C_Vallion

Quiet week, this week. Full disclosure on this chapter: I didn’t like reading about high school drama when I was actually in high school, and several (oh man. More than I’d realized until just counting) years of distance have not made it any more endearing as a setting to jump into during my free time. So some of the things I comment on might hit better with an audience that wants to see those high school relationship dynamics… if there’s a crotchety old lady undertone to any of my comments, I apologize. That being said, even with my being prone to whine about high school angst, I liked a number of aspects of this chapter (mom wanting to set up the d&d game, N getting her to back up a step and look at things, etc.) but many of the individual beats themselves felt like they could be trimmed back a bit. I think some of my frustrations would be improved a lot if the relationship-emotion-processing sections weren’t as drawn out. I think if they were a few lines instead of a few pages, we’d still get the pain and inner conflict that’s going on. It’s the dwelling on it that pushes it over into sound like whining or self-pity. Pg 1: I assume her nightmares are related to her mom’s previous bout of sickness? It might be helpful for that to be clarified. I’d avoid any extensive detail on what happens in the nightmare, but at the moment, my reflexive response to “My nightmare comes back” is “What nightmare?” If it’s been mentioned before, this could very well just be WRS, and can be ignored “sleep cycle is going to be wrecked” did she have counseling or therapy or medication or anything for sleep/anger/anxiety issues last time she went through all of this that she’d be expecting to start up again in response to this realization? I wouldn’t expect her family to have any sort of stigma against any of that, and it seems clear that she’s well aware of the trouble she’s had in the past. As a random thought that occurred to me, I wonder if seeing that she’s actively trying to work through her anger issues and past trauma might help with some of the trouble of her coming across as self-pitying at times. If she’s actively working against it, it’s a way she’s trying to improve herself. If it’s just her past anger issues or having been dealt a pretty rotten hand with her mom’s health, it feels more like that’s just the way she is. The relaxation techniques do a little of this, and I do think those moments where she’s stopped herself, realized what she’s doing, and refocused have been good. Maybe that would help make some of the emotional beats that readers have been iffy about more engaging as well? Might be worth running past some others and see if that makes sense to them. “…before I fall in love…” this seems like a pretty forward thought to throw out there when she’s very torn about them having a relationship (and has trouble admitting that she even likes him a little later). And the fact that he ignores the comment and focuses on the pillow-punching seems odd. Especially when whether or not she likes him is pointed out as Very Important on the next couple of pages. “defies all logic” does it? Hadn’t he mentioned previously that he recognized that she struggles with anger and is sympathetic to that struggle? Especially when it’s related to her mom’s sickness, since it’s the same thing he had to walk through? She might think it’s ridiculous for him to want to go through the same pain with her, but I’d expect her to recognize the logic in it. Pg 2-3 Most of what’s here goes carries through from my last two comments on page 1. I’m not really on board with her reasoning, so I’m not really invested in her angst here. Pg 3: “Not as much at stake” …”If you can’t be honest…” I am with W on this one here, because now it seems like N has other ulterior motives for being in the relationship, which makes me suspicious of him. Pg 4: N’s wanting to back up a step and figure out where the disconnect is refreshing. Pg 5: “I just…want to be with you.” - “Because there are big things at stake that I’m not going to tell you about?” I’m not entirely sure how I feel about this shift in dynamics… when he’s the one trying to get her to look past her self pity to see the situation better, it bothers me that he’s also hiding things. Pg 6: “keep enough energy” what does this mean? “Taekwondo becomes a chore” THIS line hit hard. It does an excellent job of showing us how exhausted she is, when she’s considering giving up something that’s so important to her. “Since that’s normal for his culture…” Is this really such a foreign concept to them? I don’t get the big disconnect here. Part of this is definitely a skewed perception thing, since my family always pulled in all of me and my siblings’ friends to hang out for family dinners or camping trips or things. So it would just seem weird for someone close to any of us to not also spend a significant amount of time with the family, whether friends or significant others. Even if it’s not standard or expected in most standard high school relationships, I’d expect someone who is really close to her family (and someone whose family seems so welcoming) to see that as a normal thing at least some of the time. Pg 7: It seems odd to me that W wouldn’t have ever played any D&D if her mom enjoys it so much. It seems like they play a lot of board games as a family. That seems like it would have naturally progressed into some sort of tabletop RPG now and then. It also doesn’t seem like we should need a full page of back and forth about whether or not to run a campaign. Pg 8: Hah. I like the detail that her mom enjoys reading the game rules. A vital part of any board gaming group. Pg 9: “I don’t want to make him relive all that pain” This is the point I would have expected her to remember at the beginning.

