C_Vallion

That's alright. What is time anyway these days?

Can I have a spot for tomorrow? Sorry for the late request. My usually typing space has been overrun by a house project, so I've barely looked at my computer for two days.

I will say that avoiding a monotheistic setup is probably the easiest single thing that would pull it away from seeming like Islam. I think there are other ways to have a polytheistic setup without it seeming like the different races have their own gods. Lois McMaster Bujold's World of Five Gods books is probably the best example I can think of. Where there are four gods everyone in the surrounding area agrees on, and a fifth that some view as a god and some view as a demon depending on culture. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_of_the_Five_Gods I also just generally really enjoyed those books for having non-standard fantasy protagonists. Curse of Chalion's Caz being a guy in his mid-thirties who ends up as a tutor, and Ista from Paladin of Souls is an older widow who is tired of being treated as such, and in an attempt to get away, sets out on a supposed "pilgrimage" (because it's the most socially acceptable excuse she can find to get away from the boredom). But anyway. Having any sort of multiple-god setup separates it from Islam, but you don't need a full pantheon. And having a priest or saint or prophet that some cultures sort of deify for some heroic feat in the past but other cultures don't consider a deity might be a good way to make some small variations that don't feel like the usual "this group worships this deity. This group worships this deity" setup. This is also a good thing to consider. I figure the term angel has you fighting the Christmas-angel image or the more varied and terrifying Biblical descriptions for various angel-subtypes. Maybe some sort of magical creature that acts as a divine messenger? Whether that's an existing animal that people consider sacred or something made up entirely. This definitely makes a lot of sense. Though even within abrahamic religions, the frameworks vary quite a bit. You can be sure you'll get more comments as we go along Gotcha. Yeah, I think that's fine as long as we are aware of what he does and doesn't understand. I think getting a sense of "I know it's important because my brother thought it was important enough to die for" and that that's driving his search for information would be a fix for what I thought was missing.

