C_Vallion

Hello, All! Thanks for all of your feedback on previous chapters. I’ll be working on merging chapters 2 and 3 together, trimming back the things that don’t need to be introduced there, and focusing more on how jumping into the royal family’s personal politics is going to interfere with Ala attempts to create stability for himself and the people of Tr. When it’s done, I’ll probably mention it, in case anyone wants to give the revision a look, but I don’t think there’s enough new information there to deserve submitting the combined version at this point. Now for this chapter. I’d reworked a couple versions over the past few weeks, and ended up liking some aspects of one (more colorful setup but Ali was way too passive) and some aspects of another (boring setup but she was more actively pushing the plot forward). I’m hoping that I was able to combine the better aspects of both of those without it seeming inconsistent, but am a little concerned that the sort of helplessness of being younger and out of her depth is still going to come across as being more passive than it should. Content warning: mild language Beyond general thoughts, the main things I’m looking for are General opinions on the new PoV. The weekly reading schedule probably makes this trickier, but is the tonal shift from the end of the previous chapter to here too jarring? Are her goals/motivations/activeness clear enough here? Or does she seem like she’s just getting trampled over? Thanks!

@Ace of Hearts A lot of the things you mentioned are things that I've already started to address as I've started to rework 2 and 3 to combine them (so I guess it's good to know that I'm working on the right things thus far), but I'll add some of the "what it should have said" here since I'm not sure when that reworked chapter will be together. This is something I went back and forth on a little bit. Especially because this is the first introduction we get to Is-n in this version. But I haven't found a good alternative that encompasses the fact that the court doesn't have a good sense of what's wrong with him except that it's some sort of chronic pain/illness that prevented him from taking the throne. I think I'd included a little more context when he was introduced in the old chapters, but I need to go back and see what's there and what parts of that would be relevant for Al to know. Previously, he'd been introduced in Is's chapter, so we knew a little more about him before he was pulled in here. Is-n is a few years older than V, and had been the heir before an accident that nearly killed him and got him disinherited. So the court pities him enough to let some of the magic rumors slide so long as he stays out of politics. Hence the slightly dismissive simplification of his physical condition. I hadn't realized how imbalanced some of the focus was in this chapter. Ultimately Al's concern about what V is doing should have been downplayed more, because the more important thing for Al plot-wise is zoning in on the hurdle the day's events put in the way of him achieving his goals (stability for the duchy). The question of the king's decision is part of that hurdle (and important for us to be aware of for future chapters), but there is definitely too much focus on it. The focus should be on how he's going to keep his sudden involvement with royal plotting from interfering with his attempts to achieve his goals. In theory, I think that will both make it seem less like he's just reacting to the king and make him a little more active in the stretches when he seems like he's just sitting around listening. It's not quite accurate to call it a fear of sudden disasters, though that's the simplest explanation that comes to mind. I'd probably call it a fear of standing by and watching things spiral out of control, most specifically when he's unable to do anything about it. So as long as he's able to do something, or if there's enough sense of normalcy and routine for him to hang on to, he can usually stave off the worst of it. There are small hints at that in there, but they aren't tied together well, and I want to call it out better pretty much at the start of chapter 2 to make sure the plot focus stays more on that than on just being a nice helpful guy and saving the day.

Would also like a spot for Monday if there's space

I know and there are definitely things that do that (and will be incredibly frustrating with the reading schedule), but I think in this case, condensing the building anxiety and where the concern is coming from to one chapter is going to cause fewer problems with it potentially getting conflated with flat love interest vibes. The adjustments I'm working on have him more clearly tying it into his PTSD concerns at the start of what was posted as chapter 2. There are hints of it in the submitted version, but without knowing anything about his backstory beforehand, they just seem like random concern (his not wanting to stand around and wait for the healer. His concern that this attack could just be a distraction from something bigger. His manservant's concern when he sees that Al's on edge) So I'm hoping that will get things on the right track a little better. I do think it needs to be cut back a good deal (which will hopefully help a lot of the feeling that he's just standing around watching things happen), but this is one of the things where we get the payoff later (in theory. We'll see if it works in practice). It's important that we get some of this information here, because some of the characters are intentionally hiding things from each other in later chapters, and its important that the reader sees that some things are being brushed aside or glossed over. But I'm still working on getting a good sense of how much information is enough to get the point across without it seeming like the focus and sidetracking everything (which it seems to currently be doing). All of the feedback has been really helpful in seeing how it's currently coming across so that I can make those adjustments. So thanks for the additional thoughts!

I'd probably suggest going with "mysterious dark metal" or something similar. I'd assume most people would think of iron as heavy/bulky/dirty, not as the sort of majestic streamlined mech you seem to be describing. ooooo. Fancy. I like it. That checks out. I had considered the height difference possibility, but the airships skew my perception of what to expect as "normal" even if it's "medieval." I mostly just don't generally think of daggers as being that long.

Yeah. I think by combining the two chapters together it will be easier to clarify that most of his motivation is restless anxiety related and trying to avoid circumstances that are going to trigger a panic attack related than love interest related. With the separate chapters, it seemed like making the anxiety issues more prevalent in chapter 2 would have been more problematic since it doesn't build toward anything specific until chapter 3. But I hadn't considered how strongly the alternative option was "wow. He's weirdly obsessed with her well-being for not actually knowing her" I'm hoping condensing it into one chapter can make it easier to bring the PTSD/anxiety troubles in earlier without it feeling like it's going on too long. Yeah. I hadn't realized that I had failed to make that distinction in this round of revisions. Spellstones are legal and "safe." Actively cast spells are a different animal, and can be prone to going wrong in nasty ways but I haven't yet found a way to get that information in early on. It was touched on a bit in the prologue (which also detailed what happened to Al's parents), and is also delved into more in Part 2, specifically in regard to why the laws actually make sense when this early on it mostly just seems like they're keeping us from using healing magic. The old version of the prologue needs a ton of reworking before it actually conveys the things it's supposed to, and submitting through Part 1 will hopefully help me figure out what should be included there (Al's parents' deaths, the dangers of "real" magic, and briefly stating "spellstones are legal. This other magic that got these people killed is not" are the main things I've thought need to be there) or what I might be able to bring in elsewhere to potentially skip the prologue altogether. Some of that exposition got put in here, but there might be too much of it now. I think both of these are a problem in my framing of what the reader should be paying attention to. As is often my problem. If you have any thoughts on how to better achieve what I'm going for or if what I'm going for just seems like a bad idea, they'd be greatly appreciated. Al's plotline should be focusing on his creating stability for the duchy. And on pretty much day 1 of that effort, his own personal/mental stability rug is sort of pulled out from under him. He's far more concerned about the poisoning because it triggers the fears and anxieties he's spent a decade trying to work through—if she dies and he could have prevented it, how far is it going to knock him back into his own trauma history?— just as he's at a vital point in trying to achieve his goals (stability for the duchy). The king's potential hypocrisy is present, and relevant, but more because it's driving home the point that he doesn't know what "stability" means here. Is it political order (seems like the right answer by the book.) or avoiding an innocent, tragic death (which his own history is telling him is the more important thing). Ultimately the goals and motivations of the main protagonists are all tied pretty closely together, which makes it really tricky not to conflate aspects of them that I need to make sure I keep separate. So maybe I need to downplay the question of the king's potential hypocrisy here, but then we lose the contrast of how Al feels about the king's potential hypocrisy vs. how the family feels about it, which we get in the next chapter, and I'm trying to figure out how to separate those things out without repeating details we already know. What are the plot movement details you feel like you're being teased with? Is-n is the king's brother, not Is-a's. Someone else mixed that up too, though, so I apparently need to figure out what I'm saying that's giving that implication. Don't worry, I'm definitely doing that. Thanks, all! Your thoughts are really helpful in zoning in on the issues I keep having. It's been hugely helpful in figuring out how to go about fixing them.

