ginger_reckoning

Yes, thanks @Snakenapsthat is a helpful format! You could definitely continue to use that format if you wish. this made me lol XD. Thanks for the critiques!

You folks are awesome!

Hi, I'd like a slot for monday, but only after any new people are considered. We've gotten a lot of new people, and if they want to submit, please do them first (but if not, I'd like a slot)

Thank you! Oh, you would hate it here in Utah, XD. I hadn't considered that aspect, but I think in this scenario it would be applicable.

Welcome @Valerieand @C_Vallion! @Valerieit sounds like you have your hands full, but I'm glad you still find time to write! I know it is super scary to put your writing out there for others to read, so I can empathize with you there. But I think you will find that it's worth it to do so! (and I promise we dont bite...most of teh time ;-) ) Also, i totally agree with you on the horror thing. I don't really like reading about torture extensively *shudder* @C_Vallion you have described my experience with the rona quite perfectly XD. Excited to read your stuff as well! What kind of audio drama is your husband involved in? Could it perhaps be found on spotify or other sound apps? Welcome and happy holidays!

Thanks for the comments! This is a hlepful insight. Thanks! I think on my next pass that I will be amending her personality a bit to focus on certain ideals...I will be interested to see what you think. But thanks, this is helpful also. This blend of fantasy elements in here is intentional, to an extent. I'm hoping to get into this later, but it's mainly to highlight how far behind they are technologically from what you might expect. For instance, no laser/energy weapons. Or does this pull away from the story too much? Well, now I'm curious . Don't start you on what? fair! Oh! Whoops, I meant the trees referenced before. Is there are better way to phrase this and keep the comparison? I totally agree with this. I will be cutting and rearranging some parts for sure. It's verging on info-dump, i think. Thats what I'm going for! That and Dune, anyway. I was always frustrated that they never addressed the implications of killing the emperor (which they are actually amending a bit with mando, which I like) so I guess this is my way of venting that frustration Like, from thor? I don't recall this part, but thanks for pointing it out! Ha! I hadn't even thought of that, but totally! whoops I guess I'm going for more of a subversion, with parody elements. I think the inconsistency of tone is one the most obvious problems that everyone pointed out, so I will try to address it as I continue. I think that for me, as a writer, it is hard to get a serious tone because I worry it will become too serious and full of itself. And well, I'm just not a very serious person most of the time. So I think that will be another thing to put on my radar for this project. Gratitude to everyone, and Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

This was an interesting segment. Individually, I liked most of the scenes, with the conversations with N and S standing out most. However, I feel like this part just lacks streamlingin, like all the pieces are kind of tacked together. I like that Ir is finally coming to some conclusions, but at this point with her questioning thorughout the entire book, I wish that she would be just a bit more concrete in her emotional decisions. Opening the doc now Pg 1 first sentence is a lot. A bit hard to get through “She weaved” this is a nice scene. *sigh* now I want a flower crown “Am I gorgeous” mmmmmmmmm hard to put my finger on it, but I think “pretty” might be better. Gorgeous seems a bit strong. Idk tho Btw where are they getting all these flowers? I’m assuming from the field they are sitting in, but it seems like a pretty wide diversity of flowers for a single field Pg 2 I like how she’s addressing the loyalty issue. At this point though, I would like her convictions to be a little more concrete. “s and T were” yes, this is good. More of this please Ok BK time :-) “Necessary when they were between” what, the walking is necessary, or the camping is necessary. Cause the second one seems obvious Pg 3, bottom “the f were not creatures to tested” to be tested, I’m guessing. Btw I just realized I read this whole bk section with a really good flow. Nice job Pg 4 “B” this little section could just be “they arrived”. don’t get me wrong, I like the writing in this part, but the time skip and the paragraph breaks kind of ruin the flow of the chapter. Especially the break after this part. I think that it could go right from “always call B home” to the next sentence. Pg 5 “a full two inches!” she was gone for like, two weeks!! What??? Pg 6 I assume she helped unload Oh it was eight weeks, huh? I guess that makes more sense Pg 8 “Family should come before” I guess this makes sense for this character, but seems a bit extreme to me. “Still love us” oof Pg 9 This conversation with N is good, it feels like she is finlly cementing some of her beliefs, which I like Pg 10 Is this a new segment? If she’s visting S, I feel like it could be a new chapter Pg 12 “How about we have dinner” I do not trust this. Nope nope.

