C_Vallion

I knew I'd forgotten something in my explanation thing. I do want to have a prologue, likely one oriented in the same events as the previous one, but I need to do some good, hard thinking about what needs to be in there. I'm hoping that questions brought up while subbing through Part 1 without it will help me figure out what angle I want to approach it from, and I'll probably start it from scratch, possibly from some other PoV (sorry, new readers! You're the guinea pigs here.). I think the most obvious thing it would provide for this opening chapter is some background on why Al- hasn't been at court before, and why the royal family has some ground to make up if they are trying to be friendly. Some of that is answered in the next couple chapters, but I don't want to fall into my usual trap of ruining the pacing with info dumps. That might help this opening be less...boring... but really, I'd like to find an all-around stronger option, prologue or not. And if there is a prologue, I'd probably like to echo some idea from that in the opening lines. I think at the moment my brain is still too locked into the rough outlines of how it looked when this was Chapter 9 or whatever, so in my head the scene starts walking into the tournament ground. A tournament that's supposed to be part of the sister's birthday festivities that have brought everyone into the capital. Looking back, the birthday was mentioned in passing, but absolutely nothing else was. Will make a note to add in a line there for that context. It was mentioned in passing on the way out of the tent as she was going to warm up. I'd had a few paragraphs summarizing an earlier match that more clearly explained the dyes and matches, but it is gone now because word count. @Snakenaps read that version. I'll have to see if she has thoughts on one version vs the other in regard to whether the pacing can afford the extra paragraphs. Hooray! Usually I'm as bad at those as I am at opening lines Also glad most of the other things seem to be working better than they did previously. Though there's definitely more ironing out to do. Thanks!

Yeah. I definitely need to find a better hook here. Seems like a lot of this still needs trimming/refining, then. And probably less of me trying to be clever by scattering clues about the source of their conflict and just getting straight to the point (that she's afraid he'll screw up badly enough that they'll revoke his title). This is brought in through the next couple chapters. You'll have to let me know then if it seems like we need more of it earlier. I thoughts I'd clarified this more, but it might have gotten trimmed back... it's basically the nickname he used for her when they were kids that he pulls out when he's trying to be intentionally obnoxious. But the cultural/world building/family conflict implication subtleties of it are entirely lost here, so I need to figure out how to deal with it. This is mentioned on the first page, but I'll have to go back and make sure it's not bogged down by other information. Hooray! None of this was clear enough in the previous version, so it's good that it's coming across better now. Good to have confirmation that the repetition of the smell is doing its job. These things were all far worse in previous versions, and while I think there are some improvements, it's good to know that there is still work that needs to be done there. Thanks!!

1) Do the characters and their actions make sense? I think so. Mom’s stepping in definitely blindsided me, but I think her explanation that now the men don’t have anything to fight over makes a certain motivational sense. 2) Do you feel that the plot is moving at an OK pace? For the most part. I think my biggest challenge with the pacing of the overall plot is not knowing what the goal looks like for them or how far out it is. So while there’s a feeling of more being revealed and things moving forward, I don’t have a good sense of how much farther we have to go or what needs to happen in that time. Which makes it hard to know how quickly things should be moving. 3) At the end of the chapter, do you feel like you’re starting to have an idea of what’s going on with the Wood Stove? Definitely starting to get a clearer idea. I don’t know how clear of an idea we’re supposed to have at this point, and what’s still supposed to be vague understandings, but the scene here definitely provides a clear indication of the sort of thing the wood stove is capable of. Pg 1: “the dog which belongs to JJ…” the clause here is a little wordy. Ten points for excellent dog names, though. Pg 2: “He is a very confused dog.” Aww, poor confused boy. “no amount of squaring…” hah. Pg 3: Oh. Well then. That was unexpected. But … puppers. “C isn’t sure whether that would be okay either, so she cries harder.” Man. That’s relatable. Pg 4: I like the “ball of leaky misery” description. I also like that we get more of V’s goals are. Pg 5: “It’s important to be practical…think about it too hard” and “bad smells that have a good purpose.” I like C a lot. She comes across as a little naïve at times, but I think that fits her sort of optimistic practicality, which I really like, even if she’s not always the most direct or active. I know a lot of that is my preference though, and that most readers are likely going to prefer a more active protagonist. So I don’t know what that balance is. Pg 6: “I’m going to burn some things…I want to see what happens.” The best sort of science. Pg 7: C’s energy transfer thing here is confusing to me. I am assuming it’s not supposed to be entirely clear what’s going on, but I think it needs a few more grounding details to get an idea of whether this is a mental, physical, or magical thing (or something else entirely). And maybe a better idea of what is triggering it. Is it only off-balance feeling of the previous paragraph or two that she’s dealing with? Or does it stretch farther back? We go from grabbing the mop with the intent to burn it to the twitchiness to thoughts about the curse to feeling off balance to this magic/energy/something transfer moment. So my mind had been going back to the mop and trying to figure out what was so special about that. Is it her challenging of the curse that brings on this twitchiness? Not having seen it before, I think we need a little more context with what is going on here, even if it is supposed to (to some extent) be left a little mysterious here. Pg 8: “That sounds excellent to C” Hah. Pg 9: I like our strange new friend. The loss of J is partly forgiven. I hadn't really gotten the impression that C is a farm girl. I have a number of friends who have chickens just for eggs, then send them out for processing once they're done laying. So this didn't seem all that surprising (though it probably doesn't need to be as detailed)

Hello, All! Price of Peace is back, and hopefully better than ever. And hopefully I’ve learned enough about the process of submitting through a story by now to not frustrate us all this time. Content tags for Chapter 1: Mild Language, mild violence (there’s a swordfight?), mild gore (wound and pain descriptions) Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated. Questions for reading: How are the first impressions of Is’s character and motivations this time through? How about emotional tie-in? Are there places that could use obvious trimming or that go on too long? Is it clear that something significant is wrong in the events following the match? If so, when does that click, and does it need to be clearer/earlier? Thanks!

Can I jump in for a spot this Monday?

The others have mentioned this as well, but having everything in one document is a lot easier to look at than trying to figure out what order things go in. 59th of Winter: The general level of language and gore is not my usual cup of tea, especially at an opening. I don’t mind it if I’m invested in the characters and their goals, but since I usually reach for fantasy because the real world is dark and depressing enough, it can really keep me from being engaged with the characters at the start. Pg 1: A couple of odd sentence breaks in the first paragraph. A fragment here or there for pacing or emphasis is fine, but in the second sentence, it just seems jarring. And the third sentence should be split into two. “No pity…looks.” I’m not sure what this is supposed to be saying. “…the group of traitors…” should T also be referring to them as traitors in his narrative? The main sympathy I have for him at the moment is that he’s trying to go rescue his friends, but I have to assume they’re the ones I should be rooting for, and at the moment I don’t have a good reason to want one side or the other to succeed. Pg 2: “…for them to be this dense.” So how’d our friends get caught in the first place? “They were in worse shape than they looked.” If they can’t do anything to help here, how do they expect to get away without getting caught and killed along the way? The more gory murder I see from T without any understanding of what the knights are being tortured and hanged for or what horrible things the guards have done, the less sympathetic I am to him. And I didn’t know enough about him to be all that sympathetic from the start... Pg 3: “…only a few minutes...we need to disappear…” A bunch of horribly tortured prisoners seem like they would be difficult to hide in a crowd. Especially if they need to be able to move quickly. 60th of Winter: (based on your age explanation in the e-mail) P seems far more coherent and introspective than a five year old should be. And the thought of either of them understanding what a charge of treason means, or anything else of what the councilman says, is a big stretch. Especially after having undergone something so traumatic. There’s just far too much reasoning and processing and understanding of what’s going on for me to buy the age. I’d expect them to be closer to mid-teens at least for the strings of thought here. And even then, I’d expect a lot more flat out terror. The kids are more sympathetic than T was, since it’s easy enough to assume they aren’t at fault and that they are being wronged here, so you want them to get away safe. And I think that would hold if they were old enough here to make the rest of it more feasible. If they want to finish off the family, what’s stopping them from quietly doing away with two children. What benefit do they think a farcical trial and public execution of two children is going to achieve? Is there anyone standing in the kids’ defense who they have to appease? There are a lot of names being thrown around and a lot of people saying things that I don’t have good reference points for. If we are focusing on the kids’ motivations, focusing in on the specific things they are afraid of and how they think they can fix it seems like it’s going to be a stronger approach. Right now there’s a lot of information that isn’t directly relevant to their motivations that is getting in the way of things being engaging. I think it provides a clear reason for them wanting to find the knights, which is great, but I don’t know enough about where the full story is going to know if it would work better as a prologue or as a flashback later. The Last Day: I just really can’t tie enough things together here to make much sense of it. I think cryptic scenes need a more solid throughline to ground the reader in what they can know so that they are curious about what they don’t know. But without that, I mostly felt lost. I like puzzles and stringing together vague hints in stories. But I need something to suggest what pieces I need to hang on to for later and what pieces I can let slide, and I had a hard time doing that here. There’s a guy and a sword and a goddess. But I don’t know what else I’m supposed to try to keep in my head.