Overall: As a general note, forgive my engineering brain jumping in with comments that no one else would be concerned about. They aren’t complaints or issues with my enjoying the story so much as poking at world cohesiveness. Having spent a good deal of time in the prosthetics/exoskeleton R&D field, I really like the idea of things like mech armor, but I’m also more nitpicky about things like that than most would be. Especially when there are fantasy elements that allow you to overlook some more standard machining limitations. In regard to the chapter as a whole, I agree with @kais that this seems like a far more fitting opening for the story than what we’ve seen previously. Getting these details about C’s past and motivation would be far more helpful from the start than the vague mysterious, troubled past feel we were getting before. You still get to hang on to some of that here, where we don’t know all of the details regarding his leaving the kingdom, but we have more to hang on to and a better idea of where things are going. I think a good deal of the Arthurian lore is probably going over my head. I have picked up vague, basic details of the lore over the years, but it’s never been something I’d say I know a lot about. So if it’s really important for following plot or character dynamics, I’d make sure you aren’t assuming the reader knows those things coming into the story. The conflict between C and A here is clear enough that I don’t really need additional information on why they’re angry at each other, though there’s probably more depth to it that I’m not aware of. But they’re referencing some events as if we should be aware of specifics on them that I don’t know if we need to have going into it or if they’ll be explained when they’re more directly relevant. Pg 1: Ten seconds doesn’t seem like that much time to have to wait if they really think running is the safest bet (what are safe/reasonable acceleration rates for an airship where no one is secured to the ship? How far would they have ascended in those ten seconds anyway without injuring or losing anyone in the jerk of taking off? It doesn’t really seem like they make a habit of tying themselves down for quick maneuvers.) Especially if they can make some ground laterally during that time. Might be better to have vaguer details regarding the take-off delay if this is a fight and not a chase (where the times would be the bigger tension point). Really, I think trimming back before the appearance of the knight could be helpful. Make it clear that they’re stuck then have the knight show up. I like the introduction of the knight. Specifically the “no beauty…alive” line. Pg 2: Why iron and not steel or, for that matter, some mysterious super strong alloy that only the knights’ machine spirits can create? If the machine spirits are rebuilding the knights when they are destroyed, is that done at the molecular level? Stronger metals are generally more difficult to form and machine, so that might provide an argument for a weaker metal over a stronger one, but if they’re not actually being machined by any traditional human methods, why iron? I can’t remember what C’s knight was made of (if there’s some elemental association). Do the machine spirits strengthen the metals of the knights? If the knights are iron, I assume the spirits would have to be actively “rebuilding” to avoid rusting out. These aren’t questions that needs answers, but they occurred to me while reading and now I’m far more curious about the material composition of the knights than is likely to be in any way relevant to the story. “The similarities ended there.” Is this saying that the construction of C’s knight was similar (size/construction/material)? I’d read it as being a specific description of the new knight, not knights in general, but then I’m not sure what similarities you’re referring to. “The knight C had been found in” this makes it seem like we aren’t in C’s pov, which I am pretty sure we are? I’d imagine C would universally consider that knight “his”, not just the one he had been found in. “armor that was light and thin” but also iron? “given the scale” 30 ft knight scaled down to a 6 ft human? So a 6-12” dagger scaled back up would give us 30-60” or 2.5-5 feet. Still pretty big, but not quite “a small mast” “your armaments won’t scratch it.” So, yes on the machine spirits strengthening the metals? “can cut the ship to ribbons” Can slash right through the hull of it, but the blade length isn’t going to cut that far into it. Still going to be a massive problem for the ship if they can’t get away, but “ribbons” seems excessive. I’d also rather see the knight’s strength/durability in action than just have C’s summary on it. Pg 3: “Calm and measured response” vs. “maybe…I thought I was dead.” Okay, but what about all of his new friends who he is so insistent about being grateful to for saving his life? Is he not concerned about them? Pg 4-6: This conversation goes on a long time, and it’s a little too wordy and informational to feel natural. It feels a little like everyone standing around watching two people on stage go through a set of careful, precise lines of dialogue, not like two people who are actually angry at each other. Could be trimmed back a decent amount without losing the key points. Pg 7: “spear…impaled the knight” and “smashing it even further into the earth” this seems way too easy for all the conversation leading into it. C’s complete lack of concern doesn’t help that. “tearing gouges” Why not just run him through with the spear? He should be able to do that while still staying significantly outside the range of the Assassin’s dagger if the scales are consistent from knight to knight. Spears aren’t really gouge-tearing weapons. “strength lies in stealth and speed” yeah, I was wondering why he got himself locked into arguing with C when it seemed like a very un-assassin-like way to approach an opponent. If he knew he was out there to destroy the ship, why didn’t he just do that from the start? Pg 8: C’s physical removal from the battle doesn’t really help with the tension issues here. His knight has the upper hand and he can just stand on the ship and have his argument with A, who also doesn’t seem all that concerned about his well-being, even though he’s getting crushed. “It was then the E raised his left hand” Still not sure why he didn’t just run him through. A having the gun as a reason for the ship to think it isn’t worth trying to escape makes sense, and C/E taking it makes sense, but I don’t think we had enough tie-in to the gun as a threat to make this switch seem significant. Whey didn’t A reach for it when the dagger vs. spear reach problem was putting him in trouble? Pg 8-9: I feel like some of the Arthurian references are going over my head. If they become more directly plot relevant later and are explained at that point in time, that’s fine, but if we are expected to have that knowledge going into it, that’s going to be a problem. Pg 9-10: “felt his legs give out from under him.” This seems to come out of nowhere. I assume it’s from some mental strain of “piloting” (for lack of a better term) the knight, but we didn’t really get any indication of it being all that taxing on him during the battle, which is when it would have been really helpful to have clear signs of the difficulty of it (I’d think it would at least make it much harder to hold a coherent conversation during the battle. Especially a conversation as wordy as this one was) As someone who often has too many extra characters in my scenes who end up standing around doing nothing, I’m a little concerned about having this many characters in a debrief conversation. Why are Sh and Sa there? If Ir is there in human-appearance form, I feel like she should be involved in the conversation, but if she’s there in flower form like we’ve seen a few times (not sure of her reasons for switching back and forth or what she’s doing when she’s not running the ship) it would make sense for her to just be there (possibly even without C being aware of it) until things specifically relevant to her (the Im Drives) come up. I’m also not sure what behavior Sh finds reckless. 11-19: Some of this is important knowledge to have, but could be trimmed back to key points or provided over time. At this point, I’d assume V would mostly want to know the key points that are currently relevant to C, not just the knights’ history. What is V hoping to get out of the conversation? Is he worried about people continuing to chase him? Just wants to know what was going on with the battle for curiosity’s sake? Does he want C to join his crew so he can put C’s knight to use? Even if he’s a nice guy, he’s going to have his own angle and motivations for asking questions. But I don’t know what his long-term goals are. What would he have been doing if he hadn’t gotten into C’s adventure. The back and forth about owing each other goes on way too long. And I don’t see why V is so insistent about going along for the ride. And I don’t think he needs to sign up to be 100% onboard for the quest at this precise moment. Their back and forth here is a pretty clear “Are you in or out?” sort of thing, but a middle ground of “Let me at least get you as far as our next salvage site” seems more feasible for a guy who wants to be helpful but isn’t necessarily up for sending his crew off on a random adventure that he has no way of knowing the outcome of. For him to fully jump in on the adventure, I’d expect a really strong personal motivation for him to take the physical and financial risk of abandoning his salvage work to go on an adventure.

