C_Vallion

I think part of it is just that the full cast that we are aware of all seem to be closely connected to a sort of weird extent. I think just seeing some people who aren't either part of A's mystery organization or being actively targeted by said organization will be helpful. I don't think it will be as obvious without this as the prologue, but at the moment, my mind couldn't help but sort of go "isn't there anyone in this world that is just a poor innocent bystander going about their normal life?" Which hits especially hard when the two sides of the equation are currently very secretive. So it feels like everyone is either a secret magical creature hunter or a magical creature being secretive. I'm pretty sure my mind twisted it way out of proportion, but figured it was worth mentioning as a sticking point.

Overall: Somehow in all of my YA reading, I never got into much of the paranormal side of it. So be warned that my reading will probably reflect that. 1. I’m definitely interested in where this is going, though I would probably be really confused if I opened a book expecting it to be YA romance and ended up starting here. Especially if we then don’t see him for quite a while. I think that plus the present tense would be tough step for me to get over if I didn’t have it recommended by someone whose reading tastes I trust or if I was going into it without knowing the purpose of starting here. That being said, I think the chapter itself is engaging. I enjoyed the dialogue and am really interested in seeing where the main story fits into the world this sets up. 2. I got the impression that he’s assuming her to be some creature that isn’t capable of lying. And her behavior seems to confirm that. But I’m not familiar enough with mythological creature categories to know what that plus healing abilities implies. 3. I’d probably find it a little jarring, but I think it could be smoothed over if there’s some way to have some interaction with either him or the trouble he’s been causing elsewhere in the first few chapters. 4. I don’t think so? But I have a lot to learn on this front, so I’d put more value on others’ answers to that. 5. Definitely I read this yesterday and am trying to remember what LBL thoughts I had. There weren’t many. B’s rather simplistic comment about rich people being incompetent seemed to stuck out as odd. Hating rich people? Especially those she blames for enabling the opioid epidemic? That makes sense. And I don’t blame her. But assuming rich people in general are incompetent seems like an overly simplistic opinion for her to have as an intelligent and educated person. Also, while I already distrust the deputy, since he seems to be on A’s side, his dismissal of parental instinct seems unrealistic. Especially since he is a parent. Even if he is part of some organization that is hunting down various magical creatures and is generally just not a great person, I’d expect him to dig into the manipulation/threat possibilities of a parent/child relationship instead of discarding it altogether. The deputy’s involvement with A when his daughter is dating B’s son seems weirdly coincidental without any other information (I guess it’s possible that he found out about B through conversations with his daughter or her son, then sent A after her? Or the girlfriend was part of it from the start and is only dating him to get more information about B? The one line does imply that she’s involved. But I’m not sure how getting them to break up makes sense…). My mind probably latched onto it more than it had to, but I remember having a skeptical moment during the phone call.

Pg 1: “It had most definitely…not” The most disappointing of surprises. When snacks are not where they are supposed to be. The invitation text does a good job of setting up the alternate earth location. Though I wonder about “Newly” being included in the full proper name (according to the acronym/initialism). Is the NES newly unified? Or has it always called itself by the full proper name and plan to continue to do so for the foreseeable and distant future? “back into their pocket, and stood” missing comma. Pg 2: “Ser walked…” trying to figure out the blocking here. I’d pictured them crouched facing a river, but feel like I need some indication of turning to walk. “Soft…face.” The hair description seems a little too long. Too many words before we get to “framed” “…arched, but a grin brightened his face” missing word? Also, it seems odd to contrast an arched eyebrow and a grin with “but” when those don’t seem to be contradictory expressions. “more of a supper.” Approaching the supper vs. dinner terminology dispute head-on. Bold. Some of the dialogue through here seems a little wordy for casual conversation. And I can’t get a good read on the relationship between the two. The descriptions suggest physical attraction from Ser-‘s side, but the thoughts/narrative/etc. don’t give indication of whether it’s one-sided, if they’re in a relationship or some other situation. Ser-‘s line before being hugged makes it seem sort of like they aren’t expecting the hug, though E-‘s response makes it seem like a natural/normal occurrence. If Ser- is just not the type to initiate physical contact and E- is, the exchange there makes sense, but I think it could use some clarification. “Elementals could…puppet.” While it seems to make sense to use terms like ambassadors and diplomats here, it implies more formality and training and the like than I’ve gotten the impression of from Ser- so far. Even if their mom seems to be somebody important. I hadn’t really gotten that Ser- is an ambassador, even after the implication that they are a mage. Pg 3: “…when As- made them trail…” Is this a typo? Or just something that we don’t understand yet? Right now I’m reading it as the former. “…plucked the invitation out of the claw…” helpful crab friend. Though why didn’t they just stick the invitation in their pocket instead of dropping it? I’d assumed they were trying to hide it from E-. But that’s obviously not the case. “…slab of rock they’d been sitting on…” slab of rock? Where’d that come from? Seems like some of the conversation about the missing ambassador could be cut back. Pg 4: I’d like to know more about these sea monsters, please (obviously not here, but I do like a world where sea monsters are casually mentioned as a real thing.) “time for their rule” This seems like a thing that should be stated very early. Not having any idea how the government works or how the world is set up beyond what we get in the invitation, it would be helpful to know what their mom’s position is and that it’s hereditary (or at least that they have been chosen as the next leader) and that the term “rule” is more relevant than “lead” or “guide” or some other similar role. At the moment, the phrase is contradicting the image I have of the world. I guess the word heir was used in the invitation, but not knowing what Mom’s role is, I had taken it as Ser- being some sort of heir to her magical knowledge or powers or something. Why do only women live on the solar barges? How does one become a solar-barge-woman? Pg 5-7 seem like they could be cut back a good deal. Pg 7: “Do you have coordinates?” Would coordinates be more helpful than a general heading and distance? Seems like an odd request if they aren’t navigating with a map or some technology. Pg 8: The physical description seems extensive. Though, considering my approach to most physical descriptions (leaving them out altogether without noticing), that may just be me. Pg 9: “…got stuck in the winds…”For someone who I’ve assumed from the rest of the chapter to have a good deal of power and authority, he doesn’t seem to be incredibly competent or well-informed. Continuing on, he seems like a bit of a heavy-handed caricature. Pg 9-11 A lot of this seems like it could be cut back or streamlined. Pg 12 “Because you’re wise.” This seems like an odd response to Ser-‘s comment about fearing magic. Is fearing magic wise, then? Do they actually fear magic? Or does Mom see it as a cautious respect that she sees as wisdom? Overall: I am quite intrigued by the magic system and the world, but don’t know where we are going from here. If they are leaving home, why the opening scene with E-? Who I assume will be staying behind. Also, what exactly is the invitation to? What does representing V-P mean? The jump from rescuing the ambassador to talking to Mom seemed jarring, and the whole rescue seemed like a roundabout way to convey the details that not all elementals act the same and not all ambassadors are good at their jobs. It’s hard to say what needs to be here or doesn’t without knowing where things are going, but it could definitely use reworking to trim back and streamline the information that is presented to make sure that we are only getting what is necessary. (said the pot to the kettle) I am sympathetic to the hints at Ser-‘s character and concerns that I’m getting, but I don’t have a good sense of their motivations or goals.

