C_Vallion

@Silk I'd like a tentative spot for tomorrow. Things are settling down after a crazy couple of weeks (always forget how hectic the first part of the coaching season are) so I'm trying to force myself to get back to the normal routine.

@Silk for good measure

Am I allowed to grab a tentative spot? First week of school and coaching hit harder than expected this year, but as long as there aren't any fires to put out this afternoon/evening, I should have my chapter set for tomorrow.

Pg 1: Would still like some more clarification on the rhythm thing. For whatever reason, I’ve been attached to the metaphor of coats and coat hooks for placing frameworks and reference details for concepts. Every time I come across the rhythm, I feel like I’m standing there holding a coat, looking desperately for a hook to hang it on so that I don’t stand there having to figure out what to do with it. Pg 1-4 I like these little snippets of what happens to those left behind. Pg 5: How far out is it that they start to see these things? They’re at ground level, so it makes sense that most smaller things would be hiding over the horizon, but if they’re seeing mountains on day 1, but haven’t reached them by day 2, I wonder how fast they’re going? And if it’s not that fast, how far out are the mountains in reality and why didn’t V notice them in his scouting flight? Pg 8: What is the landscape like here, that they can round a bend and find wind turbines that they couldn’t see before turning? 1. Nothing boring or confusing 2. No issues with characters’ thoughts or actions. I really enjoyed the story as a whole. I do think there are some adjustments to be made in the overall structure of it (but look on the bright side. It’s far less restructuring than I have ahead of me), but really love the concept and setting and tone of it. You mentioned the main thoughts I had in regard to things you intend to work on. I think the only other thing that I think could use some consideration is the overall kids vs. grown-ups setup. Though part of this is just a pet peeve for me, since I do a lot of mentoring and coaching work and get really frustrated when adults and kids fail to see each other as real people and drawing made-up “Well they just wouldn’t understand” lines when said individuals would probably understand far better than they’d expect. Part of me would like to find at least one adult who is able to get past what they’ve sacrificed for the town to be able to offer some wisdom to the kids. I think the explanation for why all of the adults are sort of horrible people checks out, but I would like to see more acknowledgment from C and company that the adults weren’t always as bad as they are now, and that the reason the adults had to sort of give up part of their decency was because they were trying to do what was best for the kids and weren’t able to keep the aftermath in line. I think there could be a little more time spent addressing the grief of missed opportunities in the parent-child relationships in the town because the parents had to give up aspects of themselves to give the kids what they thought was their best chance. To have that rewarded by the kids abandoning them to their doom in the cursed town feels like it’s skimming over something that could be a really interesting conflict. In many ways, their sacrifices and the resulting personalities did save the kids in that it gave them more motivation to get out of there, but none of that aspect of things is addressed. All of that being said, that definitely puts the focus on different things than you chose to. So feel free to ignore those rambling thoughts Congratulations on submitting through it all! I’ve really enjoyed the reading, and wish you luck with the revisions you have planned!

Pg 1: “Degrading” -> disintegrating? “I wasn’t ever planning on it.” That seems like a pretty clear lie. One that N should be able to recognize. Sidenote. How does N feel about people lying to each other or to him? “…you can tell me the next time I’m being one.” The wording of this sentence is a little clunky. Pg 2: “…the most relatable you’ve been…” also a slightly clunky sentence. The conversation here feels a little off. I know N hasn’t spent a ton of time in modern teenage non-fae social circles, but he’s interacted with people before. I assume the fae also have varying personalities or people who are “emotionally smart” vs. “academically smart”? He just seems a little too naïve here. Pg 3: The transition to “What do you want to do next?” seems like a really sudden shift from the discussion about whether or not N is truly human. “Of course that’s okay.” Is it, though? If he still seems upset about it, does that create issues with his only telling her the truth? Both the spirit and letter of the truth? Pg 5: “That’s not a good thing, N.” “But it has a name.” Hah. “Aren’t you worried about your girlfriend’s ex” This line seems rather un-socially-conscious of E. Like it’s up to N whether he thinks E and W can behave themselves without supervision. Like N shouldn’t trust W to be able to tell E to get out of there if he tries to do anything untoward. Which also seems really weird since everyone involved knows E isn’t attracted to W and doesn’t want to be in a relationship with her. I’d like to see W step in here to have an opinion and not just let the guys talk about whether or not N should be allowed to join a game at her house. Even just clarifying that E is her friend, not just her ex when E is making a big deal about whether or not she wants her ex joining them would be something. It just seems odd that he’s so set on referring to himself as her ex, when they seem to have developed a friendship that stands on its own merit. Almost seems like he’s the one making drama out of nothing here. Pg 6: Why has no one demanded an explanation for why E and B are together? Because every single time he mentions her, it’s some weird ominous thing, and he’s presented as a wise-beyond-his-years character. Like. They all openly acknowledge that she’s possessive and manipulative of him, and he bad-mouths her pretty regularly… I don’t get how neither N nor W have asked if he even likes her. Pg 7: “…good friends…don’t fit will with their partner.” I have no idea what this is saying. If it’s just that B is good to her friends, but doesn’t fit well with E, then why is there no obvious, blunt “So why are you her trying to be her partner?” It also makes it sound like E’s situation is supposed to seem normal. To have some unnamed outside thing forcing him into a relationship with someone he doesn’t like and who doesn’t like him. The “There are people out there…” makes it seem like an acceptable thing that he’s fine with. “She treats me the same way, and I’m human.” 1. Yeah. Why is he in this relationship? And 2. Didn’t we refer to N as human at the beginning of the chapter? Looking back, I guess he talks about having human emotions, not being human. But In page 1, W says “I’m the one who questioned your humanity” as if he is human and she didn’t treat him like it. “Good to her friends. Not who I click with…” So this just bluntly that he doesn’t want to be with her? Then why are his best friends (I assume?) not questioning it. “Sorry about not being tactful.” / “I expect nothing less…” seems like an odd thing to apologize for on W’s part, and sort of passive-aggressive on E’s. I think just leaving it at “You’re not wrong.” Would be better to get the point across. The whole conversation here with E feels a little odd. I’m not entirely sure what point E is trying to get across, and I’m getting too distracted by everyone ignoring the fact that he and B seem to hate each other. It seems like a roundabout approach to whatever they’re supposed to be discussing, but I don’t really get what the final conclusion is supposed to be. If it’s just that E and B hate each other, but need to be together for mysterious unspoken reasons, so N and W need to support him while he’s dealing with the loneliness and frustration, I think we could have gotten to that far more quickly and directly. Pg 8: “shouldn’t see my boyfriend as competition.” Ding ding ding! Glad to see her finally have this realization. Pg 12: “didn’t learn until recently that there was a name for this.” I thought we already knew that E was ace. Didn’t we learn that in one of the first few chapters? And if he had spent a lot of time interacting with W’s mom and amma, wouldn’t he have known the terminology just from hanging out with their family? They seem like the types to be pretty up front with those sorts of discussions. Pg 15: “like a rabbit going through a wire fence.” I’m not sure what this is supposed to look like. Pg 16 “if this is what I think it is…” this seems like an odd response from W. When she found out her mom was sick again, she ran off on her own in a burst of anger. To be pretty sure that the news is that her mom is dying, and to not only be pretty calm about it but to keep her friends around because it will affect the D&D schedule? I think this approach makes the tone of this page seem a little off. Like they’re gathering everyone in a big circle to hear the news that W has been afraid of, that has caused a good deal of past trauma for her, and that she and her family are probably going to need time to process together. I’m not sure what purpose it serves to have N and E stick around. Also, E and N have both lost parents. Wouldn’t one of them be able to guess what the serious phone call and amma’s tenseness are about? 1. I think my biggest issue in here is the odd back and forth about E and B and the trying to decide whether E should stay or not. I think E processing his sexuality is dealt with well, but couldn’t quite get past the idea that it seemed odd as a big reveal when I thought we knew that already. Not sure if that was just based on reading comment discussions or if there was enough in the text to make it pretty clear early on. My instinct is to say that we should have this a little earlier, but I do like the aspect of N and W sort of working together to help E (giving him the opportunity to talk to W’s parents about it, and the space to reveal it to W), and I think that strengthens the relationships on each leg of the friend triangle. I don’t know if that would have the same weight if the conversation took place before N and W have their big reveal/conflict. 2. I agree that W comes across better in the second half here, where she’s acknowledging that her thought patterns are unhealthy and inaccurate and is trying to work against it. 3. I didn’t notice any particular lack of main plot. We have more of the recovery and rebuilding of trust between N and W, which is certainly main plot. The fact that they’re also working together to help E fits alongside that well, even if it’s not exactly the same. Also, now that the fae detail is out in the open, the snide comments between E, N, and W referencing N’s fairy-ness keep that aspect in the story without the frustrations I was having before where seemingly-obvious clues were being ignored by smart characters. That’s one of the reasons I think moving that reveal earlier would be really helpful. You don’t need to spend too much time talking about the magic for it to be present, but until we have confirmation that it’s canon, the clues that have been dropped are too significant to quite believe that none of the characters would pick up on them.

