Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[Frustration]

Technically it was @The Unknown Order's turn but that works

[The Unknown Medallion he/him]

Spoiler

*Taln rambles quietly for a while but it slowly gets louder*

I'm getting attacked from both sides

Nothing unusual for me

First, Lopen 

For most of the time we've known you 

You've only had one arm

Now you think yourself high and mighty

But the only reason you got it back

Is because your minds all wack

You can't even swear an oath under pressure

You can't exit a stage without tripping

And you didn't do so well when you went shipping 

Despite it being the best ship in existence 

Now, Raoden

Brandon didn't even think you worthy of a proper character arc

And you're insulting me?

Why shouldn't I be called a herald?

I'm better than them

None of them can say they never broke

None of them can claim to be the best fighter

Because I hold that title

And what about you?

You're a king of course but that matters little

Especially in the grand scheme of things

You raised a city from the ashes

But those you commanded were immortal 

I did the same thing over a hundred times

With mortal soldiers to boot

To be honest, it was a hoot

You discovered how to correctly write a letter

Who cares?

*Taln slowly falls down from exhaustion, then sinks through the floor*

 

Edited October 12, 2021 by The Unknown Order

[Szeth's Facepalm]

55 minutes ago, Frustration said:

Technically it was @The Unknown Order's turn but that works

Uhohhh i thought u meant that i should go after   sorry i'm a mess.

[Frustration]

Alright as this was supposed to be @Shard of Reading and @The Unknown Order those will be the ones voted on.

Don't worry @Szeth's Facepalm yours was good to.

Please Pm the votes, google forums doesn't like me.

[Frustration]

I have only recieved one vote.

[The Unknown Medallion he/him]

1 hour ago, Frustration said:

I have only recieved one vote.

I can't vote, right?

[Frustration]

2 hours ago, The Unknown Order said:

I can't vote, right?

No.

[Frustration]

@The Unknown Order wins

 

@Szeth's Facepalm as Raoden VS. @AceBassMan as the Stormfather up next

 

Edited October 26, 2021 by Frustration

[Szeth's Facepalm]

I was actually Raoden, is that all right?

[Frustration]

Yep that's fine

[AceBassMan]

9 hours ago, Frustration said:

@The Unknown Order wins

 

@Szeth's Facepalm as Raoden VS. @AceBassMan as the Stormfather up next

 

 

9 hours ago, Szeth's Facepalm said:

I was actually Raoden, is that all right?

Excellent, when shall we battle?

[Frustration]

Submissions due Friday

[AceBassMan]

7 hours ago, Frustration said:

Submissions due Friday

Looks like the stormwardens are predicting a highstorm Friday 

Edited October 26, 2021 by AceBassMan

[AceBassMan]

I don't know what time zone everyone is in, but I'm ready to post anytime. 

[Frustration]

@Szeth's Facepalm

[AceBassMan]

Spoiler

*there's a calm chill before the wind it picks up,

building ever steady to the next big mix up,

boulders begin bowling and lightning licks up,

thunder fills the air till your hair it sticks up*

 

WHAT PITTANCE AM I FEELING AS I PASS THIS WAY?

A LITTLE CREEK LEAKING THROUGH AN ASS THAT'S STRAINED?

PUSH AN OCEAN THROUGH A CRACK ALL YOU HAVE IS SPRAY

I MAKE COSMIC ART, YOU JUST ILLUSTRATE

 

RAODEN GROPIN'

OUT IN OPEN

SHAOD-DONE, COPIN'

POUTIN' MOPIN'

LOUT IS HOPIN'

HE-AMOUNT-TO LOPEN

 

BUT I CAN'T REALLY BLAME THIS SON OF DISHONOR

WHOSE ONLY ROLE MODEL FOR KING WAS HIS FATHER

IT'S SELF-SACRIFICE, NOT SACRIFICE ANOTHER

THOUGH I CAN BE YOUR FATHER NOW SINCE HE'S A GONER

 

SO TRICKLE OUT INVESTITURE WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT

GO BE SPIRIT OR KALOO 'CAUSE RAODEN AIN'T RIGHT

JUST LIKE YOUR BEST FRIEND THE WEAK BALL OF LIGHT

GETTING LOST IN MY STORM WITHOUT EVEN A FIGHT

 

*the storm rumbles on*

 

[Szeth's Facepalm]

*Raoden wakes up*

sorry, what was that? I was asleep.

OH sorry for being late! I'm ready to rap now.

Spoiler

That’s it?

All you got?

I was expecting more. 

I’ll win this one, won’t even need the Dor

Stormfather.

You are one of the most powerful beings on Roshar.

Definitely the most powerful spren, by far,

I’m not even going to deny that this is true. 

SO WHY IN BRAIZE DO YOU DO THE THINGS THAT YOU DO? 