Questions: 1. I really like the concept for the psychic/empathy magic, and the world setup is really interesting, and my world-building brain is already running off on tangent thoughts about how race and gender presenting themselves this way would impact the world development and culture. Definitely interested in seeing where things are going. 2. There are a couple of spots that came off as a little info dumpy, where there was a lot to absorb at once (mentioned below). Other than that, I think telling us he’s looking for the RA when he is out in the market near the start of that scene will make it feel a little more directional. As it is, he’s mentioned going out to get information, but without knowing what that is, his walking around feels a little meandering. 3. I think the biggest thought I had in this regard was the possibility of making it into two chapters. One related to gathering information, one with the meeting with his brother. 4. Long answer incoming. Because you’ve stumbled into the path of one of my soapboxes. Apologies in advance for the rambling. I’ve actually been meaning to put my thoughts on fantasy-religion-building together for an essay or blog post or something for a while and haven’t gotten around to it, so they're still all a little jumbled, and this walks right into the middle of it. Anyway. Ultimately, I like the setting and worldbuilding a lot, but would be careful about what parallels you’re drawing to *Islamic* Arabia vs. a desert culture like we’d see in Arabia whether or not Islam was involved. Especially with the characters and themes we’ll probably be dealing with. Sticking closer to the former, you’ll probably find yourself running into a lot of pitfalls regarding how you’re presenting the religion and its interaction with the culture. If you don’t have a good handle on the theology of Islam or other monotheistic religions, I’d tread lightly in how you’re representing one in a story that will push back against anyone holding those beliefs. There’s certainly a place to challenge said beliefs, and I think having an intersex protagonist is a good way to do that in the way I think you might be trying to. However, I think an intersex protagonist in a setting where there’s a pretty strictly two-gendered culture achieves the same goal without needing to do too much in-depth theological study to make sure you’re not running the risk of misrepresenting a set of religious beliefs [I have a comment about page 2 related to this]. You just want to make sure that the practice of the in-world religion would imply the gender norms/views you’re setting up. Representing real-world religions in fantasy settings can be really tricky because it’s hard to make it clear what aspects are being presented as comparable and what aspects are presented as part of the fantasy world. Describing “Islamic Arabia with normalization of alcohol and a lack of gender segregation” very quickly ceases to be Islamic Arabia. Which is probably a safer bet anyway unless you’re really familiar with Islam or have someone who knows their theology who you can bounce ideas off of (if it was Protestantism/Catholicism, I’d volunteer. I’ve done enough study to poke a stick at tricky spots there. But I don’t know enough about Islam or Islamic cultures to be helpful as any sort of sensitivity reader or research source on that front). I’d probably recommend taking a few clear steps further away from historical Arabia on the religion front to avoid some of those pitfalls. Pg 1: The first sentence is really long, and could probably be made stronger. Having the first look at the character and the book be him stumbling is probably not ideal. Also, I’m not sure how to pronounce S’s name, which throws me off a bit. I think it’s partly some weird instinct to go with “Sammy” which doesn’t seem to fit the setting. “freak out” does not seem to fit a setting with wandering merchants and veils for sand protection. This being the first look at the world, the “when he addressed them as humans” isn’t entirely clear. I assume it means that the guards tend to be dehumanized by the people they protect, and aren’t sure how to respond when people break that pattern. But when everything is fair game this early in a fantasy, I wasn’t sure if it might mean that the guard (and most guards) are some sort of non-human species. The inheritance traits section is a lot to absorb up front. We’re getting introductory information about two different races while also learning that royalty has certain markings while also learning about an unusual setup of the inheritance of physical traits. These are all interesting details, but I think they need to be spaced out a little more to sink in. If we get information about what the average Sh- person looks like and what the average Xa- person looks like and have time to process that, adding in the details of how they mix is going to be much easier to work into the framework. Pg 2: I like the descriptions of the empathetic connections. I remember finding that really fascinating when you submitted something related to this world before. Would like a clarification of who D is here, though. Obviously S is in disguise, and the way she addresses him and the “confidence of a monarch” suggests that she’s also a royal in disguise, but the “usual” servants’ garb makes it unclear. Her nickname runs into the same issue S’s does, in that it separates me from the setting a bit. I’m sure I will have comments on the world’s theology as it gets fleshed out. I apologize in advance In the meantime (with the caveat that none of the following is meant to be argumentative or dismissive. I don’t think it should come across that way, but text tone is always hard…), I did want to point out a small concern with the “If the creator made us…” line. It’s hard for me to not see it as a throw away one-liner trying to call out inconsistencies with Abrahamic religions. Which makes me wonder how close a parallel the religion is supposed to be to Islam. If it’s supposed to be a strict parallel (I’d recommend not going this route), you’re going to run into far bigger issues related to how the religion is expressed in the culture. And if it’s not a strict parallel, I’m not sure what the takeaway should be. I don’t know as much about Islam as I do about Protestantism/Catholicism, and I’ve seen similar arguments in that realm, but they never quite hold water for what Christianity actually says. I see the point that’s trying to be made, and the argument has weight behind it if presented properly, but the wording here is setting up a straw man argument of a different theological point altogether (one that isn’t really relevant) that interferes with it being a credible point about creators making mistakes. It comes close to where the real complication/supposed inconsistency lies, but ignores a pretty big detail of Christian theology to make its statement. It doesn’t entirely misrepresent Christian theology (maybe…I’d have to think about that), but it definitely oversimplifies it and misses where the real “gotcha!” point would be. And if this is supposed to be a fantasy setting that doesn’t align with a real-world religion anyway, I’m not sure what it’s trying to do. If you’re planning to go in-depth in developing the world’s religion, and D will be giving a thorough explanation of both that religion’s theology and this potential conflict with it, that’s one thing, but if it’s meant to be a one-line comment on a real-world religion, you might be getting yourself in trouble here, because it’s cherry-picking aspects of a religion without acknowledging that no single component of a religion exists in a vacuum. TLDR: The line feels a little too on the nose, and it makes me antsy when Christianity (or other things, but it’s the one I know things about) is misrepresented or simplified beyond recognition to prove a point. Especially when I agree that there’s a point there to be made and it’s not being shown in the best light. Ultimately, I’d probably recommend leaning a little away from the direct Abrahamic religion parallels unless you’re able to make it clear what is comparable and what is different and how the setup of your world affects and is affected by that. Pg 3: “trying to get rid of me.” *snort* Though I am also sympathetic with her inability to find reliable sources. Hate when that happens. “catch you later” there are a number of things like this, where the dialogue feels far more modern and casual than the setting implies. Pg 4: Ah. She is a servant. Oops. I’d probably try to make her seem a little more deferential to S, even if they’re friends. That doesn’t have to mean groveling at his feet or being overawed, but a note of some of the more automatic behaviors that she’s likely to have developed while working around royalty. Do we know who J- is yet? Ah. Next line. “Maybe he should go easier on them.” I like that he realizes that he’s put Y- in a difficult position, but am a little disappointed that he would do so intentionally. The reasons following are alright, but still feel a little off if he seems to take servants/guards more seriously than his peers would. A personal guard might help. Someone whose primary job is to keep S safe, and therefore has a clearer line of authority. Especially if these trips are something S does regularly. If he worries about the guards getting in trouble for it, it seems like something he might have tried to find a solution to. The wording in the sentence before the section break is a little confusing, but I really like the hook into the next section. Pg 5: I know there’s a bit of a trope of people giving away disguises by using titles, but if S is really concerned about being caught and he does this regularly, I’d expect him to be more careful of which guard he’s bringing. Pg 6: Runaway sister seems to come out of the blue. Might help to have him reference that he’s going to see her before now to give their wandering a little more focus. Pg 7: “gave them an excuse to wear full veils…” “Them” being the guard and S (I didn’t think the guard had a crystal thing)? S and his father on other trips? The last paragraph on this page mentions Ki- invaders, Sha-, Xa- empire in addition to giving more information about Hu, and making passing reference to the HR, who we don’t know much about yet. That’s a lot to follow in one paragraph (a situation that I am fully sympathetic to, having run into it…oh, once or twice [once or twice today, that is…] in my chapters) Pg 8: I like the detail of him paying more attention to their emotions than to their words. “rattlesnakes” – vipers? Tarantulas? Some similar unwelcome creature? I think rattlesnakes are mostly a North American thing. Depending on what you’re trying to do with cultural associations. Pg 10: I think some of this conversation would stick better if we knew what S is expecting the angel to signify. I feel like angels don’t have clear enough tropes attached to them for me to know if this is supposed to be a terrifying thing or an exciting thing, and S’s reactions aren’t giving me any clues. This also seems like something that would be worth bringing in above. That this is what he’s intentionally searching for. So that the wandering feels more direct and intentional, even if it’s a little meandering because he’s looking for specific information. Pg 11: The explanation here feels a little info dumpy. I’d try to figure out what we need here and now, and what can be filled in later when we have a better sense of the framework of things. Pg 14: I almost think this should be two chapters. One with him sneaking out and getting back, ending with him being “caught” by his brother, then the rest of this conversation. The destruction of the crystal collection comes out of the blue, and while it seems like it should be a big deal, I don’t know enough about it significance for it to hit very hard. I don’t really know anything about Z at this point, so S connecting the dots and accusing her here is less engaging than if I’d had reason to sort of connect the dots along with him. I think if there was more given about her being tied to revolutionaries (or something similar) and seems to be on the HR’s bad side, that would be helpful. Pg 16: Do we know anything about the FC? My Islam-parallel paranoia is filling him in as a great prophet of some sort, but I don’t know what that means in this world (and ties things close enough to a real-world religion to put me on-edge to expect pitfalls) We get some information here, but he is mentioned a few times through the chapter without any explanation. Does J not know where Z is? If she’s within the city, doesn’t he have the ability to track her down? The questions here at the end would be more engaging if I’d had a better sense of the significance of them, but I think there was a little too much going on to process why S would be asking those specific questions. Closing line could use a little more detail. Though I think part of that comes from the above point of not having a good sense of the significance of the questions. Because of that, I’m not having a lot of luck guessing what he’s feeling here, or what expression he would be trying to hide. Overall: Despite my cautiousness about the way the religion is presented (which, really, probably doesn’t bother 95% of people. So there’s that), I really like the worldbuilding and setting, and am excited to learn more about them. I mentioned a couple of things I think could be shifted around a bit to come across more clearly, but the ideas themselves make me want to read on to figure out where the story is going from here. Full apologies for the rabbit trails. Depending on what your goals are on that front, you’re welcome to either ignore them or send a message to pick my brain on it further. Thanks for submitting! I enjoyed reading

