C_Vallion

Somehow, I missed my rambling response post last week. Who even am I? Ugh. Yeah. Sorry about that. Those are my standard printing margins for when I'm doing on-paper edits, and I apparently failed to change them back afterward. There's a line on page one as soon as Is-n sees the body where he assumes it's someone else the assassin had targeted. Which is also where the banquet comes in. Because he assumes that anyone worth assassinating would have been at the banquet (or missing from it, as the case may be). Maybe that's not clear enough? Okay. So at least part of what I was trying to do here seemed to be coming through, and that everyone caught the finger pointing. Ultimately, I want it to seem like V is rather desperately grasping at straws by the end and really has no idea who to blame but feels the need to blame someone. Would you say that's coming across? Or does it just seem like it's being unclear about who V thinks was responsible? Relatedly, is the "But why would he blame D?" question too much of a sticking point? Good. Like R's chapter, this is intended to be where we see more of what's actually going on in V's mind compared to the perception people have of him and the front he puts up. Ultimately V's not too concerned about the particulars on this front. I'll have to think about whether I want to call that out or not when I go back to revisions on this one. The main reason it's Is-n here is because he's a more central focus in Part 2. But his pov does definitely need a little more work here. I'd gone back and forth between him and D a few times before going this direction to focus on the brothers' interactions, but there are definitely still sections that seem to almost be in-between povs, where there isn't anything that makes it notably from Is-n's pov. Going to have to nail that down a little better in the next round of revisions. Does this comes across a little more clearly after Chapter 10? There were hints at this before, but it isn't really dug into until Part 2. I likely need to add a little more about the family dynamics in Part 1. Most of that had been in Ali's intro chapter and didn't get shoehorned back into the other chapters after that one got cut. As always, thanks, all!

Ooooo! Look at you all go!

Pg 1: Oh hey! GM. I’m excited to see GM. “…but by that time everything will be on fire.” Exactly the sort of chaotic energy I expect from GM. Pg 2: I am a little surprised by how quickly things go up in flames. Even a well-built pile of flammable things (complete with gaps for air circulation but still with enough strength to not cave in and put itself out) is going to need a little more than crumpled paper and a single match. Cover all the plywood and dry stuff in gasoline or something equally flammable, and I think you’ll have better luck with the dramatic single match. The scene change starting with T seeing the smoke, then C running off after it was a little disorienting. Obviously C also saw it, but I think it would be helpful to either mention that or have T tell her. Just to avoid the very brief “Wait. T is the one who saw the smoke. What’s C worried about” confusion. Pg 6: “I think she’s been struggling…she’s still a kid.” This seems like a big realization for E to have come to when he’s mostly seemed like the cheery, carefree member of the group. “No” Go, E, Go! Pg 7: It seems like a bit of a stretch that fires starting at several separate piles would make the space between them impassible so quickly that she wouldn’t be able to get out… “it could take hours for it to catch.” That seems unlikely to me if everything around it is burning unless she’s got a constant source of water to keep it wet. Pg 8: “I thought that meant…” glad you included this, because my immediate thought after the “Ashen things can’t burn” sentence was “but that was just about the stove.” Wouldn’t C have figured out that she can’t be burnt before then, though? Never got sunburn? Or accidentally touched the wood stove as a kid? Pg 9: I hope the new ashen item that’s going to save the day is one we’ve seen before…otherwise I think it’s going to frustrate my deus ex machina concerns. Overall: I like this chapter overall, but some of the fire details aren’t quite holding up my suspension of disbelief. I don’t know if it’s the blocking of the scene, and I’m picturing things differently than they are, but I can’t figure out why there aren’t gaps where C could clear burning things out of the way to make a path, if she can’t get burned, or why GM couldn’t have just made a run for it when she saw the gaps closing in. It seems unlikely that she stood there admiring her work for the good long while it would take for a full ring of fire to form around her. And if C is able to see past the fire to see the ring of wet grass GM is standing in (which I’m still not convinced would stay unburned if the flames around it are so hot and high that GM can’t get out), it can’t be burning that high. I don’t know. I think part of me also sees the opportunity for C to be the hero here by clearing burning debris to make a path for GM on her own, so seeing her call in help (which feels like it’s going to take far more time than they have) is a little disappointing. I think I like the twist of ashen things being unburnable in general, but I think I’d like to see some other lead-in hint to that earlier on as well. I know that list of things is getting longer and longer, but I think introducing significant details immediately before they become vitally important goes a long way in making the reader feel that those twists are earned instead of just feeling blindsided and sort of tricked. I do like that E stands up for his friends and recognizes the horribleness of his parents. 1) Nothing boring. And I think I’ve rambled on about the confusing aspects of the fire above. 2) I think this is also mostly covered in the LBLs. GM’s motivations aren’t that clear, but she gets away with it by being the wild card who literally just wants to watch the world burn at this point. I think my issue with her here is that she has seemed smarter than to get herself barricaded into an inferno.