Hello, All! As always, thanks for all of your thoughts on previous chapters! New pov time! I’ll admit that had me more than a little concerned, considering some of the struggles I’m still having with the others. I’m hoping that this addition will bring in some additional context on the characters and events. So we’ll see which aspects land where they’re supposed to. The usual questions plus one: Thoughts on the angle brought in by the new pov? Is the new information presented in a way that is absorbable? Any confusing/boring sections? Thoughts on characters? Points of interest or engagement? Thanks so much!

Good call. Half of my brain is still working from the revision where there was more information about C earlier on. But I'm realizing that I'm creating problems for myself on that front that are going to be coming out in the next few chapters *facepalm* I wondered if this might be how things come across. Part of the detail is to make it clear that C is, in fact, doing things, even if the king is dismissing the threat they pose. But as is often the case, what it's supposed to be doing is getting lost a little in the shuffle. In theory (you know. Because that always works) this should change. There is intentionally a strong sense that V is very in control of things from the start. We'll see how the change/development of that goes in the next few chapters. I feel like this question has come up in half of the chapters, and can't tell what it is that is keeping him from sticking other than WRS. The detail I probably omitted here is that he's the baron's son. Hooray! That's appropriate at this point. When there was a stronger Is-pov presence at the start, there was a stronger impression that he's superficial and irresponsible. I'm not sure how he's come across to the reader in this revision, since he's not as present (which is something I'm regretting and need to figure out how to fix) Hah. In some ways, this perception of R is actually how I was hoping he would come across. But I definitely need to figure out how to fix the Al- issues... I may send you a message to see what your thoughts are on that front. And probably one to @RedBlue while I'm at it. I'm just really having a lot of trouble figuring out what things are missing their mark on that front...it's incredibly frustrating. I would say yes (though that's certainly been wrong before), and that part of it is the C stuff that everyone is skimming (here and in previous chapters). Unfortunately, I've yet to find the right way to approach that in a way where it's actually being absorbed. So it certainly needs some work, whether that's cutting or significant reworking.

Can I have a spot for Monday?

He shouldn't seem especially suspicious, just like something's a little off. So that's probably fine. It has, and it's not entirely wrong to say that it's why he's there. It's just not the aspect he meant to announce to the world on day 1. That was meant to be clearer, and (as is often the case) was not. Whoops. It's more that their hostility against K gets taken out on Al because he's the only K-looking person most of them have ever interacted with. I need to find a better way to clarify the connections and associations between K (the kingdom) Tr (the duchy) and Al and his parents in the earlier chapters. Because that's definitely been a little murky throughout. And is definitely not going to be helping the talking-heads feel, which— in theory— was supposed to reflect Al feeling very thrown into the middle of circumstances he isn't prepared for. But it probably goes on too long. I trimmed back a lot from the previous version, but it's good to know there's still room for improvement there. You'll have to let me know how this pans out through the next few chapters. In theory (I have a lot of those. Critiques here have made it clear that not all of them have worked), he should be coming across as steady and in control at this point. Unfortunately, some of that is definitely coming across too strongly (where he's overwhelming the pov characters). There's definitely a lot of balance I still need to find there. Especially since poor Al is still not coming across well. Thanks for your thoughts!

