C_Vallion

Hello All! Happy Thanksgiving to those in the US. And a more general happy mid-November to all One more chapter to go in Part 2! One retconned detail to mention for this chapter. Planning to shift Ali's earlier focus to have more involvement in the court’s social events. I haven’t figured out where exactly that will put her early goals and motivations yet, but I think I want her arc to more clearly start at being frustrated with her family, then stepping up toward trying to hold them together. Other notes for this chapter. I made some adjustments to it that required some changes to the timeline of this section, but haven’t carried those through yet, so there may be further retcons in the next few chapters adjusting who learns what here. Content Warning: mild language Questions: Anything coming across as confusing and in need of clarification? Do the characters’ actions/motivations/thought processes seem to fit? Any particular spots where the emotional through-line is especially off? I know my first drafts are always a little lacking on that front, but knowing what specific spots don’t seem to be hitting right is helpful. Points of interest or engagement?

Sent!

Should anyone else check in to read: I have a revised version (~5700 words) that I can send over if you want to read the most recent version.

Not this week, but next week. I'll confirm that next weekend, but want to at least verbally commit to it now to give myself something to be accountable to as a deadline.

Hah. I actually meant to go back and change this before submitting, as one of my other readers had a similar response, but I'd gotten stuck in the "But Mrs. Grade-#-English-Teacher said to never use snuck!" ditch. I hate those words that just never sound right... usually I just reword the entire sentence to avoid worrying about it... Thanks for your thoughts!

Hooray! Thanks! Correct. Should probably make it clearer that her goal at the moment is just to get away, and to figure out how to get back again later. There should be a clearer indication in the previous chapter that this isn't the case, but the thought should probably at least cross her mind. Even if she then calls it out as a vain hope. Good to know. I know I was doing a bunch of trimming and moving things around there to get the horse switch detail across without losing the pacing. I'll see if there's anything obvious that might be making it unclear next time I go through it. I was wondering if this would be an issue. Like with the horse change, I was trying to make sure I didn't cut too much of the pacing by stopping to go super in-depth on descriptions. I'll have to look at leaning more toward description next time. Or possibly change the obstacle entirely to make it more obvious. Ultimately, she's not expecting to get away entirely by going under the tree, but just to buy herself a few extra seconds. So, it's a big tree, but mostly just enough of an obstacle that he'd have to slow down to clear it or go around it. As always, thanks so much for the thoughts!

Hi, All! I’d been aiming to get this down to 6k words, but there were too many places where I was worried about removing details that would be necessary for preventing confusion. The title is still a disaster, but it’s better than the previous one. Trying to find something that gets at the main focus of the story but isn’t super confusing at the start has been a challenge. I used a lot of the feedback from April to tighten things up, and am curious to see how those changes come across. The first scene was trimmed back a bit, and some of the worldbuilding/political background details that had been in the middle scene got shifted to the front so that there was a better picture of “Why we’re here” at the start. Some of that is then delved into a bit more in the second scene, but I could use feedback on what feels necessary there, as I still need to do a decent amount of word-cutting to get it down to where it needs to be to submit for class. I also tried to make the transition between Scenes 1 and 2 smoother, but you’ll have to let me know how that’s coming across. So. Questions. What is confusing? What can be trimmed? I tried to err more on the side of clarity to make sure I got the points across, so I’d really appreciate having anything that feels repetitive or like it’s delved into too much pointed out. Is there a better sense of what’s going on starting out? And does the first scene transition into the second more smoothly? Thoughts on the way the spoken language ambiguity is presented at the end of the first scene? Overall thoughts/opinions/engagement level? Thanks!

I'd like a spot for Monday. It might be slightly long, if that's alright. I'm reworking my dieselpunk short story from March/April, but I'm not sure where exactly the word count will end up. Hopefully no longer than 6k words.