Pg 2: The conversation about the shirt goes on a little longer than it probably needs to. I think this falls into a similar category as the one previous conversation about make-up and the like. I’m all about a little commentary on ridiculous gendered fashion standards, but more than a few lines feels too on the nose. “what makes it a girl’s shirt anyway?” Also necklines. You forgot the necklines. Because girls obviously can’t wear shirts that don’t at least pretend to show cleavage *facepalm* “Mom ushers us but mostly N…” I think we need some commas here. Or parentheses or em-dashes. Something to separate the “but mostly N” from the rest. I find the lack of familiarity with Lord of the Rings odd. I mean. I get being off-grid and from some sort of magical community, but LotR isn’t exactly pop culture. What do they do in their free time where he’s from? Pg 3: If they just had to explain all of the other general fantasy tropes to him, aren’t they a little surprised by his keen knowledge of fey lore? Pg 4: “We talked a lot about Irish mythology…” but is unfamiliar with other mythologies? I feel like magical creatures would find the fantasy genre especially amusing for what they get wrong. Or would be deeply involved with it to intentionally mislead people. I’d sort of expect N to have some strong opinions on Tolkein’s elves vs. Keebler elves. Or how so-and-so says the fey do x, y, and z, but really, that doesn’t make sense. “Not exactly…Eld- blast” Hah. “glad you have faith in my magical powers…” I’d expect him to find her comment a little more unnerving. He seems to get nervous about a bunch of other things. This seems like it would hit pretty close to home, high charisma or not. Pg 5: “…the pain from her joy relying…” this sentence could use some reworking for clarity. Pg 6: I think this does a good job of making the gameplay section more about W’s emotional reaction to the game instead of about the play-by-play of what’s happening. Nice job there. Pg 7: “the way I play isn’t good enough.” Above, it seemed like she was upset because she wanted to be the one to make her mom feel better, and N was doing that instead. But then there’s frustration because she feels like she’s not playing well. Which sort of makes her come across as a sore-loser… I think it could be helpful to have a little more clarity on what exactly is making her upset, since right now it seems like possibly both? But that she’s ignoring the one that seems like the bigger deal on this page, so I’m not sure what to make of it. Pg 8: Before I get bogged down in rambly thoughts, I like the last line. It makes me want to just pat N on the head for being a nice boy and for being supportive even when W doesn’t seem to want to be supported. There’s a lot of WRS in the following thoughts, but here we go… This is reminding me that it’s been a while since we’ve had any informational tidbits about the whole threat to the magical creatures thing. I know we had E’s grandfather (?) mentioned in rather ominous tones, but I don’t think we’ve had much other big-picture threat stuff going on. I’m pretty sure you scratched the prologue, and I know a lot of my thoughts here are from when that was still included, but at this point, we haven’t seen too many hints of anything going on beyond high school relationship plotlines. It may just be the suspicious part of my brain, but my thought immediately upon reading this section was “Welp. Looks like we’ll have a big standoff at some point where N has to decide whether to hurt someone who is trying to kill him. And W is going to have to decide whether or not to abandon him to his poor decisions. Oh. That’s suddenly far darker than anywhere we’ve been thus far” if that’s just reading too much into things (as I tend to do), feel free to ignore this, but if we do head in that direction, I think we might need a few more hints at the big picture threat by this point in the story. At the moment, we have vague whiffs of magic here and there, but nothing concrete, and W seems entirely uninformed. So depending on how far into the story we are, and how far we shift away from the high school setting by the end, it might be helpful to have a few more directional markers early on. 1. I liked how well N took to the D&D game, and how excited W’s mom was about it. It was a little frustrating to see W coming across as almost jealous about how well they were getting along, though. 2. I think most of my character thoughts are in the lbls. 3. Maybe? I think it depends where things are going. If their conversation at the end is foreshadowing turns in slightly darker directions, then yes. Otherwise, I’m not sure. I like it (partly just because I like D&D and board games) but I don’t think I know enough about the ultimate direction of the story to say if this moves it in that direction or not. 4. I don’t have much experience with ADHD, so it may just be my lack of awareness, but I definitely wouldn’t have recognized that in W based on the symptoms/mannerisms I’m aware of (I wasn’t aware that hypersensitivity to rejection is associated with it at all). I guess I’d wonder what significant changes you’d expect to have to make to make her more clearly neurotypical, since I don’t really see it as having to be an either/or if you shift away from the undiagnosed ADHD possibility. I’d think the past trauma of her mom’s previous illness and near-death would be enough to leave unresolved issues that would be triggered by her current circumstances. Fear of rejection and fear of being abandoned (whether intentionally or otherwise) aren’t quite the same thing, but I’d think they would work themselves out in similar ways when it comes to avoiding letting people get too close. I think that can be done in a way that’s more relatable to the readers without turning everything on its head. But having a clearer understanding of what’s causing her responses and seeing her find healthy ways to cope with that might be more helpful. I know that seeing her try to overcome her anger issues was far more engaging than just giving in to them. And even in this chapter, seeing her acknowledge that she shouldn’t be upset with N or her mom is far more engaging than if she was just moping. There’s also the fact that there’s no big reason not to have two separate projects with protagonists who have ADHD. I don’t know if any of that is helpful. I don’t have much background related to ADHD or other disorders that begin before or near birth, so I’m not much help on that front. However, I have done a decent amount of training related to trauma-related disorders as part of foster parent training, and am glad to have my brain picked about that should it be potentially helpful. It may not be any more conclusive (is anything I go on about ever conclusive?) but it’s something I feel slightly better equipped to comment on. And now that I've put together yet another critique that's more than half the length of the chapter itself, I'll see myself out.

Hello, All! Note before reading: There are two color-coded sections here that are relevant and important for the chapter, but will be introduced earlier when I work through the next revision. I tried to mesh them in with the chapter here, but here together, it definitely makes it more info-dumpy than it would be with them in their eventual locations. I added text boxes that explain the color-coding at those spots, but if you’re reading on a phone, they don’t turn up where they’re supposed to. Green text: will be introduced before Ala catches Is- casting the fire spell. Probably in one of his first two chapters if I can figure out how to mesh it in. Blue text: will be introduced before the concert. Or possibly in Ali’s chapter, since she is already aware that Is- knows the fire spell. And because I sort of feel like any detail that might combat the sense of Is-’s idleness through Part 1 should be introduced as early as possible. Thanks so much for all of the thoughts about the interlude and Part 1 as a whole. Definitely have a lot of work ahead of me in getting all of that where it needs to be, but it does seem like some of the things I was trying to do in 9 and the interlude are coming across. Now to fix things to keep from losing people along the way… The pacing should be a little better from here forward (now that we don’t have any bedridden MCs), so I’m hoping the issues with the next bunch of chapters will be less frustrating. I guess we’ll see. Content Warning: Mild Language Usual questions plus one: Any confusing/boring sections for this chapter? Thoughts on characters? Points of interest or engagement? The color-coded text: Does it seem like those details added in earlier would be helpful, both for Is’s engagement level in Part 1 and for a slightly better sense of where the lines of legality vs. general social custom fall in regard to magic? Thanks so much!