Oh man. How is it Friday already? Pg 1: This page seems to go on a little long for me. I’m also a little surprised that she doesn’t have some sort of training equipment for home since Taekwondo seems to be a big part of her life. Especially as someone who also has anger issues. An at-home training setup seems like it would make sense for both hobby and therapeutic reasons. Of course…I grew up in a house where half the basement was covered with a wrestling mat and my dad rigged up a bunch of tarps that could be used as a batting cage/soccer training area without too much collateral damage. So my sense of what is normal on that front is definitely skewed. I approve of the choice of going with the decorative pillows in the end, though. I just don’t understand those things. Also, what kind of dress is she wearing? I’d imagined something sort of semi-formal for homecoming, but I can’t think of many of those that you can do much punching or kicking in without risking a seam or zipper. I’ve lost track of the number of times I’ve tried on a dress that seems cute and mostly comfortable then realize I can’t lift my arms past shoulder height or that I will risk it falling off if I try to swing dance in it. Pg 2: “he was scared of me” is this supposed to be the voice of reason? It seems liked worried might be more accurate than scared. Especially if he’s already aware that she sometimes struggles with anger. I agree with @ redblue that squishing the conflict with N and the one with her parents together here semes like a lot. And I’m a little surprised Amma is willing to dig into these things with N there instead of asking him to wait while they talk to her. Pg 6-7 While I’m always a fan of whining about the impracticality of women’s clothing (note dress comments above), but I feel like it would work better as a passing comment or two between them instead of almost a full page of dialogue. “we don’t have them where I’m from” I feel like he’d have enough experience with interacting with E, at least, to know that this is a weird thing to say? “My family doesn’t have a tv” or something along those lines seems like it would make more sense to come across as a little strange. Implying that no one in his community has one seems like it would create more questions than could be answered with a “helpless shrug” unless he’s trying to pass for Amish on Rumspringa Pg 9: The iron comments feel a little like the fashion comments above. I like how the concept is brought in, but it seems to go on a few lines longer than it should for W’s family not to be asking more questions. And banter is one of those things that can go from fun to clunky really fast. Pg 10-11: Like the others, I find the either/or predicament she’s creating about dating N or spending time with Mom a little odd. Didn’t she date E while her mom was sick before? That might not have gone great, but I’d think she would have a whole lot of experience with people continuing to steady-on through relationships even when there are difficult circumstances around them. “If he floated off…” This seems rather whimsical for someone who spends art class coloring in squares of graph paper. N’s switch from grin to smile is a nice detail, though. “don’t make clothes out of iron” What does W think this is supposed to mean? Pg 12: “another grant proposal” I’m surprised they have the mental capacity for this after a pretty significant family conflict with N as the awkward bystander, when it was their fault and mom’s for lying to W. Overall, I like a lot of the things in here. I really like that they hang out at home and watch a movie, and the interactions around that. I like a lot of the banter lines, even if some of it could be trimmed back. I think there could be a little smoothing over of the conflict processing at the beginning, and it seems like W moves past the being lied to pretty quickly. Blowing off steam with the punching and relaxation exercises is one thing, but I’d expect some confusion/frustration/overwhelmed-ness to carry through while they’re watching the movie and in the final scene. Even if she’s trying to put on a good face about it. Instead, she pretty quickly shifts to the concern of whether she has to choose between Mom or N, which isn’t an entirely convincing dilemma and secondary to having been deeply hurt by her parents a couple hours before. Curious to see where how these conflicts affect her going forward!

Hello, All! As always, thanks for all of your thoughts on previous chapters! It's been helpful both to get an idea of what things will need work in revisions and to know what things to be keeping track of as I'm doing edits for upcoming chapters. I think my biggest concerns on this one (like many chapters) are related to how well the information sticks. The previous version had far too much information introduced at once, and far too many names that weren’t immediately relevant. The trimmed down version fixes a lot of that, but I'm not sure how this version will come across to new readers. Content Warnings: Language Specific questions: Is the new information presented in a way that is absorbable? Any confusing/boring sections? Thoughts on characters? Points of interest or engagement? Thanks so much!

Would like to request a spot for Monday

The accident will be detailed in the prologue, so it's intentional that we don't get additional details about it here. It occurred out in Tr-, not here. Al's never been here before. This suite was his mom's for when she was in the capital (she was the one to do all of Tr's politicking). That's an excellent question that I don't have a good answer to. In previous drafts, Al didn't have as much page time up front, and a lot of the world building/exposition we get through his pov had been shared through other povs in very meandering, plotless chapters. Things are better without them, but trying to backfill those details has pushed Al into the main pov spot up to this point when it's not the best time for his character to shine. Still trying to figure out how to balance that better to make him come across better in these early chapters.

