leapfrog

I don't think so Mostly. I agree w the point about C not asking questions about V is a bit weird. Some of GM's points at the end felt a bit weird? Like it seemed like she kept going back and forth between her usual confidence and then, like, desperation. I feel like it might be smoother if she toned both down a little. I think in general this chapter is a bit slower than the last one -- a lot of things happened last time, but it feels like things have calmed down and I've lost a bit of the sense of tension pg 1 "own devices for the evening": oh dear... I'm a bit worried pg 3 - I thought C was gonna start calling them like "not-mother" or whatever lol pg 4 abt V: so the parents knew! a life was sacrificed to make V? Am I understanding this correctly? And C isn't commenting on that? "Give regards to.." -> ??? I thought she left him and the AH, why would she give him her father's regards pg 5 "T just stares at C": this is so sad pg 7 on GM needing to be the "monster": I didn't quite get this. Why does she need to be the monster? pg 8 room tilting - did something happen? is GM OK? pg 9 the two paragraphs with GM going "Finally," and the one where she goes "Wait! You need me!" -> these were the bits I was talking abt in question 2 and how I thought it was a bit awkward, or that she was going a bit over the top or something pg 11 T asking how long C will stay - didn't quite get why T was asking that, though it gives me this sad and ominous sense

Confusing: The energy thing, I guess. And also when the T interlude took place. Also what happened with T messing up her sacrifice, but I assume we'll get more on that later. Nothing was particularly boring I think so yep I think we could get more of an explanation on the difference between intelligence and insight for T's sacrifice, otherwise it makes sense. I liked that she was proud of coming up with the answer. I thought that was a good decision C made, turning down the AH. I'm excited to see where it'll go Would she not be able to return to the AH ever again? It seemed very final. Is it because they're worried C will do something terrible since she can't/won't ever sacrifice anything? I didn't make very comments as I went through reading, but I thought the end of 12 was very ominous and I liked that. Also, not sure if I'm getting this right, but it seems like the C people are supposed to be the only ashen sentient things? But then there's V? (And MD, too, I guess.) Is that common? (Are they why C might not be able to return to the AH?)

I think the start was a little slow, with GM trying to figure out what to do. It might be because I've forgotten stuff, but some of the info at the confrontation and onwards had me confused. I was surprised at GM's reveal, and I'm not quite sure why she did that. Also, why are they trying to get rid of C? Just because she's asking questions and the other youth are uncomfortable? Seems a bit drastic lol. Also, wouldn't it have made more sense to just tell C stuff (or enough stuff, if not everything) to have her not "dredge up such unpleasantness"? I did like seeing them interact before getting caught by the adults, though! Their dynamic is kinda fun. Yeah, I like that we're getting new info, but like I said I'm a little confused. I agree that the ending could be a bit more impactful with the reveal! pg 1 - "making her blink..." this bit at the start felt a bit weird to me, because it's not really happening lol pg 2 - just realized GM's name is from her parents LOL pg 3 - all this emphasis on the 'before' is really making me wonder how long ago 'before' is? At some points it seems like it was a long time ago, and others it seems a lot more recent pg 4 - no comment from C about V being from the WS? I forgot C fed feathers lol but I thought in V's introduction, he said he was from outside of the town (and that C to some degree believed him). What does she mean by "Is he another [of V]?" I guess in general I'm still confused about what V is. pg 6 - I liked C remarking on how she knew all these people. Also, might be forgetting things again, but the "burning ideas" seems new to me lol pg 7 - "incandescent rage" lol nice I liked this In general C-tine seems very mysterious, and I'm interested to see how he fits into everything.