Definitely for the best, though. Hoping to start resubmitting this coming week or the following, so we'll see how many of the old problems the new starting point fixes. And you'll likely get to throw some of my critique points back at me

Sounds like the same thing I was dealing with in January and February. Except it made more sense in my case to just cut all of the early stuff out. So, goodbye, 20k words.

Overall: I’m really excited to finally see the start of this after jumping in in the middle last time around. I really enjoyed it, and continue to love the world and setting as well as this introduction to the characters. 1. I would definitely keep reading. The political argument at the end was a little longer than I would have liked, but I love the world and setting and always enjoy stories about complicated family dynamics. 2. I would say that Goals, Obstacles and stakes are definitely there, though they aren’t super well defined from Ir’s side. I think we get enough general sense of her wanting life to get back to some sense of normal and safety, but we haven’t gotten a good idea that she knows what that picture actually looks like at this point, since goals of “surviving” and “hoping S doesn’t get herself killed” don’t provide a really clear actionable path. Which is fine for me until we hit the inciting incident, but I am more patient at the start of books than most. That being said, the circumstances here and the threat they pose to family cohesion seem quite realistic. 3. I definitely see a lot of setup for the BK vs. Revolutionaries conflict being central, with S being solidly on one side and Ir being relatively neutral bringing that conflict into the family. Pg 1: I like the opening line a lot. “…both diverse in their species …” -> “…diverse in both their species and in their culture…” possibly. It seems a little off as is. The idea of a former mentor seems odd to me here. Even if C’s not as formally responsible for Ir as she might have been before, I would still see their relationship as a continuing mentorship. Even if they’re also friends and something closer to equals at this point. “Her mouth flattened into a firm line…” I assume this is referring to Ir, but the previous sentence is talking about C, so the pronoun reference isn’t 100% clear. “stared at each other in worry.” The phrasing of this is a little funny to me. Pg 2: The description of the restaurant could be clearer. Pg 3-4: Making it clearer that she didn’t find any tuna would be helpful. I wasn’t sure if she was still looking or had noted that it wasn’t there and moved on. Pg 5: “Despite the long trek…” The two parts of this sentence feel a little repetitive. And while I’m mostly getting that she doesn’t mind the walk because it’s some quiet before walking into a noisy home environment, the tie between those two sentences isn’t as clear as it probably should be. There are a lot of names and locations to absorb. I remembered them from the previous reading, but I think they would have been confusing read here the first time through. Pg 7-12 While I think the discussion here gives us a clear idea of the specific things that are making the people angry, which does a good job clarifying both Ir and S’s perspectives and goals and the stakes on either side, it is a lot really quick when there are a lot of new places and names and ideas to be trying to put in order in our heads. There’s the obvious challenge of trimming it back to make it a little more digestible, when it will lose some of the depth to the motivations, but it might be less overwhelming to move a little more in that direction. Pg 8: “BK could be just as bad as…” vs. “Not as bad as he could be?” in the next paragraph. It seems like S is supposed to be echoing what Ir had said, but the wording is too different for that to come across. And I’m not sure if Ir is saying that BK might “let the rich run lawless” or if she is suggesting that they all “let the rich run lawless.” I don’t quite know what she’s saying there. Pg 10: “Are you mundane?” Hah. I enjoy world-relevant insults. “…glittering with fear” It definitely seems like the sort of thing that could just be personal preference, but there are a number of “___ with *emotion*” that have caught me as sounding off. I guess ideally, the action would express the emotion clear enough to make the emotion descriptor unnecessary, but that’s obviously not always going to be possible…maybe I just caught it once and now I’m hyperaware of it, but it might be worth looking at. Pg 12: If Ir and S had been this close previously, I’d expect more excitement from Ir at seeing her when she first gets home. Confusion and worry that something was wrong, yeah, but more showing that “S had always been her closest friend” even if they’ve grown apart a little bit. I didn’t get the feeling of closeness at that introduction that I’d expect based on the description here.

Overall: 1. I really like the revisions made to this. I think it’s a much better version. There’s still a good deal of weirdness to the town that C accepts as normal, which (in my opinion) is a good thing, but we get a much clearer distinction between what is “normal for C” and what is “probably the curse”. At least from C’s perspective, which is the important thing. 2. I didn’t have as many issues with C herself as some others did previously (I’m more willing to accept passive observation in characters than most readers, as long as there are interesting things going on) but I have a feeling this version of her is going to work for a far wider audience. 3. This is definitely a stronger hook for the start, since we have a clearer idea of both what C thinks the curse looks like and the fact that she plans to get to the bottom of it. Even if we don’t know what that looks like yet. 4. A few little things mentioned below, but you made a ton of improvement on the bigger things I was having trouble with the first time through. Looking forward to seeing the additional updates going forward! Pg 1: “She steps over the line.” This already sets us up for a more active version of C. Pg 2: The descriptions of the friends here gives us a clearer picture of their personalities than I remember getting before. Specifically for T. I glanced at the old chapter to see whether that was likely due to changes or just greater familiarity with the characters, and I think it’s the needing to prove she isn’t afraid that makes it stick more this time. “going to find out whether or not the curse is real” and “I’m going to prove it” are saying the same thing as far as I can tell. Pg 3: I didn’t mind C’s quiet observation of things around her before, but she is definitely more engaging here. Pg 5-7 The school scene flows better this time. I like introducing GM slightly later than E and T, but I think if this was the first time reading it, I might have had a “wait…have we met her yet?” moment when she’s mentioned. Might be worth adding a line of description there as a sort of signal to the reader that it’s a new person. Though it’s also possible I’m overthinking that, so maybe see if it jumps out at anyone else. Page 8 I’m not sure if we need the scene break line, since we end one scene with her getting to the house and starting the next with having just gotten home. “heated primarily by wood stoves” missing an s there. This introduction of the Wood Stove works better than last time, since it justifies the capitalization right away. Pg 9: “Her father emerges from the kitchen, laden with food.” I’m not sure how to picture this. I don’t have too much problem with assuming the description of her dad is pretty literal, but the idea of him carrying food clashes with that, since limbs clash with the spherical description.

I know exactly how this feels, and struggle with it a lot in my own stuff. It can be a lot of work, and sometimes really frustrating to try to find that balance, but it will get there in time. Keep at it!

