted conversation has its place, to be sure,

But when things are going wrong, it's not always the cure

You would risk everything on the slightest whim

What spren would ever want to bond with someone so dim?

Of course, powers aren't necessary to prove to be useful

Too bad so few of your efforts have proven to be fruitful

I know how it feels to be overshadowed by your wife,

But that's no excuse to run around wasting your life

I'd like to think there's hope for you, but looking at the stats,

It seems that all you'll ever be is Prince of the Prats.

 

So, Adolin, Lightsong, thank you for your efforts

I wish I could apologize, but the truth is that truth hurts

You did your best,

You took the test,

We'll soon discover who'll rise above the rest

You'll find that you're the losers when this round comes to its end

That's the price you pay when you face off against Elend

Fair warning: it's really really freaking long.

But your man Elend is IN THE HOUSE

Edited June 22, 2023 by DramaQueen

[SymphonianBookworm]

disclaimer: when I say sure it’s pronounced shore.

Spoiler

I can’t remember what this battle is for,

But I do know down to my core,

That in any form of war

I will always win—for sure!

 

Adolin, just so you know

I’ll tutor you—we’ll take it slow

Because I know that you’re all show

Without knowledge of how words flow.

 

You’ve spent your time with women,

Yet you can’t seem to keep one.

And when you made your decision,

Kaladin’s your competition.

Now, I hate repetition,

But I think that you need some.

Even your wife says you’re dumb!

When Kaladin went to prison,

Instead of a petition

You chose to go in with him—

Not a useful decision.

And you shouldn’t be forgiven

For Sadeas’ demolition.

Though problems had arisen

Death shouldn’t be your first option.

 

Elend, even though you read,

Without the strength to do the deed,

It is of my firm belief

You don’t have what it takes to lead. 

 

For example, when you decreed

Laws that let you be impeached,

And meant the government was breached,

You showed that you deserved defeat.

And the powers that you reached

Weren't from skills, not yours to keep,

But what your wife, to you, bequeathed.

Charisma is what you seek,

Because, in that and more, you’re weak. 

Honor was a word you breathed

Until, it seems, it took it’s leave

You—emperor of elite. 

You’re always in the backseat

When important matters peep.

You’re useless and obsolete. 

 

Lightsong The Great is my name,

And unlike you both, my acclaim

 Is not from power or fame.

I don’t take actions for my gain.

 

There are things I’ll never know,

But my intelligence will grow,

And gods thought that my deeds show

That I’m worth more time to glow. 

 

It’s true that I don’t want to lead,

And I’m from commoner breed.

But this makes me not have greed

For powers others have achieved.

 

I’ve reached this point with my own skills,

Not what other people will.

I’ve lived without pomp and frill,

Unlike these other two, still.

A Prince? A King? You don’t get it.

Accountants have work to submit.

Thrones aren’t the sort of stuff we sit.

I earned godhood, unlike these gits.   

 

When my niece was in need, I came.

And for others I do the same.

Though I died, t’was not in vain,

For I healed the tongue of a king.

In doing so I helped us win,

And the palace coup was tamed. 

Though my life had found it’s bane,

And Blushweaver was also drained,

Instead of going insane,

I helped friends keep lives they obtained.

I’m fun ‘cause I joke and play games,

Yet understanding I contain.

I know calm should be maintained. 

When Siri was sad, I explained

Hist’ry of the world from Hoid’s brain. 

Though I am dead, and that’s a shame,

I would do it all again. 

So the greatest I remain!

Oh dear. I’m really not sure what to think of this… Well, what’s done is done.

Good luck to both my competitors! *not said sarcastically*

[yeshevishman]

Spoiler

As a seasoned duelist some battles get me pensive

But I never fought foes like you with skills so reprehensive

You know me: the best duelist

Fighting me is foolish

In politics and battle

Both of you are clueless!

Lightsong schooling me?  In battle you're useless!

Like all the lifeless you had, it's gonna make me lose it!

 

You win any war? Which one was it exactly?

The one where Vasher had to stop your troops when things went badly?

I trained hard to get where I am - in both politics and the sword

You wouldn't last a second in a fight or the Alethi court!

 

You got lessons?  Let's absorb:

You're not witty with your banter!

In this battle you're going down

So let's call you the Red Panther

You just sit around being entertained

by your jugglers and dancers

And explained NOTHING to Siri-

Just had Wit give her answers!

 

And going to prison for Kal

Didn't accomplish much - I'm aware.

But I CHOSE to go to prison;

Your own servants put you there!

 

Lightsong the Bold? 

What got you in the limelight?

When someone was in trouble

You saved them and died - TWICE!

 

And Elend?  You dare come at my wife?

Yours was a thief and a con-woman

With no other perspectives.

Mine a noble who chose me

Over Kaladin Stormbless-ed.

 

You say you're a ruler and divine

That's like burning lead

Cuz against Ruin you lost twice

First your city - Then your head!