I think it's better - I think it's a lot more concise, and I like the addition of the town meeting here. Seems like it's important and having some lead-up is good...! Although we'll have to see whether she goes lol. Not for me Yep! I mean, we still don't know what's up with T, but that's supposed to be still in the dark, so. I wonder if we'll get more from GM on why she reached out to C? I can't imagine that was an easy decision for her. I still really like her, lol. She's probably my fav character pg 3 - the part about learning manipulation and whatnot in school made me laugh pg 4 - oh, so D did introduce the two of them to the WS (whatever that means) pg 5 - "cross-purposes" ngl I don't think I've ever heard that before lol pg 6 - C and GM are gonna work together?! super excited to see how that'll go through, haha. also "given up completely" is interesting... given up on what exactly? their future? pg 7/8 on C's energy - ok wait so is the energy from the people in the town maybe? ex if they’re pent up then C is too or something.... that could kinda complicated wrt C's individuality, but I feel like her energy has gotta be connected to the town or the WS or something. maybe a select number of people from the town (her generation)? I think I'm getting this impression from the description on the three other kids being really out of it (GM being super tired, E wobbly, T sort of quiet), and from prev. ideas of C being some kind of embodiment of the town :thinking:

I really enjoyed this chapter!! It felt like things were starting to pick up, and I particularly enjoyed GM's inner thought process about E and T being inducted to the stove... that's progress right :0 I guess whatever T took from the airplane-house must have been what set T off? Because other it being from the stove, there's nothing particularly off about it, so while going there seems like an important step, it didn't really seem very conclusive. And about characterization, I think I was a bit thrown off by C being embarrassed? I didn't think she was particularly embarrassed from the marks trick... pg 2 - E isn't commenting about how it's bad to break into a barn or something? Like there was a bit of a "why can't you talk to T" but I figured there'd be some more... "maybe breaking into someone else's property could have negative consequences if you get caught and maybe have a backup plan" or something lol. The "chance with T" thing was funny tho lmao I wasn't expecting that pg 3 - isn't the current generation like four people? I wouldn't really have expected E and T to not be the first set of dates. Also I was worried about an hour not being enough "Mayor's son" -> oh? seems important? pg 4 - "two children to the WS" :00 digging this vibe, I'm really interested in what introducing them means. Also around here I was thinking if GM and C would somehow team up? Eventually? pg 8 "trick" -> the embarrassment thing I mentioned earlier pg 10 - love the bit on popularity pg 11 - "saying things that are true" -> what’s true? I don’t buy that she believes GM should be popular—C believes that pushing the MD on E isn’t fair? I liked seeing C realize and stand up to GM though!

Nah, I think it general these chapters are just a little bit less tense or eventful than the previous ones. Some of the scenes (like w V and MD) are pretty short too so it doesn't seem like much happens. There were a few parts where I was confused, but I'll get to that I don't get what you mean by this haha The fire tenders thing was new, but nothing else was really surprising or anything. It didn't come out of nowhere. I think I'm most interested in the 'sacrifices' thing that GM mentioned earlier and what specifically the adults have to do with the WS. And I guess at what point the children become adults/included in what's going on (I think that has something to do with C, but idk). pg 1 "sad" -> weddings are sad? Mrs. F sounds like a super annoying teacher. the sentence w "routines of school" kinda felt a bit off to me pg 2 - I feel like the thing w E is going to backfire on C and she'll lose her last friend lol pg 5 - I'm a bit confused as to why C is realizing that the week was a waste now? Why did she realize that now? Like I'm not quite following her thought process; I mean, I get that it was, but I didn't think she was there yet...? Also a similar thing w the trust bit later... though that might've been mentioned before and I'm just forgetting pg 6 "anxiety" hmm that seems important pg 7 - I didn't really get the point of MD's POV or what happened there pg 10 "not very long" -> I don't think I'm right, but... is V from the WS? Also in general, kinda the same thing as the bit with MD, I'm not sure what this was for. The village is a perfect circle? The WS is in the centre of the village? (Also, if that's a new development, shouldn't C already have known that her house is in the middle of the village? Why did we need V to find that out?)

Would you mind sending me the previous chapters?

