C_Vallion

Initial thought before reading: I’m probably the exception among the group in that I don’t really enjoy long battle scenes. I tend to skim them in most books. Obviously won’t be doing that here, but it will likely color my perception of the chapter overall, and I would weigh others’ opinions on specific battle-related details over mine. Overall thoughts after reading: I agree that the fight is too long overall, though I would probably think that even if everyone else thought it was perfectly fine, just because of general reading preferences. I’m still really excited about the setting and airships and want to see what adventures C is going to be going on from here, but it is a little frustrating to be this far into the story and still not have the attachment to the MC that I would like. At the moment, I don’t care enough about C to be concerned about how the battle goes, and never really felt like they were in real danger through it. The moment the first exchange had destroyed most of the enemy soldiers, I wasn’t afraid that the Good Guys were going to come to any harm. And being in C’s perspective didn’t help since he wasn’t as actively involved with the fighting. If we were seeing the battle through V’s eyes, I might be more concerned, because I’m more invested in him at this point, and he was more active in the battle. But I still don’t think it has as much tension as it could if there was a real threat of something going wrong. Action is good, and it feels more is happening than in other chapters, but I still don’t have a good idea of what direction the story is going. Which is a problem at 10k words (feel free to turn this specific comment right back at me in a couple weeks when I’m back to submitting chapters for PoP and am wrestling with opening chapter issues). The fact that I’m not generally as excited about battles meant that I also probably focused on more little nitpicky things than most people would, and there were a number of things that stuck out as making it difficult to suspend disbelief (they’re noted below) 1. The sword/axe thing was probably the single biggest thing that seemed over the top, especially because I don’t get the practicality of it. The two maneuvers at the end with the coal mine and the bridge could probably be close to that line, but I think would be fine and a lot of fun with details worked out 2. I think the whole chapter is probably too long, but my opinion beyond that is probably not helpful since I almost always think battle scenes are too long. 3. I think V is the main one who we get any additional characterization from. The reveal on Sa is interesting, and I’m looking forward to figuring out more about what’s going on there, but I don’t know that I know any more about his character, per se. Just what he is. Sort of. Most importantly we didn’t get anything additional on C, since he seemed to just be along for the ride for most of the chapter. Pg 1: “I will do no such thing.” This seems like a good way to suggest that you have things to hide. “Captain V’s eyes turned defiant” Might one say bravely defiant? Hmmmm? Pg 2: “You’re no foreigner.” I’m still a little confused as to why V had C stick around if he’s then going to try to keep any of the navy men from interacting with him. Pg 3-4 “Enough time for-?”, “What-?” (Also “Let us be frank here – this ‘search’…” from pg 2): I only recently had this pointed out to me (from someone on RE, but I can’t think of who. If whoever it was comes across this, Thanks!). The sentence break punctuation for these should be an em-dash, not a hyphen. If you’re using Word, the keyboard shortcut is Alt + 0151 for an em-dash. If you’re not using Word, I’m sure a quick search could get you the right keyboard shortcut for it. “You allowed us to board based on that…?” The ellipses imply he’s trailing off, but this seems like a complete thought, so I’m not sure they’re necessary. “…but even still,” I think this should be either “but still,” or “but even so,”. Likely the latter. There’s also another en-dash that should be an em-dash there, but I’ll stop pointing those out from here. Just need to do a find/replace for hyphens and en-dashes. When did C get a long knife? Did we know he was armed and I just missed it? How is he keeping track of the guy’s sword (knife? It’s unclear what weapon is being thrusted) while flipping him over his shoulder? Seems like a good way to get one or both of them accidentally stabbed. Also, the last place I’d want an unknown armed opponent is behind me. Even for the time it takes to turn to engage again (also, isn’t turning to slash at the man’s arm — at which point, why slash the arm instead of just killing him? — going to turn his back to the other armed soldiers?). Why not just slash/stab him from the front instead of adding a throw that exposes his back to his opponents? Pg 5: I was pretty sure daggers and long knives were definitively different. I’d have to confirm, but the impression I had is that a dagger is defined by being double-edged and a knife is defined by being single-edged. But C’s is referred to by both terms here. “B and V were trading blows with each other…” with each other is understood. The sentence comparing B’s and V’s fighting styles slows things down a little and doesn’t seem necessary. “Reinforcements” Okay. You mentioned having a half-dozen royal navy guys after the initial exchange. So what are V’s crew doing now? They cut down a bunch of the enemy in the first moments. Are all of them actively engaged with the remaining people? Did none of them see the lines and have the initiative to cut them? If they’re used to this sort of battling, I’d assume someone would be manning the crane and keeping an eye out for this sort of thing at all times. Either way, it seems odd for C to be the one to notice it. And it seems odd for V to be both in the midst of the center spotlight fight and trying to command people elsewhere on the ship. It divides his attention and puts him at a lot of risk. “the lines weren’t even caught in it” What are the lines made of? Are they just rope? If airship battles are a regular thing, and methods of attack are similar, I’d assume that both sides would expect certain attack and defense mechanisms. And for any cast-on lines to be reliable, I’d expect them to include some sort of metal cabling for these sorts of applications. Rope is all well and good for ocean-ship-boarding maneuvers, but I’d think the force rating for rope would make it really risky to use between airships. And if it’s metal cabling, I have trouble imagining a crane powerful enough or blade sharp enough to cut through them that easily. It seems to take B a conveniently long time to recover and return while V is giving orders. Pg 6: What is C doing while all this is going on? He is part of the initial attack, but seems to be standing around after that. I don’t have a clear image of what V’s sword is doing. If the blade extends and what he needs is extra reach, why go into pickaxe-mode, which reduces the reach by the length that’s folded over (for lack of a better term). Moving parts and hinges also seem like really problematic failure points from a force distribution perspective. “…impaled through the chest…” this wording, to me, implies stabbing, but the pickaxe idea implies slicing. So I’m not sure what to picture here. Pg 7: “stabbed his pickaxe in the deck” This seems like unwise weapon-care. For this weapon in particular. The amount of force that’s going to take is not going to be very kindly absorbed at the hinge-point. Still unsure why C is still on deck through this if he’s standing around. This chapter seems like it would make more sense to be from V’s perspective. Or to adjust C’s role in the fight. “V rode out the drop…kneeling on the deck…” This posture seems likely to throw him to the ground when they jerk to a stop. I’d think he’d have more control to brace for impact with a slightly-crouched stance to let his legs absorb the impact better. (I probably wouldn’t have noticed this, but I spent part of this week working on impact absorbing jumps with the kids I coach, so it’s fresh in my mind) Pg 8: “…now less than one hundred feet above the ground.” Didn’t it say a few hundred feet a few paragraphs up? “…withdrew his pickaxe…flicked it back to the backsword… somewhere in his coat.” I have questions about how this works. Pg 9: V sure does have a lot of stuff in his coat. I’m not sure what the flare guns are achieving if he’s also shouting orders to the crew. Pg 10: Well… goodbye, maps. I like the idea of this, but am confused by the overall blocking of it and unsure how the flare gun would succeed in getting the coal dust dispersed in the air. What’s propelling it out of the mine shaft? And how high is the risk of them blowing themselves up in the process here? “oxygen-starved air” If they’re far enough above the explosion to not get caught in it entirely, would the air here be oxygen-starved? Where’d it go? Also, as a general airship question (I don’t know how the genre deals with this), how do airship crews deal with sudden elevation and air pressure changes? Wouldn’t they be used to low-oxygen atmospheres just due to altitude? Do writers of airship-fiction deal with things like decompression sickness or anything like that? It seems like that would take a toll on the bodies of airship crews. But that’s more of a general question than one for your story in particular. Pg 11: I thought V didn’t know the area. If the map they picked up was focused on wind currents, I’d think basic land details might be included, but it seems iffy to assume their ship will fit under a bridge they’ve never seen before. Also, why are the other ships still chasing them at this point. What do they think is worth the effort? Pg 12: “At least a hundred years” This brings up more questions about the condition of the abandoned town in the previous chapter. And how does C know this information if he’d only ever been there a couple times to get maps? Pg 13: The forces involved in this maneuver don’t quite add up to me. Good, solid cables (instead of wire) might provide some resistance, but they or some mechanism on the crane are going to give out before the bridge does. I’d expected when V was talking about this that they would go under the bridge and swing themselves around it, using cables as an anchor to rotate around. This would raise new physics questions, but it seems like a more likely outcome than pulling the bridge down. Pg 14: How did they cut cables that were strong enough to not snap under the weight of pulling the bridge free? C suddenly knows a lot more about standard airship setup than I would have expected based on what we have seen from him before. Pg 15: V’s instructions to Ir seem a little odd. How would he have responded if Sa- had been dismissive of the injuries among the crew? And, I mean. V, himself, doesn’t seem all that concerned. Why’s Ir supposed to act more sympathetic than they are when she is the one who isn’t even human? Pg 16: More physics questions with Sa blocking a gun shell. Even if his body can physically withstand the blast, the weight ratios and forces involved would have sent him and V both back through whatever was behind them, and he probably crushed V in the process. Pg 17: Was Ir unaware of whatever Sa is? And isn’t Ir above Sa in the command structure? Does he have the authority to question her like this? I’d rather see C’s internalized thoughts revealed more through conversation and actions. And am still wondering if his PoV is the best option for this chapter, when he’s not doing a lot through most of it. Pg 18: His summary of what the knight is doing there and what must have happened doesn’t seem to match the urgency of telling them to run. And if it is a ground unit, can’t they just fly out of range? Or follow the gorge and keep cover there until they have a clearer escape? I like the urgency of the last line, but I think C’s explanatory paragraph right beforehand takes away from the tension of it.

Overall: I still really like the world, and the mystery of the earrings and V’s appearance are interesting, but there’s a lot of repetition in here of things the reader already knows without a clear enough focus on where things are going. I think this section could be trimmed back a lot to focus on those more concrete mysteries, which will help, but we need more than vague feelings from C to know why she’s setting out to figure out the curse. What is at risk if she doesn’t do that? If she just continues to carry on with life as it is, in all its strangeness, like everyone else seems to? 1. I think the pacing is most hurt by the repetition of things we know. Outside of that, it’s fine, but stopping to repeat things we learned last chapter slows it down a good deal. 2. It seemed straightforward enough to follow. 3. I am guessing C and V will be setting off to figure out what the curse is about and fix it, but I don’t have any idea what that looks like in a practical sense, which is unhelpful for me. Pg 1: “Is it… natural?” through “…enchanting.” I like how she processes this. The suspicion about her own mind tricking her. Depending on how much she mulls over the curse in the changes to the first section, covering the same thing here may be a little repetitive, but it depends how much time she spends processing the curse in that section. Pg 2: “…pours out some chicken feed for the chickens.” Repetition of chickens. Can leave it as “pours out some feed…” without losing the meaning. “ashes bucket” -> “ash bucket”, I think. “strange boy…right where C last mixed the ashen compost…” Our essay hero? Brought to life by Wood Stove? “nobody has put numbers to ages since before.” I like this line and concept, but wonder if it might be more helpful when we are first being introduced to C and the other kids. I also wonder if “before” is going to be enough of a distinctive concept to deserve being capitalized? Or italicizing? Or something. It wasn’t jarring or confusing reading through it here, but I also usually read a little more slowly while doing critiques, so I don’t know if I’d think there was a word missing (“before what?”) if I was reading it in book form or not. “Time flowed in one direction…anywhere” I continue to be really excited about this setting. Time misbehavior always intrigues me as a concept. Pg 3: “Ch rolls into the main room-“ The part of my brain that has fully embraced the weirdness of the town of C thinks this is great. (I think @snakenaps mentioned Welcome to Nightvale? I’ve sort of stepped into the level of suspension of disbelief I had listening to those.) But I assume it’s going to be disorienting to some people. Pg 4: “My friends and I have been…” V might not know these things, but the reader does, and being reminded of specific details surrounding the curse too many times is going to get frustrating to readers. Pg 3-5: The dialogue through here is a little clunky and repetitive, and could likely be trimmed back. V’s mannerisms and language seem to be intentional, but the repetition of things the reader knows about the curse and the wordiness of C’s side of the dialogue make the distinction less clear. It might help to have C observe the strangeness of his language to herself. Her confusion and bewilderment are mentioned a couple times, which helps, but adjusting the wording of her responses to reflect that as well would convey the feeling more strongly. Even if she’s the type to go with the flow and just assume that most weird things are part of life in C, we need to get a clear idea of the things she does find odd. And some of that should come across in her dialogue. Cautious pauses. Skeptical looks and phrasing. Pg 6: “C has, thus far, refrained from commenting…cannot pass without remark.” This sort of thing is what I was thinking might be more helpful closer to the initial observations of V. Even if she intentionally doesn’t comment on it before but feels like she has to at this point. Pg 8-9 The chemistry class is distorting my concept of the apparent age of the kids (even if literal ages aren’t really relevant). It’s hard to picture the same group of kids playfully goofing off in the cursed lands outside town sitting down to learn chemistry. And if the specific topic of the lesson isn’t directly relevant to the plot, it could probably be trimmed back a bit. It feels like it’s more detailed than it needs to be if the point of it is to just show that they have chemistry class that day. The fact that any mention of chemistry classes makes me a little twitchy probably doesn’t help on that front. Pg 9-10: The conversation between C and V doesn’t seem to tell us much we don’t already know, and while looking for suspicious things is something in the way of character goals, having a more specific idea of how they plan to go about that, but I’d like to see the goals and motivations be a little more focused. I’m not convinced C has real motivation to dig into the secrets of the curse, and I’d like to see what specific things she’s hoping to do to find her answers.