Chapter 5 Adjustments: I like the idea of this change in direction for their conversation, as it fits C’s character really well and gives us a little more reason for why she tries so hard to think the best of people. But I do think it could be streamlined a bit. Chapter 6: Pg 3: “He is a good mop” MD deserves a pat on the head. “travesty of nature…calls to him.” Hah. Pg 4: “four tiny beds” !!! Pg 6: “Something to do with J and the owning of dogs.” The curse strikes again! Pg 7: I like seeing this conflict with T. Especially after the new part of Chapter 5 talking about wanting to be friendly with everyone and think the best of people. GM certainly knows how to hit where it hurts. Pg 9: I was not expecting E to come to the rescue. We haven’t seen much about him since the opening scene, but this fits what was set up there, with him being enthusiastic and not necessarily looking ahead to the consequences of his choices. “boisterous in a way that would tire C out if she were to try it” Man. Relatable. Overall: Not a ton to say on this one. I like having MD thrown in, both for the spotlight on Mom’s strangeness and because the voice is fun. I do feel like I need to read through from the start to get a feel for the overall pacing of the story. In many ways it feels like we are adding depth to the problem of the curse, and getting a broader explanation of what it does and how it effects the town, but aren’t necessarily moving forward toward solving it. There are a few clear steps, for sure, but I think the week to week submission setup makes it harder to get a sense of the forward progress, especially when the chapters aren’t super long (though that definitely makes sense for MG). Do you have a percentage estimate of how far into the story we are at this point? Also, would you be able to send me a document with the most up to date version of chapters 1-5 so I can get a better feel for the pacing? 1. I think it’s better, but could still use some streamlining of the conversation. Parts of it feel a little stilted as is. 2. Nope 3. I think it comes across pretty well. The one thing I would wonder at this point would be to ask the people who are more familiar with middle grade writing if there would be issues with as many points of view as we’ve had. I like multiple povs when they aren't adding unnecessary confusion, but I don’t know if there are any sorts of guidelines when considering what an agent or publisher might be concerned by. 4. I think it does. I thought it made a lot of sense for T’s irritation with C not showing up over the weekend to make her more willing to listen to whatever GM told her.