Hello All! Sorry for another slightly-late submission. It was just about set to go, then a sad kiddo with a head cold took priority for the day yesterday. This is another chapter that had some major trimming (I think it was near 7k words when I started edits). So there may still be some lingering choppiness from cutting out big sections of text that I'll need a little more distance from to catch. Content Warning: Violence and Gore Questions: Any confusing bits? Especially any spots where blocking and scene layout might be unclear? Do the characters’ actions/motivations/thought processes seem to fit? Points of interest or engagement?

@Silk I'll take a spot for this week if that's alright

1. I think my biggest question in this regard is where you want to focus your effort. If continuing to submit through this takes time away from a project (or revision) you're more excited about, I think it makes sense to put your primary focus on that instead. That being said, I think continuing to submit through this could be helpful just from a learning process—to get more experience and practice with editing under your belt— even if a good deal of it gets scrapped in the end. Especially if there are themes/character archetypes/tone/etc. that will carry over between the two and some of the feedback there on this will be helpful carried over to the other. So ultimately, my not-super-helpful input is that I think it mostly depends where you want to prioritize your time and focus. I'm glad to continue to read through this to the end or to read through another project (similar or unrelated) if you start submitting it instead. 2 & 3 (though, mostly just general commentary, since there would be a lot of overlap between the general comments and the actual question answers) Arch- showing up really threw me off. Especially when some of the conversation there seems to imply that he shouldn't be able to get there on his own, and no one ever really answers the question of how he got there now. I like the grandmother character, but her argument with N goes on a little long, and begins to devolve into a sort of bickering that takes away from her mystique. I also feel like Ao is a little harsh when N is clearly involved in the community if he's bringing things for the kids and running off to visit as often as is implied elsewhere. The conversation between Arch and N/Ao also feels a little exposition-dump-y, but I still don't have a clear idea of what they're talking about. There's a bit of a non-sequitur feel to them all standing there arguing shifting to N and W going off into the woods. I know W has been intentionally distancing herself from N, and realizes she wants to change that. I like that she's intentional about that. But I feel like the kissing scene is a huge jump when I am pretty sure I remember W not having much relationship experience? I'd expect her to still want to move things forward slowly, even if she has intentionally made the decision to move them forward. Or to have some sort of some awkward moments of "I want to be closer, but what does that mean? Where do hands go? Do I just kiss him? Do we hug first? How do these things work?" They seem far less concerned/affected by the fire than I'd expect. If it's engulfing the area, wouldn't they have more difficulty breathing? Also don't see why Ao seems convinced that they have something to do with the fire. Or why she seems to imply that they brought Arch- there on purpose when the guy clearly doesn't like N or W either.

I guess in my head, the "I'm not responsible for M's decisions" is his way of doing that. Good to know it's not hitting like it's supposed to. It's not so much the pride/stubbornness as the emotional distancing and avoiding accountability. Because if he accepts responsibility for his choices, then at least some of his circumstances (along with the family's frustrations with him) are his fault. This would also be an inaccurate perception, but he hasn't allowed himself to see any middle ground between the two. All of that does still need to be brought out better, though. Hah. This seems to be the common opinion. I guess in my conflict-averse mind, fights are almost always silly things to get involved with, so why do we need grander consequences, when clearly any fighting is a bad idea? Clearly, I was wrong, in that everyone wants to see R fight someone and needs to be convinced that there are some reasons he isn't already Yeah. I need to find better ways to make that work better... If it was a book, I feel like a map labeled with relevant titled nobles would be helpful, but that's not really something that makes sense here, and there has to be a better way to make it more intuitive in the text. Maybe even just leaning into Al's lack of knowledge about court social customs to have someone explain to him why R calls him "Tra-" at some point early on, so that the reader knows to pay attention to it? I'll have to think about whether that might work. I wondered if this might be an issue, since it's been quite a while since we've seen her. I'll have to give us some extra grounding details here at the start to make that clearer (something I'm often lacking at the beginning of scenes anyway). My current full draft has 50-ish chapters, though chapters are shorter through the second half (and who knows where renumbering will end up once we get that far). I don't know how that measures up with what you're expecting. I should probably make sure there's more visible progress in this direction as we go, though. Yeah... I haven't figured out how much of this is a big problem that needs a whole overall concept change or how much of it will flow better once I've fixed Part 1 to reflect more active, measurable goals for Is and Al. At the moment, a lot of the intrigue-y parts there aren't nearly as engaging as they need to be because it's not obvious how the pov characters are interacting with what's going on. So I think fixing a lot of that would help the overall impression a lot. It certainly needs some overhauling, but I haven't yet figured out if it's the overhauling I already have in mind or if it's something different altogether. At least I can always rely on R to be engaging