@Robinski Can I have a spot for my short story? It's at 6,358 words at the moment, so it's a little long, but I would definitely like some feedback on what pieces are worth trimming back.

I figured it was probably meaning to imply something along those lines, but the concept of imagining uncertainty itself as a friendly face doesn't quite seem to fit religious musing as I understand it. Mostly wanted to make sure the wording was correct as written before I charge in with comments about oversimplification of religious belief.

1. I’d like to see more about the flowers. We get hints at it being significant and that W has questions about it, but she doesn’t make much effort to have those questions answered. I’m frustrated with the fact that she doesn’t ever question An-‘s opinions of E and N, even when neither of them have given us any reason to trust An’s suspicions. And I’m surprised how much time W spends dwelling on what happened with E. She seems practical and rational, which makes it hard to be convinced that she hasn’t come to terms better with what happened with E. I don’t know that I’d expect her to have gotten past it enough to try to renew some sort of friendship with him, but I’d think she would understand his trying to make things work and enjoying the time they spent together even if his feelings aren’t the same as hers. I’d expect less moping about E and more embarrassment that she didn’t see how things actually were. That being said, it was good to see things moving forward and I am looking forward to seeing what happens with the beach trip. (or coast trip. Is there a reason you only refer to it as the coast? 2. Feelings are mixed… There were a few things in here that were clashing with my understanding of W’s character, but also a few things that really solidify my initial understanding. So I’m not sure what to make of that. Also, I’m not sure if we are supposed to believe there’s anything to what An- is saying, but at this point I haven’t seen any reason to and am surprised that W puts up with her if she can’t stand teen social hierarchy stuff. N comes across as a goofy, extroverted, socially awkward teen, and is the sort of cheery that would drive my cynical, introverted self crazy in real life (I have coached a couple of these kids. I never know what to do with them) but I find quirky and adorable here. Pg 1: It sort of surprises me that W is still spending so much time worrying about E after this much time has passed. In the opening chapter, she’d been wondering if she wanted anything to do with a relationship, but since then she’s done a lot of wallowing in what happened with E. She’s shown as a smart, practical person, and while I would expect a feeling of being hurt and offended to linger, I wouldn’t expect her to obsess over something she sees as definitely over. If anything, I’d expect her to throw herself into schoolwork and other activities to distract herself from the feelings that do linger if she’s used to being practical and rational. But that could be me reading too much of my own experience into the character. (Why deal with feelings when there’s math and physics to be done?) It also seems odd that if N wants to talk to W, he can’t find a single moment when she’s not with An. “…best time to express the curiosity that’s always been in me.” The wording of this is a little awkward. “She talks a bit more…her people.” There’s a lot in this sentence, which is making it hard to process in one go. If the topic is going to be relevant to your story, clarifying and keeping the length would be helpful. If it’s not, it might be worth trimming the description a little. Pg 2: “A flower cut off…” I like this line. “But in this case…” If she has grown up with a better understanding of loving platonic relationships where most people would expect romantic or sexual ones, I’m surprised that she didn’t recognize that in E’s explanation in chapter 1. Maybe not at the time, when embarrassment and offense might have cluttered out anything else, but it makes it harder to believe her insistence that he never had any feelings for her. The feelings just weren’t what she thought they were or wanted them to be. “…people imagine the void of uncertainty as a friendly face.” I’m not sure what this is saying. Pg 4: An- is acting like N is predatory and threatening. And while, yeah, she seems to know more about him than W does, I haven’t seen anything from N to suggest that we should trust An’s opinion about him. He seems extroverted and socially awkward, but I’d expect it to come across as innocent goofiness. It is nice to have a feeling of things moving forward more with this, though. Pg 5: I don’t get what sort of suspicious they’re expecting. “Why?” Hah. Pg 6: “if anything comes up.” -> if anything changes? Pg 7: “Good job, W” …does W actually know what happened or is going on between B and either E or N? An seems to refer to it all the time in these suspicious terms, but I haven’t seen any suspicious or malicious behavior from E or N anywhere yet, so I obviously don’t trust her distrust of them. And it seems odd to me that W wouldn’t have gotten the full story from An and seen holes in it by now. “I’ll bet An- was thinking about this…but made sure I wanted nothing to do with N” so if she sees that An- is being socially manipulative to some extent, why does she hang out with her all the time? Or trust her opinion about E and/or N? Pg 8: “…a large number of people from an age demographic not known for our decision-making.” To challenge Kais’s point above, this is exactly how I approached large group situations in high school. Could use a stronger ending. A trip with B and friends suggests lots of possibility for plot progress and things happening. Focusing on that is probably going to make the reader want to continue right away more than ending on the vague confusion created by what just happened.

Overall: I really like the creepiness and strangeness of the setting. The mysterious Wood Stove. The homework mystery. There are a lot of fun details that spark curiosity. The writing is easy to read and flows really well, but is a little wordy in a few spots where the descriptions go on a little longer than they need to. They do a great job of evoking the setting, but some could use some trimming so that it doesn’t move past that to pull the reader out of the story. (I assume that the balance on this probably changes from reader to reader, and especially by age, but I don’t know what would be more or less engaging for a MG or YA reader) Like the others said, I’d be concerned about the lack of chapter breaks (or some other sub-part breaks) causing trouble with mental pacing for a reader. Part of me feels like the setting lends itself to a slightly more meandering/less structured format, but as a reader, my natural instinct is to read toward a chapter break or scene break and stop there. And I’d probably be a little frustrated without some sort of checkpoints along the way, even if they’re not standard chapters. Maybe it just means more clearly delineated scene breaks, and clearer arcs within the scene? I think readers need something clearer to help mark start/stop points, but I don’t know what that might necessarily be. Similarly, I’d echo the others’ comments about needing a clearer inciting incident. There’s a general sense of smaller mysteries that are intriguing, but we don’t get a good sense of where the story is going yet since C- doesn’t seem notably startled by the strange things we do see (except the homework). So it’s hard to tell what is “perfectly normal life” in a town where things don’t exist quite like we expect them to, especially when C- seems to take it all in stride. Which I also like a lot. I think it really shows just how weird and mysterious the town is when our MC is just like “Oh. My essay literally changed itself to a point where it’s no longer understandable as what I wrote? Weird, but okay.” “Oh. One of the other kids chopped all their hair off out of the blue when she seemed to be pretty proud of it? Huh. And they came over to throw it into the CWS? Seems legit.” The only problem with her being so unflappable about the strangeness is that the reader doesn’t know what’s actually strange (even for the town) and what is actually going to flip the switch to start the story. Why does the story start here and now? What makes this the best entry point for the reader? 1. I really like the MC. She seems practical and straightforward, which I always enjoy seeing. And I like the contrast of her practicality with the strangeness of the world. Though like I mentioned above, it makes it a little harder to tell what’s actually weird and what is just I-live-in-Con level of weird. 2. I really like the setting, and am looking forward to finding out more about the mysteries of the town. 3. I would probably read on for a little longer, but I think I would get a little frustrated by the lack of chapter/scene breaks and more concerned the longer we went without a clear inciting incident. Pg 1: “Nobody has ever told…it weren’t forbidden.” Something about the usage of “forbidden” in this paragraph is throwing me a bit. Not enough that I don’t get what it’s saying or anything, but enough to make me pause and read it again. I think it might just be that the structure of the first two sentences runs parallel enough to assume what isn’t there, but the third sentence doesn’t quite flow with them. First is “children …are forbidden from… the wastes” Second, “they are forbidden…” I’d read this as “[children] are forbidden [from the wastes]” initially, but the change in structure on the third sentence makes it seem like “[the wastes] are forbidden” is also a possibility. Third, “if it weren’t forbidden.” Where “entering the wastes” is what is forbidden. I’ve now looked at these lines far too long and “forbidden” no longer means anything. Oops. Pg 2: “I don’t feel cursed at all!” Me, who has read any fairytale ever: Has concerns. “why they all woke up early…” what makes today special if this isn’t something they do often? [a question that is even more relevant after reading through this section without seeing an obvious inciting incident] Pg 5: Are the kids all the same age? If they’re all doing the same assignments, it seems like it would imply that they are at least close in age. But that seems odd if they’re the only kids in the town. Of course, when it comes to strange, cursed towns, this should probably be the least of my questions, but it doesn’t seem quite to fall under the strangeness-due-to-curses category that many other things would. “…who appears in a remote town one day…” A remote town like C- perhaps? Pg 6: I really like the description of the essay change. Especially the “The ink goes all wobbly…” sentence Pg 7: “…historical people doing past things.” Hah. Nice. I like this line too. Pg 8: Though it becomes more evident that this is a special Wood Stove, it definitely seems odd to see it capitalized the first time. I wonder if there’s a way to show the contrast so that it doesn’t seem like a typo. Or to have C internalize something about it being special here. You do this at the top of page 9, but it’s not clear until then. “Almost anything can be fuel…” That’s not ominous at all. Pg 9: The part of me that is looking for an inciting incident really latched onto the television being off. Like them getting up early this day of all days, it’s suggesting that something is special about today. Whether the odd behavior is triggered by an event or an event is triggering the odd behavior, but for YA or MG, I’d expect an obvious incident by now. Pg 10: Similarly expecting something to go funny after the hero essay gets thrown into the Wood Stove. And again with the hair at the end. Thanks for submitting! Looking forward to reading more!

Hah. Yep, you're in the right place. Just a quiet week. Now I wish I'd hurried up to finish my short story edits earlier. Oh well.