I like this chapter as well, though I agree with the thoughts about cutting the first part of this back. There’s a little more wordiness and repetition in some of the dialogue than I’ve seen in previous chapters, but I expect a lot of that comes from multiple rewrites and the stress editing. “There are twelve of us total…the way she holds herself” This sentence could be reworded for clarity. It took a couple readings to get what it was saying. Some of the conversation between B and W on 4-7 seemed a little stilted. And a little more direct than I would expect from W. But that could just be because I relate to a lot of aspects of her character and am incorrectly assuming she would approach such circumstances the same way I would. Especially when she starts getting uncomfortable about the things B is saying. Some of this might also just be a need to revise the dialogue after stepping away from it for a couple days. Not sure what all the stress editing you'd mentioned was focusing on. I really love W’s beach-exploring-introversion. Definitely a far better use of time than hanging out with popular kids, if I do say so myself. I had similar feelings about the conversation between E and W. Like that the conversations are more bluntly personal than W should be comfortable with. I’d expect the history between E and W to allow more personal detail, but would then expect her to have some concept of his family dynamic already. She just doesn’t seem thrown off or surprised by B’s mentioning of “literal murder” or E’s “He tolerates me for reasons other than love.” I am really glad to see the concept of magic being officially brought into the picture, but E introducing it so bluntly when he and W have been at odds seems a little strange to me. I’d expect E to be more concerned about having W laugh in his face at the concept. “Nobody’s going to find out if I tell you” implies that his main concern is confidentiality, but I feel like there should be more sense of “Now, this is probably going to sound ridiculous…” if E thinks there’s anything behind the idea of searching for magic, or more of a “This is ridiculous, and maybe grandpa’s mind is starting to go…” W is obviously shocked by the mention of magic, but I don’t get a good sense of what E thinks of it. I really like that they work through some of their differences here, but I think it would make more sense for the mention of grandpa’s interest in magic to come after there’s been some of that restoration of trust. Feel free to ignore the random idea, but it might make sense for that discussion to be sparked by the discussion of W’s mom’s illness. If E thinks there’s something to the idea of magic (if he’s been hanging out with N, I assume he knows things we don’t), maybe he brings it up there as a sort of “I know this might seem like nonsense, but grandpa is looking for magic. And maybe it could turn up something that could help her.” I love the “aggressively understanding” phrase regarding N’s reaction to being turned down. It pretty much perfectly fits both the image I have in my head of N and the reaction that I’d expect W to have to him.

Thanks, All! Agreed. And I think this is another issue where the length of the first scene is causing trouble. And introducing some of that closer to the front (while shortening the first scene) is probably also going to help a little with the disconnect between the first and second scenes. Huh. Nope. Missed that. Which is a little surprising, since I usually overthink name origins and associations far too much. I'm still trying to figure out the balance on this. I do want there to be a feeling V knows things the reader doesn't (why do I always do this to myself?), and that things aren't as straightforward as "The Z are the enemy. Holding them off until reinforcements arrive is the best choice to save the town". But right now I don't think there are enough known details to provide the right contrast. I do think some of that will be clearer if I can do a better job early on of introducing world-building details about the significance and stakes of our mech-sabotaging mission. Going to try to get that nailed down better when I do a revision on this one. M's story here is that they need to continue to push back until reinforcements arrive (in actuality, he's stalling to pick a strategic time to "surrender", get K and the boys back, and get the heck out of there). But I think the reinforcements detail got dropped in the opening of their conversation when I switched some things around. And is probably not stressed in the mech sabotage scene as what they think they're achieving by destroying a couple mechs. Ultimately, V should be placing a lot more hope in the idea of the reinforcements at the beginning. He might not want anything to do with the inner cities, but if that's the only way they're going to survive, he's willing to rely on those soldiers to come and protect the little border town they've claimed. Even if it's just to stabilize the weak point of the pass and they don't actually care. Some of that is given in the conversation between M and V, but there's no reason for it to all be there when some of the motivational details are more important to have up front. A lot of this is what I'll be trying to do when I get to revisions on this. Some of the details introduced in the conversation between M and V probably need to be at the front to clarify the setting, the purpose and stakes of the mech mission, etc. Which then (in theory) should clean up some of the roundabout aspects of the conversation scene and give the reader a better idea of what's going on (or what they should think is going on) going in to that scene. Hah. Yeah. I went back and forth a little on this as well, because it is a sudden jump at the moment. I would like to give a little more detail on where he was between scenes, just so that it's not as jarring, but I haven't figured out if there's a good way to do that without losing some of the tension surrounding what V may or may not know in the second scene. Most specifically, I haven't figured out a way to do it while conveniently neglecting what he finds out about his nephews and K while there. And I am too attached to the "are they dead or not? Huh? Well are they?" ambiguity to abandon it quite yet I'll probably check in on what makes sense in that direction once I've streamlined the other things a little better. Thanks so much, everyone! Working on Price of Peace revisions now, to hopefully start submitting through that again in a couple weeks, but all of the thoughts here will be really helpful for when I pull this off the backburner to clean it up.

Overall: I liked this chapter. There are still things that need to be ironed out in regard to what the reader needs to know about the setting: What things should we be suspicious of, and what should we just accept with a shrug and carry on? The characters make sense, and I like the contrast between C and T. I didn’t quite get C’s theory that A is under the effects of the curse like she thinks she is, when it seems like just about anyone could fit that category. I don’t have a clear enough picture of what she thinks is an indicator of being cursed and what she thinks is just part of life in town. And I’m not sure what makes A stand out other than his saying he’d been somewhere else. In which case it seems odd that she’d compare her circumstances to his. No tone issues that I noticed. Pg 1: “…held together by crude stitches and fraying pride.” I really like that line. “Every Friday, C helps T…” This and what follows sort of surprised me, since I hadn’t gotten the impression that C was all that close to the other kids. Even if they’re not super close, it might be helpful to get a clearer hint early on that C and T get along better than C does with the others. “I didn’t know they came in green.” Hah. Pg 2: I’m still getting used to reading present tense, so it might just be my brain trying to change things that it’s not used to, but I think it might make a few spots a little smoother by changing “…are *verb*ing…” phrases to just “…*verb*…”. “Stray cats are nesting in a few of them” -> “Stray cats nest in a few of them.” “…so close to the television that his knees are touching the stand” -> “…so close to the television that his knees touch the stand.” Pg 3: “They don’t know whether he is aware of this.” Isn’t “whether” always supposed to have an “or” connected to it? Or is that just my habit? The “or not” is sort of implied, but I wonder if it should be “if” instead of “whether” here. “It hadn’t crossed her mind…” I don’t see the connection between “if A really had left town” and him being under the same curse as C. If anything, I would think that would draw greater distinctions between them, if she and most of the others in the town (who she hasn’t had this thought about) haven’t left the town but he has. Why would it be something that she has in common with him that she doesn’t have in common with the others? “Is C going to end up like him?” Not sure what “like him” means. Other than the disintegrating into the chair (which seems to fit a world where C’s parents look like a bowling ball and skeleton), I’d assumed that his rambling about the past had just been age-related. And while wondering if she’ll be like that when she’s old makes sense to some extent (depending on how people actually age here), she seems to directly associate it with the curse. “…some of the ice that builds up in the freezer…” This should be “had built up” since even in present tense, the ice would have built up before she’s scraping it. Similarly, “A- has drifted” should probably be “had drifted” I think, since the drifting into the story had occurred while T was doing things in the kitchen, and in the “now” (when the kitchen things have been done) he is already in the story. About his youth. Pg 4: “V…is standing at the front door.” Similar to the “are *verb*ing” comments above. Should this be “V…stands at the front door.”? I’m sure there are reasons to go one way or the other on both of these, but I haven’t worked with present tense enough to have thought about it extensively, so I’m just going by general feel. “…not enough to confirm or disprove her theory.” What theory? Just that A- might be telling the truth about his experiences outside the town? “…those windows.” What windows? I know the barn is mentioned right after, but it hadn’t been mentioned before now, and since we’re inside, “gesturing towards a barn” isn’t giving me a good sense of the physical layout. I’m not sure when in the discussion C actually goes outside, but the visual description should come after that. I’m also not sure what “normal barn” implies. Since my instinctive thought was “barns have windows?” But apparently that comes from living in an area where a bunch of old houses have old windowless barns attached to them. And where it gets cold enough that putting any holes in your walls, even to let light in, isn’t worth it from a keeping-whatever’s-inside-from-freezing perspective. I feel like this probably isn’t as big a deal as my mind is making it, but it was a sticking point, so I wanted to mention it. Pg 5: “T agrees and thinks for a few moments.” Tense error. “somebody needs to be the skeptical one.” I wouldn’t expect that to be C based on what I’ve seen from her so far. Pg 6: “…one more piece of evidence for her theory…” is it, though? If they’d just said it couldn’t have flown in without someone noticing? Pg 8: “And now that T thinks of it, C has always been…” The “And” here suggests it’s a continuation of the previous thought, but the contrast of C’s helpfulness with her being “twitchy and weird” doesn’t quite follow that. I like the contrast here between what we’ve seen of C’s character and what we now see of T’s. Where T is more responsive to the things she sees as strange and needing solved than C was. I really like the last line. Definitely makes me want to continue on from here.

