C_Vallion

And after finally sitting down to do this, my computer froze when I was almost done and I got to retype half of it. Hooray, technology. Overall: I really like a lot of the worldbuilding concepts here. There are some really neat ideas, and I’m curious to see how they’re used. However, I’m having trouble figuring out how some of them fully fit into the world because there are also a lot of seemingly disconnected details to sort through. It’s probably worth going through and seeing what details you absolutely need this early on and trimming the extra things back. It’s hard to juggle too many new details when we don’t have the framework of the world or how the MC fits into it figured out yet. I also agree with the others’ thoughts that this could all be condensed a good deal. There are a lot of introspective lines or paragraphs that are bogging things down a bit, where the thoughts are already implied by a dialogue line or a character action. Trimming those parts back is going to be really helpful in keeping the pacing up. Pg 1: The opening line is intriguing, but I think I need a little more information in the following paragraphs to not just be confused. Having some questions is good, but too many without further knowledge of the setting can just be disorienting. “I hadn’t been sure…” is the MC just winging this speech? I can imagine this thought process occurring while putting a speech together, but it seems odd to go through it while giving the speech, as if they’re making it up as they go along. Pg 2: We have gotten a whole bunch of unfamiliar proper nouns before we know anything about the MC except that their adoptive father died. But I don’t have any knowledge about the setting to tie them to. We need to have some of these tied more solidly into our understanding of the setting and world before more are introduced. “We were all thinking it” This would have more impact if the reader had enough information to guess at what that idea is. Or if this was the only question left open to the reader. But as it is, there are too many detached details to have much idea of what this means. Pg 3: I really like the information we get here about the funeral rites (and that they’re basically cursing Dad here). It could be smoothed out a bit, but I like the promise of interesting traditions/religions/etc. Also, if everyone seems to have hated Dad, I’m surprised they made enough of a big deal of having multiple funeral speeches that seem to try to honor him. This seems far too late for us to be getting the MCs name. “I shrugged again.” You have several lines like this paragraph, where Z’s introspection breaks up the pacing a bit and doesn’t provide much new information. In many of these places, a single strong sentence would cover everything introduced in several sentences and wouldn’t drag on the pacing. Pg 4: “I want to be a hero” Good, clear goal. That’s helpful. But I still know almost nothing about Z to make me want to cheer them (did I miss a gender clarification? Or do we not know that yet) on toward said goal. Pg 5: “Shovels…” I like the idea of this sentence, but it’s a little wordy at the moment, and the “them”s and “the ones” make it less clear than it could be Lots of shoving and shovels at the beginning of Chapter One is a little repetitive. Pg 6: Not sure why a “water pit” is a bad thing if ash is such a frustration/annoyance. I’d think water would offer a reprieve from the ash, even if there do seem to be divine associations with the ash being provided by Ir-. With a line explaining why water=bad, this would probably jump over into something different/unexpected being intriguing, but without that, it’s just coming across as a bit confusing. There are a few places where you have dialogue formatted like this: “Something something,” Person A says. Person B reacts. “Response response,” Person B responds. Person A reacts. It’s often clearer who is saying/doing what if you keep paragraph breaks separated by the individual involved. This can also be handy for cutting out extra dialogue tags and adding some variety to sentence formatting. Consider instead: “Something something,” Person A says. Person B reacts. “Response response.” Person A reacts. This can help create a visible shift at conversation shifts as well, which is helpful at times when multiple speakers might have the same pronouns. Pg 7: “…handing one of the men a bottle…” Are all of the workers here men? Is that confirmation that Z is male? Also, it mentions in two places on page 6 that G provides beer for the workers, but he hands out wine here. Also, also. How are they keeping drinks cold? And do they have something against drinking water (still unclear of why the MC wants to get away from the water pit, and am not sure if this is related. And if so, why is tea fine?)? “I complained a lot” Not a great way to make us care about a character. Same with “I didn’t really care” a little way down. “sternums” Odd synecdoche choice. Why sternums? “G- looked around, wondering…” pov slip. If we’re in Z’s pov, we won’t know why G’s looking around. Pg 8: “K, go check…” Is K a surname? There have been a whole lot of names already, so adding a second for one of the characters before we’ve gotten a handle on who is who makes it hard to keep everyone in line. Pg 9: “By that night, I doubt…” tense error If we don’t absolutely need to know that Z has this list, I don’t think we need it here. We just had a big event happen, but we’ve gotten pulled away from it without having a clear idea of what it means. Also, if people are likely to blame Z for what happened, how is R the first one to show up here? How hasn’t Z been dragged to the center of a town meeting to explain what they’re going to do to fix it? Pg 10: Why would they expect Z to be their savior? If there’s a reason for it, I think we need that much earlier. Really, I think we could use a lot of this much earlier (the break in the shield and Z being blamed/expected to fix it). Z has mentioned wanting to be a hero, and this doubt/fear seems to go alongside that, but the readers haven’t really been given much reason to cheer them on. Pg 11: Oh. What happened to the emergency of the encroaching fire that was supposed to make everyone hate Z? “Leaving…” I’d gotten the impression that there wasn’t really anywhere to go from the town. Z had mentioned wanting to leave previously, but seemed to feel trapped. Why’s R able to just go? Does the barrier thing entirely circle the town? Is that just a barrier for the fire-river thing? Or does it prevent other things from crossing as well? “You used to talk about heroes…” I assume this is R talking, but am not sure. “face didn’t match…” I’m not sure what this is implying about R’s expression. Scars? Did we know about scars? Not sure of the distinction between basements and cellars… My family always used the terms interchangeably. Granted, if Z is referring to the house as a shack, I sort of doubt there would be any basement at all. Might be worth considering what effect the geography would have on the architecture. And what the technology level allows for. Given that ash and fire-rivers have been the main weather features mentioned, I don’t see this as being an area that has a lot of issues with the ground freezing. A lot of regions where basements are common, it was originally intended to create an insulating space below the main portion of the house that goes below the frostline so that you don’t have foundation shifting during freeze-thaw cycles. And because it’s nice to not have sub-freezing ground directly underneath your living room floor. If that’s not an issue, digging a basement for the average home is going to be a lot of unnecessary effort. And in an area with seismic activity, is going to be more of a risk than a benefit. But I digress. (sorry. I live in an old house, and architecture fascinates me, so I get nitpicky about these sorts of things) I like the water-hell idea, but it may need some extra explanation for what the significance of needing hydration to survive implies. Is there a difference between salt water and fresh water, religiously? This also brings back questions about why Z’s dad’s ash magic was seen as evil. Especially since it seems to be protecting the town. Congrats again on your first submissions! It's not easy, but it's a huge step in learning to improve as a writer!

Glad to help. Feel free to send me a message on here whenever

I know I'm way behind on these, but will be planning to get to this one and the other one you posted this weekend or this coming week. In the meantime, a belated congratulations on your first submissions

First of all, welcome! And congratulations on your first submission This was an interesting chapter, and I’m curious to see where it’s going. The writing was smooth and easy to read, which is always great to see in new submissions. What is boring? I wouldn’t necessarily say boring, but I would be cautious about using too much description in the action-y sequences early on. The description itself is really great prose-wise, but when we don’t know enough about L to be really attached to her at the very beginning, it’s hard for the tension to really grab a reader if the action is split up by a lot of descriptive lines. It’s probably worth trimming back a some of the description to keep pacing up. The first paragraph gives four sentences describing L’s physical response to the smoke, but you should be able to condense those into two strong sentences at most to keep it from dragging. What is confusing? Not sure what the intended audience is, but that would be made clearer in shelf-placement and back-of-book summary. I could have used more information about the setting. I pieced together that it seems to be some sort of future earth, but I don’t have a good sense of how far future or what sort of environment L is in. Not having these sorts of framework details set made it difficult to place some of the other interesting world details, as I wasn’t sure how they fit into the world. Could have also used more solid information on who L is. Swapping out some of the physical descriptions in paragraph one with a sentence or two that will really make us engage with her would be really helpful in feeling the stakes throughout. Not quite confusing, but it fits here better than other categories, I’m curious as to what your plans are in regard to religious themes of the story. It touches on the subject here, but I’m not sure if it will carry through. If it is central to the story, I’d tread lightly on having a futuristic version of a current religion unless you’re knowledgeable of the religion’s history and what changes make sense to set in over time based on existing theology. It doesn’t need to be spelled out in the story, but you, as the writer should have a sense of how it got from point A to point B, and make sure point B holds together in and of itself if it's something people actually believe. What did you not believe? I mentioned a couple things in the line-by-line comments. Nothing major, just a couple of things that made me pause and frown skeptically. And depending on where things are going on the religion front, there are a couple things there that I’m not sure match up entirely (though it depends where things are going and how much focus you’re putting on that. And very few people other than me will care anyway) What was cool? I’m always a fan of good world-relevant swear words (I think too much about these sorts of things…), and am curious to see where the ones you use through here come from in the world. I’m always fascinated by future-earth settings, and if this is a future earth with superheroes, I am looking forward to seeing how that pans out Promises: Other than running into a more superpowered form of L later, I’m not sure. We have a very action-y scene here, but it’s not really clear what L’s goals and motivations will be going forward, or what she will be working against to do that. Having those things early on make it far easier to engage with a character (feel free to take a look at how badly I’ve done at this in my early chapter submissions for proof that I’m fully sympathetic to how difficult it is to cram all of this into a first chapter). Pg 1: I don’t think I know enough about what’s going on to feel the amount of tension I’m supposed to here. That’s a common challenge of starting with an action-y scene. We don’t have enough tie to the characters to feel the threat deeply. “flush with strain” this is iffy pov-wise, since L wouldn’t know what her own face looks like here. The language of the description itself is really good through here, but there might be a little too much of it. The longer we go without knowing much about our MC, the harder it’s going to be for a reader to engage. And the more detailed description we get in an action-y scene, the more it’s going to slow down the pacing. “reddening eyes” another pov error, unless we aren’t actually in L’s pov. Pg 2: “warping” I’m curious to see how this reflects the culture of the world. “she dreaded the implications…” this isn’t carrying as much tension as it seems like it should since we don’t know much about L or these other people yet. “unit” looks a little funny not capitalized Pg 3: It is probably worth checking with someone more medically minded than me, but L being healthy enough to be up and around to escape when the smoke has apparently killed A seems iffy if they’re in the same room unless A had some sort of medical issue. Pg 4: Where’s the soot on the latch coming from if the fire isn’t in the room? And what is hurting her fingers? Pg 5: “using one foot to brace…” This isn’t as effective a maneuver as it might seem. She isn’t likely to have enough strength to create enough friction between foot and wall for her foot to not just slide down to the floor. And if she’s pulling away from the wall with enough force to counteract gravity, she’d better have some incredibly solid grip strength. We don’t know much about her physically, but it doesn’t seem like she’s get super strength. Oof. Concussion check there. A head blow significant enough to knock her out would almost definitely come with a concussion. Vision blurring, trouble staying awake, nausea, sensitivity to light and sound, confusion. Might want a line break between scenes. Pg 6: If the door was already hot to the touch before, I’d guess that the fire behind it would be significant enough that opening the door would risk creating a fireball of sorts as the fire is given a sudden fresh supply of oxygen to burn through. Granted, the effect may not be as dramatic as I’m thinking it would be, but it is probably worth looking into a bit. Pg 7-9 I’m feeling a little lost in the world through here. There are a lot of things that seem like they’ll be really interesting with more context, but without any base structure to tie them to, it’s going to be hard to keep them in mind when that context is added later. Having interesting details, but no understanding of how they fit into the world is a little like helplessly standing in the entry to a house you’ve been invited to for the first time, wondering what to do with your jacket and umbrella and shoes while your host is already moving on to give you a tour of the place. We need some metaphorical coat hooks or shoe racks or something to help us see how the details interact with the world so that we are free to focus on the rest of the story. Pg 9 If religion is going to be a central point of the story, you may want to be careful about comments you’re making about existing religions, even if you’re planning to critique aspects of them. And you’ll want to make sure that the form of religion you’re presenting as true holds together within the story. Not sure where you’re planning to go with that from the scene here, but my instincts say to tread lightly (as I’ve seen religions done very poorly far too many times). If you need anyone to bounce ideas off of along those lines, or to help poke at sci-fi-world religions to find gaps where things might not hold together, I’m your gal. Also, if the world does have a sturdy religious focus, whether the majority of the people practice it or not, you’re safe to include religious-based profanity in addition to the other curse words that have been used thus far. Nothing expresses hatred/anger/displeasure quite like the flippant use of things people hold sacred. Pg 10: “for Gods” - if Trin- is supposed to be some sort of monotheistic deity, would these people believe other gods exist? This also probably shouldn’t be capitalized. The Judeo-Christian God is capitalized because it’s a name and title of sorts (and probably also a self-contained statement of monotheism), and therefore a proper noun. But when pluralized, you’re moving away from the proper noun usage. Especially if the name of the deity has shifted to Trin- in common usage. Pg 11: Not sure what the target age group is, and you can always get away with a little vocabulary that the reader can take as “this means smart stuff” jargon, but you may want to run the paragraphs connecting pages 10 and 11 past some others to see how understandable they are to a younger audience (assuming by L’s apparent age that this is MG?) “Knowing she would be out” pov jump. You’ll probably want some sort of scene break or chapter break here if you want to shift povs. “flavor exploded” another pov jump