Thank you for reminding me of this one! I'd stumbled across it recently and forgot to actually look it up and search the library for it. Overall: I like the setting and world, and I like most of the characters. The jury is still out on C. He seems sort of standoffish and distant, which is going to bother me until I see some reason to excuse it. He obviously has a past that he’s still dealing with, but I don’t think I’m going to be sympathetic to that until I know the scale and significance of the things that he’s facing. It probably doesn’t help that I’m not usually a huge fan of the sort of brooding character with a mysterious past. One general note is that a lot of conversations or descriptions seem to have more time spent on them than necessary, which makes things feel drawn out and meandering at times. The flare gun description. C’s motion sickness. The usage of coal and whether or not that’s normal or outdated. The elevator mechanism. If they’re vital for us to know here and now for this chapter, more description is good, but when they don’t even use the flare gun and the motion sickness doesn’t become relevant, I think they can be trimmed back to keep the pacing up. It seems like most people have commented on the female character situation, so I won’t add too much on that front except to second the comments that I don’t see any reason not to do a gender swap on some of the knights. Or to have more female members of the crew. You mentioned that you’re focusing on basing the characters in the lore, but that can be done with a female variation of the name. Some will probably be easier to swap than others, just because of general gender behavior assumptions, but there’s no reason for your world’s gender norms to match those of our world. They just have to be realistic and consistent within the world. Knights being male in the original legends (and in history) make sense because of general masculine physical strength assumptions and gender roles where the men do the fighting. But if we already have an airship doctor/mechanic (assuming you’re continuing to include that aspect. I hope so. Even if it’s not delved into. The world needs more female mechanics.) of some sort who is female, Arthurian gender roles are already becoming irrelevant. When the world you’re setting up is fine with a female doctor/mechanic, I don’t know why they’d restrict knighthood to men. Especially when the knights are piloting mechs, which makes the physical strength aspect far less relevant. If your keeping with Arthurian lore is the only reason for not having more female characters, you’re going to be putting yourself in a difficult spot, because you’re going to be putting a ton of weight on the statement that those characters are making about women in general. Without even touching on the question of what modern interests and expectations are for publishing compared to the example of LotR. Continuing on to comments: It’s quite possible that I’m overthinking things, but while skimming back through my notes, I realized that the tone of some of the comments could come across as smart-alecky, which I definitely don’t intend. There are a number of things that will be relatively simple fixes, but are currently clashing with my ability to suspend disbelief about the world, so I’m just trying to poke a little at spots where I’m having trouble with some of the details. Especially because I really like the world and setting, so I really want to see it be as cohesive and well-rounded as possible. Pg 1: The first paragraph seemed a little clunky to me. I got what was going on, but it seemed a little jumbled. I think partly because the opening sentence came across to me as them actually docking there, so when it jumps out to the surrounding area then back to there not being a place to dock, it messed with my image of how things were going. Pg 1-2 So it talks about the crane being set up to take two down, and C and Sh are planning to go. The following comments about Sa seem irrelevant if that decision has been made already. Why do they go on to talk about adding a third in? And why is Sa- the one making the call on whether things might be risky or not? Isn’t that something C- would have a better idea of if he’s been there before? If there would be any concern about safety risk, I assume they’d want to keep their doctor on the ship unless she has some skills that would be especially helpful in the task. Or some special interest that makes her insist on going (ruined town related, not looking out for C- related. He seems well enough to not need a doctor following him around for medical reasons). And if Sa- isn’t going with them, why is he standing here? Just to be large and intimidating? Pg 2-3 I’m not sure what to make of the interaction between C and Sa. C seems to be defensive, and I assume that it’s partly because of the secrets in his past that he’s keeping hidden, but since I don’t have a clear idea of why he’s defensive and wary, or to what extent he has reason to feel vaguely threatened by this random very large guy on the ship, it’s sort of just coming across as him being superficially rude and standoffish, which aren’t engaging traits for me. If he has specific suspicions about Sa-, and I knew why Sa- put him on edge, and felt like it was justified, there would be more tension there. But without knowing what he’s being defensive about, it feels a little off. I also didn’t get the sense of any of it being threatening, despite Sh’s comments. I get the sense that they don’t like each other, and they’re being sort of standoffish, but didn’t get the idea that either of them were moving past that to threatening. Pg 4: Why is the flare gun in her bag? Shouldn’t it be in some sort of holster so that it’s at hand in case of an emergency? Not to mention the risk of accidental firing. Pg 5: “…not because the town itself collapsed…” If it’s been quite a while since the coal ran dry, there would still likely be deterioration. Weathering of houses. Animals moving in. Squatters taking up residence (assuming there’s any food source available). If no one is taking care of anything, neglect is going to do a good deal of damage. Pg 6: “Stuck my foot in my mouth again” How? The apology conversation seems odd to me. I haven’t seen enough cultural differences to give weight to that part of it, and I don’t have a good sense of why Sh is so set on helping C. Wanting to be generally helpful, I can see in her character, but why is she so set on helping him when he seems uninterested in being helped. His dismissiveness is also irritating (for similar reasons to the standoffishness above. It’s implied that it’s because of his dark, mysterious past. But if I don’t know anything about that, it’s hard to be sympathetic). Pg 8: “A thick layer of dust covered most of the floor and furniture, save for a trail…” Did everyone just leave all of their stuff when they left? How long has it been since C was here before? From what he’d said, I’d assumed it had been quite a while. [note after checking back: I’d taken the trail in the dust as an indicator that someone else had been there more recently, and that they were at risk of running into them. Or of the map being missing. And expected Sh’s flare gun to come into play in some sort of altercation when they were caught. I was a little disappointed when they didn’t really run into any trouble during their adventure here.] If it’s supposed to be better hidden, wouldn’t they make sure to clear the dust out better when they’ve been through? Mysterious blue glow? Count me in! This is the sort of detail that I want to see in regard to C hiding things. Making vague comments about a past failure (and related defensive pessimism) is far less engaging to me. At the moment, these couple of lines are the thing about him that I have cared the most about. “…was swiftly cut off by torchlight as C lit one up a moment later.” Where’d the torch come from? What’s he lighting it with? Torches in small —likely flammable — spaces seems risky. Pg 9: “…walls were covered…a few buckets…” This is not a good way to store maps. No drawers or flat files? No shelves to stack rolled maps? Stored in buckets on ends? No humidity control? These things are going to be falling apart. How long have they been here? And who built the secret map room? Why in the mining town? Is there any reason they have a secret room instead of just a library that had proper storage? A locked room or vault off an archive? An abandoned secret elevator that no one is doing any maintenance on seems like a recipe for disaster. And if there’s no other way in or out, it puts anything inside at risk if the mechanism fails. Pg 10: “Ag‘s.” The map is Ag’s? Are all of them his? And if C took over for him, are they now C’s? This goes back to the above question of who built the room and why it is where it is. Though if it is a sort of record room specifically associated with the knight-ly role that Ag or C have, that would at least provide some explanation for why C wants to keep most of them there. I hadn’t gotten a clear idea that C has any sort of responsibility for or ownership of the maps, but if some (at least one) had been Ag’s, maybe he would? Pg 11: “I remember it like it was yesterday.” This makes it seem like it’s been a really long time, but I hadn’t gotten the impression that C was all that old. I think the conversation about Ag would be more impactful if we knew more about C and what he perceives as his failure. Right now, he obviously sees Ag- as the ideal example of the Exp‘s knight, and is comparing their accomplishments. C makes it very clear that he thinks he’s failed to meet the standard that Ag- set, but when we don’t have a good sense of what it means to be the Exp‘s knight, or of what has actually happened in C’s past, it makes it hard to know if we should agree with him and be sympathetic or if he’s just whining and cynical. We don’t need to know all of it, but we need enough of it to stay engaged with his character and motivations. Pg 12: “…it’s not like there’s going to be anyone else who’s going to be coming, right?” This goes back to who made the secret map room with the secret closet elevator access. It seems like a lot of work and a lot of information to be just abandoned. Who technically owns them? Or owned them? And why would they have left them there? Pg 13: “Sh didn’t have to use her flare gun, much to her disappointment.” To my disappointment as well. I’d expected them to have more trouble tracking down the map they’re looking for. But everything seemed to be quite straightforward. “…tell him he has excellent taste.” in maps? The phrasing of that one seems odd. I’d also sort of thought Ag- had made the map (trying to tie together context of what it is that the Exp’s knight’s responsibilities are) Pg 13-14: The conversation about the captain offering help just stresses how little we know about C’s history and what he’s trying to do without providing any additional helpful information to grab onto. The shift in conversation from C describing the queen to V assuming they’re here for his ship is a little sudden. “…the choice is not up to you.” On one hand, C- seemed to be fine enough to go on his map-search adventure. So it seems odd that Sh is getting defensive about his physical health now. Also, he’s not armed in any way that I know of, so what is anyone expecting him to do in a battle? But I’d expect V to have more respect for his doctor’s opinion on the matter of patient health. I’m also not sure why she demands to stay there. Especially if it’s not part of the normal routine. As it is now, it makes her seem a little childish (especially with the dramatic sigh before turning to go) when I’d expect her tendency toward wanting to be helpful to be most useful in preparing to treat anyone who might get wounded. Pg 17: I like the final line. It definitely further solidifies my appreciation of the captain

Overall: When were we introduced to the concept of what flares are? I had remembered vaguely what the term meant, and am pretty sure that if I was reading straight through, it would have been clearer, but I did do a double-take on it the first time the term shows up here. I really enjoy Sal- and Y- in general, so I really enjoyed this chapter. I didn’t get too caught up on technical terms, but I think the “getting pulled through a door” image that Sal- mentions at some point had developed in my head pretty early on, when they started talking about the cellulose not being broken down entirely. That combined with the knowledge from previous chapters of there being passages between planes put those two things together pretty clearly in my head (I’m assuming that’s what our anomaly is). I imagine it would have been far more confusing if I didn’t have that image in my head to attach the vaguer ideas to. Looking forward to seeing where things go! Pg 2: “…tore a new fissure in her chest.” So the computer is falling apart (losing cellulose). She’s looking for more information about what’s going on with Pru? And each piece of information she’s finding is painful? Is that right? With the ship literally deteriorating, the wording in this line makes it hard to tell if she’s experiencing emotional pain regarding what she’s finding or a physical pain from some connection she has with the computer itself and its deterioration. “…read it out loud.” To whom? I assume to Nick, but I didn’t get that he was interacting with them at the moment. His paraphrasing comments are helpful, since it makes the information easier to absorb, but I think it would be helpful to clarify that he’s summarizing the record for Nick. Pg 3: I like the emotion-shift here, but think there needs to be a more obvious to make the point of realization clearer. Some physical pause or shift or something between “There were Ris- flares on Pru.” And “But Pru had exploded.” I’d normally expect the single line “But Pru-…” to be enough to do that on its own if it’s a short, single sentence on its own line, but it doesn’t stand out quite as much when the lines around it are also single sentence lines, so I think it might need something more to make the reader feel how jarring the shift is for Sal. Pg 4: “…captains had to hold it together…” The “WE SHOULD NOT BE CONCERNED” contrasting with her curled up in a grieving/overwhelmed ball seems like a combination of things that have already moved past “holding it together.” Here and into the next page, the sort of false hope that she seems to be trying to portray hits funny. What exactly is her intention of communicating the hopeful message that she doesn’t really believe when her body language is so clearly sending another message? She’s obviously not hiding anything, considering Y’s line about watching her meld with a chair. Does she think her hopeful message is convincing? Pg 5: “Are planets mammals? Fish? Rocks?” Animal, Vegetable, or Mineral. Go. Also, I enjoyed Y’s mental wandering here. I think seeing him work through processing it makes the details easier to follow and calls out the important things. Or at least gives a sense of "We need to know this much at this point" which for me, at least, makes it easier to just go along with the fact that I don't have all of the details 100% in line yet. Pg 6: “The biometal…went cold” Is this an instantaneous thing? There’s no residual heat in the materials? I don’t know enough about what exactly the biometals do or how they work, but that sudden of a change seems iffy from a heat-transfer perspective. Where is all of the heat dissipating to instantly? Pg 7: “…she typed…” on what? Pg 9: “She didn’t need her stomach and intestines ripped apart…” ouchy… Pg 10-12: “a minute of oxygen left” How long has it been since things shut down. Has the oxygen been actively sucked out somewhere else? I wouldn’t think the cockpit would become unbreathable so quickly, even if there isn’t new air being pumped in. I found this useful-looking post on the matter, but have not done any looking-into whatsoever on its accuracy. It at least seems far closer to my general perception of air usage and dispersion, though. Unless there’s something actively pumping in bad air, or the oxygen is actively leaking out, I don’t see things falling apart quite so quickly. https://kimberlymoynahan.com/2012/04/friday-fiction-facts-trapped-in-an-airtight-room/