This is definitely a thing I've gone back and forth on, and have had a lot of trouble trying to figure out the best way to have various characters refer to Is-n's condition. Some would definitely be careful to use more respectful phrasing, but even there, I haven't figure out a term to fit the condition exactly. And I think it reflects R's bitterness and irreverence to the situation appropriately, partly because it's not polite or respectful. I am glad to change it out for a better option, and would welcome any thoughts or suggestions on what that might be, but I haven't come to any good alternatives that fit the attitude the pov characters would have toward it. For R, especially, there's a lot of bitterness and resentment and frustration wrapped up in his attitude toward Is-n because Is-n's accident and resulting disability forced him to basically exile himself or spend the rest of his life in bed. Not to mention the aspect that by choosing that self-exile, Is-n was choosing to give up any opportunity at a real relationship with R once R was named the heir (this is what Is-n's line in the interlude is referring to about having lost R. To jump ahead in your review comments before I forget ) So yeah...I would definitely love to find a more fitting option if there is one out there, but it does encompass the rudeness and disrespect that the characters who would be using the term would have for his disability, whether it's the members of court who would see the disability as shameful or a reason to pity him, or R with his complicated bitterness/resentment toward the whole situation. This probably won't be the last of things that I need to adjust or be cautious about in regard to Is-n's condition... but we'll muddle through those as we get to them... please keep pointing out things that seem off, though, as I know I'll be missing things that come across differently than they are meant to. This, mostly. They see her as sort of a blank slate who will mostly follow her father's policies but who seems quiet enough that they can probably assume she won't push back if they try to push her into a marriage with whoever they want to set up as a "more-fitting" ruler or if certain members of the court start acting up to claim a little more power. They assume she's more predictable and less trouble than R would be. early to mid 20s. All of the ages have gotten smudged a bit in this revision, but it's roughly Ali- 17- 18. Is- 19-21 Al-20-22 R-23-24 R just happens to still be rather hotheaded. Hooray. Things that are coming across correctly! Hopefully once I get Is-a and Ala working the way they're supposed to it will be a little closer, but there's no problem with him being your favorite. Yeah. I was having trouble thinking of a proper term. Him being a foil to Is and V would probably be more accurate. Ultimately, I wouldn't call him a side character, though he starts out that way. As things go forward, he gets dragged more into the middle of things. I'll be continuing to look for feedback for how all of these shifts get carried through, so feel free to continue to offer thoughts on how he's coming across in that regard. Yeah. I still need to figure out exactly how to get this (and the other things you noted in that paragraph) correct. Ultimately, I do want it to seem like the PoV characters are underestimating the C threat so that they're blindsided when it punches them in the gut in a few more chapters. But I think part of the issue is also that Part 1 is still far too long, and is still doing a lot of "Hey! Look over here!" before proceeding to point at the wrong things. Some of it is a good deal more trimming. Some of it is finding a way to introduce Is-'s actual interactions with the court before she's sidelined. Some of it is giving Ala- better short-term goals to be working toward. Initially, he was doing a lot more off-screen in Part 1, so the specific tasks he was working toward here weren't as important. They get turned on their head and redirected down the road anyway, but there needs to be something engaging for him to be doing here now that Is- is spending more of Part 1 off-screen... Yeah... I have a lot of work ahead of me on all of that. Most of those problems clear up more going into Part 2, but aspects of them still linger, and I'm not sure I can do much with that until I find the better starting points for them... I have ideas for things to do in all of these directions, but we'll see where they actually end up when I get around to Part 1 revisions again. Hah. 95% of that growth is just straight up cutting 15k words from the start. These chapters were all rewritten and trimmed and polished to various extents, but only one and a few miscellaneous scenes are fully new. Ultimately, the current Chapter 1 just used to be Chapter 7 or something like that. And from general opinions, it seems like the 15k words wasn't enough to cut to keep the pacing up. Now it's just a matter of figuring out which scenes and things need to go on the chopping block this time around, and what things need to be mashed back in from the old cut (like some of the specifics of the magic system). As always, thanks for all of your thoughts! They are extremely helpful!

Spot for Monday, please?

1. Nope. Though if we have too much more errand-running before they actually make their attempt to leave, I'll probably end up getting a little restless before too long (says the person who leaves one of her MCs bedridden for several thousand words...oops) 2. I like C and T here a good deal. V...well...meh. 3. Unfortunately, V's actions here don't really land for me. I do think some of that is probably WRS. It's been a while since the early chapters when he was more clearly trying to be a helpful friend to C. For his actions here to come across as 1. something he's actually conflicted about and 2. something that hurts C as deeply as it seems like its supposed to. After all, she abandoned S to be lost with the town. And while S seems like a pretty horrible person, C has recognized her as her mother up until a few days before. Why should V's decision to stay be that much more significant other than the fact that now they have to figure out what to do with A. I think to make his crisis of character in the recent chapters work, we need clearer evidence of the before, during, and after of that change. More loyalty/friendship/helpfulness at the start. Some point of change that makes him realize that it's all for naught. This was vaguely mentioned, in that while he was flying around, he tried to leave. But we didn't really get any indication of the why of it except that he said he was feeling like he didn't belong. I think if that needs to hit like it's supposed to, we need to get some indication that despite his loyalty to and friendship with C, he's still feeling left out or like the task is too big for him, from the beginning. Otherwise, it feels really out of the blue. And even if we're more sympathetic with his wanting to give up on the job, I think we need more reason for him to be willing to actively abandon everyone else to their fates when he knows what they're facing. Feeling inadequate to save them on his own is one thing, and would argue for the attempt to flee the town. But taking that helplessness and then taking the one ticket to guaranteed safety just seems like a really horrible thing for him to do if we are supposed to think of him in any sort of positive light... I don't know if that's helpful. Feel free to send me a message if you'd like any additional thoughts on that front. Pg 1: I want a car autopilot screen… Pg 3: This is sort of a jerk move from V. Was he just waiting for C to get there to rub it in her face when they’re trying to look for help? What if she and T hadn’t decided to put A in the AH (AHHHH! Sorry. Can’t help it.)? “the only one who I can really trust.” Is he, though? I think T and E have been more trustworthy in recent chapters. Even if they’re also trying to work through their own problems. V’s sort of been out doing his own thing for a while now. “supposed to help me” Again, is he, though? Why’s that supposed to fall on him? And what help is he supposed to be providing? Pg 4: “There’s nothing I’m supposed to do.” I’m with V on this one. Even if he seems to be about to throw C and company under a bus. “I’m just a green raven boy who tumbled into a vegetable patch.” Which is all that different from C tumbling into existence after S (I assume) fed things into the wood stove, how? “I hope you win” but I’m going to do the one thing within my power at the moment to make all your lives more difficult. I am having a lot of issues with V here… I feel like it’s supposed to come across as a betrayal of sorts, which works to some extent, but I don’t know that I had enough of a sense of him actually trying to help C for this to come across as him being conflicted about betraying a friend. Mostly it just seems like he has been taking advantage of C’s kindness and friendship and is now grabbing the last seat in the lifeboat himself… It’s possible that there’s some WRS involved. I know it’s been….months? (in reading time) since V first appeared, and that he’s been absent for the past number of chapters. So I’m sure there is probably more friendship and loyalty shown in the early chapters than I’m remembering from recent reading…but I’m not feeling it enough to be all that offended by his betrayal here except to have a general “Wow. What a selfish jerk.” feeling about it Pg 5: I like C’s fighting to get the door back open. It’s good to see her determination and desperation kicking in. “How can she hope…can’t even save V?” I mean. Both E and G-M have a much longer history with her and seem to have far more motivation to not just give it all up and lock themselves in a magic house…V doesn’t really have any attachments to the town (as he’s said), but E and GM both have reasons to fight for it and reasons to want it to be saved. So I’d think V would be the far more difficult one to save anyway. Pg 6: “If T can do that, C can keep trying.” I like this line. I’m glad to see T’s looking after her grandfather recognized for exactly the reason C acknowledges here—that it’s something that is likely to go unacknowledged otherwise. “going to have to take A with us.” Hooray! Road trip! Pg 7: I also want a magic fan that rearranges available information into a usable format. Man, I really like the magical items. Pg 8: I don’t remember if we knew much about G before. If it wasn’t mentioned that he was a mechanic (but now isn’t), that would be a good tidbit to include to keep that continuity of who has sacrificed what, so that it feels more like a natural reveal instead of an “of course someone has a magical toolbox when it’s exactly what we need…” deus ex machina issue. You may have done this and I’m forgetting. As a thought that you can feel free to discard: you could even bring it up when they’re looking at the vehicles for one that works so that it’s fresher in our minds. Having one of the kids mention that they could see if MG learned anything from her dad about cars or if they might be able to get G to fix something without making him suspicious and have it shut down because he doesn’t do that anymore (and now all of the things he tries to fix go horribly wrong?) As mentioned, I love the odd magical items, but do think that they are at risk of becoming a …well… magical solution to any problem we might find ourselves running into. Good setup ahead of time will help with that a lot, though. Are they stealing it? Or are they just using it quickly and returning it? There’s a pretty big difference between those options.