So I assume that means that this is the week ten people will want to submit I'm sure we will manage to keep ourselves in order for a couple weeks. Enjoy your time away!

I'll be sending over the document with the LBLs, but wanted to chime in on some of the thoughts here as well. I'd agree with this. I'm still enjoying reading, but feel like things are getting a little unfocused at this point. Can confirm. Though the 5 y.o.'s concerning behavior of choice at that age was throwing wooden blocks at other daycare kids... children are chaos at that age, and most will intentionally test boundaries in new environments/around new people. I also have a few related thoughts in my notes related to P's verbal capabilities not quite seeming to match his age. This was a big sticking point for me. Did they have a good plan in place for replacing r-plast with a non-fungus-based material in the next couple of years? Because if they were planning for the whole construction process to take 10 years (right?) before the issues they've been running into, what was their plan to deal with the buildings in A turning into man-eating-fungus structures while they still have their construction crews hard at work on section X? It didn't seem like the r-plast buildings were being built as temporary structures until they can manufacture non-fungus-based materials. But it's possible I missed something.

Not this week, but I will be hoping to jump back in a few weeks from now. Used some of covid-quarantine to work on a short story, but it's not quite done yet. Hoping that telling people I'm finishing it up will get me to buckle down to get the last part of it together.

I'm still doing most of my reading/commenting on my phone in google docs on school buses, so I will send over that document with LBLs and more detailed notes. I liked a lot of things in this. The fungus-pov did a great job of stressing the difference between how it views the threat of the colonists (a sort of confusing problem to be figured out, but not a real threat) and how the colonists view it (as a terrifying mushroom-monster). And I am always a little cynically amused that the poor fungus-being is just sort of trying to go about its life and adjust to the annoying unexpected creatures while humanity is fighting for its existence. I also really enjoyed F 's unconvincing "I have no emotional attachment to this baby. For real. But here's some stuff for them, and let me know if you need anything and..." Unfortunately, I'm still bouncing really hard off of J's pov. I like the idea of having a sort of antagonistic viewpoint from the admins, and proof of their incompetence in actually running the colony, but we spend a lot of time in J's pov to watch a bunch of incompetent people discuss things they don't understand. J clearly views herself as the mastermind behind the whole operation, but I'm not convinced that she would be able to hold her own if any real conflict broke out among the admins. She clings to her power, but I haven't seen any real sign that there's anyone interested in taking it away from her, or that they wouldn't succeed if they tried. There's a bit of conflict with M here, which is something, but even though M seems to be horrified by the ideas J proposes, she doesn't push back at all. J approaches the topic in a roundabout way as if to trick M into talking about something she'd get really angry about if approached bluntly (while also taking mental cheap shots at M), and once M picks up on J's idea, she is disgusted and mortified, but just...goes on with the meeting. Yes, specifically chosen. I was using this as a bit of a mental power play from J, showing where she thinks of herself in relation to the others. Maybe I've spent too much time among high school boys swearing to seem tough over the past couple months, but while this line does tell me about the way J thinks of herself compared to the others, it makes it even harder for me to take her competence seriously. And if she's not competent, the fact that the other admins are blindly following her reflects lack of competence on their part. And if none of them have any real grasp on how to lead the colony or deal with issues that arise, I'm not sure why we spend so much time in meetings with them. I want them to be a competent antagonistic force (even if they are clueless when it comes to actually creating a decent society in the colony), and I want to see J as the power-grasping mastermind manipulating them to her will (even if C is the real knowledge/power behind the title), but it's just not coming together for me. Really enjoyed the An section. Seeing the eye-opening moment of the different levels of society interacting is fun, and it's fun to see An out of his element in trying to manage the dispute. I also like the building materials discussion (surprise, surprise). And my suspicion that it could very well overcome F's work (sorry, F. I trust you, but you've all proven you're way out of your depth here. Otherwise we wouldn't have a story) to reconnect with the rest of the fungus to turn their structures into sentient homes is apparently enough tension to silence the nit-picky part of my brain that might whine about production methods and such.

I read through most of this on my phone on a bus and made comments directly in the Google Doc, so I'll probably just send that over to you instead of copying over specifics. Overall, I really enjoyed reading through this, and as the others have said, I am fully onboard for seeing more stories set in this world. I also really enjoyed T's wry side-comments, especially the ones that ring so true to being a pet owner (even if said pets are massive0. There are a few places where I struggled to follow what was going on (during the time with M and in the flashback later on are the ones that come back to mind), but I'd have to read through it again while not on a bus full of shouting teenagers to determine how much of that was the text and how much was a distracting reading environment. I agree with @Silk's thoughts about it ending up being pretty easy to get L back at the end once T found her, as well as the thought that dialing up emotion would add a lot of strength to the story. Losing a pet is scary enough in a world where they're not also a means of survival. We see T missing L's warmth, transportation assistance, and general presence, but having a few other details about their relationship (what's a normal day for them when T isn't chasing after L? Is it the same for everyone in this region? How''s T/Li's relationship and life differ from M/Le's?) could really drive the feeling of L's absence home harder. Thanks for submitting! This was a lot of fun to read Edit: Forgot to mention characters/elements I found interesting. Through this story, we see 1. life for people in the unclaimed catlands 2. non-cat-people in the catlands 3. catlords are a thing. And really, I'd love to see any of those things fleshed out in some sort of story detailing what sort of challenges each of those groups face and what different aspects of this world looks like from the perspective of different groups of people within it. That doesn't narrow it down much, but ultimately I'm intrigued enough by the world that I'd probably enjoy any story that takes the idea and runs with it.