Yeah. I'll be jumping back in with either a revised Chapter 1 or a short story that I've been working on here in the next couple weeks. Just wanted some of the dust to settle to provide a fresher start after cutting the old opening chapters. And revising took longer than expected because I started in on some of my to-read list in the process, and have probably been doing more reading and writing this past week or so. Oops. I think that would work fine for the first day or two, but when you mentioned that he'd been there for weeks by then, it just seems like he's setting out to get a beating. Having him learn from initial interactions is an option for him to be actively making a decision not to antagonize the guard, and having the self-control to follow through, no matter how much he wants to strike out (verbally or physically) at him. I was thinking this might help you out on that front as well Ultimately, a lot of religion details can be brushed over if they aren't central to the plot of your story. The fact that yours is inherently tied into the history of the kingdom is going to make that trickier (especially if part of the story leads into unearthing the secrets behind what they all believe), but I would still offer the same advice offered to me about not introducing too much at once, and not introducing it before you need to. I'm still pretty horrible at actually applying that advice, but I do recognize it as good advice. You want to use the religion to tell us something about the characters (which is also going to help with having the feeling of more well-rounded characters). If you're changing the scene around, it's probably not going to be relevant anyway, but the possibilities I liked about A- insisting on praying before the execution were that it either shows him as 1. devout about his religion and really believes that prayer for his soul is necessary to make up for his supposed sins (not as much fun, but it shapes his character) or 2. He isn't devout. Doesn't actually believe in it. But he had to learn things about it as a kid and knows some people are devout and that if the guards are in any way decent human beings, they might humor his going through the rituals, which can buy him some time to do something. It seems like the latter point was what you were leaning toward, but the murmuring of the prayer to himself (instead of saying it out loud) and his actually remembering the full prayer contradict that a little. If they can't hear him, what does it matter what he's actually saying (and if he doesn't actually believe it, I'd expect some fudging of the words to reflect that)? So we get the full prayer, which acts as a bit of a religion info dump, but we don't get as much about what it means to him, which is what we care more about at this point. I grew up in a very culturally-Catholic area, so most of my friends went through the whole process of being baptized and catechized and checking the related boxes of being a "Proper Catholic", but if I asked them now, I doubt many (if any) of them would remember wording of specific prayers unless they are recited at holiday-related-mass. Because it was more of a community expectation than a devout belief. Even now, they probably like the comfort of tradition surrounding it, but may or may not actually believe any of it. At the moment, the concern I would see is not necessarily offending people of a certain religion so much as implying connections to a certain religion that aren't actually there and confusing people. Most religious fantasy readers are going to expect to come across religions that differ from their own (or ones that satirize their own to some extent). But things like using a Christian prayer or even the name/title of Saint Gab- are going to have people that are familiar with Christianity making assumptions about the world that aren't accurate. Which will probably be really confusing and frustrating when they find out it's different. The main issue I see here is praying to Saint Gab- for forgiveness from sins, which implies a concept of sin and a need to be saved from it. In Christianity, the whole point of the sacrifice of the "enlightened leader" is that Jesus wasn't claiming to be an enlightened leader. He was claiming to be God. And his sacrifice was specifically intended to save his followers from the consequences of their sin. Because when God's law is broken, blood must be shed as a consequence —hence the blood sacrifices in ancient Israel— and the only sacrifice big enough to cover the sins of all of his followers is some form of the sacrifice of God himself, in the form of Jesus. So the sacrifice is directly related to the sin problem, and if Jesus is God, he has the power to offer forgiveness, so Christians pray to him for forgiveness, since it was his death that solved their sin problem. In very rough terms. So by having A- pray to Saint Gab- for forgiveness from sins (basically, by referencing a Christian prayer), it's implying that 1. there is a sin problem in the world, and 2. Saint Gab- is the one who gets to make the final call on whether or not people should be forgiven. Referencing Christian prayers might be relevant if that's what you're going for, but unless it's important to the religion and world, I'd avoid the concept of sin as a whole because I think any reference to it is going to tie things far closer to Christianity than you probably want to. There's certainly room for people sort of deifying a great hero or great mage (the follow-up story to Price of Peace deals with this to some extent, so I've thought about it a bit, and will likely be doing so more as I do the actual writing instead of just outlining it). And if Saint Gab- was part of saving the kingdom from destruction, it would make sense for someone to pray to him to be saved from eternal destruction (this branches off into questions about what awaits in eternity. What A- wants to be saved from. And what greater power is in charge of that. But that's a whole other can of worms). But bringing the concept of being saved from sin is going to tie it far more closely to Christianity than I think you are going to want to do because of the implications it's going to carry with it. The closer it is, the more you're going to have trouble with "But if this is like Christianity, then why does x happen. And how does y work. And what ever happened to z?" Many readers won't really care about the answers to those questions (unless they are me and enjoy poking at these things). But if they recognize it as "sort of like Christianity" the questions will come up, and if the story religion clashes with the understanding they have, they'll get confused or frustrated. Whereas if you're mostly working with a great mage/hero/etc. who is now basically viewed as a god, there are theological concepts you don't have to address directly or at all. When you're starting with a blank page, you can just leave some spots blank. But if you're working from something that already exists (and is something that most people will have an existing understanding of), you have to be careful that the spots you would have preferred to leave blank don't already have things inked in. And now, before I find another rabbit trail to start off on, I'm going to leave it at that. Feel free to stop me if any of this is overwhelming or un-looked-for. Hopefully parts of it are helpful, but I know I tend to ramble when I start on these sorts of things. And if it's sort of helpful and you'd like to direct me at anything specific, feel free to point me in that direction and let me wander that way a bit.

1 There’s a much better sense of actual danger through the potential execution and the escape, but the ability to just run away is surprising. Weren’t there walls and gates? Did all of the guards show up weighed down by full battle armor for the execution of a malnourished seventeen year old? It seems like it would take more cleverness for him to get away. 2 I like that he’s far more active this time around. Even when he’s stuck in the cell, he’s trying to keep up his strength, and actively pursues something that might give him a chance to escape once he sees it. I still don’t have much of a sense of his personality, but his struggle to escape is far more engaging this time around. 3 Definitely a lot better (really, all of the language is a lot less wordy and stilted). Though some of that might be a general impression because there isn’t as much of it breaking up the rest of the text. There is still spots that need work, but this is far better than previous chapters in that regard. 4 Yes! Focusing in on A- having to make his own decisions and figure things out on his own does a much better job of making him an engaging character. There’s no one for him to just blindly go along with, and we see more of his capabilities in place of someone else’s. Well done on the changes! Pg 1: Still seeing verb tense errors in cases like “he had kept track of the days” instead of “he kept track of the days.” The latter implies he’s doing it in line with the current timeline of the story. But when it’s talking about “in the beginning” you need the past perfect tense. Any time the character is thinking back to something that had happened before the current scene is taking place. “He had lost track after a week”, “hope of freedom had become”, “series of events that had led him there.” If he has been there long enough to know that the guard is going to start beating him, it seems odd that he would antagonize him. If it was the first day or two, and he hadn’t figure out how cruel the guard was going to be, mouthing off makes sense. But I would have expected him to learn better after weeks. Pg 2: Adding on to the previous point, being motivated by hatred is one thing (seems like there’s a lot of hatred to be motivated by), but knowing when to lay low to avoid beatings or having his food dumped on the floor doesn’t contradict that. Pg 3: “…Ordinary stone. Stone.” Is there some realization being made here? The repetition seems odd. The giant paragraph on page 3 could be split up to add some emphasis to certain lines. As it is now, it’s a rather intimidating block of text. So now he’s trying to get along with the jailer. Why not during the first weeks? Pg 5: Seems like he resists what the count is doing pretty easily. “A- felt foolish for ever believing the count, even for a second.” When did he believe him? At the original dinner? It didn’t seem like he trusted the offer to escape, since he acknowledged that he was just playing along. Also, when used as “the count” instead of the full “Count C-“, count should be lowercase. Is the count not going to give any sort of “if you don’t actually bend to my will, I’m going to kill you” ultimatum? Seems odd that he’d bother to hold him that long then just say “meh. He seems stubborn. Kill him.” What was his alternative plan? Was it so important to have spent weeks keeping A- alive? If so, I’d expect him to push the matter more. Pg 7: Five guards seems like a lot to send for one person who’s been underfed for weeks. How many guards does the count have? And what are they doing all day every other day? Seems like a pretty boring job. Hope they’re getting paid well. [note after reading on: especially if they are also all turning blind eyes to abductions and child-murder] Oh. An axe and executioner and everything. Why not just cut his throat in the cell and be done with it? It does make for a very clear, terrifying picture for A-. I do think that is good. But the part of me that likes to poke at little details isn’t convinced that it’s worth the count’s time or effort to set up this formal execution. What’s the benefit to the count to paint this terrifying scene for A? Especially if he’s not even going to be there. I generally assume that formal executions are going to be a sort of power play for the one doing the executing. To make a public display of the death in an attempt to prevent other people from doing the same thing. Or to show a rebel group that their rebel leader is no more. It makes for a solid threatening image for A-, but from the count’s perspective, why bother making a big show of it? And where did he find six guards who are fine with formally murdering a child? Does he have some hold over them? Or are they just normal guys with lives and families who happen to get paid a ton of money to overlook the horrors they see at work? Pg 8: “Saint Gab-“ I know you had mentioned before that this isn’t exactly Christianity, but at the moment, I can’t tell the difference between this and some form of Roman Catholicism. Even if the name Gab- is more strongly associated with Archangel Gab- in Christianity, there’s no way at this point for me to know that he isn’t praying to an actually-existing catholic saint. Which would make me assume that this is some sort of version of our world, or an alternate history, and not something entirely different. It might be helpful to make some minor adjustments to make sure this first hint at A’s religious beliefs falls squarely into one setting or the other, to avoid confusing people later. I can chat about the religious aspect of world building all day long, so feel free to send a message if you want any other thoughts or feedback on that front. Why do the jailer and guards think he’s a criminal? Were none of them there when his family was invited for dinner? “murmured a prayer he remembered from his lessons” Is he praying this out loud? To put on a show while he’s cutting the ropes? The murmuring suggests not, but the “remembered from his lessons” implies that he’s not all that devout. At which point, why is he going through the prayer anyway? Also, the prayer does not help my understanding of the setting. The terminology is too close to Christian prayers for me to see it as anything else, though the theology issues of praying to a saint (or archangel, with the Gab- reference) for redemption from sins immediately makes me cringe. I think you’d said he was the Jesus-figure in the world’s religion. But for him to go by the title of Saint creates a lot of issues if there are additional saints. Unless all of the saints can grant redemption. Ultimately, I can see any Catholic readers getting really antsy about some of this unless there are clearer lines drawn between this and Roman Catholicism. And a lot of confusion for people who are going to label it as Catholicism then find out it’s something different. Pg 9: “Primordial fear fueled him…He jogged up the mountain…” jogged? I know he’s tired at this point, but jogging, to me, implies intentionally slowing his pace. A few questions about the layout of our escape. Are they already partway up the mountain? Seems like if he’s near the bottom, it wouldn’t be steep enough to scramble on hands and knees and be kicking rocks loose for quite a while. Is there no tree cover where he currently is? Where exactly is he fleeing to if there’s no cover? If they’re shooting arrows at him, I assume they can see him clearly enough to aim, in which case it seems odd that he could have lost them.

Pg 1: The second paragraph feels off from a tense perspective. But that might just be my lack of familiarity with present tense writing. “I linger on her condition during that time…” took a moment to confirm that “that time” was the time her mom was sick, not the time during which she was sitting there thinking. It could use some extra clarification in what she is saying she “could accept” now based on the past, or what she “could have accepted” if it’s trying to address the feelings she’d been feeling at the time her mother was sick. “I could have accepted it if my mom had needed to undergo treatment… the fact that it kept getting worse had left me looking down the road to what horrors awaited the next day.” Is the “looking down the road” looking to the future-future? Or is it about past-W looking to her “tomorrow”s, which would still be in the past for present-W? As someone who overthinks the usage of “tomorrow” or “now” in anything written in past tense, I’m sure this probably ends up catching a little more for me than it would for other people, but it’s seeming not-quite-right at the moment. Also, the current phrasing of “if my mom had to undergo treatment” makes it unclear if she actually did or not. I assume she did. Because cancer. But the sentence structure is currently setting “it kept getting worse” up as what happened instead of her undergoing the treatment. “hours playing strategy board games” <3 “…their first relationship.” His first relationship? Or hers? “…I know they apply…” what does? I am guessing that “voice” might have previously been “words” but I’m still not sure what she’s referring to about “meaning it that way.” Meaning what, what way? “Seems like lingering …job.” Pg 2: “I know that when I’m tired…” Coming back to this after reading through, we certainly don’t get any indication that “cranky W” has taken over. Or that the nightmares have that much impact on her day-to-day life. It’s useful to see that she wrestles with this, and to see that her rational mindset has her thinking of it more as a frustrating interruption to her sleep schedule than anything else, but if it doesn’t affect her later in any way, I wonder if it’s helpful to include it here. Pg 4: “I don’t have to deal with my brain nagging me with new ideas…” yeah. Just wait until you have to do some programming or excel or design project in those engineering classes… my husband still has old projects that he digs out now and then to revise or adjust or take sections out of to use elsewhere. And he still gets notices now and then that his grad school papers are being referenced by some student taking similar research in slightly different directions. That all being said, her thoughts here entirely appropriate to her age/mindset/experience. She can find out that the world is more complicated than that in a few years. Pg 6: “Give me instructions and I’ll check all the boxes, but....” Oh hey! It’s me! Right down to coloring squares on graph paper. Pg 8: “I don’t know if I’ve ever been as close…” What about An? Also, I’m willing to chalk some of it up to character mindset biases, because I think a lot of social structures (especially in high school, but also afterward, in many circles) condition their members to think this way, but it always makes me antsy when friendship and romantic love are set at odds with each other. Or set up with the sort of implication that “friends are all well and good, but obviously romance is a higher, more worthy goal.” It also seems out of place when chapter 1 had W questioning whether she even wanted romance, in which case it would make sense for her to be a little jealous of N & E’s friendship, but wouldn’t necessarily draw the romance comparison into it. Pg 10: “I meant that as a crazy hypothetical.” This doesn’t seem all that crazy or hypothetical. If the world runs on natural laws that are reliable enough for scientists to be able to predict or study things, magic had better have a similar set of laws governing them. Because otherwise, scientific study becomes nearly meaningless anywhere it intersects with magic. There might be specific cases where magic overrules or contradicts the natural laws we are familiar with, but if it doesn’t happen in a way that reflects their own natural laws (I’m tempted to call them supernatural laws, but that would push me toward a whole long worldbuilding discussion that isn’t relevant), science being a predictable, observable thing is in trouble. I have…a lot of thoughts on how magic systems fit into worlds and am glad to discuss if you’d like, but I’ll move on for now. “The whole point…make sense out of the chaos.” This doesn’t quite ring true to me… both from the perspective of research being done to confirm, refine, or correct previous studies and because “making sense of chaos” implies taking a bunch of entirely random, unconnected things and tying them together instead of seeing patterns or connections in what seems like chaos and figuring out why they are there. Or seeing the one thing that doesn’t quite fit the pattern and figuring out why it’s different. Maybe something like “finding sense in the chaos” might hit closer to the mark?” “they don’t hire people like me to be scientists” but…isn’t she planning to study engineering? After reading: 1. Even with the concerns I mentioned, I’m definitely still engaged with the story. That probably wavered a bit when digging into An’s digging into high school social structure things, but that may be more a matter of my not generally reaching for books set in modern high schools more than anything more problematic. 2. I like W a lot, but I’m not quite buying her blind acceptance of An’s opinions on N and E. It makes sense that her judgment is a little clouded to some extent by the pain/confusion/embarrassment of how her relationship with E went and ended (not to mention that memories of the relationship are closely tied to her mother’s illness, which must carry its own emotional baggage that I’d expect her to have difficulty navigating). But she seems to place a lot more weight on An’s opinion and understanding of things that have happened than on E’s explanations. And if she and E were as close as they seem to have been, she should probably know whether or not to trust him about such things, even if she is also irritated with him. At least enough to get more information before assuming that An’s explanation is the full story. 3. I would have liked more direct plot progression. We get more information about the characters and social setting, which is nice, but I think it could benefit from more feeling of movement plot-wise.