Epigraphs: I generally have pretty mixed feelings about epigraphs anyway, so that doesn’t help, but these mostly just seemed confusing and a little disorienting. I assume these would be more meaningful if I’d read the previous books, but I can’t place most of the details, so they don’t mean much to me. And a couple of them just seem really long. Chapter 3 Start Pg 3: “Not Or…flying.” The structure of both of these sentences made me have to slow down to process them. Seems like they could be smoothed out a little. “Hero?...magnitude” This does a great job of calling us back to her goals, though, which I think is especially helpful with the time jump. Pg 4: “She sat…At-“ On one hand, this sentence is really long. But I like her making reference to At- here as well. Lets us know that the scene in the previous chapter turned into a longer-term relationship. Pg 5: “The material was not…cost” Another sentence that could be smoother. Or split into two. The list of material qualities and the purchasing details would each be fine on their own, but doesn’t flow as well when combined. Pg 6: “Cellulose loss…hold?” The shift from cellulose-related warnings to the last sentence was a little jarring. I’d initially read “body” as some curse I didn’t understand. Keeping the structure pattern through that paragraph, maybe just “Cellulose loss…Cellulose loss… Body. Did…” or something like that, if we’re listing something along the lines of sensor readout. Pg 10: “She finished laughing…” The previous paragraph made it clear that the ship name was notable, but not necessarily that she found it funny. So the jump to the laughing and casual conversation seems sudden. Pg 11: “…my tech knowledge is dated… do you have any idea…” This gives me a far better idea of her level of knowledge. Though it does make me wonder why she wasn’t more concerned about the cellulose depletion coming in, if she had no idea why it was happening. The dialogue also does a much better job of clarifying the undertones of the conversation this time around, making the pauses and concerns about offending and the like a lot more understandable. Pg 12-13: Approximately a million times clearer than the previous version. Pg 14: “The … Pru- (maybe??) …” I’m not sure what the maybe is second-guessing or why. “Still, pretty woman. Bar…” Hah. Might as well make the best out of the situation, right? Pg 16: “They won’t want anything…” Also hugely helpful in explaining why the Ke- isn’t more concerned about leaving her. Pg 17: “How could she be so close…” Oof. Pg 18: Her distraction from apparent death and destruction makes far more sense this time around. Pg 19: “I can … have an existential crisis…” Best to plan these things out. Overall: I think this solved all of the problems I remember having with the previous version. The stakes aren’t getting bogged down in confusion, the conversation with the Ke- is clear, and her goal of heroically proving At- right comes across far more clearly.

Good luck!

So by being late to the party, it looks like everyone caught the typos and sentence flow sorts of comments that I had noticed, and you addressed them in your post above. I really enjoyed this chapter as an introduction to G4. I think it is far more helpful than having her introduced out on her own, especially with the tie to At-. I didn't see any issues with At- seeming too mature or thoughtful for her age. I do think it tells us more about At- than it does about G4 in some ways, but I don't know if that's a bad thing. Especially if it works as a sort of mid-point to get to G4's PoV. It tells us about who At- was as a kid, and it tells us enough about G4 to keep our first interaction with her from being her sitting in space on her own. A) do you think it is necessary (there was a lot of 'why is G4 doing this I don't understand the connection, and I think this helps??) I don't know if it's necessary, but I think it's helpful, and I think it adds a lot of color to the other chapter. And I just like it. So there. B.) should it come before or after last week's sub Before. C) does it need shortened or lengthened? Make it snappier, or make it more intricate with maybe a real plot? I like it as it is. I think it's fun and presents the characters vividly. See the notes above about it seeming like an interesting halfway point between At- and G4. A baton pass of sorts that makes for an interesting perspective of the new character. But I think if it were too much longer, we'd want it to be more focused on G4. Also, maaaaybe finding a way to imply when we later reference the relationship that there's more than this one interaction? Which I wasn't getting from her glance at the photo in the settee last time. But that's not relevant to this chapter. Not a lot of useful things to point out, since everyone else beat me to them, but I enjoyed this one

Good clarification I figured there wasn't a specific request day. It just feels early because I think this is the first week I've been around that anyone has put in a request before Friday. And also because my brain is running a day behind and exaggerating the feeling.

