C_Vallion

Title thoughts: I think I like Stowaway at the Academy best. It gives us more of an idea of plot and setting going into the story. I probably won’t comment much on the romance aspect of things. I still find my own experiences with middle school/high school crushes to be cringeworthy enough that I don’t get much enjoyment out of reading them in fiction. You did a really good job of portraying the feelings involved, but if anything, I think that just makes it more likely to call me back to how much I just did not enjoy that aspect of being that age. Just as a bit of a heads up on why you won’t get much feedback on that. And I think everyone else caught most of the typos I noticed. Pg 2: “Do …pronoun?” On one hand, I like how this is introduced, but on the other hand, it seems like writing in a journal is one of few places they wouldn’t have to choose a pronoun, since they’d be writing in first person. Unless there are potentially other first-person pronouns that people go by (I am still very much learning about pronoun choices and related etiquette. So I’m not sure if this comment is relevant or not) “What the…anyway?” I like this line a lot. Normal earth-time has been irritating enough to keep track of lately… “Sure I am” Should this be “I sure am”? “twenty-nine…” I really enjoyed both the fact that the number jumps around throughout and J’s comment on the sort of arbitrariness of some aspects of swearing. “twine into knots” I think mixing the ideas of guts twisting/twining and tying themselves into knots is a little odd here. There’s too much of a disconnect between twining and knots in my mind. “fitted sleeves” They wear uniforms, right? It might be worth adding that detail in here to further flesh out what exactly this school looks like. It’s not shocking when it’s revealed later (I think we expect it from “Academy” if you reference that in the title), but this seems like an obvious place to introduce that detail to me. Pg 3: Like others mentioned, I don’t entirely get a feel for the stakes. A says they could get expelled. And J acknowledges that, but is far more focused on doing what A asks than anything else in the world. So while J isn’t exactly pleased about the idea of virtual school with one of their moms, they don’t seem all that conflicted about it. Also, how did A come across L in the first place? Pg 4: Again, I enjoy J’s overthinking of the deities. Pg 5: If it’s such a crime for non-student individuals to be here, how is it so easy for them to find a uniform? Even if it’s not quite the right fit? Wouldn’t the powers that be keep a close eye on that sort of thing if bringing in outsiders is an expelling offense? “Whenever…meals.” This just hurts the little rule-loving part of my brain, but it fits the character perfectly. We just probably wouldn’t have gotten along. “keeping …alive” Yep. There are definitely days when I get home from coaching and the best I can say is that at least we didn’t need to call an ambulance. “I’m an …one.” I don’t quite follow this. Pg 6: “They treat…tree!” I’m not sure the deep breath is enough to convey the tone of what L is feeling here. How old is she supposed to be? They refer to her as a kid, but I’m not sure what age or self-awareness/world-awareness that implies. And the “I completely…tree!” line seems like a far too carefree response for someone who has recently accepted that 1. Her entire village believes a harmful lie that would have gotten her killed, and 2. She’s been shipped away by someone who has called out the entire belief system she grew up with as a lie. Or misunderstanding. I get her gratitude for Dr. Mom, but there is a whole lot going on there that should have far more impact on L than it seems to be. I know the scope of the story doesn’t allow for in-depth analysis of dealing with the trauma of being pulled out of a harmful and problematic cult, but the way it’s put here makes it feel like it’s being brushed off. Pg 8: “The little door…middle.” So, this to me says that it isn’t entirely abandoned, but that isn’t the same as it being used regularly. If it was clean and spotless, that would imply regular checking/cleaning, but I’m not completely sure what we’re supposed to assume from it just being unevenly dusty. How long are they planning to hide L? And who do they expect to find living under bleachers? I can’t think of any reason to spend any significant amount of time under nasty bleachers when students have rooms available, unless your other alternative is to be fed to a tree. Also, in a post-roomba age, I find it odd that there isn’t some sort of auto-clean process that would be preventing dust build-up there altogether. “Can you think…” I know J is supposed to be the one with the experience sneaking around, but A seems to just be along for the ride for this whole process. And I still don’t have a good idea of why. Pg 9: “It’s not like someone…security.” But isn’t being seen what they were afraid of before? “Go in …mats.” This seems like it would be a perfectly effective way of keeping anyone from seeing her. Unless I’m picturing the setup wrong. Send L in under the bleachers, close the door, problem solved. Leading into the next page, I can see reason for concern about W and company being suspicious about why A and J are there, but I don’t see it as a risk to them seeing L. Just for them to cause trouble with A and J. Pg 10: Okay. I hadn’t realized they had all gone in under the bleachers (I think that’s where we are at this point?). Was the door closed and W opened it? If so, why were W and friends going to go hide under the bleachers? And if the door wasn’t closed, what would have made them go over to check it out? Pg 14: I’m not quite following L’s explanation and the related g-spore conversation. Pg 15: “A crack in the door…tablet” Where are we now? I’d assumed that we were in the halls on our way back to J’s room during the spore conversation, so I don’t have a good sense of where W is or what he’s doing there. Are we all still in the gym? Still under the bleachers? If not, can’t they go another direction to get to J’s room? Does the gym only have one exit? Overall, I don’t really enjoy a ton of teen mischief / school crushes / etc. so in many ways, I think the main troubles I have are that I’m not the intended audience for the story. Which can't really be helped. I do think the other concerns I mentioned are still relevant, though. The stakes don’t seem all that immediate (other than W, but I'm not quite buying the behavior of him and his friends). I’m still not sure what A’s motivations are or how they got involved in the first place. And It bothers me that L’s thoughts about being shipped away from home because her village wanted to kill her are being brushed over. All of that being said, I think J’s voice was really fitting for the character, which is great, and I didn’t have any issues adjusting to present tense like I was expecting to going into it. It all seemed to flow really well even with the shift in tense that I’m not used to. Thanks for submitting!

No worries! It's only a matter of time before I do this or something similar Part of my mind had noticed that the word count seemed off, but I didn't put the two things together. On the bright side, the addition of this section answered all of the questions I had about it seeming to start in the middle of a conversation. This is much more what I would have expected from E being mysteriously transported to some other place, and does a good job of providing details to add to the image in my head while also emphasizing the strangeness of it. I'm still a little iffy about her dialogue voice, but for whatever reason, it doesn't bother me as much when reading the full version of Chapter 3 as it did when only reading the later sections. I have no idea why.