Pg 2: “What happened…Ju- System” I’m not getting a good read on B’s tone here. Or how O is perceiving it, at least. “I might need a bit of help.” Having a better idea of how injured O actually is here would be helpful. I don’t have a clear understanding of how much pain she’s actually in and how much she’s trying to cover it. “You’re supposed to be dead…” Again, not sure of B’s tone. She seems concerned enough if she came in to check on things and is going to take O somewhere for help, but she doesn’t seem obviously bothered or surprised by any of it. Pg 3: “It will take me a while to get used to…” but she still doesn’t seem bothered by it. No shock or horror. Just something she’ll have to get used to. “Not trying to haul yourself…” Goes back to the question of how injured she is. Pg 4: “…drugs she’d been given…” would the bird-people have given her drugs if they weren’t even willing to feed her for a few days? Pg 12: “…on the cusp of bleeding to death…” Yeah. Still really confused about how injured she is. She mentions pain a couple times, but nothing that would indicate severe bleeding. And what follows from here seems like a really sudden deterioration. Overall: I think not having a good read on B’s tone created a lot of trouble in my being engaged with their interactions and generally threw me off for a lot of the chapter, since that’s a big focus in the first half. She seems to switch back and forth between being helpful/friendly and cheerily blunt about things like the bird people trying to kill O and casually unconcerned about how injured O actually is. Sassy characters? They’re great. But right now I’m not getting a clear indication of where B is supposed to be coming across on the friendly sarcasm to condescendingly dismissive spectrum. She does make the effort to help O, and gets her to the doctor, and seems to offer to pay for whatever “extra charges” might be involved (but then they go into the whole payment discussion that seems to contradict that), but doesn’t actually seem to have any emotional response to any of it. She’s helpful, but not obviously sympathetic. Which is fine. I don’t mind emotionally distant sarcasm. I tend toward it myself often enough. But O seems to read more emotion and flirtation into the interactions than I’m seeing. It also doesn’t help that I don’t have a good read on how injured O actually is. She seems mostly alright, but in a little pain, until all of a sudden she’s near bleeding to death. I think we need more of an idea of the seriousness of it earlier. I get that she’s distracted by the attractive lady, but her condition doesn’t seem nearly as bad as Y- implies it is. I feel like severe internal bleeding would cause more concern. Not to mention non-functioning legs. Especially if that would stop her from piloting a ship. I would assume that cutting that part of her identity away would be an extremely painful possibility for her. She’s obviously really upset about the destruction of her ship, but doesn’t seem to be concerned about the non-functioning of her legs at all. I may try to read it again later and see if it comes across a little better. It’s possible that my perception was colored by being distracted at the beginning. The dog was extremely distressed and whiny/barky because some children dared to play in their own yard down the street, which is not exactly the best reading environment.

Pg 1: “a voice that A oddly recognized” oddly seems like a strange word here. It doesn’t seem like it would be odd that A would recognize the voice. He just wouldn’t be expecting it to be there. “…can’t very well let you go. But I’m not so ruthless…” if he let the parents go, why can’t he let A- go? What’s he planning to do with A- or Mr. G- long term if he isn’t planning to release or kill them? How long has he had to “think of something better”? Does the count have any reason for coming down to check on them? It seems like he just comes down to say hi then leave again. Pg 3: “…escape just after sunrise before they bring us breakfast.” Why after sunrise (losing cover of dark) but before breakfast? Aren’t they likely to need food? And if they know someone is coming to bring breakfast, that person will definitely notice they’re missing. Pg 4: “But you’re an Aug-“ Is this the first time we would have seen this term? I know it was briefly mentioned in one of the versions of chapter 1, but if that will be changing to Maria’s PoV, will we have any idea what this means? I’m also a little torn about the phrasing of “an Aug-“ It feels strange to have an adjective as a proper noun. “count will not awake until evening” Well that gives reason for them to wait until sunrise. But it might be worth mentioning that when Mr. G is talking about his plans to leave above. It still doesn’t keep the breakfast-bringer from noticing they’re gone, though. Pg 5: How far of a drop are we talking here? Catching slows the deceleration — basically spreading the impact force for the deceleration to take place over a larger amount of time instead of hitting full force on the ground— but that force that is being dispersed is still going somewhere. In this case into Mr. G- If he’s in stone form, he’s not going to provide much cushion for a fall, and if he’s not in stone form, his arms and body taking the force of the fall is going to do damage as well. If it’s a long enough fall, and isn’t cushioned properly, one or both of them is still going to be at just as much risk of injury as if they both just jumped down separately. Also, I thought E- was supposed to be sleeping all day as well. Pg 8: “A- wondered what Mr. G-‘s next idea would be…” In many ways, A- just seems to be along for the ride through all of this. He wants to get to safety to find another way to rescue M-. But he hasn’t seemed to have any thought or initiative of his own on how to do that. Pg 9: “…if I sense any risk at all to my comfortable life…” So…immediately, then? Pg 10-11 This conversation seems a lot longer than it needs to be to convey the things we actually need to know. Pg 12-13 For someone wanting to avoid suspicion, D sure does seem to be intentionally troublesome with the guards. And the guards seem surprisingly patient when D is spiteful and argumentative for no reason while they’re trying to do their jobs. 1. Do you get a sense that the plot is moving forward? To some extent. Physically leaving the castle helps. And the immediate goal changing from rescuing M- to escaping to rescue her another day helps. But A- doesn’t seem to have much active involvement in making those things happen. He would have stayed at the castle to try to rescue her if he’d had the choice. And he hasn’t really made any active decisions other than trailing along after Mr. G- since then. 2. Is the dialogue less stilted? Not really. A lot of the text could still use a good deal of reading aloud to catch awkward wording and structure. 3. Do you at all care about A's plight? While I care that he is trying to get to safety, to come back later to rescue M, the combination of the escape going smoothly and his not being the one to actively push the escape forward makes it harder to be engaged by his role in it. So while on a basic level, I care about his plight, the fact that he’s just been along for the ride through this chapter doesn’t help. He wants to get to safety. But what does he think that means? Getting home? Getting somewhere else? Right now he’s just following Mr. G-‘s lead, and we don’t know enough about where Mr. G- is taking them to know where they are headed or how that will ultimately put them in a better place to rescue M-.

Yeah. I'm guessing that would make a big difference. And if that's what the class is, it definitely fits. There was a little more of that within the pre-engineering social circle at my school as opposed to the general nerd social circle (I only did competitive testing stuff one year and decided it wasn't my idea of a fun time for pretty much those reasons). The prologue and the "there are magical creatures in this world" had made me wonder if this might be the case, since I assumed N has ties to our magical creatures, and "homeschooling" to hide adolescent magical creatures or until people in the magical creature community can properly know how to keep secret things secret seems like it would be a different category altogether. Otherwise I would have probably had a bit more ranting about the homeschool stereotype as well. Approaching it as something closer to "he's from a super tiny town in the middle of nowhere" might be a safer bet to avoid missteps. Especially in the covid-era when there's already a big wrench thrown into the understanding of what actual "homeschooling" means.

Overall: I like this chapter, and other than the sense of concern or self-preservation that O seems to be lacking during parts of it and some confusion about the pros and cons of being mistaken for a Pru-, I don’t have too much to add. Looking forward to seeing where we go from here. Pg 3: “…tingling continued…resuming its course” I am not clear on what is happening here injury-wise. Some sort of pressure change, where blood flow had been restricted until now? I think the disorientation/pain/etc. description is good on 1-3, but this line threw me off. Pg 4: Even if the bird people have been compared to hawks instead of crows, I still like the “murder of bird people” line. “…shapes and contours…” I would have expected the beak shape to be a significant part of the hawk comparison, but if they vary, would that association fit all of them? Or is it just talking about the first one she’d seen? Pg 5: “less killing.” O- seems less concerned about this conversation than I feel like she should be. Even if she is still disoriented. Possibly even because she’s still disoriented. The disorientation does provide reason for her mind to skip over the discussion of beta planes and such, but the fact that she doesn’t acknowledge at all makes it hard to tell if it’s a strange thing to her or if it’s just normal conversation. Pg 6: Recalcitrant is a good word. “I’d prefer you were from Pru-“ this and the following conversation through page 9 gets a little confusing. I lost track of where it’s “safer” for her to be from, and a sense of why until I went back and read it more slowly. Pg 8: “cost too much to feed” feeding one person enough to keep them alive for three days seems like it would be relatively inexpensive. (edit: especially if laser gun charge is also a valuable resource) “…sending thin shards of bioplastic across the floor.” ☹ sad ship. Pg 10: “a pleased sort of quack” hah. “eyes dry from holding the lids open” I mean. She could probably risk a blink or two if there’s no one obviously even in the room. Right? Pg 12: If I could get my hands on some invincible nail polish, I might even bother to paint my nails.