Overall: I think the biggest thing that interfered with my enjoying the chapter is that I haven’t read the other books, so I’m not hugely invested in Ata by the part in the chapter where she’s processing her own discovery of Ard and what it will mean to Or, and what a BIG DEAL that is. More specific thoughts on that below. There are a lot of little details that I liked: The frustration of cleaning up after the fungi. A sense of the tedium of the daily life of an eld. General world setup and character details that tie me into the world better. But as a whole, it felt a little disconnected from our current storyline until we get to where she's actually getting the note that Or was reaching out. Pg 1: Are we supposed to know who/what gatoi are? “many kinds of urgent” : I like these contrasts of urgent. Pg 2: I’m having trouble picturing the ambassador here. For the most part, the paragraph at the end of pg 1 is helpful for getting the sentient-fungus-species idea, which is enough to interpret hyphae as a fungus-related term, but I could use another visual cue to help visualize this. The “fluffy stalk of hyphae” is helpful, but I’m struggling to match that up with the “tannish colored mat” mentioned later. “They’d never get that color out of the floor.” This line does a pretty great job of portraying Ata’s sheer exhaustion with this meeting. The message from E read as either three separate messages or a back and forth, which made me have to pause to reread that section. Pg 3: “as apologetic as she could on three hours of sleep.” Oh man. I feel this pain. Still having trouble picturing the ambassador here. Pg 4: “Mind awash…take better care of herself” I think this might be confusing to people who haven’t read the previous books? I’ve read enough comments from people who have read the other books to have noted that the trees communicate with them, but can’t remember if/where it’s been mentioned in the text of this one. So I’m not sure if I would have had the context to understand this if I was just reading through. Similar response to the switch from verbal communication to telepathy at the end of page 4. Is this the first time we’ve seen someone both speaking and communicating telepathically? I think it’s a good, clear introduction to how conversations would work for people who can communicate in both ways, but my first thought upon seeing italics was that it was a thought in the narrative, not further communication from E. If this isn’t the first time we’re seeing this sort of communication, that’s probably just my fault for reading it too late last night, but if we haven’t seen it before, it might be helpful to clarify to keep it from being jarring or confusing. Pg 7-10 I feel like there’s a whole lot of page time spent trying to get in touch with the others. I think it could be trimmed back a bit and still get the point across that there seems to be no way of getting in touch and it’s really strange and a little concerning. Pg 11: “crossed her arms and pulled the small blanket” Are these supposed to be simultaneous movements? I’d assume pulling the blanket into place would have to come before the arm-crossing. Pg 13: “shouldn’t there be …crew?” This and the following paragraphs are really helpful for knowing how strange Or’s situation is, and what is more normal for Ne people. I assume the other books deal a lot more directly with Ne’s culture and social setup, but we haven’t had too much of that here yet. Pg 14: Are biofilms at risk of breaking when being dropped? Also, E then “gently takes” it, which to me implies that it was still in her hand. Ata calls Or a hero, but Or seemed to be of the opinion that she was still working to achieve hero status. Should we be aware of what Or has done to so concretely earn that title to Ata? Or is it more that Ata personally considers her a hero because of the impact she’s had on her? Knowing that there’s a big long stretch of events that Or knows nothing about makes me think that something she’d done before leaving had earned her official hero status while she was gone? If that’s not the case, it might be helpful to clarify that it’s Ata’s regard for her that earns the term. I imagine this page would hit pretty hard for people who’ve read the other books, but I definitely feel like I’m not getting as much of the emotional impact as I’m supposed to because I haven’t spent that much time with Ata. I can see that this is a big deal for her, but when the main interaction I’ve had with her as she is now (as opposed to where she is in the intro) is that she’s been in a lot of meetings and is tired of it (relatable, but not hugely engaging) and that she’s more concerned about getting E into bed than she is about her friends’ well-being (she hopes they’re fine and has good reasons to believe they’re probably alright, but it’s still not the most appealing first impression). I’m just not entirely invested in her character at the moment. But I also don’t know how you introduce three books worth of context into the first half of a chapter in a way to feel the full impact of what she’s dealing with here. (insert helpless shrug emoji here) Pg 15: “Ata’s head fell back against the wall.” What wall? Pg 16: So E seems to interpret Ata’s description of Or as her childhood hero, which I’m assuming is more accurate than having something she’d done earn her hero status after she’d left Ne. It might be helpful to make that a little clearer above. “First… then send a ship.” This is not really helping my engagement with Ata and E. But I don’t know enough about the characters to know what makes sense. I almost want to see Ata say “no, I need to go take care of getting G4 here” as a sign that yeah, seducing E was the most important thing to do that day, but this has shaken her priorities. She’s just had this realization that is a BIG DEAL, where she knows she’s just about the only person who can walk Or through the world-shattering, life-changing knowledge she’s about to receive, but alright. Off to bed. I don’t know enough about E or Ata to know what fits their characters, but this ending isn’t exactly earning them points in my mind.

Hello, All! Thanks for all of your feedback on Chapter 2. Based on everyone’s thoughts there, I will be planning to combine that chapter with this one when I next revise this section. Content warning: mental health conditions (Reference to PTSD, depiction of panic attack). Not graphic, but I figured it couldn’t hurt to mention. Beyond general thoughts, the main things I’m looking for on this one are Whether or not this accomplishes some of the things that people were noticing in Chapter 2 in regard to various characters’ motivations. Al’s jumping in to help (does it seem like combining 2 and 3 would clarify his goals and motivations). The healer trying to put him to sleep. How do the political details come across? Clear enough? Too much info dump? Any other thoughts? Any spots where things lag or go on too long? Thanks so much!

Further proof that this needs to be combined with the next chapter, and more of the front-end general concern trimmed back. After all of the feedback I've seen here, one of my questions on the next chapter is definitely going to be whether or not it provides enough context to reach beyond "helpful guy who saves princess" I think it should, but I also hadn't realized how far this chapter pushes in that direction, so we'll see how it comes across. Just you wait, Henry Higgins. I'll be curious to know how you think the next chapter does in accomplishing these things. In theory, it should. But we'll see if it comes across like it's supposed to. Thanks!

I'd like a spot for Monday, please

Welcome back! I enjoyed this chapter a lot. As someone who hasn’t read the other books, I think this was helpful for getting the basics of what’s been going on elsewhere. Especially in the sense of knowing where Or-‘s expectations and goals match up with what’s actually happening. And also what she’ll be walking into when she manages to get in touch with At-. Pg 2: “other stats she didn’t understand.” Stats seems like an odd word choice here. I like that they basically have their own form of the annoying helpful paperclip from Word. “Noting that, she sat up” missing comma, I think? Also, animal fur dress and booties? I have questions. Why does she think they’re a hologram? “…hologram, well, she…” The way I’m interpreting her thought process here, I’m thinking it’s the sort of change of thought direction that would want an ellipses or em-dash. Or some physical reaction that’s signifying a change in thought direction. Or something. Something about it seems a little off. Pg 3-4: I assume the “hologram humor” on 4 is a reference to the repetition of “for research”? I think there is a little too much text in-between for that to be intuitive. Also, she’s now officially assuming they’re a hologram? But I’m still not sure why, or what that means to her. Oh, the annoying cheerfulness of animated user-interface-assistants. Pg 6-10: The helpless floundering through her thoughts and emotions on the call and desperately trying to process the information that’s being thrown at her is really great. Pg 12: “The call disconnected.” Ouch. Man. Just. Ouch.