Hello, All! So. I’ve been calling this an interlude chapter in my notes, but haven’t entirely decided how it will work once I’ve gone through another round of restructuring/reworking Part 1. I think it’s helpful going into Part 2, but I’ll probably look for more specific feedback on that down the road. Content Warning: Mild Language, mild gore (there's a dead body present) The usual questions plus two. Any confusing/boring sections for this chapter? Thoughts on characters? Points of interest or engagement? Does this angle feel like it works well placed here? Assuming that I can trim/rework Part 1 to clarify Is-a’s perception of the political framework within the court and her understanding of her place in it? Does this change the direction of where you thought things would be going? And is that a good or bad thing? Thanks so much!

Sorry to hear that, Moonsilver. Losing family is never easy. @Silk or @Robinski ? Always a good idea to tag them to make sure they see the messages here.

Can I have a spot for Monday, please?

I am realizing now that this is probably where not having the earlier chapters is creating the most problems. It's still better without them for the most part, but when Is is the one who knows what's going on in court, having her sidelined before she actually interacts with anyone other than Ro really makes things difficult. She knows the people but isn't physically in the same room as any of them 90% of the time. Then while Al is interacting with them a little more directly, he's not as knowledgeable about who anyone is. In theory, the early Is chapters were supposed to introduce enough of the political framework for the reader to be a little more informed than Al, and to notice things that he isn't equipped to recognize once he takes over actually interacting with people. But that fell apart a lot harder than I thought it would when I cut the early chapters. All the details are still there, but without that earlier framework, they're just coming across as random information...urgh. So...how to fix it...hm. Hah. These are the reasons I usually end up starting scenes like three pages too early. Because my brain generally believes that boredom is less problematic than disorientation, apparently. Either way, this is further proof that I still need a ton of work on my chapter openings. Both Mart and Adr (and the fact that Adr seems to have a crush on Ala) are mentioned in Chapter 7. I'm never sure how much those details not sticking is due to information overload and how much is due to WRS. The combination of the two is certainly not helpful, though. Li is mentioned a good deal in the court scene in Chapter 6, but we've all gone over how a lot of that isn't sticking like it should... This could all definitely use a little clarification about what R is assuming. Ultimately, Z is making the rounds to sort of gather the usual crowd to get out of there, which R recognizes. But like you said. There's no background about their relationship at this point. Sigh. Oops Hah. You should read some of the earlier drafts *cringe* I definitely at some point had it in my head that dialogue can't be more than a sentence long without people doing things. Which is why everyone seems to be doing a song and dance routine or is just really focused on breathing or whatever. I don't know why. Part of me blames my Fortunately, I'm aware enough now to be catching myself doing it eventually. But unfortunately they're still instinctive to add in. Like we need an action at every natural pause in conversation or something. Also unfortunately, I tend to not notice those things until I've let things sit for a week, so if I make any significant changes in my pre-submission edits, there' not enough break for me to catch as many. Hoping to stay a little further ahead on the revision schedule for Part 2 so that we have fewer issues with that sort of thing. See, this is how a lot of the seemingly irrelevant conversations were supposed to come across in Al's pov chapters. Where the base details we get in earlier chapters get some depth or additional color by getting another character's perspective on it, even we haven't seen them interact with it directly before. For example: Provide enough background information about Cag- conflict so that when we get to the court scene and the other nobles are all riled up about it, there's a "Wait. Is seemed really dismissive of that, but it seems like this is an actual thing." or alternatively "Right. I remember Is saying that all the nobles were all riled up about this. Sure looks like she was right about that." I'd hoped that the conversation between Is and V would be enough to create that connection, but apparently it wasn't. And the scene where she was talking to one of the nobles about it at the party before the tournament (which would have definitely been the clearest spot for that to stick) got cut. Hooray! So it seems like a total of one thing has come across like I was intending it to Guilty. Rambling tends to be how I eventually wander into solutions to my problems. And also sometimes just wander into more problems. I will be the first to admit that this is making all of our lives more difficult.... Basically step one for the next set of revisions is to trim back everything I possibly can to cut down the time between Al's audience with the king and R's chapter here. I'd kept some of it because I wanted to fill in some of the political framework, but without pre-poisoned Is's goals coming across well, I definitely get what you mean by it being unclear where anything is going. Partly because some things aren't explained and partly because the things that are explained aren't sinking in. I am tempted to throw a pre-tournament chapter back in to deal with some of that. Because not having that framework of the court from her perspective (and where she feels her place in it is) is really causing so many other things to nosedive. But am afraid of then losing the tournament excitement at the start. Blargh. Nope. That sounds about right...unfortunately. Hah. See, both the conversation with his adviser and the court scene were supposed to work on conveying this. Where he knows the facts of things, but hasn't matched names to faces or gotten to know how anyone actually interacts there in person. But they obviously need a good deal of work. Still for Ali's birthday festivities. But starting with the tournament didn't provide as much opportunity to make that stick either. Since Is is more focused on the tournament than her sister's birthday. It's mentioned, but it felt weird to shoehorn in a bunch of stuff about birthday parties when we're about to have a swordfight. It's also been, what, three months since that chapter? I wouldn't blame your memory on that one. I appreciate your mentioning this. When there are so many other things that aren't where they need to be (and where many of those problems are building on each other), it's encouraging to have positive first chapter thoughts brought back Fortunately, the big issue of Is- spending all of her time in bed ceases to be a problem from here forward. So that should be helpful. There's still probably more talking than there needs to be, but there's a lot more opportunity to make that far more engaging when Is isn't stuck in her bedroom hiding from everyone. Not confusing at all, and definitely very helpful. I still have to figure out how to actually fix the problems, but it's good to know that you're seeing similar things to what I am. Also bonus points to you for managing a coherent response under those circumstances. My brain does not work well on little sleep.