Overall: I like the progress here, and S’s actively searching out answers a lot. I do think there are some things that need to be nailed down a little more clearly in regard to the religion and S’s view of it (shocking, I know), and about his relationship with C, but this is a big improvement on previous versions. I do think there are several places where things are dragging a bit due to some extra wordiness and vagueness. Instead of concrete details that would be useful in a second chapter, we’re getting hints at things in roundabout ways. Which I am 110% guilty of, but it was something that was tripping me up. Especially because roundabout explanations are bogging down some of the conversation. Pg 1: D’s name still feels far more modern-American to me than fits the setting. Also, would he be allowed in the female wing of the servant quarters? How much of the gender segregation is based in general human propriety, and how much is based in some sort of divine instruction? If there are religious ties to the gender segregation, I would expect the female wing to be off-limits to S. Or at least be a place he’s not comfortable just strolling into. “my thoughts went to you.” We could have probably gotten a little more of this in the previous chapter. At least in some urgency to get back. Or to ask Z if they’ll hurt anyone. I’m not sure how difficult it would be to show that he’s specifically worried about D there without a big info dump on who D is, but there might be a way to get that across with a couple lines of dialogue/thought. “after his marriage” Would be helpful to get a note here of when that marriage is expected to take place. “weren’t supposed to…” Without going into nitty-gritty detail, do they have reliable birth control in this world? Because if not, marrying off brothers and expecting them to not father children seems like an unreliable way to run things. Unless they’re a culture that is fine with infanticide or exposing male children born to the HR’s brothers? Pg 2: “caged away like a bird” this also feels a little off if both families involve actually want the alliance. I’d almost expect things to lean more toward the marriage and spouse being put on show as a “See how important this alliance is to us and how well we honor it?” even if they’re plotting betrayal in the background. And if the spouse is a person who they can turn into a tool for their use (putting their magic hand-crystals to use, for example), I’d think this would be even more the case. “she was still attracted…” could use a little more information around this. Even just defining the details in the paragraph here a little further. What their relationship used to be and what it is now, if that’s different. Or what he has felt all along vs. what she has felt all along if they aren’t on the same page. “head back to my room” again, in a place with strict gender segregation and strict expectations on royal brothers in regard to any potential accidental children, this seems like it would be frowned upon to an extreme or forbidden outright. And if that’s the cultural standard, there would probably be ways for people to have private conversations while visible to anyone who might otherwise gossip about what they might be doing in secret. Nit-picking aside, I like that S is actively trying to make plans to deal with what’s going on. Pg 3: A lot of the dialogue here could be trimmed down a bit and still get the full point across. Same with some of the exposition. I don’t think there’s too much to absorb to have it here, but the sentence structure and wordiness are interfering with it a bit. Do people use arrows to hunt snakes? Why hasn’t S talked to C about the RA before now if she’s from a place with more information about it? Pg 4: “His father told” do we know if his father is alive? The phrasing here makes it sound like this was a recent conversation, but I assume not, if J is HR? Might be helpful to call out the political structure a little better to confirm that the HR position is equivalent to some sort of priest-king or prophet-king (depending on his supposed role in the religious structure). As it is, I don’t have a good sense of how the political and religious lines intersect, or what is expected from S on either side of that. Pg 5: Is W staying in the palace? It seems odd that he would be surprised to find her there. Also, why is D the one to open the conversation? I’d expect most royal protocol to have servants (even the more elite/important servants) only speaking when spoken to. She might have had the appointment to study with C, but even then, I’d expect C to be the one to initiate that discussion when D got there. “D knew little …” this seems unlikely to me. She’s managed to navigate the politics and protocols to earn herself a place doing research with one of the HR’s wives. I don’t see that happening unless they know she’s politically aware enough to not be accidentally sharing royal secrets with other servants. Pg 6: “We’re not certain.” Same here, where her sharing the information sort of implies that she was the lead person in the process, not the friend who S shared the information with. And if S is concerned about what W thinks of his relationship with D, having D referring to herself and S with “we’re not certain” and “we’re not sure” is a big problem. The wording makes claims on his thoughts/opinions/person that she doesn’t have any place to make, and doing so in front of his betrothed seems especially rude/unwise. “in her expression” and “she was the youngest” not sure if these are referring to C or W Pg 7: “Why did she care…?” …because they’re betrothed? You could probably trim down this section (from here into the top of the next page) a good deal. Showing his mediating through conversation is going to be far stronger than explaining what’s happening. And it should be pretty much assumed that his ties to her family would include her family having more access to knowledge about what’s going on with the royal family. I don’t think that needs spelled out as much as it is now. Pg 8: “Lady C” would “Lady” be correct? If the HR’s siblings are princes and princesses, his wives should probably have more significant titles. With corresponding forms of address depending on how close she and S are. Pg 9-12: Main comments through here are that things could be trimmed down a little bit. The progress is interesting, but is getting bogged down a bit pacing-wise. Pg 12: Knowing that C has a red crystal before S asks her about it would be helpful. Otherwise the question comes out of the blue. He could probably even reference it when he sees the crushed one in chapter 1. To point us more in this direction from there. Also, isn’t this something S would know if she’s a member of his family? Seems like the sort of thing that would have been part of his education, since it’s tied into the politics, geography, and religion of the world. “as a status symbol…” but S and the others do use the powers in their crystals. What would it mean to just have it as a status symbol if it becomes inherent to their person? S mentioned above that he feels people’s emotions in his body. How are red-crystal users’ lives affected by their powers? Pg 13: Is S aware of any non-conventional purposes that the other crystals could be used for? If not, it seems odd to suspect the red ones of having special bonus features that the others don’t. I feel like some of the explanation of motivations could be cut back here. Most of it should be evident in their conversation and actions. You’ll just want to make sure that it doesn’t get bogged down in expositional description. Same into the next page. Why does he seem convinced that C isn’t on his side? I don’t think we’ve seen anything thus far to suggest that they might be at odds with each other. Pg 15: “A shiver ran down S’s spine…” I’m pretty sure this is the first hint of actual religious belief we get from S. Even in the introduction to the FCity, his awe is more about the physical majesty of the caves, and of the power that the FCitizen had. It’s not really awe or fear of the gods. All of that together makes me wonder what exactly S thinks of his religion, especially when his brother is supposed to be some sort of representative of the god(s?) in the world. Even here. Is he shivering because the thought of having a prisoner there taints the holiness of the place? If so, is J disrespecting the god by keeping a prisoner there? Is that thought what makes S shiver? Might be worth thinking a bit about how S thinks about his religion. How much of it is based on faith vs. moral laws vs. tradition, and how much he thinks of it that way (it will likely be a blend of the three). He might think of it in terms of faith, when it’s actually just that he likes the sense of tradition and structure it provides. Or he could be fully aware that he mostly values it for the moral structure it creates. Just some things to think about when working with a religious character (or a character in a very religious setting). Why does he have to get all of this figured out before his wedding? The closing paragraph is good, but I feel like it states things in far more definite terms than have been given to us previously. Especially in regard to the wedding timeline and his feeling that he’s really close to the truth.

General note: if you could include the wordcount in the filename and the topic title, that would be a big help. I probably would have gotten to this last week if I’d known it was this short. Since it’s shorter, and you’re looking at putting it in a contest, a lot of my comments are minor grammar/text flow edits. It’s pretty smooth overall text-wise, but in a contest situation, you want to make sure you’re taking away any possible chance for the reader to trip over a word or phrase. Overall: I think my biggest general opinions are similar to the others’. I hadn’t realized J was also being hung. And it does seem like there’s a lot of time for L to be talking. I also agree that there needs to be more plot for this to feel like a full story. I like the overall idea of the setup, and it was a lot of fun to read. However, there is probably a way to push that idea into a story with a complete plot and arc, and it would do the concept much better justice to do that. Pg 1: “It was wiped…” Might want to reword this to avoid the passive-voice. And/or split it into two sentences. It’s a little clunky, as-is right now. “gut, before” shouldn’t have a comma. If we’re in the middle of the town square, would there be a clear line of sight to the sunset? “they wanted to be part of it even less.” Might want to make the implication a little clearer here. I assume you’re saying that they’re afraid of ending up next on the gallows if they don’t show up to watch, but what “be part of it” means could be made a little clearer so that it can hit home without the reader having to pause and think about it. “They would take their time” could also be made clearer who the “they” is here. It’s clear by the end of the sentence that it’s the nobility, but there’s a moment of confusion at the start there that could be avoided. “…drink wine, tell stories and be paid…” you and me both, L. Pg 2: Wondering about the name choices. (Besides, it wouldn’t be a proper critique from me without poking at naming conventions and/or religion world building) We got a “For the gods’ sake” on page 1, but L and J are both common names because they’re Biblical, and are going to carry a good deal of Judeo-Christian connotation. If you’re aiming for a more fantastical setting, it might be worth swapping out the names for something less tied to earth-as-we-know-it. Pg 3: Smelt should just be smelled Pg 5: I like the idea of the sentence break at the end indicating what it does, but it needs to be set up right for it to pay off.

Pg 2: “first-year” should probably have a hyphen “far away from… As much as possible” Should both of these sentences be in terms of distance? The shift from how far to how much/how often feels a little odd. Unless I’m misreading the intention of the second sentence. Pg 3: “didn’t think” Is this her knowledge or her citing something someone else has told her? This line makes me wonder what the people in the colony think of how the biomass functions. It would make sense if a lot of them got the idea that it was outsmarting them and planning ahead. Ag isn’t a fungus expert, so having her assert that the biomass doesn’t think doesn’t convey as much weight as her citing that someone who is a fungus expert has assured them all that the biomass doesn’t think. “ruthless” Have we gotten any of the Gens impressions of the Admins before now? I don’t feel like I’ve gotten this sense of J from the Gens or from her interactions with the Admins. Everyone sort of just listens to her, so we’ve never seen a risk of her losing her control, and she’s never really been ruthless on-page. Pg 4: “that had ever happened” This is definitely the sort of thought processing and inner conflict I’ve been looking for from Ag all along. It comes across as a little out of the blue without the earlier build up, but I think once that’s fleshed out more, this (combined with where things are going) is going to be a big hit right in the feels. Pg 10: For the most part, the hesitation on the doctor’s part comes across as trying to figure out if he should be deferring to a specialist on a topic or deferring to a specialist-and-friend-of-the-patient to deliver difficult news, but I think there could be a little more clarification of that at the end of page 10 and beginning of 11. Just to avoid it coming across as inexperienced nervousness. Pg 12: “if he was just pretending” This thought seems out of character. I don’t think we ever got any sense of doubt in their relationship from her. Overall: This was a really strong chapter. I enjoyed it a lot (in the readers loving being in misery sense), and can’t wait to see how it plays out once the early setup of Ag’s conflict is fleshed out.