Pg 1: “Count Cr-…had invited the L- family…” tense is off. Same thing a little later “Before A- had taken to tending… the wine the L- produced had been…” This happens a few other times as well. Just be careful anytime you’re referring to what happened before what A- is currently experiencing. Pg 2: I was a little surprised by the mother and sister appearing on page 2. Not a huge issue, but it’s a little jarring when page 1 set up an image of just father and son in the carriage. I think it’s just the “sat self-satisfied…his son” line. It doesn’t say they’re the only ones in the carriage, and the family is mentioned, but it might be helpful to get all of the family members into our mental picture from page 1. Pg 4 I’d taken A- for far younger than seventeen up until this point. Partly due to the knee patting at the beginning, I think. That interaction makes him seem far younger Pg 5-7 Some jarring shifts between scenes or points of conversation that could be smoothed over to seem more natural. “cause to celebrate” – this seems to imply that he’s now going to change his plans to do something special, but he just calls the food in? “there’s nothing to fear”- Does A- not think to mention that maybe his startling trip to the privy might be worth mentioning to someone? Considering the unexpected invitation to stay? Seems to be a concerning lack of alarm. Pg8-14 Treatment of female characters and tonal confusion aside, there is a lot through here that just need some of the wordiness and over-formality of the language ironed out to make it a lot smoother. The tension and stakes are there, but tripping over some of the wording and explanations along the way is interfering with it. Pg 11 Knowing something about Mr. G- earlier would be a big help. A- noting his absence in some way. Maybe tying his disappearance to his sometimes seeming like he’s hiding things. Also, maybe giving G- a reason to have stuck around until then. Maybe he was going to escape but overheard that there would be more people coming. Or specifically the L-s. Pg 14 Need something to separate the PoV jump. Are we going to be jumping to other PoVs regularly? Overall: There were a number of distracting moments due to awkward sentence structure and wordiness (a lot of adjective piles. A lot of overly formal dialogue). I’d taken some of it as an attempt to push a gothic setting/genre, but reading through the comments, it seems like that’s not what it’s ultimately going to be. If it’s going to be a more general YA/fantasy, I think some of the flow and tone of the text should be smoother and simpler. Not simplistic, but a little less of the formality and tone that are pushing the gothic feel. Especially because the over-formality is likely part of what is making some parts jarring and stilted. I haven’t read too many things where our MCs are trying to fight off and/or defend themselves against demons, so I’m quite curious about where things are going, but I definitely think we need more character connection to be invested. And a lot of that is lost in the formality and distance of the language. I have very little idea of what even our MC’s thoughts are on any of what’s happening unless he’s actively speaking (or being sick or fainting) More alright for a Gothic approach, but if you’re aiming for a YA feel, even if it’s Gothic-tinged, I think this is a lot more darkness and description of gore and implied rape than I’d expect to appeal to fit a YA audience. I’m definitely interested in seeing where this goes. Especially since you’re saying it changes directions tone-wise quite a bit from here.

Me, as well, if we're all jumping in early this week.

I'd also like a spot for Monday if available. Thanks!