I'm not sure if this is WRS or my failing to explain aspects of the magic system (you know...because I've never done that before...oops) or both. Ultimately, it's not a "I have moral conflicts with this because of my religion" situation so much as a "If you use magic to kill people, you're condemning yourself to the worst corner of hell, and potentially getting yourself violently struck down by the gods if anyone calls you on it on the way." There was supposed to be a line here about wanting to keep him alive for questioning, but that seems to ... not be there. I assume I planned to move it from one paragraph to another and it got lost in the process. I was hoping that the end of the previous Is- chapter would begin to imply the tonal shift, that things were about to get more intense, but that was also...more than a month ago. And probably not as clear of a shift as it should have been. Good to know that this seemed to hit hard as a mentor death equals hero's journey. There are probably components of the hero's journey arc, but those run through the length of a trilogy arc, and not just this book arc. Not sure how other multi-book stories split up those sorts of things... I'll have to look into it a bit.

I definitely have to fix this in the next round of Part 1 revisions, as the "R as irresponsible party boy" image shouldn't be coming across as strongly as it is in this round of revisions. It hits that note strong at the start because Is is frustrated with him at the tournament, but I need to push their relationship more in the direction of R and Is having a near-sibling relationship, where they get on each others' nerves and know precisely what buttons to push when they're irritated with something the other is doing, but do ultimately love and respect each other underneath that. They just wish the other would come over to their side of doing things (Is wishes R would buckle down and follow the rules, and R wishes Is would relax a little for like one minute. And they both know the other is probably right to some extent, but all involved are too proud and stubborn to be the first one to admit it). T does see more than most, because she knows him well and is less willing to let him get away with his stubborn pride than most of his family is (Ali excluded, in general), but their relationship dynamic needs to be brought in earlier as well...considering that she literally doesn't even appear until Part 2 in this version. Ultimately, this exchange should be pushing things in that direction, where Al recognizes that there's more to Is and R's relationship than they let on, and T just wants him to shut up because this isn't exactly a time that R might be receptive to acknowledging that. But without the groundwork for that set out earlier, it hits the wrong notes... And as is often the case, in order to avoid being too heavy-handed about such things, I'm probably not clarifying the implications enough. Al- "Is that wise?" R- “You sound like Is-.” (reflexive, defensive, slightly drunk comment) Al- “Good. She seems like someone you might listen to.” ("clearly, you respect her opinion") T- nervous. “You've never seen them interact, have you?” ("Not a good time to bring up Is, Al.") Al- confused, but gets the point. “So, there’s nothing to keep you from taking good advice from me that you’d be too stubborn to take from her, then?" ("Fine. I also think he's being unwise.") Good to know and good points Ugh. Realizing now that by cutting out the actual fighting, I cut out some of M's gloating in this direction. It should be implying that she's angry that he's going out of his way to blame other people for his choices instead of being accountable himself, which tended to be Grandpa's MO. She's calling him out on the same blame deflecting that he does above when he's refusing to acknowledge his sense of regret. But that may need to be called out better. Another thing I need to get straightened out earlier. Both Al and Ali need more concrete/visible goals in Part 1 compared to what's there now. More things I need to find a way to clarify without being too heavy-handed. I think R acknowledging his regret as such is a little more self-awareness than I generally picture him having, especially when there's alcohol involved. After all, regret (to some extent) requires an admission of guilt. And since T has already acknowledged that he's being ridiculous, he shouldn't have to take that extra step to admit to it. R avoids acknowledging his faults by deflecting by pretending he doesn't care (hence the party-boy persona). Is avoids acknowledging her faults by being the best at everything within her power (hence the stubborn refusals to ask for help. Just like dear old dad). But they're both too proud to acknowledge that their methods of dealing with the world are a problem. That comes to a head down the road, but ideally, the reader should be aware of those character shortcomings at this point even while R and Is refuse to acknowledge them. Any thoughts on how to get more of that across early on? I feel like it fits in with @RedBlue's comments as well. Hah. Yeah. The lack of self-awareness is intentional at this point, because character arc. But if that hits everyone the wrong way, I may have to reconsider some aspects of how that's presented. Thanks so much for your thoughts!