Oh, ok gotcha. 20 years? I'm constantly just staggered by the scale of wot tbh

Thanks for the critiques! I definitely get that starting at the end of a conflict "offscreen" will definitely be a challenge, which is partially why I am doing it. Kind of like trying to bench press at my upper limit. Yes, good. Please do. Yeah, I think this will part of the challenge of starting where I am. On my next pass, I think i'll just cut some of these guys to be introduced later. It is quite a bit. I'm just deleting this on the next pass. It's a weird line, mainly just trying to call back to Ge. I only ever read the first three books, and its been a while. Is this the name of a character from WOT? This is me trying to get my foreshadowing in early. I'll probably just save this for later. You know, that is an excellent question. For...plot reasons I guess? I'll take another look at this.

I agree with everyone that the voice is strong with this character, and I thought that the desperate crush was fun, because it reminded me of a middle school type of crush, which I think would be good for a YA audience. My two biggest concerns are the first page and the tone. THe first page was good, and did a lot of character building, but I had to read it a couple of times for it to make sense. I'm still not sure what was going on. They were writing it down and A could read it? Or something? I also think there were a couple of unnecessary paragraph breaks, like "I'm all of those" I think could be part of the paragraph before, and then have the paragraph break for "I'm an a-- too..." I mean, this could just be personal preference, but I think that having less emphasizing paragraph breaks gives them all more power. I alos think the first page goes on a bit long for an introduction if the story is supposed to be 5k long. Some sentences I really liked: "I'm a baby..." "Do I really have to pick pronouns" "what the f--- is time..." "I just aim my a--holery..." Idk I just really liked these and thought they were funny. Also, I thought the narrator's feelings were very well written. With the tone/language, I think that you might be leaving some of your audience behind, because while its true that teenagers swear (a lot) the language on this one is definitely less "T for teen" and more "M" imo. And I'll echo that I'm not a huge fan of all the angst, but then again I'm not really the target audience here. Thanks for sharing!

Here it is. Thanks again!

Hi, I know this is last minute, but could I have a slot for monday? or are we taking a break for the holdiays?

Welcome @Theoryspren! I know its a cliche, but to echo @shatteredsmooth, practice makes perfect! If you put in the time and effort to really try and improve, you will. Excited to see your stuff :-)

Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it

Oh ok thanks

So what does wrs mean?

I didn't want to put this in the art gallery since its spoilery, but here ya go

Overall this chapter was a nice change of pace, and I am glad that Ir had a little more involvement than normal. It feels like the plot is finally starting to go places. I don't have many structural thoughts on this one other than I wish more had happened. I liked when she involved herself with W, but that was basically it for this chapter. She just proceeds to get the scroll to the BK. I do like that she was putting some things together in her head, but I guess i just wanted more consequences or answers or something. That being said, i thought that this chapter had some nice development for Ir, so good job on that. Alright opening the document now Eyyy its W! Pg 1 “breathing slowyl out” – breathing out slowly “instead of leaning on magic” but are illusions and glamours not magic also? I’m liking the sneakiness of the chapter. It’s a nice change of pace Pg 2 I like this detail about the lock pick “ham” I believe that this descriptor was used for the crystal in the previous chapter as well. Not neceassarily a bad thing, I guess, but also noticeable. Makes me think that the shape is also ham-like. Pg 3 “absolutely cr—” crunk. They were going to say crunk. Btw what is the difference between a glamour and an illusion? Pg 4 “silently cursing t” lol I liked this line. Pg 5 ohoho, she reconginzed them! Will she turn them in? “if they was” if they were I get this is just Ir’s reasoning, but wouldn’t the BK just disavow W? Or if he was implicated, just create a trump charge for the winery and have them all imprisoned or something for treason? Ok, the thing about the revolutionaries seems a bit more valid, but I feel like they are planning to attack anyway. “would be being searched” would be searched Pg 6 smart, with the perfume, since I assume that there are dog police (as opposed to police dogs) Im really liking that Ir is getting involved in this whole scheme. It’s also very telling, imo, of where her true allegiance lies now. Pg 7 “patting each person” with their wings or their claws? How does that work if they have to use their claws to walk on? Do they use one claw at a time, or sit on their back legs? Pg 8 oh,ok this answers my questions “but the BK wouldn’t be interested” do you mean “because the BK wouldn’t be interested”? this seems contradictory to me. Pg 10 “get the scroll to—” I think this is the third instance this chapter with a cut-off thought. At this point, it’s noticeable. It’s my opinion that they get less powerful with each use. Pg 11 hmmmmmmm why does he want them? hmmm. I'm guessing it has to do something with containing the F.