Pg 1: I like the opening paragraphs. The sense of detachment as she’s trying to work through her thoughts comes across really well. “less hours” Time has a couple strange exceptions when it comes to less vs. fewer, but I’m almost completely sure this should still be “fewer hours.” Pg 2: “not even noticing its soft cushions” But she did notice them. Her PoV just told us so. Pg 3-5: “More honorable…[through the end of the scene]” I don’t know if it’s just jumping in late, but I haven’t seen any sign of him being dishonorable. There’ve been a few instances of him considering putting Ir’s abilities for mysterious use that I don’t fully get (Chapter 33, I think?), but overall, he’s seemed honorable and considerate. I mean. I get being upset that he took over where you live, but he doesn’t seem like any sort of tyrant. Pg 6: “She longed to race over…she was sure,” It might make more sense for her to think that there wasn’t any reason for her friends to have been in harm’s way rather than her being sure that they were unharmed. I get where her priorities are and what she’s thinking through, but the wording feels off as it is. “into a vase.” Oh. Okay. Are there just a lot of convenient vases nearby for roll disposal? I don’t know why my brain stuck on this point. Pg 7-10 A lot of reasonable fear/grief/anger pouring out in a way that feels realistic. Good emotion throughout. “You know what…” I would have expected something more along the lines of disbelieving/grieved resignation here. I’m not sure what kicks Ir toward anger. It seems unlikely that the lack of honor in slavery would be the comment to do it. Even if Ir isn’t the type to plead for her sister to change her mind, I think we need a better reason for Ir to feel like she is right to be angry. Tying those lines directly to what she’s angry with Sue about seems like a better way to shift into the feelings we see at the end than the currently more vague anger that Sue isn’t going to change her mind. Letting Ir convince herself that it’s righteous anger for Sue’s kids’ circumstances (or something else. I haven’t been reading long enough to know what other things they hold against each other) instead of her own grief and fear working themselves out into anger seems like it might be a stronger approach. Overall- Good flow throughout. I think the combination of dazed detachment and strong emotion once she sees Sue and breaks out of the detachment works well. I hadn’t seen too many details about the religion-related worldbuilding in previous chapters other than mentioning Raviekan statues, and it’s neat to see the reincarnation aspect of that detailed a little further. Yet again I see a lot of details of a really interesting world that I can’t get my head fully wrapped around since I jumped in so late, but some snooping around your website was helpful. Continuing to look forward to reading through this!

Thanks for sharing these! I somehow managed to miss those two while I was digging through old episodes to listen to. I've also found Tim Hickson's youtube videos on empires and how they rise and fall to be really useful to think through some of these things. https://youtu.be/51MWp0Hgo90 https://youtu.be/1yu5MHeLMEY https://youtu.be/jAKfs0TaOR4

Pg 1: The opening was a little confusing. The end of the previous chapter had me expecting E to end up in some other physical place. I caught on to it being a sort of disorienting void-like place instead, and maybe the shift would be less jarring if I’d read the chapters right in a row, but it took me a little time to get oriented. I think a little more description of what E is perceiving would be useful. We get the glowing lines, but what does the atmosphere feel like. Does it feel like a physical place or just some disconnected mental thing? And if she feels like she’s physically there, what’s her physical reaction before she really processes where she is. She brings her arms up to shield herself from the glowing lines later, but in that initial moment, does she tray to flail her arms for balance? Or try to feel for ground or feel like she’s swimming/floating/flying? I’m not sure “Wy not?” I’m not sure who she thinks she’s asking this to, since it seems like it’s a response to something someone else said. “Stop the killing!” This came across as her telling the mysterious voice to stop killing people, but I assume it’s supposed to be what E is trying to do. Could use some rewording. “Each second…floor.” This to me implies that she’s perceiving it as more of a mental location/presence, unless out of body mental wandering like this is something she’s familiar with. Though, if there are various psychic beings in the world here, I guess it might seem less strange. If she feels physically present here (physically reaching up to shield herself from the lines as they approach, etc.) is she aware that her body is still somewhere else, or what it’s doing? “gravity reassert itself” I think this is what we need the contrast to in the opening lines. I like the description of that brief weird disorientation as she shifts back into what she initially perceives as normal until she sees that she’s not in the throne room. Though I do find it odd that the mental space where the en- communicate has a sort of floor for her to be lying on if the en- are always floating and aren’t actually physically present there (are they?) Pg 2-3: “Information was…” I like this line and the follow-up. “The words … necessary lie” I’m not sure how this is “perpetuating the evils…” Stating that the Resistance is now in control, and that everyone should continue on as normal until they hear otherwise seems like a straightforward explanation of the change in power. She doesn’t seem to be threatening anyone if they step out of line. She’s just hoping they don’t panic. Though, I almost think she’d want to add something to back up the instruction to continue life as normal if she wants to make sure that no other power tries to step in and take over during the chaos of a shift in government. Pg 5: I really like the idea of the opening paragraph, but think it could benefit from clarification of the non-literal fires in the second sentence. Not this exactly, but something along the lines of “Panicked conversations were breaking out all over the station. Little verbal fires that she was responsible to put out.” Then continuing on with the image to mention them being more dangerous than literal fires. I like the image, but before it gets to the clarification that it isn’t an actual fire, I’m just really confused about why Tik is standing there watching things burn. “Now…dead.” Hah. Poor Tik. Is it a problem that I sort of like her better than Ek at the moment. Though it might just be that I’m more sympathetic with the sense of helplessness of having to manage the chaos. I am usually sympathetic to the poor characters left herding cats while other people do more exciting things. “orange instead of yellow.” Are most of their eyes yellow? Is it significant that hers are orange instead? If not, I don’t think we need the contrast. My brain got caught on the word deicide. Mostly because it’s not one I see much, so I automatically see it as a typo for decide. That being said, it is technically correct based on what we know. But it seems like an odd criminal charge to make unless there is precedent for the use of the word. How often are gods murdered in this world? The chapter makes me more curious about en- and what exactly their role in the world is, and how they function. They seem to pick some …something? to imitate or embody? I’m not entirely sure what it means that LN “had obstinately chosen a human gender” It’s obviously not the norm, but I don’t have a good idea of what the norm is. I’m also not sure if Tik’s reference to LN as “their en-” implies some sort of ownership/possession or just specifies LN as the one that Ek happens to be friends with. I’m really interested in figuring out more about the en- Pg 6: “Ek had already…monstrosities.” This is what I want to see fleshed out more. Reasons why Ek was chosen for this, and proof that they have some reason to think she’s capable of this task. Through most of page 6, I’m honestly still more in agreement with Tik than with Gy and LN… I don’t think we knew enough about why they were waiting until the Convergence for this change in plans to be significant. We were told that it was the best plan, but I don’t think there was a clear enough explanation for why they should wait for us to be as concerned as everyone here (except LN) seems to be that the news got out earlier than planned. It’s explained a little here, but when it’s too late to follow that plan anyway, it doesn’t seem like as much of a loss as it seems like it’s supposed to be. Overall thoughts: The flow of these chapters was good. Some spots could benefit from the addition of some extra detail and definition, but I could follow what was happening and am curious to learn more about what’s going on. I do think it would be helpful to have more of an idea of what our end goal is by now, though. We defeated the old tyrant, hooray! And they obviously have plans for next steps, but we don’t have a good concept of what they are really trying to do other than set Ek up as a sort of figurehead, and that Ek wasn’t their primary choice. But we don’t really know what was so bad about the tyrant or why they picked Ek or who Ge was, or even what the Resistance as a whole is aiming for, since we only get Ek’s part of it. I’m still not sure how I feel about Ek’s dialogue. I know she’s supposed to be unprepared and out of her depth in all of this, but her dialogue seems a little naïve or overly casual for someone who is supposed to be the figurehead of the Resistance. Her talking to the en- is more fitting for someone who should have had some training to at least seem like they could be the Au-. It might make sense that she shifts away from her more natural conversational tone when she’s addressing a bunch of en-, but something about her regular dialogue lines make me feel like she seems out of touch with what’s going on. Her response to the en- shows that she can push past panic and speak politically, and that she understands her role and responsibilities, and I’d like to see more of that side of her. Still uncertain and out of her depth, but aware of the situation and engaging with the role that she’s found herself in. I really enjoyed Tik’s chapter, though it cut off rather abruptly. I always enjoy seeing the background support team trying to do damage control or make sure that things are actually working properly so that the more officially important people can do exciting things. I still feel like I don’t get a good concept of what we are aiming toward, or what the Resistance is aiming away from, and think we could use more of that early on. But I’m enjoying reading, and am looking forward to seeing how things progress from here. Thanks for submitting!