Overall: I really like a lot of the changes you made here, and I think it pulls together a lot of the things that weren’t quite hitting right before. I do think you could push some of those additions/changes a little further or hang lanterns on them to strengthen the improvements even more, but the progress is really great. Apologies in advance for nitpicky things. I feel like I notice a lot more random little details when I do critiques too close to bedtime. They probably wouldn’t bother most people. Which emotional beats are still missing or still need to be cranked up? – I’m still a little iffy on the relationship arc. J processes the break in the relationship a little more, which is a step in the right direction, but they don’t actually take time to work through it. Does the set up work better for the haunting? Much better. I don’t know if I would have caught all of the hints if I hadn’t read it before (just need to hang some lanterns on a few of the details, I think), but I think there was a lot of improvement in this regard. Should I add more visual description of the setting? I’d say when the train starts moving, the inside of the train car when J is learning about the ghosts. The layout of the tree/couch clearing. Is the end more earned now? More earned, but I’m not yet convinced that they’ve successfully addressed the point of conflict in their relationship. Reminds me of various couples I’ve known who are so excited to move in together or get a pet together or get engaged/married that they sort of intentionally blind themselves to behavior patterns or points of conflict that will definitely cause trouble down the road, when there will be a whole lot more baggage to unpack than if they’d dealt with it ahead of time. Pg 1: The introduction to the train is much clearer this time. Very helpful. The “Not yet, anyway” feels a little funny to have in J’s pov. Like we’re stepping out of the narrative for this line. I think something like it would be helpful, though. Maybe some sort of “no matter what other people said” line. “had had” this one always catches me up. Probably because I panic and overthink everything when I catch myself using it. Not sure if that’s the same reaction everyone has or not, but it might be worth reworking the sentence to avoid it. Introducing both the ghosts and the mistrust on page 1 gets a big thumbs up from me. Pg 2: Regarding A appearing out of nowhere: I wonder if this could be used to highlight the supposed supernatural aspects of the train? Maybe having J joke to herself that A is one of the train’s ghosts? “commented on how real the stories and characters felt” : an extra apostrophe in characters. I assume the realism of the characters is supposed to be a reference to her pulling those characters from the ghosts/memories she encounters on the train, but I definitely wouldn’t get that on a first-read. It might help to call that out a little more clearly. To imply that the inspiration she’s getting from the train is almost supernatural. Pg 3: J’s name is spelled differently in paragraph 2 here. Glad to see our tools packed here for later tasks. Also, I appreciate a girl with a favorite reciprocating saw. “random train pieces” random seems unnecessary here. Pg 4: I like a lot of the changes that hint more strongly at A’s secrets. Just think it might be further strengthened by hanging some big ol’ lanterns on the supernatural elements early on. Pg 5: I like the opening paragraph here. Adds more to the supernatural feel without jumping straight into it. It might be beneficial to stress that even more here. J is spelled with two n’s a couple of times through here. I always get a little impatient with “Am I dreaming?” responses to supernatural things happening for some reason. I don’t know if it’s just the idea that I can’t remember a single time when something weird happened, and my first thought was that I was dreaming (granted, having never seen a train start moving on its own….*shrug*). I don’t know if that’s something that’s unique to me or not, but her figuring out whether it’s a dream or not feels like it goes on longer than necessary. Pg 6: “Was A hiding something?” I think this goes without saying. And I think it would make more sense for J to wonder about the reasons for taking train pieces after A mentions that the train doesn’t want to be disassembled. Since the strangeness hadn’t been tied to the train pieces yet. “ghosts, well…” This is the first verbal acknowledgment of ghosts being involved, but A is sort of defining/explaining them as if they’d already been mentioned. Pg 7: J crossing her arms is telling me she’s angry at A. Which makes sense, but seems like it’s lacking a fear aspect that I’d expect to go along with the ghost explanation. Especially with the “Does that mean I believe…?” below. If she is still processing the ghosts existing part of it, I think that should tie into her anger with A. “There is a lot I don’t know…” I don’t think it needs this line. It feels like an attempt to lead into the next line of conversation, but I think the “How do you…?” question does that just as well or better. “Maybe I should’ve told you…” This is one clear place I’d want to see more of an indicator of what A is feeling. Standing and pacing suggests nervousness/uneasiness, but does she feel guilty? Is she more concerned about whatever the train is doing at the moment? Does she realize how much her hiding things has hurt J? Pg 8-10: This certainly answers the "Why didn't they find a new home for the train before now?" question satisfactorily. Pg 13: “I never outright lied.” This, to me, is not an acceptable answer. “…isn’t haunted.” Hah. Fair question. “A moved closer to J and winked.” This and the following line could use a little more emotional-description. A seems to think all is well and good between them. Does she realize that J is still upset? Does J get even more upset when A seems to want to just move on from the problem? Pg 14: J processing the relationship is good, and a step in the right direction from the previous draft, but I feel like this should be a discussion between them, not just J mulling over things. “Startling a moose…” True, that. Pg 15: “twice the size…” and how big is that? If she specifically mentions that most of the trees are small, is twice the size going to be all that much of an obstacle? If it’s like the pretty old maples on the old farm properties near me, I bet it’s far bigger than the description here is implying to me. Also, I like the mention of a potential old foundation nearby. I do love some old New England farm ruins. Probably some good memory-ghosts there. Pg 16: The word swarth threw me. I am not familiar with it, and looking it up online didn’t help me get an image for what it’s supposed to imply. Also, I thought the maple was the only big obstacle. The description of the tiredness here is good, but seems more than what the obstacle-description set up. Is there any reason that “vintage-looking” can’t just be “vintage”? I had the same thought up where it’s first mentioned early on. No wonder the train is impatient. Cutting/splitting/stacking wood takes a ton of time. My family uses a gas-powered splitter when they do woodcutting weekend, and it still takes several hours and several sturdy wood-carriers to do that. Would recommend mentioning plans to come back and get the wood later instead of doing it then and there. Though if it’s private property, that might also be iffy. Not sure what Vermont thinks of such things. Or whether an old railway would be considered a public right of way. But I digress. I assume most people won’t be too concerned about that detail. “Less than a mile from the tracks” ? I’m assuming this isn’t saying they saw the couch from a mile away, but am not entirely sure what it means. Pg 17: “heavier than expected.” Well, that certainly checks out. Wet furniture is so heavy. “kitten poked their head” I’d generally go with “its”, but don’t know what general reader opinion is on that is. The blocking around J running into the couch and being hurt isn’t quite coming across for me. And the kitten detour comes a little out of the blue. Of course, I'm not a cat person. I would probably be far less bothered if it was a puppy. So I don't know what that says. “kicking and biting.” Hope she’s planning to go for a rabies shot… “twice the thickness of her wrist” again, I’d go with a diameter or circumference estimate. Does the couch not have feet/legs? I like the idea of using logs as rollers, but will admit it seems like it wouldn’t be the most efficient way to move a couch a few yards (I reupholster antique sofas in my free time, so I've done more than my share of couch-wrangling). I think having both of them lift one side and pivoting it around, then doing the same with the other side would be more effective if they can’t just lift the whole thing at once. Lots of improvement on this draft! It's always fun to see that progress happen.