I'd like a spot for Monday, please

Pg 1-4 Insert obligatory nit-picky concern about them boiling alive in the airplane overnight here. Other than that, I really like these first pages as they’re getting ready to go. It has a really great winding-down feel while also maintaining the ominous feeling that things are going too easily and something is going to stop them. Pg 5 “If he swings it at C…” Oh. That seems a bit extreme. Is this meant to be an omniscient pov? My first thought was that it was C’s pov, and that her assuming the mayor might try to kill her was a big jump for her to make. Then I wondered if it’s the mayor’s, in which case, man. Chill out, dude. Then we jump to GM shouting, and I assume we’re omniscient? This seems like the sort of thing that would bother me less if I wasn’t in critique-mode, but it's a little disorienting as it is. I think an omniscient pov might work here as long as it's clear immediately at the scene change, but at the moment the pov feels jumpy. Pg 6 “We’re a commodity…” I do appreciate GM’s willingness to tell it like it is. Pg 7: “Bad guys…” Hah. Nice. The sword hitting the mayor’s tire seems a little convenient. And probably unnecessary if they have a lead and would need to outrun him. Pg 9: I'm glad MD made it back. I was worried he was going to make a heroic sacrifice to stay behind and save them. I had a similar thought. I know some of the closing conflict has been about gathering all of the friends and taking care of last matters within the town, so maybe this would feel less rushed if I'd read the last few chapters in quicker succession leading into this, but this does go rather quickly. Maybe a little more inner-conflict in the kids when the mayor is trying to persuade them to go? Or they have to outrun him in their car? not sure. But something to maintain the tension here a little longer would probably help a lot. I also agree with @Ace of Hearts that a last stand with the mayor would carry more weight if he was a bigger threat from the beginning. Or at least from the middle. We know he's not a great guy, but other than him being the leader of the town, there hasn't really been that much to separate him from the other adults as being the one who should be desperate to make them stay. A little buildup earlier in that regard would go a long way in making their defeat/defiance of him more satisfying. 1. Nothing boring. The jumpy pov was a little confusing. Not to a point that you couldn't tell what was going on, but distracting a bit. 2. Thoughts and actions all seem to make sense