Sounds good. Thanks!

I noticed a lot of fragmented phrases that seem to be trying to make things quick and snappy. That does keep the pace going quickly and keeps the intensity up, there are some places where I got caught feeling like a word was missing or that the way it was fragmented was awkward. Turning them into short, complete sentences can keep the snappiness and quick pace without risking the reader tripping over a fragment. Other than getting a little lost during the battle, those intentionally fragmented parts, and an oddly worded phrase here and there, I think this flowed really well. The pace was good and kept me focused in even when I wasn’t entirely sure what was being referenced a few times. And the hard hit of the last scene definitely makes me wish I’d had a chance to see the characters’ relationships from the beginning. I will have to make sure to read the whole thing through at some point. Pg 1. “missed the sound” I read this as implying that she wished the guards would come back (which was confusing), not that she didn’t notice it. Not sure if that’s a mistake others have made, but it might be worth rewording. “Good evening …stir” Is there a reason there’s a line break between the two phrases of BK’s dialogue? I don’t have a clear enough understanding of dialogue formatting rules to know if there are reasons for it to be that way, but I would read that as a switch in speaker if not for the immediate indication that it’s BK talking. Especially with only the two of them there. “Lack of loyalty” awkward wording Pg 2 “She tricked me…free.” The detail of being tricked into going to dinner would be odd to mention “minotaur guard” Hello, there. I didn’t realize he was there as well. Pg 3 “You’ve commanded…” This seems like it should come right after the bells. Or right after her action in the previous line. Otherwise it seems like she’s taking a long time to process it while he unlocks the door. Also, I am assuming the need to unlock the door with a key vs. the manacles with telekinesis is an iron vs. bronze (it was bronze, right?) thing? I hope? “Bells…” I think this either needs to be split into two parts (“Bells.” then the description) or made into a complete sentence. It sounds odd as a fragment, though I get what it’s trying to do. Pg 5 Sort of like with the dialogue line split above, I’m not sure what the official rules are and what I habitually do incorrectly, but I think a lot of the phrases separated out with commas here should be punctuated differently. “turn around…blew over.” And “without his…following suit” Pg 6 I like the paralleled descriptions contrasting the equipment “Y-shaped hallway” I don’t know what this means. Is this a specific place that we should know about? Pg 7 I haven’t read enough of the rest of this to know for sure, but the description of the violence/gore seemed more graphic than I would have expected from the tone of the chapters I’ve read. It’s a battle, so there’s certainly going to be some blood, but some of the descriptive words and phrases seem, well, gorier than I would have expected from the tone elsewhere. Especially “coated with blood” and “ripped into flesh,” where I don’t see the implication of BK’s violence being extra horrific as something that’s significant. [checking back in later, the gorier description around T does seem more relevant because it’s supposed to be incredibly horrifying] Pg 8-11 I got a little lost in the battle. Some of that might have been unfamiliarity with the world making it difficult to picture how a battle between people and animals and magic and weapons and some various terms that I haven’t quite figured out all fit together. Beyond that, it looks like you tried to make it feel like Ir was a little lost in the chaos, but having various people talking and a lot going on at once. That feels accurate for a battle scene, but I think there’s a fine line between making the character feel lost and making the reader feel lost. And I think this might have jumped over that a bit. But when I’m already confused about getting my bearings in the world, it might just be the result of jumping in for final chapters. Pg 12-14 This is a powerful, emotional ending, even for someone who has jumped in last minute and doesn’t have nearly the connection to the characters that other readers would coming through. Pg 13 “as shock and blood-loss” I’m not quite sure this makes sense, since I’d think that shock and blood loss would be compounding factors in death, not competing ones? Even if there’s been enough blood lost for systems to start shutting down from shock, I’d still think that blood loss would be the cause. The shock would just be part of that. I think. I am not a medical professional

Can I have a spot for my revised prologue on the 11th? It's at 4,600 words now (far less debris and vague allusion, far more character) And if there seems to be space for a double submission, I'd love to add in Chapter 1 (3900 words now, but I'm hoping to trim it down a little more this weekend). I know double submissions aren't too common, and it's not a problem if you'd suggest holding off, but I figured it was worth asking and seeing where the submission count ends up for the week. Trying to get as much writing/revising as I can in before my coaching season starts up next week.