I think it's better! I was still a bit thrown off by the ending, but I'll comment on that later Worked pretty well for me! I really liked the MD POV! I think starting his section w the simple sentences really set the tone, which was good Yeah - partway through I went 'oh, right, there was that convo with the other guy about trusting/not trusting C' which made me realize where T is coming from. I wasn't super clear on E and T's personalities before, but being like, middle school kids or whatever, the convo is pretty believable pg 1 "she's lying about the grades": just to be clear: lying about the grades being useful to C? pg 2 - i liked C's introspection/reflection, i thought that worked well last line on that page: still implies that doing well at school = learning abt the WS? the line felt a bit out of nowhere. is she ignoring V's advice? pg 3 - will MD's POV be recurring, or is this a one-time thing? pg 4 "cradles" - made me think 'four children??' along the lines of C having, like, dead siblings or something. pg 5 "protect her dog from her mother": what is C thinking her mother will do? why is her mother so mad? imo it feels like the mom is mad about more than just having her room cleaned for her :thinking: "congealed grey fluff": briefly made me think that MD was no longer a MD, something about the mom reverting him because he got kicked out The last line of the chapter was pretty funny to me lol. Overall, I've got a lot of questions and it doesn't seem like C is making a lot of progress in answering them. It's not too confusing that I can't follow along, and I think the story is still really fun, but I can't quite tell where exactly the story is going.

lol yeah me neither (unless you count annoyance maybe? though that was always more at specific people than alloromantic people in general) but I didn't really want D to go down the "what's wrong with me?" route Good points, thank you! Re: the ending, do you think it'd help if D liked B more as a person? Like not romantically, but if I showed that they got along more (rather than just mentioning it). I mean, it's supposed to be sad or uncomfortable, because she is giving into what her father/society expects of her, but I was also trying to go for the angle of D trying to find a compromise between what's important to her

Hmm I thought the storage room moment was interesting, and I loved GM's POV section (especially the line about burning/burning brightly!) before the phone call. In general, I'm enjoying the humour -- like the names, I think they're really cute and fun. And the line about V staring at the room -- I liked that! I didn't think the homework part was necessarily boring or annoying, but I was under the impression that GM was lying about grades giving you marks as a whole, so I wasn't too sure about where that's supposed to go. Setup for more curse information, maybe? And the phone call seemed a bit... sugary lol so it wasn't really for me. Noooo don't tone her down -- I loved this GM!! Was a highlight of the chapter for me lol. pg 1 finding dog food: the dog that died didn't need dog food (from this guy)...? pg 3 "have free run of the house": for some reason, this part about the clean house and Mopdog's effects gives me a very ominous feeling. pg 5 not remembering the dog that died - has the memory been collectively wiped from the town? That might explain the shopkeeper guy not knowing where dog food was :thinking: pg ~6: GM's personality here is great, I love it, but I've got some questions. Why was GM taken to feed the Wood Stove (makes it sound like it wasn't her choice; her parents told her to do that)? Why now? Why feed it? What does "lose herself" mean? Is that like a coming-of-age 'ritual'; is that why C's dad is round, etc.? And C being 'vibrant and whole' kinda contradicts what the teacher said earlier about not relying on C imo -- GM makes it sound like C will thrive where the rest of the town won't, but I was under the impression that C was going to disappear or something lol. I expect some of these qs will be answered later but that's what I'm thinking about pg 9 "C will not succeed": is she laughing because the homework thing is fake (C won't find out the truth by doing well in school) or because GM is confident C won't ever get high enough marks?

Did I forget something about vampires and wood...? What weapon would be from a wooden chair...? Sorry, what did you mean by that? Oh interesting... in an earlier draft of this I had D as being unique by being birthed -- I got rid of that because I couldn't quite make sense of it and it didn't go anywhere, lol. Plus I was worried her aromanticism/asexuality could be attributed to that 'uniqueness' rather than it just being a her thing. Thank you for your notes!!

If it's not too late, would it be possible for you to send me chapters 2 & 3?