Pg 1: I know it’s an established thing at this point, but I still can’t help but imagine flying sofas every time I see “settee.” Even though I have already gone through and discovered that the term has ship connections as well. Do you have any sort of ship descriptions/sketches somewhere so that I can try to replace the current image in my head with what it should actually look like? [edit: the description later is helpful] “She had no…bursts.” The structure of this sentence is a little confusing. “she’d gotten only…corpses.” That’s gotta be a disappointing outcome. “Debris floated…bipedal.” I think even knowing what a good deal of the debris is made up of, the second sentence’s implied “Some [of the debris] were…” is jarring. Seems like the sort of thing that could be intentionally jarring, to imply a disconnect between the "debris" and the people the debris once was. But my first instinct is to see it as grammar being off. Pg 2: “There was no…magic.” Calling out the tech’s capabilities and limitations. Check. (it was not…) : I think the full phrase in the parentheses seems like too complete a thought to fit comfortably into the rest of this line. Cutting it to (not the Ne-) seems like it might flow better as a sort of side-thought addition to the description. But then, my own biases against parentheses doesn’t help. Biases in reading them anyway. I balance that out by using far too many in other areas. Oops. Pg 3: “no wormholes to where…” Wondering if it makes more sense to cut “to” out of this, or if this is a more common way to refer to this travel than I’m aware of. I generally think of the wormholes in terms of end points marking the path in-between, not the path itself. The path would go to some other point, but I don’t think of the wormhole itself as being directional in that way. Not sure if that makes sense. I might be overthinking it, but it jumped out as being off. “…her arrival. She turned her attention…” Why is she suddenly turning to look at the picture? It seems like an odd course of action to pursue immediately following some whining about technology. Reaching for the “turn off the sensor, I don’t care if the ship is falling apart” button? Which happens to be next to the picture? Pg 6: “There was a long pause…” I have…concerns. Pg 8: “I have to stay.” Now I have different concerns (I’d been expecting unfriendliness from our mystery ship). And also, questions. Wasn’t she going to go do repairs and come back anyway? Why not just get towed out and come back later? Her goal of gathering biological materials seems to have a solution in going with him. She mentions needing “proof,” but I have no idea what that means, when it seemed like her plan was to gather up the samples and find her proof in them later after they’d been analyzed. I didn’t get the idea that she was looking for any other proof that would be more important than living to search another day. Pg 10: “You’ve been in transit for half a decade…haven’t got time for more.” He’s obviously in a rush to get out of there, knowing that he’s leaving her helpless and in the targets of whatever it is that he’s running away from. But he’s still talking about what she’ll find when she gets some news updates and can process what’s going on? The urgency to get out of there and the practical information for the future don’t seem to match up. Unless he’s already in the process of dragging her out of there even though she has told him not to (though I assume the message coming from deep space later implies this is not what happened). And if that’s the case, I would have expected more arguing with her decision to stay there before ignoring her opinion. If her being left there with a broken ship isn’t practically a death sentence, why is he in such a rush to get out? He seems like he was willing to be helpful. But not so helpful that he is going to say anything to make her change her mind when she wants to stay behind in her broken ship. Helpful enough to help her start working through the philosophical/religious/etc. significance of what she has already found, even without the samples she wants. But not so helpful that he’s going to strongly recommend leaving the area so that she gets a chance to actually process those things. So… I’m not sure if I’m missing something significant that makes these things line up better, but right now there seems to be disconnect between how he’s interacting with her and what the stakes seem to be. If sticking around is a death sentence, why isn’t he suggesting she change her mind? Unless he just isn’t that concerned, in which case his interactions seem too friendly. If there aren’t significant risks to sticking around, why is he in such a rush to get out? And why can’t she just go back to her previous plan of coming back later for more samples? Pg 11: “The computer’s …alarm” This seems like a practical alarm to have. Overall: Pages 1-6 or so seem clear enough and interesting. Good introduction of a new viewpoint. I definitely think the overall ties to Pr- are clear enough to tie it all together well, and don’t feel lost by the change. I think my comments about on 6-10/11 or so cover my main concerns/confusion with the chapter. I don’t have any problem with the multiple new PoVs one after another. I like getting a handful of perspectives when there’s good reason for it, and usually think it’s weirder to find that out once I’ve gotten further into the story. If we’re going to have a number of PoVs, I’d rather have that established in the first few chapters. My bigger concern is usually more related to making sure that the jumping-back-in points are smooth. If, for an entirely random example, a chapter ends on someone about to be blasted out of space, I’m more concerned about where we’re going to pick up that viewpoint again to make sure that I’m able to follow any time/place jumps if there were PoV jumps in-between.

I'd like a spot for Monday too, if possible.

Somehow I missed this comment entirely. Good thing I went back to check. Thanks! I'll send a message.

I got the impression that there was some sort of problematic theocracy going on, but it wasn't clear what/where that government was since we haven't seen that part of their motivation yet. That's an entirely fair reason for Tik- to be jaded, but I think it would be helpful to make sure it's called out. Just to make sure it's based in something instead of coming across as being flippantly dismissive of any culture or species with a religious worldview. There were some descriptions, but I didn't have an actual character to tie it to. So I had vaguely been aware that the sad- were a thing and a species of that description was a thing, but had them in two separate spots in my brain. I figured they were probably the same one after reading this chapter, but that was more because we only seem to have the four different species at the moment than because I remembered it.