Hah! I wondered how evident it would be to someone who was familiar with the game. Since the first time we played it, my husband and I have been fascinated by the storytelling potential of the setting. Especially with the often-amusing vague implications of stories behind the event cards. Sounds more reliable than 'being from an area where the first day of deer season is basically a holiday' and the related family traditions. All of your information here was super helpful. I was thinking the Luger, actually. Though I am about 90% sure the site I'd found listing the standard WWI pistols for various countries said it was a 7-round magazine. And, of course, I can't find said site again because I don't know what magical combination of search terms led me there. So I have no idea if I severely misremembered or if I happened to stumble across a spot on the internet where something was wrong *gasp*. It also mentioned another manufacturer that would have been more likely for Romania, but I couldn't find specs on it listed anywhere, so I pretended I never saw it... Either way. None of the above misguided internet searching makes up for forgetting the round in the chamber in-story. I wasn't thinking about that aspect of wanting to maximize the number of rounds. Probably also a result of most firearm habits coming from target shooting at camp and hunter safety training, where the risk of a chambered round accidentally discharging isn't worth the extra target shot. We generally also keep the magazine one short, since the spring is stiff enough that it's a pain to fully load. Though the internet tells me that's a pretty standard practice to protect springs? I assume that's mostly when the magazines are being stored loaded? The engineering side of my brain is now going to spend far too much time this evening wondering about the most likely conditions for magazine spring failure. But I digress. Fair. I was thinking more as emergency back-up. If he's carrying a rifle while hunting, that's obviously going to be the primary choice. But I'd imagine having a holstered pistol at-hand would still be safer and more effective than if the rifle has been shouldered and needs to be brought around to shoot or if it's a one-shot rifle and needs to be reloaded or if surprised when camped when a bulkier firearm might have been set aside. I imagine a close range pistol shot still being better than being mauled by a bear while trying to wrestle with a shoulder strap on a rifle. This sounds like a really excellent fit for this. Thanks!

Did anyone have thoughts on the length of the piece as it is now? I'd tried to keep it as trimmed back as possible (still need to cut a name or two if I can) based on the wordcount limit for submissions here, but that definitely reduced the worldbuilding and setting description to some extent, and probably didn't help the general clarity of some of the scene two conversation. Did any of you have thoughts on the current length and whether it can afford the additional explanation and description without feeling too long? Hooray! Improvement! Thanks, all! Huh. This is actually not an aspect I'd even thought much about for whatever reason. I'll definitely have to figure out a better way to tie things together over this transition. I expected there to be issues on this front, and appreciate the notes of what things are still confusing. It's always tricky to keep track of what things the reader definitely knows, what they should think, and what is actually going on at any given time. And while I love the moments of when those puzzles work out in a reveal, it's one of the things I always need input on to know how it comes across to a first-time reader. This should be coming across better, but I apparently need to fix some things regarding his thought process. There is definitely some crazed desperation going on that is interfering, but it should come across more as a combination of wanting to save his family and improve their quality of life by achieving citizenship in the process. I'd trimmed some of the conversation back for word count purposes. I'll have to see if some of that was lost there or if it was missing altogether. This is one of the other things I expected might be clear enough. I'm realizing I didn't do a good job of clarifying what V had been told by the Z and what he figures out on his own, and what is there about that comes in a little too late when the reader has already made assumptions. Ultimately, it's not that the Z set everything up. They'd been planning to send a messenger to M with the ultimatum of "give up the town or we move in anyway" but changed plans to put the matter in V's hands. They want the town turned over. All they know about what M is up to is what K has told them, and she doesn't know anything. So V is sent to have the town handed over, by whatever means necessary. Or they move in. V goes in partly hoping there's some big misunderstanding and partly assuming that he'll be able to convince M to surrender. It's only when he realizes that M has very intentionally betrayed the town and has put K at risk in the process that he wants M gone. He's willing to send him off to deal with the repercussions of his choices, but when M isn't willing to give up the ring, he gets desperate. The Z kick things of by putting all the pressure on V (implying that K and company are at risk if he fails to get them the town), but they aren't doing the plotting themselves. But I can definitely see that it's not clear what information and pressure is coming from where. It is his brother-in-law, not his brother (I assume there being more references to nephews than to a sister and brother-in-law probably make that less clear). So while they have a history, V's loyalty to his sister, and the risk M has put K and the kids draws clear lines for V. I wondered if this might flush out the firearms experts in the group Correct on the rough pistol specs. I'm picturing this to be a roughly WWI time period, though not associated with any specific real world place or conflict at this point. The pistol would have come from V's fur trading with the the Z, for defense during hunting trips where managing a rifle around a charging bear might get complicated. P's rifle would have probably been older. Some sort of hand-me-down from a parent or grandparent. I will admit that I neglected my research there in regard to rifles. I was mostly picturing my grandfather's single shot .22, and had assumed something along those lines would be more common outside military weaponry. But that could very well be entirely wrong. I'd definitely appreciate your thoughts on what might be fitting for basic farm defense at the time. If I ever follow through on the vague ideas for turning the whole thing into some very loose adaptation of a dieselpunk Hamlet (sorry, Vi. You do probably don't deserve to get away entirely clean from this...) so that my husband can make an audiodrama of it, I will have to figure that out. As it is, I might have intentionally avoided that question. The setting (both the general concept of having mechs stomping through otherwise cheery pastoral settings and the rough time period) takes a ton of inspiration from the artwork Jakub Rozalski has done for the Scythe board game and the Iron Harvest video game. https://iron-harvest.fandom.com/wiki/Rusviet_Art . Though the mechs here aren't based on a specific one of those (most of those would be closer to the bigger war mechs that would be threatening to move in later). Something like this is probably the closest to what I was picturing size/style-wise. (https://cdnb.artstation.com/p/assets/images/images/000/491/487/4k/jakub-rozalski-1920-youshallnotpass-new.jpg?1443927757) I'm hoping to add in a little more to flesh out the mech design and dieselpunk feel of the setting (really, I'm not sure that's quite the right description, but it's the closest recognizable genre I could think of). Especially if general perception is that the word count isn't a problem at the moment and can afford some additional length adding to the world building. I still need to figure out how to avoid implying a specific historical conflict with the language. The right answer is probably to make up a few phrases of a language that is close enough to what's common in the region to fit the setting, and to run it past a friend who is a linguistics professor. But I wanted to see how this came across for the early draft. Thanks so much, all!

