Aspiring Writer

Oh. I'll still take it. You're not ookla until you are.

Yes! @Ookla the Sarcastic Go. Make your move. It will be useless. Hentient and I can keep stealing from you until you die! Wait, how are we going to handle hentient? @Whysper, you have a plan?

@Vapor @Mist @Somebody from Sel @Shard of Reading Help me, I need non-ookla people.

@Ookla The Female Chicken Steal from Ghander, He's going to go after you next. You're his biggest rival. And me and whysper have no coins for you to steal anyway.

I'd have him be my personal enforcer to beat up anyone I really don't like (Nothing major for the most part) Remove certain people in high positions that the world could do without, have him do anything I don't like doing, maybe try and use him to blackmail rich people to give several people money, one of which will be me and the others will be to cover my tracks, and be a personal bodyguard so I don't have to fear death by gunshot or if I get in an accident he can fly me to a hospital or may even let me use the damn blade to heal before giving it back. So yeah, I'd actually use him as an assassin/enforcer.

I feel like rust right now, so writing is becoming a little hard, so let's see what these next two chapters do. Pg1- good. Descriptive. Pg-2- try and combine the happiness and pain paragraph. It feels slightly overt right now, and your reader will get what you're trying to do. "pulled her down." Maybe weighed on her would be better? or maybe both? Pg3- Nice encounter. Realistic. Pg4-5- "did, although she wasn’t sure of its purpose." Put this in the next paragraph. Having right after that BK speaks makes it look like she spoke. Pg6- interesting magic system. nicely explained. Pg7- I am really liking BK. Very sensible. Pg10- "not be spy" You forgot the a Pg12- "such as strong ‘No, way!’" Is this right? It doesn't sound right. Pg18- "Wincing," I think grimacing might be better here. Pg19- ohhh, more about the magic in combative situations. me likey. Pg21-22- I suggest ending it on page 21. Tha band scene is a far less effective ending than saying "flat out attack" Overall, enjoyable, I certainly liked learning more about the magic. (Granted, I'm bias to those sorts of things). Character interaction was nice, and scenes progressed nicely.

Welcome those who have not decided to change their name to ookla for ookla season. Just decided to make this on a whim.

He has not thought much about the ship. if I asked for Fanfic of the ship, he'd be lost.

I use Ambassador to make a card exchange. @Chasmgoat show me my options. @Whysper your turn.

That is a bit too overt, and from what I can tell from my other readers, they easily guess what the three are, it is fairly obvious to them. Saying it would just be corny. he can't hurt Rest and Rest can possess him. There is no better option than run. Does that make more sense? I have done a bit on that front. The first chapter I edited the battle scenes so he was being flanked and had to start crushing opponents, the second chapter I edited shows him being concerned about being hit by the ships, and in the third one he gets shot and minorly wounded by a soldier after being struck in the face, so he is getting a bit resistance than he did before. Well, the thing is I did. The whole paragraph on her wondering who she was and where she was is meant to be the lost thing. I don't want to be overt, because that feels childish, and from what I can tell of my reading group, people do seem to figure it out quickly, especially by the next POV. I know a lot of you groaned at me having a prologue, but there was a reason for it. So you get a small introduction to the lost character (Which I am very interested in what you all will think of. I'm sure you all will have very interesting suggestions for her.) you get to Q the vengeful, and then we get to the betrayed one. I think you just missed some of the flags somehow, I don't know, but it is there, and people have seen it as very obvious already, so adding more is going to be a little reaching through the book and slapping them in the face with it. Also, why are you awake? I'm an idiot and came back from a party, what has been done to you to make you stay awake at this ungodly hour? Edit- party is exaggeration.

@Ookla the Sarcastic make a play dang it!

I'm aware. I am more thick-skinned than that. The reason this is troubling is that I don't discard advice. What you say has merit, and I'm trying to decide what to do with it. I will say I don't like people implying I ignore them because of this one thing when I have made significant changes because of your advice.

Well, technically you do. You start out with the first girl from the prologue, so we don't start with Q. And yes, you've made your opinions that starting with a heartless character is a turn off for you, but I do have other people reading giving me a very different reaction, and I question whether a majority will be turned off or not. I can try and reduce the amount of ruthlessness we see from Q, that way he is more anti-hero. that will keep his character intact for the most part.

... I think you've killed everyone with that statement. Liking moash is fine, but not liking kaladin?