@RedBlue Thanks for the heads up.

This is meant to come across as an exaggerated/myth-ified cultural perception, of the gods cutting off family lines as punishment, but it seems to be coming across too literally, and I don't know if there's a good way to add the necessary context there to make it work (contrasting the two cultural beliefs while hanging a lantern on the detail of "maybe if you hadn't banned your healing magic, you wouldn't have to blame the gods for this") without delaying the more immediate tension even more...ugh. Ugh. I really need to get better at doing a find/replace on this when I'm done with edits. Apparently, over the years, I've just developed the muscle memory to space twice after periods without realizing it. @Snakenaps already yells at me for this regularly. Thanks! Good to know. Both that it's looking better than it was and that I still have more background to cut. I have a feeling I will always have more background to cut. I have some choice words for M. John Harrison... But also some thoughts I'd like your opinion on in that direction. I do know I get too excited about a lot of my background details and include too many of them, but I also think there's a certain amount of background knowledge necessary for a reader to intuit subtleties of cultural and social interactions. It may be "the great clomping foot of nerdism" and "literalizing the urge to invent," but I almost feel like that's one of the reasons I love interesting worldbuilding as a reader. It hits the same part of my brain that lit up when my dad explained to me how refrigerators work when I was a kid and sent me straight off on an engineering and R&D path. This is probably why one of my favorite random details about the Stormlight Archives is Roshar's size/mass reducing its gravitational pull and enabling the development of creatures that would collapse under their own weight in our world (one of my husband's biomechanics classes covered the rough concept of how far an animal can fall and survive based on its size/mass/bone structure. Elephants and giraffes don't do well in those theoretical discussions). I know very few readers are concerned about that side of things, but in general I do think the comparable cultural/social circumstances would spark questions and interest. They might not see a chasmfiend and go "Hey. That seems really weird. Why does that work?" and wonder about what other implications are there. Unless they have a biomechanics/engineering background. But (if presented in the right way) they might see "twins are the gods' way of pruning back a generation" and say "Hey. That seems really weird. Why do they believe that?" and wonder what other implications there are and what it means for the characters they will hopefully care about and how those characters understand their world. In this case, the conflict of "We decided to ban our magic, and now we're blaming the gods for the natural consequences of that. Maybe we need our magic back." Vs. "This guy just got himself and various others killed with his magic usage. Maybe we should double-down on our anti-magic sentiments" is central to the book, so in my head, that worldbuilding detail seems really central to the plot, and is something that only Br, as an outsider, is likely to recognize for what it is. I'm just not sure how to get it to imply the related questions instead of the blunt "that doesn't make sense" that is currently coming across. The author certainly has to be capable of implying the correct questions for it to work, which I'm often not, because I'm not good at cutting out the details that are actually irrelevant (yeah. I lean toward Harrison's "exhaustive survey" in that regard...and know that's a problem if I'm not writing encyclopedias). But if you can pick up your characters and plot and shove them into another world and have all of the same things proceed in exactly the same way, why bother writing sci-fi/fantasy in the first place? Why not just set it in 2021 Iowa? So how do we sift through the details to figure out which ones are implying the right questions, or would imply the right questions if reworded, and which ones are unnecessary and only fit for encyclopedia entries? Thoughts? Good to know that this still needs more clarification. I haven't yet found a way to provide contrast between the legal and illegal magic here without killing the pacing entirely. We get more of that contrast called out in Chapter 2, but some of the information is still muddled here... Ultimately, the simple, clear components are: There are two forms of magic. Cast magic and spellstones. Spellstones are always legal. Cast spells are always illegal, except the fire spell and sleep spell. If I spell it out that concisely here without an accompanying encyclopedia article, is it going to create additional confusion of "What are spellstones?" or "Why are these spells the exception?" Or "Why are the restrictions so convoluted?" And is that going to be even more frustrating/non-engaging? Do you have any thoughts on that? Suggestions? Observations of obvious holes in my problem that I'm too close to it to see and need to poke at more? Complicated probably isn't the right word there. Because you're right. "Complicated" is sort of normal. I guess it's more awareness that Al's parents didn't exactly sit well with the rest of the kingdom, and that there's good reason to expect him to not be welcomed with open arms among the court. This was mostly in regard to things like the magic issues that you mentioned or the comment about twins being a death sentence. More "Are there details you feel you still need clarification on to have a sense of what's going on?" But I think that got answered with other comments. I actually think the direction I was looking for this to go was answered more in the next question, with: Is this just going to be a common issue with the protagonist-being-orphaned trope? Is there a way to make B's connection with him engaging enough that we're glad to see he's doing alright when we see Al again a decade later in a few pages? Ultimately, the magic is the bigger deal through here, anyway, as Al's childhood trauma isn't a big focus of the book. It's present as a thing he mostly has a healthy relationship with now, and shapes where his character is at the start of the story, but his plotline is more focused on how he feels about the magic laws, knowing that the restrictions on magic and the magic itself both had a hand in his family's deaths. Which is another reason I have it as a prologue instead of a flashback. A flashback later on feels like it would lean far more into the angsty-protagonist-backstory direction than would be relevant for Al. I just have to figure out how to get it all to work...easy, right? As always, thanks so much for your thoughts, both for poking at things that still need improvement and for giving me directions to point the problem-solving side of my brain at and let it wander. Your feedback is always appreciated!