We know of your powers, why not use them to do more than destroy? 

You could save lives, uproot dastardly ploys,

But no, you just storm away, pathetically blowing

Your winds doing nothing but uprooting and slowing.

And picking the side of the ones who took

The planet from it’s people won't get you points in anyone's book.

And letting Dalinar bully you into bonding him?

Fear me, I'm the scary storm’s sounding more like an antonym.

And, well, if your gonna be bonded, might as well do it right-

But you really won’t be a sword, just out of spite?

You sound pathetic. Really. The majestic stormfather:

Chose the wrong side, then can’t even bother.

And really, in Words of Radiance, literally ANY time would have been better for a surprise storm if you were trying to help Dalinar. Like, i'm not even gonna follow the meter here, if you're on dalinar's side, DON’T SUMMON A STORM DURING ANOTHER STORM TO MAKE THE STORM OF ALL STORMS IN AN AREA POPULATED BY THE PEOPLE YOU ARE TRYING TO SAVE! Basic knowledge.

So, stormfather, are you really that great?

Or are you just a weak willed hurricane

With stormlight as your single saving (?) grace?

Raoden carefully puts his mike back in his mike stand, then goes back to bed.

Edited October 29, 2021 by Szeth's Facepalm

[Frustration]

Alrighty lads, time for voting!

[AceBassMan]

On 10/29/2021 at 4:34 PM, Szeth's Facepalm said:

*Raoden wakes up*

sorry, what was that? I was asleep.

OH sorry for being late! I'm ready to rap now.

  Hide contents

That’s it?

All you got?

I was expecting more. 

I’ll win this one, won’t even need the Dor

Stormfather.

You are one of the most powerful beings on Roshar.

Definitely the most powerful spren, by far,

I’m not even going to deny that this is true. 

SO WHY IN BRAIZE DO YOU DO THE THINGS THAT YOU DO? 

We know of your powers, why not use them to do more than destroy? 

You could save lives, uproot dastardly ploys,

But no, you just storm away, pathetically blowing

Your winds doing nothing but uprooting and slowing.

And picking the side of the ones who took

The planet from it’s people won't get you points in anyone's book.

And letting Dalinar bully you into bonding him?

Fear me, I'm the scary storm’s sounding more like an antonym.

And, well, if your gonna be bonded, might as well do it right-

But you really won’t be a sword, just out of spite?

You sound pathetic. Really. The majestic stormfather:

Chose the wrong side, then can’t even bother.

And really, in Words of Radiance, literally ANY time would have been better for a surprise storm if you were trying to help Dalinar. Like, i'm not even gonna follow the meter here, if you're on dalinar's side, DON’T SUMMON A STORM DURING ANOTHER STORM TO MAKE THE STORM OF ALL STORMS IN AN AREA POPULATED BY THE PEOPLE YOU ARE TRYING TO SAVE! Basic knowledge.

So, stormfather, are you really that great?

Or are you just a weak willed hurricane

With stormlight as your single saving (?) grace?

Raoden carefully puts his mike back in his mike stand, then goes back to bed.

"SO WHY IN BRAIZE DO YOU DO THE THINGS THAT YOU DO?"

Favorite line, and well crafted all around

[Frustration]

I have only received one vote

I will extend voting, but it will end in the next couple of days

Edited November 6, 2021 by Frustration

[Szeth's Facepalm]

 

1 hour ago, AceBassMan said:

"SO WHY IN BRAIZE DO YOU DO THE THINGS THAT YOU DO?"

Favorite line, and well crafted all around

Thank you! I was actually pretty apprehensive about that line, glad I ended up put it in 

Yours was awesome by the way, especially the rhythm. I literally had to start rapping under my breath when i was reading it it lmao

[AceBassMan]

On 11/5/2021 at 9:37 PM, Ookla the Frog said:

 

Thank you! I was actually pretty apprehensive about that line, glad I ended up put it in 

Yours was awesome by the way, especially the rhythm. I literally had to start rapping under my breath when i was reading it it lmao

High praise! @Ookla the Frustrated What did the votes say?

[Frustration]

3 hours ago, AceBassMan said:

High praise! @Ookla the Frustrated What did the votes say?

I have only received one vote, but I guess @Ookla the Frog wins

[AceBassMan]

2 hours ago, Ookla the Frustrated said:

I have only received one vote, but I guess @Ookla the Frog wins

Congratulations to the artist formerly known as Szeth's Facepalm, @Ookla the Frog, Raoden! 

[Szeth's Facepalm]

:V yayayay! Thank you guys! @AceBassMan thanks for the tough competition, i honestly thought yours was better (seriously, im not being humble or anything, i wrote minw in an afternoon and I'm not sure exactly how i won )

P.S. i might reuse my Taln rap, since i wasn't supposed to post it, but i'll put some more work into it so it's different and better.