Wanted to check in to confirm my spot for tomorrow

I'm fine with a slightly longer chapter. I'll probably be out for another week (traveling this weekend, and it's always hard to say whether that will mean lots of writing time or no writing time). I'd like a spot for the 10th, thought, @Silk

Warning: Rambling thoughts ahead. Feel free to ignore some or all as necessary. If his main point is having the power to tell B he can't go to the competition, maybe he's the one who pays for the athletes to go? A lot of school sports programs have Booster Clubs that raise money to buy things the school funding can't afford (equipment/new uniforms/award dinner things). Maybe a lot of that funding comes from him because he went through the school and was part of the program? Or has a kid who was/is/will be in the program, and wants to make sure that his kid has access to those nice things the school can't afford? It still lets him have some power over the choices being made, but keeps it from being someone with direct authority over B. Granted, I have no idea where things are going or what role he plays in the story, so feel free to discard any or all of those thoughts. This makes sense to some extent, but I feel like the shift from dream to goal doesn't happen until a slightly later age? Maybe? I think before then most push for intensity in training comes from parents. The handful of olympians/olympic hopefuls I know (and most of the college athletes I competed with) always had natural talent and love for their sport, but most don't quite get the hard work/intensity aspect required to be the best in the world until high school or collegiate level. Maybe it does mean aging him up a little will help. But I think framing it as a dream of getting to the "olympics" (focusing on training to some extent, but not the grueling aspects of it. More hope/enthusiasm, less long/miserable/painful hours of training), and thinking of it less as a "career option" would work as well. Just depends where things are going. I definitely get that, and I think it could work in some sports story arcs (as long as you convince everyone that the MC is really in the right in whatever they were doing, and that the people in charge are really helpless to see justice done through the proper channels. Looking at it from my perspective, all I can think of (if I'm being cynical) is the number of parent e-mails demanding answers to why no one's done anything about that Wulf kid, when he's clearly a criminal and is taking a spot on the team that their kid deserves. Or how many other kids have had to miss meets or sit for practices because they cut class, and they have a very clear "I'm in trouble, but B's still allowed to go to the big tourney?" example to point at. No good coach wants to sit kids for games/practices (well. most kids. some definitely deserve it). Especially when you know the kid's dealing with a lot, or you can get the *why* of the misbehavior. But letting them get by without any consequences at all gets real murky real quick. This might also deal with a lot of this

I missed the science-fantasy/Beowulf note until after reading. Definitely would not have seen any Beowulf connections, though it has been…quite a while since I have read Beowulf, and details of assigned reading in 9th grade haven’t exactly stuck with me all that well. Pg 1: Do kids often call their athletic directors by their first names? I’d expected a similarly aged bully initially. Space steel? *checking back to later to mention that I had not gotten any notes of futuristic setting through any of this first section. Pg 2: Probably irrelevant to the story, but living in the world of coaching and ADs, the thought of a primary school AD just going out and buying a new boat the day after his is destroyed sticks out to me. What sort of school district is this? The name doesn’t imply fancy, expensive private school. Pg 3: B’s intensity regarding swimming here sounds like an older high school student. It’s not how I’d expect any of the middle school athletes I work with (even the ones who really love and excel at their sport) to think about training. I feel like at that age there’s more focus on the fun of it being a distraction from stress or a way to de-stress than on training to the point of exhaustion to de-stress. “Intergalactic Youth…” Wait. What? I know a book cover and summary would probably get the setting across before now, but this feels like a long way into the first chapter for me to realize that we’re not on present-day earth. Pg 4: Also, my first thought upon it being held on Earth was “home team advantage”, with “home planet of humans” implying to me that B isn’t human. Is this an inter-species competition? “He’d never let B go.” I mean. Sort of for good reason. If I found out one of the kids I coach vandalized the ADs boat, they’re definitely not competing for the rest of the season. Even if the AD was a jerk (and does deserve some sort of consequence). “Being AD and making kids miserable…” This seems off to me. (so does the line about him “owning” the sports teams, but I can see that being how it would look to a kid) But I also get really antsy about the “teacher/principal/school authority figure as antagonist” setup in a lot of books, because I see far too many of those people getting the short end of the stick and putting everything they have into their work only to have to deal with kids who hate them for no reason. So intentionally painting them as the enemy in fiction bothers me. Pg 5: He’d better meet a new duck-friend on Earth. Pg 6: “a real career as a swimmer” I’m not sure if this is being presented as a viable option or if it’s a kid not realizing what makes a reasonable “career”. I think wanting to get into a good school or to coach swimming might be better swimming-related motivations (none of the sports I coach make viable career paths… but they do bring in good scholarship money. And they’re definitely worth putting time and effort into). Unless this is a world where professional swimming is a Big Deal. Overall: 1. Does this hook you into the story? Not fully, but I’d give it a couple more chapters to win me over. Sports stories aren’t always immediately exciting to me, but this definitely gets points for not being baseball/basketball/football. Also gets points for animal-friends. I don’t generally like school stories, so moving MG to a competition trip makes it far more engaging to me than if there was more going on at school. 2. Does the character sound like a kid? Is the voice strong enough? I don’t get a big sense of kid-voice from it, but it also doesn’t hit as seeming way too old. I guess mostly, I wouldn’t be able to pin down what age he is based on the chapter here. 3. What about world-building? Too much? Too little? Just right? Probably too little. I don’t have any sense of what makes the setting here different from modern earth. If most of the story takes place on future-earth, how does B’s home planet compare to earth? What makes it unique? What sorts of animals do they have? 4. Based on this opening, what do you expect the book to be about? What promises is the narrative making? I would probably expect it to have a standard sports-story arc, with some sci-fi mixed in somehow? But I haven’t gotten a big enough idea of the world to know what it brings to the standard sports story. Thanks for sharing! Curious to see where this goes if you decide to sub through!