This —and really, a lot of the subtleties of the magic restrictions and what is fine and what isn't— should be coming across more clearly than it is, but I'm still working on figuring out where the best places to introduce some of the background details. At this point, it should mostly be the idea that only magistrates learn the fire spell, and that it's part of their training. But that's not made clear. Hah. Initially there had been almost no emotional reaction through here. Seems like I jumped too far the other way in my edits. Shocking. Yep. We see some of that in the next chapter. Trying to figure out what to introduce when has been a huge challenge while doing this round of edits/revisions. There are a whole bunch of dominoes that need to be set up, and trying to get an idea of which ones need to be in place before others start moving or which ones need to be in motion from the start to make sure pacing is working has felt like a bit of a juggling act. Hooray! There's definitely a good deal of political maneuvering through the story, so making sure that's engaging, even if it's not everyone's cup of tea, is going to be an ongoing task. Keeping everything understandable and moving forward has been the main aspect of that I usually struggle with. Hopefully I'll continue to improve on it, but having parts that don't quite work pointed out has been and will continue to be really helpful for that process. Yep! Most of the random little details I cling to for seemingly no reason do actually have a reason. But this one is definitely clear proof that most of them are introduced at the wrong time or in the wrong way or with too much irrelevant backstory in the first several attempts. Same with C. This is a good point. Some of the interactions went differently in early drafts (and when the sister's early chapter still existed), but he does sort of just disappear after chapter 1 in this version, doesn't he? I will have to make sure that doesn't get left out entirely. Make sure someone is sent to check R's gear and probably have Is- asking about him right away, since she'd be worried about what something happening to him would mean. I can see this... there should be a feeling of him being a little distant and controlling through these chapters, but figuring out how to keep him from entirely taking over the scenes he's in. I think this is less of an issue as his character gets fleshed out a little more, but you'll have to let me know if it continues to be something that sticks out to you. Good to have this called out as still being confusing. I keep thinking "Oh, no, they will know that, because prologue." But said prologue doesn't exist in a useful form yet. *facepalm* K and C are overseas kingdoms that share a border, with the mountain range that keeps being mentioned running between them. Al's dad was from K. T is a dukedom within G-lvr-n (our local kingdom, ruled by V). T is only really tied to K because of Al and his father. Good news! The political conflicts and interactions are definitely far more central than Is's recovery. Though her recovery does end up tying into that. oh man, this chapter is especially bad about that.... oops. It's not that she's using it so much as that she can sense it being used. Which is still more awareness than she would be expected to have. Hah. I'm a little surprised that one didn't go turn up in the google search portion of my name-picking process. I've never actually read WoT. We'll just say this Th is not "fated to both destroy and save the world" (grabbed from a WoT wiki). He's mostly fated to talk too much and be a bit of a busybody. Thanks so much for the thoughts, All!

I ended up switching things around a little in this chapter, trimming back the start a bit and swapping some of the Jo- plot points until after we've actually interacted with her so that there's more structure for things to stick to and details can be introduced more naturally. The newer version cuts a thousand words out of it, with most of that from the first half. So that's probably good. Yeah. I've realized that most of my chapter openings suffer from this. I feel like I include too much scene-change detailing and struggle with finding a strong start point or transitioning into the Important Parts in ways that are natural for the characters... I should probably just go through a bunch of books I enjoy and read first and last paragraphs of chapters to see how gaps between chapters tend to go. I feel like my sense of how they're supposed to go is skewed for some reason. As always, thanks for your feedback! It's greatly appreciated

This is really helpful. @karamel has been on top of me regarding adverbs in the past couple chapters, and while my brain has filed it away as a "Oh yeah. I will have to keep an eye out for that", the examples you're providing here are helpful in nailing down the why of it, which I don't think have actually sunk in up to this point. Hopefully that will give me a more solid idea of what to be looking out for. I don't mind nitpicking on grammar. I wish all of my writing issues were related to nitpicking about grammar. That's far easier to fix than info-dumpy sections and general character/plot concerns. Ultimately, the scene is supposed to present G as being protective of Is and of Al being level-headed but not really a fighter. Then to provide an opportunity to discuss spellstones. There are definitely some dynamics that I'd like to have in there that aren't coming across at all though, especially since G's motivations aren't clear. This one is definitely on my list of scenes that something needs to be done about. I just haven't figured out exactly what that is yet. This is definitely a thing that I think comes across in my mental pacing differently than it does for the reader, so it's good to see it mentioned. One of my pre-submission-readers generally calls out when I do that as well, but I've never been sure if it's just a reader preference thing or a general issue. Huh. Interesting. This one led me down a rabbit trail of spelling rules, and it looks like both are accurate? I wonder if I always spell it drily. And also what I usually do with wryly/wrily. And now I've looked at it long enough that none of those words mean anything, so I'm just going to copy/paste this list I found of dictionary listings: Oxford online (UK): drily (also dryly); shyly; slyly; wryly Oxford online (US): dryly (also drily); as above Collins online (UK): drily or dryly; shyly; slyly, slily; wryly Collins online (US): dryly; shyly; slyly; wryly Merriam-Webster online: drily or dryly; shyly; slyly also slily; wryly OED unupdated entries give: dryly | drily and slyly | slily as alternative headwords; shyly (also shily); wryly (also 15-16 [i.e. 1500s, 1600s] wrily) The Oxford Canadian dictionary gives dryly (also drily), whereas its Australian companion gives drily (also dryly). Dear The English Language: Thanks for being straightforward, as always. Thanks so much for your comments on this and chapter 1! Your comments there on how things are coming across between Is and R there are really helpful. Figuring out how to get Is's motivations and character out there in the first couple pages has been ... a struggle, to say the least. Especially since she spends the next three chapters off-screen, I know it needs to be super clear form page 1, but it's definitely not where it needs to be. I still haven't figured out exactly how to approach that chapter to get it to work right, and my being pretty horrible at openings certainly doesn't help on that front either.