Thank you all for your feedback!! Looks like I've a lot to think about By this, do you mean like more reflection on why D turned B? I was trying to go for D being aro -- did that come across any? Thanks for those questions -- I hadn't considered these at all (oops?). Could you expand on where you got the brainwashing thing from, or was it the premise itself? (I wasn't trying to expand much on B because I didn't really think his relationship to D was important wrt her conflict... but maybe that's where it came from?) Also yes please on the worldbuilding mechanics/vampires -- I know next to nothing about biology, so your notes were pretty interesting since I was just about handwaving everything, haha What implications are those? That it's unclean....? Also could you expand a bit on what about it was abrupt? Thanks for your comments on the beginning -- I was worried there was a bit of a tone shift or that it didn't fit, which seems to be the case.

In general, I'd like some opinions on general flow and consistency (does everything make sense/fit together?), and on the ending and whether or not the story feels complete. Some thoughts on the characters would also be great -- does the dialogue feel natural or do the characters' voices sound distinct? Do you like them? This is a short story I've got to hand in soon, so I'm open to just about any critique!

Could I have a slot too please?

I mean, ultimately, it's up to you if that's something you want to explore in the story/setting - just like any other racism presented in other fantasy works, if it's to a degree that a reader can't handle then they just.. won't read it lol. I guess just if there's a direction to it, that's all. But those are my 2 cents Ohh yeah, not fitting in either space is pretty common too, I feel you on that.

Yeah, it was the animal-like thing. I am... not good with biology, I will admit, but I think I get that explanation! Yeah, it's not really anything specific atm. I'm biracial and my thoughts on what few biracial/mixed-race characters I've seen in fiction are pretty complicated, so I don't want to get into that here lol, but it's really more of an instinctive caution seeing the unfriendliness. I think re: being visually distinct... well, it depends on what you mean by that lol. And ofc your experiences can differ from mine, but ime people don't normally assume I or the other biracial people I know are biracial or mixed-race -- people normally try to guess one specific race or ethnicity (and can end up wildly off mark, but that's neither here nor there lol). Gotcha, so the throne has to go to a guy. Here's to hoping Z will get her moment anyway

Can't comment much - for H, I got 'desert I think' and 'colosseum, so Roman-esque?' And since I read that this was inspired by Middle Eastern cultures, just thought I'd comment that I read something recently about someone saying that they're tired of seeing Middle Eastern-coded fantasy characters/settings being synonymous with 'from the desert', but that's all I got for you. I'm not really sure, considering I don't know what happens next. There's a lot I don't understand in this chapter, too. I don't think it's bad, necessarily, if N dies and then we move on with his siblings in a time skip or something. Might serve as interesting backstory or something. Although, to be fair, I don't really remember reading very many books with prologues, so I can't say much. Honestly, I got about S was that he was mixed-race and looked different. And he likes nature or something? And Z... she's physically strong? N seems kind of wishy-washy to me, tbh, but that might be because I don't really get his motivation for what he's doing this chapter or much of the background info on what M is doing or what the countries are up to. J seems pretty normal, like your smart and skilled brother who's going to rule the world (or country) lol. Way too little. Or, like, it introduces too much but doesn't elaborate on it all? Either way, I'm pretty lost on most of the political and societal background information. Yeah, I get the political fantasy drift. The magic -- and the stones? -- seem important, but not necessarily a huge huge focus (especially since there are already workarounds), so I don't particularly expect super complex magic. pg 1: I like your first line, specifically starting with "...going to die today"! It's pretty snappy imo. You lost me pretty quickly afterwards, like at "all of the reasonable possibilities..." in the same paragraph. I reread that sentence a few times and couldn't really follow what you were trying to say. pg 2: A bit confused on what M wants or is doing. I got that she was from K and then ran to N for help? "guilt of limiting himself...": made me go 'ooh why?' on the RA: seems like one person, but I think you mentioned N was looking for red cloaks, which makes it seem like multiple people? "Nobody could blame him..." this and the next sentence made no sense to me. I have no idea what it's referring to. pg 3: "...going to challenge him," -> I originally thought this meant challenge the RA and not J -- there's been a lot of information and names so honestly keeping track has been a bit difficult. pg 4: "mutt--or a calico" -> yeah, I did not like either of these descriptions. (Although apparently calico is also a fabric? Idk, I just think of cats.) Also, the whole skin splotches thing made me think of vitiligo - which I didn't really get what it had to do with being mixed-race, tbh. (I mean, I guess it's a fantasy thing? But imo the link could be made more clear.) Also, in general, I couldn't really follow what you were trying to say with the genetics thing, sorry. (Skin colour is decided by the mother's genetics? Is that it?) And if it's important, I guess it needs to be said somewhere, but it did seem like a bit weird timing to talk about all that now. And, honestly, it makes me kind of wary of where it will go in the story -- assuming S is a character who will get his own arc, what that means for him. pg 5: "better Holy Ruler..." -> so is J sponsored by the K army? Does S's identity factor in at all to his claim to the throne? on the equality thing: I don't quite follow what that's trying to establish. Something about sexism or feminism in this fantasy setting? normally there's sexism but in royalty there isn't? imo wouldn't sexism within the monarchy (i'm assuming it's a monarchy?) indicate how the rest of the society is structured, for sexism at least? Did Z get the same claim to the throne as well, but she doesn't want to challenge either? "father sons": but he could theoretically still father daughters? I feel like that doesn't quite line up with the whole "blessing or a curse" thing... or what that means. (I took it as some kind of reference to asexuality? But I'm not sure that's correct, though I did read that you said he was meant to be aro here.) ""immodest" green eye shadow": I thought the women were wearing green, so it would be a 'woman's' colour... or is the eye shadow the immodest part? pg 6: lol relatable @ the zoning out on the X country/empire: is H like a city-state within X lands? and forests have gods? interesting :eyes: on eye description: i thought you already described S's eyes, so doing it again here seemed a bit weird? "M didn't want him to die here": ok I'm confused why is he going to die now? i thought his brother was just becoming the king or smth, and he was going to challenge J? if he loses, he dies? what does that have to do with M? pg 8: it seems like an interesting setup, but frankly, I don't get N's motivation. It reads a bit like he's throwing his life away, and I don't get why.