That's one of the main things I haven't decided what to do about yet. On one hand, it does feel like "hey, we're building up to a fight scene...just kidding!" but I like the idea of there being some uncertainty/concern about what happened when shifting to Ali and her fear for him. I just don't know if that hits for a reader like it does in my head or if there's a way to make it work better. I definitely need to find a better way to make it more intuitive/fluid for a land/holding name to be used in passing for the land, the family, or the title holder. So depending on the conversation, Tr could refer to Al (not usually by friends, unless it's R trying to emotionally distance himself from people), his family or ancestral line, the people living in the duchy, or the land of the duchy itself. Here, R is referring to the lands of L and A, then the families or people as a whole. If pressed, he'd probably have to admit that it's just certain people who irritate him, but if he has an option to avoid acknowledging specific relational conflicts in favor of a vague, general dismissiveness, he's going to take it. I really like the possibilities that setup gives for things like Is's hyperawareness of how she represents her family R's distinguishing between "I hate Ar, but I don't mind hanging out with Zar (the Count of Ar) when no one's mentioning politics." (I think you missed chapter 9, where that's brought out) Overall, people's tendency to emotionally distance themselves from one another. Then contrasting that with Al, who missed a lot of that social conditioning and doesn't jump as quickly onto the "oh. They're from X. They must be horrible." bandwagon Is any of that coming across to the reader now? Certainly not as much as I'd like. But these rambling thoughts help me figure out what things I mention/imply in passing that I really want to stress more in future revisions. Thanks so much!