All of this is making me think that this needs to be combined with the next chapter. I hadn't expected the healer's motivation to be as big of a sticking point for whatever reason, but that's clarified there with more of the magic conflict context. Make sure I check in after the next chapter submission to see if these questions/issues. I think combining the two will resolve a lot of these questions/issues. Just need to trim back some of the rest of it if it's all going to be one arc Fortunately, it seems like we have a good candidate for trimming back: Yeah. That's what I was worried about. That without more context regarding his more overarching motivations, it would jump straight to love-interest... Another reason to combine this with the next chapter, where there's more context to his insistence on jumping in to help. He's working under the assumption that the guards would have loyalty oaths to the royal family that puts the family's well-being first and foremost. Not so different from when he references his own oath to the king to earn the trust of the guard. Maybe that's where I need to add a little more context to why people are willing to take the oaths as proof of trustworthiness. Ultimately the consequences of breaking oaths are rather extreme, and while people can get away with it, most are terrified enough of being caught and held accountable for it to be proof enough in an emergency. The guards and the healer who comes to the room would be specifically in service of the royal family and bound by their oaths there. But the officials and field healers (while hopefully still loyal to the royal family) wouldn't have that extra layer of proof if their primary occupations aren't in service of the royal family. Do you think it would help at all if there hadn't been a week's gap between reading G and Is-'s conversation after the match, when he's trying to use the argument of "I'm more concerned about keeping my oath than about humoring your pride." to get her to agree to forfeiting the remaining match? Or had that gotten lost in the mix? Ultimately, this is why G is so aggressive when he thinks Al might have done something. Because G did end up giving in and humoring her pride because the risk he was expecting wasn't the one that was actually present. So now he's acting out of guilt and fear. Trying to figure out how much context about the oaths and their repercussions is needed here to keep it from being a sticking point for the reader before we get to where the consequences are directly dealt with. _ There are a couple other questions that I'll probably try to have you guys think back to after the next chapter, but I want to see how much of the information it gets across as-is if the two chapters were to be combined (and some of the middle part here trimmed) and how much might need a little extra context earlier on like the oaths seem to. Thanks, everyone!

1 (and sort of 2 as well). I was pretty well engaged throughout. I think some of the conversations could use some trimming and smoothing (or, in this case, un-smoothing, to add in some of the social awkwardness and emotion to fit a high school romance), but I was glad to see W confront N about what was going on and to see her put her foot down in regard to A’s social scheming. I like the changes in character dynamics that those conversations bring about and think the progress W is making in regard to figuring out her emotions and feelings about all involved (N and E are both nicer and more trustworthy than we thought. A is…not.) is great. 3. Some parts definitely do, and others are on the right track, but it could use a little more work. I included my thoughts on specific sections of the conversations below. Pg 1: On one hand I don’t think we need the transition away from the beach party. But I do like the observations about the changes and the “growing up” she sees from E. I wonder if adding that aspect into her conversation with E at the beach would give this chapter a cleaner opening jumping right into moving forward? I like the conversation between W and A going into page 2, but think it might go on longer than it needs to. I think it does a good job in stressing the disconnect between their personalities, where A just doesn’t even seem to really understand W’s introverted tendencies. I get the sense that they aren’t as close as they used to be and have sort of grown in different directions and don’t really know how to deal with it. And while I don’t think that needs to be brought in here, if you keep the observations about E’s growing and maturing at the beginning, it seems like it might be a fitting place for W to acknowledge some of that. Especially since she is reaching the point of being fed up with A's social manipulations. Pg 2: I’m confused about what the final paragraph here is trying to say. Just some typos/misplaced words. Pg 3: I like that this conversation takes place in a setting that shows W’s strengths, where usually she seems off-balance in social situations. Even if it’s mostly of a reason to have them run into each other. It makes sense for her to be more comfortable talking to him “on her ground” than out somewhere else. In regard to romance here, I do think there could be a little more emphasis on W being a little nervous about him suddenly appearing, if she’s been thinking about him a lot but hasn’t quite figured out what she feels about him. Even if it’s just a brief moment of nervous embarrassment before burying herself in comfortable math explanations to avoid the things she is having trouble processing. Also, it says “prom” here, but I thought it had been homecoming. Pg 4/5: Once N compliments W here, it makes sense for her to get pulled back out of being math-focused and getting a little more nervous and embarrassed again. Though I might suggest adding a line stressing that she doesn’t know what to make of him complimenting her. It’s implied to some extent, but mentioning that she’s only really used to compliments from E and her parents could suggest general self-conscious nervousness instead of attraction-specific nervousness. The “it’s kind of awkward to say.”/ “no pressure, then” exchange seems a little out of place here. Both because I don’t think of N as finding too many things awkward to say and because “But I am curious,” seems like it contradicts the “no pressure” comment. It flow a little more smoothly to cut those two lines. And I had a similar thought with “Are you saying…?”/ “What do you think…?” Jumping straight to “You didn’t ask anyone else out?” and internalizing her confusion would probably convey her shock better. Through this whole section, I think the surprise and confusion on both sides would be conveyed better by shortening some of their sentences. The longer, more well-thought out sentences seem too calm and collected for the nervousness and tension I’d expect between them while they’re trying to get on the same page. I’d expect a little more uncomfortable blurting out of thoughts than carefully precise sentences. Pg 7: “If you’re curious, I didn’t do it” He seems far less concerned about what she thinks than I’d expect if he likes her. Pg 8: Having her actually say “It’s still hard to believe nobody lies where you’re from” seems a little awkward. I think it would work to have her jump straight to “that’s not the point” or internalize some sort of confused disbelief instead of saying it. “go through my Taekwondo…” this is the mindset I would have expected above when she first sees N as well. The sort of “I don’t know how to handle emotions about boys, but I do understand math.” Pg 9: “…I’m amazed anyone at all is able to make it through.” Hah. Yeah. I’m with ya, W. Dumb emotions. Making life difficult for perfectly practical people. The urgency in her call with A here does a much better job of conveying her emotions/distraction/etc. than her conversation with N before. There’s probably more frustration and sass here due to their history (and less internalizing/overthinking what a boy might be thinking) but I think the shorter sentences/blunter responses/etc. would be beneficial above as well to show W’s emotion in her conversation with N. Pg 10: “I could go through why the lack of stigma…” Hah. This response is pretty much exactly the sort of thing I’d expect from her. “…beep of the call dropping.” Ugh. Relatable. I don’t think W needs to chime in to comment and prompt A to continue quite as much as she does. Pg 11: “…convinced myself that E and N were going to leave if I trusted them…” I’m not sure what she’s saying here. If she trusted them with what? Pg 12: “cool off steam” should be either “cool off” or “blow off steam” I believe. “accidentally called him and was too scared to try it again.” Hah. Also relatable. Dumb phones. I feel like W’s voice at the beginning of her call with E doesn’t quite fit what we usually see from her. “…ran out of patience…” and “…before anxiety eats me alive.” Chalk up two more on the relatable tally. Pg 13 Goofy smile at the beginning of the call with N is good on the romantic interest front. Would also expect some other physical nervous response. Both from the romantic interest front and the apologizing for making rude assumptions about people front. Fidgeting, sweating, heart racing. Something along those lines. Pg 14: “Aren’t you angry?” I’d expect him to at least be irritated, if only because it damaged W’s opinion of him. Even if he is aggressively understanding of A’s rumors. “Anything else you want to talk about” seems almost like passive-aggressive prompting to explain some other mysterious conflict between them. I think the transition between his relief and her asking him to homecoming could be a little smoother from a verbal standpoint. And I think the shift from nervousness about asking to his nervous response to both of them talking calmly and rationally is a little too sudden. I’d expect to see more of that nervous fidgeting/bluntness/etc. here if they’re both nervous and shy and excited about the dance. “I’m looking forward to it” doesn’t seem all that formal, but I do like the idea of the rational side of her brain kicking in to blurt out some overly formal closing to the conversation then continuing with the overthinking of it on 15.