Pg 1: The first line feels a little clunky. I think maybe the description between the two dialogue sections might be a little too long? Pg 2: “I expect you’ll still be wanting them.” So where does S think she’s going if not to the AH (sidenote: It amuses me that abbreviating AH immediately makes me think of someone startled and shouting. And now it’s impossible to not think of it as a haunted house jump-scare thing every time I type it. But anyway.) “couldn’t win a fight…” even against skeletal S? I imagine there’s not much muscle there. Pg 3: “a sword.” A what-now? This was not what I was expecting. “It doesn’t make sense.” I do love messing around with dimensional perception. “a tube of something” I think having a better comparison for what this looks like would be helpful. Does it resemble a tube of toothpaste? A tube of caulk or sealant? A tube of lotion/makeup/something small? Something to give us an idea of size/shape/etc. even if she has no idea what it is. “I told these fools…” Hah. I was not expecting S’s insistent supportiveness here, but I like it. Pg 4: “Mr. S’s driving screen” and I repeat: what-now? “Where else would teachers go…” Hah. The universal mind-blowing childhood realization that teachers might live somewhere other than the school. Pg 5: “…with you out of the house.” Wow. Rude. But also entirely in character. Pg 6: “S is a lost cause.” Oh. This is not a thought I would have expected to come from C. And it makes me a little sad. I was getting attached to a new angle of reaching out to S or one of the other adults. I mean. S can only be blamed so much for the stove and town eating away at her decency. And if S is too far gone because she’s sacrificed some aspect of her decency to the stove, how are any of the friends who’ve made sacrifices any less-far-gone? Seems a little harsh from C. Pg 10: “help with grandpa.” I’m still not sure why she’s fine with leaving him there at all when the whole point is that they’re abandoning the town with the assumption that the curse is probably going to consume it all. When they don’t trust any of the adults, who do they think is going to be capable of watching him? Pg 12: Will the AH accept someone who isn’t Ash-? I was under the impression that it wouldn’t. Why wouldn’t someone else have just jumped in to take advantage of its powers in the meantime? Overall (which pretty much includes the answers to your questions, since it would be trickier to separate them than just lump them together): I like S’s unexpected helpfulness but it seems like an odd place for her to jump in and be helpful if she is then going to insist on dying on the ash pile. I will continue to hope she joins the fleeing-the-town expedition at the last second, armed with the weird sword, until proven otherwise. And either way, I found C’s response to S rather disappointing. I get that she’s determined to get out of there, but writing S off as a lost cause instead of grieving her decision to stay behind (even if S is sort of a horrible person) seemed out of character to me. I do like the addition of the new ashen items quite a lot, and am entirely fine with their weirdness so long as they don’t become a deus ex machina to solve every problem. The fact that they’ve been associated with specific characters we have interacted with helps a lot with that, I think. The sword is a good fit because we’ve been wondering the whole time what’s going on with Ch. The driving screen is a little more iffy, since we hadn’t really had any indication of Mr. S’s sacrifice before then (as far as I remember). Our insight-riddle-fan makes me feel a little better about T’s sacrifice, though I do think I could still use some additional clarity (or insight, perhaps) on what exactly being without insight means. And I’m a little concerned about her competence dropping too much because of the loss. As it is, there have been a few times since her sacrifice where she’s seemed to take a little longer to catch on to things, and times when she’s jumped right into conversations, and I think there needs to be more consistency there or more clarity about why she’s able to process some things quickly and why others just don’t click. The Cut- coming to get E was the main part that seemed like it went on longer than it needed to. I do like getting the detail that he thinks the keys were never found, which to me suggests that E is still supporting his friends, whether or not he ends up being willing to go himself. But I’m not sure how much else we should be taking away from that.

Hello, All! Here we have a Ro PoV to end of Part 1. Though once I’ve trimmed more back from these early chapters, we’ll see whether that part designation means anything. Content Warning: Mild Language The usual questions plus Part 1 summary questions. Any confusing/boring sections for this chapter? Thoughts on characters? Points of interest or engagement? I know Ro is a more clearly dynamic character than Is- or Al, and have toyed with the idea of having a pov chapter from him earlier, but have always liked the idea of him coming across as more of a pseudo-antagonist or stressing the fact that Is and her father both undervalue his opinions in the earlier chapters before revealing more of his true colors here. Is that effective (or would it be assuming I can ever get Is- and Al to be as engaging as they’re supposed to be )? Or am I just continuing to do all of the things that make my life more difficult by holding off? Considering Part 1 as a whole, what would you say are the biggest points of frustration/disengagement/ things you thought were unnecessary up to this point? Things unrelated to Is- or Al’s needing to be more dynamic would be more helpful, since I know those have been dwelt on a good deal in both the comments and my rambling responses, and I've already gotten some solid feedback from a number of you on some things to consider during revisions. But if there are really specific parts of those that you can think of those would also be helpful. And then, relatedly, biggest points of interest or engagement or things you would have liked to see more of through Part 1? Do you have a sense of where you expect things to go or where you would want them to go from here? Thanks so much! I continue to appreciate all of your thoughts and patience as I figure out some of the bigger challenges of this whole project.