Pg 1: Something seems off to me in the phrasing of the first sentence. Is Gayest Party Train a sort of proper noun name? Or is it supposed to be “the gayest party train in Tonic”? Are there so many gay party trains in the town that this one deserves the -est? What adjectives are modifying what? “gayest party” train or gayest “party train”? I have many questions. However, I think the next two sentences work really well once that confusion is figured out I have odd philosophies about profanity usage, but “darn” feels funny here. With the amount of anxiety I assume would be associated with this, I’d expect something a little stronger. At least dang, if the character is profanity-averse. Darn just feels very toe-stub-y. Pg 2: I get antsy about lengthy physical descriptions, so having four sentences dedicated to it seems like a lot. But I also tend to fall off the other side of that boat, so I’m never sure how reliable my opinion is on that sort of thing. “looked at the train”? Also, “its peeling paint gave it”? Ali- referred to the train as “she”, but depending on how much the train is personified as a character in the text, “it” might make things less confusing. “not being able to come here anymore. ‘Wish I’d come here more’” is repetitive I’d read “their car” as in automobile, not as in train car. Pocket-ful pants = +10 Pg 3: Pupper! = +10 “Got irritated if J pressed them” Pronoun alert. “pretended to let it go.” Relatable. Pg 4: This was not a direction I expected this to go in. I’m not sure how I feel about that yet. Pg 5: “I wouldn’t have let you come.” I feel like we need more of a hint that something isn’t quite normal earlier on. Pg 6: So it seems like Ali using “she” at the beginning is accurate to her understanding of the train as a living thing. But J’s line here at the top definitely makes me lean toward the “it” above. “ghosts…memories” Yeah. I’d definitely want some reference to ghosts early on. This felt like it came in out of the blue. “Maybe I should have…ideas for books.” This seems like a “rethinking our proposal” level of deception. Pg 7: “hated secrets…” It’s odd to me that she was aware that Ali was hiding something and still wanted to propose at all if she is so opposed to secrets. It would make more sense to me if she’d been entirely unaware, or had asked and received some sort of not-quite-true excuse answer. Pg 7-9: I think a good deal of this could be trimmed back for pacing. It also seems odd that if they think so highly of the train, that neither of them would have considered the idea of having it preserved before then. I think there needs to be a sense that the news was sprung on them suddenly for this last minute search to seem believable. I think part of my issue through here is that I’m still reeling from “train is moving” to “ghosts possessing train” to “find a museum”. The fact that the bridge is out doesn’t immediately hit as concerning because I still don’t know anything about what the train is or isn’t capable of. After all, she’d just said it was flying, didn’t she? I like the detail that it can remember things, but not remember them away. That works really well with the idea of ghosts being tied to memories. But we need more setup of that before that obstacle appears to keep it from feeling like an immediate “Here’s a problem, but here’s a solution.” Maybe after it starts moving slowly, Ali has to go out to remove something from the tracks while it’s getting up to speed? Something to have the structure of how things work setup a little before it becomes relevant. End rambling “proposal of sorts” I’m always up for a big double-meaning shift. They’re some of my favorite things. And I like the idea of the proposal in the title shifting to mean a proposal related to the train’s relocation (or both). But as someone who spent several years writing R&D proposals, it doesn’t seem quite right here. What exactly are they proposing? “We’ve dumped a train in your yard, and here are the reasons you should keep it here”? I really want that meaning-shift/expansion to work, though. So if there’s a way to shift things a little to make that happen, I’d be all for it. “J closed her eyes and cringed” I assume this should be Ali? Pg 10: Should they clear the road together/how much time should be spent on it? I don’t see any reason for them to not do it together, unless Ali needs to be doing something inside the train. But I also don’t think we need a ton of time spent on it. Maybe a paragraph mentioning a couple of specific things they have to clear. Maybe one of the things is big so they have to shove it out of the way together? How fast is the train going to be moving while they’re doing this? And reading on, I see that I’m misunderstanding their plan. I’d expected them to ride back along the tracks and jump out when they came across things to move them out of the way. And maybe do something clever to jerry-rig tools from what they have in the train if they come across something that needs to be disassembled. This seems like a more roundabout solution, which I’m not sure gains us anything. How important is it that the train doesn’t want to move until it has a clear path? What sort of things is she expecting to have to clear out of the way where a saw and rope will be the best tools to deal with it? “sped forward until…” wasn’t the bridge out? Pg 11: I’ll admit I’m not thrilled about the happy/cheery proposal if Ali has been deceiving J for years. It seems like too much emotional processing for J to have done when she’s just been shoved into a world of ghost trains. I do really like the idea of the ending, with the museum person (?) being there, them knowing about the ghosts in the train, and hoping to get the train there. But it also raises more questions about why no one did anything sooner, either ghost-wise or fundraising/petition/etc.-wise. If it’s Ali’s regular office, I’d expect her to have been more involved in trying to save it earlier on. Overall: I really enjoyed a lot of the ideas here. Fun train adventure? Nice. Ghost train powered by memories? Awesome. Saving old trains? Wonderful. Potential word-meaning shift in the title text? Woo! Beloved golden retriever? Excellent. I do think it needs a little reworking of some things to make it hold together better, though, especially in the pacing through the middle. There’s just a little too much shift between initial expectations and where we end up for me to not feel a little lost. That being said, I’d love to see what it would look like if those issues get straightened out. Not sure what your goals are for the piece, but if you take time to rework it, I’m definitely up for a re-read when it’s ready Questions 1-3: I think for the relationship arc to work there needs to be more of a reason for J not to be angry about Ali deceiving her for years. Especially if she personally hates secrets, and has just been thrown into a very chaotic situation that she’s been kept in the dark on. There aren’t any consequences to Ali’s deception, and all is well at the end, but I don’t think it’s quite been earned yet. It just takes too much time/work to get through that sort of clash. To lean toward being prescriptive, I’d almost want to see a clearer break in the relationship when Ali reveals what she’s been hiding, and have J stick with her for the sake of the train, then have something at the end make J want to give the relationship a second chance, but not quite be at a point of wanting to propose yet. Question 3B (plot) I think my only issues plot-wise would be fixed by a little more setup early on. By the time we learn that there’s a supernatural element, we are moving full speed ahead, and obstacles are being introduced pretty much as they’re being overcome, so there’s not enough time for tension to develop before it’s dispersed. Giving us some hints earlier on would be a big help in making that flow better. Question 4: Answered above. Question 5: I think it’s fine where it is as long as we have a better setup for why no one did anything earlier on to get the train there, when it hasn’t been made clear that there was anything stopping them. Question 6: I pointed out one spot. Might also be worth doing a search for J’s name. I caught one spot where it didn’t have the ie on the end. Not sure if that was a one-time thing or if there were other moments I missed.

Hooray! Company in submitting! I have to admit, I've missed doing critiques for other people during this stretch

I should have a chapter set for tomorrow, if that's alright, but it will probably be another late-in-the-day one. I assume the Monday submission dates work well for most people since they can cram some last minute editing into weekends. Having basically the opposite schedule (Monday through Wednesday being my main writing days) always makes it tough to know whether the final editing pass I do Monday will cooperate.

The far-busier-than-expected-weekend hit hard again, but I'll be planning to have my chapter up tomorrow.

I'll sign up for the 13th. Was just about set to submit for tomorrow, then had a home-repair emergency interfere yesterday. Because a straightforward week after Thanksgiving vacation was apparently too much to ask for.

Not this week, but next week. I'll confirm that next weekend, but want to at least verbally commit to it now to give myself something to be accountable to as a deadline.

I'd like a spot for Monday. It might be slightly long, if that's alright. I'm reworking my dieselpunk short story from March/April, but I'm not sure where exactly the word count will end up. Hopefully no longer than 6k words.