You certainly don't need to delve into all of those questions. When I go into critique mode, I tend to wander into world-building-pondering mode and just ask a million questions about how the world works. But there's no feasible way to actually answer them all in the text. Mostly I just toss them out there as a sort of brainstorming prompt or something. Depending on what you're trying to convey to the reader, they may be useful for you as the creator of said world to think about. And they may be entirely irrelevant to the story you're trying to tell, in which case you're welcome to just ignore them I've found in my own writing that it can be helpful to spend some time thinking about how those sorts of questions might shape the characters and provide opportunities to add bits of color and definition to the world, to make the characters feel more real. The detail of this or that distant relative owning the company where employees are about 90% vampires is one point where I think this is done well here. It gives an automatic sense of how the vampire community tends to stick among itself and look out for its own without a ton of page time away from the main story you're trying to tell. I think that came across pretty well. I didn't comment on it because I think a lot of other people here will have more helpful feedback on how its presented than I would (and because I had already rambled on about a lot of things). I did have a sort of concern (though concern feels like too strong of a word...) about the sleepover memory, where it's addressing both D's human vs. vampire conflict and the aro vs. alloromantic conflict (is that the right term? Someone please correct me if not.) and I would be cautious about conflating those things. The way things are set up now, that's going to be difficult to do, because the way they're set out falls along similar lines. I'd almost want to see someone from the human community pointed out as a contrast to her vampire community. A human friend who is aro, but it's accepted by their community. D still might feel alienated from the person based on other human vs. vampire cultural misunderstandings, and alienated from other vampires because of her disconnect with their soulmates thing, but I think having a contrast between those two conflicts (or to focus in on one and not try to deal with both) is important.

Welcome! Always nice to have new members of the group! Overall: The writing overall (beyond my obsession with overanalyzing verb tenses) is really smooth and readable. I would say that I didn’t entirely get the feeling that the story felt complete, but I think that’s partly because I didn’t get the sense of significant change in D’s view of the world from beginning to end. She starts out being skeptical of the social pressures put on her to be with B, and at the end, she has given in to those social pressures. However, I didn’t get a good sense that it was some notable change in her beliefs or view of the world that pushed her to that, and am not entirely convinced that she is fully on board with the decision. She seems to want to do something different from what is standard for vampire culture after B has been turned, but if that’s the case, I think the more interesting question isn’t whether or not she gives into the social pressure to turn B but what happens next? Does she feel like she fits better into the vampire social structure? Does she develop the weird obsession with B that everyone expects her to have? Where’s it leave B? The question that the story covers seems relatively simple for the word count, and isn’t as interesting to me as the question of what her decision at the end means for all involved. The dialogue feels natural, but I don’t have as much sense of who the characters are as I’d like. I like the hints I get of D, but feel like I don’t really understand her all that much since the main aspect of her that we see is will she or won’t she turn B into a vampire? I think there are some really interesting worldbuilding aspects here that I would love to see dug into more. Or just to have the gaps filled in. There’s a lot of focus on the soulmate/heart transfer aspect of it, but I’d be really interested to see how that impacts the rest of vampire culture and what they’re all doing for eternity now that they’ve gotten the thing that Dad seems to think is the most important detail figured out. Pg 1: I think we need to know about the vampire involvement earlier. The cutting out of hearts (or even the more standard human reproduction process) is not something I generally associate with vampire myths, so I was just really confused and concerned about why we were performing surgery on seemingly dead babies, and how dark this was going to get with the creepy, obviously-in-denial parents, or potential cult-sacrifice-y sorts of behaviors. “measly eleven-and-a-half” I’m not sure what this phrase is supposed to imply beyond telling us her age. Pg 2: I’m not sure what to take from the paragraph about the family moving around a lot (though that on its own isn’t a problem). The warm, supportive upbringing is clear, but I don’t see where her mom picking up and going to travel the world fits into that. I feel like without some reason for the moves, it hints at a sort of restlessness or trying to escape something that seems to contradict what we’re being told. It’s hard to tell what we’re supposed to take as just D’s perception and what we’re supposed to take as actual reality. Also, the “whenever unable to approach her parents with a concern” seems like it’s referring to someone older than eleven. Also, the last sentence of that paragraph, as well as the line from her father following it, do a verb tense jump. The jump to present tense in the new scene seems a little more natural, especially starting off with the “Now an adult” clarification. I get a good feel for the “all of the vampires know all of the other vampires” sort of setting at the start of this scene, which is helpful, and makes a little more sense of some of the previous scene. Pg 3: “another employee” I assume this is saying that B is an employee at the café, but at first glance, my mind is torn between this being “another employee” at the HVAC company, in which case, how does she know that? And the line referring to D as an employee of the café, when we’ve just been told she works elsewhere. I like the initial interaction between D and B being not really between them but between D and the more abstract “her heart” “tight-lipped teeth” this comes across strangely. I assume it’s supposed to be stressing the vampire-ness of it by referring to teeth, but I can’t get past the “teeth have lips?” thought. I like the idea of using phrasing that reflects the toothiness of vampires, but combining it with tight-lipped seems distracting. You’ll want to go carefully through her remembered conversation with her father to make sure verb tenses are correct. If the whole piece here was in past tense, I’d jump up on my past-perfect-tense soapbox, but it gets a little more complicated when this portion of the piece is in present tense, referring to the conversation in the past. I think normal past tense is mostly fine (maybe? There’s a reason I don’t write present tense. The overthinking would make me crazy), but you’d at least want past-perfect for “when she had finally pried the information out…” or possibly “after she’d pried the information out…” for further clarification and accuracy. I’m not sure if the “Her father twisted his hand to demonstrate…” should have D’s thoughts in present tense, or if these were her thoughts at the time of the conversation with her father. Might want to make sure that what you’re getting at there comes across a little more clearly. You could also rework those paragraphs to make sure there’s one clear “past narrative” within the “present narrative” to simplify things. Pg 4: “if D did not meet her father later that evening” goes into the same box as above, where you might want to rework the paragraph a little to make the consistency of verb tenses simpler. Pg 5: “pack of frozen blood”: So they drink tea, but also blood? Also, this begs the question of where the blood is coming from, though that seems like it would probably be a distraction from the story you’re telling. Also, I find it a little difficult to believe that her dad’s exuberance could be put off through the process of tea-making. Dad seems far more pushy about this than I feel like he should be. Which might be the point, but I feel like there should be a clearer indication of that. I get the impression (based on Mom’s absence) that things between him and D’s mom aren’t as magically perfect as he seems to expect from these vampire matches. But Mom’s absence is only briefly mentioned and we aren’t given enough explanation or reaction to that detail for me to really be sure of that. If he is super enthusiastic about D’s match as a sort of denial of how his own life is going and hoping D will prove that the system isn’t broken, I’d want more indication of that. If he’s actually just super enthusiastic about D’s match, what’s going on between him and Mom? Are they actually on good terms? Or is he just a sort of mindless drone created by the heart transfer thing? The childish petulance described in his tone at one point seems to suggest something’s a little off beyond him being overenthusiastic. I think there is good groundwork set out for the takeaway to go in any number of directions, but as a reader I’m feeling a little lost as to what we’re supposed to be expecting at this point. Pg 8: I don’t really get a good sense of who D is outside what she does or doesn’t feel about B and what’s expected of her. And we don’t really even get that much from B. What does he think of this whole thing? He seems nice enough. Does she have friendly feelings toward B (or anyone else for that matter) outside the matter of the whole heart transfer thing? I think the main thing that bothers me about the premise is that it seems to be all or…nothing? Maybe? There isn’t really an alternative mentioned. You end up with your soulmate and bring them into the vampire family circle. Other than the point that D doesn’t really understand the girls at the sleepover (which, to be fair, I was never really comfortable with sleepover gossip either), I don’t really know how the vampires interact with the rest of the world. They go to cafes. They travel. They go to school among humans. They work with humans to some extent, even if the population percentages are pretty skewed. But there’s no mention of anyone else D interacts with beyond Dad. Where did the rest of the supportive social circle she grew up with go? It just seems like even if this is a huge thing in vampire culture, it isn’t the only thing (or what are they doing with the other 90% of their time?) and I think that makes the world feel less lived in than it could. We get interesting parts of it, but it doesn’t feel like the rest of it is filled in. Pg 9: I feel like there is supposed to be more significance to the ring than I am getting. Pg 10: “…something important you must know.” Is this just talking about the story of how Mom and Dad met? It feels like it’s a setup for something bigger. And if Dad is as obsessed about all of the vampires making their proper matches as he seems to be, I’d expect D to be well aware of the story of how they met. Pg 11: “she asks him to wait until after he’s eaten.” That just seems cruel if she (correctly) thinks the vague “Can we talk?” message might have made him anxious or set him on edge. Pg 12: “Sounds like fun. Living forever, right?” This pushes me back to the thoughts that Dad’s obsession over D’s relationship seems a little off. What about B’s family and friends and relationships? And if D isn’t really even all that sure how she feels about him, is she so willing to pull him away from the loving relationships that he already has (not so different from the ones she has with her vampire connections) with other humans? I’d like to see a little more of how this is going to effect B.