Welcome back! Hope your time away was refreshing. Overall: I think this got rid of a couple of the trouble spots from before, but took a few of the things I liked with it (the chatting over dinner, the sunburn sensing, some of the fun/awkward first date interactions – even if there was a little too much of it last time). This one has W coming across as more self-pitying than innocently preparing for an awkward first date/dance. I think the reveal hit harder last time because she started out worrying mostly about how to act on a first date and ended up realizing that there were far bigger things to worry about. And I miss having that contrast in this version. I think I’d like some in-between version better than this one or the previous one. Pg 1: I don’t remember exactly how the conversation between her parents went before, but this comes across better. It gets at the playful teasing between her parents without seeming passive aggressive. Something about the new dress part of it still seems a little off, but I’m not sure what it is. Maybe even just the phrasing of “My current ones should be fine” seems off to me? Like she’s planning to wear multiple dresses? Does she have a lot of fancy dresses that she has to pick through? Does she not really have a fancy dress and her mom wants her to get one? I think I’m also overthinking it at this point, which likely doesn’t help. Might sound less awkward if she mentions a specific one, maybe? “That green one I wore to _whatever_ should be fine.” Pg 2: “Happy homecoming” Hah. It’s alright, N, these rules are silly anyway. Pg 3-8 I’m not a huge fan of how W comes across here. She seems weirdly pushy and self-pitying, and while I get her wanting to help N like he’s helped her, she doesn’t seem like the type to think that pushing people to dig into painful emotions is helpful. Plus, there just seems to be too much of it at once. I’d rather see her pick up on a few hints in earlier chapters (putting together comments from N and her parents), then have something N says here make it all come together.