Pg 4: “Scientists hate saying we’re certain…” I find it a little odd that the vaccine reference is their go-to example for this if it’s not related to their field or they don’t have some fighting anti-vaxxers plotline, or it isn’t something they are dealing with regularly in their field. Of course, it may bother me because I tend toward the fantasy genre to avoid reminders of the frustrating and ridiculous things in real life. It’s probably less distracting for people who read more stories in modern real world settings. Pg 5: I like the Korean name and title explanation a lot, but also think it would be helpful closer to the front. Pg 6: Does the school have enough AP classes available to take more than 4 per year (with the assumption that she’d plan to take more the following year)? Seems like it would have to be a pretty large school to make a large number of AP classes available. Then again, it’s possible that they’re just more accessible than they were when I was in high school. Also, I’d assume they would expect students to take physics and calc concurrently. Especially at the AP level. And even more so if the student is planning to go into engineering. “mostly conceptual” If she’s a math whiz, I’d think she’d be capitalizing on how math-based physics is. “like bro culture” This may or may not matter depending on how much of a role her classmates play in the story, and I’m glad to chalk some of it up to cynicism from W, but this doesn’t really match up with what I remember of upper-level math/science classes. I mean. Yeah, there’s some of that. But unless it’s a pretty prestigious school that has enough ultra-math-focused students to fill a class with them, I find it a little odd. My experience had a few people who were actually part of the official math club and did competitive tests, but it was mostly a blend of that with people who happen to be good with numbers but spent extracurricular time on other things (usually track/cross country or band, if not both, if I recall correctly). There will also almost definitely be a few who are on a sort of pre-engineering path because they really like tinkering with things and have some math-sense to go along with liking to work on cars and stuff. If there’s not a ton of focus on classmates there, it’s not too vital, but if there’s anything in the story that relies on a mathlete bro culture, it might be worth considering. Pg 7: “The way school measures…” ain’t that the truth? Pg 9: “finding the right car…is worse for my anxiety…” Ugh. I know this feeling. Pg 12: “I told her the opposite…” The wording of this sentence is a little confusing Pg 13: I have mixed feelings about how E is coming across. On one hand, I know a number of teens who are deep thinkers, and I remember even as a teen reading YA, getting frustrated by how simplistically authors portrayed their motivations and concerns. But he does seem far more self-aware than I’d expect, which seems like a different set of life skills - being able to distance yourself from something that you care deeply about to be able to dig down to what your mind is actually doing… I don’t know. I’m all for self-awareness (especially with the angle of W willfully misunderstanding it), but it seems a little too mature for what, 16 or 17? I don’t know if it’s intentional or not, but I appreciate N’s jumping right into conversation with an adult about things he’s excited about, because it hits the homeschool persona perfectly. If I had a dime for every time the neighborhood homeschool kids came over while I’m walking the dog to tell me about some cool bird they saw or how they’re doing some random project about ancient Rome, I would have a lot of dimes. Pg 15: “fancy professor stuff” seems like an odd way to describe a parent’s work. At least as a teenager “They have their eyes on E-“ I was a little surprised they weren’t more cautious about leaving E- and W- together to go look at the flowers if they knew about what had happened between them before. Overall: I feel like my comments above were sort of all over the place, but I enjoyed this and am excited to see where it goes. I agree with the thoughts on moving the flowers and the Korean name details earlier. In general, my own high school experience was not a super fun time, so I generally don’t get super excited for stories set around high school life, and that’s probably going to color a lot of my comments about some of the thought processes and social interactions of the characters. It falls into my reasons for liking to stick with fantasy genres. There are too many things about high school social structures that frustrate me, and I deal with them enough with the kids I work with, so I don’t usually set out to fill my free time with them. Just as a general warning, if I seem a little cynical at any point. But I am still enjoying reading, even if it’s not my usual cup of tea. 1. Female pre-engineering protagonist? If there’s any high school narrative I’m interested in following, it’s probably this one. I also like the family dynamics a lot 2. I like them. I probably need some extra convincing of E-‘s self-awareness, and I may get tired of discussion of classes and things before too long, but I’m looking forward to see how things unfold. 3. I think it’s a good fit for what I would expect of a YA romance 4. I’m assuming it’s our friendly homeschool friend. Though I do like the fact that it seems like she will probably be working through what happened with E-, and while I’m not convinced that’s something most high schoolers would be willing to do, I’m always up for stories of people working through past misunderstanding or biases.

I was just wondering last week when we might see what follows the prologue you’d posted. Good to see you back Overall, I think the world is really interesting, and am excited to see where the story is going, but I think this chapter gets bogged down in the conversations. There’s a lot of wordy dialogue, which is making it more difficult to be as engaged as I’d like to be with the characters. I am really excited to learn more about the world. I like mechs and airships, and am fascinated by the machine spirits, so the setting is appealing to me and I’m looking forward to seeing where it goes. I’m not getting hugely attached to C at this point, since he’s falling into the same traps that I fall into with my characters far too often, where he’s spending all of his time talking about things, but we don’t get a good idea of what he really cares about. I really like the potential for Sh, but want to see more proof that she’s competent as a doctor and isn’t just going to let her patients do things that are going to make their injuries worse. I imagine that airship doctors probably run into a lot of stubborn patients who don’t want to spend their time recovering from illnesses or injuries even though it’s vitally important. C trying to jump to his feet and go ask questions shouldn’t be that surprising to her, and I’d expect her to have methods of dealing with stubborn patients that still fit her friendly cheeriness. It’s a tricky contrast to convey, but I really like the possibilities I’m seeing there. Pg 1: General paragraph flow note: As long as there aren’t any other characters for “he” to refer to at this point, using C’s name every couple sentences seems repetitive, and can get distracting. “took notice of the room’s other occupant, but not before…” Jumping back and forth in the observational timeline can be jarring. If he notices the room right away, that’s fine, but if the other occupant is mentioned first, I’m expecting her to have been noticed first. Having him observe the room while looking for the source of the voice makes sense, but opening that paragraph by mentioning the other person distorts the perception of what order’s he’s processing things in. Pg 2: “…red hair that…” did the hair seem familiar? Or did the woman seem familiar? Hair seems like an odd feature to find “familiar” unless it’s an unusual color for the area, at which point I feel like it would strike more as unexpected or strange than familiar. Pg 3: The conversation seems to be more involved than I’d expect C to be able to manage considering where we last saw him. On Sh’s side it comes across more as a bubbly personality, so she can get away with a little more chattiness/extra wordiness, but I’d expect more exhaustion/disorientation/pain from him instead of a casual conversation. And bubbly can sometimes run the risk of leaning toward implications of a person being unprofessional or absentminded. There’s no reason a person can’t be cheery and competent, but it can be a tricky balance to portray to have a cheery person who maintains that even while taking their work seriously. Especially for a doctor, whose work is going to tend toward dealing with unhappy/sick/injured people and is going to need to deliver difficult news or deal with loss in a sensitive way. I really like interesting contrasts in characters, and like the potential of a cheery doctor. I’d just be cautious about making sure her cheeriness and friendliness doesn’t interfere with her competence as a doctor. Even if she’s not the best of the best as far as doctors go, there’s a reason they hired her for the crew instead of someone else. Pg 4: “Her red hair…” I figured this might be where the red hair seeming familiar might be going, but if he’s only ever met one other person with red hair (or it’s rare enough to think they might be related) I think the connection would be much clearer on first glance. Similar comments to above about the energy level of the conversation. If I was C, I’d be overwhelmed trying to follow it. “…a few more hours…” how long has he been under her treatment? Is a couple of hours going to make that much difference? What’s the extent of his injuries? Pg 5: “…muscle strain…” Is she saying that’s what’s wrong with him? Or that he’s going to strain himself by pushing himself too hard? I’d expect him to have far worse damage considering the condition they found him in. If his mech thing was destroyed, I’d expect him to have more actual wounds from being inside it at the time. Potentially stitching that he’s at risk of tearing free. Broken bones that he shouldn’t be putting weight on. Dehydration depending on how long he’d been in there before they found him. Concussion symptoms that she’d probably need to wait until he was awake to check. This seems like a good opportunity for her to show us that she may come across as friendly and bubbly, but she’s not going to give any ground when she knows what’s best for her patients. [edit: this is especially true if they don’t need to go up to the deck, which seems to be the case since the captain already knows he’s awake.] Pg 6: “…no particular rush…” Why the opposite impression from Sa, then? Pg 7: A lot of this conversation could be trimmed back to better emphasize the characters and their personalities, and to make sure we’re just getting the key details. I think some of it is getting lost in wordiness that makes it harder to stay engaged. Pg 8: “the first of my questions…do you smoke…” I enjoy these sorts of lines. Yeah, we all know he wants information, and he’ll get there, but first things first. Pg 9: “It’s simply junk, now.” Does he know that? I mean, he can probably assume that it’s in pretty rough shape, but if he was inside it, then passed out at some point, how aware of the damage would he be? Pg 14: “…impressed by her dedication…” What is it that impresses him? I like her, but I still want to see her taking a stricter approach on making sure he doesn’t further injure himself. Pg 15: I assume M giving him the locket is significant, but I don’t have anything to tie his comments here to, so it seems out of place. Especially when there have already been so many things discussed. Pg 16: “A machine sprirt?...” Didn’t he ask the captain to send the machine spirit down? Pg 18/19: I’m not entirely sure what upsets Sh here. Pg 19/20 I like Ir a lot, and look forward to learning more about machine spirits in general. Looking forward to seeing where the story goes!

@shatteredsmooth I figured you had answers to some of those questions, and am glad to see I wasn't wrong. I'm also glad that at least some of my rambling thoughts were helpful. I know I sometimes end up off in weird corners when my mind takes off on some of those things. I think the one additional point I'd poke at based on the above is whether or not all of the barge ladies have the same opinions on the matter. Probably more than you need to get into, if you aren't going to be digging too far into their culture, but I like them, so I don't like one whole people group (specifically a bunch of lady scientists) being brushed off as having one single identical understanding of the world. The " 'magic' is just science we don't understand" certainly works for most cases. And I think in some especially hard magic systems, those lines can be really fine, when the "magic" is tied enough into the natural laws that it's not really a supernatural thing. But it seems like the sort of thing where even if the vast majority of the ladies fall along those lines of beliefs, there might be a few who are more sort of agnostic about it (not quite the right term, but the closest I can think of). Where they think it might be a sort of magic, but that's not going to stop them from trying to understand what it means from a scientific perspective. Because it is interacting with the laws of nature in observable ways. So even if there's something more going on, there's something to be known about it. And if they are new to the area or the concept, I could definitely see a subgroup forming that would be deeply "religious" (again, not the right word, since it's not really a religion...) about it. Or fully believing that it's something along that fine line of "super"natural that makes them even more fascinated with the world and how it works. I'm glad you saved the old houses. They are very important to me. I spend far too much time trying to keep ours standing to comfortably watch them get washed away in a flood Edit: I figured there was a good chance that it had been more a case of things getting beyond what E- had expected, but that should be clarified a little better. Especially because there is a good moral conflict there of feeling a very legitimate hatred that would understandably make him want to lash out even though the ultimate end of feeding that hatred and anger (killing them) is repulsive to him. It's a fine line that our senses of morality tread sometimes. I feel this deeply as I'm going through submissions... and I do not have the stakes of a contract to add to the pressure of it. Best of luck to you while you're working through changes!