Pg 1-2: W seems really casual about all of this at the opening. Like she’s just taking it all in stride. Also, it seems odd that she thinks the conversation with J, of all things, should have been what tipped her off after any number of odd interactions with N and the flowers before. “worldview” seems like an odd word to reach for if this has thrown her for a loop. The second half of the sentence feels like a more fitting response on its own Anticipating the questions about the magic system: the “what else can you do?” and “lots of little tricks” exchange definitely creates a wishy-washy feeling to things. It seems to be trying to create some definition for a magic system (implying a harder magic system), but doesn’t actually follow through on giving any information (which is fine if it’s a softer magic system). Especially since it seems like an odd spot for W to ask that if she’s upset and recognizes that he’s also upset. I think jumping straight to the “are you human?” question would both fit her level of shock better and avoid pushing the understanding of the magic system in an unhelpful direction. The dialogue through here doesn’t quite match the emotions. It’s clear that they’re both supposed to be upset and flustered to some extent, but I can’t tell if W is feeling betrayed or angry or shocked or some blend of all of those, and the dialogue on both sides seems too calm and levelheaded to fit what’s happening. Same going onto page 2 through the end of the scene. There’s a disconnect between what it seems like the characters are supposed to be feeling and what they seem to actually be feeling Pg 3: “What a superpower that would be.” Ugh. Yeah. I’ve had some rough days recently when I would have loved to have that superpower. I’d like to see W trying to fight off some of her self-pity more. She just seems so resigned to it. I know you’re trying to tie it into her sensitivity to rejection and that you’re still figuring out some aspects of her neurodiversity, but I think we can be made aware of her struggles with falling into this pattern without having it spelled out every time. A little bit goes a long way toward getting the point across on this front. Too much comes across as whining and moping pretty quickly, unfortunately, even if we understand how much she’s struggling with things. Pg 4: Good job to E on calling her out here. This is much more engaging than watching her muddle through on her own. “Either someone is in one or they aren’t.” I don’t have as many issues with W’s character as some of the others sometimes seem to, but when she’s been the one pushing for the casualness of her relationship with N, and trying to keep things from seeming too serious, it seems entirely unfair for her to get upset about the “mixture of both” that she’s spent this whole time creating. It comes across as her blaming him or circumstances in general, where she’s been the one to keep things in that sort of in-between stage. It also seems odd for her to find the magic threatening, when all she’s ever seen of it is him telling the truth and making flowers grow and being concerned about iron. If she has some knowledge of some of the darker fae myths, we probably should have gotten the impression of that before now, and she probably should have recognized some of the traits for what they were earlier as well. Pg 5-8 E still seems far more self-aware than I’d expect from a high schooler. And for someone who says he is taking a side, he seems to pretty easily step into the completely neutral, third party, voice of reason role. Ultimately, I think parts of this conversation with E could have come earlier. At least the parts associated with relationships in general. I find it hard to believe that she’s that naïve about relationships, even if she’s not great at social interactions herself. If she’s used to watching people and copying behaviors or social mannerisms, she should have lots of experience watching other relationships and how they go badly due to lack of communication or misunderstandings. She may not be good at actually applying that knowledge, but I find it difficult to believe that she doesn’t see those things. Having some of this calling out earlier in the story could also provide some motivation for her to hold herself accountable to fighting against her destructive thought patterns, which would probably be helpful for general character engagement throughout. To recognize when she’s moping or self-pitying and trying to find a way to deal with it instead of just being resigned to it. Also, I think the conversation with E goes on a little too long in general. Pg 9: “He wants me to do better, and so do I.” Yeah. I want to see some of this thought process a little earlier on in the story so that she has it to fall back on and motivate her to push back against her natural thought tendencies. Pg 10: “I start appreciating his advice more now that it’s harsh. Not that it makes a ton of sense…” This also fits my thought of her having mild ASD. Wanting clarity instead of ambiguity, even if the clear answer would come across as harsh to most people. It actually seems like N would be a really good match in that regard because he sort of has to give her clarity. She just needs to learn to ask the right questions. “It’s past time…” This is true, but feels like an odd conclusion to come to since not much time seems to have passed in the way of page time. They had their conflict at the beginning of this chapter, so it doesn’t feel like she’s been avoiding him or putting off talking to him. I think we need to see more inner conflict on this point for it to hit the right note here. Something about her ignoring texts from him or avoiding him in school or thinking about texting/calling him and deciding otherwise. Something that shows both that she’s intentionally avoiding talking to him and that time is passing. 1. I like that she has a real discussion with E, and that he calls her out about her behavior. I think it ends up falling into the trap of some of my conversational chapters, where it goes on longer than it needs to, or could benefit from some of the conversation happening earlier in the story, but it addresses important things and I’m glad to see W seem to respond well to it. 2. Mostly mentioned in the LBLs. Definitely still some issues with how W is coming across that I think are fixable if she’s more aware of her thought patterns and learns how to confront them earlier in the story (even if she’s not very good at it. That’s a learned skill as much as many other things are.). I like some aspects of W’s character a lot, but I think she needs some better definition in some areas to hit well for most readers. 3. I don’t have too much issue with how the magic has been portrayed up until this point except that I think it needs to be a little more present, and to have W be a little more observant of it (even if she doesn’t know what to make of the observations). This is the first chapter that feels a little more on the nose in acknowledging the magic, but if I’m reading something in a fantasy genre, I want to be able to recognize that it’s a fantasy genre throughout, even if it’s just small touches that make it seem like there’s more going on than a non-fantasy high school romance. 4. I think whichever way you go with this, you’ll want to make things clear enough that people who aren’t familiar with the actual condition will be able to tie things together. I recognized some of the mild autism markers because that’s something I’ve done some looking into, but I don’t know if it would jump out to most readers. I don’t think I would have ever caught on to the rejection sensitivity aspect of ADHD because I’m not as familiar with it. So I recognized the tendency to hold people at a distance to avoid being let down or letting them down, but wouldn’t have tied it to anything else. Depending on how important it is that the reader is aware of her neurodiversity, you may want to call it out a little more clearly so that they can have a better understanding of what she’s working with. If we see paranoia or defensiveness, it might come across as a response to her past trauma around her mom’s illness or just as general whininess if we don’t have an alternative explanation for it. Which might be fine, depending on what you’re aiming for, but might also make the character engagement challenge more difficult on your end. As usual, those thoughts are a little rambling, but hopefully also a little helpful? Looking forward to seeing how our conversation with N goes!

Pg 1: The plane! Excellent! My concerns about the solution to the fire problem were unfounded. The fact that the plane has played a reasonably significant part in the setting thus far definitely removes the deus ex machina issue I was concerned about. Now I just need to be convinced that GM could have actually gotten trapped in the ring of fire Pg 2: The troublesome part of me has questions about plane fuel sources. Especially since it was described before as being pretty big. That’s going to take a good deal of power to get into the air. Though I’ll admit that the other half of me doesn’t care and just wants that half to be quiet and watch us fly the plane through the wall of the barn, whether it makes sense or not. I think just saying that it’s ashen and therefore, somehow able to run off of whatever hopes and dreams were fed into it (or something) when it was made might be enough. Pg 3: “not as though three less fewer children…” Pg 9: The inside of the plane being cool feels off to me. Since even if the plane can’t burn, it’s not going to be a perfect insulator against heat. It might not be broiling hot yet, but “comfortably” cool might be a stretch. Might be worthwhile to mention them moving the plane away from the flames for good measure on that front as well. Because the longer it’s staying close to the fire, the hotter it’s going to get inside. There can be a little bit of ashen hand-waving here, but I’ve probably taken too many heat transfer classes to entirely suspend disbelief. Pg 10: This seems like a pretty sudden change from GM. When she ran off from the barn a few chapters ago, she was determined to go burn the town down, then she proceeded to try to do that in a sort of vengeance spree. That went badly and left opportunities for her to have learned from her mistakes, but I’d expect it to take a little more time to make that shift. Or to go in smaller steps. Maybe wanting to get out of there first, then later accepting that C was right. The response here seems a little too humble and gracious for the GM we’ve seen. Even if she’s a bit shaken after her experience. Would also mention some warning about low fuel when T first gets the plane functioning so that it running out here doesn’t seem quite so plot convenient. GM’s sass about plane refueling is a better fit for what I’d still expect from her. Pg 11-12 Really, I think that without the initial admitting that C was right, GM works fine through here. The quiet, processing with some snapping at T and C makes far more sense, and will still seem odd enough to them. I think the “clumsy attempt to be less awful” at the end is more reasonable pacing for GM’s character shift. I think it would take a little longer to work up the humility to admit that C was right. 1) Nothing specific 2) My thoughts about GM are addressed above, which were the only character actions that seemed a little iffy. 3) I think the main thing here that risks that is the tv and game controller. Partly because we haven’t gotten a clear description of the plane layout before. So having the problem of “There’s no cockpit, so how do I move the thing?” followed almost immediately by the solution of “Look at the convenient TV” is pretty sudden. Is there a reason she can’t just stick the autopilot thing on some lever or steering apparatus (mind is blanking on a name for what that might be) in the cockpit to prevent the tv and controller from becoming a sticking point?