Unfortunately, Do is also under orders from her father and uncle. And as the mage-healer who was involved with helping her survive the assassination attempt, he also has a lot to lose if said charade fails and his involvement (or her uncle's) comes to light. Though even playing up that aspect would probably help with the engagement level (to jump to other issues for a moment). Hmmmm... See, that's funny, because in my head, the firestones would come across as less magicky because they're more common and more practical. Almost like flipping a light on. Or turning on the stove. You might not understand how the electricity makes it work, but you know what to expect when you flip the switch, and can trust it to do what it's supposed to. Whereas the healing stones would be more like medication, where it will probably do what it's supposed to, but it very well might have some unexpected or unpleasant side-effects. So to me it makes sense to be more cautious of the healing stones. But part of that is not having had a good chance to show the real range of what magic is capable of or how it can go wrong. And I'm sure that having the capabilities and limitations of the magic system bouncing around in my head for literally years probably has something to do with it. The important thing from this is that some spellstones are more complicated or require more background knowledge than others, which seems to be coming across. That will be coming back in a couple more chapters. Yeah. This needed to be made much clearer at the beginning, but I can't figure out a place to make it obvious in a way that feels realistic. Ultimately, she sees her purpose in life as doing everything she can to serve the kingdom. In addition to behind-the-scenes things like helping with her mother's research or acting as a sounding board for her father's political thought-processing, she sees that as requiring her to create a public image of strength, control, and capability to represent the royal family well and to avoid being recognized as a weak point of the royal family and used against her father. Because she's spent most of her life watching her father mask his weaknesses and watching the more vicious members of the court try to capitalize on them. After the poisoning, she's confronted with being suddenly unable to represent the family in the way she thinks necessary, and is afraid of becoming a further point of vulnerability for her father, or for screwing up the things he has been working toward if members of court try to leverage the assassination attempt for their own purposes. So it's a whole "How am I useful or valuable to anyone if I'm incapable of doing this thing that has been a foundational point of my identity for so long?" thing that is also a "I'm hiding my actual issue of being unable to deal with my own vulnerabilities behind the more palatable issue of wanting to better serve the kingdom" thing. But I'm pretty sure that most of that is...not coming across. Because starting out with the tournament (while a more exciting scene than other potential options I've come up with) doesn't have her directly interacting with any of the people she's trying to put on that initial front of competence for. And after that she's in a bit of a pity mode and hiding away from all of the people who might notice she's not entirely in control of her life at the moment. I tried to have some of it come across in 5(?) when she mentions being afraid of being used against her father, and a little in 7 when she snaps at Ali about feeling useless and her diversionary tactics of framing things in a way that makes her pretend she has more control over her pain and emotions than she actually does. But there needs to be more clarity at the start for it to come across like I want it to, and a lot of the subtleties are missing altogether. Ultimately, I am not hugely surprised by a lot of the frustrations with Is- through this round of revisions... some of the key motivation foundations are still missing and I have yet to find a good way to get them across. Psshhhh. That's never stopped me (obviously). Thanks so much for the additional thoughts. My problem-solving process benefits a lot from these sorts of working-through-issues conversations, so even if they don't bring up specific solutions, they're extremely helpful.

I swear you guys all sit around and wait for me to respond to the first couple of critiques before hitting submit so that they show up right after I've typed up responses. Though I guess it makes sense that most people don't have time to read until weekends. I just have a weird schedule in that weekends are far busier for me than most weekdays. I think part of this is that there are a lot of things that are coming across as being implied in my head, but aren't anywhere near clear enough for the reader to pick up on. Especially in regard to Is's personality and motivations. And as is often the case, I've made my life more difficult by having rather introverted protagonists. Is's quietness is supposed to be a contrast to pre-poisoned Is showing that she's struggling mentally and emotionally more than she's letting on. But not having pre-poisoned Is on-page much beforehand certainly doesn't help. Still trying to figure out how to convey all of that... Hah. That's because I'm pretty sure I meant to delete one of those phrases and didn't. Whoops. Good. It should be coming across as pretty miserable. Does this affect the above impression about the firestone being more magick-y at all? Or create any additional assumptions about the magic system as a whole? Accurate. In theory this should be coming across as more of an inner conflict where she's aware that it's stupid to refuse their help but also unable to get past her own stubbornness and fear of looking weak. But I think she needs to call that out for it to come across right. No problem. Most of the issues that are still going on here deserve bluntness. This is a thing I've been struggling to figure out pretty much for this entire section. On one hand, I want it to come across as the poison having actual consequences instead of just being immediately fixed without any issues. I don't think it's so much that there aren't things at stake so much as that I've done an incredibly bad job of conveying what the actual stakes are. Unfortunately, I haven't figured out how to portray what is important to pre-poisoned Is, since we only interact with her for half a chapter. So that's made it really hard for post-poisoned Is to not just seem sad and pathetic. And I haven't figured out a good way to deal with that yet. Part of it is that I still need to trim a lot back in chapters 4-8. (While also finding a way to get all of the plot setup details in there in an engaging way. Blargh). But I'm still not completely sure that chapter one starts where it needs to to get things started at the right point. And this is the most we see of her for a while... Honestly still trying to figure out if she should be a named character through here at all, except that it then makes it seem like Is doesn't pay attention to her servants' names...which isn't what I want to convey either... Fair. Okay. So I get this. And this (along with a few related issues) is something I feel like I've been struggling with. I know I do too much lead-in to conversations and too much explanation of everyone's reasons for being in a given place at a given time, but I feel like leaving that out entirely would make things feel random or ungrounded? Like if we just appear in the garden with Al and Det and May, when the last time we saw Is, she was struggling to walk across her bedroom and seemed pretty fine hiding away indefinitely. So. Real question. Doesn't that require some explanation for why she's out in the gardens instead of still being locked away in her room? Most of the plot relevance is in the fact that it's Is- forcing herself to go out and keep up the facade of normalcy, not in it being a concert, but I feel like there still needs to be some explanation? This is something I need to get a better sense for all around, so any thoughts any of you have on this would be great. @Ace of Hearts @RedBlue @Moonsilver Similar question here to the previous one. I tried to include some of this here because Is- is going to be in Mal- and it seems equally problematic to open the first scene there with a geography summary. I'd hoped that knowing that she's going there and that it's to some extent tied to her uncle's magic use would be enough to create more of a "Ooo. So what are we going to be doing there?" curiosity? But maybe not? I feel like I've run into a number of "Why are we having this conversation?" questions in critiques related to similar plot setup situations. And I definitely need to figure out how to make some improvement on that in my next round of revisions (as well as continuing forward on this one). So. Thoughts? I think it would have been a really nice moment if Al had offered Is an arm, and she took it. I really wanted to see that happen. Mostly Al is aware that the last time he offered to help her, she stumbled off on her own and almost got herself killed, and all of that still pokes at his PTSD a bit. But maybe having him awkwardly say something along the lines of "I'd offer help, but it went poorly last time." (which Is- would appreciate far more than the offer of an arm anyway) might get that across. Oof. Lots of things to be thinking about in all of these points. Thanks, all!