Overall: I like the progress here, and am enjoying the story. I think the biggest pacing note is that Chapters 9-10 are dragging a little bit. I wonder if that learning/training process could either be trimmed back or have some aspect to it that keeps it from just being E and A interacting on their own. Are there other interesting ghostly presences there that E could test their skills on instead of A, or maybe E does go too far and actually harm the ghost by pushing too hard at the magic tendril things? Or something else that lets us dig a little deeper into ghost-magic world in a fun way while E is learning? Other than that, I think the pacing worked well through here. D also seemed to react far more naturally to things than in the previous section. She still comes across as a little more confident/calm than the average person might seem when her mom has just been turned into a mannequin, but I think with the peril a little more distant, that doesn’t seem as excessive as it did in the previous section. Pg 1: Is this set in the same world as the ghost train story? Or do you get attached to the ghosts made of memory concept like I get attached to some of my magic system ideas? Pg 2: For someone who is extremely careful to get pronouns correct, the “I’m not entirely sure I would’ve listened” seems a little contradictory. How much research did E do here? What they have here seems like it would fit onto a page or two, not fill a notebook. “jolted” seems like not quite the right word here. “needed to cut right to the important stuff.” Again feels a little off when they took a page to confirm pronouns. Full-disclosure on where I’m coming from regarding pronouns (since I know others here have different experiences): It’s not as common now that I’m not actively working in an engineering office (though being a woman coaching a boys’ sports team brings it up now and then), but being a female engineer with a non-standard name spelling that is often misread as masculine, I am pretty regularly misgendered by people contacting me through e-mails before we’ve met in person. And while I’m absolutely aware it’s not the case for most people, it’s never bothered me much. I’m always going to do my best to respect that it does bother other people, and be considerate of that as much as I can, but it doesn’t hit home quite as hard for me. Probably because my experience with being misgendered has never had intentional rudeness behind it. Which I know is not always the case. Given that: If someone were to go out of their way to confirm pronouns for me (I’d certainly appreciate the consideration) then went on to be intentionally dismissive of my concerns in other ways, that would bother me far more than an accidental misgendering in the first place. I get that E is coming from a place where they’re going to be more sensitive to pronoun usage, but depending on what you’re trying to do with their character, you might want to downplay the “I don’t care if it’s rude, I need answers.” Tone. Or provide some consequences where that rudeness backfires and they have to learn to be more considerate and take conversation more slowly. Pg 3: “Photos of Sock-…” is this a place we’ve been introduced to? “slammed shut” slammed the book shut? Pg 4: Think we need a little more clarification here. M killed B and N because they enforced unsafe working conditions? Or M was responsible for killing the workers? M was a Fair- as well, right? If E has been researching the history around the accident/fire/etc. I assume they’d be aware of who the owners and their family members were. Does E recognize who B and N are? Do they know how M was related to B and/or N? If they’ve been looking into it, I imagine that would be right at the front of the information. Not sure who the “them” in “Some of them” is referring to. Pg 9: “expected his mother to materialize” Do we know who B’s mother is? Or where the vision is taking place? Is E recognizing M’s voice? I’m assuming M is B’s mother, but I don’t think we’ve gotten those details in-text yet. Also, do we know who As- is? Pg 10: And do we know who Al’s aunt is or what she taught him? Pg 15: “looming blizzard” With the heat/humidity of the day, is this more like a refreshing cold? Blizzard feels a little more threatening than I’d expect. And isn’t something I’d expect E to associate with A. Pg16: “As we crossed…” This paragraph had a couple clunky sentences. I think cutting “the door to open, and for” might smooth out the first one. Especially since they already opened the door. In the second, the “the same slightly….shop” is just really wordy. “she had still gotten snared by M…” Might be worth an added couple words to remind us who D is. Also, his name is spelled two different ways on this page (one r and two) “attic doors…vents” I think this detail just makes things more complicated while describing the room. I don’t think most readers going to immediately guess that the mannequins escaped into an attic, so eliminating the possibility feels unnecessary. Same with trap doors. I think confirming that there aren’t closets or back doors for M or the mannequins to be hiding in, or where the moms might have been hidden is thorough enough to get the point across to the reader that they aren’t there. I’m a little surprised they aren’t suspicious that M managed to magically get past the lock/door. That would have been my first guess. Especially since things were missing from the other part of the shop too. Does E know enough about ghosts to eliminate that possibility? If not, maybe they can mention the possibility and have De correct them. “fragment” shred? Snag? Scrap? Fragment doesn’t feel like a fabric-y term to me. Pg 17: Was Mx. R also turned into a mannequin? I don’t remember. Though it’s possible I was focusing on being concerned about the moms and forgot about their involvement, since we hadn’t seen them on-page in the sections you’ve submitted (I think). “teacups on the floor” broken? Or just placed there? If the latter, spelling out a word is going to require a whole lot of teacups. If shattered, and the pieces form the letters, there’s probably a little less dot-connecting. “this time next month…” I assume this was introduced in the first chapters? I don’t remember seeing anything about it in the previous submission. If moving/losing their apartment (or whatever is going on there) is a big emotional point or plot point for E, I think we need a reminder of how that fits into the story events. I haven’t gotten a sense of any “home is where the heart is, not where our stuff is” or “seeking out a place that feels like home” sorts of themes (there’s a bit of “home=family” but not having read the opening, I’m not sure how E’s relationship with mom is set up, if it implies an arc). Mostly this seems like a big detail to have not been mentioned for 7-8k words. Who do they think the message is coming from? I’d understood it as an angry, ghostly “Get out of here” (though that’s odd, since M is also gone). If they think it’s some other ghostly force trying to help, it might be worth giving us a hint in that regard. What dagger? Is this feeling of purposefulness of the monster hunting kit drawn out when we first see it? You may want to make sure that’s stressed early on. Maybe even as some sort of sense that the monster hunting kit wants to go out and hunt things, which startles E at first and makes them cautious of it. But when they come back to it now, it seems like exactly the right tool for the job, even if E isn’t completely sure why/how (and is still a little cautious of its intentions). You just want to make sure it doesn’t feel like a deus ex machina that can be whatever we need it to be in a few chapters. At the moment the “knowing it is important, somehow” feels a little plot-convenient. “Added weight” how much holy water is this? And are the stakes going to be that heavy? I’d almost suggest minimizing the physical weight of them. Stressing the mental/magical weight of them in E’s head. Making a point of that contrast. Also, is this energy different from the ghost-energy? Why is it still here when the other ghost-related things are gone? Pg 18: What abilities does D’s mom have as a psychic that other ghost-sensitive people don’t? E is able to see the ghost-magic. Is there more to it than that? I’m assuming some of this is explained at the beginning, but it may be helpful to get reminders through D and E’s planning/learning of what a proper psychic would be capable of that they aren’t. “a ghost and a dog” Has Al- had any input on what’s going on here or what they should be trying to do next? I’d imagine his opinion to be important on that front. Might be worth having them try to check in with him, even if he still needs more rest before he can provide any helpful input. Just to make sure they don’t seem like they’re forgetting one of their informational resources. I like the closing line

Overall: I enjoyed this section a lot. I’m not sure if my noticing more grammar/flow sorts of issues was because I wasn’t jumping onto other things to whine about or if it just needed a little more proofreading than some of the others. Pg 1: “gripped…hand” this is making the first sentence a little clunky. Especially if it’s not hugely important which hand he’s using. Something feels off in the second sentence as well. Maybe the assumed subject in the first half, then the “it” in the second? Might flow better to keep the structure the same between the two spots. Might be worth specifying that they’re at the 1-year celebration. I had a moment of confusion about what N was celebrating. Not sure if that’s more due to WRS or being used to bigger time jumps between scenes than we had this time. “that had followed before” they had followed? There’s some extra wordiness in here that I don’t usually notice reading through your submissions, but it may just be being on high alert so close to the front. “…hoping it was too busy…” Ah. We get the party detail here. Might be worth moving it right to the front, though. “Nothing was nearly as tall” ? “highest” feels unclear to me here. I know it’s not referring to floating buildings, but at least to me, it implies “farthest removed from the ground”. Especially when combined with “soared” Pg 2: “now that the sun had set” “a proposition” This came across to me as N reading A’s comment as a proposition and not exactly turning it down. Might want to reword slightly if you want it to come across as A’s idea. Pg 3: “Sitrep” took me a couple seconds to figure out. I don’t think it’s a common enough abbreviation to go without explanation here. If it was introduced somewhere else, maybe, but it’s hard to refer to context when what’s going on around them is uncertain/changing. I might suggest cutting the “in a stray beam from the Admin building” phrase here. Or rework without “he saw” since were in A’s pov anyway. As written, I wasn’t connecting the “stray beam” with “he saw”, but with some description of how the HUD was flaring to life. “against the people” against feels off to me here, though I get not wanting to use toward twice in the same sentence. Maybe against the tide of people? Jigged also sticks out against the urgency around it. It definitely cuts tension a bit to be thinking of someone dancing a jig away from mysterious dangerous falling objects. Pg 5: “fingers had been going loose” Maybe something with a little less implication that the fingers were about to fall off… “regular use had been loosening up the joints over the past week” or mentioning that one of the joints had been jamming during training or something. Though I approve of the maintenance detail Pg 6: “Get it back u—" is this supposed to be “up” cut off mid-word? Might be better to go with a multi-syllable option. Or even just “Get it back—” It would be really hard to get cut off in the middle of saying up. At least in a way that’s perceivable in a chaotic, noisy environment. Pg 8: “Five meters across” Dang. Are all of the “trees” this size? Twenty-meter (need hyphen) “fifty mortar” fifty what? I think using “fifties” and such in their quick back and forth above is fine, but adding in the description here would be helpful to those of us unfamiliar with mortars. (It’s me. I’m unfamiliar with them) Pg 9: “trotting” seems less urgent than the situation would demand. Oh boy. I bet this wasn’t the post-celebration cleanup J was expecting last chapter….You know what? I’m sure it will be fine. Spores? Fine. Fungus-tree fallen into the city? Fine. All of it. Fine, fine, fine. Nice job on the action scene here. Even while distracting myself by nit-picking at little details, the tension held through. Pg 11: “a few” months felt vague, and made me pause enough to then wonder how they’re even defining months. This doesn’t really matter for the text, but I’m curious. I don’t remember anything being mentioned about moons or how long the year actually is or anything along those lines. “The V said they’d cleaned up…” nice try, though… Pg 12: Enjoying our bee study. Pg 13: Intestinal tract Pg 14: He rifled Baby’s progress ? I'm enjoying the whole "What? You think I care about the baby? I don't care about the baby. Nope. Not at all. It's J's baby." here Pg 17: But these were amber Where they had landed meant Even if he knows he’s probably been contaminated by the honey already, he seems too cautious to just eat some. At least without making some sort of formal study out of it.