In answer to your questions: It does seem interesting enough to continue reading, but it is also still very confusing. This chapter was better in terms of confusion than the last chapter, I think, but there was still a lot of proper names and references to events and species and things that I didn't really know about. I was also a bit confused about GF. She just hops right in like they have met before and demands that A retires? She has a strong voice but she seemed rude to me, just hopping in without knowing the background and demanding that A stop her job and leave. Personally I suspect that she might have ulterior motives, but that is just me. Also, I get I'm not really your target audience with this, but the flirting between GF and A seemed a bit odd to me because I assumed that A is in her 30s maybe and GF sounded like she was described as much older than that (like her 80s or something? Hard to tell, but Definitely older than A) Which could be cool and good for the established setting and your wlw audience, but I found the age difference to be a bit jarring. Also the flirting seemed a bit out of nowhere, since this seems like the first time they have seen each other for a long time, and A seems to be in a relationship with E? I definitely related with the awkwardness of A, because my brain also turns to mush when there is an attractive person, so I thought that was good. Other than that, I remain intrigued by the sentient trees/planet, and the thought of paying rent on an entire planet was really funny/fascinating to me. (i had to look up what a hyphae is tho) I also am curious to see how this relates to the thread with S, so that is pulling me forward as well.

Overall, I liked this sub a lot. Mostly because I love Indian/Hindi culture and history, and I got strong vibes of that from this sub. (more on that down below) I think the tone was somber, similar to your last sub. If there was one thing I wanted more of, it would be more information on the narrator. WHo are they? What is their relationship to the emperor? What is their gender? How old are they? Also, I think a little bit more environmental detail would be good, to ground it down a little more. But overall, I really liked this, and I am intrigued to see what happened to the emperor, and what all this secret stuff is about. Alright, I am opening the document now! Ready for a nice bit of historical fiction Pg 1 “zenith” I have nothing wrong with this word, but it does imply a certain tone for the work. Just something to be aware of I guess “November” okay, so wherever this is, it uses a roman calendar. Oooh, first person. I don’t think I’ve critiqued a first-person sub yet. “Rav” Ok, so this makes me think India. Which makes me happy because Indian history and Hinduism are my absolute favorite : ) “fine, tartan” I don’t think there needs to be a comma right here. I think “fine tartan suit” works “Commander G” yep, this cements the Hindi vibes for me. But I’m not sure if others will pick up on this “reincarnation” Yep yep. This is a good detail to include, because I feel like this is where most people will figure it out. “constant storm of waves” I’m a little confused about what this is trying to say This interaction in the caravan makes me hope that the narrator is around the same age as the emperor, as it would be a little creepy if they were older, as I assumed at first. Pg 2 good charactreiszation for the emperor Pg 3 “snake slithered” this wording doesn’t seem all that threatening to me. “steel at his waist;” I’m not sure if this is the correct use of a semicolon. Robinski will probably know more about it lol. I only point it out because I always misuse them “the snake; his eyes fixated” ok, this one you can definitely just use a comma “I daresay” it sounds pretty dead to me Pg 4 so I just realized that we don’t know the gender or name of the narrator. My monkey brain was assuming male, but I guess it is probably female (though my bi brain is still hoping that it is) “rather anxiety inducing” this wording is awkward to me “for as long as he wished” I get the sentiment, but also if he immediately fired the narrator it would be for as long as he wished. Pg 5 “loomed into view;” another instance of an incorrect use of ; Pg 6 “minorly hit” weird wording to me “you will not say so” I’m getting the feeling that he would say so anyway. That’s just his character. “pounded on the door until her hands” 0.0 Pg 7 I’m a little confused what’s going on here Also I looked up the name H and the webs say that it is a unisex name leaning feminine. So it doesn’t really answer my question from before Why is husband capitalized? Oh no he’s dead! Murdered? What does his mom have to do with it? This is a very good hook imo