1. A couple spots that I’ve mentioned below, specifically when everyone is being brought up to speed and things seem a little repetitive. 2. Mostly. There are some things about V’s thoughts and actions that aren’t quite lining up for me, though. Also mentioned below. I feel like most of my useful comments are below, but I really liked these chapters and am looking forward to see what trying to leave means in a practical sense after what we’ve learned from V about the surrounding area. I will say, there are some ideas (specifics below) that are touched on or implied without being addressed directly, and part of me would like to see those things dealt with more thoroughly here or have a lantern hung on them if they’ll be dug into later when the characters are more ready to notice things. Of course, they’re also ideas that I tend to latch onto when I see them, so I’m not sure if the way they are dealt with here will be as noticeable to others or not or if you intended for them to come across like they are here. Pg 1-2 Definitely interesting to get one of the adults’ perspectives at this point. We’ve had a pretty clear conflict between the innocent, hopeful kids vs. jaded, pessimistic adults going on, so it’s interesting to see how much of that is in C’s head, so it’s interesting to see the other side of that. We’ve seen it from C’s perspective a little more the past couple chapters, but I’ll admit I was hoping that some of it was just her perception. It bothers me a little when kids and adults are set up to see each other as the whole sort of incomprehensible other. Of course, there’s definitely reason given for it here since the whole reason the adults end up that way is because they’ve had to sacrifice something to preserve the town for the next generation. So their other-ness is a result of the fact that they at one point cared. And I do love me some complicated morality questions. So feel free to take my rambling thoughts or leave them. “What comes next? The population is shrinking.” I’d had this thought as well. Pg 3: Happy, carefree E sacrificing his sense of accomplishment (or something similar)? *cries* Pg 4: “If any dog is likely to get above its station…” Hah. Pg 5: “tears off into the trees.” Go, MD, Go! Pg 6: I’m really enjoying the mayor’s pov. We get a really clear idea of his character in a lot of his reactions to things, and a number of his observations have made me chuckle. “…because she’s already tucked away….” Bad news, mayor. Pg 7: “I thoughts something awful had happened…” yeah. Me too. Where’ve you been, V? I was expecting her to have to go rescue him from somewhere. I think we should get into V’s explanation for where he was a little earlier. Having a full page before C “realizes that V is very quiet” feels a little long. Especially the stretch from “She throws off the blankets” to the end of the page. That feels like it could be condensed a good bit to stress her urgency in getting to him. Plus, I think most readers will be pretty well convinced that something has gone wrong with V, so his just appearing is odd, and I think keeping the gap between his appearance and the visible sign that something is still wrong as short as possible will help maintain the tension better. Either that, or add some hint to his initial appearance here that suggests all is not as it should be. At the moment, his appearance seems too normal and casual through most of the page. Pg 8: “I tried to leave.” …I don’t entirely buy this… it doesn’t seem to fit what we’ve seen before of him wanting to help C and be a hero and save the town. I’d need more hints in early chapters that he feels like an outsider for me to believe he’d try to run away when he’s most needed. “Do they treat you as if you’re one of them?” To be fair, I’m not sure if I’d want to be treated like the adults treat anyone. No one really seems to be all that close to anyone else. The other parents walk their kids along through the process of being part of the town, but I don’t get much feeling that there’s a closeness between the other kids and the other townsfolk that C is lacking. “Lots of things are wrong…” Well, that’s for sure. Pg 9: “This was faster” Hah. I’m still not clear on what exactly T had given up and what she’s kept, but I appreciate this blunt solution. Pg 10-11: “I don’t understand about this rhythm dance…” Hah. E’s got my back on this one. I know that having the knowledge about what the wood stove now does change C’s view of what might be “magic” and what might be the weirdness of town, but I’d sort of like to have this information earlier in the story, even if it’s just to acknowledge that it’s a C-specific thing, which she hadn’t otherwise realized was something that only happened to her. Having even this brief acknowledgment of it would likely make it a lot easier to take in stride than it has been in previous chapters. “a sharp, mocking voice” right on time. Pg 12: “I’m not going back home again.” I don’t think this needs to be further driven home here. Pg 13: “You didn’t tell anyone” Fair point. “Because you would have used it…” “Why would you think…?” This fits both of their characters and how they view the world really well. A lot of what we’re getting in 10-14 or so feels repetitive. The process of bringing everyone up to speed requires some of that, and there’s definitely some new stuff mixed in, so it doesn’t make sense to cut it all, but finding a smoother way to do that without a full recap of things might be helpful. Pg 14: Oh, GM. I do so appreciate your sudden desperate chaos. “should have made me burn my spite.” Another fair point. Pg 17-18 “But I failed to do something right.” I like this distinction a lot. Though I think the question of whether or not he was capable of accomplishing the “right” thing should be stressed a little more. He touches on it a bit, but I think in general, choosing not to do the right thing is almost equivalent to doing a wrong thing, whereas being unable to accomplish the right thing isn’t necessarily a wrong thing, even if the way things pan out ends up being the same. I’m a little torn about the conversation between T and V here. On one hand, T taking responsibility for her choices is good, and fits her character. But I think the “All the other adults trust me…” line says more about the problems with the adults in town than it does about what is reasonable to expect of a pre-teen or teen girl. It definitely fits her character to respond this way, and I think given the circumstances, I agree with her point that she did the right thing for the town. But I’d like to see them recognize that the brokenness of the town has left all of them with some pretty horrible options rather than focus on which of them should have done something differently. This sort of goes along with my comments about pg 8, where V and C are talking about fitting in.

Hello, All! This was another chapter that required almost a full rewrite from the previous version, because it referred to events that had been mentioned in the cut chapters of the previous revision. I think I caught all of the changes that were needed to line it up with this revision, but am not sure how the new information comes across. It was extremely overwhelming and info-dumpy previously. This version is certainly better, but I’m afraid it will still end up leaning that way. Am also not sure if the emotional/character beats carry through like I want them to. Content Warnings: Very mild language and gore (wound description, mention of blood) Specific questions: Do the emotional through-lines of this chapter make sense? Is the new information presented in a way that it’s actually absorbable? Any points that seemed confusing or like some background information was missing? Or just that it wasn’t sticking because of how it was presented. Thoughts on characters at this point? Points of interest or engagement? Thanks so much!

I would also like a spot for Monday.

Welcome to both @spitefulmage and @Moonsilver! Looking forward to reading some of your stories. I feel like every time I see Pratchett in someone's favorite authors list, I'm reminded how much I love his books and how many I still haven't gotten my hands on to read. The Moist Von Lipwig books and the Tiffany Aching series are probably my favorites thus far. Nice! I do love some fun magic systems and world building . Looking forward to reading your work! I will freely admit I don't know a ton about wine beyond knowing what my favorite bottle under $20 is. I'm married to a cocktail geek/mixologist, so we spend more time on that side of the liquor store. Our only geeky pet name is Appa, who is the 115 pounds of fluff seen in my profile image thing. He doesn't fly, but he does drool and sleep a lot.