Pg 1. I think part of it is just having a big stretch between reading the last chapter and this one, but the opening line leans back into W’s moping a bit. I know that she is dealing with a lot of really difficult things, and that it’s accurate, but opening it makes it feel a little more melodramatic, which isn’t the sort of reaction I want to have. “make sure to give him kisses…to show it’s okay to let me help him.” This doesn’t quite follow to me. I’m sort of surprised there isn’t more distress about the hospice care. To me, that would seem like the official acknowledgment that they don’t expect her to get better. I wasn’t under the impression that they were quite at that point, but that could be WRS. Pg 2. “W, right?” this seems like an odd intro. A little more distant than I’d expect. No intro from N? Or an “I’m so glad to meet you after all N has said?” “petrified wood” This seems like both an odd kitchen table material choice and an odd thing for W to recognize and casually observe. “Hearing you ask…” I’m surprised she doesn’t fumble over this response a little more. Which probably contradicts my comments on other chapters saying that we don’t need to be constantly reminded that she struggles in social situations, but this is a difficult question to answer, even for someone who is confident in their social skills. Pg 3. The conversation through here seems a little wordy, and a little more…established? I know she’s more solidly determined to take part in the relationship than when she wasn’t sure if she even wanted to be dating him, but I’m surprised she’s not more startled by the “we’re meant for each other.” I guess the seriousness of the relationship seems to have jumped a good deal compared to what I remember from before. Pg 4. I’m surprised W isn’t a little more skeptical of wishing on trees. Or that she doesn’t have to justify it to herself to some extent. Pg 6. I’m not clear on who the “we” is referring to at various points in the history explanation. Or who W is going to have to keep her mouth shut to about it. Or some of the actual details that are being conveyed (probably partly due to the pronoun confusion). “look how that turned out.” Does she know how it turned out? The Huntington’s detail definitely seems out of place. I remember it being mentioned in the prologue, I think, but don’t remember it coming up elsewhere. And it just seems like a really random thing for a mom to bring up on a first meeting. Did W know that’s what N’s mom had? “I didn’t want your thoughts of a long-term relationship…” I feel like most teenagers would be rather alarmed by being pulled aside by a boyfriend’s mom to discuss said boyfriend’s life expectancy. I have enough trouble getting injured athletes to think about what the choices they make will mean for the next sports season, let alone where they might be years down the road. Pg 7. I really like the scene end line. Pg 8. “we hit a gate.” Reach? Come across? I know “hit” is an entirely accurate word choice, but I definitely had to do a double take on this one. I’m not sure what purpose the time spent looking at waterfalls and things is serving at the moment if we aren’t getting more detail on what N finds so exciting about them. Even W doesn’t seem especially impressed. “something out of 19th century Britain” this reference isn’t creating a clear image in my head of what they’re wearing. Pg 10. “the kids explode into noise” are we supposed to know what’s going on here? Overall: I think many of my moments of non-engagement/confusion would be helped significantly by a couple editing passes to fix wordiness and dialogue flow. At the moment, some parts of the conversations feel out of place, but I’m not sure if that’s because they don’t seem like they need to be there, or if it’s the wordiness making them feel a little off. Despite the poking at various things above, I do really like W meeting (and being evaluated by) N’s mom, and the trip to the village. It needs to be smoothed out in several places, but I think this angle adds a lot, and agree that it would be nice for some aspects of it to come sooner.

Hi, All! Sorry for the delay on this one. My usual final-trim/edit time got shoved aside to help a friend who had a whole lot dumped on his plate on Sunday, so this didn’t get done as quickly as planned. This chapter has been through several drafts in various forms, sometimes as multiple chapters and sometimes all together, and I’ve shifted things around at this point enough to need a bit of distance from it before I figure out if one of the scene breaks should be a chapter break. Content Warning: Language, violence, gore Questions: Any boring/confusing parts? While I was trimming back, there were a couple spots where I wasn’t sure if the blocking still worked or if the action was flowing correctly. Thoughts on characters? Do their actions and interactions seem feasible? Thoughts on potential chapter splits? Points of interest or engagement? Thanks!