Overall: So, by saying that LBLs aren’t needed, I apparently went into full-world-building-commentary mode. I think partly because I really like the world-building and setting, and am excited about the things that it seems to be setting out to address. So when I’m in a world I’m excited about, the things that strike as having potential problems with realism or consistency really bother me. Some of said thoughts are just based on the characters’ biases or levels of knowledge, which may conflict with the actuality of the world. So feel free to ignore those. I don’t need to know what the reality is (except for the part of me that just likes knowing ALL the information about interesting worlds), but I want to poke at it to make sure that you’re not oversimplifying things. I enjoyed these chapters (or chapter and a half) a lot. I like E- wrestling with understanding his anger. Ser- trying to be a spokesperson to improve the world around them. I really like the world they’re living in (with caveats that some things might need some additional color or depth). I do think some of the characters are coming across as a little simplistic in their beliefs or biases, though, and are coming across as caricature representatives of a belief or ideal (that’s probably exaggerating it a little bit, but I’m not sure of how to describe it better). Adding some nuance and more realistic ideologies (even for the horrible people. They may be twisted, misinformed, bigoted ideologies, but at least those people need to think they have "good" reasons for what they're doing) would go a long way in making them feel like real people instead of characters whose main purpose is to represent a viewpoint. Pg 5: “Me- and Ma-“ Hmmmm. Well this was a surprising way for me to pick up some context on where in the former US we are. Now I’m even more curious about the area geography post-flood. For someone who is horrified by the very idea of murder, E- seems pretty quick to intentionally feed into his anger here. He has good reason to be angry, but JW’s question there seems rather apt. Even if it’s the river doing the actual punishing, he seems to be pushing the elementals toward it. And seems to come very close to killing the guy. If that’s something E- is supposed to end up wrestling with, that’s all well and good (and I may get more of an answer reading further). But he seems to be in slightly murky moral territory otherwise. Obviously he has reason to be angry. But to intentionally feed into that anger seems like a dangerous step if he knows the river is going to be vengeful. I’d wonder where the responsibility lies if an ambassador riles up a spirit that kills someone, even if the person isn’t doing it themselves. Are they allowed to be fine with that death if the elementals carried it out? Even with the general acknowledgment that the elementals can get out of hand. Is the justice of the elementals generally accepted as the ultimate say in the matter? Or are they wrong sometimes? What is their ultimate goal in all of this? Feel free to throw the moral quandaries back at me in a million years when I get to submitting chapters that incorporate aspects of leaving ultimate justice to the supernatural powers that run things. Pg 6: “Figure out how much of that rage…” Yes. These questions are good ones to be asking. Good job, E. Pg 7: “did not believe in things like…” Wait. What? When they are living a short boat ride away? And trade with the people there (unless that has changed since the previous version of Ch1). There’s a place for assuming things are myth and story, but when you’re living right next door to people who are periodically possessing or being possessed by various sentient spirits, straight disbelief seems unlikely. Like. E-just almost had the river spirits drown a guy. That’s a very visible event. The perspective also leads to a science vs. religion false dichotomy, which always makes me twitchy when it’s a commonly held belief among a group. There will be some people who insist it’s myth, and who probably never leave their barges. But anyone who interacts with the “other” is going to start understanding them. Ser- seemed to be able to see beyond that split, so I’m hoping we aren’t jumping in that direction, but I will be disappointed with my solar barge ladies if they are all intentionally blind to the supernatural. Pg 8: These are rambling world-building thoughts raised by T- and E-‘s conversation. Some of my concerns are probably covered by it mostly being character biases showing through, but the impression they’re presenting is seems a little simplistic in some areas. It obviously doesn’t need to be fully portrayed here, but I have questions about what the reality of the world is like to have created those biases. Feel free to ignore any of said thoughts that are already consistently represented in the worldbuilding. I just like to poke at these things to see if they hold water. Sort of like the barge ladies’ disbelief: It’s hard to have false religions if there are real visible, summonable supernatural powers proving them wrong or actively suppressing them. You’ll still have intentionally blind bigots who are horrible people. And I fully support your raking them over the coals. But if there are river spirits drowning people who are murdering people, it seems like they’d be wiping out people groups tending largely toward abhorrent behavior before those groups can get much of a footing. Which makes the Al-‘s survival a little surprising. Why have the powers that be allowed them to survive this long? How do the elementals feel about these new religions? And why haven’t they done anything about them? Do they have a moral standard that they’re holding people to? And if so, why are they letting people break it? It’s been mentioned that they’re involved in the carrying out of judgments or punishments, but is that them making the moral standard? Or is that As- or community leaders making that moral standard, and using the elementals to carry it out? Are there true religions (and related deities) that exist that the elementals would be in some sort of conflict with (or in cooperation with)? Also, you mention that the elementals aren’t gods, but I assume that there are groups that would treat them as gods. Are they affected enough by people’s opinions and actions to turn into beings that demand worship or service or offerings or whatever? Where they might be treated like deities? I don’t have a good sense of their motives or Pg 10: “The had survived…The Flood.” How long has it been since the flood? And were the houses above the waterline during said flooding? Has the flood receded in the current world? Or is it still “flooded” where most current land masses had been reasonably high altitudes before? If the houses had been fully flooded and the water receded, I would find it hard to believe that could happen without significant structural damage that wouldn’t leave them standing much longer. If they are just above the waterline, that’s less of a problem. If they weren’t, then goodbye, pretty old New Englanders with fieldstone foundations (*cries*). Or any building with a basement, really. “They had to make people listen to them.” A seventeen (right?) year old trying to get a bunch of politicians to listen to them….oof. good luck, my friend. Sounds miserable. Pg 11: If Ser- is supposed to be representing her region/people/etc. why would As- not tell them everything they would need to know to be prepared to deal with the problems they’d raise. If these problematic/monstrous people are attending these meetings, how does it make sense for her to just “deny their existence.” “…believe the Mother is angered…” so this touches on some of the world-building things above. Does the behavior of the elementals where these people are from support these codes? Are they twisted in such a way as to support the roles that these people are enforcing? Is there some holy book or writ or scripture or whatever that is giving them their supposed moral code? Where did these roles come from, and what do they get out of following them? And if the elementals are some sort of force in support of the world, why haven’t they done anything about them? Also, do they view “the Mother” as a female deity? If they are worshipping a female deity and basing their actions and roles on what she would find offensive, I find it odd that the society they’ve formed would be oppressing women. If they respect the “goddess’s” anger and power, that’s going to color their social structure. Ser- and E-‘s greeting is clear about their relationship. Much better than the confusion from the initial chapter 1. “red as boiled lobsters.” Perfect character/setting/etc.-fitting description.

I actually almost asked if the Gabriel mentioned up near the top would be a relevant person. That seems like it would be a good fit. Will be interested to see how the religion works. I have just enough of a theology background to have opinions about religions when they have weird inconsistencies or are dealt with poorly. But I do love seeing when they're well-done and presented in an interesting way that adds to the world-building. I think it will work for suspense purposes as long as the language and dialogue are ironed out. At the moment, a few of those scenes have me tripping over odd wording and sentence structures and getting dragged out of the suspense. Meant to imply that initially, but I don't think I'd realized that's what was causing it until I had posted.

Side note: Did you format it in Garamond? Or did my computer change it? I mostly ask because I do most of my writing in Garamond then switch it over to Times New Roman for submissions, and find it funny that someone else might have the same font tendency. Either that or Word is doing strange things to documents when I’m not paying attention. Pg 1: Still need to keep track of some verb tenses. “Count C… had invited the L…” I like the intro better, but it still isn’t clear who is in the carriage at the front. This includes clarifying how they are related to A-. A mentions “we’re just your children” halfway down the page, which helps, but it’s still not clear how many people are there. And it’s probably worth calling out G- as his father in the line he’s first introduced. There’s certainly something to be said for introducing characters gradually in most cases. For not starting out with “Mom, Dad, A, and his sister M were riding in the carriage up to the castle.” But I think it’s more important that we know they are there while we’re putting that initial image together in our head. Knowing who all is there and what they are doing that isn’t taking part in the conversation. Something that adds to their character. Maybe mom has dozed off leaning against the wall, so she’s not likely to be taking part in the conversation. Or maybe she’s also worried about the whole thing and is trying to be quiet and not bring up her concerns. Or maybe she’s working on some embroidery. Something to hint at who she is, even if she’s not talking. And maybe his sister is busy looking out the window. Or trying to lean close to the window to read. Or draw. Or is just flat out bored. Until something in the conversation sparks her interest. Are mom and the sister having their own conversation, which A- is registering but ignoring because he doesn’t care about dresses or embroidery? I think having even just one or two sentences telling us who all is there and what they are doing would be a huge help both to avoid jarring the reader when characters seem to appear out of nowhere and to add touches of character. Pg 2: Dialogue could still use some work to seem less stilted. I’d second the recommendation above to read it out loud. “he has more to gain from doing business with us rather than taxing us.” I assume he’d still be taxing them. They’d just be getting something back from him if he’s going to be buying their wines. “…you’re scaring M.” I don’t see talk about taxes being scary. Especially for someone who doesn’t have to worry about paying them. Wildly boring, maybe. We could use a stronger introduction to both Mom and M. “I’m not a little girl anymore…” If she’s supposed to come across as not being childish, this isn’t the best way to do it. Probably just leaving it at “He’s not scaring me.” The qualifiers make it sound more whiny. If her age is important to know right here, it would probably make more sense for A to observe it when he’s talking about her being small for her age. “…smaller than most girls at fifteen, but…” or something. Mr G- This is a pretty sudden topic shift. Also, how does M not know that he’s missing? I assume that would have been talked about within the family. G- seems rather unsurprised that he’s disappeared. Has he gone missing in the past? Is Mr. G- irresponsible enough to make it seem likely that he’d just taken off? If so, why was he still employed there anyway? If A- is going to be taking over the business, they’re going to be making sure that he’s getting a proper education. They’re not going to waste money on someone who is irresponsible or incapable. “I liked Mr. G-“ I am surprised that his father is not more concerned about A’s extreme lack of concern about his education on anything business-related. Pg 3: “I could live in such a house.” I really like this line from M. But think it could use some sort character-building tone or expression hint. Is it dreamy awe? A snide/dry response to her brother? How’s she say it in a way that tells us something about her? “splitting the driveway momentarily” momentarily? Watch for extra apostrophes when Lor- has been pluralized. I noticed it once here. A quick text search will catch them, though. “A- covered his nose…” his father doesn’t give him a stern look or sharp word at that response? Pg 4: “He was…calculating.” Repetitive sentence structure here. A lot of “He x. He y. He z” in a row. Pg 5: “I’m seventeen.” We probably don’t need his age earlier, then. “his eyes suggested other moods.” ? Pg 6: It’s still very weird to me that A- doesn’t bother to mention his concerns about the person calling for help from the terrifying, rotten privy. Pg 8-9: There’s a lot of back and forth that confuses me about the family dynamic. How much influence do the kids have in big decisions? How much do Mom and Dad trust their opinions? How likely are the kids to talk back when decisions are made neglecting their opinions? Does O- defer to her husband’s decisions? I think they are all talking in sort of different directions Are they familiar with these priestesses being a thing, or what they do? I’d taken it as some top secret ritualistic thing that most people aren’t aware of. If they’re aware of it, and it is a viable future for her, I think that needs to be mentioned. There’s the “becoming a priestess could ensure a good future,” that assumes it’s something they are aware of and might even be an honor, but they otherwise treat it as a sort of terrifying thing all around. Do they have an idea of what being a priestess implies? Does she? If it’s a viable thing that people do, what about the prospect is terrifying? Is it the count himself? The thought of leaving her family? I just don’t have a good concept of what exactly is going on here. “Thank the lord” Ooo. I get to overthink fantasy swearing. My favorite. Make sure that the things the characters are swearing by are reflecting their beliefs. In our world, this phrase is going to refer some sort of Judeo-Christian worldview. Whether the character believes it or is simply in a culture where it’s common. What does it mean in our Fourfold Kingdom? What lord is he swearing by? I’m guessing that there would probably be some other phrase that would be more relevant, whether the expression is flippant or devout. Is there a deity or power or person that would make sense culturally/religiously for him to be swearing by? Pg 11: The reasons to stay are much better, though I think 9-11 could be trimmed back a little bit. There seems to be more back and forth and explaining of things than there needs to be. “…such things are not unheard of…” are they, though? And even if they are, is he really not more suspicious of the timing? There’s more time spent on the bathing than seems necessary. Pg 12-13 I like how the count comes across here better than before. Seems less flat out evil for evil’s sake. Overall: This definitely did a lot to fix some of the big issues the first time around. Making the count less cartoony. Providing more motivation for the choices they make. Better presence of the female characters, though they still need some additional development. I think there could be a good deal of improvement in the language and dialogue to make things flow more smoothly. And I think reading it aloud to yourself would be helpful in picking out some of those things. Or if you can stand listening to your own voice, recording yourself reading it, then listening to it a little later. There are still a few logic jumps that I’m not quite buying, and places where things could be made clearer, but I think I need a better idea of the full story to offer too many thoughts on what would be important to bring out more or downplay depending on their relevance. Looking forward to seeing where we go from here.

Pg 1: The opening sentences had me thinking this was Y-‘s PoV. Until we get to the “because T- ate the fruit of trees…” line and I got thrown off. Pg 2: “…took a bite of the ‘glass’…” Do you have a comparison of what the hardness/texture of the “glass” is like? And how “liquid” is the lemonade? Does it have any real lemon-basis? Or is it entirely artificial but made to imitate the flavor of lemonade? If you leave it sit too long, is the liquid going to make the glass soggy? I assume it would have to have some sort of disintegration when exposed to liquid for it to be digestible. What sorts of “inks” does the printer work with. Is cellulose the main volume of it, a sort of carrier that has nutrient and flavor extracts added, to be combined in different ways? I assume different species are going to need different nutrients, so that seems like an important thing to be able to swap out. Ultimately, the whole food printing thing takes me back to my materials science classes. And I have questions. Most of which, I’m fine passing off into the “Future tech. Don’t worry about it” category, but which my curiosity still wants answers for, even if I don’t think they’re vital for the story. Pg 3: “There almost to. No.” -> “They’re almost to” ? “Did we not have our fill…” this sentence is a little clunky/confusing. As is “Assuming they haven’t left Ei- orbit…” “I,’ he jabbed his thumbs into his chest…” I know I probably overuse em-dashes, but this seems like it needs them. The commas aren’t quite right. Pg 4: “wetness formed in the corners of his eyes like…” I like this species contrast detail. Being reminded that Sal- is more familiar with st- than with tears. “I’d like to ask follow-up questions.” Lol. Pg 6: “breaking news, peace talks…” Hm. Who would have guessed that a planet blowing up might cause some political troubles? Pg 10: The image of all of the files appearing all through the space is fun and dramatic, but it seems like 1- a really inefficient way to actually sort through information. I can’t even keep track of too many browser tabs. Having them take up physical space might make it easier to mentally process what is where, but having them all appearing and talking at once just seems overwhelming and unhelpful. And 2- it seems odd that she would get even the previews that she does if they’re all restricted. Pg 16: “She tapped to accept, though the fee…” Heh. Always a bad idea. Pg 17: “typed Ma- Pi-“ Yeah. That seems likely to go badly. “Aggression Talents…” I have no idea what just happened or what this means. Pg 18: “You are both very nice but you talk a lot” If I had a nickel for every time I’d thought this… Pg 19: “Y- started to get up” He’s strapped into his seat, right? “This is me not captaining…” I assume this is in reference to Sal- being in charge at the moment? It wasn’t entirely clear. Overall: I like having a little more background on Y- and Nick. And I enjoyed the chapter as a whole, and wasn't bored. But I also like character investment chapters. So I don't know if it will feel slower to other people. In regard to Sal- taking charge, I see far more of Y- intentionally stepping out of the way for her to go on her little adventure than her actually stepping up. Which I think is makes perfect sense for a milder character (I’m sure you’ll be surprised that I like mild characters at least when done well), but I think it would come across better if he actually knows what she’s planning to do. Right now, it comes across a little as him sort of humoring her as she sends them all on this adventure, but she has obviously not filled him in on the details. Which seems slightly deceptive on her part, and could come across as a little patronizing on his (maybe?). Ex. 1: Taking the ship for a little adventure? “Sure, hon.” I think the fact that he’s putting her in charge of the ship could say a lot about the trust and respect that he has for her goals. But that doesn’t come across as well when he doesn’t know what those goals are. So it sort of comes across as her tricking him into letting her run things. She is in charge, but she hasn’t yet proved that she should be in charge in that way. Especially when Y- is sort of stepping back into command then intentionally backs down at the end. Is that a circumstance where she’s capable of leading? Once things have gone wrong? Or is that somewhere where his stepping up is ultimately going to be less likely to get them killed? She can still be the one in charge without being the one sitting in the captain’s seat. And he can still be deferring to her goals and plans without just sitting by and letting all of them get dragged into danger. And I think having Y- fully aware of what he’s getting into, being reluctant about it, but agreeing because it means a lot to her says far more than the current setup. Depending on what you’re intending to do with the characters. If she is a little more deceptive/manipulative, then yeah. This makes sense. But that needs to create more problems when Y- finds out how much she wasn’t telling them about where they were going/what they were doing. Ex. 2: Taking the ship for a little adventure that’s going to be difficult for all of us, and puts us in circumstances that we probably aren’t really going to want to get involved with? “I don’t like it. But I know you well enough to trust your judgment, so I’m in, and am going to try to support you however I’m helpful. By doing what I do best while you do what you do best to accomplish what you’re trying to do.”