Pg 1: Something feels off about the first paragraph. I think partly because it seems normal for someone to ask how someone’s feeling if they seem down, and with everything W is going through, it seems like it would be pretty easy to recognize that she’s feeling down. Her calling it out as something he’s “picking up on” makes it seem like that’s a difficult thing for a person to notice. “…unbearable when he isn’t.” unbearable seems like a strong word for someone who wasn’t sure she wanted to be in a relationship. “Sorry.” Talk about an ominous message to receive from someone out of the blue. “On the app I’m using” This part sounds a little clunky. Pg 3: I like the end line of the first scene, but I think we need a little more of the emotional response beyond “I stare at it…” if she’s getting “all worked up about it.” I love Wingspan, but I think just leaving it at them playing a board game is probably fine. I don’t think people have enough of an idea of what Wingspan is for it to be helpful. Catan might be well known enough to come across differently, but I think non-boardgame-people would just have a “what’s Wingspan?” response. The details of what she regularly carries in her backpack doesn’t seem necessary Pg 4: A lot of the conversation through here comes across a little strangely. Some of it might just need some editing for dialogue flow to fit the slightly awkward date setting, but even then, it seems like an odd discussion to have… then again, I intentionally avoided dating in high school to avoid exactly such situations…so my opinion is probably not helpful here. Pg 5: “…they’re a coyote.” I’d think “it’s” would be more relevant for a coyote? She’s not more surprised/concerned that the guy is feeding coyotes? It seems like a bad idea to be hand-feeding treats to predator animals in what seems to be a reasonably well-populated area. “indistinguishable from his genuine one…” so how’s she know it’s not genuine? Especially if she’s doubtful of her ability to read social cues. Pg 6: “What’s your name? C?” This seems to smudge the line of not lying a bit… but I’m not up to date on what falls into the category of acceptable fairy truthtelling loophole lore. What happens to N if he tries to lie? Where does joking and sarcasm fit into that? Can he say something sarcastic, knowing that it’s not literally true? If it’s about intention, it seems like this situation here is still obviously intended to deceive even if he’s not telling any official lies. Does faking a smile count? “You can call me Win…” the first name introduction here seems odd. Especially when N already knows him as Officer J. Doesn’t seem like a normal thing for a police officer to do while on duty. Pg 7: My suspension of disbelief in regard to people not questioning N about his strange, vague comments about lying and iron and N’s weird relationship with B and such has been waning a good deal. Especially when W and her parents are all presented as intelligent, curious individuals. Pg 8: “…observing and copying others.” It’s interesting to me that you had mentioned seeing W as potentially having undiagnosed ADHD, because this line here (and a number of other random lines I’ve seen throughout. The social anxiety. Difficulty with emotional regulation. Adopting structure and routine as a coping mechanism, difficulty reading others’ emotions, camouflaging social behaviors to match expectations) seem like matches for what I’ve read about how ASD can sometimes present itself in women. Definitely not trying to push your plans or thoughts for her character in one direction or another, but I wanted to mention that as an observation. Pg 9: “track it at the apex…” This sentence seems a little out of place. I think just having N comment on her hand-eye coordination is probably enough to get the point across. As a runner, I feel for E’s lack of hand-eye-coordination. Pg 10: I don’t think the flute playing and dancing feels quite as out of place as the singing did in the one version of the one previous chapter, but it still seems a little odd for someone to show up for a date with a plan to perform a song unless they know the other person there really likes said song or really likes music in general. Pg 13: “is what we’re doing now more or less intimate than kissing” Hah. I’d actually just been trying to put together words for a comment related to that. Like this seems more intimate than I’d expect W to be comfortable with. I feel like especially for someone who is new to relationships, being quietly close to each other can seem far more intimidating than doing stuff together. Whether that is stuff generally put in the “physical intimacy” category or watching movies/eating dinner/going for walks. I’ve always sort of been under the impression that most people find sharing quiet space a really vulnerable thing, since most people tend to be uncomfortable with silence even on their own, let alone silence where they have no idea what might be going through another person’s head. 1. Points of engagement/non-engagement/confusion? I like that we’re getting more of the magic tie-in. I do think we need that to be a little more ongoing, with more hints of it here and there throughout (beyond N’s vague comments). Though that’s also going to make the suspension of disbelief issues in regard to W and her family not picking up on it even more of a problem. It seems like we’re gearing up toward the reveal here, but I wonder if it would work for that to come in sooner? Or maybe W figures it out earlier and helps him hide it from her parents? Part of me thinks the interaction with J here would be more engaging here if W recognized that he was trying to avoid lying and jumps in to help. It’s hard to say without knowing what your reasoning might be for the reveal timeline. 2. Thoughts on characters? Similar to previous chapters. I still think that in general, W doesn’t bother me as much as she bothers others, but I do get a little frustrated when she gets mopey or seems to be missing things that I’d expect an intelligent person (which she seems to be) to pick up on. 3. What do you want to know now, what do you want to know earlier, and what do you feel okay not knowing at this point? I think my main thought on this is that I’d like to see the level of magic-presence as more constant throughout, or steadily building up. Right now it seems to be mostly absent except for the flower (which isn’t a clear magical tie right away) , then we get E talking about his grandpa hunting magical people, which is then entirely ignored for a while. Then all of the veiled comments about iron, his lack of knowledge about a lot of common things, and his excessive knowledge about fairies, none of which anyone really questions further before it gets dropped. It seems to jump back and forth between being a paranormal setting and a standard high school setting pretty often, and I’d like to see a little more consistency throughout, which might be a lot easier to do if W has more awareness of magic earlier on. Even if it’s not an accurate understanding. To have her recognize the flower as magical (or something. I’m obviously in ramble-thought mode) early on and have some aspect of that knowledge (even if she misunderstands what it means for it to be magical) impact the way she’s interacting with N or E (if she already has suspicions that magic exists because flowers, she’s probably going to react a little differently to E’s comments about his grandpa) or her parents or whoever else. I think some sort of more consistent presence of the magic and a steady reveal of it would be helpful for keeping it all tied together and keep it from feeling jumpy in some spots. 4. How does the romance come across? I'm trying to hit the balance of realistically awkward for our inexperienced teenage protags but not too awkward from a reader perspective. I think it strays too far toward awkward. Especially when N’s bluntness is already pretty close to that socially awkward line without the addition of romance nervousness. But as previously mentioned, my opinion on high school romance should be taken with many, many grains of salt.

Can I have a spot for tomorrow?

Ooooo! Look at you all go!

Pg 1: Oh hey! GM. I’m excited to see GM. “…but by that time everything will be on fire.” Exactly the sort of chaotic energy I expect from GM. Pg 2: I am a little surprised by how quickly things go up in flames. Even a well-built pile of flammable things (complete with gaps for air circulation but still with enough strength to not cave in and put itself out) is going to need a little more than crumpled paper and a single match. Cover all the plywood and dry stuff in gasoline or something equally flammable, and I think you’ll have better luck with the dramatic single match. The scene change starting with T seeing the smoke, then C running off after it was a little disorienting. Obviously C also saw it, but I think it would be helpful to either mention that or have T tell her. Just to avoid the very brief “Wait. T is the one who saw the smoke. What’s C worried about” confusion. Pg 6: “I think she’s been struggling…she’s still a kid.” This seems like a big realization for E to have come to when he’s mostly seemed like the cheery, carefree member of the group. “No” Go, E, Go! Pg 7: It seems like a bit of a stretch that fires starting at several separate piles would make the space between them impassible so quickly that she wouldn’t be able to get out… “it could take hours for it to catch.” That seems unlikely to me if everything around it is burning unless she’s got a constant source of water to keep it wet. Pg 8: “I thought that meant…” glad you included this, because my immediate thought after the “Ashen things can’t burn” sentence was “but that was just about the stove.” Wouldn’t C have figured out that she can’t be burnt before then, though? Never got sunburn? Or accidentally touched the wood stove as a kid? Pg 9: I hope the new ashen item that’s going to save the day is one we’ve seen before…otherwise I think it’s going to frustrate my deus ex machina concerns. Overall: I like this chapter overall, but some of the fire details aren’t quite holding up my suspension of disbelief. I don’t know if it’s the blocking of the scene, and I’m picturing things differently than they are, but I can’t figure out why there aren’t gaps where C could clear burning things out of the way to make a path, if she can’t get burned, or why GM couldn’t have just made a run for it when she saw the gaps closing in. It seems unlikely that she stood there admiring her work for the good long while it would take for a full ring of fire to form around her. And if C is able to see past the fire to see the ring of wet grass GM is standing in (which I’m still not convinced would stay unburned if the flames around it are so hot and high that GM can’t get out), it can’t be burning that high. I don’t know. I think part of me also sees the opportunity for C to be the hero here by clearing burning debris to make a path for GM on her own, so seeing her call in help (which feels like it’s going to take far more time than they have) is a little disappointing. I think I like the twist of ashen things being unburnable in general, but I think I’d like to see some other lead-in hint to that earlier on as well. I know that list of things is getting longer and longer, but I think introducing significant details immediately before they become vitally important goes a long way in making the reader feel that those twists are earned instead of just feeling blindsided and sort of tricked. I do like that E stands up for his friends and recognizes the horribleness of his parents. 1) Nothing boring. And I think I’ve rambled on about the confusing aspects of the fire above. 2) I think this is also mostly covered in the LBLs. GM’s motivations aren’t that clear, but she gets away with it by being the wild card who literally just wants to watch the world burn at this point. I think my issue with her here is that she has seemed smarter than to get herself barricaded into an inferno.

