leapfrog

I don't think so Mostly. I agree w the point about C not asking questions about V is a bit weird. Some of GM's points at the end felt a bit weird? Like it seemed like she kept going back and forth between her usual confidence and then, like, desperation. I feel like it might be smoother if she toned both down a little. I think in general this chapter is a bit slower than the last one -- a lot of things happened last time, but it feels like things have calmed down and I've lost a bit of the sense of tension pg 1 "own devices for the evening": oh dear... I'm a bit worried pg 3 - I thought C was gonna start calling them like "not-mother" or whatever lol pg 4 abt V: so the parents knew! a life was sacrificed to make V? Am I understanding this correctly? And C isn't commenting on that? "Give regards to.." -> ??? I thought she left him and the AH, why would she give him her father's regards pg 5 "T just stares at C": this is so sad pg 7 on GM needing to be the "monster": I didn't quite get this. Why does she need to be the monster? pg 8 room tilting - did something happen? is GM OK? pg 9 the two paragraphs with GM going "Finally," and the one where she goes "Wait! You need me!" -> these were the bits I was talking abt in question 2 and how I thought it was a bit awkward, or that she was going a bit over the top or something pg 11 T asking how long C will stay - didn't quite get why T was asking that, though it gives me this sad and ominous sense

Confusing: The energy thing, I guess. And also when the T interlude took place. Also what happened with T messing up her sacrifice, but I assume we'll get more on that later. Nothing was particularly boring I think so yep I think we could get more of an explanation on the difference between intelligence and insight for T's sacrifice, otherwise it makes sense. I liked that she was proud of coming up with the answer. I thought that was a good decision C made, turning down the AH. I'm excited to see where it'll go Would she not be able to return to the AH ever again? It seemed very final. Is it because they're worried C will do something terrible since she can't/won't ever sacrifice anything? I didn't make very comments as I went through reading, but I thought the end of 12 was very ominous and I liked that. Also, not sure if I'm getting this right, but it seems like the C people are supposed to be the only ashen sentient things? But then there's V? (And MD, too, I guess.) Is that common? (Are they why C might not be able to return to the AH?)

I think the start was a little slow, with GM trying to figure out what to do. It might be because I've forgotten stuff, but some of the info at the confrontation and onwards had me confused. I was surprised at GM's reveal, and I'm not quite sure why she did that. Also, why are they trying to get rid of C? Just because she's asking questions and the other youth are uncomfortable? Seems a bit drastic lol. Also, wouldn't it have made more sense to just tell C stuff (or enough stuff, if not everything) to have her not "dredge up such unpleasantness"? I did like seeing them interact before getting caught by the adults, though! Their dynamic is kinda fun. Yeah, I like that we're getting new info, but like I said I'm a little confused. I agree that the ending could be a bit more impactful with the reveal! pg 1 - "making her blink..." this bit at the start felt a bit weird to me, because it's not really happening lol pg 2 - just realized GM's name is from her parents LOL pg 3 - all this emphasis on the 'before' is really making me wonder how long ago 'before' is? At some points it seems like it was a long time ago, and others it seems a lot more recent pg 4 - no comment from C about V being from the WS? I forgot C fed feathers lol but I thought in V's introduction, he said he was from outside of the town (and that C to some degree believed him). What does she mean by "Is he another [of V]?" I guess in general I'm still confused about what V is. pg 6 - I liked C remarking on how she knew all these people. Also, might be forgetting things again, but the "burning ideas" seems new to me lol pg 7 - "incandescent rage" lol nice I liked this In general C-tine seems very mysterious, and I'm interested to see how he fits into everything.

I think it's better - I think it's a lot more concise, and I like the addition of the town meeting here. Seems like it's important and having some lead-up is good...! Although we'll have to see whether she goes lol. Not for me Yep! I mean, we still don't know what's up with T, but that's supposed to be still in the dark, so. I wonder if we'll get more from GM on why she reached out to C? I can't imagine that was an easy decision for her. I still really like her, lol. She's probably my fav character pg 3 - the part about learning manipulation and whatnot in school made me laugh pg 4 - oh, so D did introduce the two of them to the WS (whatever that means) pg 5 - "cross-purposes" ngl I don't think I've ever heard that before lol pg 6 - C and GM are gonna work together?! super excited to see how that'll go through, haha. also "given up completely" is interesting... given up on what exactly? their future? pg 7/8 on C's energy - ok wait so is the energy from the people in the town maybe? ex if they’re pent up then C is too or something.... that could kinda complicated wrt C's individuality, but I feel like her energy has gotta be connected to the town or the WS or something. maybe a select number of people from the town (her generation)? I think I'm getting this impression from the description on the three other kids being really out of it (GM being super tired, E wobbly, T sort of quiet), and from prev. ideas of C being some kind of embodiment of the town :thinking:

I really enjoyed this chapter!! It felt like things were starting to pick up, and I particularly enjoyed GM's inner thought process about E and T being inducted to the stove... that's progress right :0 I guess whatever T took from the airplane-house must have been what set T off? Because other it being from the stove, there's nothing particularly off about it, so while going there seems like an important step, it didn't really seem very conclusive. And about characterization, I think I was a bit thrown off by C being embarrassed? I didn't think she was particularly embarrassed from the marks trick... pg 2 - E isn't commenting about how it's bad to break into a barn or something? Like there was a bit of a "why can't you talk to T" but I figured there'd be some more... "maybe breaking into someone else's property could have negative consequences if you get caught and maybe have a backup plan" or something lol. The "chance with T" thing was funny tho lmao I wasn't expecting that pg 3 - isn't the current generation like four people? I wouldn't really have expected E and T to not be the first set of dates. Also I was worried about an hour not being enough "Mayor's son" -> oh? seems important? pg 4 - "two children to the WS" :00 digging this vibe, I'm really interested in what introducing them means. Also around here I was thinking if GM and C would somehow team up? Eventually? pg 8 "trick" -> the embarrassment thing I mentioned earlier pg 10 - love the bit on popularity pg 11 - "saying things that are true" -> what’s true? I don’t buy that she believes GM should be popular—C believes that pushing the MD on E isn’t fair? I liked seeing C realize and stand up to GM though!

Nah, I think it general these chapters are just a little bit less tense or eventful than the previous ones. Some of the scenes (like w V and MD) are pretty short too so it doesn't seem like much happens. There were a few parts where I was confused, but I'll get to that I don't get what you mean by this haha The fire tenders thing was new, but nothing else was really surprising or anything. It didn't come out of nowhere. I think I'm most interested in the 'sacrifices' thing that GM mentioned earlier and what specifically the adults have to do with the WS. And I guess at what point the children become adults/included in what's going on (I think that has something to do with C, but idk). pg 1 "sad" -> weddings are sad? Mrs. F sounds like a super annoying teacher. the sentence w "routines of school" kinda felt a bit off to me pg 2 - I feel like the thing w E is going to backfire on C and she'll lose her last friend lol pg 5 - I'm a bit confused as to why C is realizing that the week was a waste now? Why did she realize that now? Like I'm not quite following her thought process; I mean, I get that it was, but I didn't think she was there yet...? Also a similar thing w the trust bit later... though that might've been mentioned before and I'm just forgetting pg 6 "anxiety" hmm that seems important pg 7 - I didn't really get the point of MD's POV or what happened there pg 10 "not very long" -> I don't think I'm right, but... is V from the WS? Also in general, kinda the same thing as the bit with MD, I'm not sure what this was for. The village is a perfect circle? The WS is in the centre of the village? (Also, if that's a new development, shouldn't C already have known that her house is in the middle of the village? Why did we need V to find that out?)

Would you mind sending me the previous chapters?

I think it's better! I was still a bit thrown off by the ending, but I'll comment on that later Worked pretty well for me! I really liked the MD POV! I think starting his section w the simple sentences really set the tone, which was good Yeah - partway through I went 'oh, right, there was that convo with the other guy about trusting/not trusting C' which made me realize where T is coming from. I wasn't super clear on E and T's personalities before, but being like, middle school kids or whatever, the convo is pretty believable pg 1 "she's lying about the grades": just to be clear: lying about the grades being useful to C? pg 2 - i liked C's introspection/reflection, i thought that worked well last line on that page: still implies that doing well at school = learning abt the WS? the line felt a bit out of nowhere. is she ignoring V's advice? pg 3 - will MD's POV be recurring, or is this a one-time thing? pg 4 "cradles" - made me think 'four children??' along the lines of C having, like, dead siblings or something. pg 5 "protect her dog from her mother": what is C thinking her mother will do? why is her mother so mad? imo it feels like the mom is mad about more than just having her room cleaned for her :thinking: "congealed grey fluff": briefly made me think that MD was no longer a MD, something about the mom reverting him because he got kicked out The last line of the chapter was pretty funny to me lol. Overall, I've got a lot of questions and it doesn't seem like C is making a lot of progress in answering them. It's not too confusing that I can't follow along, and I think the story is still really fun, but I can't quite tell where exactly the story is going.