Initial thought before reading: I’m probably the exception among the group in that I don’t really enjoy long battle scenes. I tend to skim them in most books. Obviously won’t be doing that here, but it will likely color my perception of the chapter overall, and I would weigh others’ opinions on specific battle-related details over mine. Overall thoughts after reading: I agree that the fight is too long overall, though I would probably think that even if everyone else thought it was perfectly fine, just because of general reading preferences. I’m still really excited about the setting and airships and want to see what adventures C is going to be going on from here, but it is a little frustrating to be this far into the story and still not have the attachment to the MC that I would like. At the moment, I don’t care enough about C to be concerned about how the battle goes, and never really felt like they were in real danger through it. The moment the first exchange had destroyed most of the enemy soldiers, I wasn’t afraid that the Good Guys were going to come to any harm. And being in C’s perspective didn’t help since he wasn’t as actively involved with the fighting. If we were seeing the battle through V’s eyes, I might be more concerned, because I’m more invested in him at this point, and he was more active in the battle. But I still don’t think it has as much tension as it could if there was a real threat of something going wrong. Action is good, and it feels more is happening than in other chapters, but I still don’t have a good idea of what direction the story is going. Which is a problem at 10k words (feel free to turn this specific comment right back at me in a couple weeks when I’m back to submitting chapters for PoP and am wrestling with opening chapter issues). The fact that I’m not generally as excited about battles meant that I also probably focused on more little nitpicky things than most people would, and there were a number of things that stuck out as making it difficult to suspend disbelief (they’re noted below) 1. The sword/axe thing was probably the single biggest thing that seemed over the top, especially because I don’t get the practicality of it. The two maneuvers at the end with the coal mine and the bridge could probably be close to that line, but I think would be fine and a lot of fun with details worked out 2. I think the whole chapter is probably too long, but my opinion beyond that is probably not helpful since I almost always think battle scenes are too long. 3. I think V is the main one who we get any additional characterization from. The reveal on Sa is interesting, and I’m looking forward to figuring out more about what’s going on there, but I don’t know that I know any more about his character, per se. Just what he is. Sort of. Most importantly we didn’t get anything additional on C, since he seemed to just be along for the ride for most of the chapter. Pg 1: “I will do no such thing.” This seems like a good way to suggest that you have things to hide. “Captain V’s eyes turned defiant” Might one say bravely defiant? Hmmmm? Pg 2: “You’re no foreigner.” I’m still a little confused as to why V had C stick around if he’s then going to try to keep any of the navy men from interacting with him. Pg 3-4 “Enough time for-?”, “What-?” (Also “Let us be frank here – this ‘search’…” from pg 2): I only recently had this pointed out to me (from someone on RE, but I can’t think of who. If whoever it was comes across this, Thanks!). The sentence break punctuation for these should be an em-dash, not a hyphen. If you’re using Word, the keyboard shortcut is Alt + 0151 for an em-dash. If you’re not using Word, I’m sure a quick search could get you the right keyboard shortcut for it. “You allowed us to board based on that…?” The ellipses imply he’s trailing off, but this seems like a complete thought, so I’m not sure they’re necessary. “…but even still,” I think this should be either “but still,” or “but even so,”. Likely the latter. There’s also another en-dash that should be an em-dash there, but I’ll stop pointing those out from here. Just need to do a find/replace for hyphens and en-dashes. When did C get a long knife? Did we know he was armed and I just missed it? How is he keeping track of the guy’s sword (knife? It’s unclear what weapon is being thrusted) while flipping him over his shoulder? Seems like a good way to get one or both of them accidentally stabbed. Also, the last place I’d want an unknown armed opponent is behind me. Even for the time it takes to turn to engage again (also, isn’t turning to slash at the man’s arm — at which point, why slash the arm instead of just killing him? — going to turn his back to the other armed soldiers?). Why not just slash/stab him from the front instead of adding a throw that exposes his back to his opponents? Pg 5: I was pretty sure daggers and long knives were definitively different. I’d have to confirm, but the impression I had is that a dagger is defined by being double-edged and a knife is defined by being single-edged. But C’s is referred to by both terms here. “B and V were trading blows with each other…” with each other is understood. The sentence comparing B’s and V’s fighting styles slows things down a little and doesn’t seem necessary. “Reinforcements” Okay. You mentioned having a half-dozen royal navy guys after the initial exchange. So what are V’s crew doing now? They cut down a bunch of the enemy in the first moments. Are all of them actively engaged with the remaining people? Did none of them see the lines and have the initiative to cut them? If they’re used to this sort of battling, I’d assume someone would be manning the crane and keeping an eye out for this sort of thing at all times. Either way, it seems odd for C to be the one to notice it. And it seems odd for V to be both in the midst of the center spotlight fight and trying to command people elsewhere on the ship. It divides his attention and puts him at a lot of risk. “the lines weren’t even caught in it” What are the lines made of? Are they just rope? If airship battles are a regular thing, and methods of attack are similar, I’d assume that both sides would expect certain attack and defense mechanisms. And for any cast-on lines to be reliable, I’d expect them to include some sort of metal cabling for these sorts of applications. Rope is all well and good for ocean-ship-boarding maneuvers, but I’d think the force rating for rope would make it really risky to use between airships. And if it’s metal cabling, I have trouble imagining a crane powerful enough or blade sharp enough to cut through them that easily. It seems to take B a conveniently long time to recover and return while V is giving orders. Pg 6: What is C doing while all this is going on? He is part of the initial attack, but seems to be standing around after that. I don’t have a clear image of what V’s sword is doing. If the blade extends and what he needs is extra reach, why go into pickaxe-mode, which reduces the reach by the length that’s folded over (for lack of a better term). Moving parts and hinges also seem like really problematic failure points from a force distribution perspective. “…impaled through the chest…” this wording, to me, implies stabbing, but the pickaxe idea implies slicing. So I’m not sure what to picture here. Pg 7: “stabbed his pickaxe in the deck” This seems like unwise weapon-care. For this weapon in particular. The amount of force that’s going to take is not going to be very kindly absorbed at the hinge-point. Still unsure why C is still on deck through this if he’s standing around. This chapter seems like it would make more sense to be from V’s perspective. Or to adjust C’s role in the fight. “V rode out the drop…kneeling on the deck…” This posture seems likely to throw him to the ground when they jerk to a stop. I’d think he’d have more control to brace for impact with a slightly-crouched stance to let his legs absorb the impact better. (I probably wouldn’t have noticed this, but I spent part of this week working on impact absorbing jumps with the kids I coach, so it’s fresh in my mind) Pg 8: “…now less than one hundred feet above the ground.” Didn’t it say a few hundred feet a few paragraphs up? “…withdrew his pickaxe…flicked it back to the backsword… somewhere in his coat.” I have questions about how this works. Pg 9: V sure does have a lot of stuff in his coat. I’m not sure what the flare guns are achieving if he’s also shouting orders to the crew. Pg 10: Well… goodbye, maps. I like the idea of this, but am confused by the overall blocking of it and unsure how the flare gun would succeed in getting the coal dust dispersed in the air. What’s propelling it out of the mine shaft? And how high is the risk of them blowing themselves up in the process here? “oxygen-starved air” If they’re far enough above the explosion to not get caught in it entirely, would the air here be oxygen-starved? Where’d it go? Also, as a general airship question (I don’t know how the genre deals with this), how do airship crews deal with sudden elevation and air pressure changes? Wouldn’t they be used to low-oxygen atmospheres just due to altitude? Do writers of airship-fiction deal with things like decompression sickness or anything like that? It seems like that would take a toll on the bodies of airship crews. But that’s more of a general question than one for your story in particular. Pg 11: I thought V didn’t know the area. If the map they picked up was focused on wind currents, I’d think basic land details might be included, but it seems iffy to assume their ship will fit under a bridge they’ve never seen before. Also, why are the other ships still chasing them at this point. What do they think is worth the effort? Pg 12: “At least a hundred years” This brings up more questions about the condition of the abandoned town in the previous chapter. And how does C know this information if he’d only ever been there a couple times to get maps? Pg 13: The forces involved in this maneuver don’t quite add up to me. Good, solid cables (instead of wire) might provide some resistance, but they or some mechanism on the crane are going to give out before the bridge does. I’d expected when V was talking about this that they would go under the bridge and swing themselves around it, using cables as an anchor to rotate around. This would raise new physics questions, but it seems like a more likely outcome than pulling the bridge down. Pg 14: How did they cut cables that were strong enough to not snap under the weight of pulling the bridge free? C suddenly knows a lot more about standard airship setup than I would have expected based on what we have seen from him before. Pg 15: V’s instructions to Ir seem a little odd. How would he have responded if Sa- had been dismissive of the injuries among the crew? And, I mean. V, himself, doesn’t seem all that concerned. Why’s Ir supposed to act more sympathetic than they are when she is the one who isn’t even human? Pg 16: More physics questions with Sa blocking a gun shell. Even if his body can physically withstand the blast, the weight ratios and forces involved would have sent him and V both back through whatever was behind them, and he probably crushed V in the process. Pg 17: Was Ir unaware of whatever Sa is? And isn’t Ir above Sa in the command structure? Does he have the authority to question her like this? I’d rather see C’s internalized thoughts revealed more through conversation and actions. And am still wondering if his PoV is the best option for this chapter, when he’s not doing a lot through most of it. Pg 18: His summary of what the knight is doing there and what must have happened doesn’t seem to match the urgency of telling them to run. And if it is a ground unit, can’t they just fly out of range? Or follow the gorge and keep cover there until they have a clearer escape? I like the urgency of the last line, but I think C’s explanatory paragraph right beforehand takes away from the tension of it.