Can I have a spot for Monday as well? Planning to just jump to the tournament chapter. I think just doing that is going to be a better way of figuring out what actually needs to be introduced before then (if anything). If only I'd done that like six weeks ago...

General rambling thoughts: I am quite intrigued by the idea of space rally racing, and wonder how it would be organized and run. I don’t know much about rally racing in a normal earth sense, but I’ve watched two seasons of the Drive to Survive Netflix documentary series, so I’m obviously an expert on F1 racing (she says, not really caring anything about cars). I wonder if the speeds and tech of space rally racing would make F1 a closer reference comparison, even if they’re on an open course that would be closer to rally racing. That being said, count me in for a story in a competitive space-rally league. Going in to the story, I was a little confused about the blocking in the ship, because I was expecting a front/back driver/passenger setup instead of the side-by-side setup. Side-by-side makes sense for earth-rally racing since they’re using street legal cars. But I don’t see much reason for any two-passenger ship to be set up for side-by-side seating instead of front/back for aerodynamic reasons. Even for a civilian spacecraft. I’m also skeptical that they would stick two people in the ship if they have reliable wireless communication. Especially when there are obvious safety risks involved for anyone in the ship. Do co-drivers still ride along for the actual race in rally racing in our modern era of wireless communication? If so, I assume that’s just because they’d need a real-time video feed to do their job correctly, with catastrophic consequences if there’s a lag? Trying to think of how that would look with more advanced technology for such things. If real-time video would still be unreliable enough that it would still be safer to have both people in the vehicle, or if more reliable video feed tech would make it safer for the co-driver to navigate remotely. Obviously the story only works if we have the former. But maybe there are different leagues for co-pilots and navigators? Since the internet tells me there are different rally leagues that use only cars from certain eras. Also, I had to ask the internet what a mbira was. Okay. I think that’s the end of my round of rambling thoughts. There might be more as I remember trains of thoughts I had while doing the first read-through. [spoiler alert. Turns out there were more. Oops. But you did ask for everything.] Pg 2: “…she let L’s low voice flow through her…” I assume it’s flow, not follow “shipsuits were especially designed” specially? If anything? I assume most rally race shipsuits would be designed with the same safety features. Also, shipsuits had been designed? Pg 3: “voice of God” curious about what this phrase says about Z’s religious beliefs. Also, I like how her following his directions is almost more muscle memory than listening and processing. It says a lot about their experience racing together. Pg 4: “turning off the entire ship” – from a mechanical design standpoint, an emergency full-shutdown should be a one-button process. Mashing a button to cut power as opposed to fingers flying across panels. You never want to trust your machine operator’s presence of mind to do anything complicated during an emergency. Both from a safety standpoint and a manufacturing-avoiding-being-sued standpoint. It also seems likely that the tech would involve some sort of automated shut-down process or emergency mode that would engage automatically in case of a hull-breach (especially if we’re in non-breathable atmospheres) or a chance of water crossing paths with electricity (a switch to a backup power source that only powers necessary things and isn’t powerful enough to risk harm). For a civilian ship to be altered for racing, some of this might be removed to minimize extra weight, but I assume the organizing structure of the league would require certain things to be kept or replaced with custom options. Good job remembering to cut power, though. Now, back to the story. “hanging to the side…” What’s actually supporting the ship here? How stable is it in its current sideways position? Having some trouble picturing the crash site. Pg 5: “…broken or badly sprained.” Again not sure how to picture this. I’d taken it as more of a bruised vs. entirely crushed situation, with the description of how it was pinned. “…against the seat.” Like, mounted on the seat? The current wording makes it sound like it’s just leaning against the seat, which implies that it would have been loose and flying around during the crash. “using her seat like a platform.” So she’s on the left side. L is on the right in the water. I’m a little confused about her movement after she undoes her harness (what’s keeping her from falling to the right?). How much space does she have to maneuver? “placing the kit on the left side of L’s seat” I wonder if it would be helpful to ignore lefts and rights and ups and downs in this line and just have her looking for the closest flat surface. Distinguishing relative directions (“well…it’s to L’s left, but he’s still strapped into his seat, and it’s sort of beneath or to the side of me and is flat…”) seems like too extensive of a thought when rushing to help L. Even for someone who is keeping relatively calm under pressure. Pg 6: “pressure pads” Are these like gauze pads? Or some fancy space-first-aid thing? I’m not familiar with the term, though the concept is clear enough. It seems like she’s applying pressure herself here at first, but I think it would be better to add some more steady pressure (the dressings are mentioned later. Why does she wait? When taking her hands off to apply the dressings could allow the clotting to fail?) Also, apparently hemostatic dressings are a thing. So you could be applying pressure and also encouraging the blood to clot faster. I know nothing about them. They just turned up when I asked the internet what pressure pads are. Probably best to ask someone more familiar with emergency medical procedures what makes the most sense to have in a sci-fi first-aid kit. “a black belly…” it took me a couple seconds to figure out why the black belly was being contrasted with the green and yellow top. But they’re also sideways. So I don’t know what side is “facing up” or visible to anyone going by. And I’d imagine that the last thing that would be good for L would be moving the ship suddenly and jarring his injuries. Pg 7: “respirator system wasn’t operating.” This goes back to the safety features that should be standard on a civilian vehicle that might find itself in environments with non-breathable air. That should be attached to a back-up power system. [edit- aren’t they using the tanks later? How does being hooked into their seats help if the respirator system isn’t operating? Just confused about how exactly this works] “layered on thick bandages…” This seems like it should have been done earlier. Though I get that the downtime while she’s applying pressure allows time for processing how to get out of this mess. And delaying the radioing for help. But from an emergency response standpoint, that should have probably happened before she did anything with the wound if she knew she’d be doing nothing for ten minutes. [edit. Yeah. If setting up the mayday repeat signal was that quick, that should have been step 1] “Thank the universe” goes back to the voice of God comment above. These two subconscious religious references should probably reflect her belief system. Even if that belief system is just that she swears by whatever is common to whatever her culture seems to believe in. The voice of God comment implies some sort of Judeo-Christian reference point, but “Thank the universe” implies something almost exactly opposite that. She doesn’t have to necessarily believe either of these, but I feel like they should match for character consistency and be world-relevant. I don’t know that “voice of the universe” would come across as clearly to a reader, but maybe tie these two things together? “might break the clot” oh, so nowwww we’re worried about that. Not when we removed pressure after holding it for 10 minutes. Though the decision not to move him (a wise one) seems like it would make the back and forth a few lines above irrelevant. Unless he asks to be moved because he doesn’t realize how badly he’s injured, and her telling him no makes him realize how serious she thinks the situation is. Or something. If she knows it’s not going to be a good idea to move him, the dialogue above should reflect that and can probably give us some sense of both of their mental states. “immediate and rapid blood loss” this seems repetitive. “anti-infection shots” So…antibiotics? Pg 8: “Tell them I say hi” Heh. “six-foot-one frame bent in half…” This again brings up questions about what the space she’s trying to move around in looks like. As a short person who has now and then found myself trying to climb across the center console to get out the passenger side door due to a poorly considered parking decision, I find it very hard to picture any of my six-foot friends having much luck trying to do the same. “which didn’t require electricity” I don’t think this clarification is necessary. “As if there was a pressure difference…” Might be clearer as “Not that there was any pressure difference…” “Wind immediately snatched the door and brought it swinging against the fuselage.” So the door opens flat? Pulling that back in is going to take a lot of strength to get it passed the 90* mark where the wind is pushing against the full surface area. Pg 9: “Relying on muscle…” But wasn’t she bent in half while trying to move around inside? If she has any footing on her chair as a step, she should be able to climb out without trouble. Unless the door is more than a few feet from her seat, which seems odd aerodynamically. “prayed the wind wouldn’t pull…” If the wind is blowing through the canyon in one direction hard enough to catch the door and throw it open, I don’t see that as being a reasonable fear. If it suddenly switches directions with the same force and at an angle to push the door up and closed, I feel like our weather has just become our main concern. Because that shift in force is going to be dislodging the ship from whatever position it’s currently stuck in. Or provide enough rotation to tilt it forward or backward into the river. “small island” I’m not entirely sure how to picture this. But it does at least remove the above concern about the ship being dislodged, since it’s probably pretty well wedged in there. “wall of wind” if the wind is still blowing the same direction that blew the door open, it would be blowing her toward the door and out of the ship. If she’s leaning out far enough, that could mean needing to use her injured foot to find purchase on something to hold herself in, though, if we just need a method of continuing to make our MC miserable. Leaning out too far also leaves her more visible and exposed for when our creature-friend comes along. Pg 10: “Straining under her own weight” ? She should be mostly leaning on the door if she’s still trying to secure the slipknot. Or if the door doesn’t open flat (which, now that I’m thinking about it, makes more sense. Though the crashing against the fuselage above would need to be adjusged. I’m not sure what makes sense for a realistic ship door opening angle. Something more than 90* probably, though, which should give her some leverage on it.) I would have assumed that the first thing she would have done would have been to pull herself up enough to be sitting on the edge of the door frame. The farther past 90* it is, the more of a miserable job it’s going to be to pull it closed again, since she’ll be fighting the wind past that greatest surface area point. “opening and clothing” closing “Teeth that would crack in her shipsuit” cut through seems like a more relevant word choice. Or break through depending on the rigidity of the suit. Pg 11: Why is her oxygen so much lower than his when he’s the one at risk of having a suit leak? [edit after reattaching to the ship tanks. Got it. I wasn’t quite getting how that worked. Still not sure how they actually connect to the oxygen tanks] “By then the ship would be submerged so that the door would be easier to open” I don’t follow. If the water level is above the ship, you’re going to be pushing the weight of the water over it and the weight of the door. At least until that pressure seal is broken again. And then all of the water will be coming pouring in, and you’ll still be fighting water flow and not getting as much help from the gusting wind. Right now she only has to push it far enough to let the wind catch it. Much easier. Shouldn’t the shipsuits have some sort of insulating properties if they’re intended for use in a number of different planetary environments? Pg 12: “…over her visor, over her shoulder.” It seems like the speed that the ship is filling at has sped up. Concluding rambling thoughts: Most of the above thoughts were a result of reading more slowly while actually commenting. I don’t remember half of them the first time through because the tension and pacing were really great, and it hid a lot of little inconsistencies or confusing points. I’m going to echo the others’ thoughts on not being sure what her motivation is, since it seems to be winning races at the beginning then switches halfway through. And I’ll admit I’m not super excited about winning races as a key motivation unless she has a more obvious reason for it. For realizing that friendship is more important than racing to be the main arc, I think we need more contrast up front. Right now, they seem pretty close and have a solid, friendly history. Going through near-death experiences together is obviously going to strengthen that relationship even further, but it’s not enough of a change from their starting point for me to feel like real change happened.