 

Under your father's thumb 

you always acted green

And only your wife outshines you

Shallan and I are a team!

 

Your bookishness ain't charming

It's really quite alarming

And no spren would bond me?

Let's ask Mayalarin!

 

Your roast is pathetic

It would never get to me

I could squash you like a beetle

But I'd rather just "Let It Be"

But you said I "run around wasting my life"

And you really meant it, E?

Was it a waste to offer myself up 

at Lasting Integrity?

Was it a waste to study fighting

to protect my family from our enemies?

A waste to help Kal smile

Through crippling depression, E?

Or maybe I should almost die twice

and need my wife to save me?

No wait: I said we're a team!

You're just a lackey to your lady!

 

So both of you need to step back

You just don't phase me!

I'm a better ruler and fighter

to think otherwise is crazy!

Leave this battle to the veteran

Try comedy, maybe.

Because that's the only way either of you are EVER gonna 'slay' me!

It's hard writing for a battle when I'm not writing for a hip-hop audience... I hope some of these bars don't go over your heads.

Edited June 18, 2023 by yeshevishman
Typo fix

[The Paradoxical Phenomenon]

I apologize, I am late. But! All three submissions for Round 2 are in, and it’s time to vote! You will have 24 hours in which to do this. Remember, the winner will have a shot at winning the whole Roast Battle, so choose wisely!

Important Note: I will be unable to officiate in the final round! Someone who is not competing will need to take my place. @The Sibling, would you be willing to?

[The Sibling]

Sure! Just tell me what I need to do.

[DramaQueen]

18 hours ago, TheAlpha929 said:

I apologize, I am late. But! All three submissions for Round 2 are in, and it’s time to vote! You will have 24 hours in which to do this. Remember, the winner will have a shot at winning the whole Roast Battle, so choose wisely!

Important Note: I will be unable to officiate in the final round! Someone who is not competing will need to take my place. @The Sibling, would you be willing to?

It is not letting me vote and I don't know if it's because my service sucks rn or what but uh add one vote for me please and thanks <3

[The Paradoxical Phenomenon]

45 minutes ago, DramaQueen said:

It is not letting me vote and I don't know if it's because my service sucks rn or what but uh add one vote for me please and thanks <3

Done! And for me it did work fine, but if anyone else runs into any issues, please let me know.

 

5 hours ago, The Sibling said:

Sure! Just tell me what I need to do.

Basically you just need to make sure things are submitted on time, preferably using the same times as I’ve been doing. It does have to be 48 hours of submissions, but when it’s absolutely necessary you can extend, like I did this time. Take into account, however, that if even one person had posted in the time frame, there would be a hard decision. Technically the person who posted should be the one who wins. One of the main reasons I extended it is because yeshevishman was simply following the rules of his religion, which is more important than any game.

You’ll also need to make the google form, and if you haven’t made one before it’s not too hard to figure out.

That mostly sums it up. If there’s anything else you need advice about I’m happy to give it, but I think you’re quite competent enough.

EDIT: that last phrase read weird. I’m saying it seems like this is something you would be pretty good at 

Edited June 19, 2023 by TheAlpha929

[The Paradoxical Phenomenon]

Uh 

there’s a tie

yeshevishman and dramaqueen 

how should we go about doing this?

[Thaidakar the Ghostblood]

Yo, can I still sign up? I just randomly decided I wanna write a rap from Moash's pov.

Edited June 20, 2023 by Thaidakar the Ghostblood
fixed sentence structure.

[DramaQueen]

3 hours ago, TheAlpha929 said:

Uh 

there’s a tie

yeshevishman and dramaqueen 

how should we go about doing this?

Maybe another vote with just us two as options?

[The Paradoxical Phenomenon]

I have to leave. A vote between the two of you sounds fine.
 

@Thaidakar the Ghostblood you can join next round. We’ll be happy to have you!

[Thaidakar the Ghostblood]

45 minutes ago, TheAlpha929 said:

I have to leave. A vote between the two of you sounds fine.
 

@Thaidakar the Ghostblood you can join next round. We’ll be happy to have you!

Yay!

[DramaQueen]

So @The Sibling do you want to create a poll between me and yeshevishman?

[The Sibling]

On 6/20/2023 at 11:24 AM, DramaQueen said:

So @The Sibling do you want to create a poll between me and yeshevishman?

Okay! I've never really made a google form, so please tell me if this works. 

https://forms.gle/G7sMJHrxaGK73ydt6 

Edit : The voting will end at 8:00 EDT tomorrow. Probably should have posted this at 8:00 tonight, but what's done is done. Happy voting, this is a tricky one. And so far, it's still tied.

Edited June 21, 2023 by The Sibling

[DramaQueen]

It works!

[The Stormfather]

these raps were really good.

[The Sibling]

So just a reminder to everyone to vote in the next 5 hours. The raps were awesome this time!