@Silk I'll take a spot for this week if that's alright

1. I think my biggest question in this regard is where you want to focus your effort. If continuing to submit through this takes time away from a project (or revision) you're more excited about, I think it makes sense to put your primary focus on that instead. That being said, I think continuing to submit through this could be helpful just from a learning process—to get more experience and practice with editing under your belt— even if a good deal of it gets scrapped in the end. Especially if there are themes/character archetypes/tone/etc. that will carry over between the two and some of the feedback there on this will be helpful carried over to the other. So ultimately, my not-super-helpful input is that I think it mostly depends where you want to prioritize your time and focus. I'm glad to continue to read through this to the end or to read through another project (similar or unrelated) if you start submitting it instead. 2 & 3 (though, mostly just general commentary, since there would be a lot of overlap between the general comments and the actual question answers) Arch- showing up really threw me off. Especially when some of the conversation there seems to imply that he shouldn't be able to get there on his own, and no one ever really answers the question of how he got there now. I like the grandmother character, but her argument with N goes on a little long, and begins to devolve into a sort of bickering that takes away from her mystique. I also feel like Ao is a little harsh when N is clearly involved in the community if he's bringing things for the kids and running off to visit as often as is implied elsewhere. The conversation between Arch and N/Ao also feels a little exposition-dump-y, but I still don't have a clear idea of what they're talking about. There's a bit of a non-sequitur feel to them all standing there arguing shifting to N and W going off into the woods. I know W has been intentionally distancing herself from N, and realizes she wants to change that. I like that she's intentional about that. But I feel like the kissing scene is a huge jump when I am pretty sure I remember W not having much relationship experience? I'd expect her to still want to move things forward slowly, even if she has intentionally made the decision to move them forward. Or to have some sort of some awkward moments of "I want to be closer, but what does that mean? Where do hands go? Do I just kiss him? Do we hug first? How do these things work?" They seem far less concerned/affected by the fire than I'd expect. If it's engulfing the area, wouldn't they have more difficulty breathing? Also don't see why Ao seems convinced that they have something to do with the fire. Or why she seems to imply that they brought Arch- there on purpose when the guy clearly doesn't like N or W either.

Pg 1. I think part of it is just having a big stretch between reading the last chapter and this one, but the opening line leans back into W’s moping a bit. I know that she is dealing with a lot of really difficult things, and that it’s accurate, but opening it makes it feel a little more melodramatic, which isn’t the sort of reaction I want to have. “make sure to give him kisses…to show it’s okay to let me help him.” This doesn’t quite follow to me. I’m sort of surprised there isn’t more distress about the hospice care. To me, that would seem like the official acknowledgment that they don’t expect her to get better. I wasn’t under the impression that they were quite at that point, but that could be WRS. Pg 2. “W, right?” this seems like an odd intro. A little more distant than I’d expect. No intro from N? Or an “I’m so glad to meet you after all N has said?” “petrified wood” This seems like both an odd kitchen table material choice and an odd thing for W to recognize and casually observe. “Hearing you ask…” I’m surprised she doesn’t fumble over this response a little more. Which probably contradicts my comments on other chapters saying that we don’t need to be constantly reminded that she struggles in social situations, but this is a difficult question to answer, even for someone who is confident in their social skills. Pg 3. The conversation through here seems a little wordy, and a little more…established? I know she’s more solidly determined to take part in the relationship than when she wasn’t sure if she even wanted to be dating him, but I’m surprised she’s not more startled by the “we’re meant for each other.” I guess the seriousness of the relationship seems to have jumped a good deal compared to what I remember from before. Pg 4. I’m surprised W isn’t a little more skeptical of wishing on trees. Or that she doesn’t have to justify it to herself to some extent. Pg 6. I’m not clear on who the “we” is referring to at various points in the history explanation. Or who W is going to have to keep her mouth shut to about it. Or some of the actual details that are being conveyed (probably partly due to the pronoun confusion). “look how that turned out.” Does she know how it turned out? The Huntington’s detail definitely seems out of place. I remember it being mentioned in the prologue, I think, but don’t remember it coming up elsewhere. And it just seems like a really random thing for a mom to bring up on a first meeting. Did W know that’s what N’s mom had? “I didn’t want your thoughts of a long-term relationship…” I feel like most teenagers would be rather alarmed by being pulled aside by a boyfriend’s mom to discuss said boyfriend’s life expectancy. I have enough trouble getting injured athletes to think about what the choices they make will mean for the next sports season, let alone where they might be years down the road. Pg 7. I really like the scene end line. Pg 8. “we hit a gate.” Reach? Come across? I know “hit” is an entirely accurate word choice, but I definitely had to do a double take on this one. I’m not sure what purpose the time spent looking at waterfalls and things is serving at the moment if we aren’t getting more detail on what N finds so exciting about them. Even W doesn’t seem especially impressed. “something out of 19th century Britain” this reference isn’t creating a clear image in my head of what they’re wearing. Pg 10. “the kids explode into noise” are we supposed to know what’s going on here? Overall: I think many of my moments of non-engagement/confusion would be helped significantly by a couple editing passes to fix wordiness and dialogue flow. At the moment, some parts of the conversations feel out of place, but I’m not sure if that’s because they don’t seem like they need to be there, or if it’s the wordiness making them feel a little off. Despite the poking at various things above, I do really like W meeting (and being evaluated by) N’s mom, and the trip to the village. It needs to be smoothed out in several places, but I think this angle adds a lot, and agree that it would be nice for some aspects of it to come sooner.