Way late to the party on this one. Hoping I'll be able to get to the second submission tomorrow. Overall: I am not usually one for ghost stories, so I’m not sure where the genre would land for me, but setting things around New England antique shops and mill disasters balances that out Pacing-wise, I think things start out well, but slow down a bit in the transitions from place to place later on. I know I take forever to get into a new location in my writing, so I’m sympathetic, but trimming those scene changes down will probably help keep things moving. I also wonder if going up to the office is necessary? Seems like the only thing we get from that scene is the fact that the mill accident is mysteriously important, but we then find out that E already knows a lot about that. Reaction-wise, I think we could get a lot more sense of urgency or determination from them. Especially as they’re getting out of the shop. Even if D isn’t visibly upset (which I’d expect E to be asking about if they’re upset), there could be a sense of impatience or efficiency implying that they’re in a hurry to find answers, even if they aren’t coming across as scared. Having E push for answers a little earlier could also have D provide the information that some of the things from the store came from the manor. If E makes the association between the ghosts and their own research earlier, you may be able to cut out the office scene, or streamline it a little more (having them specifically looking for information about the manor or the mill fire) to provide some additional focus there, which I think would help with the pacing in those chapters. Pg 1: “mom” is used three times in the first line. Might want to space those out. Also, the second one should be capitalized (it’s being used in place of her name), but not mom-instinct. Do you draw a distinction between mechanical and non-mechanical dolls earlier on? If not, that feels like an odd way to refer to it here. Also, the vintage-clothes-nerd side of me really wants to go to this antique store. After specifying the eras and styles of the other clothing in the shop, I’d like to see a similar note on the clothing this mannequin is wearing, since none of the individual pieces have a specific era associated with them. Pg 2: “mannequin’s arm stretched…” I assume this is the one they’d just mentioned? Might be helpful to clarify which one, since there have been several (maybe mentioning the flowy white sleeve on the arm?) “itched as if there were a coarse rope…” ? “like” seems off to me there. Also, “coarse” in my head would be more painful than itchy. Pg 3: Well, this feels creepy. I also want to go to the other giant antique store… “stolen”? or kidnapped? “when her racing heart…” feels a bit like a pov jump. Pg 5: “felt like lead” typo “waving its arms” Pg 6: I’m a little confused about who is saying what at the top of this page. Part of that is not knowing what names we might know from previous chapters, but I’m not sure if all of it is or not. A word like incorporeal stands out when you use it multiple times near each other. Might want to swap one of those out. There seems to be more detail in the description of D’s actions/reactions here than necessary. Especially the final line on the page “hands clenched into fists, she marched…” it just seems more intense than it needs to be. Or like it’s not quite conveying the right emotions. I’m not sure. Pg 7: Is she planning to do something with this cash? Or just make sure that nothing in the store does anything with it? Not having a good sense of how old the characters are, it feels weird to see her just grabbing money from the register. I also want to know how often she sees stuff like this. She doesn’t seem all that alarmed, but also doesn’t seem to be making an effort to explain anything to E. More marching. But it feels more angry than urgent, almost? If they need to get out quickly, I think we need to feel that urgency more clearly. She does a lot of stuff before leaving instead of just scrawling out a “Be Back Soon” message to stick on the door and locking it. If D is going to go through the full closing-up process, she could at least be explaining what she does know about what’s going on to E while she’s doing it. Pg 9: Ah. So she doesn’t know anything? Then why isn’t she in more of a rush to figure out what’s going on? She seems far less concerned than seems normal for someone whose mother just got turned into a mannequin Pg 11: What was the point of coming to the office if they don’t have anything specific to actually look up or any idea what they’re actually looking for? A whole room of records and miscellaneous paperwork is hard enough to navigate if you know exactly what you’re looking for. But looking for A or M’s names seems like a pretty impossible task. Should we know anything about the wool mill? I wonder if chapters five and six could be trimmed down to one chapter? I’m not sure what feels off about the pacing through there, but it drags a bit for me. I think it’s partly D not seeming very urgent or concerned about the situation and partly not being sure what they expect to actually find at the office. Pg 13: “Starts with…” This seems like an odd jump to make. If they’ve been compiling information about the people who died, wouldn’t they have the names memorized? Especially if they’ve spent a lot of time on the project? I get it being important to E, and am fully aware that there are dynamics around deadnames that I just don’t understand (I’m trying, and learning, but have a long way to go), but as someone who often had people just assume nicknames for me and insist on using them, E’s shortening the name here bothers me a bit. I know they’re trying to be considerate and respectful of A, but this seems like a big jump to make when they don’t really even know if this is the ghost they know as A-. Having the thought that they might be the same person is one thing, and I think having E plan to ask about pronouns next time makes sense, but based on the information we know, I don’t know if they can assume they’re the same person. It also feels a bit plot-convenient that the first Marg- they find is tied to the first A- they find. In 1910s New England, you could find a Marg- just about anywhere you looked (I just checked the census record of my town because I like genealogies and local histories, so I have shortcuts for these sorts of things). There were several M’s living on my current street in 1910. And I have no doubt many of them probably worked at the local mill building down the road. It wouldn’t surprise me if our own local mill fire (1907) ended up with someone by that name on the casualty list. I’d expect someone looking up information about New England ghosts to have a lot of M-s in their references. Just based on how common the name was. Having a location where one is tied to an A- narrows it down (A was a little less common at the time), but I’d like to see them get excited about a false alarm or two first. “Aunty just cleaned out this house” Dang it. Was there a haunted old New England mansion estate sale and no one invited me? Pg 16: Bones? What now? I'm just going to assume that there's a satisfactory setup for whatever this is about in the earlier chapters and leave it at that.

Overall: As usual, this is enjoyable to read, and I like the direction the story is progressing. Two things I noticed on this one, though. 1. Ag, again (sorry). I like that she's been shaken/scared/something about what happened to D to have been driven to a choice about kids when she's been hesitant about it. But I don't really see the emotions about that on-page. Last time we saw her, she was hemming-and-hawing, and now she's lining up for a child. If we'd started in this section, I don't think anything in this scene would have told me that this was a big change in her mindset, so if she's doing it for D (whatever the more complicated reasons underneath that) that dedication or fear or whatever it is isn't as powerful as it would have been if we had a little nervousness or self-doubt or second-guessing here, even if she's determined to do it. 2. J's scene isn't hitting as powerfully as I feel like it's supposed to be. I think partly because it feels very meeting-y, with no one really speaking out of turn or visibly concerned even though the civilization they're trying to build is falling apart around them. It seems like a pretty relaxed environment. The reports aren't good, but they have ideas of paths forward, and with no one visibly upset, it's hard for the stakes/emotion of J's speech to hit home. Pg 1: What happened to Ag’s concerns about kids? Even if she has decided to go down that route after all (I assume what happened to D prompted a change), I’d expect a clearer indication of old reluctance/hesitation Pg 2: “watched a few kids…” lambs? Pg 3: “alpacas…” more resistant? Fungus dreams seem entirely unremarkable… Yep. Nothing concerning there at all… Pg 5: Had everyone on the ships been on sterilization hormones the whole time? What sort of side-effects is that level of constant hormone adjustment having? Knowing several friends who have had horrible side-effects from mild hormonal birth control, I can’t think that even some futuristic version of long-term hormone adjustment is going to be without side-effects. And do they expect bodies to just snap right back to “normal” fertility when they’ve spent their whole lives (or multiple generations) under the effects of the sterilization hormones? Still bothered by the fact that we’ve gotten almost no real emotional response or thoughts from Ag about wanting or not wanting kids except for vague hesitance. She’s clearly changed her mind here, and while it seems to be an attempt to give up some of her own fears/desires in favor of D (or because she’s worried she won’t have him much longer or just to distract him from his pain/trauma. Not entirely sure), that doesn’t have nearly the impact it would if we knew what her previous thoughts on the matter had been. She wants a kid now. Her primary goal in that seems to be to make D happy. But what is she giving up, or what fears is she facing to make that decision? Pg 6: “harnessing…for their own use.” Who is “they” here? Why the nod to Ah? Are we supposed to know this person or have any understanding of who they are? “Everyone was busy…running the colony itself.” I’m always a fan of wordplay of this sort, but this isn’t quite hitting right at the moment. I don’t think it’s quite clear what the distinction is between what she is doing and what the others are doing. Keeping things running is clear enough. But I’m not sure how the emphasis on “running the colony itself” is distinct from it. “not relishing the cleanup…” So, this, for example, I’d jot down under “keeping the colony running.” So what is “running the colony itself”, when J seems to still expect to be involved with said cleanup. Pg 7: Would the fungal remnants be enough to foul turbines this quickly? I know they haven’t been able to fully filter their water, but I remember them describing it as clear, so there aren’t stringy masses that would interfere like seaweed or something like that. If the remnants aren’t building up on the sides of the river, would it be building up that much more on a turbine? There are already a lot of hydrokinetic systems that work in unfiltered, free-flowing water (fish, seaweed, dirt, general debris, and all). Even if they have to clean the system more often, it seems unlikely that it would get fully fouled up. Pg 9: I like the idea of chickpea water use, but I think chickpea flour paste is supposed to be even better as an egg-substitute (though aquafaba is better for egg-white-specific things like meringues). Supposedly you can even make vegan omelettes/scrambled “eggs” with chickpea-flour batter, though I’ve never tried it. Pg 10: J is still the one in charge, but she doesn’t seem to have anyone pushing back against that. I’m still not seeing any real conflict for her when all of the other admins seem to go along with what she says and we don’t have a great sense of what her goals are or what’s threatening them (survival is there, but it’s not something she seems to have any emotional attachment to or real fear that she won’t achieve it) “Fortunately, that Gen…” this feels a little “As you know, Bob”. Especially when it’s been several months (?) since this event. “gave it two more seconds to increase the tension.” I’m not really feeling the tension that’s supposed to be here. “she needed them all to realize…” how is giving them extra time keeping them from drifting off to read e-mails? None of them seem all that concerned, really. Even Raj-, who is apparently worried enough to speak up and ask about it just sighs and adjusts her sari. Pg 11: “let her face show…” but are they shocked and outraged? I think there are just too many people and too many jumps in topic here for this to hit with as much weight as it should. We can’t focus in on the emotions of every individual person in the room when there are so many people. Going down a checklist of how different admins’ responsibilities are going feels inherently low-stakes even though it’s all going badly, but having some sort of shout-fest that would portray heightened emotions from various corners would be difficult to follow with so many voices and characters. It all comes across as a pretty standard civil conversation, and not zoning in on reactions makes the admins seem pretty unconcerned/detached. I’m having a hard time suspending disbelief in regard to J’s attempts to draw out pauses to increase the tension of the room. No one really seems to care that they’re in a life-or-death situation with fungus moving in to destroy them all.

That would definitely help.

Wow. I hadn’t realized how far behind I was on critiques. Sorry about that! Pg 2: “ran from its source” “Source” seems too directional for me to associate it with a street. I actually checked back to make sure I didn’t miss a stream somewhere. Pg 3: Hi, A! “around the lip of the hole” “around” implies to me that he’s circling the whole thing. Could use an extra line break around the time jump. Pg 4: Do they have the equipment with them and set up to actually mine and process iron? That’s going to be a big load on their already-small energy supply. Pg 5: “need to rout construction…” -> route? Or reroute, maybe? Not sure what this is going for. Pg 8-13 I like this scene, but it seems to come in at an odd spot. I think the main thing I'd say about these pages is that we don't have a good sense of what "normal" child-rearing was like on the ship (or what it's expected to be now), to know how F or J's ideas fit with it. How do things like a single parent trying to balance work and parenting work in this setup? How much are the parents responsible for raising the child, and how much of that has special workers assigned to things like education and childcare? There isn't really a clear place to summarize that information that I can see, but I think having a sense of it would give us some context for characters' motivations in having kids or not and how they would want to raise them. Pg 14-17 I like Al, and I can see the benefit of going back and forth between his current project and the work with the river, but I feel like the transitions could be less jumpy. Some sort of veering off points from his current work that makes him think of something related in the filtration struggle. I’d been expecting this is the paint trading paragraph, and was waiting for the reason the filtration workers happened to have extra paint or had tried using it in the sterilization efforts or something. Instead of thoughts of one feeding into the other, it just feels a little disjoined at the moment. What’s he putting in the hanging plant holders? Developing a new building material and setting up the infrastructure to mine the resources, process them, and put them to actual functional use in a couple months? Without entirely wiping out their energy supplies? Managing this sounds like something far beyond the capabilities of our admin team. Well…enjoy your happy little apartment, Al. I have suspicions that things will be going downhill again for you soon.