Overall: I still really like the world, and the mystery of the earrings and V’s appearance are interesting, but there’s a lot of repetition in here of things the reader already knows without a clear enough focus on where things are going. I think this section could be trimmed back a lot to focus on those more concrete mysteries, which will help, but we need more than vague feelings from C to know why she’s setting out to figure out the curse. What is at risk if she doesn’t do that? If she just continues to carry on with life as it is, in all its strangeness, like everyone else seems to? 1. I think the pacing is most hurt by the repetition of things we know. Outside of that, it’s fine, but stopping to repeat things we learned last chapter slows it down a good deal. 2. It seemed straightforward enough to follow. 3. I am guessing C and V will be setting off to figure out what the curse is about and fix it, but I don’t have any idea what that looks like in a practical sense, which is unhelpful for me. Pg 1: “Is it… natural?” through “…enchanting.” I like how she processes this. The suspicion about her own mind tricking her. Depending on how much she mulls over the curse in the changes to the first section, covering the same thing here may be a little repetitive, but it depends how much time she spends processing the curse in that section. Pg 2: “…pours out some chicken feed for the chickens.” Repetition of chickens. Can leave it as “pours out some feed…” without losing the meaning. “ashes bucket” -> “ash bucket”, I think. “strange boy…right where C last mixed the ashen compost…” Our essay hero? Brought to life by Wood Stove? “nobody has put numbers to ages since before.” I like this line and concept, but wonder if it might be more helpful when we are first being introduced to C and the other kids. I also wonder if “before” is going to be enough of a distinctive concept to deserve being capitalized? Or italicizing? Or something. It wasn’t jarring or confusing reading through it here, but I also usually read a little more slowly while doing critiques, so I don’t know if I’d think there was a word missing (“before what?”) if I was reading it in book form or not. “Time flowed in one direction…anywhere” I continue to be really excited about this setting. Time misbehavior always intrigues me as a concept. Pg 3: “Ch rolls into the main room-“ The part of my brain that has fully embraced the weirdness of the town of C thinks this is great. (I think @snakenaps mentioned Welcome to Nightvale? I’ve sort of stepped into the level of suspension of disbelief I had listening to those.) But I assume it’s going to be disorienting to some people. Pg 4: “My friends and I have been…” V might not know these things, but the reader does, and being reminded of specific details surrounding the curse too many times is going to get frustrating to readers. Pg 3-5: The dialogue through here is a little clunky and repetitive, and could likely be trimmed back. V’s mannerisms and language seem to be intentional, but the repetition of things the reader knows about the curse and the wordiness of C’s side of the dialogue make the distinction less clear. It might help to have C observe the strangeness of his language to herself. Her confusion and bewilderment are mentioned a couple times, which helps, but adjusting the wording of her responses to reflect that as well would convey the feeling more strongly. Even if she’s the type to go with the flow and just assume that most weird things are part of life in C, we need to get a clear idea of the things she does find odd. And some of that should come across in her dialogue. Cautious pauses. Skeptical looks and phrasing. Pg 6: “C has, thus far, refrained from commenting…cannot pass without remark.” This sort of thing is what I was thinking might be more helpful closer to the initial observations of V. Even if she intentionally doesn’t comment on it before but feels like she has to at this point. Pg 8-9 The chemistry class is distorting my concept of the apparent age of the kids (even if literal ages aren’t really relevant). It’s hard to picture the same group of kids playfully goofing off in the cursed lands outside town sitting down to learn chemistry. And if the specific topic of the lesson isn’t directly relevant to the plot, it could probably be trimmed back a bit. It feels like it’s more detailed than it needs to be if the point of it is to just show that they have chemistry class that day. The fact that any mention of chemistry classes makes me a little twitchy probably doesn’t help on that front. Pg 9-10: The conversation between C and V doesn’t seem to tell us much we don’t already know, and while looking for suspicious things is something in the way of character goals, having a more specific idea of how they plan to go about that, but I’d like to see the goals and motivations be a little more focused. I’m not convinced C has real motivation to dig into the secrets of the curse, and I’d like to see what specific things she’s hoping to do to find her answers.

Hi, All! This is the dieselpunk short story I’ve been working on while taking a break from Price of Peace. Tagged for language and war-related violence and gore. I like a lot of things about how it has turned out so far, but could use some feedback from you guys on things that are confusing or need tightening up. All input is helpful, since it’s been quite a while since I’ve done much shorter writing, but other than general feedback the things I’ve been specifically looking for thoughts on are the following: Thoughts on the title? I’m not entirely sold on it, but also know I spend far too much time overthinking titles. Does the setting carry through? It gets a lot more focus in the opening scene than through the rest, but I’m not sure if it needs anything additional or if it works as is. Do the characters’ motivations and actions seem clear and consistent? General points of confusion? Any concerning loose ends? Thoughts on where the wordcount might be trimmed, or if there are specific things that need to be fleshed out more? Thanks!

@Robinski Can I have a spot for my short story? It's at 6,358 words at the moment, so it's a little long, but I would definitely like some feedback on what pieces are worth trimming back.

I figured it was probably meaning to imply something along those lines, but the concept of imagining uncertainty itself as a friendly face doesn't quite seem to fit religious musing as I understand it. Mostly wanted to make sure the wording was correct as written before I charge in with comments about oversimplification of religious belief.

1. I’d like to see more about the flowers. We get hints at it being significant and that W has questions about it, but she doesn’t make much effort to have those questions answered. I’m frustrated with the fact that she doesn’t ever question An-‘s opinions of E and N, even when neither of them have given us any reason to trust An’s suspicions. And I’m surprised how much time W spends dwelling on what happened with E. She seems practical and rational, which makes it hard to be convinced that she hasn’t come to terms better with what happened with E. I don’t know that I’d expect her to have gotten past it enough to try to renew some sort of friendship with him, but I’d think she would understand his trying to make things work and enjoying the time they spent together even if his feelings aren’t the same as hers. I’d expect less moping about E and more embarrassment that she didn’t see how things actually were. That being said, it was good to see things moving forward and I am looking forward to seeing what happens with the beach trip. (or coast trip. Is there a reason you only refer to it as the coast? 2. Feelings are mixed… There were a few things in here that were clashing with my understanding of W’s character, but also a few things that really solidify my initial understanding. So I’m not sure what to make of that. Also, I’m not sure if we are supposed to believe there’s anything to what An- is saying, but at this point I haven’t seen any reason to and am surprised that W puts up with her if she can’t stand teen social hierarchy stuff. N comes across as a goofy, extroverted, socially awkward teen, and is the sort of cheery that would drive my cynical, introverted self crazy in real life (I have coached a couple of these kids. I never know what to do with them) but I find quirky and adorable here. Pg 1: It sort of surprises me that W is still spending so much time worrying about E after this much time has passed. In the opening chapter, she’d been wondering if she wanted anything to do with a relationship, but since then she’s done a lot of wallowing in what happened with E. She’s shown as a smart, practical person, and while I would expect a feeling of being hurt and offended to linger, I wouldn’t expect her to obsess over something she sees as definitely over. If anything, I’d expect her to throw herself into schoolwork and other activities to distract herself from the feelings that do linger if she’s used to being practical and rational. But that could be me reading too much of my own experience into the character. (Why deal with feelings when there’s math and physics to be done?) It also seems odd that if N wants to talk to W, he can’t find a single moment when she’s not with An. “…best time to express the curiosity that’s always been in me.” The wording of this is a little awkward. “She talks a bit more…her people.” There’s a lot in this sentence, which is making it hard to process in one go. If the topic is going to be relevant to your story, clarifying and keeping the length would be helpful. If it’s not, it might be worth trimming the description a little. Pg 2: “A flower cut off…” I like this line. “But in this case…” If she has grown up with a better understanding of loving platonic relationships where most people would expect romantic or sexual ones, I’m surprised that she didn’t recognize that in E’s explanation in chapter 1. Maybe not at the time, when embarrassment and offense might have cluttered out anything else, but it makes it harder to believe her insistence that he never had any feelings for her. The feelings just weren’t what she thought they were or wanted them to be. “…people imagine the void of uncertainty as a friendly face.” I’m not sure what this is saying. Pg 4: An- is acting like N is predatory and threatening. And while, yeah, she seems to know more about him than W does, I haven’t seen anything from N to suggest that we should trust An’s opinion about him. He seems extroverted and socially awkward, but I’d expect it to come across as innocent goofiness. It is nice to have a feeling of things moving forward more with this, though. Pg 5: I don’t get what sort of suspicious they’re expecting. “Why?” Hah. Pg 6: “if anything comes up.” -> if anything changes? Pg 7: “Good job, W” …does W actually know what happened or is going on between B and either E or N? An seems to refer to it all the time in these suspicious terms, but I haven’t seen any suspicious or malicious behavior from E or N anywhere yet, so I obviously don’t trust her distrust of them. And it seems odd to me that W wouldn’t have gotten the full story from An and seen holes in it by now. “I’ll bet An- was thinking about this…but made sure I wanted nothing to do with N” so if she sees that An- is being socially manipulative to some extent, why does she hang out with her all the time? Or trust her opinion about E and/or N? Pg 8: “…a large number of people from an age demographic not known for our decision-making.” To challenge Kais’s point above, this is exactly how I approached large group situations in high school. Could use a stronger ending. A trip with B and friends suggests lots of possibility for plot progress and things happening. Focusing on that is probably going to make the reader want to continue right away more than ending on the vague confusion created by what just happened.