I enjoyed reading this. Like someone above said, I love how the name immediately implies a certain character, and carries it through. I had sort of paused there and gone "Is this a little old lady? Please let it be a little old lady." Maybe little old ladies are more common in short fiction, but I feel like I don't see enough of them in the books I read. The writing was smooth, and gave us a good sense of a fun character. The "Righty-O" line confused me a little, though I think I was too caught off guard by end of the call to really register the slamming of the receiver that other people noticed. I don't think I've ever ended a phone call with any member of my family that quickly. I'm more used to the sort of call where you say good-bye half a dozen times then get sidetracked by what so-and-so has been up to recently before you can actually hang up. Other families are likely more efficient about that sort of thing, though. I don't have too many thoughts about the length, since I haven't read much short fiction in quite a while, and am horrible at writing it. I honestly had to look up the cut-off for flash fiction when I saw people referencing it. I didn't get the peonies to experiences connection before the spoiler, but had leaned toward the question of whether the aliens are actually real and she's choosing to go with them or if it's a metaphor for being ready for death. If I were to push that thought further, I might have eventually gotten to the peonies representing her life's work or memories. Taking some part of it with her to whatever is beyond and leaving some of them there for others. Thanks for sharing! Looking forward to reading more of your writing.

Pg 1: I’m not entirely sure what C’s reaction to the opening scene is. He seems to be observing with no real emotion at all, but if that’s the case, then what’s he thinking about instead? If he sees this sort of thing all the time, is he just exhausted from being on the road? Concerned about weather that’s coming in? Wishing he’d chosen something different for breakfast? Making a mental note to check some loose spot in his gear? Giving V a reassuring pat gives us the idea that he has some sense of sympathy, to want to comfort it, but if C isn’t as concerned about senseless violence, what can whatever he is concerned about tells us about him and how he processes the world? We get a little more of a hint from A. The use of “distaste” instead of horror or shock does a good job of conveying that she has seen enough of this sort of thing to have moved beyond horror or grief, and her already having the others set up camp shows a sense of initiative and practicality. But I don’t get as much of a read on C. Who are “the boys”? Is A using it condescendingly? As a sort of parental fondness? I don’t know enough about her or the FoS or their history to have a gauge on this. [also, checking back later, I’d expected “the boys” to be a small group. A sort of raiding party. Not a group planning to chase down a small army. Which just makes the confusion behind my earlier questions bigger.] This seems like an odd time to reminisce about a first meeting. Especially when the details it reveals don’t seem immediately relevant. Pg 2: First thought in C assuming that the figure is an assassin is that he’s paranoid. Maybe with good reason, but I don’t know enough about who he or his group are to know. I generally don’t trust people who approach burning towns with the intention of killing the first survivor they see, though. “The figure…a woman, C realized.” If it’s a “light frame” that is eventually indicating that she’s a woman, isn’t that something he would have noticed by the time he was close enough to see that she was armed? If he hadn’t gotten a clear gauge on size at first glance, was he likely to assume the assassin was a man until he got close enough to change his opinion, at which point, would his second guess be teenage boy or woman? Which is he more likely to assume for his assumed assassin? Probably whichever he perceives as more threatening. But which is that? This seems like another good chance to show us how he processes things, to see how he works from one guess to another as more information is added in. And how likely it is to have female assassins/fighters in this world. Also, I’m still not convinced that he had reason to assume that she was an assassin? I imagine that anyone who had managed to hide away from people burning her village down would be trying to stay out of the way upon seeing new riders coming in if she didn’t know who they were. And I wouldn’t blame her for being a little jumpy with her sword if that was the case. Pg 3: “Who are you?” – This seems like a bad time to be asking questions. Especially if it’s not important enough for him to hold off on killing her until he has at least tried to get an answer. Also, I don’t know if I just missed the detail above or if it wasn’t mentioned, but I hadn’t realized it was dark out. Pain-numbing swords seem very handy. Is the “light material” of the medallion metallic? Something stone-like? Bone-like? Is light referring to the color or the weight? Also, grabbing her belt knife to cut through the leather is probably going to be a lot easier than snapping it free. Depending on how thick the leather is, it’s likely going to take more than a “tug” to break it. [checking back after later thoughts. If he hasn’t put the sword away yet -because, pain- why not use that? Are there rules for proper use of magic swords? Or polite use, depending on how sentient they are?] Pg 4: A working with the field medics: Wasn’t she organizing a scouting party? I didn’t get the impression that C’s noticing the assassin and fighting her had taken that long. If she’s supposed to be organizing the setting up of camp and such, it seems odd that she’s off working with the medics. If she’s dealt with the scouts, gotten things organized, and is now moving on to another task, and he’s just wandering over, is blood loss going to be a bigger concern? Also, if they have medics, why is he looking for her when a medic seems more immediately necessary? “Made the fury burn stronger.” At the moment, the only thing I’ve gotten the impression that he’s angry about is that there was an assassin there. And that his horse had run off after being slashed at. Is this supposed to be righteous anger at the burning of the town? We’re assuming the Judge is some sort of god of death and judgment, based on C’s comments after his fight. Is there a reason A swears by him here instead of some other deity? Or why his beard is especially relevant? There doesn’t necessarily have to be, and if there is, we don’t need to know that here, but I think far too much about what people’s oaths and chosen swear words say about their perspective of the world, so I always ask these questions. “What happened…vital organs.” They skipped a bunch of basic first aid steps here. Especially if they have medics readily available. And if A is C’s second, I’m not sure why she’s trying her hand at stitching. She’d probably know basic first aid for emergencies, but if they have medics, they would be doing the real work. No reason for her not to report about the scouts while he’s being stitched, but I don’t get why she’s here instead of dealing with the scouts she’d gone to send out. “Sounded like the…we can’t be sure.” How close did they get? And what is the geography like around the village that prevented them from being spotted in the process? “slipped V back into its sheath” – I really like the magic sword so far. Makes me wonder what its full capabilities are. What makes them the way they are? Are there a lot of magical swords? Or is V special? If there are multiple ones, do different ones have different capabilities? Does he consider checking her sword to see if it’s also magical? Is the magic tied to the user/owner (and what if those are not the same people)? These questions don’t need in-text answers, but they are things that I am very curious about “Send a couple of scouts.” Wasn’t it the scouts that she’d sent that saw them? The “check it out” seems to conflict with “follow them.” My perception was that things had already been checked out. Also, “a couple” Seems vague for someone handing out orders. If he trusts her judgment over his own on the matter of