As a fellow weird academic, there's part of me that would love to incorporate a whole subplot on the actual content of the queen's research. And one on Al's road building. And any other number of sort of random things that a large number of readers won't find nearly as interesting as I do... but I already have too many subplots that I haven't been able to do justice to quite yet. So we'll work on those first. Yep! Some of this is touched on in chapter 3, with Al's audience with the king. But I haven't found a good spot to introduce it in more depth early on. I definitely need to give her a better goal to be working toward from the start. I think her lack of political interest works better later when the conflict she's fighting against is clearer, but right now her frustration with Dad and her wanting to keep the family from being jerks to each other is mostly just a mild concern until things ramp up elsewhere. We shall see. I can definitely see this being the case. She's another one who I've been struggling to figure out how to present in the correct light (you know. Like most of the characters. whoops.). Ideally, she should come across as a concerned mother who's trying to ask Ali to be patient with her father because things are complicated right now. There should be more of an impression that Mom's not really thrilled about the decisions Dad's making either, and that she's also a little afraid of what it might mean for Is and that it's going to cause them all a lot of pain in the long run. But emotions are not my best thing. They're not even one of my alright things. I blame being an engineer. For whatever reason I instinctively feel like any emotive description at all is going to make characters come across as melodramatic (even though I know better), so it usually takes a couple passes of intentionally emotion-ifying sections to improve them. Unfortunately, when my go-to first-glance reader is also an engineer, that aspect of things usually requires a second opinion, which ends up being the readers here most of the time.

Her uncle's healer. He's mentioned by name in chapter 5, but it's definitely been a couple weeks. Hah. Fortunately G knows better than she does. Is's cousin. I thought that was mentioned in Ali's chapter, but I looked back and it's apparently not. *facepalm* Correct on the second point, though I'll have to go through that again and see if I can streamline it. I switched some things around in this one a little before submitting it, and it always takes a couple days of letting things sit before I can get a sense of conversation flow. Yes. Yes, it would. That's definitely one of the things I've realized I haven't made clear through this revision. It's there in my head, but isn't being called out enough to be clear to the reader. Because there are mages on the other side of the border. The rough geography of things is probably another place I've dropped the ball on this round of revisions. There aren't too many points that are vital to be aware of, but I've definitely neglected a few of the ones that are significant. Ugh. I mentioned some of this in the one message I sent, but this is definitely something I need to figure out how to portray a little better. Both here and leading into this chapter so that the details in this chapter come across with the emphasis they're supposed to. I have ideas for how to do this, but they won't really get incorporated until the next big revision, since I want to keep pressing forward for now. Thanks so much for the thoughts!

Can I have a spot for Monday?

Yeah. Exactly.

Overall: 1. I wouldn’t say that anything was boring or confusing, but there were a couple of suspension of disbelief issues I had. The main one being them finding a car that functions at all in the conditions that C was describing, and the second being the locating of a driver. I’d expect the first of those to be a far bigger problem than the latter. I mean. What is anyone going to run into out on the roads? It’s not like they have to drive all that fast until they figure it out. But finding one with a battery that has enough charge to get the motor actually running or figuring out how to jump the battery? Those seem like far larger problems for a bunch of kids to figure out. 2. Mostly. I really like E’s loyalty to his family and the conflict it creates about leaving, though would have liked to see slightly higher stakes there. Right now, I’d be convinced that E would be sad about leaving them, but that his parents may or may not even notice except that he won’t be able to make a proper sacrifice to the stove. I’d rather see some sign that they are in some way worthy of that loyalty, instead of the vague “yeah. He’s sad about it, but the grown-ups are evil” feeling I’m getting now. I also have no idea what to do with V at the moment… 3. I am on board for her to try it. I don’t know that that precludes it from being a terrible idea, but staying around to watch the town succumb to the curse seems far worse. So I think it makes sense as the best option they have. I will admit that GM’s idea from before of burning the whole place down maintains a place in my heart for the sole reason that I want to somehow feed the town into the stove to tear a hole in the fabric of reality or something. And apparently my brain is clinging to that spark of chaos today. Also, does A end up being their driver? Because that’s my guess. And I like the idea of dragging grandpa along for the crazy road trip. He also seems like a potential solution for the “getting one of the cars to work” problem, since he seems like he’d have the knowledge of how to get a car to work tucked away in his brain somewhere. As I read: Pg 2: “All of the maps” Is this still a connection T is going to make this quickly after her sacrifice? “That reminds C…” On one hand, I am glad to finally get my confirmation that V had something to do with the essay, even if it then brings up questions about the timing of sacrifices if it combined with something her parents had sacrificed a while before. However, I’m not sure this is the best place to put this. Or how T’s comments remind C of it. Pg 3: “She didn’t give the impression…” it might be good to have a dialogue tag on this. We get that V is saying the first line because he calls her hatchling, and C will be responding, but when E and T are both still right there, there’s a little ambiguity here about who’s talking. “tactically ignoring…” heh. Good call there. Pg 4: If they come to the conclusion of leaving A with people, I don’t think there needs to be quite as much discussion and thinking over it. I’m also surprised T doesn’t push back a little more, when that’s been her main job and she’s shown a pretty strong tendency toward needing to be the responsible one. “Are those D S’s skeleton keys?” I don’t think we need this question, when E just said they were is mom’s keys then explains them. Pg 5: “That’s useful…” Is this C? “strange, new kind of problem solving” C had never really struck me as being the one leading the friend group’s problem solving efforts, so her noting the others’ involvement like this seems a little odd. “V will be fine.” Not ominous at all…. Pg 6: Repetition of “if you can make it happen” What happened to “came to town to be a hero” V? Pg 7: The scene with V here feels a little out of place. I feel like 1. He’s leaving them to fend for themselves, and 2. That I should feel more betrayed about it. But I think this scene and the previous one where he’d flown off to find the edge messed with my idea of what his character is supposed to be, and I’m not 100% sure why we should be concerned about his absence other than the fact that C will miss him. “cumbersome and dangerous versions of bicycles.” Hah. Pg 8: Has anyone tried to burn the cars in the stove? Also, if these cars have been sitting there that long, they’re going to need more than fuel to get started. I can only imagine the condition the batteries would be in… I wouldn’t even expect the lights to come on. “rapping her knuckles” this sounds like a far gentler action than the make-it-work whack I’d imagine. Pg 9: “C thinks about the problem of E” I’d rather see the details of this paragraph spread among the dialogue that follows Pg 10: “E is suddenly shouting” what was he expressing building up to this? And how does C react to the sudden anger? “trying to talk me into…abandoning my home.” The guy does have a point. As does C in the following line. I like that this is a real conflict of loyalties, but I’d feel more of the tension if we’d gotten more indication of E’s parents’ love for him. He certainly believes it, but I haven’t seen that much sign of it from them, which makes it seem like poor E is just deluded and is better off going with C. Showing more of the family bond between E and his parents (even if it’s a little weird or twisted thanks to the stove) would really raise the stakes on this argument. Pg 11: “checks inside her sandwich” If C is concerned that T is no longer capable of making them edible sandwiches, that seems like something that should have been taken into consideration before giving her the task of lunch-making. T seems a little more easily confused, but not so much that this response from C seems feasible. Pg 12: Is V so much older than them that he seems like he’d be any better at driving? And really, what are they going to risk running into if E drives, if all that’s there is the road and the wasteland? Sidenote, I feel like GM would be all over driving them out of there. It feels like there’s a little overexplaining about what everyone is going to be doing at the end of pg 12. Pg 13: “…would only make sense.” If only I had a nickel for every time I’d had that thought….