Way behind on this one. Sorry about that! Pg 1: I feel like there’s a lot going on in the first sentence. I like the idea of opening with the psychic empath link, but the interest-factor of that is getting drowned out by the rest of the sentence. “trick he had picked up from…” I like this introduction to Z (focusing on S’s ability). “…note that had shown up…” I’ll just let you find other tense issues going forward. Keep an eye out for any time the narrative is focusing on things that happened in the past. “It made the emotions…” this sentence could be split into two for clarity. Pg 2: “normal telepath…” are people able to trick telepaths by intentionally thinking misleading things? Seems to me like S is able to pick up quite a lot from his own powers, but I do get the frustration with it feeling like a lesser ability. Pg 3: “S knew that she meant…” This detail could be introduced a little more smoothly. Even just cutting the “S knew that”. If it’s in his pov, any detail he’s providing is something he knows (I say. As if I don’t do exactly the same thing far too often) Similar through this paragraph. A couple of blunt details is fine, but the new terms and names here make it come across clunkier than it would otherwise. Maybe trim down just to what we need to know here and squeeze in the rest later? I don’t think there’s any issue with getting the exposition this way, but I do think it could be smoothed over a bit. A couple of tense errors through here. Pg 4: “Despite how…” the wording of this is a little clunky. “After a pause…” I think implying the info in this paragraph through Z’s comments manner before now would be stronger than adding it here. Especially since we haven’t gotten a sense of a problematic theocracy at this point. Showing that through Z’s resentment of it is going to make it stick better than a paragraph summary. It could probably just be a couple lines. Someone doing something or a cultural expectation that really defines that theocracy, and having Z grumble about it or be visibly bothered by it. By definition, “theocracy” isn’t quite accurate. There being an HR and princes/princesses implies that it’s still a monarchy, even if it’s a very religiously motivated one. Maybe a theocratic monarchy? I just don’t like that as a term because it blurs the lines of where the ultimate authority is supposed to be coming from. And if said government is abusive, I think it’s important to determine whether it’s the deity or the king that is the problem. Unless that distinction is something you’d be planning to address at some point in the story, in which case you’re probably alright to sort of conflate the terms or have the characters use not-quite-accurate terms. In a true theocracy, the ultimate authority is the deity, with prophets representing the deity to the people (bringing messages from the deity) and priests representing the people before the deity (ensuring that the people aren’t offending the deity. Performing whatever rituals might be required, etc.). There isn’t really a place for a royal family in that sort of theocractic structure. I think most readers would understand what you mean by theocracy, since it tends to get erroneously lumped in with the ideas certain religious subgroups aim for, but it’s an area where you’ll want to be really careful of the terms you’re using. Conflating the two ideas can get…dicey if your story is going to spend a lot of page-time addressing the issues of problematic religious-motivated governments. Feel free to poke at that more if you’d like further thoughts, but I’ll leave it there for now. I like the final line of the scene. Just need a little more setup for it. And to make sure the terms are correct. Pg 5: “behemoth” seems off to me tone-wise from S, because it comes across as an insult when it’s used to define how she doesn’t fit the expected gender norm (and tends to read as monstrous). If S has also run into situations where he doesn’t fit expected gender norms (which I’m assuming, based on previous versions, but you may have changed some of that) I’d expect him to be especially sensitive to that sort of terminology. If there was some sort of social perception that Z was some giant monster because she’s taller than other women, you’ll probably want to make sure that the phrasing specifies who has that perception. S? Or the people around them? Pg 6: “god and his angel” So…is the RA human? What’s depicted here seems more like a prophet or priest. I’d expect something more supernatural for an angel. Jot this down in the things almost no one but me cares about, but I’m wondering where our RG term/name comes from. Because these are the things I wonder about in my free time (I’m really fun at parties) The RA seems to be an official title associating them with the RG, so that checks out. Is RG the god’s official name? Are there non-red gods that are also acknowledged? Is it some sort of nickname? Trying to figure out what the modifier accomplishes and what it says about the deity and the rules of the religion. Is it a sort of whispered reference because it’s impure to utter the deity’s true name? Is it a description/title to distinguish it from other deities? Is it the official name? If so, why the modifier? What is it distinguishing the god from, and why is the redness important? What does it add to the god-ness of the RG? I’m sure the following is lacking depth, because I’m referencing the internet and not a Biblical Hebrew expert, but as a comparison, terms used for the Judeo Christian God that include modifiers are things like “Elohim”- God, the creator. “El Sheddai”- Almighty God. “El Olam” – Eternal God. They’re treated as proper names in English, but ultimately, they’re descriptions emphasizing what the people find worthy of worship. Just things to think about while worldbuilding the religion. We don’t need to get this described thoroughly in-text here (unless I’m your only reader), but the characters’ understanding of the deity should be reflected in how they refer to it/them. Especially in casual use. “giving out money…” whose money? “Could have done without…” wording is a little confusing.’ “They’re scared of the RA…” why? What happens if the RA decides this? This ties back into how people regard the religion. Is handing over money a matter of respecting their religious duties? Is there something more actively threatening their health, wealth, and well-being? Pg 7: Do we know why she’s calling it blood money? S doesn’t seem to challenge her on the wording, even though he seems to be fine with the system. Pg 8: More tense issues. Oh hey. An answer to one of my nit-picky religion questions. Feel free to ignore the rambling on that topic above. I’d gotten the impression that the RG was their primary deity (or that it is enough of a primary deity for X- people (these are the locals?) to consider him their only god). I’m sure I’ll have further nit-picky religion thoughts to offer later Pg 9: How much ability does S actually have to do anything for the refugees, and how much ability does Z think he has? The “you neglected the people…” suggests that S, himself is at fault, but I hadn’t gotten the impression that he has been doing any of the decision-making. Pg 10: “…to say he didn’t speak it…” Learning a language might be difficult, but memorizing a phrase or two isn’t. Pg 11: I don’t have a good sense of how much S actually cares about the refugees. He seems to say that he’s sympathetic, and he’s describing the emotions of the refugees, but I’m not actually getting his emotions about their conditions and situation. So the titles/colors of the gods have some association with the crystal colors. I think. I like that idea. Is this common knowledge among the people? I will say I’m still finding the god-names a sticking point, because I overthink names and I overthink religion-building details. So the point where those cross is bound to be a mess. If they have well-known character-color associations, I’d think knowing the gods as “The Great Empath” or “The Great Telepath” or whatever is relevant for the other deities would be more intuitive for how the people would refer to them. Dead body in the desert? I assume we’d smell it before we saw it. Not sure there would be a good way to “preserve” it for very long under the current conditions. Also, wasn’t S’s idea to go see the RA, which then led to Z wanting to show the contrast of the refugees? So how was she planning to get him over there to go see the body before it started decomposing. Might be worth adding a comment when she leads him to the refugees along the lines of “I meant to show you anyway, but now it’s even more important that you see it.” Pg 12: I have questions about the RA and why he’s spending his free time wandering around refugee camps…seems like he would have more important things to be doing… I like the religion detail here a lot, but it could be smoothed over a bit. Especially like the distinction of the L people not believing in the other races’ deities. That definitely feels like a realistic outcome to have in a setting where different races are “represented” (not sure if that’s quite the right word, but it’s the closest I can think of) by different deities. Do we get to know what ability the red crystals enable? Are “psychic” powers different from “telepath” powers? My initial thought upon reading was that telepathy and empathy were subsets of the possible psychic powers, but I’m not sure that’s the case. Also, this knowledge that the RG and RA aren’t really supposed to be in H makes me wonder why S (or really, the city as a whole) isn’t far more concerned with the RA’s presence there. Especially if they’re generally associated with conquest, and aren’t known for being friendly toward the other deities. Seems to me like a pretty quick jump for people to make that the L people want to take over H and wipe out the other religions. Pg 15: “My guess…” Not sure why Z seems to be almost gloating about this point? Also, this line makes it feel like the chapter has taken a sharp turn here. I wonder if it would help to have S pick up on some uneasiness or impatience or something from Z earlier on or have him say that he needs to get back, but she distracts him with something else. Something to imply that she’s hiding something or keeping him away from something. “lover” I assume that if same-sex relationships are illegal, there’s also likely to be a good deal of frowning upon “lovers” among those who are unmarried? Z may not care, but I assume there would be some social conditioning to avoid the term. And S being an empath gives him an easy way to read beyond the use of a term like “partner” or an awkward “my—a friend of mine—is unleashing…” Overall: This is a huge improvement over the previous opening, in my opinion. I have a much better picture of the setting, character, and conflicts from reading this than I have had from other chapters. And all in one chapter instead of spread over several. Nice improvements. 1. Overall, I think the exposition works really well. There are a couple spots where the prose could use an editing pass to make the text smoother (I think clunky spots are a little more exposed in exposition sections), and a couple spots where accompanying exposition with character reactions could make it stronger, but there’s definitely a lot less getting bogged down this way. 2. I think catching violence happening in the moment would be stronger. And would also stop my whining about bodies decomposing in desert environments.