how many is the best number, have him imply that. Her former spymastering might make that the case, depending on what all that involved. If it’s going to require certain skills, she’s likely to know who is most suited to the task of stealth in certain terrains. Hah. And getting to the next paragraph, I see that you already took care of my assumptions. Nice. This is exactly how I would have expected her to have acted given what we’d seen of her personality earlier (or at least how I was hoping to have her acting. I always enjoy practical, take care of what needs to be done characters). Might still be good to show his trust in her judgment before we find out that she already did what he expected. Maybe something along the lines of “If you haven’t already, choose a couple of people to follow them.” The questions about P seem really out of place here. Pg 5: “Last I heard…hear news soon.” This seems like something that she would have known already. Pigeons: Do C and company have a regular base of operations that pigeons would be flying to? I don’t know enough about the circumstances to know if they do more roving around or if this venture is an unusual case. A pigeon will go to where it was trained to go, but if that’s nowhere near the burned village, I have no idea what the communication delay on that might be. “recruit the ones who can fight” Where were these people in the opening? If any of them were in the village, why did C set off after the supposed-assassin because she looked suspicious if there were also other people wandering around? “We’ll need more men” I don’t have a good concept of how many men they have. Initially I thought it was a small group, but the addition of medics and scouts and mess tents makes it seem like more. Also, if A is here, my assumption was that there were other women as well. Also, the fact that they periodically refer to the group as “the boys” doesn’t seem to fit C or A’s personalities. “See that it’s taken care of.” If A is in the middle of something important, whether that’s helping the medics or doing whatever she is near the medics, this seems like a rather menial task to assign her. There has to be someone standing around who he would send off to find a horse. Even some random townsperson. Hope he didn’t have anything important in his saddlebags, and that the gear wasn’t valuable… “fires were finally put out by that evening” wasn’t it already dark out? I hadn’t expected C to be the type to wind down by sitting down and smoking a pipe in the evening. Pg 6: “Two hundred horse … open engagement” Seeing that many people from a distance seems like it would be pretty straightforward depending on terrain. The numbers and distances here all feel off. I don’t know enough to know what they should be, but I’d check with someone who does to make sure that they make sense. A’s response to the medallion contradicts what we’ve seen from her so far. I’d expect maybe some fear in her reaction, but not pale shakiness when she’d calmly surveyed the brutal destruction of the village with distaste. I’d expect more anger if anything, if she thinks she was in the right to act as she did. Or if she looks at their turning on her as a betrayal as well. Either way, I think we need to know more about the world before we can figure out where any of the new things she mentions fits. Pg 7: The conversation between A and C after this seems uncharacteristic for either of them. I still don’t have a good sense of his personality, but it certainly doesn’t seem warm and compassionate, and the impression of her that I got from the beginning (which I am clinging to because I like it. If he’s made her his second, it suggests a levelheadedness and steadiness in battle to deserve it.) doesn’t make her seem like the type to give in to fear and despair. Even if they are close enough to be a little more open with each other than out in the open, their personalities aren’t going to do a full 180. The pipe smoking also still seems out of place. Also, if he’s still in pain, expecting an attack, and generally had a long day, is he likely to remember to pull a necklace out of his pocket and ask about it? He thought it might be a clue, but had said specifically said that it didn’t seem familiar. I would think he’d be worrying about how to be preparing his people to defend their camp, should they be attacked. I’m curious about where things with the necklace go, but I don’t think we have enough knowledge about the world yet to make sense of the explanation she gives. “The sounds of fighting woke him.” Wouldn’t one of their scouts have seen a fighting group that size approaching with plenty of time to wake him up? Pg 8: “had no time” Nope. Put on that armor. How would he be likely to respond to the men he commands going this route? The military/battle mechanics seem off through this section, but I don’t know enough to call out specifics. There is a whole lot of information exchanged between C and R in their challenge that we have very little world-context to place any of it in. I’m not sure what the conversation between A&C accomplishes before the duel, and I think the duel itself could be trimmed down significantly. Closing comment: A seems to be very well-stocked on flasks. Overall thoughts: Dialogue: Overall, I didn’t notice anything especially problematic through the first day, except a couple lines in the final conversation between A and C that seemed to be aiming for some sort of accent or slang: “Like seein’ a ghost, that is” is the only one I’m finding now, but I thought there were a couple of others. These seem out of place. And when we jump to the duel, everything gets really wordy and overly formal. Not being problematic doesn’t make it interesting, though. I think really nailing down the characters’ personalities and determining what mannerisms and behaviors they tend toward would be helpful. What impact do their personalities have on how they describe things or how many words they bother to use at once? How does that change when they’re in public vs. private, stressed vs. at ease, etc. I don’t have enough sense of the MCs’ personalities to feel really attached to them at this point. Especially when the things that I did latch on to didn’t seem to be consistent later on. As someone who really likes character driven stories, not getting to know those characters makes it really tough for me to get invested in what they’re doing. And as someone who likes interesting world-building, I saw some details that seemed interesting, but they were introduced too quickly and without enough foundation for me to figure out how anything fit together. I think you tried to add in too many things at once without making sure that the underlying details of what we really need to know were solid. You brought in a lot of wider world details (P, the medallion background, lots of cities and titles that we don’t know anything about yet), without explaining the more immediate concerns (the battle with R) more clearly. I want to know more about the sword magic, especially, and about a few other world-building things as well, but it’s hard to create worlds from scratch, and its even harder to clearly explain them to others when some important underlying details aren’t necessarily relevant to the immediate conflict. I think it can be helpful to deal with it a scene at a time, or a conversation at a time, and figure out what world-knowledge is needed within just those lines. Once you have a clearer understanding of the absolute necessities, then you can find places where there might be room to add in important but less relevant details without bogging down the reader. Hope some of those thoughts are helpful! Thanks for sharing, and good luck!

That is amazing.

Hah! Gonna say. I have one cookie-making grandma and one who was very much not a cookie-making grandma. But neither would find many things worthy of pearl-clutching. I do have a friend who I could probably substitute in for the archetypal pearl-clutching granny, though, which will have to work. Thanks @Snakenaps That being said, you guys all pretty much repeated my own thoughts (I figured I was worrying about it more than I had to. But what else are brains for?). I mostly just figured it was worth checking before going with my default decision of being overcautious.