Pg 2: The conversation about the shirt goes on a little longer than it probably needs to. I think this falls into a similar category as the one previous conversation about make-up and the like. I’m all about a little commentary on ridiculous gendered fashion standards, but more than a few lines feels too on the nose. “what makes it a girl’s shirt anyway?” Also necklines. You forgot the necklines. Because girls obviously can’t wear shirts that don’t at least pretend to show cleavage *facepalm* “Mom ushers us but mostly N…” I think we need some commas here. Or parentheses or em-dashes. Something to separate the “but mostly N” from the rest. I find the lack of familiarity with Lord of the Rings odd. I mean. I get being off-grid and from some sort of magical community, but LotR isn’t exactly pop culture. What do they do in their free time where he’s from? Pg 3: If they just had to explain all of the other general fantasy tropes to him, aren’t they a little surprised by his keen knowledge of fey lore? Pg 4: “We talked a lot about Irish mythology…” but is unfamiliar with other mythologies? I feel like magical creatures would find the fantasy genre especially amusing for what they get wrong. Or would be deeply involved with it to intentionally mislead people. I’d sort of expect N to have some strong opinions on Tolkein’s elves vs. Keebler elves. Or how so-and-so says the fey do x, y, and z, but really, that doesn’t make sense. “Not exactly…Eld- blast” Hah. “glad you have faith in my magical powers…” I’d expect him to find her comment a little more unnerving. He seems to get nervous about a bunch of other things. This seems like it would hit pretty close to home, high charisma or not. Pg 5: “…the pain from her joy relying…” this sentence could use some reworking for clarity. Pg 6: I think this does a good job of making the gameplay section more about W’s emotional reaction to the game instead of about the play-by-play of what’s happening. Nice job there. Pg 7: “the way I play isn’t good enough.” Above, it seemed like she was upset because she wanted to be the one to make her mom feel better, and N was doing that instead. But then there’s frustration because she feels like she’s not playing well. Which sort of makes her come across as a sore-loser… I think it could be helpful to have a little more clarity on what exactly is making her upset, since right now it seems like possibly both? But that she’s ignoring the one that seems like the bigger deal on this page, so I’m not sure what to make of it. Pg 8: Before I get bogged down in rambly thoughts, I like the last line. It makes me want to just pat N on the head for being a nice boy and for being supportive even when W doesn’t seem to want to be supported. There’s a lot of WRS in the following thoughts, but here we go… This is reminding me that it’s been a while since we’ve had any informational tidbits about the whole threat to the magical creatures thing. I know we had E’s grandfather (?) mentioned in rather ominous tones, but I don’t think we’ve had much other big-picture threat stuff going on. I’m pretty sure you scratched the prologue, and I know a lot of my thoughts here are from when that was still included, but at this point, we haven’t seen too many hints of anything going on beyond high school relationship plotlines. It may just be the suspicious part of my brain, but my thought immediately upon reading this section was “Welp. Looks like we’ll have a big standoff at some point where N has to decide whether to hurt someone who is trying to kill him. And W is going to have to decide whether or not to abandon him to his poor decisions. Oh. That’s suddenly far darker than anywhere we’ve been thus far” if that’s just reading too much into things (as I tend to do), feel free to ignore this, but if we do head in that direction, I think we might need a few more hints at the big picture threat by this point in the story. At the moment, we have vague whiffs of magic here and there, but nothing concrete, and W seems entirely uninformed. So depending on how far into the story we are, and how far we shift away from the high school setting by the end, it might be helpful to have a few more directional markers early on. 1. I liked how well N took to the D&D game, and how excited W’s mom was about it. It was a little frustrating to see W coming across as almost jealous about how well they were getting along, though. 2. I think most of my character thoughts are in the lbls. 3. Maybe? I think it depends where things are going. If their conversation at the end is foreshadowing turns in slightly darker directions, then yes. Otherwise, I’m not sure. I like it (partly just because I like D&D and board games) but I don’t think I know enough about the ultimate direction of the story to say if this moves it in that direction or not. 4. I don’t have much experience with ADHD, so it may just be my lack of awareness, but I definitely wouldn’t have recognized that in W based on the symptoms/mannerisms I’m aware of (I wasn’t aware that hypersensitivity to rejection is associated with it at all). I guess I’d wonder what significant changes you’d expect to have to make to make her more clearly neurotypical, since I don’t really see it as having to be an either/or if you shift away from the undiagnosed ADHD possibility. I’d think the past trauma of her mom’s previous illness and near-death would be enough to leave unresolved issues that would be triggered by her current circumstances. Fear of rejection and fear of being abandoned (whether intentionally or otherwise) aren’t quite the same thing, but I’d think they would work themselves out in similar ways when it comes to avoiding letting people get too close. I think that can be done in a way that’s more relatable to the readers without turning everything on its head. But having a clearer understanding of what’s causing her responses and seeing her find healthy ways to cope with that might be more helpful. I know that seeing her try to overcome her anger issues was far more engaging than just giving in to them. And even in this chapter, seeing her acknowledge that she shouldn’t be upset with N or her mom is far more engaging than if she was just moping. There’s also the fact that there’s no big reason not to have two separate projects with protagonists who have ADHD. I don’t know if any of that is helpful. I don’t have much background related to ADHD or other disorders that begin before or near birth, so I’m not much help on that front. However, I have done a decent amount of training related to trauma-related disorders as part of foster parent training, and am glad to have my brain picked about that should it be potentially helpful. It may not be any more conclusive (is anything I go on about ever conclusive?) but it’s something I feel slightly better equipped to comment on. And now that I've put together yet another critique that's more than half the length of the chapter itself, I'll see myself out.

Spot for Monday, please?