Overall: Welcome and congratulations on your first submission! It’s been quite a while since I’ve read anything featuring superheroes, so it’s nice to see that coming through here After reading this section, I am definitely interested in seeing where this is going, but feel like I could use a better sense of the story direction and scale in these first chapters. The description is detailed and well done in many places, but leans toward slowing things down by having a little too much of it right at the start. Sticking with the more vivid descriptions and trimming down the rest would probably be a big help in making sure the pages aren’t dragging without losing the fun of an interesting setting. I love multi-pov stories and have wrestled with a lot of different challenges related to them in my own writing, so I know how tricky they can be. Especially when it comes to introductions. I’m a little concerned here about not having enough of a framework at the start to know where to place the multiple povs. We get the existence of at least one superpowered person in Chapter 1 (though it also hits me as more of a prologue), working for mysterious …people? Organization? Not sure. We get that there’s at least one person either working against him or trying to stop him, but not having a sense of who he’s working for or what’s driving him makes it hard to get a sense of what’s actually going on in that scene. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to take away from it. M is betrayed and is left dead or near death, but we don’t have any sense of what that means for the characters discovering their powers in the next scenes. I assume either M or MD’s organization is going to recruit the other pov characters, but I think we could use a couple more solid details in there to hang some guesses on, even if we’re being set up to be wrong about them. I also really like the idea of a superheroes finding their powers story, but I think the medium of written fiction makes it tricky to introduce characters in quick snippets and still have us remember who they are. I ramble about this a bit in the LBLs, because being married to someone whose storytelling medium of choice is audiofiction, I think a lot about pros and cons of different mediums for given stories. Individually, the detail and characters and the hook of power-discovery could be effective, but each section being short and not having a sense of the greater framework yet makes it harder for me to get my bearings for how they all tie into the overall story. Without knowing that the MCs all come together in the “thrown into a van” scene you mention, we don’t have much sense of direction. I almost wonder if following one pov until then, then doubling-back with a series of “earlier that day” flashbacks might tie things together better without losing the opportunities to show the power-discovery moments (and providing more tension to things that seem like everyday, taken-for-granted moments). Beyond that, I am wondering how you’re going to fit 4 povs into 40k words while giving each character some sort of arc. I recently heard someone explain multi-pov novels as multiple, intertwined novels. And while I could probably hem and haw on my feelings about that summarization for days, I do think it is a good idea to keep in mind for a very rough sense of word count, because each significant pov character should have their own conflicts, arcs, etc. which will need page space to be conveyed. And now, based on @Sarah B's comparison to X-Men and Heroes, I sort of want to go watch them and see how those handle character screentime and plot arc balances… Pg 1: We get some solid tension in the first paragraph, but the amount of description in the second dissipates it pretty quickly. It’s good description, but it’s pulling us away from the sense of urgency. “For f’s sake.” Other people are probably less concerned about this, but too much profanity gets to me pretty quickly if it’s just used to express that something bad is happening, so seeing this in the first line of dialogue makes me cautious of how extensive it’s going to be. Also, agent makes me think that she’s some sort of spy or something similar (something on the “good guys” side), so I’m confused as to why she’s breaking into bank vaults. Or why M is. I don’t think a holster in a blazer would be an effective conceal carry option for women’s business clothing. Even if it’s a custom tailored blazer. In general, you’d want a handgun strapped to the body for quick access and minimal risk of the outline showing or someone noticing when they bump into her. A waistband conceal-carry holster probably isn’t going to work with a pencil skirt, but a belly band holster of some sort, covered by the blazer is probably going to be more stable and more accessible than trying to get a pistol out of an internal blazer pocket. Also, a taser is mentioned, but we don’t see any reason for it to be in her hand. Did they just knock out a guard somewhere? “Noisiest floors…” That would be the shoes. Women’s dress shoes are horribly loud on anything that isn’t carpet. The description of how he thinks about his ability is good here. Easy for the reader to latch onto and follow, though I’m not sure about the single quotes formatting-wise. Makes me think too much of someone standing there doing air-quotes, which feels silly. Pg 2: “size meant nothing…” This feels like an odd detail to mention. I think it’s going for a “it could contain anything” feel, but I keep getting stuck on the idea that flash drives do have storage limitations, which makes the idea of size meaning nothing seem inaccurate. “They could hear…” pov jump. If we’re in M’s head, we don’t know what MD hears. “…trigger on her pistol.” The phrasing here could be clarified to make sure the gun is appearing on-page before the trigger is pulled. Lifting an arm and pointing a gun are two different pictures for the reader to have in their head, and while there’s a place for being coy for a reveal, only mentioning the pistol after the mention of the trigger-pull feels out of order to me here. Also, how does he not see the pistol? Pistols aren’t massive, but they’re not small enough to be easily missed. And she’s probably still going to be shooting two-handed unless there’s a really good reason for her not to be. Far better control if there’s any chance of him putting up a fight. “’…digital barrier.’ MD hissed…” I hadn’t commented on this above because I’d thought it was a couple typos, but if you’re tagging dialogue with a saidism ( “he said”, “she replied”, “they snapped”, etc.) there should be commas instead of periods at the end of dialogue lines. https://thewritelife.com/dialogue-tags/ You could also switch up the sentence structure a bit when it comes to dialogue. In general the dialogue tags you use through here flow well, and I wasn’t getting caught up on them, which is a good thing, but it’s something you may want to keep an eye on. Too many saidisms, or too much parallel structure when it comes to dialogue can make the pacing drag. I’d like to see more of M’s reaction to being shot. I think some of the blocking/setup of the shooting has to be reworked for MD’s ruse to have a chance of working. Especially if they’re close enough to have their footsteps audible. M’s been shot multiple times to the point of being near death. Chances are, he’s not going to have shot her after having been shot three times. If she’s trying to play the harmless captive, she should probably be the one shot first (and scream then), to then have supposedly wrestled the gun away and shot him multiple times. This will probably also go back to the question of her weapon-carrying choices, because if she had any sort of holster (especially if he doesn’t), or is carrying any spare ammo, or still has a taser, that immediately makes her story fishy. And I don’t think anyone with any basic gun safety knowledge would advocate for carrying a loaded handgun in a blazer pocket without a holster. Though I now want to check on that with a friend of mine who conceal-carries regularly. Pg 3: After the initial teenager descriptor, sticking with pronouns might make things a little clearer. “The croaky voice groaned as the figure hauled itself…” this sentence makes it hard to tell if we’re just talking about the teenager or if there’s another person. As long as he’s the only one in the scene at the start, using additional descriptors is going to add confusion. I feel like I’ve been nit-picky about a lot of things, but the detail of a lot of the description is good. You’ll just want to make sure there isn’t too much of it before we’re hooked into the story. I especially like the ringtone alarm description. Is this YA or adult? The teenage pov here suggests the former, but the two f-words in three pages shifts toward the latter. “of the cricket…” I feel like there’s a word or phrase missing at the end of this sentence. 42 C seems…very hot. Might be worth adding some brief context on where this falls compared to normal temps for the area (is it average or unseasonably warm) and maybe call out the location here. I have no problem with forcing Americans to deal with Celsius, but some context for what 42 C means to the character might be helpful for those who aren’t as familiar. As someone who lives in an area where almost no one has AC in their homes because we rarely get temps above 90F (and when we do, it’s miserably humid and the town is sending out “check on your neighbors” e-mails), the idea of someone casually mentioning a forecast of 42C sounds, to me, like a terrifying hellscape. Of course, after all of that, the beginning of the next paragraph gives us that context. I’m not sure if that’s close enough to prevent the terrifying hellscape image if I wasn’t reading in critique-mode or not. “viscous paste” I would associate this with humidity, not dry heat, but that could just be my skewed temperature perception. There’s a lot of scene/setting detailing here, and it’s well done, but I think you can get away with just a couple of those details and still get the basics of the setting across without sacrificing pacing. Cricket, skinks, and Celsius temps are enough for me to be intrigued by the setting without needing too much further digging into it right at the start when we want more of the characters’ goals and motivations. Pg 5: Aaaand we’re 3 F-words for 5 pages. If I were reading this in a book, I’d be getting a little frustrated with it. The new pov jumping back to a flashback after two paragraphs is a bit sudden. Especially when the scene ends up being almost more flashback than present narrative. Pg 6: I like the idea of the text transition between scenes, but I’m not sure it comes across as well in text as it would in an audio or visual medium. In audio/visual mediums, you can merge the dialogue of one scene into the next and have other cues for the scene break, but in text, you need the line break to indicate the scene change, and that’s also going to create a larger visual break in anything you want to carry over, so the transition isn’t as smooth. Pg 7-8 The multi-pov setup as you’re doing it here is another thing that is trickier in this format than it would be in a tv show or movie. In something visual, you can see the setting (location, weather, time of day, etc.), the number of people, and emotional cues in expression (plus other things I’m probably not thinking of) all in an instant. In text, you have to introduce each of those things to ground the reader in the scene, which takes up page-space. Once we know the characters, there are shortcuts that can jump into those scenes more quickly, but with these really short introductions to characters and scenes we haven’t seen before, it’s hard to get bearings in an individual pov before moving on to the next one. Pg 9: Again, there’s a lot of good setting-defining detail here, but I’d find it easier to absorb if I already had a sense of who Z is and what his story goals are. There’s a lot about this submission that I enjoyed and it promises a story I could enjoy reading. Just some structural hurdles getting in the way here at the beginning. Interested in seeing where things go from here! Well done!

Pg 1: “All military personnel…” the list here could be smoothed out a bit. Also, ending with “any other benefits one could imagine” seems vague after the detail of the rest of the list. “rushed through certification…” sounds fine. “His index finger wasn’t closing…” This paragraph feels off to me, though whether that’s a problem or not probably depends on how central An’s amputation/prosthetic are going forward. Having user adjustment capabilities at that level on a prosthetic device itself seems like a bad idea from a design standpoint. Especially if these are some sort of shelf-model that they brought with them and have been sitting around for a while, which would be intended as a more one-size-fits-all solution than a custom prosthetic (where you might have specific ranges allowed for the user to make adjustments). I’m sure there’s a certain amount of sci-fi hand-waving that can come into play here, but I spent a solid year or so testing prosthetic ankle prototypes, and can say that when we had to adjust joint tension or sensor sensitivity/response time, it was an extensive process, because there were electrical, mechanical, and hydraulic systems all working together, and it could be really hard to tell which part of that was off. Working with an ankle prosthetic, we only had to adjust one joint, and it still took time. I can only imagine the amount of effort that would have to go into making minor adjustments to several finger joints. And “fiddling” seems like very much the wrong term because there are multiple factors controlling the movement. If it’s not vitally important that he’s capable of making the adjustments himself, it might be better to show the Vagal capabilities/awareness by making him frustrated with the subtle timing differences/force differences of the individual fingers but unable to do anything about it because the engineers never trust the end users to do anything without breaking their devices. Some of those differences he’s noticing could even be built in to make common grips more energy-efficient. Otherwise, the device is wasting battery power on movements that don’t have any practical use. You may also want to think about what general physical/device maintenance looks like with the prosthetic. What’s the limb/device interface look like (how much sensor input does the user actually have? Is it based on residual muscle signals? Or is there tech that’s allowing it to be controlled directly by whatever parts of the brain would be controlling those movements if it was still a natural hand)? How often does he expect to go without it? If he’s wearing it all the time, he’s going to end up with hot spots, pressure sores, blisters, and bruising on the stump, and the fit is going to change as muscle deteriorates around the residual limb. They also would have had to wait for the wound to be fully healed before doing basic fitting (can’t remember how that fits with the timeline), as swelling and inflammation would have affected fit, and poor fit (and overuse while getting used to the fit because callouses haven’t developed yet) accelerates the rate that those pressure sores and the like would show up. How often does it need to be charged, and how is it charged? I know a lot of our product testing volunteers (mostly active, formerly military) mentioned that their main frustrations with their prosthetics weren’t the mobility limitations of the limbs themselves, but that they were tethered to civilization by battery life. There are huge challenges in prosthetic markets related to battery capacity vs. wearable weight, because powered prosthetics are getting nearly-constant use, but added weight is a physical strain on the wearer (which then leads to more overuse injury and not being able to use the device at all until things heal). You can argue some of that away with future tech, but when the settlement’s power shortage is a bit of a time bomb, it’s worth considering why super-efficient batteries in prosthetics aren’t being extracted for use elsewhere. But anyway. Pg 2: Related to the above the word choice of “fraction of a second different” seems odd, when being a fraction of a second faster or slower would make more sense as something he’s trying to adjust. “eight weeks” I’d check with someone on the medical side of things about whether that seems accurate. “installation” so…is this more of a physical augmentation than a prosthetic? If so, there will probably be different things from the above rambling to consider, but the power detail becomes even more important because he’s not swapping out the powered prosthetic that he uses for precision work-tasks (and charges when it’s not in use) for an unpowered one. Chances are, a prosthetic designed for precision work isn’t going to be as sturdy as something designed for more rugged tasks. On the lower-body side of things, a lot of the amputees we worked with had a knee/ankle for everyday use (usually powered, and therefore limited by battery life) and one for running (usually very basic, mechanical, designed pretty much just to bear running loads). I’m not sure what the upper-body parallels would need there, but doubt you should be lifting weights or doing any sort of grappling/combat training with the same prosthetic you’re using for precision tasks. There’s a strength/dexterity trade-off there that would make something designed for both an inconvenient choice for either independently. Pg 3: “came back to the same patch…” this is information we’ve gotten in other sections. Having him acknowledge it briefly so that we know his level of knowledge is helpful, but too much more than that is going to get repetitive. Pg 4: “Perhaps he’d name…” this thought seems to come out of nowhere. I like the mental association comparing the adaptation of the implant with the adaptation of the biomass Pg 5: I really like the description of the not-apple through here. It is quite effectively concerning and disgusting. Pg 6: How many of these plants are transplants from the ship, and how many are being grown from scratch? Because we haven’t been here all that long. Growing new plants until they’re large enough to produce test-fruits is going to take quite a while. Pg 7: “What they needed was a way to fight…” Another spot that borders on repetitive. Especially since F doesn’t exactly read as a fighter. So having him speaking in these terms seems odd. Pg 10: “want parents to raise their own children.” Curious what this means in regard to childcare for workers or social norms for family structures in that regard. I think part of the back and forth here plays into why I want A and D’s conflict spelled out a little more early on. I see more of the clear dichotomy of wants kids vs. doesn’t want kids in fiction these days, especially as compared or contrasted with the “expected biological response” to such things. And while presenting the “This person is ‘supposed’ to want kids, but doesn’t” perspective is a good thing, I’d like to see more of the middle-ground. The “I don’t even know what I want.” Or the “I like little kids but am terrified of them being older.” Or “I like bigger kids, but the tiny ones terrify me.” Or “I love the idea of leaving a biological legacy of children, but the thought of actually raising them is terrifying.” Or “All I’ve ever wanted was to raise kids, but biological factors prevent it” Or any other number of the possible in-between perspectives that don’t line up with a clear wanting or not wanting kids. I think seeing A and D’s conversations early on, I was hoping to see a more complicated (and, to me, more realistic/relatable) perspective dug into a bit, so every time it’s glossed over, it bothers me. Because understanding A’s uncertainty on the topic better would be extremely helpful for my engagement with her character. Pg 11: “He took an open seat…” J is referred to by he/him a couple times on this page. Pg 12: “real pushy…” dang. Jerk. You deserve better, J. “synapses” asked is used here, but the second half of the dialogue isn’t a question. “fungus alcohol.” Oh boy. Pg 14: Aww. Poor J. Overall: Ramblings comments aside, I enjoyed the individual scenes of the chapter. My only real concern is what I mentioned with the repetition of some of the fungus details. I know some of that is important so that we have a sense of when characters are up to speed, but when there are so many povs, that repeated information really makes things drag the third or fourth time we see it.