Do any of you have thoughts on when to tag submissions with things like gore or language when readers' tolerances for things can vary so much? I figure language is easy enough to just be overcautious and tag it for any occurrences, then specify mildness or severity in the intro. I see gore as harder to have an objective limit on, though. Are there rough standards that lost people here tend to follow, or do any of you have thoughts on how you choose what to tag for more subjective things? I am almost definitely overthinking this, but I figured I'd mention it in case this conversation has happened before and I just can't find it

Ooo. Me as well! I'll send a PM.

Awesome. Thanks for the information!

I do this for sections that I've spent far too much time staring at on the computer. Or when side-by-side windows doesn't work because I'd need four windows open. Scenes where it's bringing together a lot of hints that were dropped earlier, or ones where the exact details of the world building or magic system are important. It's probably most common when I want to make sure I'm not referencing information that the characters don't know. Especially if I've restructured some of how the magic system or world politics have been unfolded to the characters (or to the readers). Having quick references on paper to what the characters in the scene know or don't know can be really helpful to keep from jumping back to a single paragraph from chapter 3, or I can remind myself that the thing I thought character A found out in chapter 5 is actually only implied, and she's still confused about it. I am stingy with printer paper, or I would probably do it a lot more (and probably will for future drafts anyway) but it's so helpful for those times I need a different look at things or to not get overwhelmed by too many words.

May I have a slot for this Monday for my prologue? It's weighing in at 5,085 words at the moment, which hurts my rule-stickler brain, especially for a first submission, but I figured I'd check. Average wordcount for my other chapters is 3600 according to my handy-dandy spreadsheet, in case that makes it a little less concerning.

I would say my process seems really similar to what @ginger_reckoning said. A lot of side-by-side documents, or important paragraphs of the old versions copied and pasted in for quick reference. Usually if I do the latter, I'll adjust the formatting to something ridiculous, and after I add the new and improved text, I'll delete the section it replaced. For overall plot restructuring types of edits for a long project? I'm not sure yet. I haven't had enough big projects that I am excited enough about to do those more serious rounds of editing. I have a feeling that the next few months will be forcing me to find some better answers to that part of the question, though.

It wouldn't stop me from reading the book, for sure. But I might get disappointed when we get further in and the character I'd gotten connected to doesn't turn up. I like this opening as a reader, but my writing brain wants to be overly critical of what its key takeaway points are, since I know a lot of people are iffy about prologues. I'd have to see more of the full story to figure out if it would make more sense to approach it a little differently. And look forward to doing that further reading

I have mostly been using Google Docs while doing my first draft. It made it easier to share with friends who were helping me work through some early troubles, but I am quickly running into the load time problem that Snakenaps mentioned. I've switched back over to Word for now, because I've been trying to tighten up text to reduce word count, and having the wordcount right at the bottom of the page is handy for that, but am on the lookout for something better. All of my reference notes for my worldbuilding are in various Google Docs and Google Sheets files, but it's probably not the best way to organize them, and I'm sure I've lost things along the way. I did like being able to skim through sections on my phone to make outline notes and rough edits while I was putting the first draft together, but I don't think I'd be able to do too much real editing that way. The ideal option would be something that I and my husband would both be able to use, since we have slightly different requirements for writing. I do fantasy novel writing, and could probably benefit from some worldbuilding organization system, but haven't liked the ones that I've tried trials for. He does audio drama script writing, so he deals with smaller scene pieces at a time and likes to be able to annotate with directing notes and sound design/music composition thoughts. I've heard good things about Scrivener, but don't think I've actually tried the trial before. I might have to do that now...

Overall: After a few paragraphs, I’m already seeing that my tendency toward fantasy over sci-fi is going to color my thoughts on this a LOT. I enjoy some sci-fi, but I haven’t read enough hard sci-fi to have developed the tools to absorb things as quickly as I do with complicated magic systems. So something that has a steep learning curve in regard to alien species and tech assumptions is going to take more work on my part to read. That doesn’t necessarily mean I won’t enjoy it, but it does mean that I’m more likely to reach for something else if I just want a fun, casual read. General thought on profanity usage (honestly, I don’t know how most sci-fi settings approach this)- If our protagonist isn’t human, is she likely to be using familiar human profanities? I don’t know enough about the biologies of the protagonist or other characters to say, but it seems like the things that Ne and those around her would find offensive enough to make into a useful swear word are probably not the standard things our cultures would - specifically when they are related to sex and biological functions. Continued thoughts after finishing: Once we’d gotten past the barrage of opening details that I didn’t understand much of, I enjoyed it a lot more. It raises questions that I found interesting. I’m really curious about the reasons that she was exiled, and how that’s dealt with. However, I’m not sure that the plant-transportation plot details caught me. I can see that they are both a valuable resource and have some sort of religious significance to Ne, but I don’t really know why, so it’s hard to be too concerned about it. I think the overall world is interesting, and I like the characters, but this section doesn’t convince me that the direction it’s going to be going in is the direction that I am interested in. That, combined with the difficulty of processing concepts that are dropped into the world without explanation would make it hard for me to keep reading. Pg 1 A LOT of unfamiliar terminology in the first paragraph. The first few paragraphs took far too many read-throughs to make sure that I had all of the information that it did present, and to confirm that the details that I was looking for weren’t mixed in among them. If it was something I was just picking up off a shelf, I don’t know that I’d be excited to take it home and keep reading. “stacked one deep” – this is an odd way to put this. Maybe something about it being a single layer? If it’s necessary at all? Despite my lack of familiarity sci-fi, I do love seeing people trying to wrestle with perceptions of time. I am very confused by Ne seeming to be used as a name, a place, and an adjective in the first two paragraphs. [checking back later. We need a little more information about Ne’s appearance/species earlier, and some clarification on how the various Ne-associated terms work. Adjusting images of a character or understandings of a world 10 or 15 pages in is tough] Also, settees? As someone who spends free time reupholstering old furniture, I am very confused about what this is referring to at first use. I am familiar with a settee being a real thing (I have one in my living room. I can see it) but it is quite obviously not the sort of thing you are describing. I think. Unless sofa technology has come a long way in this world. But I have no idea because it’s not described. This is probably more of a sticking point than it should be… Pg 2 That comment about emotions. Man. Yeah. Also, the description of comfortable friendship. Excellent. Pg 5 Oooo. HVAC discussions. See…these are the sorts of things that make me wonder why sci-fi doesn’t click better with me. My mechie brain just wants to badly to find hypothetical solutions to crazy physics problems. Pg 13-15 Buffalo- I am understanding this as an example of Ap not being as familiar with Common? Other than that, though, their conversation doesn’t seem to carry any of the communication difficulty that I would have expected from Ap’s supposedly poor grasp of Common. She’d be familiar with the jargon associated with her business, but they’re just chatting a few times, and there’s no sign of misunderstanding.