Overall: I really like the creepiness and strangeness of the setting. The mysterious Wood Stove. The homework mystery. There are a lot of fun details that spark curiosity. The writing is easy to read and flows really well, but is a little wordy in a few spots where the descriptions go on a little longer than they need to. They do a great job of evoking the setting, but some could use some trimming so that it doesn’t move past that to pull the reader out of the story. (I assume that the balance on this probably changes from reader to reader, and especially by age, but I don’t know what would be more or less engaging for a MG or YA reader) Like the others said, I’d be concerned about the lack of chapter breaks (or some other sub-part breaks) causing trouble with mental pacing for a reader. Part of me feels like the setting lends itself to a slightly more meandering/less structured format, but as a reader, my natural instinct is to read toward a chapter break or scene break and stop there. And I’d probably be a little frustrated without some sort of checkpoints along the way, even if they’re not standard chapters. Maybe it just means more clearly delineated scene breaks, and clearer arcs within the scene? I think readers need something clearer to help mark start/stop points, but I don’t know what that might necessarily be. Similarly, I’d echo the others’ comments about needing a clearer inciting incident. There’s a general sense of smaller mysteries that are intriguing, but we don’t get a good sense of where the story is going yet since C- doesn’t seem notably startled by the strange things we do see (except the homework). So it’s hard to tell what is “perfectly normal life” in a town where things don’t exist quite like we expect them to, especially when C- seems to take it all in stride. Which I also like a lot. I think it really shows just how weird and mysterious the town is when our MC is just like “Oh. My essay literally changed itself to a point where it’s no longer understandable as what I wrote? Weird, but okay.” “Oh. One of the other kids chopped all their hair off out of the blue when she seemed to be pretty proud of it? Huh. And they came over to throw it into the CWS? Seems legit.” The only problem with her being so unflappable about the strangeness is that the reader doesn’t know what’s actually strange (even for the town) and what is actually going to flip the switch to start the story. Why does the story start here and now? What makes this the best entry point for the reader? 1. I really like the MC. She seems practical and straightforward, which I always enjoy seeing. And I like the contrast of her practicality with the strangeness of the world. Though like I mentioned above, it makes it a little harder to tell what’s actually weird and what is just I-live-in-Con level of weird. 2. I really like the setting, and am looking forward to finding out more about the mysteries of the town. 3. I would probably read on for a little longer, but I think I would get a little frustrated by the lack of chapter/scene breaks and more concerned the longer we went without a clear inciting incident. Pg 1: “Nobody has ever told…it weren’t forbidden.” Something about the usage of “forbidden” in this paragraph is throwing me a bit. Not enough that I don’t get what it’s saying or anything, but enough to make me pause and read it again. I think it might just be that the structure of the first two sentences runs parallel enough to assume what isn’t there, but the third sentence doesn’t quite flow with them. First is “children …are forbidden from… the wastes” Second, “they are forbidden…” I’d read this as “[children] are forbidden [from the wastes]” initially, but the change in structure on the third sentence makes it seem like “[the wastes] are forbidden” is also a possibility. Third, “if it weren’t forbidden.” Where “entering the wastes” is what is forbidden. I’ve now looked at these lines far too long and “forbidden” no longer means anything. Oops. Pg 2: “I don’t feel cursed at all!” Me, who has read any fairytale ever: Has concerns. “why they all woke up early…” what makes today special if this isn’t something they do often? [a question that is even more relevant after reading through this section without seeing an obvious inciting incident] Pg 5: Are the kids all the same age? If they’re all doing the same assignments, it seems like it would imply that they are at least close in age. But that seems odd if they’re the only kids in the town. Of course, when it comes to strange, cursed towns, this should probably be the least of my questions, but it doesn’t seem quite to fall under the strangeness-due-to-curses category that many other things would. “…who appears in a remote town one day…” A remote town like C- perhaps? Pg 6: I really like the description of the essay change. Especially the “The ink goes all wobbly…” sentence Pg 7: “…historical people doing past things.” Hah. Nice. I like this line too. Pg 8: Though it becomes more evident that this is a special Wood Stove, it definitely seems odd to see it capitalized the first time. I wonder if there’s a way to show the contrast so that it doesn’t seem like a typo. Or to have C internalize something about it being special here. You do this at the top of page 9, but it’s not clear until then. “Almost anything can be fuel…” That’s not ominous at all. Pg 9: The part of me that is looking for an inciting incident really latched onto the television being off. Like them getting up early this day of all days, it’s suggesting that something is special about today. Whether the odd behavior is triggered by an event or an event is triggering the odd behavior, but for YA or MG, I’d expect an obvious incident by now. Pg 10: Similarly expecting something to go funny after the hero essay gets thrown into the Wood Stove. And again with the hair at the end. Thanks for submitting! Looking forward to reading more!

Hah. Yep, you're in the right place. Just a quiet week. Now I wish I'd hurried up to finish my short story edits earlier. Oh well.