I'll take a spot @Silk

Correct

Good luck with the edits, and congratulations on the publishing prospects! Hope all goes well! Oh hey! I just listened to those episodes Opening 1: It’s probably the fact that I spend 2-3 hours a day with middle schoolers and high schoolers, but the anatomical references were a little more off-putting through here than I would have expected. Normally that wouldn’t bother me unless it was excessive, and I think it calls out the tone well but after spending far too much time day-to-day dealing with “Yes. Everyone has a butt. While we are stretching, yours will probably be facing someone else. That is how life goes. Just touch your toes so you don’t tear a hamstring” while coaching, most anatomical references elsewhere gets shoved into the “is this necessary?” category. Being female probably doesn’t help sympathize with the crotch scratching detail either… So, I think the tone carries solidly, which is good. It’s always helpful to know what you’re getting into from the start, even if (in this case) I’m not personally likely to find the character super engaging on page one. Probably also doesn’t help that adult sci-fi isn’t usually what I reach for when looking for something to read. The opening line makes me wonder if whales are more central to normal daily life in this world than they are in ours or if our protagonist has reasons to make that comparison instead of some other one. And if we’re getting into the nitty-gritty of it, wouldn’t “the other side” just be the ocean? Which, to me, seems happier than the …uh… passage. “At least…comfort.” Something in the flow of this sentence is off for me. I keep wanting to read it as two with a split at “case. All” “the … businessman” what businessman? “the” is making me try to link this detail with someone we’ve already seen. I think getting Q’s name earlier would be helpful. “his room” The jump to here is a little sudden. Is this like a hotel room? The equivalent of an airport bathroom? Or some sort of frequent-traveler lounge? Upon addition of the family photo: Some sort of locker room? Is it his family photo? Is he using someone else’s space? Two minutes seems like a long time. Opening 2: Similar LBL thoughts at the start. Having the job description here is really helpful for placing us and the character in the world a little better. Though I guess we’d probably get that from a back-of-book summary (or from the title, now that I’m looking at that again) Still confused about the interaction with the businessman, and the dialogue line just adds to that, unfortunately. The transition to the shower room is smoother here, though the other questions about it are still there. The em-dashes are already breaking up the sentence a little, so having “yet again” right after breaks up the flow. Shifting that to the end of the sentence might make that a little smoother. “He was looking…” the punctuation here seems off, but I’m not sure how much of that is personal preference, though. I know I tend toward periods and em-dashes too often, when commas would be perfectly fine. So my opinion on that matter is pretty skewed. “, however,” missing commas. Is flypaper a familiar thing in this setting? Not sure how far future we are, or what level of existing tech is still familiar. Or familiar enough for the comparisons to stick around. Even now, the term is probably familiar to most people, but I don’t know too many people who use flypaper. Seems like a lot of people (at least in my area/social circle) have shifted to powered bug zappers. “I may have…” I assume this should be italicized? And that the line above it shouldn’t be? I like the additional character background we get in the second half of this one. Gives me a far better idea of who Q is and what he’s dealing with. Come on, J. I’m assuming this is the aforementioned boss’s daughter? If we aren’t supposed to assume that (or if it’s a problem to assume that), it might be worth adding some additional detail here to help us file this away in the right spot. The transition from admiring himself in the mirror to this sort of threatening thought is a big jump, and I’m not entirely sure what to make of it. If I was reading something longer, I’d probably mentally note it as “Okay. He lives in a state of constant hatred of J. Check. Unclear if J deserves that or not.” and move along until that becomes relevant. But if we didn’t get more clarification on it before too long, I’d get a little antsy because of how bluntly the thought is put out there, and because it seems to play a big part in the aloneness and completeness that is mentioned here. Opening 3: “shed…and don” ? The sentence feels incomplete with just the commas. The crotch-scratching detail goes even more firmly into the “Is this necessary?” category in my brain when the colorful commentary on squishing into seats is removed. “stepped into…and stood” ? The “through the timeline” sentence runs more smoothly here than in version 2 Overall: I definitely agree with the others. Two is my favorite, followed by one, then three. I think that one gives the strongest impression of who the character is and where he’s coming from. I don’t know enough about where things go from here to say much about whether it seems like it should be trimmed back or what questions need clearer answers here or what can be put off until later.

@Silk Things have been a little too hectic this past week or so for me to have the chapter fully ready by tomorrow, but I'd like to claim a spot for the 11th if I can. Hoping a looming deadline will get me to buckle down and just push through the part I've been struggling to get right. @Robinski, if you're up for looking at the new prologue (different pov, more relevant events, 1.5k fewer words), I'd appreciate thoughts on that. Doing final edits on that this week to submit for my class next week. Other than that, reading Chapter 13 (submitted 9/6) before 15 might be helpful for context, but a full critique on that one isn't important if you're short on time (obviously, I'm glad to get whatever feedback you're willing to offer on any of it ). Chapter 14 will be a different pov from 13 and 15, with a less direct lead-in. So "catching up" is less important on that front. Excited to finally get to read some of your writing!

Pg 1: “someone who doesn’t feel the need to make constant conversation” oh man. I’m with ya there, W. “police car” uh oh. Pg 2: “from earlier” this makes it sound like it had been the same day. “the other day” or something like that might work better. Trying to remember how long it’s been in-story since that interaction. “Please remember what we said.” Gee. What a fun family this must be to hang out with… Pg 3: “not saying that as an insult…” not entirely sure how this could have been taken as an insult. Pg 4: “The driveway…” has she been here before? I guess it’s his grandpa’s house. So he wasn’t living there while they were together, I assume. But if grandpa is local, there was never any big family party that she was invited to or anything like that? For some reason it seems strange that she wouldn’t have been there. But then, my family is big on inviting significant others to everything so my perception could just be skewed there. “watch his back” how regularly do they expect him to get beat up on? “my lack of social skills” I know she’s direct about these sorts of things, but calling it out this specifically seems a little like overkill when we often get her thoughts about how her poor social skills. I think something along the lines of “That is going to be difficult.” would be clear enough and wouldn’t sound quite as forced. Pg 5: “doesn’t have to try at that” Huh. Meek wouldn’t have been a word I would have picked to associate with E. At least not in the way W seems to be implying (deferential/submissive). Not that he’s loud and overbearing, but his attempts to help people through their problems in a sort of aggressively supportive way doesn’t quite read as meek to me… Not sure. Maybe I just have some strange religious-upbringing-rooted connotations with “meek” that are making it seem funny. Pg 6: “I don’t like her either.” Is this from E? Why does no one just tell him to stop dating her? The sentence describing grandpa is a little long. “margarita” not “margherita” Margherita is the pizza. “I though the J- girl…” Man. Also a super fun family to hang out with… Pg 7: “I wonder if this guy” Again wondering how W doesn’t know this already. Pg 8: “places a hand on the boy’s shoulder” not sure if this is because I took a break in reading and am jumping back in this morning, but the blocking here threw me off. I hadn’t gotten that grandpa was within arm’s reach of C in the earlier setup. “He brought several women over” while there’s probably no not-awkward way to get this across, this seems like an odd way to explain… Pg 9: The conversation through here also feels a little off for some reason. Like things seem spelled out more than they need to be to the point that it feels maid and butler-y “N says” should be E says. Pg 10: Wouldn’t most of the target audience know what allosexual means? Even if they don’t, I’d think the context would get the point across. Pg 11: “Not sure I want to ask.” I get W having this perspective, since she’s a little more reserved and not as comfortable in social situations. However, I’m sort of surprised that N isn’t a little more up front with E about the fact that being allosexual doesn’t mean they’re making out in corners every moment they’re together. I get where E is coming from, wanting to give them some privacy because he’s not sure what being allosexual is supposed to look like and it seems like what he’s supposed to do. I’m a little surprised N doesn’t call him out on it, though, since he doesn’t seem to get as embarrassed about that sort of thing as W would. It seems odd that he’d let the misunderstanding go when it’s something that E is likely a little sensitive about as he’s navigating being ace around allo friends. E leaving his friends assuming they need privacy to make out feels like a very isolating move, so just silently letting him go then acknowledging that the reasons he left are flawed seems a little rude on N and W’s part. I think this partly pokes at the part of me that gets really irritated about society pushing teens and kids into any “romantic” relationships before they actually make sense (I think this is also part of what bothers me about no one being concerned about how much E and B don't like each other. Because it makes it seem like it's supposed to be normal, since at least he's with someone). It also seems to be enforcing the idea that relationships need to have a strong physical/sexual component to be a real relationship, and that romantic relationships should automatically get priority over friend relationships. I doubt that’s intentional, since it doesn’t match up with the rest of the story’s pushing back against social/relational norms, but by not having someone acknowledge that E is unnecessarily leaving his friends in his room to hang out by himself in a house where he’s obviously not super comfortable, it’s coming across that way a little to me. Pg 12: “aren’t guns made out of…?” This seems like a place to push W’s intelligence. “But guns are made of steel. There’s iron in them.” Or something like that. Though if it’s just where they’re touching the gun that can’t have iron in it, I think a lot of guns are coated in things other than steel, since iron and steel can rust. This isn’t based on much, but I’d assume most modern guns try to make as many parts out of non-ferrous metals as possible to avoid rusting and minimize weight (iron is heavy) Some of the conversation in 12-16 feels like it goes on a little longer than necessary, and is a little more on the nose than feels natural for a conversation between teenagers. Your notes say that was just rewritten, so I'm guessing an editing pass or two will help with some of that, but I do still think it should take more than a single conversation for them to get down to the root of the problem, even if they are able to address some of it here. 1. Points of engagement/non-engagement/confusion? No confusion except for the one blocking situation. I like getting more information about E's backstory and having N and W address some of their relationship challenges, but I do think the conversations around those could be streamlined a little better to make the dialogue seem more natural for the character's ages. 2. Thoughts on characters? Mostly covered that above. At the moment, I mostly feel bad for E for feeling like he has to leave the other two when he and W just had a big conversation about how they're both worried about N.