Overall thoughts: If William isn’t our MC, I think we need more information about the rest of the world in a prologue. We get a good picture of the junkyard, some details about the sorts of tech we have in this steampunk setting, the existence of machine spirits, and some information about William and his crew, but there isn’t too much information provided about what’s going on in the world around it. There are a lot of little grammar fixes and wording adjustments that need to be made for readability, but where those are absent, the writing is smooth. Given where we start, I would likely continue reading to figure out where things go from here, but depending on how much of what we learn here is carried into the rest of the story, I might feel rather disoriented by a change in setting in chapter 1. Pg 1: The description in the first couple of paragraphs is good. We get a good, clear picture of the scene. However, it could be tightened up a good deal. “Wm hadn’t become … by not knowing … wind” The wording of this sentence would be clearer without the double negative. Pg 2-3: The amount of talking to himself that he does seems a little odd. Pg 3: “chest with no lock” To me, this wording implies not that the chest can just be opened, but that there’s something other than a traditional lock keeping it shut. I like the description of the machine spirit. “Just because you were cautious…” I assume this is referring to his earlier recited lines, but I think it needs to be tied to it a little more directly for that to come across clearly. The chest connection is there, but what he’s actually saying isn’t intuitive the way it’s written now, so it takes a few extra seconds of distraction from the text to put together. I like the reference, but the wording needs to be fixed a little for it to be effective without being distracting. Pg 4: “Wm was no … mast” (strange to stranger typo, but I assume someone else has also pointed that out) this is helpful in adding to our understanding of what the world is like - what’s normal, and what’s exceptional. “The torso had…the first place.” The structure of this sentence was confusing. “By all the gears…” I probably think far too much about the oaths and swearing in sci-fi/fantasy settings. They always add curiosity and interest about the belief system that makes certain things worthy to be sworn by. In that regard, this is great. Depending on what you’re going for, it might benefit from some adjusting, though. The length of it implies more of a sense of awe than a quick, reactionary oath would, but I think if that’s what you’re going for (I think it might be?), it might be good to have the slow breath out before he actually speaks. Make him clearly shocked to the point of being dumbfounded, not just speaking by reflex (which would probably use some shortened form for efficiency). Pg 5: “Wm inhaled and exhaled as he thought” I’d forgotten he was smoking, so this seemed odd. Maybe he does something with his pipe here before the inhaling and exhaling so that we remember it. Some fidgety motion or mouth adjustment (My knowledge of the mechanics of pipe smoking is pretty much nonexistent, so I have no thoughts for what would make sense, but I think it needs something.) “been spared” Would “survived” be a more fitting term? In my mind, being spared implies some choice from whatever is doing the damage. But we don’t know enough about how the machine spirits work to know what wording would make the most sense at this point, so survival may not necessarily be a relevant term either. The current wording seems off, though. Pg 6: The conversation between Ir and Wm needs some adjustment. Some of the wording is awkward, and we aren’t given any extra context. Is Wm scoffing or sarcastic when he says a person damaged to that extent wouldn’t die? Or is he taking her at her word (which would seem odd to me)? Is her “No” exasperated or impatient? Do machine spirits have those sorts of emotions? “lower me. Alone.” This seems…unwise. And while he has already mentioned that he wouldn’t have gotten where he is without knowing when to throw caution to the wind, if he’s very aware that something (potentially something nearby) caused a lot of damage to the armor, this doesn’t seem like it should be a time to go off alone. Page 7: Leather undersoles- I assume that you mean the bottoms are leather? This isn’t going to get him extra grip. One of the reasons a lot of dancers use leather-soled shoes is because they aren’t sticky. They get more spin and glide on floors. On metal? He’d be sliding around like crazy unless there’s something else coating the bottoms. There’s a reason that most leather work boots don’t also have leather soles. “slammed” to me implies either an attempt to destroy the thing or something accidental where he’s catching himself. That might just be me, though. Slam immediately connects to slamming into something in my mind. More talking to himself. Is Ir here to be a potential recipient of his comments? “Seemingly …center” There seems to be a typo here, which makes the wording confusing. Page 8: The talking to himself again seems out of place. Especially when we are about to find out that Ir is still there.