1. Nope. Though if we have too much more errand-running before they actually make their attempt to leave, I'll probably end up getting a little restless before too long (says the person who leaves one of her MCs bedridden for several thousand words...oops) 2. I like C and T here a good deal. V...well...meh. 3. Unfortunately, V's actions here don't really land for me. I do think some of that is probably WRS. It's been a while since the early chapters when he was more clearly trying to be a helpful friend to C. For his actions here to come across as 1. something he's actually conflicted about and 2. something that hurts C as deeply as it seems like its supposed to. After all, she abandoned S to be lost with the town. And while S seems like a pretty horrible person, C has recognized her as her mother up until a few days before. Why should V's decision to stay be that much more significant other than the fact that now they have to figure out what to do with A. I think to make his crisis of character in the recent chapters work, we need clearer evidence of the before, during, and after of that change. More loyalty/friendship/helpfulness at the start. Some point of change that makes him realize that it's all for naught. This was vaguely mentioned, in that while he was flying around, he tried to leave. But we didn't really get any indication of the why of it except that he said he was feeling like he didn't belong. I think if that needs to hit like it's supposed to, we need to get some indication that despite his loyalty to and friendship with C, he's still feeling left out or like the task is too big for him, from the beginning. Otherwise, it feels really out of the blue. And even if we're more sympathetic with his wanting to give up on the job, I think we need more reason for him to be willing to actively abandon everyone else to their fates when he knows what they're facing. Feeling inadequate to save them on his own is one thing, and would argue for the attempt to flee the town. But taking that helplessness and then taking the one ticket to guaranteed safety just seems like a really horrible thing for him to do if we are supposed to think of him in any sort of positive light... I don't know if that's helpful. Feel free to send me a message if you'd like any additional thoughts on that front. Pg 1: I want a car autopilot screen… Pg 3: This is sort of a jerk move from V. Was he just waiting for C to get there to rub it in her face when they’re trying to look for help? What if she and T hadn’t decided to put A in the AH (AHHHH! Sorry. Can’t help it.)? “the only one who I can really trust.” Is he, though? I think T and E have been more trustworthy in recent chapters. Even if they’re also trying to work through their own problems. V’s sort of been out doing his own thing for a while now. “supposed to help me” Again, is he, though? Why’s that supposed to fall on him? And what help is he supposed to be providing? Pg 4: “There’s nothing I’m supposed to do.” I’m with V on this one. Even if he seems to be about to throw C and company under a bus. “I’m just a green raven boy who tumbled into a vegetable patch.” Which is all that different from C tumbling into existence after S (I assume) fed things into the wood stove, how? “I hope you win” but I’m going to do the one thing within my power at the moment to make all your lives more difficult. I am having a lot of issues with V here… I feel like it’s supposed to come across as a betrayal of sorts, which works to some extent, but I don’t know that I had enough of a sense of him actually trying to help C for this to come across as him being conflicted about betraying a friend. Mostly it just seems like he has been taking advantage of C’s kindness and friendship and is now grabbing the last seat in the lifeboat himself… It’s possible that there’s some WRS involved. I know it’s been….months? (in reading time) since V first appeared, and that he’s been absent for the past number of chapters. So I’m sure there is probably more friendship and loyalty shown in the early chapters than I’m remembering from recent reading…but I’m not feeling it enough to be all that offended by his betrayal here except to have a general “Wow. What a selfish jerk.” feeling about it Pg 5: I like C’s fighting to get the door back open. It’s good to see her determination and desperation kicking in. “How can she hope…can’t even save V?” I mean. Both E and G-M have a much longer history with her and seem to have far more motivation to not just give it all up and lock themselves in a magic house…V doesn’t really have any attachments to the town (as he’s said), but E and GM both have reasons to fight for it and reasons to want it to be saved. So I’d think V would be the far more difficult one to save anyway. Pg 6: “If T can do that, C can keep trying.” I like this line. I’m glad to see T’s looking after her grandfather recognized for exactly the reason C acknowledges here—that it’s something that is likely to go unacknowledged otherwise. “going to have to take A with us.” Hooray! Road trip! Pg 7: I also want a magic fan that rearranges available information into a usable format. Man, I really like the magical items. Pg 8: I don’t remember if we knew much about G before. If it wasn’t mentioned that he was a mechanic (but now isn’t), that would be a good tidbit to include to keep that continuity of who has sacrificed what, so that it feels more like a natural reveal instead of an “of course someone has a magical toolbox when it’s exactly what we need…” deus ex machina issue. You may have done this and I’m forgetting. As a thought that you can feel free to discard: you could even bring it up when they’re looking at the vehicles for one that works so that it’s fresher in our minds. Having one of the kids mention that they could see if MG learned anything from her dad about cars or if they might be able to get G to fix something without making him suspicious and have it shut down because he doesn’t do that anymore (and now all of the things he tries to fix go horribly wrong?) As mentioned, I love the odd magical items, but do think that they are at risk of becoming a …well… magical solution to any problem we might find ourselves running into. Good setup ahead of time will help with that a lot, though. Are they stealing it? Or are they just using it quickly and returning it? There’s a pretty big difference between those options.

Sorry to hear that, Moonsilver. Losing family is never easy. @Silk or @Robinski ? Always a good idea to tag them to make sure they see the messages here.

Can I have a spot for Monday, please?

Pg 1: The first line feels a little clunky. I think maybe the description between the two dialogue sections might be a little too long? Pg 2: “I expect you’ll still be wanting them.” So where does S think she’s going if not to the AH (sidenote: It amuses me that abbreviating AH immediately makes me think of someone startled and shouting. And now it’s impossible to not think of it as a haunted house jump-scare thing every time I type it. But anyway.) “couldn’t win a fight…” even against skeletal S? I imagine there’s not much muscle there. Pg 3: “a sword.” A what-now? This was not what I was expecting. “It doesn’t make sense.” I do love messing around with dimensional perception. “a tube of something” I think having a better comparison for what this looks like would be helpful. Does it resemble a tube of toothpaste? A tube of caulk or sealant? A tube of lotion/makeup/something small? Something to give us an idea of size/shape/etc. even if she has no idea what it is. “I told these fools…” Hah. I was not expecting S’s insistent supportiveness here, but I like it. Pg 4: “Mr. S’s driving screen” and I repeat: what-now? “Where else would teachers go…” Hah. The universal mind-blowing childhood realization that teachers might live somewhere other than the school. Pg 5: “…with you out of the house.” Wow. Rude. But also entirely in character. Pg 6: “S is a lost cause.” Oh. This is not a thought I would have expected to come from C. And it makes me a little sad. I was getting attached to a new angle of reaching out to S or one of the other adults. I mean. S can only be blamed so much for the stove and town eating away at her decency. And if S is too far gone because she’s sacrificed some aspect of her decency to the stove, how are any of the friends who’ve made sacrifices any less-far-gone? Seems a little harsh from C. Pg 10: “help with grandpa.” I’m still not sure why she’s fine with leaving him there at all when the whole point is that they’re abandoning the town with the assumption that the curse is probably going to consume it all. When they don’t trust any of the adults, who do they think is going to be capable of watching him? Pg 12: Will the AH accept someone who isn’t Ash-? I was under the impression that it wouldn’t. Why wouldn’t someone else have just jumped in to take advantage of its powers in the meantime? Overall (which pretty much includes the answers to your questions, since it would be trickier to separate them than just lump them together): I like S’s unexpected helpfulness but it seems like an odd place for her to jump in and be helpful if she is then going to insist on dying on the ash pile. I will continue to hope she joins the fleeing-the-town expedition at the last second, armed with the weird sword, until proven otherwise. And either way, I found C’s response to S rather disappointing. I get that she’s determined to get out of there, but writing S off as a lost cause instead of grieving her decision to stay behind (even if S is sort of a horrible person) seemed out of character to me. I do like the addition of the new ashen items quite a lot, and am entirely fine with their weirdness so long as they don’t become a deus ex machina to solve every problem. The fact that they’ve been associated with specific characters we have interacted with helps a lot with that, I think. The sword is a good fit because we’ve been wondering the whole time what’s going on with Ch. The driving screen is a little more iffy, since we hadn’t really had any indication of Mr. S’s sacrifice before then (as far as I remember). Our insight-riddle-fan makes me feel a little better about T’s sacrifice, though I do think I could still use some additional clarity (or insight, perhaps) on what exactly being without insight means. And I’m a little concerned about her competence dropping too much because of the loss. As it is, there have been a few times since her sacrifice where she’s seemed to take a little longer to catch on to things, and times when she’s jumped right into conversations, and I think there needs to be more consistency there or more clarity about why she’s able to process some things quickly and why others just don’t click. The Cut- coming to get E was the main part that seemed like it went on longer than it needed to. I do like getting the detail that he thinks the keys were never found, which to me suggests that E is still supporting his friends, whether or not he ends up being willing to go himself. But I’m not sure how much else we should be taking away from that.