Overall: I still like Tik-‘s PoV better than Ek-‘s, and I like getting to see their character a little better, but I don’t think there are enough concrete things going on here. We get hints of things (suspicions of this “new” Ek-. Some biological information about Tik- and friends. Tik-‘s concerns over the sad-‘s religiosity), but I’m not sue where those things are going, and there wasn’t much moving us forward along the “setting up the new government” track. I’m still curious about what’s going on and where things are going, but could have used a little more from this chapter to focus us in that direction. Pg 1: The literal vs. figurative fire issue again. I like that it’s brought back at the end of the scene, but it still needs to be clearer up front that they’re not literal. Pg 2: “Gy- continued to frown…made her sick.” I’m not sure what she means by Gy- acting grateful or making a show of subservience. He doesn’t really seem to be doing those things. Restraining his anger, maybe, but I don’t see leaving it to a vote as being subservient. It just seems to go along with the lines of the laws and committees that should be guiding their choices. Pg 3: “good at being male” I’m not sure what is implied by this either. Not good at what? Do they have different social norms they’re supposed to be holding to when either male or female? Or are they trying to hold to one constant social norm, but find it more difficult when either male or female? I’m going to leave most of the sex/gender comments to @kais, because they put already put some of that into far clearer terms than my vague sense of concern would have gotten to. But I’m not sure what being good or bad at being male is supposed to mean even before we dig into those other questions. Pg 4: Every time I see “sad-”, my brain immediately goes to these guys: https://twilight-imperium.fandom.com/wiki/Sardakk_N'orr which is not entirely your fault, but I think it’s because I don’t have a good picture of what they actually look/act like in my head yet. We’ve seen the humans. We’ve seen Tik- and his/her/their people (would they use “they” for a single individual over a stretch of time when they’ve been both male and female? Or some other pronoun?). But we haven’t interacted with these guys as directly yet. Pg 5: “Religion shouldn’t have a place…” and “…shouldn’t inform their vote…” I always get a little antsy when these sorts of comments get thrown around without context. With context detailing why the narrator’s worldview is starkly a-religion/anti-religion (or whatever the appropriate term would be) and therefore makes them naturally suspicious of anyone who is not? Sure. But right now, I don’t know enough about Tik- to get where the blanket statement is coming from. Their opposition to Ek- seems to be painting them as some sort of marginally-antagonistic force, but they seem to be the main one actually trying to get things done. Without some basis for Tik-‘s thoughts, I have concerns about the implication that the things people believe about whatever higher powers they look to can be extricated from the rest of their worldview. It just seems overly simplistic for a practical, intelligent character. Even if Tik- just really hates religions. Does it make sense that they are angry about the sad- are voting based on declared godhood? Oh yeah. But I think the anger should probably be directed at the religious beliefs themselves that are making them vote that way, not the intersection of religion and politics. If the religion itself is problematic and doesn’t have good reason to declare Ek- as a god (we assume this, but we don’t know anything about how the sad- came to this decision, so I don’t know for sure), go ahead and have them tear it apart for those reasons. That it’s inconsistent. That it’s provably false. That it’s illogical. But flatly trying to separate any and all religious beliefs from politics seems very simplistic if the world is full of various and varied religious beings. Especially when Tik- seems to have dreams of all of those varied beings working together and combining their knowledge.

Things we have collectively realized: I need a better starting point for my story. The main problem: Weekly submissions are wonderful, but the way things currently are, I think I'm going to get a lot of similar feedback up until the inciting incident, which is currently too far into the book. Something I know I've had to fix for a while, and have improved a little bit, but need eyes that haven't seen it before, because my brain is too stuck in the block of the way things currently are, even though I know that there are some big things that don't actually have to be that way. For example. The ball? Not really important. It was in draft 1 way back when, but is now mostly just relevant because it brings all of the nobility into the capital at once, and is a chance to show some character interactions. But it takes up far too much space, and the way things are set up now, has to come before the inciting incident. Because birthday ceremony things. I need to either 1. Find a better lead-in incident for chapter 1 to get us through until the inciting incident. or 2. Get to the inciting incident and work back from there to figure out how to lead into it more quickly. And probably ditch the first few chapters altogether and start them from scratch. And that's not something that week-to-week feedback seems aimed at addressing. At least not until after a few weeks of frustration for all involved and then discarding a bunch of feedback that people spent a lot of time on. So! Is anyone up for doing a readthrough of Part 1 (about 36k words including the prologue) of my story to specifically help with addressing this angle of things? I'm glad to do an exchange if people have things they'd like me to look at.

Pg 1: +1 for ship names. “at least two hundred and twenty-three years” why 223? “at least” makes me expect a rounder number. Unless the species we’re talking about here uses a sort of prime-based counting system where they round to prime numbers instead of base-10 where we’d round to 200. Or at least 220. I am all for prime-based counting systems (Now I sort of want it to be that. Is that a recognized sci-fi thing? After all, base-10 always seemed to be very clearly related to the fact that humans have ten fingers and ten toes, so counting seems to start there. But that doesn’t make sense for species that would base numerical systems on something else. Primes seem like a more universal concept to base a common system on… maybe this is why I don’t read as much sci-fi. I get too distracted by the actual math and science details). If that’s not the case, 223 sticks out as too intentionally chosen for the phrasing. Is it 223 years? Or is it “at least” that and probably more? Then we go to the 200+ years in the next sentence, which makes more sense. As long as we are keeping with base-10. And now that I have spent far more time talking about math-theory than most people are likely to be interested in, I will move on. First paragraph has a lot of new names, which I didn’t have as much trouble with as I’d feared at first glance. The simple sentences make it easier to digest. But the phrasing of the “It had write-ups…related to.” sentence made that one take a pause and slow re-read of to figure it out. I think the repetition of “that…” phrases one after another made me lose track of where we are. “Yesterday…” Oh. Oops. That’s unfortunate. “…her missing past.” I think calling out Sal-’s name here would be helpful. My first thought was that we were talking about Pr-‘s missing past, since we opened talking about some of its history and at this point, I don’t read enough sci-fi to know if planets are ever referred to in gendered terms. [edit: on a second read-through, I realized that the “along with another piece…” in this sentence comes across to me as there still being something else in addition to the Pr- data that got buried away at the same time, which doesn’t seem right. Seems like something closer to “There went another piece…” or something along those lines might be more accurate? Unless I’m misreading.] “Captain…what.” Another sentence that seems to have a little too much information in it. I think just splitting it up a little might help? My first readthrough had understood it as Y being the “owner of [the ship and “her boyfriend/…”]”, not “[owner of the ship] and her boyfriend/…” so I’d thought we had Y, Sal, her boyfriend, and Nick. This was clarified before too long, but was jarring and a little confusing. Pg 2: “S- who…had ever managed.” Extra word. Pg 3: “I SAW YOU IN THE DATABASE…” How big of a problem is this? I’d gotten the impression that she was poking around in places she wasn’t supposed to be, so being caught at it seems like something she should be more concerned about. I don’t have a good idea of what the implications are of a mar- catching someone in the database means. Is it a matter of happening to stumble upon her? Is it the mar-‘s job to be sort of policing the files? Were they waiting for her specifically to dig into the file? Do Sal- and Pi- know each other? Sal- seems pretty rude when my first thought was that she was already in trouble. Pg 4: Pi-‘s name seems to switch between nh and hn Pg 6: “…will explode my head…” explode seems like an odd active verb choice. That may not be quite the right term. I’m guessing that there is some implied species-related ability that I’m not aware of, where this verb choice is intentional, but it just sounds funny to me without confirmation of that. Overall: There were a few spots where the information was conveyed a little too quickly for me to absorb it all, but overall, things were pretty clear considering the amount of new information it gets across. I don’t trust the Ris-, and expect things to go wrong with this little mission (besides, where’s the story if things aren’t going to go wrong?). I know Sal- is mostly just hopeful about the opportunity, but it seems odd that she’s not more suspicious about the random message and big request from Pi-. Unless it’s more expected than I’m understanding. She’s reluctant to change things, but I’d expect more concern about the Ris- not following through on their promises if it’s such a big opportunity. Especially when the only response to her asking what they want is the vague “to atone for the past.” Which is kind of them, but it seems like actual atoning for past behaviors wouldn’t be hinged on making rather significant demands of her. Beyond that vague feeling of things not seeming to quite match up, I really enjoyed the chapter, and am excited to see where things go