Your advice that the narrative didn't make more attention to Q's crap is valid, and I am working on that. He is a main character... he's just not the only one. In the book title, he is the vengeful. There are three characters I consider main characters in this book, and the title was the metaphorical flag. Will certainly like seeing what you think of the rest. I can understand that might have been frustrating, and I will try and make Q's actions more in the center of attention, and you all have given me a lot to think about with changing him. I address all issues you mention, tho I will disagree with some, especially as big as this. I have more than one book planned, and Q is a character which spans throughout, and he technically is a well-written character which makes this harder. he's not broken, just unlikable, which was part of my intent in the first place. And the fact I have some readers who are interested in him also gives me a lot to think about, as while you have been turned off by him, others have read hoping for more, which gives me mixed messages all around. There are people who like and root for a sadistic character like Cad Bane or Kenny Ackerman, and I am also one to some extent. I have a manuscript that needs cleaning, but what we think needs cleaning may differ. And again, I listen, don't constantly make it seem I ignore you about everything. I take a lot of what you said seriously, and this is not a decision I can just make on a whim. You've given me a lot to think about, and I am considering options, but for now I do feel it works and that I should keep going and judge your further reactions, because you guys definitely have one idea where this is all going and it's not going there at all. You shared your concerns, and I am considering options, one of which is keeping it as is. I really don't want to basically surgically remove an important part of his character and end up making him more like kelsier, someone who is charismatic and likable until you get deeper into his hatred.

This isn't a small detail or scene you're asking me to change (And I have taken your advice to change an entire storming chapter, so don't imply I don't listen), this is an entire character I have a lot of plans with, and changing his nature does change the story quite a bit. The plan I have for him is that he gets more bitter as the story progresses until he gets what he wants and then realizes he has no idea what to do next and has a life crisis. He changes and tries to do better, and we get to see some of his struggles at him trying to shrug of a lifetime of what you're seeing. His character spans very far into what I'm planning, and changing him is something I'm very reluctant to do. I can certainly make the narrative maybe emphasize his actions, I've already started working on that, but changing him will alter a lot.

Did not expect that. Good suggestion. Yeah, complete accident. Fixed it the first time it was pointed out. Hmm. It's an- oh scud, I forgot to put the a there. It was supposed to say she was a Phil. It's a species. The spacesuit covered every bit of his body. (I don't know how much is in this chapter because I have made a lot of edits for things like this and I don't know how much you know anymore.) But he used it specifically to cover his face and give him extra protection. Q through someone into him, which is why he possessed him. And yeah, he can accidentally possess anyone. He has to touch them to be the case, he doesn't get 'sucked in', which is why he stays above everyone. This is from Q's perspective. It would be worse if he knew the crap he was doing and kept doing it. Edit- also, because the next sub is going to make this clear, he is not the character your going to be following for the entire book, and the point of his character is to regress and then progress.

Why do you want Kaladin dead. Why not ship him with Teft? Or Daliner? Or Storming Amamram r Moash. Literally anyone is better than Hoid.

Not like that, it's just if you have difficulties communicating what you're saying to your parents for whatever reason, it might be useful to have a sort of mediator/translator to help out. Like legit, they may just need to hear what you're saying from a different voice, parents aren't great and listening to their kids. Whether or not they end up giving you one is fine, I'm just hoping that they would be willing, because I can't communicate anything with my parents. They are stubborn to a fault and they will perform some epic mental gymnastics and somehow make it your fault/problem/issue because they can do no wrong and they're perfect. (Even trying to deny they said they wish you were never born. Thrice. And then say you take things they say too seriously when they don't apologize for saying it. As I said, the sexuality thing is one of the many problems I have with them.) And I actually do have a therapist (Provided by the school I'm going to) and they refuse to ever meet her so we can discuss our problems with someone who can keep us on track and make sure neither of us lose our cool because they have a very negative stigma toward counselors, saying they're for crazy people (Despite my sister also having one provided by work) and possibly because they blame a lot of what they don't like about what I'm becoming on her, despite the fact they know nothing of what she says and the fact she challenges me as much as she supports me, and it's just ridiculous. So if you're parents are willing, the fact that they are will say a lot. Even if you don't need it, which I hope you don't, knowing they'd be willing to may give you comfort, seeing as there are parents unwilling to meet them even to save their relationship with their kid. I sure hope so. I don't know your parents, so I can't say much about that, but most parents want to get along with their child, and while they will probably be resistant at first, they may come around eventually. If they're bothered at first, don't take it too badly. It requires a change in thinking that takes a while to get used to.

For hair, it would be pulled toward the lashing, and for urine, i think it won't be affected by the lashing once it leaves his body.

Oh my. That's just awful. One is blatantly dismissive and ignorant, possibly by choice, and your mom's aggressive toward things. I am legit concerned for you, that actually sounds like a family relationship covered in oil and is about to be set alight. Small question, what are their views on therapists/counselors and would they be willing to meet with one? Because you might want a calming voice in the room if you come out and it's an issue.

Well, Sos, I gotta admit, you made a bad play. There are two players with really deadly combos that are vulnerable to assassination, and you chose the player with one card. Granted, a really good card to our knowledge, but still not anywhere near as vital as the other two. if you had targeted them, you would actually be on your way to winning. Everyone to our knowledge was vulnerable to assasination, which would let you pick us off one by one far faster than those two would, and if you took out their captains, you would make them vulnerable to stealing (Which I believe you can do?) So you not targeting them definitely screwed us over and have given them a chance to win. if you took one of Chickens cards and then she took one of Ghanders cards, we would have removed the two most powerful players the pivotal piece they need, making you the dominate player. Everything says the move you made was bad. @Whysper That look like everything?

Well, he is technically falling, so they would act like if he did these things while skydiving.