Can I have a spot for Monday?

Overall: 1. I wouldn’t say that anything was boring or confusing, but there were a couple of suspension of disbelief issues I had. The main one being them finding a car that functions at all in the conditions that C was describing, and the second being the locating of a driver. I’d expect the first of those to be a far bigger problem than the latter. I mean. What is anyone going to run into out on the roads? It’s not like they have to drive all that fast until they figure it out. But finding one with a battery that has enough charge to get the motor actually running or figuring out how to jump the battery? Those seem like far larger problems for a bunch of kids to figure out. 2. Mostly. I really like E’s loyalty to his family and the conflict it creates about leaving, though would have liked to see slightly higher stakes there. Right now, I’d be convinced that E would be sad about leaving them, but that his parents may or may not even notice except that he won’t be able to make a proper sacrifice to the stove. I’d rather see some sign that they are in some way worthy of that loyalty, instead of the vague “yeah. He’s sad about it, but the grown-ups are evil” feeling I’m getting now. I also have no idea what to do with V at the moment… 3. I am on board for her to try it. I don’t know that that precludes it from being a terrible idea, but staying around to watch the town succumb to the curse seems far worse. So I think it makes sense as the best option they have. I will admit that GM’s idea from before of burning the whole place down maintains a place in my heart for the sole reason that I want to somehow feed the town into the stove to tear a hole in the fabric of reality or something. And apparently my brain is clinging to that spark of chaos today. Also, does A end up being their driver? Because that’s my guess. And I like the idea of dragging grandpa along for the crazy road trip. He also seems like a potential solution for the “getting one of the cars to work” problem, since he seems like he’d have the knowledge of how to get a car to work tucked away in his brain somewhere. As I read: Pg 2: “All of the maps” Is this still a connection T is going to make this quickly after her sacrifice? “That reminds C…” On one hand, I am glad to finally get my confirmation that V had something to do with the essay, even if it then brings up questions about the timing of sacrifices if it combined with something her parents had sacrificed a while before. However, I’m not sure this is the best place to put this. Or how T’s comments remind C of it. Pg 3: “She didn’t give the impression…” it might be good to have a dialogue tag on this. We get that V is saying the first line because he calls her hatchling, and C will be responding, but when E and T are both still right there, there’s a little ambiguity here about who’s talking. “tactically ignoring…” heh. Good call there. Pg 4: If they come to the conclusion of leaving A with people, I don’t think there needs to be quite as much discussion and thinking over it. I’m also surprised T doesn’t push back a little more, when that’s been her main job and she’s shown a pretty strong tendency toward needing to be the responsible one. “Are those D S’s skeleton keys?” I don’t think we need this question, when E just said they were is mom’s keys then explains them. Pg 5: “That’s useful…” Is this C? “strange, new kind of problem solving” C had never really struck me as being the one leading the friend group’s problem solving efforts, so her noting the others’ involvement like this seems a little odd. “V will be fine.” Not ominous at all…. Pg 6: Repetition of “if you can make it happen” What happened to “came to town to be a hero” V? Pg 7: The scene with V here feels a little out of place. I feel like 1. He’s leaving them to fend for themselves, and 2. That I should feel more betrayed about it. But I think this scene and the previous one where he’d flown off to find the edge messed with my idea of what his character is supposed to be, and I’m not 100% sure why we should be concerned about his absence other than the fact that C will miss him. “cumbersome and dangerous versions of bicycles.” Hah. Pg 8: Has anyone tried to burn the cars in the stove? Also, if these cars have been sitting there that long, they’re going to need more than fuel to get started. I can only imagine the condition the batteries would be in… I wouldn’t even expect the lights to come on. “rapping her knuckles” this sounds like a far gentler action than the make-it-work whack I’d imagine. Pg 9: “C thinks about the problem of E” I’d rather see the details of this paragraph spread among the dialogue that follows Pg 10: “E is suddenly shouting” what was he expressing building up to this? And how does C react to the sudden anger? “trying to talk me into…abandoning my home.” The guy does have a point. As does C in the following line. I like that this is a real conflict of loyalties, but I’d feel more of the tension if we’d gotten more indication of E’s parents’ love for him. He certainly believes it, but I haven’t seen that much sign of it from them, which makes it seem like poor E is just deluded and is better off going with C. Showing more of the family bond between E and his parents (even if it’s a little weird or twisted thanks to the stove) would really raise the stakes on this argument. Pg 11: “checks inside her sandwich” If C is concerned that T is no longer capable of making them edible sandwiches, that seems like something that should have been taken into consideration before giving her the task of lunch-making. T seems a little more easily confused, but not so much that this response from C seems feasible. Pg 12: Is V so much older than them that he seems like he’d be any better at driving? And really, what are they going to risk running into if E drives, if all that’s there is the road and the wasteland? Sidenote, I feel like GM would be all over driving them out of there. It feels like there’s a little overexplaining about what everyone is going to be doing at the end of pg 12. Pg 13: “…would only make sense.” If only I had a nickel for every time I’d had that thought….

Spot for tomorrow? Edit: Monday. Because who even knows what time is anymore?