Only realized today that this ended up in my spam folder. Hoping to get caught up on it and the others this weekend!

After several weeks of passing every boring (but really annoying), non-covid sickness through everyone in my house, we've finally all been well enough for me to get some writing done. I won't be ready for the 28th, but if I can have a spot for April 4, that would be great.

This also ended up in my spam folder for whatever reason. Pg 1: I like the being’s parent/child interpretation. Though does it think of produced subpart-beings (or however one might refer to them) as “children”? “Likely a recessive…ring of death.” Are these traits the being is viewing as unwanted? Or traits that it thinks the “parents” are viewing as unwanted (and therefore trying to take out as it dies)? I’d read it as the latter, but was then confused by whether the “offending” trait in the next sentence was offending the being or the “children” offending the “parents”. Mostly just not clear on what those lines are getting at. Pg 2: “offensive cast” unclear what this is referring to. Probably due to the previous confusion. “This many different forms…” What a happy terrifying planet monster. Pg 5: A’s name is missing the latter a in the second-to-last line. Also, cue whining about not knowing what to do with the mystery child-rearing-conflict between A and D. Pg 6: “I would never leave you.” Welp. It was nice knowing you, buddy. Had I asked about C’s name matching the “newer” naming conventions of being similar to but different from old Earth names? Weren’t they J’s aide from the start? The name keeps making me second-guess that. Pg 9: When did C become a fungus expert? Overall: I think the only issue I had beyond the things mentioned was that J’s scene felt like it went on a little longer than necessary. We have a pretty clear image from all of the viewpoints that fungus-monster is very quickly making their survival there difficult to impossible, so I don’t think we need that aspect of the scene drawn out as much as the plans for what to do about it. We get a good deal of the latter, which is good, but the explanation of how horrible the situation is feels a little repetitive. I’m sure that J being a less engaging character for me has something to do with that as well. I feel like she’s coming across as proactive (in that she’s at least handing out orders) but not all that competent or sympathetic. And even her proactiveness feels a lot like it’s coming from C, who is the one who is actually providing her with information. I see the benefit of having a pov within the admins, but I think it’s going to be stronger if we have a clearer sense of their motivation (really, the motivations of all the admins), and I haven’t gotten that from J. Sure, they all want to survive, but I’m not really even getting a ton of emotional attachment to that (or fear that they won’t survive). She wants to be the one in charge, but why? And is there anyone really standing in the way? She’s mentioned that the other admins are grabbing for power, but other than the one we assume is stock-piling weapons, we haven’t seen any actual sign of that (and really, we don’t even know if that’s a power-grab or reasonable self-defense on a hostile planet). Even in the previous meeting scene, everyone was pretty quick to let her make the calls on who was doing what. But I like all the other povs

Congrats on the first submission! It’s always fun to read submissions from new members. The writing overall is smooth and very readable through here, but I’d be careful of overwriting. There are a lot of adverbs, a lot of descriptive detail (excellent in small doses, but overwhelming when excessive), a lot of longer sentences or complicated sentence structures. All of that is forcing the reader to slow down to process (or just physically takes longer to read) which is slowing down the pacing. Especially in the action-y parts. I tend toward the same thing in early drafts (more in the complicated sentence structure and extra wordiness…sensory detail is not my best thing), and have had a lot of luck plugging chapters into this site https://hemingwayapp.com/ to find sentences where wordiness might be a problem. Not that every long sentence is bad, but the longer it is, the more chances there are for a reader to get tripped up in wording or punctuation. I do think we could use a little more setup for where G and company are going and why. Not a full history of the conflict between the kingdoms (I assume it’s kingdoms?) but enough to know what their specific goal/expectation is at the beginning of the chapter. And enough to add a little more color to the world setup. There are a few hints of fun worldbuilding, but a non-specific “riding into battle” scenario cut off by a non-specific ambush, followed by the appearance of a non-specific threatening enemy commander feels like something that could happen anywhere, in any world. What makes the world special, and why can this scene only take place here? A few strong details enforcing that for the reader would be really helpful in dragging it away from the generic-fantasy direction it’s currently leaning in. Pg 1: Careful of overwriting. Sensory detail is good in small doses, but can get overwhelming if piled on too thick. Gambeson plus mail plus breastplate seems like a lot if they aren’t under active threat while riding. Pg 2: “at home” How big is this chapel? Is it in his hometown? Home country? In his actual home (though I guess that would be more of a shrine)? Has he not seen the sacred tree close enough to see the shape of the leaves? I like opportunities for showing interesting world-building (so I tend to poke at those things when I see them ), and see some solid potential in the tree/leaf comparison, but you could probably push some of G’s associations there a little further to tell us more about him, his purpose, and the world he lives in. I especially like his wondering whether the whole forest is sacred, but feel like it’s missing a chance to point out the significance of that (and a chance to show-not-tell worldbuilding). If he’s devout, does the thought make him drop the leaf for fear of tarnishing something sacred? Is it the sort of sacred where he tucks the leaf away for later as a luck charm? Is the reason he’s going to kill tied into his understanding of what is sacred (Is he ashamed of killing under the observation of a potentially sacred forest? Or does it push him more intently to his purpose?). Pg 3: “In your position” Knowing that position would probably be helpful here. Knowing more about who G is and what his responsibilities are will make it easier to be sympathetic to his goals. Is he a common footsoldier who just wants to survive? Or is he some sort of leader, and has to keep a bunch of other people alive? Or somewhere in-between. How long are we holding off the reveal of who his father is? It’s being set up pretty firmly here, but if it’s something that would be on a back-of-book summary, that mystery isn’t going to hold the tension it would otherwise. Pg 4: Good, smooth dialogue flow, though you’ll want to keep an eye out for overwriting through here too. I’ve spent a lot of time in my own work trying to trim back places where I’ve broken up dialogue to add in facial expressions, unnecessary physical reactions, etc., so they jump out to me when I’m reading other things. For the most part, the dialogue here is strong enough that you don’t need the extra saidisms or physical reactions. The clear one being “Haven’t you…what?” which already conveys B’s confusion. (on the previous page) The dialogue is also clear enough that you could probably trim some of it back to avoid being too heavy-handed with the point. We get the point that G is inexperienced pretty quickly, so taking too much time to hammer it home makes the pacing lag. Also, we should probably get a better sense that there are more people with them than we do now. Even if you’re trying to set up a reveal for who G is, knowing that there are a whole bunch of soldiers with him presents a different image than just having him and B riding into some mission alone. Pg 5-6 What are his companions doing while this is happening? He’s worried about getting laughed at initially, but it takes a while for him to get to the horse and find the arrow (partly due to the extra description – again, great description, but a little too much of it – slowing down the pacing). What is going on around him between the stumble and the discovery of the arrow? “…breathing halted.” I imagine it would take far longer for the horse to die, and that would be a far louder, more miserable process. Pg 7: “the prince” Yeah. I think this would be more useful early on. A prince who is expected to command soldiers being afraid of bloodshed carries its own assumed tension and conflict of fear vs. responsibility. Some random sympathetic foot soldier doesn’t have that implied (what’s stopping him from just chickening out when it comes to it?). And if his title is going to be mentioned in any back of book summaries or blurbs, it ceases to be a reveal. It might also be helpful to set up at the beginning how long they expect to travel before they meet the enemy. A comment that they’d have to put the real armor on when they stopped for lunch or having G nervous and a little paranoid if it’s expected sooner. Then when he realizes that they’re under attack here, making it clear that it’s not what was expected. Having G call it out in his thoughts as an ambush or one of the other characters shouting it as a warning to the other soldiers. It’s also probably worth setting up a little more emphasis on the book when it is mentioned earlier. Just an extra detail to hang a lantern on it being important to him. Pg 8: If G is a prince, who is B, for G to obey him blindly as if he’s the authority figure? I’d also like to see more of a hint of where G’s skills lie if they aren’t in warfare. And why he was sent to lead (?) this group if he isn’t capable of actually keeping them safe. I don’t mind B stepping up to protect G, but want to see a little more from G. Pg 9-10: I’m having some trouble picturing the surroundings/blocking/etc. through here. Thanks for submitting! I like the bits of worldbuilding that are coming across in here (I just want to see more of them ), and am interested to see where they fit into the larger world!