This would address part of the chapter that I had missed mentioning, because I hadn't been able to put the right words to it. When Ir has such strong relationships with her friends and family, this seems like the sort of big life decision that she would want to seek out their advice on, even if she thought they weren't going to be pleased about it. The hiding it altogether for as long as she can just doesn't ring true to the closeness of those relationships to me. Recent events might have her a little extra cautious about approaching it delicately, but I haven't gotten an impression of stubborn independence that would insist on making a decision on her own without taking the advice of the people she loves. By giving an answer that she then second-guesses, it makes a little more sense for her to fear bringing it up to them, if she thinks they're going to hate it. If you'd still want to touch on how her different social circles respond (in smaller doses), you could then show her friends' excitement that she's going with them, which would make it that much more difficult to tell her family. To be excited to go. And would also give an opportunity to show the relationship growth between her and the friends depending on how they support her as she tries to explain to her family. And now my thoughts are also rambling, so I'll just leave that there.

First of all, congratulations on posting through this! I wish I’d joined in a little earlier to have seen more of it, but have really enjoyed the past few weeks of reading it! Good luck with Draft Four! I'll be looking forward to reading this the whole way through at some future point when it's ready for that. Starting 3/4 of the way into a fun story is frustrating. Overall: I think most of my overall thoughts are similar to what others have said. Condensing this down into one chapter would improve things a lot. As would removing some of her indecisiveness. Have her be conflicted about it, and have the messages she’s getting from friends and family complicate things, but her changing her mind half a dozen times is frustrating. Especially when we all have a good idea of what she’ll be choosing. There’s a new, exciting place to go. The readers want to find out about the new, exciting place. Pg 1: Opening line could use some clarification on the greeting. Especially since we don’t know where we’re at yet other than a table. Is this dinner? Casually hanging out? Intentionally romantic? Just how they greet each other? Since I haven’t seen her and J interacting much, I don’t really have a good sense of where their relationship is at the moment, which doesn’t help, but having a clearer idea of what constitutes a (after reading a couple mores lines) typical greeting when they’re in public among friends can say a lot about how comfortable they are with one another. In regard to things that most people won’t care about, but it stuck out to me: The board gamer in me has questions about the setup of the s- game in regard to seating and the like (among other things, but we’ll start with that). The first line has Ir and J sitting next to each other along one side of the table. L is here as well, presumably opposite them? That seemed fine until we got to the fact that there is a game involved, and then I’m immediately wondering about the setup of the game. How many players does the game usually play? Does it use a board? Cards (though, with animals, probably no. But something equivalent?)? Dice? Is there flexibility in the number of players? Different boards for different player counts? All of those things are going to imply practical seating layouts that might make “taking a seat beside J” make less sense if they’re both playing. Though if it’s a two-player game and they’re playing as a sort of team, that could be a possibility. Again, likely not a thing most people care about, but knowing the physical layout of things might be helpful. Especially when we get to the middle of the next page and find out M is there and playing too. Also, if they are common games, I wouldn’t capitalize. You capitalize Settlers of Catan or Monopoly, but not chess, checkers, poker, etc. Pg 2: Most abstract games would be pretty straightforward to play by mail, even with minimal drawing skills. Correspondence chess has been around a long time. “placed down her piece” -> put down her piece or placed it, placed down sounds a little funny. Also, what are the pieces? Wood? Shells? Metal? Very small rocks? Also, “pieces”: There’s is a line about Ir toying with a game piece on pg 1, one about M placing a piece here, then in the next line we get J waving a piece of cheese, which is weirdly jarring when we are actively playing a game where the pieces have not been described as anything but “pieces” yet. A few lines later we get L tapping a scale on the table. I’m assuming that’s one of the game pieces, but don’t have any idea what it looks like, and the sudden specialized name for it seems to imply it’s something different. I think calling them that earlier, and giving us some indicator for what they are/look like would be a big help. The conversation between J and Ir on Pg 2-3 brings me back to being unsure of the physical layout of the scene. I thought they’d been sitting next to each other, but the discussion here and the physical descriptions seem like they’d be more natural if they’re across from each other. Or at 90 degrees from each other. And now, after 500 words about nit-picky game things that most people won’t be worried about, I digress. Pg 3-5: I honestly don’t see too much argument for her staying. I mean, family is wonderful. And I’m sure she’s going to be a little extra clingy about them after all that has happened recently, but it’s not like she’ll never see them again. I’m realizing I don’t know how old Ir is at this point, but she certainly seems to be of the age where splitting