Thank you for reminding me of this one! I'd stumbled across it recently and forgot to actually look it up and search the library for it. Overall: I like the setting and world, and I like most of the characters. The jury is still out on C. He seems sort of standoffish and distant, which is going to bother me until I see some reason to excuse it. He obviously has a past that he’s still dealing with, but I don’t think I’m going to be sympathetic to that until I know the scale and significance of the things that he’s facing. It probably doesn’t help that I’m not usually a huge fan of the sort of brooding character with a mysterious past. One general note is that a lot of conversations or descriptions seem to have more time spent on them than necessary, which makes things feel drawn out and meandering at times. The flare gun description. C’s motion sickness. The usage of coal and whether or not that’s normal or outdated. The elevator mechanism. If they’re vital for us to know here and now for this chapter, more description is good, but when they don’t even use the flare gun and the motion sickness doesn’t become relevant, I think they can be trimmed back to keep the pacing up. It seems like most people have commented on the female character situation, so I won’t add too much on that front except to second the comments that I don’t see any reason not to do a gender swap on some of the knights. Or to have more female members of the crew. You mentioned that you’re focusing on basing the characters in the lore, but that can be done with a female variation of the name. Some will probably be easier to swap than others, just because of general gender behavior assumptions, but there’s no reason for your world’s gender norms to match those of our world. They just have to be realistic and consistent within the world. Knights being male in the original legends (and in history) make sense because of general masculine physical strength assumptions and gender roles where the men do the fighting. But if we already have an airship doctor/mechanic (assuming you’re continuing to include that aspect. I hope so. Even if it’s not delved into. The world needs more female mechanics.) of some sort who is female, Arthurian gender roles are already becoming irrelevant. When the world you’re setting up is fine with a female doctor/mechanic, I don’t know why they’d restrict knighthood to men. Especially when the knights are piloting mechs, which makes the physical strength aspect far less relevant. If your keeping with Arthurian lore is the only reason for not having more female characters, you’re going to be putting yourself in a difficult spot, because you’re going to be putting a ton of weight on the statement that those characters are making about women in general. Without even touching on the question of what modern interests and expectations are for publishing compared to the example of LotR. Continuing on to comments: It’s quite possible that I’m overthinking things, but while skimming back through my notes, I realized that the tone of some of the comments could come across as smart-alecky, which I definitely don’t intend. There are a number of things that will be relatively simple fixes, but are currently clashing with my ability to suspend disbelief about the world, so I’m just trying to poke a little at spots where I’m having trouble with some of the details. Especially because I really like the world and setting, so I really want to see it be as cohesive and well-rounded as possible. Pg 1: The first paragraph seemed a little clunky to me. I got what was going on, but it seemed a little jumbled. I think partly because the opening sentence came across to me as them actually docking there, so when it jumps out to the surrounding area then back to there not being a place to dock, it messed with my image of how things were going. Pg 1-2 So it talks about the crane being set up to take two down, and C and Sh are planning to go. The following comments about Sa seem irrelevant if that decision has been made already. Why do they go on to talk about adding a third in? And why is Sa- the one making the call on whether things might be risky or not? Isn’t that something C- would have a better idea of if he’s been there before? If there would be any concern about safety risk, I assume they’d want to keep their doctor on the ship unless she has some skills that would be especially helpful in the task. Or some special interest that makes her insist on going (ruined town related, not looking out for C- related. He seems well enough to not need a doctor following him around for medical reasons). And if Sa- isn’t going with them, why is he standing here? Just to be large and intimidating? Pg 2-3 I’m not sure what to make of the interaction between C and Sa. C seems to be defensive, and I assume that it’s partly because of the secrets in his past that he’s keeping hidden, but since I don’t have a clear idea of why he’s defensive and wary, or to what extent he has reason to feel vaguely threatened by this random very large guy on the ship, it’s sort of just coming across as him being superficially rude and standoffish, which aren’t engaging traits for me. If he has specific suspicions about Sa-, and I knew why Sa- put him on edge, and felt like it was justified, there would be more tension there. But without knowing what he’s being defensive about, it feels a little off. I also didn’t get the sense of any of it being threatening, despite Sh’s comments. I get the sense that they don’t like each other, and they’re being sort of standoffish, but didn’t get the idea that either of them were moving past that to threatening. Pg 4: Why is the flare gun in her bag? Shouldn’t it be in some sort of holster so that it’s at hand in case of an emergency? Not to mention the risk of accidental firing. Pg 5: “…not because the town itself collapsed…” If it’s been quite a while since the coal ran dry, there would still likely be deterioration. Weathering of houses. Animals moving in. Squatters taking up residence (assuming there’s any food source available). If no one is taking care of anything, neglect is going to do a good deal of damage. Pg 6: “Stuck my foot in my mouth again” How? The apology conversation seems odd to me. I haven’t seen enough cultural differences to give weight to that part of it, and I don’t have a good sense of why Sh is so set on helping C. Wanting to be generally helpful, I can see in her character, but why is she so set on helping him when he seems uninterested in being helped. His dismissiveness is also irritating (for similar reasons to the standoffishness above. It’s implied that it’s because of his dark, mysterious past. But if I don’t know anything about that, it’s hard to be sympathetic). Pg 8: “A thick layer of dust covered most of the floor and furniture, save for a trail…” Did everyone just leave all of their stuff when they left? How long has it been since C was here before? From what he’d said, I’d assumed it had been quite a while. [note after checking back: I’d taken the trail in the dust as an indicator that someone else had been there more recently, and that they were at risk of running into them. Or of the map being missing. And expected Sh’s flare gun to come into play in some sort of altercation when they were caught. I was a little disappointed when they didn’t really run into any trouble during their adventure here.] If it’s supposed to be better hidden, wouldn’t they make sure to clear the dust out better when they’ve been through? Mysterious blue glow? Count me in! This is the sort of detail that I want to see in regard to C hiding things. Making vague comments about a past failure (and related defensive pessimism) is far less engaging to me. At the moment, these couple of lines are the thing about him that I have cared the most about. “…was swiftly cut off by torchlight as C lit one up a moment later.” Where’d the torch come from? What’s he lighting it with? Torches in small —likely flammable — spaces seems risky. Pg 9: “…walls were covered…a few buckets…” This is not a good way to store maps. No drawers or flat files? No shelves to stack rolled maps? Stored in buckets on ends? No humidity control? These things are going to be falling apart. How long have they been here? And who built the secret map room? Why in the mining town? Is there any reason they have a secret room instead of just a library that had proper storage? A locked room or vault off an archive? An abandoned secret elevator that no one is doing any maintenance on seems like a recipe for disaster. And if there’s no other way in or out, it puts anything inside at risk if the mechanism fails. Pg 10: “Ag‘s.” The map is Ag’s? Are all of them his? And if C took over for him, are they now C’s? This goes back to the above question of who built the room and why it is where it is. Though if it is a sort of record room specifically associated with the knight-ly role that Ag or C have, that would at least provide some explanation for why C wants to keep most of them there. I hadn’t gotten a clear idea that C has any sort of responsibility for or ownership of the maps, but if some (at least one) had been Ag’s, maybe he would? Pg 11: “I remember it like it was yesterday.” This makes it seem like it’s been a really long time, but I hadn’t gotten the impression that C was all that old. I think the conversation about Ag would be more impactful if we knew more about C and what he perceives as his failure. Right now, he obviously sees Ag- as the ideal example of the Exp‘s knight, and is comparing their accomplishments. C makes it very clear that he thinks he’s failed to meet the standard that Ag- set, but when we don’t have a good sense of what it means to be the Exp‘s knight, or of what has actually happened in C’s past, it makes it hard to know if we should agree with him and be sympathetic or if he’s just whining and cynical. We don’t need to know all of it, but we need enough of it to stay engaged with his character and motivations. Pg 12: “…it’s not like there’s going to be anyone else who’s going to be coming, right?” This goes back to who made the secret map room with the secret closet elevator access. It seems like a lot of work and a lot of information to be just abandoned. Who technically owns them? Or owned them? And why would they have left them there? Pg 13: “Sh didn’t have to use her flare gun, much to her disappointment.” To my disappointment as well. I’d expected them to have more trouble tracking down the map they’re looking for. But everything seemed to be quite straightforward. “…tell him he has excellent taste.” in maps? The phrasing of that one seems odd. I’d also sort of thought Ag- had made the map (trying to tie together context of what it is that the Exp’s knight’s responsibilities are) Pg 13-14: The conversation about the captain offering help just stresses how little we know about C’s history and what he’s trying to do without providing any additional helpful information to grab onto. The shift in conversation from C describing the queen to V assuming they’re here for his ship is a little sudden. “…the choice is not up to you.” On one hand, C- seemed to be fine enough to go on his map-search adventure. So it seems odd that Sh is getting defensive about his physical health now. Also, he’s not armed in any way that I know of, so what is anyone expecting him to do in a battle? But I’d expect V to have more respect for his doctor’s opinion on the matter of patient health. I’m also not sure why she demands to stay there. Especially if it’s not part of the normal routine. As it is now, it makes her seem a little childish (especially with the dramatic sigh before turning to go) when I’d expect her tendency toward wanting to be helpful to be most useful in preparing to treat anyone who might get wounded. Pg 17: I like the final line. It definitely further solidifies my appreciation of the captain