Man. Way behind on comments for this one. Sorry about that! Pg 1. “blocky and precise” I think someone else had mentioned that the surgeon comparison seems odd. I think you probably mean the precision of a surgeon doing surgery, but it’s hard to separate that from the doctor-handwriting stereotype. Maybe a draftsman or architect’s precision? Since that has more of a neat-handwriting connotation? The “no kisses for now” sentence is a little confusing to me. It seems like it’s coming across as them intentionally restraining the physical side of their relationship because they think that if they’re not stealing kisses by ponds, they’ll be able to keep their relationship where it’s at. But I don’t see how that’s going to prevent love from being tied into things. I think there are a lot of people who, even if physically/sexually attracted to their partner, are primarily going to give and receive love in other ways. If we cautiously look down the “love languages” path (There’s certainly some odd baggage that goes with it in certain circles, but I think the key points are relevant.), they say the main ways people give and receive love are through quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch, gift-giving, and acts of service. To me, N seems like someone who is very physical-touch/gift-giving oriented (lots of hugs, bringing her pastries), but W seems more on the quality-time side of things (bonding over board games) Starting with the “I’m not in a good mental state to offer physical affection” angle seems far more solid, since it shows us that physical affection takes more mental effort from her, and there’s too much going on for her to manage that. A related point that might be relevant would be how N responds to that. He seems like the type to run in and give someone a big hug if they’re hurting. Does he recognize that that’s not going to help her at the moment and find some other way to support her? Is she fine being supported with hugs, but not giving them? And if that’s the case, does N feel neglected because she’s not being physically affectionate back? Hopefully some of that random tangent is relevant. As a non-huggy person with a lot of very huggy friends and family members, I probably think about this more than most people. It also means I'm very sympathetic to W's not being in a good mental state to be offering physical affection, though. So there's that. Pg 2. “I know it looks bad…” There still seems to be a lot of everyone being sort of suspicious that their partners are going to run off and cheat on them or being worried that their partners are suspicious of it, even though they know and trust each other. It makes those parts of conversations seem strangely paranoid. I think the conversation on this page could be trimmed back a good deal. I like that they’re good at discussing things that they’re worried about, but it goes on a little long. Pg 4: “Seriously, would it kill you to be direct?” Yeah. That. The indirectness goes on a little too long for the tension to hold. I think even just the “Oh no, something’s wrong” feeling of having been called down to the office and seeing A and B there is long enough for the “They beat up N” point to hit pretty hard. Pg 5: “What does this have to do with me?” she seems less concerned than she probably should be. “attackers” seems like an odd word choice. It has too much of a military/criminal feel to it for A to be referring to a classmate. Also, why is A here? What exactly is the principal trying to figure out? He seems rather uninvolved in the actual conversation. If he’s not necessary to the conversation, I wonder if it would make sense to have A sneakily pull W out of class for this instead of having the principal call them down? Something about the setup here feels a little forced, which isn’t helping the conversation feel natural. Pg 4-8 I think a lot of the conversation through here would be stronger if trimmed back a little and made a little less formal. The overall path of the conversation seems solid. It just stops at the individual points a little too long, or gets caught on phrasing that doesn’t seem to fit stressed high schoolers, and that makes it easy to lose track of where we’re going. “I’ve missed you.” What’s W feel about that? We haven’t noticed her missing A too much, have we? How’s she feel about having the relationship re-initiated immediately after this incident between B and N? Pg 9-13 I’m…not sure what to make of B here, and not entirely sure where this conversation is going. Part of it is just that it’s hard to imagine her as a high school student. I work with middle school and high school students on pretty much a daily basis, and while there are a couple who have similar unusual, overly-intellectual speech patterns, they are generally not the center of popularity circles. She seems to be too self-aware and socially aware to be asking some of the questions she is, or to miss some of the details she has. Even if she has a mysterious tragic/traumatic past she’s working from, it’s hard to see the jaded persona she’s presenting here as feasible. Overall: I think the point that no one seems actually concerned about N is one of the biggest things that sticks with me on this one. Especially when that seemed to be the big tension point back at the beginning. It seems like things would flow better if the “N got hurt, and it’s made us think about things” conversations would follow actually checking on N. Random thought (feel free to ignore): What if B has A sneak W out of class and out of school for some made up emergency. Tells her N got beat up, and he’s at E’s. B drive’s them to E’s, and N has taken some ibuprofen and is sleeping (or E covers for him, if some magical fae healing powers have kicked in or something), so they have their various other conversations there. I think getting to some sort of “we’re worried about N, but we’ve done everything we can on that front at the moment” point before the conversations would be really helpful in keeping that from being a point of distraction throughout. As for B, I’m not sure. I like some of the aspects I think I’m getting from her character, but it seems like it’s been pushed a little too far to be realistic in some ways, and I don’t have a good enough sense of her role in the story at the moment to know what to do with her being suddenly shoved into center stage. It doesn’t help that we don’t get much of what W things of what she’s saying, or that the conversation goes on pretty long and gets tricky to follow in some places.