away from family a little bit is expected and healthy. Especially if it’s not something she’s expecting to last forever. Did she have any of this internal-conflict regarding the trip she did with the musicians? (I don’t know if there were more than one. I just saw the one with the crystal thievery) Sure, she didn’t have much choice in the matter then, and she missed her family, but I didn’t see her regretting or resenting that time away. It makes sense for her to know how much she’ll miss them, and to hold off telling them the news because it’s going to be bittersweet and painful, but I don’t see the reason for so much indecision. Pg 7: “But what about…spring” I’m not entirely sure I get what Lu was expecting. The first part implies that he’d been assuming that the others would be gone, but the latter part implies that he’d been expecting them to be staying. And either way, I’m not sure what a promise between Lu and J has to do with Ir choosing not to take the job. Caterpillars: I really like this detail, despite the above comment. Seeing significant others naturally incorporated into the family structure always makes me happy. I don’t see nearly enough of it in fiction in any media. And when there is interaction between the love-interest and the family, it’s usually some rom-com trope where everyone resents each other or is lying to impress them or things like that. A million points to you for depicting a family that actually enjoys spending time with each other, and who like the people that the MC likes. “Her family…silent.” The wording of this is jarring. I get what it’s saying, and I think it could be a good show of the contrast to normalcy if worded correctly, but it was confusing here. “Once-in-a-lifetime.” Not once-and-a-life-time “slavery” I get that this is supposed to be how her mother views the situation, but it seems odd considering that the alternative was execution. I mean. Sue would likely be dead now if not for Ir. I could understand some grief and general resentment at the circumstances from mom (or maybe resentment toward TBK) but not as much toward Ir. Pg 8-10 Lots of good family interaction, but I still just don’t buy the indecision. I like the contrast between Lu and Ne’s responses. Both seem realistic for the rough ages I assume they are. Pg 11- You tell her, C. I like C. She’s great. I also think that her “You’re not the nails…” line and the related thoughts are also key for why it’s so weird that Ir is indecisive about this. She has a healthy, supportive family environment, and I haven’t at any point gotten the impression that she feels like she’s that person who holds everything together. It isn’t a clingy, co-dependent family where no one functions without one individual’s presence, it’s one where they trust and help each other, but aren’t going to fall apart with one person missing. Pg 13- Why two weeks from now? Even with all of the questions over indecisiveness aside, I think the amount of time this is all supposed to be taking place over is way too long. Maybe hiding the offer for a few days. Or a week, but it doesn’t make sense that it wouldn’t have slipped out before then. I do think that of the three scenes we’re given, I like the one with C best. But I feel like that shouldn’t be the case, since I know about her ties to her family and friends a lot better. I think the back and forth of the other two scenes was just too frustrating for it to be as enjoyable, but I like C’s practical bluntness shaking her out of her indecision. Hmm…this is not the BK I know. Also, if something were to happen to Ir’s father, I feel like that would be one thing that would give her reason to demand to stay and help her family. Even desperately needing money, I would see her pulling 20-hour days to try to do that and also stay close to the family before choosing to leave them. I think there would be more reliable ways for him to tempt her to go that wouldn’t require going to these extents. Also, I’m not sure what the “Thankfully…father” sentence is saying. Is there something missing or worded incorrectly there? Pg 14- How big of a trunk is this? I generally think of trunks as large enough to require two-person carrying. Pg 15: “Say ‘goodbye,’ P!” This line made me smile. “dashing to her wagon” Oh. Bye, J. Good luck with that trunk! Pg 16: We get the passage of time in them rolling out of sight, but not that they’d stopped playing or that things had quieted down, which makes the transition to their lines here a little jarring. The last lines also aren’t quite as powerful as conclusive/satisfying as they could be. This has been a lot of fun to read! Best of luck with your continued work on it!

Can I have a spot for Monday? I think I've made enough changes to Chapter 1 to give it some of the direction and motivation that it was lacking before, but wasn't sure how to deal with submitting this week. I'd like to do some combination of Chapters 1 and 2 (for those who are understandably tired of chapter 1. I know. I am too), but including all of both chapters would push it up near 6-6.5k words, and the first five pages are similar enough to the previous versions that I'm hesitant to make anyone read it again with critiquing in mind. It's trimmed and refocused, but probably not worth having people read too thoroughly a third time through. My thought is to include the last two-thirds of Chapter 1 (a sort of Chapter 1- Part B) plus Chapter 2 to fit the 5k limit, but wasn't sure if that would be weird or confusing? Or if it would make sense to include a "Fully optional, please don't read this if you don't want to read about birds and deities again" file that just has that first third of chapter 1 in it in case anyone wants the extra clarification. As the people who will be doing the reading, does anyone have thoughts on what the most helpful/least confusing way to approach this would be?