Pg 1: Might need to clarify the pov a little more at the beginning here. I’d assumed it was in C’s pov because she’s the initial person described, but as we get into the scene more, it seems to switch to V’s perspective. Pg 2: This contrast between what V sees as normal and what C sees as normal is really helpful. This is the sort of distinction I’d been thinking would be helpful in earlier versions when we needed a little more clarification on what’s strange just by virtue of being part of the town and what C finds strange even by the town’s standards because she thinks it’s the curse “the floor sparkles” I want a mopdog. Mud season is not kind to my floors. Pg 3: It’s also helpful to see C starting to recognize the strangeness of the town. Maybe starting to figure out that the curse has affected more than she thought. Would she think of her friend’s mom by her first name? I had a moment of confusion here placing the name M. “…but C is sure she’s not imagining it. But it would be rude…” A little repetitive as written. Pg 4: I appreciate that even while demanding information, C stays in character instead of shouting and making accusations. She seems to still be optimistic about the intentions of others, even when she’s gotten to the point of demanding answers. I think this comes across most clearly when she’s literally wedging her foot in the door, then apologizing for bothering G-M Pg 5: “I sleep down the hall from it.” Seems like a pretty solid reason. Soooo…the things that have had some sense of life restored are the things becoming fuzzy? I’d gotten the vague sense of that before, but this ties those things together nicely…Hmmmm…. Definitely makes me lean further into my theory that V is the hero from her school essay. “For good measure…” Hah. G-M clarifying the Mum vs. M question here makes C referring to M by her first name above seem even more out of place Pg 6: “G-M wants to tear the world apart…That’s normal.” Hah. No wonder she stresses me out. But beyond that, the calling out of what is normal and what isn’t is again really helpful. “When she becomes a hollowed-out shadow of herself…” Oh. I mean. I suppose that gives her some excuse for some general grumpiness. Pg 7: “If she must burn…” I like this line. Definitely makes the motivations for G-M’s behavior really clear. “The B parents are useless as usual…” Man. Rude much? But, you know, also pretty accurate. Pg 9: “C is smarter than that…” hooray! “snide brat…” couldn’t have said it better myself, V. I do just want to give C a pat on the head for her hopeful optimism, though. Pg 10: Unfortunately, once we’re going into in-depth discussion of how she’s going to get her perfect scores, I’m losing focus a little. I think partly because I know G-M is making up the requirements and partly because having high stakes tied into getting homework done properly is less engaging to me as an adult than it probably would have been as a kid. I think you can trim back a lot of the detail from 9-10 while keeping the key points (with V’s help, most of the subjects will be manageable, and stressing that the essay is going to be the real challenge), and that would tighten that up to get a stronger sense of her determination to succeed without getting bogged down in specific homework assignments. 1) Points of engagement? Any boring/annoying bits? Mostly mentioned above, but I was engaged pretty much up until page 10. I like seeing more distinctions of what is “normal” in the town and what is unusual enough for C to be blaming the curse. Also like that she’s recognizing some of the strangeness of things she thought were normal. 2) Any bits that were confusing or didn’t make sense? I don’t think so 3) GM? What a jerk! But, you know, in the best ways. And for reasons that definitely make a lot of sense in an MG setting. I think she works really well here and makes a good, clear antagonist for C. I don’t think she needs to be dialed up more. I’m not sure if she needs toning down or if that's just because she reminds me too much of a horrible girlfriend my brother had in high school. Plus she really pushes all of my "Why can't people just be nice to each other?!" buttons. But that's her job here, so I suppose she's doing it well. Really enjoying reading these chapters. I love the strangeness of the world and seeing the mysteries start to get unraveled bit by bit.