Quiet week, this week. Full disclosure on this chapter: I didn’t like reading about high school drama when I was actually in high school, and several (oh man. More than I’d realized until just counting) years of distance have not made it any more endearing as a setting to jump into during my free time. So some of the things I comment on might hit better with an audience that wants to see those high school relationship dynamics… if there’s a crotchety old lady undertone to any of my comments, I apologize. That being said, even with my being prone to whine about high school angst, I liked a number of aspects of this chapter (mom wanting to set up the d&d game, N getting her to back up a step and look at things, etc.) but many of the individual beats themselves felt like they could be trimmed back a bit. I think some of my frustrations would be improved a lot if the relationship-emotion-processing sections weren’t as drawn out. I think if they were a few lines instead of a few pages, we’d still get the pain and inner conflict that’s going on. It’s the dwelling on it that pushes it over into sound like whining or self-pity. Pg 1: I assume her nightmares are related to her mom’s previous bout of sickness? It might be helpful for that to be clarified. I’d avoid any extensive detail on what happens in the nightmare, but at the moment, my reflexive response to “My nightmare comes back” is “What nightmare?” If it’s been mentioned before, this could very well just be WRS, and can be ignored “sleep cycle is going to be wrecked” did she have counseling or therapy or medication or anything for sleep/anger/anxiety issues last time she went through all of this that she’d be expecting to start up again in response to this realization? I wouldn’t expect her family to have any sort of stigma against any of that, and it seems clear that she’s well aware of the trouble she’s had in the past. As a random thought that occurred to me, I wonder if seeing that she’s actively trying to work through her anger issues and past trauma might help with some of the trouble of her coming across as self-pitying at times. If she’s actively working against it, it’s a way she’s trying to improve herself. If it’s just her past anger issues or having been dealt a pretty rotten hand with her mom’s health, it feels more like that’s just the way she is. The relaxation techniques do a little of this, and I do think those moments where she’s stopped herself, realized what she’s doing, and refocused have been good. Maybe that would help make some of the emotional beats that readers have been iffy about more engaging as well? Might be worth running past some others and see if that makes sense to them. “…before I fall in love…” this seems like a pretty forward thought to throw out there when she’s very torn about them having a relationship (and has trouble admitting that she even likes him a little later). And the fact that he ignores the comment and focuses on the pillow-punching seems odd. Especially when whether or not she likes him is pointed out as Very Important on the next couple of pages. “defies all logic” does it? Hadn’t he mentioned previously that he recognized that she struggles with anger and is sympathetic to that struggle? Especially when it’s related to her mom’s sickness, since it’s the same thing he had to walk through? She might think it’s ridiculous for him to want to go through the same pain with her, but I’d expect her to recognize the logic in it. Pg 2-3 Most of what’s here goes carries through from my last two comments on page 1. I’m not really on board with her reasoning, so I’m not really invested in her angst here. Pg 3: “Not as much at stake” …”If you can’t be honest…” I am with W on this one here, because now it seems like N has other ulterior motives for being in the relationship, which makes me suspicious of him. Pg 4: N’s wanting to back up a step and figure out where the disconnect is refreshing. Pg 5: “I just…want to be with you.” - “Because there are big things at stake that I’m not going to tell you about?” I’m not entirely sure how I feel about this shift in dynamics… when he’s the one trying to get her to look past her self pity to see the situation better, it bothers me that he’s also hiding things. Pg 6: “keep enough energy” what does this mean? “Taekwondo becomes a chore” THIS line hit hard. It does an excellent job of showing us how exhausted she is, when she’s considering giving up something that’s so important to her. “Since that’s normal for his culture…” Is this really such a foreign concept to them? I don’t get the big disconnect here. Part of this is definitely a skewed perception thing, since my family always pulled in all of me and my siblings’ friends to hang out for family dinners or camping trips or things. So it would just seem weird for someone close to any of us to not also spend a significant amount of time with the family, whether friends or significant others. Even if it’s not standard or expected in most standard high school relationships, I’d expect someone who is really close to her family (and someone whose family seems so welcoming) to see that as a normal thing at least some of the time. Pg 7: It seems odd to me that W wouldn’t have ever played any D&D if her mom enjoys it so much. It seems like they play a lot of board games as a family. That seems like it would have naturally progressed into some sort of tabletop RPG now and then. It also doesn’t seem like we should need a full page of back and forth about whether or not to run a campaign. Pg 8: Hah. I like the detail that her mom enjoys reading the game rules. A vital part of any board gaming group. Pg 9: “I don’t want to make him relive all that pain” This is the point I would have expected her to remember at the beginning.

Can I have a spot for Monday?

Oh man. How is it Friday already? Pg 1: This page seems to go on a little long for me. I’m also a little surprised that she doesn’t have some sort of training equipment for home since Taekwondo seems to be a big part of her life. Especially as someone who also has anger issues. An at-home training setup seems like it would make sense for both hobby and therapeutic reasons. Of course…I grew up in a house where half the basement was covered with a wrestling mat and my dad rigged up a bunch of tarps that could be used as a batting cage/soccer training area without too much collateral damage. So my sense of what is normal on that front is definitely skewed. I approve of the choice of going with the decorative pillows in the end, though. I just don’t understand those things. Also, what kind of dress is she wearing? I’d imagined something sort of semi-formal for homecoming, but I can’t think of many of those that you can do much punching or kicking in without risking a seam or zipper. I’ve lost track of the number of times I’ve tried on a dress that seems cute and mostly comfortable then realize I can’t lift my arms past shoulder height or that I will risk it falling off if I try to swing dance in it. Pg 2: “he was scared of me” is this supposed to be the voice of reason? It seems liked worried might be more accurate than scared. Especially if he’s already aware that she sometimes struggles with anger. I agree with @ redblue that squishing the conflict with N and the one with her parents together here semes like a lot. And I’m a little surprised Amma is willing to dig into these things with N there instead of asking him to wait while they talk to her. Pg 6-7 While I’m always a fan of whining about the impracticality of women’s clothing (note dress comments above), but I feel like it would work better as a passing comment or two between them instead of almost a full page of dialogue. “we don’t have them where I’m from” I feel like he’d have enough experience with interacting with E, at least, to know that this is a weird thing to say? “My family doesn’t have a tv” or something along those lines seems like it would make more sense to come across as a little strange. Implying that no one in his community has one seems like it would create more questions than could be answered with a “helpless shrug” unless he’s trying to pass for Amish on Rumspringa Pg 9: The iron comments feel a little like the fashion comments above. I like how the concept is brought in, but it seems to go on a few lines longer than it should for W’s family not to be asking more questions. And banter is one of those things that can go from fun to clunky really fast. Pg 10-11: Like the others, I find the either/or predicament she’s creating about dating N or spending time with Mom a little odd. Didn’t she date E while her mom was sick before? That might not have gone great, but I’d think she would have a whole lot of experience with people continuing to steady-on through relationships even when there are difficult circumstances around them. “If he floated off…” This seems rather whimsical for someone who spends art class coloring in squares of graph paper. N’s switch from grin to smile is a nice detail, though. “don’t make clothes out of iron” What does W think this is supposed to mean? Pg 12: “another grant proposal” I’m surprised they have the mental capacity for this after a pretty significant family conflict with N as the awkward bystander, when it was their fault and mom’s for lying to W. Overall, I like a lot of the things in here. I really like that they hang out at home and watch a movie, and the interactions around that. I like a lot of the banter lines, even if some of it could be trimmed back. I think there could be a little smoothing over of the conflict processing at the beginning, and it seems like W moves past the being lied to pretty quickly. Blowing off steam with the punching and relaxation exercises is one thing, but I’d expect some confusion/frustration/overwhelmed-ness to carry through while they’re watching the movie and in the final scene. Even if she’s trying to put on a good face about it. Instead, she pretty quickly shifts to the concern of whether she has to choose between Mom or N, which isn’t an entirely convincing dilemma and secondary to having been deeply hurt by her parents a couple hours before. Curious to see where how these conflicts affect her going forward!