To be honest, my main issue is that I'm not familiar with the characters and that I spent most of my time reading trying to figure out who was who and who was speaking or narrating. Also I agree about the kids' ages thing; I thought they were maybe mid-teens. The Last Day: pg 1 "the chain's links...": what chains? Once out of the italicized portion, I got confused about who was narrating, especially with the vagueness from "A voice" and so on. I feel like a name instead of just 'he' would have been nice. Also, I didn't get what the relation between the italicized part and the rest of it was. Also, the last line completely threw me off. Is it referring to like reincarnation? Because that's what I got from it. 59th of Winter: Once again, I was confused about the characters. It took me until the action for me to realize that T was part of the traitors. Other than there being a fight between guards and prisoners/traitors, I'm pretty lost. Some small comments: pg 2 "One of them was trying...": This sentence threw me off, it might be helpful to split it up. And I didn't get how the sentence with "felt the cold metal begin..." related to the next sentence. pg 3 "He had decided to expedite...": Who's 'he'? And who is M (and why does/did she matter)? 60th of Winter: pg 1 "C stood beside her": Reading this, I thought 'her' was meant to the council... a name sooner would have been nice imo. It took me until the end of this page to figure out who was who lol. pg 2 "I mean, what...": You were asking about dialogue, I think, and this part stood out to me. It seemed a bit like a sudden switch from the councilman talking all formally and then going a bit more informally. pg 3 "It came to P...": I didn't get why she was suddenly having a flashback. Was it something the councilman said, and if so, what? Re: letting the kids go after their father (if I'm not mistaken): why would the councilmen do that? Aside from the kids being five thing, my immediate thought was that they're the immediate family of the traitor. Wouldn't there be some concern of a conflict of interest or allegiance? I understand that he killed their mother, but even so...