I do definitely feel like there's part of Is's pov that I'm missing by starting at the tournament, since she goes straight from being annoyed with R to competition mode to the recovery struggle... I just haven't figured out a good way to include that missing piece before she gets poisoned. I think some of it comes out in chapter 8, but that's obviously about 7.5 chapters too late to be introducing engaging aspects of one of the main pov characters. I've been working on the best way to have this unfold, but some of it is intentionally vague at this point... I could probably have Is- include an example here along the lines of "You know how everyone says x happened? If you look over here at source y, written before the rebellion took place (and before the powers that be might have been trying to fudge the details for their own purposes), it would have made more sense for z." To provide a little more of what the common knowledge is and make sure it's getting the point across that the common knowledge is probably not accurate. Hmmmmm.... Yeah... I feel like I have a very short list of physical indicators for emotion... it's very slowly getting better, but still has a long way to go. Just be glad you didn't read super early versions *cringe* Not on purpose. Mostly her journaled thoughts on court gossip and day-to-day life just happened to be extremely valuable from a historical perspective when she was pretty thoroughly in the mix of things before it all went down. And for the big question: GAH! Man. Yeah. I have no idea why I didn't have him reacting to that line. I know I changed the emphasis of some things in the most recent version, and I can only think I must have gotten caught up in making sure I was cutting the extra names and unnecessary details, and lost track of what it would actually make sense for Al to respond to. Not sure how I managed to leave out the detail that his dad was a mage in this revision. I assume my brain just automatically went "oh. That will have been in the prologue you need to rewrite"... ugh. man. Keeping track of what is introduced when and to what extent is quite the challenge. And while it's mildly embarrassing to have the big slip-ups pointed out, it's very helpful. Thanks so much for your thoughts!

Hello, All! Back to Is- this week. I think my biggest question on this one is mostly how the character interactions feel. The usual questions: Any confusing/boring sections? Thoughts on characters? Points of interest or engagement? Thanks so much!

Wow. Quiet week. Hooray! Is this in reference to the first line on that page? He's only relatively non-intimidating in that he's more approachable than the king (this is a very low bar to stumble over). The next sentence should make it clear that he is still rather intimidating in his own right, but let me know if the comment isn't coming across clearly there. Dangit. Yeah. This is another thing that missed getting sandwiched into the new early chapters after the old ones got cut. I think it might have been briefly mentioned in chapter 2, but there was a lot going on there, so it's hard to say 1. if it was actually there, and 2. if it is too buried in other things for it to stick. It's entirely unrelated to Al's parents except that it resulted in the restrictions that were the partial cause of the accident that caused their deaths. The rebellion and said laws are also what have created a general animosity between many of the nobles and mages, and more specifically, caused most of the strife between the king's father and Al's parents, since Al's father was a Ket- weather mage, and Al's mom marrying him was sort of thumbing her nose at the old king's attempts to manipulate her. I think the key details at this point are that the rebellion took place 150-ish years before and that a sizeable percentage of the nobles and their relations were killed in the event, including the king and queen, leaving the throne to their daughter, Is-erre (who was 19-ish? I forget if I have that specified somewhere. She might just be referred to as young). This is when the magic restrictions came into existence, to prevent a more successful coup from the mages who survived the rebellion (especially during Is-erre's reign) and for general safety/security. Seems like that latter part you caught onto here: Beyond that, things will get revealed as the story continues, but I think that's what the reader should be aware of at this point. Mostly Al. They could probably mush the details about who was involved in the actual healing, but the type of poison would have people pointing fingers at Al (that's where the information that the poison came from the mountains near Ket- comes in), even if they didn't know he'd been involved in the rescue. Good. This is definitely one of the things she is best at, so it's good that that's coming across. When Is- and her dad are both practical to a point of harshness, I figure I need a pov calling them out for the damage it's causing the people they love. I think Ali- does that well (we'll see how that carries through). Her mother does that to a lesser extent, but the queen's response is definitely more tempered. She sees the things that Ali sees, but has been part of the political machine for long enough to know that some of it is unavoidable without risking upsetting the balances of the court tensions. And she has been married to V long enough to get an idea of what's actually going on in his head, so she's more sympathetic to his opinion than Ali is. She isn't a primary character, but I'll have to see what I can do to help with the feeling of blandness. I can see where the restraint that has come with age and experience would definitely push toward blandness in this case. Maybe hanging a lantern on her remembering how fired up she'd been about those sorts of things during her early years as queen. Or something...hmmmmm... Thanks so much!

Spot for tomorrow? Edit: Monday. Because who even knows what time is anymore?