So, I will admit that I was a little surprised that nobody seemed to recognize him, though that is understandable since I frist subbed the prologue like...four months ago? I think? Anyway, one of the main reasons I was hesitant to cut the prologue was because I wanted to get the introductions for G and J, who--spoiler alert--both survived and have bigger roles to play later in the story. But anyway, how did it affect your perception of the character, viewing this chapter as his first introduction, versus now, with remembering the prologue? Do you think that this could work as his first introduction?

Thanks @Silk, for this very in-depth critique! After yours and @shatteredsmooth's comments, I think in the next draft I will probably go ahead and just cut the violence altogether. While she will still have intrusive thoughts, I think that it would be good to just avoid the stigma altogether and have her thoughts be more similar to others I know with OCD. I think the main reason I wanted to go with the violent thoughts is that i thought they would be a bit more...idk relatable for the average reader? Because who doesn't want to just hit someone every once in a while? But I think you are absolutely correct about walking a thin line here, and perpetuating harmful stigmas about mental illness is the exact opposite of what I'm trying to do here, so I think I will mellow it out in general. So yes, it is a bit cult-like/counter religion, and thank you for pointing this out, I hadn't htought of that. I will go into it later in the book, but the way I saw it was like if satanism and the red cross had a baby. As in, they worship the big bad (oblivion) but do it by bailing out people's basements and running soup kitchens. But I can still see your point. Noted. I think everyone commented on something like this (and then I had to look up what evangelion was, lol) so I will try to put some more references to this in earlier chapters. They definitely do not have this level of technology yet, they are just using magic to fake it. It is Greg from the prologue. The classist jerk who said the thing like "they couldn't even rule without us" or something like that. He survived, and yes, is a main antagonist for the story. (the caped guy is N, actually) I really wish I had just deleted this before submitting. Please trust me when I say this word would absoulely never make it into the actual manuscript. I used it mainly to code A's own misogynistic outlook for my own personal uses, but now I'm really regretting it.

Generally, I also think star wars is overrated. I mean, I watched the original trilogy on vhs as a kid, and later watched the clone wars on Netflix. I didnt watch the prequels until last year. People always say all this obscure lore about all these different characters and things, but I'm always so confused. The original trilogy was good, but I think the franchise as a whole is overrated imo. Though I did enjoy clone wars quite a bit

welcome to reading excuses @Moshi! I also don't think you need to worry. If you hadn't mentioned that english was your second language, I never would have guessed! And as robinski said, I think you will get along just fine with everybody. There are lots of artists here (I also got in trouble a lot at school for drawing when I was supposed to be listening XD)

I agree with @Robinski. Even if it is just one or two chapters about the initial outbreak of the plague, I think that would give quite a dramitc starting point for the story. That way, as you mentioned, there is less telling backstory, and we get to see how the situation started, which I think would draw in readers. (the comic "stand still stay silent" did something similar to this. I don't think they pulled it off very well, but I'm sure that you could!) Also, if you don't spend too much time on the start of the plague itself, I doubt readers will think that is what the story is about. But I do think removing the word "plague" from the title would also be helpful, if that's the direction you want to go. I think so. You could introduce the problem, the characters, their initial attempts at dealing with the problem, and then something like "time passed slowly in space. Six months seemed like an eternity, and nothing D did worked." or something like that. (though not as corny )