Can't comment because I didn't read the last version :^) Hm... I don't know if I'm connected to her, but I like her well enough! I think one of my comments as I was reading was like "oh, she's cute :)" I think the plot seems pretty straightforward right now - figure out if she's actually cursed, and if so, what to do about it. No other issues imo but I just wanted to comment on how I liked the way you set up the atmosphere of the story - a little bit mysterious and otherworldly, but still real enough :^) Some other comments: pg 2 "she doesn't have much free time": is this referencing something? I don't really get how it relates to T needing to prove herself pg 3 "It might not just be the soil": I'm not sure why sound = not the soil, especially when earlier you said that it was 'eerily' still pg 3 abt the cursed land: I'm kind of confused as to what this curse is - I originally thought it was just making the land around the town barren, but it can hurt people? (Also, is the town completely self-sufficient? I'm getting the impression that it's very isolated.) pg 4 "making something fun happen": this was the line that made me go "C is cute :')" pg 7 on introducing GM: when she was first name-dropped, I got confused. It did make me think she was about to become an antagonist, though, which the rest of the story seems to hold up at least a little? When I read the description of GM, though, I thought it was weird that she was being described on her second occurrence. Maybe consider placing one of the descriptions up when she's first mentioned and then keep some of the others where they are? pg 8 "The Boneyard": is that the name of the house? At first I thought that was the town's name, but then I remembered we got a town name already. Either way, some explanation on what it is would be nice. pg 9 on the dad's description: with the mysterious vibe already set up here, I'm having a bit of a hard time imagining her father and how much of it I should take literally lol. Is he a literal sphere? Does he have arms and legs? Is he no longer skin and flesh? pg 10 "Cold changes to hot": is there a connection b/w the temperature mention here and the cold when C left the town earlier? I assumed that earlier (in pg 1) she felt the cold once she stepped out of the town's... area, and that the cold was a part of the whole 'curse' deal.

Yes, probably! I like the restaurant setting, and I'm interested in the different types of creatures you've set up here. Goals: I agree - the family seems to be split in two with what they want (to fight back against the BK or to keep their head down and live as they can) while the BK wants to continue conquering the world. Obstacles: For now, I guess it's the conflict within the family? I wonder if they'll drag other characters into their conflict. And there's the revolutionaries' lack of success. Stakes: I think the stakes are clear; the family would be in danger if S continues with fighting back, and if nothing changes, their family could lose a lot of income from the taxes and so on. Tactics: It seems to me that Ir's goal isn't actually that... active? To me, I could see her either joining the revolutionaries after some time -- to 'protect her sister' maybe? -- or setting something up with her restaurant. As for the revolutionaries' tactics, I'm not sure what they're doing... blowing important BK stuff up, maybe? That's probably a common tactic. Actually, I wonder if S actually just joined the revolutionaries or has been there for a while now, and what her position is there. This might be just wishful thinking, but going forward, I think there might be more of the restaurant setting, especially since it seems to be so important to the main character. Story-wise, I feel like it will start with subtler forms of rebellion (ex. info network? storing/hiding equipment or resources?) before moving into a more... upfront battle to take the BK down. I would expect a little bit of political commentary as well, I guess, with the ways a country can be governed, how it's set up, and what the pros/cons such a government (or lack thereof) would have. Overall, though, I thought this was pretty enjoyable and a good start! Some more other thoughts/reactions as I read: pg 1 "teasing of her fellow cooks and chefs": small nitpick, but is there a difference between cooks and chefs? pg 7 "the lemon sweetness that coated Ir's tongue tasted bitter": this threw me off for a second; is this saying that because of the conversation, the treat now tastes bitter? pg 7 "soldiers have the morals of the Fey": this makes me wonder who they fey are; is the BK/revolutionaries all in the second 'intelligent' category? I'm interested in what the role of the Fey would have in the plot, as well pg 8 "S would take that as Ir becoming a BK sympathizer": this made me wonder a bit about the common people -- do most people agree with the BK or against it? Do they have a choice when talking publicly? Are they only allowed to be vocal about their opinions in the privacy of their homes, like now, and if S did assume Ir was a BK sympathizer, what would she have done? pg 11 "Eyes nearly identical...": this sentence as a whole threw me off, I didn't immediately take that as the two sisters looking at each other