I'll take a spot @Silk

Hello, All! Thanks so much to everyone who has looked through the prologue! Sorry for the big gap between regular chapters. September had me way behind on just about everything, and my brain still feels like it’s catching up. Should be back to the normal schedule going forward as my coaching season winds down over the next few weeks. This one had initially been all from Ali’s pov, with all of R’s side of things happening off-screen. It’s definitely better now, but I’m not sure how the emotional through-line is coming across. I definitely need to provide a more measurable goal for Ali to be working toward (beyond keeping the family from falling apart), but haven’t figured out the best way to do that yet, since it will likely depend on where the changes to Is- and Al’s part 1 goals/motivations land. Content Warning: Language, threats of violence, alcohol usage Usual Questions: Does the emotional through-line seem to follow? Thoughts on characters? Especially since it’s been a while since we’ve heard from these ones? Thoughts on the first half (or first chapter, if split that way) cutting off where it does (as opposed to detailing what follows instead of referencing back to it in the second half?) Opinions on having this as two shorter chapters vs. one longer one with a PoV change? Points of interest or engagement? Thanks!

Correct

Good luck with the edits, and congratulations on the publishing prospects! Hope all goes well! Oh hey! I just listened to those episodes Opening 1: It’s probably the fact that I spend 2-3 hours a day with middle schoolers and high schoolers, but the anatomical references were a little more off-putting through here than I would have expected. Normally that wouldn’t bother me unless it was excessive, and I think it calls out the tone well but after spending far too much time day-to-day dealing with “Yes. Everyone has a butt. While we are stretching, yours will probably be facing someone else. That is how life goes. Just touch your toes so you don’t tear a hamstring” while coaching, most anatomical references elsewhere gets shoved into the “is this necessary?” category. Being female probably doesn’t help sympathize with the crotch scratching detail either… So, I think the tone carries solidly, which is good. It’s always helpful to know what you’re getting into from the start, even if (in this case) I’m not personally likely to find the character super engaging on page one. Probably also doesn’t help that adult sci-fi isn’t usually what I reach for when looking for something to read. The opening line makes me wonder if whales are more central to normal daily life in this world than they are in ours or if our protagonist has reasons to make that comparison instead of some other one. And if we’re getting into the nitty-gritty of it, wouldn’t “the other side” just be the ocean? Which, to me, seems happier than the …uh… passage. “At least…comfort.” Something in the flow of this sentence is off for me. I keep wanting to read it as two with a split at “case. All” “the … businessman” what businessman? “the” is making me try to link this detail with someone we’ve already seen. I think getting Q’s name earlier would be helpful. “his room” The jump to here is a little sudden. Is this like a hotel room? The equivalent of an airport bathroom? Or some sort of frequent-traveler lounge? Upon addition of the family photo: Some sort of locker room? Is it his family photo? Is he using someone else’s space? Two minutes seems like a long time. Opening 2: Similar LBL thoughts at the start. Having the job description here is really helpful for placing us and the character in the world a little better. Though I guess we’d probably get that from a back-of-book summary (or from the title, now that I’m looking at that again) Still confused about the interaction with the businessman, and the dialogue line just adds to that, unfortunately. The transition to the shower room is smoother here, though the other questions about it are still there. The em-dashes are already breaking up the sentence a little, so having “yet again” right after breaks up the flow. Shifting that to the end of the sentence might make that a little smoother. “He was looking…” the punctuation here seems off, but I’m not sure how much of that is personal preference, though. I know I tend toward periods and em-dashes too often, when commas would be perfectly fine. So my opinion on that matter is pretty skewed. “, however,” missing commas. Is flypaper a familiar thing in this setting? Not sure how far future we are, or what level of existing tech is still familiar. Or familiar enough for the comparisons to stick around. Even now, the term is probably familiar to most people, but I don’t know too many people who use flypaper. Seems like a lot of people (at least in my area/social circle) have shifted to powered bug zappers. “I may have…” I assume this should be italicized? And that the line above it shouldn’t be? I like the additional character background we get in the second half of this one. Gives me a far better idea of who Q is and what he’s dealing with. Come on, J. I’m assuming this is the aforementioned boss’s daughter? If we aren’t supposed to assume that (or if it’s a problem to assume that), it might be worth adding some additional detail here to help us file this away in the right spot. The transition from admiring himself in the mirror to this sort of threatening thought is a big jump, and I’m not entirely sure what to make of it. If I was reading something longer, I’d probably mentally note it as “Okay. He lives in a state of constant hatred of J. Check. Unclear if J deserves that or not.” and move along until that becomes relevant. But if we didn’t get more clarification on it before too long, I’d get a little antsy because of how bluntly the thought is put out there, and because it seems to play a big part in the aloneness and completeness that is mentioned here. Opening 3: “shed…and don” ? The sentence feels incomplete with just the commas. The crotch-scratching detail goes even more firmly into the “Is this necessary?” category in my brain when the colorful commentary on squishing into seats is removed. “stepped into…and stood” ? The “through the timeline” sentence runs more smoothly here than in version 2 Overall: I definitely agree with the others. Two is my favorite, followed by one, then three. I think that one gives the strongest impression of who the character is and where he’s coming from. I don’t know enough about where things go from here to say much about whether it seems like it should be trimmed back or what questions need clearer answers here or what can be put off until later.