Hah. See, in my head, it is doing multiple things. Mostly detailing where Al and R stand on the magic laws (and how Al's mom's work ties into that), but also setting up the tone of their relationship and that it's at the edge of a big change. Though now that I'm saying that, I think some of the latter is lost in not having seen R before now. Urgh. Yeah...the question of "main main" character is a sort of complicated one in some ways. Once I'm through submitting Part 1, I'll probably try to get some feedback on how the pov balance comes across, though. I often do that as well. Usually whichever is the least helpful at a given point in time. Turns out writing is hard. Who knew?

It's pretty much my only reliable thing I apologize about the adverbs. I like to think that once I figure out what details actually need to be introduced when (instead of ten million extra things five chapters too early), this will help everything fall together more smoothly. But man, it's a battle. I appreciate this comment a lot. It's a big help when wrestling with all of the other things gets frustrating. I feel like this has been one of my biggest issues throughout. I'm fully aware that some of the things that I think of as vital actually aren't. Which doesn't help. But there are some things that are vital that are getting lost because it's not engaging. I think I try to focus too much on interactions between characters seeming natural (the random actions punctuating conversations is part of this as well. I've been trying to cut back on those. You should see some early drafts...but I won't put you through that), but when a character doesn't know that the information they have is vitally important, and the PoV character doesn't yet recognize it as vitally important, I haven't figured out how to share the information in a way that sticks but also feels natural. Or to cut to the "more clearly important/exciting bit" without it feeling like a forced, manufactured conversation. And my writer-brain and reader-brain often don't talk to each other, which doesn't help. Because my sense of what is and isn't coming across is really bad. I'd been hoping to find a way to put the scene with Is- somewhere else, but it isn't enough to stand on its own as a chapter, and seems most closely tied to Al's pondering of his mother's work. Aaaaaand, looking back at the revised version, it doesn't look like I ever actually said that his mother's proposal was focused pushing back against the magic restrictions. Which is vitally important. Ugh. Dang rushed revisions. In theory, that should lead more naturally into Al being conflicted about where he stands on the magic laws, then being thrown for a loop when he sees that Is knows magic. So it made sense to stick them in the same chapter, but obviously the engagement issues need work. Sigh. So, this is good. To some extent. Because that's how those things should be coming across. Would you say that you'd only gotten the sense that R is worried? Or that he's acting also suspiciously? Those first four un-engaging pages? They're supposed to be giving the impression that he's acting suspiciously. Getting nervous when caught talking to mysterious strangers and rushing said individuals out of the room. Being evasive about what he's been up to and putting the focus on Al - "Such a shame the rooms aren't ready yet. How was the concert? You should talk to so-and-so. You want to know what's going on? Nothing! Nothing at all. Please stop asking." In theory, there should be more tension in the early part related to R acting strangely. But that seems like it's not coming through. In previous revisions, neither G nor Al got this much page time at this point in the story, and I think part of that is why their characters are suffering a bit in these chapters. Having to have certain things happen before Is- wakes up has pushed more world setup work on Al at this point when they're not things that make his character shine. Would it help to have Al more clearly convinced beforehand that the royal family is opposed to magic? Or to make it clearer in his conversation with R that he wants to help the people (like his mother and R) who are trying to make magic more acceptable within the kingdom, but feels like his hands are tied. Since he can't afford volatile political ventures without risking the damage it might cause for the duchy? Those are things that should be there but are getting bogged down. There are way too many bogs for important details to get stuck in throughout these early chapters... Is there any chance that this might be WRS? I'd been concerned about that a bit as well, and was looking at when I submitted things. The Is- chapters was submitted in April, but I'd had a gap between some chapters, the sister's chapter that got cut, and had submitted the merged version of Al's first chapters as well. So I feel like there may be some skewed perception of how long we've actually been with Al at this point. But I'm not completely sure. We get back to Is next. So there's that. He was referring (or avoiding referring) to having been called before the king. Good to know. I was concerned that people would wonder why he's not immediately telling his adviser about the assassination attempt and went the overexplaining route. As I do. Thanks so much for your thoughts! It continues to be really helpful while I'm recognizing the things I am especially struggling with, and for starting to figure out how to not only recognize the issues, but figure out how to actually fix them.

Awesome. Thanks! Sent the new version over, weighing in 1,000 words shorter.