lol yeah me neither (unless you count annoyance maybe? though that was always more at specific people than alloromantic people in general) but I didn't really want D to go down the "what's wrong with me?" route Good points, thank you! Re: the ending, do you think it'd help if D liked B more as a person? Like not romantically, but if I showed that they got along more (rather than just mentioning it). I mean, it's supposed to be sad or uncomfortable, because she is giving into what her father/society expects of her, but I was also trying to go for the angle of D trying to find a compromise between what's important to her

Hmm I thought the storage room moment was interesting, and I loved GM's POV section (especially the line about burning/burning brightly!) before the phone call. In general, I'm enjoying the humour -- like the names, I think they're really cute and fun. And the line about V staring at the room -- I liked that! I didn't think the homework part was necessarily boring or annoying, but I was under the impression that GM was lying about grades giving you marks as a whole, so I wasn't too sure about where that's supposed to go. Setup for more curse information, maybe? And the phone call seemed a bit... sugary lol so it wasn't really for me. Noooo don't tone her down -- I loved this GM!! Was a highlight of the chapter for me lol. pg 1 finding dog food: the dog that died didn't need dog food (from this guy)...? pg 3 "have free run of the house": for some reason, this part about the clean house and Mopdog's effects gives me a very ominous feeling. pg 5 not remembering the dog that died - has the memory been collectively wiped from the town? That might explain the shopkeeper guy not knowing where dog food was :thinking: pg ~6: GM's personality here is great, I love it, but I've got some questions. Why was GM taken to feed the Wood Stove (makes it sound like it wasn't her choice; her parents told her to do that)? Why now? Why feed it? What does "lose herself" mean? Is that like a coming-of-age 'ritual'; is that why C's dad is round, etc.? And C being 'vibrant and whole' kinda contradicts what the teacher said earlier about not relying on C imo -- GM makes it sound like C will thrive where the rest of the town won't, but I was under the impression that C was going to disappear or something lol. I expect some of these qs will be answered later but that's what I'm thinking about pg 9 "C will not succeed": is she laughing because the homework thing is fake (C won't find out the truth by doing well in school) or because GM is confident C won't ever get high enough marks?

Did I forget something about vampires and wood...? What weapon would be from a wooden chair...? Sorry, what did you mean by that? Oh interesting... in an earlier draft of this I had D as being unique by being birthed -- I got rid of that because I couldn't quite make sense of it and it didn't go anywhere, lol. Plus I was worried her aromanticism/asexuality could be attributed to that 'uniqueness' rather than it just being a her thing. Thank you for your notes!!

If it's not too late, would it be possible for you to send me chapters 2 & 3?

Thank you all for your feedback!! Looks like I've a lot to think about By this, do you mean like more reflection on why D turned B? I was trying to go for D being aro -- did that come across any? Thanks for those questions -- I hadn't considered these at all (oops?). Could you expand on where you got the brainwashing thing from, or was it the premise itself? (I wasn't trying to expand much on B because I didn't really think his relationship to D was important wrt her conflict... but maybe that's where it came from?) Also yes please on the worldbuilding mechanics/vampires -- I know next to nothing about biology, so your notes were pretty interesting since I was just about handwaving everything, haha What implications are those? That it's unclean....? Also could you expand a bit on what about it was abrupt? Thanks for your comments on the beginning -- I was worried there was a bit of a tone shift or that it didn't fit, which seems to be the case.

In general, I'd like some opinions on general flow and consistency (does everything make sense/fit together?), and on the ending and whether or not the story feels complete. Some thoughts on the characters would also be great -- does the dialogue feel natural or do the characters' voices sound distinct? Do you like them? This is a short story I've got to hand in soon, so I'm open to just about any critique!

Could I have a slot too please?