Hello, All! Thanks to everyone who offered input on Chapter 1! It’s really helpful in knowing what things need to be ironed out and what is still missing there. In chapter 2, we have our second PoV character, who (by virtue of being immediately in over his head) should have clearer up-front goals and motivations than Is-. Do you feel like there’s enough sense of his personality and longer-term goals presented here? Is there any information that seems to be missing that should have come in here or in Chapter 1? We also start getting a little more about the magic system here. Do you have any thoughts about how it is introduced? Are there things that need more clarification at this point? Some of it will come in the next chapter, but I’m not sure what might feel like it’s missing here. Other than that, any feedback is helpful! Content tags for Chapter 2: mild language, mild violence, mild gore Thanks!

I need to figure out a better way to work this in. With the current storyline layout, R and Is don't have many scenes where they're directly interacting like this, so I've shoved more details of the conflict between them into the opening paragraphs here than I would have liked to. But I do see how that has made things confusing. Definitely good to have that pointed out. Thanks!

The extent of my knowledge of them comes from them being basically meme-ified in various gaming reviews or youtube videos by people who throw in references now and then. Which means that this fits pretty much perfectly into my very limited understanding of the games.

Can I have a slot for Monday as well?

Woo! Progress! Thanks! Good to know. I think after the effects of the poison went almost entirely unnoticed last time around, I probably doubled down on this a little too much here. Seems like it's coming across early enough that I can trim things back more than I thought I'd be able to. I know you're still skeptical of there being any need for a prologue, but if there were to be a prologue that addresses Al's parents' deaths, stressing how it represents the conflict between the duchy and the royal family regarding the magic laws (but, you know, better than the painful early attempts), do you think that would be enough to provide the background context to avoid a lot of page space for it here? Still trying to figure out the best ways to introduce what information when. Yeah. I want to move that and her fears of ending up with R's title closer to the front, but haven't figured out a natural-seeming way to do that yet. I was afraid that might need a little more there for it to be clear. Thanks!

Are we all on break this week? Seems like things have been rather active here so early in the week. A lot of my thoughts echo what other people have said, so I’ll probably try to be brief on those things. Without knowing where things are going, I’m hesitant to say that there should be more of some things or less of others. Right now, I think it’s struggling from the same sorts of things my prologue was, where it’s trying to do too many things at once (introducing the setting, some political background, some characters, a bunch of names, some lore, some magic, an important event), and the important things are getting drowned out by details that might be better to introduce in the main story. I see some of the things I think you’re trying to introduce, but there’s just a lot of it, so it ends up being overwhelming. I’ve very intentionally not touched my prologue while working on revisions to my early chapters because I want to figure out what things in those chapters aren’t coming across strong enough, or what aspects of the world and setting might be more naturally introduced apart from the main storyline. Will that be a helpful approach? I don’t know. If it is, I can let you know in a few weeks and would be glad to chat/whine/rant about figuring out how to put a useful prologue together if you’d like. Pg 1: I like the hints we’re given at the crystals/magic system, and am really looking forward to learning more about how that works. I like the hints at political intrigue that N is mentioning in regard to M, though the specifics aren’t sticking enough for me to hang onto it. Pg 2: Other than being told that seeing the RA means that K is “moving forward with the plan” it’s hard to tell what’s actually going on or what N is concerned about, and there’s no indication of why the RA signals this, or what it means to N in a practical sense (except that it seems to mean that he has to challenge his brother, but that’s not clear til the end) Pg 3: Some of the dialogue feels off. I think it’s just going a little too far in the direction of trying to accurately portray the dropped words and the sort of slang (though I don’t feel like that’s quite the right word here) of a casual conversation between people who are close. Some of that is good, but I think there’s a little too much of it here. Especially to come from royalty, where even casually, they’re probably going to reflect their education and any formality that has been trained into them. Pg 4: The description of S is one thing that makes this seem less like a prologue and more like a regular chapter. It’s detailed enough that my brain automatically adds him to a sort of “significant characters circle” that it starts to build in Chapter 1. That may be relevant in this case, since he’s one of the ones you’d asked for more feedback on, but it’s still putting my brain in Chapter 1 mindset instead of Prologue mindset, where I don’t expect as many detailed descriptions of this sort. Part of that is not having a back-of-book summary of where things are going to know what characters we’ll be following in the main story. Pg 5: Both Z and S seem to assume that N is at least considering challenging J, but I haven’t gotten any clear reason why J would be a bad/problematic/something Holy Ruler or why N would be a better one. Pg 6-7: More political intrigue details that I want to be excited about but can’t tie together clearly enough to make sense of them. 1. It’s fun to see something other than a standard vaguely-European setting, but I don’t have a clear indication of what exactly the setting will be beyond that. I get desert and head wraps and a society that is pretty gender-segregated, but I’d probably need more than that to get a good feel for what I think about it. 2. Not sure. I don’t think this prologue is necessary, but it’s possible that something different would work well, depending on what the story needs. 3. I think the clearest things are physical descriptions, but I don’t have a good sense of what any of them are trying to work toward, since most of their discussion is revolving around not wanting N to challenge J, when we aren’t sure of what reasons he would want to challenge him. What we do get is interesting, but without knowing where we’re going from here, I’m not sure what to think of them beyond that. 4. Not enough things we can grasp onto and start nailing down. 5. I expect (and am hoping for) magic, political intrigue, and some amount of focus on family dynamics. But without knowing what direction we go from here, I can’t say too much more on that front. Hah. Glad I'm not the only one who does this. "....there was a reason, I promise..." Anyway, looking forward to seeing where things go with this!

Good to know There's too much going into the reasons of why it irks her (and therefore, why he keeps doing it) to go into it in chapter 1, but I think hanging a lantern on the use of it being intentionally teasing (and clarifying that he's addressing her) will work until it makes more sense for the wider context to come in.