Well, it at least seems like this version works far better than the old one, even if it still needs some adjustment. So. The question that all of these comments raise... does it seem like I can just cut it when he loses control of the spell? Or do we need to see any of the aftermath to get the scale of the damage across? I don't like cutting the Vowband going missing or the interactions with Al, but can see that it's going to be hard to include those in a way that doesn't feel tacked on. At this point, I can't see any good way of having Al waltz into the room earlier, since there would probably be other servants and staff keeping him out of the way of the whole process. It seems more feasible for people to assume the midwife is supposed to be there and let her back in (though I clearly need to rework some of the details around her being there.) If Al is likely to be on any sort of back-of-book blurb, and we see him in Chapter 1 when Isr- is mentioning him being in the capital for the first time since the horrible magic accident that killed his parents, is that enough to connect him to the prologue? Or do you think there's likely to be confusion there? Going to be running this past a couple people who haven't read chapters, so that should provide some fresher eyes on where things stand without knowledge of what's happening later. I figure the main points that need to be gotten across are that 1. magic is mostly illegal 2. some support for why that is (it going wrong in horrible ways) 3. contrast from the more acceptable spellstones when we get to them (I figure without any picture of "real" magic until the middle of part 2, the scope of the world's magic is really skewed early on without something along these lines) 4. That Al's dad was both foreign and a mage, though I think most of the significance of most of that can come later. Will definitely have to figure this out. She does at least have a name now, so that's something. I blame that oversight on rushing through edits and submitting while simultaneously planning a lineup for a soccer game. I did make some adjustments, and will have to see how those read for the next group I run it past. Thanks so much for the feedback!

@Silk Things have been a little too hectic this past week or so for me to have the chapter fully ready by tomorrow, but I'd like to claim a spot for the 11th if I can. Hoping a looming deadline will get me to buckle down and just push through the part I've been struggling to get right. @Robinski, if you're up for looking at the new prologue (different pov, more relevant events, 1.5k fewer words), I'd appreciate thoughts on that. Doing final edits on that this week to submit for my class next week. Other than that, reading Chapter 13 (submitted 9/6) before 15 might be helpful for context, but a full critique on that one isn't important if you're short on time (obviously, I'm glad to get whatever feedback you're willing to offer on any of it ). Chapter 14 will be a different pov from 13 and 15, with a less direct lead-in. So "catching up" is less important on that front. Excited to finally get to read some of your writing!