Overall: WAY clearer than last time all around. A lot of the details that threw me off last time were incorporated more smoothly and closer to the front, so I didn’t get stuck in incorrect assumptions. I had a much better sense of why the plants were important both religiously to Ne’s planet and as a resource to everyone else. I remember that being a frustration point last time. Last time I’d gotten to the end and thought there were some interesting things but was too overwhelmed to continue from there. This version is much less confusing, the length is much more appealing, and it would make me far more excited to keep reading. Pg 1: “A year into…” I don’t get what prompted this comment. Pg 2: “The barrier film…” Three Ris- based words in two sentences is a lot. Pg 4: “Ne- laughed…” on one hand, I like that I have a much clearer idea of what is going on with this paragraph included, but it seems like a lot for her to be reciting back to Ke if it’s already known. Up to “supposed to be dead” is probably fine, but after that it seems a little maid/butler-y. Pg 8: I think it’s a lot easier to see Ap as having a poor grasp of Common this time around. She still seems pretty fluent, but the self-corrections get the point across well. Pg 9: “Do you or…” I was confused about who was talking here and on the next line at first glance. Pg 13: Getting the reason she was kicked off the planet here further convinces me that we don’t need it in the conversation with Ke on Pg 4. Pg 14: I seem to remember getting a stronger emotional connection when she was asking about her mother last time. Was there some reaction between her uncle saying that he's only allowed to ask about the holy books and her "Well, does the Book..." question before? I feel like we need some pause for a reaction there. Thanks for sharing! Looking forward to continuing with this.

Fine with me, as well.

Can I have a slot for the 25th as well?

So I read through this first yesterday, which was probably a mistake, because it was a rather mentally and emotionally draining day, which definitely made all of the emotional detachment and pain and processing just flat out exhausting. I read through it again today, and still think that some of it goes on a little too long, but it's hard to say how much of that is just being colored by the original reading. All of that being said: Pg 1: “Ir had always…sea” – This hits home for me. I really like this comparison, even though I haven’t actually read any of the sections that touch on J’s history. Grim -> grime Pg 2: “filled the air” – filled the space? Air seemed odd to me, though it probably pushes a detached floating feeling? So…. *shrug* Pg 4-5: I like a lot of the worldbuilding description in the funeral scene, but I think a lot of the emotional detachment goes on a little too long. It’s done well, and it feels real, but it’s a long time to be in Ir’s detached/disoriented brain Pg 6: I like the short, to the point sentences around Sue’s decision. I think it gets the point across of that being the only thing that Ir really cares about at the moment. “the city was…tired.” I feel that line extra hard this week. Ugh. Pg 7: “Ir stepped… see you at the gate.” I was having trouble picturing what exactly was going on here the first readthrough. It took a lot of slowing down to really piece things together for some reason. Pg 8: “I hate her” wouldn’t she hate Sue more if she’d not chosen the mines? I get some amount of grief shifting to irrational anger, but it seems a little odd here. Then again, there’s something about the whole exchange between J and Ir here that seems a little off to me. He’s not quite being dismissive, but it seems a little close to that. Even if we all know Ir doesn’t actually hate Sue, if that’s the emotion that’s seeming most real to her then and there (it doesn’t feel to me like it should quite be that), contradicting it doesn’t seem helpful or supportive. Pg 9: “no heir” This seems like a problem that TBK would have had figured out before now. “Not only was I…” the wording here seems off. Pg 10: Again, the emotional distancing seems like it’s too drawn out. It makes sense that she’s still feeling that way, but the sort of brushed over description of everything that depicts that goes on a little too long. What’s wrong with L’s jokes? “a crutch…feet again.” Isn’t the point of a crutch to stabilize you until you’re able to stand on your own two feet again? As someone who has spent far more time than I’d like on crutches, I would consider them an important part of the early healing process when there’s a chance of giving out under the weight of things otherwise. I think you’re trying to say that he’s not enabling self-pity and wallowing that she might be tempted into, but not being a crutch says something different to me. Pg 16: “her heart breaking” this seemed like an odd line to end on for me. And an odd time to describe something as heartbreaking, considering all of the emotions she’s had going on in these chapters. Being pained and conflicted makes sense, but describing this as heartbreaking after the aftermath of losing T seems off Overall- 1st chapter- a lot of emotional distancing. Some really good emotion and detail that makes us really feel what she’s going through, but it goes on a long time. And I happened to read it on a day when I was already pretty emotionally drained, which probably didn’t help. 2nd chapter- I think having some of the easing back in to things is good. Some of the feeling of the world not waiting up for her. But there’s a little too much of it. I think moving to the kitchen scene to give a few more concrete examples is more helpful. I’m also think the kitchen scene goes along a little too long. I don’t have the emotional attachment to the kitchen that she does (probably because I’ve only read like 6 chapters), so her thoughts about it aren’t as meaningful to us as they would be otherwise. [side note. Oh hey. This is exactly what I’ve been doing in my recent submissions. Oops.] I don’t know how often she reminisces about time in the kitchen. If we get a good picture of it throughout the story, checking back in periodically when things bring up memories, I think the impression I’d get here would be really different. But if we mostly just see it before it’s destroyed at the beginning (I don’t know what chapter that was. But I’m assuming it was early), we’re probably not going to get a huge emotional impact from her reminiscing about specific things here.

May I have a spot for the 18th as well?