I generally read far more fantasy than sci-fi, so I’m sure that colors a lot of my opinions here. Especially for the second part. Also, I tend to get rambly when I have Thoughts, so I apologize in advance for that. This is the first RE submission I’m commenting on, so I haven’t figured out how I’ll want to structure responses long term. Overall thoughts: I enjoyed things up through right before the meeting scene. It was interesting and made me want to read more. The writing was smooth and readable, and there were very few parts of the dialog that felt clunky. I want to see how things pan out for this new government, and there are a good number of world building elements that I want to learn more about. The meeting scene just had too much going on for me to absorb it all, so I don’t have much to say about that here except that I think the information sharing and character introductions need to be done more gradually. More specific thoughts below. Ch 1 Pg 1 Opening line: For some reason, my brain got caught on “freed” vs. “free” I don’t think it would have been quite as distracting if somewhere else, but it was a little jarring in the first line because my brain expects an adjective. Also, I’m not sure how I feel about the contrast of the “Just like that” here and the implication that the conflict has been going on for a long time that we are given later on. “…flanked by the remaining soldiers.” I think switching “the” to “her” might be a good way to clarify gender right up front (as well as to imply that she has authority over them, if that’s what you’re going for). We might be used to -a endings tending toward being feminine, but those things seem to get turned on their heads in sci-fi/fantasy settings. “his eyes were wet”. I think this would convey more significance if there was some additional detail. In general, I think we’re going to assume that military commanders aren’t prone to breaking into tears in front of their troops, so it seems like it should be a bigger deal, but it's just dropped in here. Maybe Ek a looks away a little awkwardly. Or very intentionally doesn’t, because she thinks it would be disrespectful to acknowledge the emotion. Or something else, depending on what she thinks of him or vice-versa. We can assume that he’s experiencing some complicated relief/grief after the long conflict, but a few extra words could do a lot to give us some information about him or Ek or their history. “the library.” I like that the library is an important thing to gain control of, but it might be good to call out what it is they find there that’s valuable. Records? Valuable artifacts? Some other resource that will show us something unique about your world? Maybe something closer to “after that, the library. We need those _” “Gy gestured forward” could again use a few extra words to give us more color. Is he angry? Just relieved to have all of it over with? Doubtful and wanting to confirm the death? Pg 2 “stared at them with sapphire eyes.” Saying that it’s the sapphire eyes staring blankly, instead of “him” might emphasize the lifelessness a little more. (considering what then follows, this may or may not be what you’d be going for.) “I’m just surprised that it actually exists” I like this. The fine lines between myth, propaganda, general public understanding, and reality are always interesting to me. “Jes- Kr-” This, to me, is suggesting that we are in a setting where swearing by some translation/transliteration of Christ is relevant, which (to me) is implying that some form or variation of Christianity is still familiar enough to the culture at-large for using it as an oath to be relevant. “You’re all idiots.” This feels like a rather mild insult following the assertion that they’re trying to take the place of God. And the reference to the A-ch as God again brings back the question of whether J-K is a relevant oath. Ek’s response feels a little childish, which doesn’t seem to be what we want from our protagonist, but could be intentional. Pg 3 “don’t believe in killing.” There’s likely a stronger or more specific replacement for “killing” Pg 4 “someone who doesn’t exist.” Are we supposed to be working with a familiar definition of existence here? Even if this is referencing some deep dark secret of Ek's, I'd think that by most readers' standards, having one of the main characters be accused of not existing would seem odd. “While they talked, and began celebrating” Talking seems like an odd thing for them to be doing. Also, how much celebrating is appropriate when the next scene tells us they still have a lot of fighting left? “Her black hair braided into a crown for this occasion.” The opening implies that Ek fits somewhere in the military hierarchy, and that she was involved with the fighting to some extent, but hair braided into a crown seems impractical for that. I don’t know of many crown braids that are going to stand up to being stuck into a helmet for combat. And we hardly want our potential figurehead to get accidentally killed during the takeover by not being properly armored. Ch 2: Pg 5: “the thunder of the gods”: Again back to the religion questions (I am prone to these. Sorry about that) We finished the previous chapter with sitting down on the Throne of God, but we’re now referring to multiple gods. Are we (or Ek, anyway) looking at the world from a polytheistic or monotheistic perspective? If her beliefs contradict the former A-ch’s claim to deity, that should probably be pointed out. If she believes in one set of gods, and he had set himself up against them as some single God, she would probably have stronger feelings than calling him an idiot. And she’d probably feel less guilty about killing him. Depending on what her beliefs actually state. “Ek shook her head … ‘a little sacrifice on our part is worth it.’” I think the points of “we’ve had this conversation a hundred times already” and “A bit late to voice these concerns.” Are key here. If they’ve already discussed it so often, they hardly need to do so again, and if they would, this doesn’t seem to be the time or place to hash it out. Second guessing herself? Sure. Admitting that things were worse than she had expected? Sure. But the question of parents doesn’t seem like a productive point for her to bring up if she’d already gone through that direction of thought and had decided that the sacrifice was worth it. Pg 6 An added detail to help us place Ge, maybe? A sister? A friend? A mentor? Some clue as to her relationship with Ek would be helpful. “’Yeah’ … ‘Then I can take a nap.’” I’m still not quite getting a good read on Ek. A minute ago, she was appropriately grieving the losses of war that she is in many ways responsible for by making herself part of the revolutionaries’ plans. The curiosity about God’s Tear makes sense, though the conversation transition is a little sudden. But her attitude in this conversation seems very detached and casual. Especially the thought of taking a nap when she was still processing some very intense second guessing of her choices a minute before. This feeling is exaggerated even more in the next scene. Even if she wasn’t their first choice to be the figurehead, they had to have gone through with choosing her as a second for some reason, and she willingly followed through with their plans. The thought that she would be entirely unprepared for the “boring” things that followed seems off unless they had some reason to choose her that we aren’t yet aware of. And if that’s the case, I think we need at least a small part of that reason to be revealed before the meeting scene. At this point, her attitude during the meeting makes her seem like she’s inept and/or neglecting all of her responsibilities. Which doesn’t exactly make me want to root for her. We need some reason to believe that choosing her for the position wasn’t an entirely ridiculous decision. For a revolution to have been in the making for hundreds of years, with multiple groups organizing it, they aren’t going to pick just anyone. If the person isn’t entirely capable, and things go wrong, things generally don’t go well for remaining parties within the revolutionary group. Choosing her as a "compassionate face" is one thing, but they’re betting their lives, their families’ lives, and the futures of all involved on Ek. And at the moment, I don’t trust her as capable. Pgs 7-11 Ultimately, I think there’s just too much going on in this scene for me to get invested, and my lack of familiarity with sci-fi may be partly to blame for that. My brain has trained itself to absorb ridiculous magic systems without trouble, but for whatever reason, alien races and the related descriptions sort of just make it stop accepting new information. Even beyond that, though, I think there are too many people we don’t know talking here, and the conversation is going in too many directions. If Ek is bored by the conversation and the details aren’t as important as the characters giving them, then I think some of that can be fixed by something along the lines of “Alien A was talking about X, as they always did. Their defining physical features contrasted those of Alien B, who was responding in this species-defining way” If all of the details in the conversation are vitally important to the plot, I think it’s more important to pick the ones that are most vital to share here, and to find ways to introduce others in future chapters. I’m also not sure that it’s helpful to repeat the event of the Tear shocking someone who touches it. It certainly doesn’t make sense for Gy to encourage them to take it, when he was just shocked by it a few minutes before. They spend almost half a page arguing and then having the one character get shocked, but what new information does it provide? Maybe the Tear leaves some mark that Gy can show them to prove that it’s not safe for them to take it if they don’t trust his word? I do like the last bit, though. I enjoy seeing characters stumble into accidental magic use (or in this case, science use, I suppose, depending on what exactly the God Tear is and how you draw those lines in your world), and like watching them try to navigate the results. All of that being said, I would certainly be glad to read more, but would be skeptical if I ran into another section like the big meeting scene.

Ooooo. Jealous. Partly that you have any copy at all at the moment (lol) but that's really awesome

Good! I'm sure I will hate some of that, but I know it's needed! I have a few good friends who have helped with some initial reading, and they're awesome, but they are looking at it like friends and readers, and I definitely need people who are looking at it more critically.