Urgh. I was afraid of it coming across that way. Unfortunately, the couple of people I usually have read before I submit here are useless in regard to "Are there too many names/details to process?" and "Is this important to know?" sorts of questions because they've read previous versions and know where things are going. Which is especially unhelpful when I'm prone to info dumps... I'll have to see if I can make some quick cuts and see if I can catch anyone else with a revised version before they read this one. @kais, @karamel, and @leapfrog, I know you've been reading through. If you're willing to wait a day for a trimmed down version, let me know. This is usually my problem. Knowing how much is enough for the reader to know now so that they're able to put those pieces together in later chapters without making it too much to actually absorb... I'd considered cutting the details about the countess until we've actually run into her and focus a little more on the things R is being sneaky about (which I think are getting lost altogether here), but the aforementioned pre-submission readers thought it was fine *facepalm* That's probably appropriate at this point. Especially since we haven't really seen her since like two months ago when I submitted chapter 1. We get back to her next chapter, which should help.

Pg 1: I don’t think we need the middle sentence in the first paragraph. It feels a little repetitive to have the list of the previous chapters’ important events, and that’s having had a break between reading those chapters. “They gave her its name.” Subtlety does not seem to be their best thing. It’s odd to see T described as small. I’d generally pictured her as older/taller than C. But I don’t know why that’s in my head. V’s absence now is not concerning at all… Pg 2: “…beneath her own name.” I like this line Pg 4: “He doesn’t react to the fact…” hmph. Jerk. Pg 5: “She asks T…” This sentence followed by the next two dialogue lines seems repetitive. Pg 7: Gotta admit, GM has a point here. I get the point of her wanting to go by G here, but it seems to be more drawn out than it needs to be. Pg 7-10 The argument between C and GM goes on longer than necessary. It covers almost 4 pages and the main points we get are 1.GM isn’t going home and wants to join the crew/change her name. 2. GM taking pride in her manipulations/”people skills” 3. C calling her out on that and refusing to accept any nonsense (which I really like, but I think it could be covered in less page time). And 4. The vague implication that V is missing and GM knows about it. She’s been sort of passively noticing V’s absence through this chapter, which had me expecting something to happen on that front. Even if it’s just C concretely realizing that he’s missing and being afraid of what might have happened. I’m sure part of this is the week-by-week submission aspect, since starting to move more in that direction in the next chapter isn’t really that much farther along, but it feels like we get a lot “Look over here to where V isn’t where he’s supposed to be!” and C doesn’t even notice, which feels like a loose end. Pg 11: “Not forever” I like that line, but following it up with “they both go to sleep” weakens it a bit, I think. After all that’s happened and acknowledging that she’s not really sure how things will be going forward, just going to sleep seems like an odd break in tension. 1) Not confusing, but things meander a bit, especially after a couple more intense chapters. 2) Mostly. The main thing that didn’t quite line up was C not calling out V’s absence, especially when attention is drawn to it a few times, both in her thoughts and by other people. Overall, this wasn’t quite as engaging as the last couple of chapters. I like the things it brings up. T’s consequences. C and GM both detaching themselves from their parents. V’s ominous absence. C putting her foot down when it comes to GM’s manipulation. I think there could be a lot of tension in each of those things, but it’s getting lost a little in the mix.

Hello, All! My biggest concerns on this one are the pacing and that it might feel like a shift in direction from 1-3. It brings in more of the political intrigue that is present throughout the story, but I don’t know if it comes across as engaging as it needs to be, and am sure the week-by-week submission setup isn’t going to be doing it any favors in that regard. Specific questions: Does this chapter feel too slow or too much of a sudden veering away from the direction we’d be going in? Are there spots that stuck out as notably more or less engaging (and any specific things that made those feel that way)? Are there things that seem confusing or could use more explanation? Thoughts on the characters as presented up to this point? Points of interest or engagement? Thanks so much!

I'd also like a slot for tomorrow, please. Apparently the post I tried to make yesterday didn't go through on mobile. Glad I checked back again.

I really need to develop my sense of this better. I feel like I'm usually paranoid about things coming across as over the top emotionally, or about emotional description interfering with conveying information (which we know I already need to work on), and then they quite often end up quite flat. I almost need to do an informational editing pass and a separate emotional editing pass. And then a trimming-back-the-extra-wordiness-those-added-in pass. Hooray! Progress! Now to keep it continuing... It seems like most of your notes echo what the others have said as well, so it looks like I've got my work cut out for me. Thanks so much!